Abdication

by Shrink Laureate

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, Comedy, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3050

The Princesses would quite like to retire, just as soon as Twilight's ready.

Princesses Celestia and Luna would quite like to retire, now that Twilight Sparkle's ready to take the throne. But Twilight doesn't seem to have gotten the message.

Reading by Straight To The Point Studio

Thanks to Solstice Shimmer and MitchH for putting up with my random thoughts.

Cover image: this + this

Published 2021-05-11 17:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-05-11 17:30:00 UTC

I Wasn't Aware That Was Something A Pony Could Do

Princess Celestia alighted on the palace balcony. The moon shone brilliantly through her glorious white feathers.

“Sister! Where wert thou? Thy disappearance has sent the palace into a tizzy!”

“Forgive me, Luna. I’m sure it was quite unexpected.”

“And dramatic. There are scorch marks upon the dining table from thy explosion, and a few upon the Duchess von Piggelwortz. Thou’rt unharmed, though?”

“I’m quite alright, I assure you. Is the duchess safe?”

“If anything she’s slightly improved, in my estimation. She stopped screaming when the dessert arrived.”

“I see. One moment, then.” She stepped over to the parapet, took a deep breath then bellowed in her best Canterlot voice, “IT’S ALRIGHT, MY LITTLE PONIES! THERE’S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.”

Luna took a step back, pushed by the wave of air.

Celestia turned and said something.

“Pardon?” shouted Luna.

With a slight frown, Celestia said something else.

“We hear thee not!” replied Luna, waving a wing at her ear.

A few minutes later, the Royal Hoofmaiden of the Kettle, First Flush, was delicately pouring them a late tea in one of the palace’s near-infinite number of little parlours

“Can you hear me now?”

“Aye, it seems our hearing has returned. I beg you, do not endanger it further tonight.”

Celestia rolled her eyes.

“Pray tell us, where wert thou?”

“Dialect, Luna.”

“A pox on thy dialect. Where were you?”

“I was summoned to the celestial plane.”

Luna straightened. “Truly? The one with all the sparkly pictures? We have not seen that place since our own ascension. Does that mean… ?”

Celestia nodded. “It does. Twilight Sparkle has become a princess.”

Luna gasped. “We were afraid t’would never happen. And did you impress the import of her new role upon her?”

“Don’t worry, Luna. Once we returned to the real world, I bowed down before her as I proclaimed that she’s the Princess now.”

“Thou didst? A little dramatic, but certainly effective. We wish we could have seen that.”

“Indeed, she can have no doubt.”

“At last,” breathed Luna with a sigh. “We can retire. No more tedious politics, no more stuffy finance, no more boring dinners with self-important nobles.”

“No more tortuously convoluted centuries-long plans,” added Celestia.

“Speak for thyself, sister. Such plans were always thy shtick.”

“I wouldn’t say they’re my… ‘shtick’? I don’t have a shtick. Do I? Where did you even hear that word?”

“And where is Mistress Twilight - nay, Princess Twilight now?”

“She’s on the night train to Canterlot. She’ll be here in a few hours. We need to plan her coronation.”

“We must make it a grand and gay ceremony. Leave no doubt in our ponies’ minds that Mistress Twilight is their new Imperatrix.”

Celestia winced. “We… we don’t say that any more, Luna.”

“Say what - ‘Imperatrix’? I fear thy grip has gone soft, sister. The sooner thou’rt relieved of command, the better.”

“That’s not… never mind, I’m sure you’ll work it out.”

Luna dunked a biscuit in her tea. “Admit it. Thou’ll miss thy convoluted plans.”

“Perhaps a little.”

The doors closed on the private drawing room, and finally Princess Luna relaxed.

“’Twas a good coronation,” she said with a sigh, lifting her peytral off and resting it on a stand.

“It was indeed,” agreed Celestia, settling into her familiar cushion.

“I was quite taken with the procession around the city. Allowing the populace to see their new Imperatrix up close is such a modern notion. ’Twould never have ‘flown’ during our era.”

The smaller staff door opened to admit First Flush, carrying a tray on her back. The scent of a delicate white tea followed her as she set the tray on the little table, gently swirled the pot and prepared teacups for the two princesses.

Celestia watched the ceremony appreciatively. “Thank you, my dear. I shall miss you.”

First Flush paused, cup in hoof. “Miss me, Princess?” she asked nervously.

“Of course. I’m sure your service to Princess Twilight Sparkle will keep you too busy to visit two old mares in their retirement.”

“Where shall we retire, sister?” asked Luna.

“I thought we might first lodge at our retreat in Elm Hollow. We can take the morning train, then make our plans from there. After all, neither of us were expecting Twilight to replace us quite so quickly.”

First Flush cleared her throat. “Um… Princess? Twilight– that is to say, Princess Twilight Sparkle has gone back to Ponyville.”

The two princesses hesitated. “She has?” asked Celestia.

“Er, yes. I believe Captain Shining Armor escorted the princess and her friends to the station, right after the coronation.”

“Oh. That’s odd.”

“I expect she has belongings to retrieve?” pondered Luna.

“And ponies to say ‘goodbye’ to,” added Celestia.

“Friendships and memories that are not so readily discarded.”

“Of course. She’ll be back in a day or two to take up her royal duties.”

“Let us grant her this short time to ensure her throne is ready.”

“It has been a week now, sister,” said Princess Luna, sitting down for breakfast, or in her case, dinner.

“Yes, Luna,” grumbled Celestia. “I know.”

“We have already cleared our belongings from the royal suite. The palace guest rooms may be comfortable, but the guards and housekeepers are beginning to gossip.”

“Yes, Luna,” she repeated. “I know.”

Luna’s end of the great breakfast table was speckled with a creeping layer of frost, while the varnish was peeling off under the heat at Celestia’s end.

First Flush trembled as she poured a cup of tea from a safe distance. She yelped and spilled a little when Celestia stomped her hoof on the table. The puddle quickly boiled away.

“What is she doing? Doesn’t she realise she’s the Princess now?”

“Such dalliance is unbecoming. Perhaps thy student requires a firmer hint that the throne awaits her?”

“We had a coronation! Cheering crowds, livery, the works. How much more of a hint does she need?”

First Flush backed respectfully out of the room. The second she was out of sight, she fled to her quarters.

“Agent Sweetie Drops, thank you for coming to see me. What word on Princess Twilight?”

The mare bowed low before the princess. “There is little to report, your Highness. Since her return from Canterlot, Princess Twilight has simply resumed her work as the librarian.”

“Resumed her work. So she isn’t packing, or saying goodbye?”

“Not that I can tell, no.”

“I see. And did you ask about her new role as Princess Regnant of Equestria?”

“I… tried to, Princess.” Sweetie Drops shuffled her hooves. “I really did.”

“And what was her response?” prompted the princess.

“She… lent me a book,” admitted Agent Sweetie Drops.

“A book?”

“A recipe book on Saddle Arabian sweet pastries. It’s… actually quite interesting.”

“I see.”

“I may have to branch out.”

Celestia pressed her hoof against the bridge of her muzzle.

“Perhaps we should make her a larger crown?”

“She already has a larger crown than either of us. It’s the accursed Element of Magic. Do you know where it is now? It’s in a display cabinet in the Ponyville Library, with a little typed label next to it saying ‘Element of Magic, circa AC 1, with modifications AC 1109’.”

“And it has not yet been stolen? Remarkable.”

“Maybe if it was stolen, she’d learn to value it a little more.”

Celestia greeted her sister with a nod. “I hear you’ve moved back to your royal suite.”

Luna slumped into a chair, the night’s work showing on her face. “We have. ’Tis pointless to pretend any longer that Twilight Sparkle is coming to relieve us. Clearly she is not.”

“We’ll see,” said Celestia, sipping her tea.

Luna narrowed her eyes. “What are you planning?”

“Planning?” asked Celestia innocently.

“Oh, I recognise the signs full well, sister. Thou’ve a scheme afoot.”

“Good morrow, sister fair.”

Celestia murmured something which may have been “Dialect,” had it not been smothered by a yawn.

“A letter arrived while thou slumbered,” said Luna, waving an envelope around and clearly enjoying it.

“You’ll have to be more specific, Luna. I get approximately… all the mail, every day. Is this one from a suitor wishing to claim my hoof, a slighted noble seeking recompense, an artist to whom I’m the eternal muse, an ambassador who thinks I handle international trade deals personally for some reason, or another poor pony seeking reimbursement after a visit from Twilight?”

“This one is from thy co-conspirator.”

Celestia’s eyes snapped open. She yanked the letter into her own field, turning it around to check the sender’s cutie mark on the back. “Truly?”

“Truly. Now hurry, sister, and read it. Twas only respect for thee that stayed my hoof ’gainst such burning curiosity.”

Solar magic tore the envelope open, charring the edges and leaving a faint wisp of smoke. “Yadda yadda, eternal majesties yadda yadda, miss the sight of yadda yadda.”

“Yes, yes, get to the good bit. What does Sunset Shimmer have to say?”

“Here we are. The theft went according to plan–”

“Aye, we saw that much. What happened on the other side?”

“–as we agreed she hid the crown, then she… yadda yadda… tricked Twilight into competing for the crown in a… ‘princess election’, whatever that is.”

“An unsettling concept, but leaving that aside. We assume Twilight bested her in this contest, and so demonstrated herself the better princess?”

“She did… yadda yadda… won the election, and the crown was returned without further incident.”

“Excellent! A most delightful scheme, sister, and one in which it seems nothing went awry.”

“And we thought Princess Twilight could not possibly take worse care of her crown. Now it seems she has fed it to a tree.”

“That’s the Tree of Harmony, Luna. It’s where the Elements came from.”

“Aye, we remember it well. ’Twas a miserly old shrub, e’en then, and would not part with the Elements without us first completing six quite pointless tasks.”

“The Element-bearers have simply returned them to the tree where they belong. It’s an act of mercy.”

“’Tis reneging on a deal. We traded fairly for those six enchanted baubles, and now it has stolen them back. We are of half a mind to turn that jumped-up lichen into firewood.”

Celestia looked thoughtful. “On the contrary, stay your hoof, Luna. Perhaps the Tree of Harmony could be the solution to our very problem.”

“Excellent work, Agent Sweetie Drops. The explosives you planted in that grotty old library went off perfectly. It looked very impressive, and perfectly timed.”

“You were watching, Princesses?”

“We were,” replied Luna. “We may have parted with our alicorn magic, but a scrying spell is not beyond us. And it was a lovely show.”

“Thank you.”

“Do thank Mister Tirek for his little performance as well,” added Celestia, “and inform him that his sentence has been commuted as agreed.”

“Where did you even find an actor like that, sister?” asked Luna.

“I find it best to keep some convenient ‘enemies’ to hand for when you need one.”

“Speak of Discord and he doth appear.”

Discord popped his head out of Luna’s mane. “Well, if you insist,” he said. He was wearing a thick fur hat and holding a glass with a little umbrella in it. Whatever liquid was in the glass throbbed orange and green.

“Gah! Sister, aid me! My mane is infested!”

“And thank you too, Discord. Your betrayal and fall were most convincing.”

“Get it off me!” cried Luna, batting at Discord with her hooves. He dodged and wove every blow, keeping his glass level.

“We even got the Tree of Harmony to build her a brand new castle, and what does she do? She turns it into a library!”

Luna found her sister with her head under a pillow, hooves pressed down to keep it over her eyes.

“Sister?” She sat by the bed and gently rested a hoof on her sister’s withers. “We saw Twilight and her pet leaving. Did she say something to upset thee?”

“She wants to do a play,” mumbled Celestia from beneath the pillow.

“A…” Luna paused. “A play? Forgive us, sister, we do not see the problem.”

“She said it’s the one-thousand, one-hundred and eleventh anniversary of the day I first raised the sun. The ‘onesaversary’, she called it.”

“Ah.”

“So of course she wants to re-enact the events, exactly as they happened. And she wants me there to help her get it right.”

“She doesn’t know, does she?”

“No, but she’s going to find out. What if she finds something in the records?”

“Nopony alive in centuries, save for us two and Star Swirl, even suspects that thou--”

“Stop!” Celestia’s head popped up, the pillow still perched on top. “Don’t say it, Luna. You don’t know who might be listening.” She gasped. “Star Swirl! I’d forgotten about Star Swirl.”

“Star Swirl can be contained. We heard he was interested in attending a ‘friendship university’. Perhaps we might arrange for a well-timed state scholarship?”

“And if I let something slip?”

“Surely thou can contain thyself? One memory out of a millennium.”

“The worst possible memory.” The pillow finally slipped down to her hooves, uncovering a bedragged celestial mane.

“Aye, but one thou can choose to suppress.”

“I just know I’m going to screw up, Luna.”

Luna patted her sister's shoulder. “Then simply absent thyself from this play. Refuse to take part due to thy many duties?”

“What duties? We're trying to convince her to do her job, aren't we? Until then we're just keeping the throne warm for her.”

A smile started to play across Luna's muzzle. “Then perhaps we can excuse thee from both the play and the throne at once. All we need do is demonstrate thy utter infirmity, perhaps even thy declining faculties, and even thy devoted student must acknowledge the need to step into her rightful place.”

“Didst thou has’t to raise thy sun?” chided Luna, slipping further into her dialect. “Haply to purloin mine own belov’d night?”

“I'm sorry, Luna, I had no other choice.”

“No choice but to rearrange the very heavens themselves rather than face an awkward conversation? Did thou not realise that the whole world would be affected?” She cast a glance to the gilt doors behind which an unruly gathering could be heard, growing louder by the minute. “Tis not even dawn, yet already a score of ambassadors have come to treat with thee.”

“I know,” mumbled Celestia, her head down. “I suppose we have to face them.”

“We? Nay, sister, dearest,” replied Luna, opening the door and shoving Celestia through it into the reception room full of angry dignitaries. “This is thy hay to lie in. We shall be going to bed.”

“Surely she hath some apprehension of the truth by now?”

“It would seem not. Twilight still sends me friendship letters, you know, like a little filly.” Celestia levitated a scroll across. “Her latest one, here, is about not letting her enthusiasm for a quiz game overwhelm consideration for her friends’ feelings.”

“Truly? No foal could possibly…” Luna paused, then straightened up as her eyes grew wide.

Celestia noted the change. “What is it, Luna?”

“Sister? We do believe we have an inkling of the truth.”

“You do? Then tell me, please, I’m at my wit’s end here.”

“It is simple, yet explains much.” She paused to take a breath. “We suspect that thy student is pranking thee.”

Celestia straightened up. “She… what?”

“We have both seen Twilight mature into a pony well aware of her duties, have we not? One who values friendship and seeks to spread its blessing across the world. She has gladly acted as our ambassador to several nations. Yet whene’er the subject of her accession arises, she acts as ’twere inconceivable.”

“You really think she’d keep a prank like that going for three years?”

“Does it not make more sense than that she would remain so oblivious?”

Celestia pondered the idea. “She is friends with Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie.”

“Two ponies known for elaborate, nay excessive pranking.”

“You have a point. Still, it’s hard to believe she’s kept it up for this long. She never did have much of a poker face.”

“All the better to deceive thee! She has lulled thee into a false sense of security through feigned veracity o’er the course of years.”

“Alright, suppose I accept that she is bluffing, what can we do about it?”

“We must call her bluff. The time has come for us to abandon all subtlety.”

“I haven’t been particularly subtle…” grumbled Celestia.

“E’en so, we must tell her most bluntly of our immediate abdication. She wilt have no recourse then but to admit to her jape.”

“Immediate? Won’t she think it’s strange for us to announce it like that? She’ll probably think we’re dying or running from our debts or something.”

“All the better. The mystery shalt cause her to imagine any number of dire causes, each more pressing than the last, and provided we give no explanation all will remain possible. She will do our work for us!”

“We do admit, sister, that could have gone better.”

“Really? Because I thought she was going to drop dead on the spot. If we hadn’t arranged for the medic to be ready with the dart gun, we might now be looking for a new successor.”

Luna shuddered. “Pray tell, what narcotic was the dart loaded with? It seemed most effective.”

“Oxymorphone.” Luna looked blankly at her sister. “It’s… opium. It’s basically opium.”

“Ah, yes. Still, at least we’re finally rid of that miserly tree.”

“Perhaps, but sadly it took the elements with it.”

“Yet Twilight clearly doesn’t need them. She was able to summon the power of harmony directly. I say good riddance.”

“Thank the stars, she took it.”

“With a device to control the sun and moon in her hooves, she has no excuse to call on us.”

“Indeed. Art thou packed for our ‘holiday’, sister?”

“I am. And the palace guards and servants have all been told that we’ll be away for a while.”

“Then let us be away. If we make haste, I wager we can reach Griffonstone ere she notices.”