"Pay no attention to the mare behind the shrubbery!"

by Harmlesskitten13

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Sex, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4474

Who cares if Luna's date is a loser? Celestia. That's who.

Luna's not in a rush to get married, but a mare does like feeling wanted, you know? So who cares if her first date in centuries is with some forgettable wannabe background pony? At least it will result in a night out of the castle, some much-needed romantic attention, and get her 'back in the game,' so to speak. And that's better than yet another night in, right?

It's a good thing that Celestia knows what's best for her little sister.

(Inspired from a video by the Pulitzer Prize-winner, snappy dresser, and all-around good egg TJ Pones!)

Rated "Teen" for allusions to the horizontal mambo. Nothing explicit, but better safe than sorry, right?

Published 2021-07-04 01:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-07-04 01:10:01 UTC

"...and might I say that you look completely trashy, and undeserving of dating a Princess?"

“Alright, Luna. You can do this. Just because he’s a commoner does not discount the fact that you are going on a date, and will behave in all the proper manners befitting the Princess of the Night. Be alluring. Be confident. Be...sexy.” The dark blue alicorn stared at herself in the mirror with a sigh. Even if one conveniently forgot her thousand years away from ponykind, she still hadn’t been on a date in decades. Centuries? She wasn’t sure; she just knew it had been far too long since she had even attempted to look for love. Or lust, even. Actually, any romantic attention of any kind would be appreciated at this point. She turned around in place, giving herself a once-over in the mirror. She stopped at her backside. The alicorn began to sway her hips, dredging up memories of when she could woo practically any stallion or mare that she felt an attraction to. She continued swaying until she heard a loud pop. Biting her lip in pain, Luna stopped the movement. “Okay, if things go well tonight, perhaps I’ll let him do most of the gyrating.” She picked up a bottle of perfume when a knock was heard at her door. “Unless this is an emergency, come back another time!” she shouted.

“I’ll say it’s an emergency!” came an irritatingly familiar voice. “What antique stench are you using? ‘Old and Dusty?’ Or is it ‘Clamshell Cobwebs?’” Luna let out an annoyed sigh as her sister entered the room.

“What do you want, Tia?”

“Oh, I just wanted to help you get ready for your date. I mean, I’ve done my part, but I figured you would definitely need help with your part.” she replied, leafing through a manila folder in her magic. “Did you know that this guy graduated with an associate’s degree in poetry?” the white alicorn asked with a disgusted look. “Poetry? Really? That’s almost as bad as a degree in history. Ugh.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Hm? Oh. Right. I had my assistant run his file. And after looking at it, I wanted to let you know: this guy’s a loser.” she answered, tossing the folder on the bed. “So I’d totally understand if you wanted to ditch him.”

“What? No! I agreed to a date, and a Princess always does her utmost to keep her word.” The solar royal flopped on the bed, and rolled onto her stomach. Propping her head up with her hooves, she continued.

“Sure we do.” Celestia replied with a titter. “Look, as somepony who’s gone on...what...ten thousand more dates than you, trust me when I say that there’s nothing wrong with cutting your losses. And this stallion? L-O-S-E-R.” she spelled out. “Why don’t we go out and paint Canterlot red instead? I know this seedy little bar on the south end that has the best tacos and margaritas. The glasses aren’t always clean, but that just adds to the flavor!” Luna scoffed.

“I think not. We already have a reservation at Le Gastronomique Chic in half an hour, so I will politely reject your offer for drunken shenanigans at some forsaken tavern.” She held up her breastplate. Turning to her sister, she raised and lowered it to her barrel. “What do you think? Should I wear this tonight, or would that make it seem like I’m on official business?” Celestia shook her head.

“No, I’d keep it off. It doesn't really flatter you, and you don't want to feel stuffy in some fancy restaurant, anyway. Although, if you’re looking for an accessory, may I suggest a paper bag for your head? It would keep most ponies from recognizing you while you’re out with a two-pump chump.” Luna gave an exasperated sigh as she hung her breastplate in a nearby dresser.

“Sister, I am going on this date, whether you like it or not. I will have a pleasant evening, and there is nothing you can do to stop me from doing so.”

“Oh, come on!" the white alicorn exclaimed, rolling her eyes. "He still lives with his parents, he’s been trying to get the same garbage poetry manuscript published for months, and he goes to nerd conventions! I’m not saying you can’t boink-and-bounce, but this guy is a tissue: use once, discreetly and away from prying eyes, and throw away. You don’t go around showing off your snot to everypony, do you?” the solar princess demanded, reading from the folder.

“Enough.” Luna responded, placing her crown atop her head. “Have a good night, Celestia. Do not wait up for me.” Her sister opened her mouth to respond, but was cut off by a knock at the door.

“Princess Luna? Your date has arrived.” came a muffled voice from the other side. The nocturnal diarch looked at a clock.

“Ah. Two minutes early. If that’s not a good sign, I don’t know what is.”

Luna hurried down the hallway in as royal a manner as she could muster, before slowing to a more princessly gait prior to entering into the massive foyer of Canterlot Castle. Scanning the room, her date wasn’t exactly hard to find; he was the only civilian in the room, and he was downright tiny next to the Royal Guards stationed by the doorways. Taking a deep breath, she walked over to the stallion, swaying her hips. That’s it. Not too much. Just enough to titillate, but not enough to give off the appearance of a streetwalker. As she approached her date, he pulled out a plastic-wrapped bouquet of roses. Taking it in her magic, she brought them up to her snout for a dainty whiff. “Oh, Alliterative Assonance, you did not need to bring me ros-”

“THOSE FLOWERS ARE CHEAP!” came a tiresome voice. “HE GOT THEM AT WALL-MART. I WAS THERE; I WAS BUYING ALMONDS, AND HE WAS INCREDIBLY RUDE TO THE CASHIER.” Luna ground her teeth as she held up a hoof.

“Excuse me for a moment.” As she turned around, an angry look crossed her face. Marching over to the solar diarch, she whispered in her ear. “Do NOT ruin this, or so help me I will have your throne melted down.” she hissed. Quickly returning to her date, she continued. “Ahem. As I was saying, these flowers are lovely. I shall have them placed in a vase in my bedchambers. Thank you.” She hoofed them to a nearby guard with a nod. “Now. Are you ready for our date?” The stallion nodded, and the two left the foyer to an awaiting royal carriage. Celestia glared at the couple as they exited.

Canterlot was was always a beautiful city, but the view at dusk was truly magnificent. The roads, made of granite and mica, sparkled in the setting sun, giving the illusion of slowly wafting down a lazy river. Luna looked out the carriage to see two mares, their tails intertwined, walking down a sidewalk. One pecked the other on her cheek, earning a giggle. She smiled at the sight before turning to her own date, who was seemingly sinking into the seat of the carriage. The stallion looked genuinely uncomfortable, so the alicorn shifted her weight to sit closer to him. The move seemed to spook her date, as he recoiled when she came nearer to him. The silence, normally a comfortable ambiance to the Princess, became more and more deafening.

Think, Luna, think! This isn't how Mother taught you to behave on a date! she inwardly chastised herself. Racking her brain for any advice from her past, she suddenly remembered her sister's snooping. Well, her sister's assistant's snooping. "So..." she started, breaking the silence, "I understand you love poetry." The statement seemed to wake her date from his fugue, only to earn a questioning look, tinged with a hint of fear. Why would that spook him so? Wait. How did they manage to have a file on this stallion so quickly? Something felt...off. And possibly illegal. Tucking the thought away for later, she laughed awkwardly. "It's...it's just that I would assume you do, given your name. I, too, love poetry." The excuse appeared to ease any concerns the stallion may have had, and his face brightened. Luna inwardly breathed a sigh of relief while also hating herself for using possibly illegally-gathered information. As the carriage approached the facade of the restaurant, she felt a sense of calmness. If they could at least bond over a shared love of literature, perhaps the date would go well?

Serveuse was panicking. Her restaurant had been host to several dignitaries and celebrities in the past, but a Princess?! The head waitress looked over the table that had been set up for the occasion for the fourteenth time. It was blocked off by several privacy screens, the polished tableware was their finest, and she had even made sure to clear a path to it so they would have as much seclusion as possible on the way there. As she counted the forks again, she felt a royal presence. Craning her neck around a privacy screen, she witnessed the host bowing before a tall dark blue alicorn. Next to her was an average-looking brown Earth pony stallion. He wore a cheap red bow tie, and clearly too much hair product. “Ees that the Princess’s date? Bon chagrin.” the mare whispered to herself as she hurried over to the lectern at the front of the restaurant. Bowing deeply as she arrived, she cleared her throat. “Merci, Lead Crystal. My Princess, if you’ll follow me?” Luna nodded as the two were led to their table.

“You have an exquisite restaurant, madame. My compliments to the proprietor.” the Princess commented, earning a flustered grin from the waitress. The stallion only grunted in agreement.

“Merci, merci, my Princess. We are lucky to have such an...eccentric owner.” When the trio arrived past the privacy screens, the alicorn waited for her date to pull out her chair, only to watch him plod to his own instead. With a tiny sigh, she seated herself as Serveuse spoke up. “I will be back momentarily with your menus. Chef Tartiflette will have your full attention tonight, and we are more than willing to serve your every need.” The waitress turned around, only to run snout-first into Lead Crystal.

“Oof!” he grunted, stepping back. “Sorry, Serveuse! But you’re needed in the kitchen. Urgently.” he stated, rubbing his nose.

“Merde ca fait mal!” she muttered. Flashing a quick smile to her patrons, she grabbed the stallion’s foreleg and brusquely hurried over to a corner. “What do you mean I am needed in the kitchen! Why?!” she harshly whispered. A grave look overcame Lead Crystal’s face.

“You wouldn’t believe me even if I told you. Just please hurry back there.”

As the head waitress stormed through the kitchen door, muttering a string of curses, she was stopped by a royal guard. "What ees the meaning of this?!" the mare demanded.

"Ma'am, I'm going to need your clothes." The statement earned the guard a slap in the face, reddening his cheek.

"Vous pervers! How dare you come into my restaurant and ask me such a thing! Who is your commanding officer? I demand to know so I may report you!" Rubbing his cheek, the stallion stepped to the side, and pointed to the wine cellar.

"They're not for me, and my commanding officer is in there."

Hours. It must have been hours since their waitress had left to get them menus, or time itself must have stopped. Those were the only two conclusions that Luna could come to as her date droned on and on about the various authors and poets he despised. It's not that she couldn't empathize; there were more than a few opinions she agreed with the stallion on. A few of the authors she had personally gotten into shouting matches with, centuries ago. And she would have happily shared those unique experiences, had her date allowed her to get a word in edgewise. As it was, she was a captive one mare audience, unable to leave out of politeness and obligation. Alliterative Assonance didn't even appear to take breaths between sentences, leaving Luna to wonder how long ponies could go without oxygen. She had been just fine without it on the moon for a millennium, perhaps ponies had learned to exist without it during that time? She would need to ask Twilight. That would have to wait though, as her date continued on his tirade, either oblivious or uncaring of Luna's obvious lack of interest. The alicorn was about to slip into a coma when an eerily familiar clip-clopping gait approached. Those steps are far too heavy for our waitress. Her eyes slowly widened. No, it couldn’t be… she thought as her ears perked up. The Princess jerked her head behind her to see that, yes, it could.

“Hello, sir, welcome to the Horse Cafe. You may have heard some rumors that Princess Celestia is here, but those are completely unfounded, and might I say that you look completely trashy and undeserving of dating a Princess? What can I get for you?” The nocturnal diarch couldn’t believe her eyes: her thrice-damned sister was standing in front of her, wearing an ill-fitting apron that presumably came from Serveuse, a black collar that was clearly stretched to its limits, and to top it all off, an incredibly gaudy fake mustache that threatened to overtake her smug face. Luna could feel a twitch in her left eye.

“Celestia.” she muttered.

“No no, I’m...uh...Service. Or Sevens. Whatever the Prench one is.” the royal waitress looked down at the gilded nametag on the apron. “Serveuse? Yes. That. I’m Serveuse. What can I get for you?”

“CELESTIA.” the blue alicorn said forcefully.

“Maybe a drink? For the...'sir,' I recommend toilet water. As to the madame, I was looking through the wine cellar, and they have some incredible stuff here. Try the ‘Cheval Blanc, 952 Saint Emilion.’ I had a bottle earlier, and it was to die for.” she replied, gingerly placing two menus down on the table.

“CELESTIA!” Luna bellowed, her Royal Canterlot Voice shaking the table. Her date jumped in his seat as his eyes went wide. Noticing the faux pas, she cleared her throat and returned her tone to a more civil and polite one. “Sister, I do not appreciate your attempt...attempts...to ruin my date. Please leave. And return our waitress from whence you stored her, or I will ensure that Royal Chef Kirschtorte places you on an all-alfalfa diet.” she growled through gritted teeth.

“Tsk. Fine. The bribe money is coming out of your budget anyway.” the solar diarch responded, ripping the fake mustache off with a whimper. Looking at Alliterative Assonance, she only glared as she walked away, before mouthing something that looked like ‘dead meat.’ Luna let out an exasperated sigh.

“I deeply apologize; my sister has been under tremendous levels of stress ever since she sent her last protege away.” The stallion nodded with an arched eyebrow.

The meal, once their actual server had been returned to her rightful place, was exquisite. Admittedly, Luna had been dying to try the restaurant after discovering it, but had been largely unable to due to her royal duties. Well, that and her sister's desire to 'go slumming' rarely included upscale Prench restaurants, so she was quietly ecstatic when her date had recommended it. After finishing a small goblet of Aegidienberger ice wine, Serveuse arrived with an ornately-decorated check folder, setting it between them. The alicorn hesitated a moment, studying the stallion across the table. She had always intended to pay for the meal, if only because she knew the Royal Treasury had deeper pockets than her date, but she had always been taught that one must at least attempt to pay. However, he was suddenly looking everywhere but her or the bill, apparently examining the most interesting blank wall in history. With an imperceptible sigh, she picked up the check in her magic.

With the bill paid, along with a healthy tip to help keep various ponies’ mouths shut concerning royal indiscretions, Luna and Alliterative Assonance found themselves walking through the Royal Canterlot Gardens. During the day, it was a beautiful explosion of colors from the flora that dotted the area, and the pleasant tweeting and chittering of the fauna gave a melodious chorus to those that walked it. During the night, however, the colors were muted, and the only sound that could be heard was the slow hooting of owls. The nocturnal Princess preferred it, as it allowed her to gather her thoughts.

The date, despite her sister’s incessant attempts at ruination, had gone...well, at least it wasn’t terrible. Obviously this stallion had been on a similar dry spell in terms of dates, or at least that's what Luna told herself to explain away the one-sided conversation and refusal to pay. No, this didn't even rank in the top five of her worst dates in history, because four of them involved more blood than she would prefer, and the other involved a hostage situation. No, this date was just...boring. The stallion was neither offensive nor titillating, he was just...there. Spouting opinions about ponies long gone from the mortal coil, consuming sustenance, and...existing. She felt neither joy nor anger towards the pony. Perhaps it had been too long since she had been on a date, and so she was unknowing of what to expect. But this much was certain: Alliterative Assonance offered nothing of substance that would warrant a second date. The more Luna thought about it, the more she came to the conclusion that she could have replaced him with a potted plant and gotten roughly the same experience as she had the last few hours.

Sure, her date somehow knew how to suck the oxygen out of the room once he began talking, and sure, her sister's ever-increasingly maddening attempts to ruin the date only magnified Assonance's duller-than-dishwater personality, but there had to be something enjoyable to salvage from the last few hours. She refused to prove Celestia right; every situation, no matter how trivial, could be an opportunity for something beneficial. To that end, she noticed a nearby tree and some shrubbery. The moon was rising by now, thanks to her sister, so she guided her date over to it. The two sat down in silence, looking up at the sky. If I get anything out of tonight, perhaps a short cuddle before ending the date, it would be worth it. Now I just need to set the mood... she thought to herself, struggling to come up with a poem that would both explain her intentions while also complementing the situation she found herself in. As she leaned to rest her head on the stallion's, the perfect sonnet came to mind:

"Not from the stars do I my judgment pluck;
And yet methinks I have Astronomy,
But not to tell of good or evil luck,
Of plagues, of dearths, or seasons' quality;
Nor can I fortune to brief minutes tell,
Pointing to each his thunder, rain and wind,
Or say with princes if it shall go well
By oft predict that I in heaven find:
But from thine eyes my knowledge I derive,
And, constant stars, in them I read such art
As truth and beauty shall together thrive,
If from thyself, to store thou wouldst convert;
Or else of thee this I prognosticate:
Thy end is truth's and beauty's doom and date.

As the last words left her lips, Luna looked down with a girlish giggle and shimmering eyes to her date. Instead of an expected smile or knowing smirk, she found an arched eyebrow and unamused look. Another giggle escaped the alicorn, this time far more confused than the first. Alliterative Assonance took an arrogant breath, but before the expected tirade concerning the cardinal sin of misusing poetry could begin, a voice from a nearby shrubbery cut him off.

“Speaking as a shrub, which I definitely am, I would not let this guy date my shrub sister. Who is also a shrub. Like me.” The alicorn’s head snapped to the source of the noise. Letting out an angry huff, she rose quickly. Staring at her date, she held up a hoof.

"Hold whatever inane thought you had. I must...exorcise this obviously possessed bush. Possibly with fire. I will return." Stomping over to the mysterious plant, she wasn’t shocked in the slightest to find her sister sheepishly crouching behind it.

“Uh. Pay no attention to the mare behind the shrubbery! Just know that this stallion is a loser and doesn’t deserve you.” Celestia stated, failing to suppress a grin. The blue alicorn’s magic gripped her by the ear, and she was dragged off.

Luna finally let go of her sister’s ear long enough to shout into it. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” The solar royal winced as she rubbed the sore spot. “IT’S BAD ENOUGH THAT THE ONLY DATE I CAN GET IS WITH SOME WANNABE ALSO-RAN, BUT YOU HAVE TO TAKE EVERY POSSIBLE CHANCE TO RUIN THINGS?! WHAT IN FAUST’S NAME ARE YOUR GOALS?! TO MAKE SURE I DIE SOME DRIED-UP OLD SPINSTER, TENDING TO HER CATS AND REMEMBERING FONDER DAYS WHILE YOU BED EVERY SINGLE UNICORN, EARTH PONY, AND PEGASUS WITH A PULSE?!” Celestia’s face lit up.

“Ah-ha! So you do think he’s a loser! I knew it!” she said with a triumphant hoof pump. “What was it that finally made you realize it? Was it the dossier? The poetry history? The fact that he was about to lecture you about one of your favorite sonnets?” The nocturnal diarch's eye twitched with anger for a moment, before her face finally broke into despondence.

“...I knew it the second he asked me on a date. Happy?” Luna answered, crossing her forelegs as she plopped on the ground.

“I mean...not particularly.” the white alicorn responded, her smile disappearing. “So then why did you bother with this whole song-and-dance routine?” her sister asked, sitting down next to her.

“Well, partially to shut you up about how I never go on dates.” she muttered. After bobbing her head back and forth in thought, she continued. “Also...because I don’t want to end up an old spinster tending to her cats. And because I can’t expect every stallion or mare to be proactive, I figured I could say yes to those that do. Even if they are losers. Maybe it would make me seem more...attainable. Worthy, even." She sighed. "At the very least, he’s one less stallion for me to worry about.”

Celestia draped a foreleg over her sister. “Hey...hey, I get it. I really do. Because, believe it or not, I don’t want that for you, either. You’re my baby sister, and the only thing I want for you is to be happy. And since you don’t have a future princess to marry like I do,” the blue alicorn shot a look at her counterpart, who ignored it, “I can’t really fault you for at least putting yourself out there.” There was a moment of silence before the two hugged briefly. “Just...trust me. If I say somepony isn’t worth your time, they ARE NOT worth your time. I can spot a deadbeat a mile away, and they’re rarely worth even spreading your haunches for. And by the way, of course you're worthy. Don't sell yourself so short; that's my job.” the older alicorn added with a playful nudge. Standing back up, Celestia dusted herself off. “So I tell you what: how about you go tell him off, and we both go back to the castle for some Hollow Shades cake, a couple of daiquiris, and go over Twilight’s latest letter? Apparently some foals got ahold of the love potion recipe, and it almost destroyed her town. Should be a good read!” Luna smiled at the thought.

“Perhaps tomorrow night. For now, I think I’ll bid Alliterative Assonance a good night and take a walk to clear my head. It’s been a long night, no thanks to some alicorns.” she replied, cocking an eyebrow in her sister’s direction. The action earned a chuckle, and with a nod and a flash, the white mare was gone.

Celestia rubbed her eyes awake as she opened the doors to her balcony. Magic surged through her horn, and the sun began to rise. She was about to return to her far too comfortable bed when she spied a dark blue alicorn carrying a flat box across the drawbridge into Canterlot Castle. “Luna?” she whispered. She quickly trotted out of her bedroom, and intercepted her sister who was using a napkin to wipe her mouth.

“Ah, Celestia. I’m glad you’re awake. Here, I bought donuts.” the alicorn exclaimed, opening the lid to showcase twenty-three fresh pastries. “You prefer the cream-filled ones, yes? I made sure to get a few extras.” Cautiously picking one up in her magic, the older sister took a bite.

“Are you just now getting back? That must’ve been some walk. Where’d you go, Griffinstone?” she asked, crumbs falling out of her mouth. Luna simply smiled and shook her head.

“Nay, sister. I simply walked around, and thought things over. Perhaps you’re right: I should be more discerning in future courtships, because I am worthy of the right somepony.” And with that she hoofed the box to her sister and entered her bedroom. She brought her napkin up to her nose, and blew. Staring at the contents briefly, she crumpled the makeshift tissue in her magic and threw it into a nearby trashcan. Yes. I must certainly be more judicious in my future choices.

Author's Note

And it's done! This took considerably longer than I expected it to, frankly. It's been far too long since I've had the time (or motivation, if I'm honest) to get back into my fanfics, so it's entirely possible that this isn't my best work. Had to knock the rust off, you know? And while it's not the long-awaited next chapter of T4KYOV, it's still something I'm glad to have written. The idea was, of course, inspired by an animation by artist extraordinaire TJ Pones! (And TJ, if you happen to find this, I hope I did it right by you.)

I'm hoping to continue this momentum and get back into the swing of things, fanfic-wise, as I have several ideas knocking around in the noggin that I'd love to publish.

If you enjoyed this little one-shot, let me know! And if you didn't, go ahead and let me know, but tell me in Pig Latin. As always, thank you very much for taking the time to read this, and have a wonderful day!