"You promised that you wouldn't let this happen again," Discord said as he sipped his tea.
"I know," Fluttershy groaned.
"I know you're the Element of Kindness and all, but you really are far too nice," he added.
"Luckily for you," Fluttershy quipped.
Discord bristled for just a moment. "You've already learned this lesson before, and so has he."
"He's only staying here until the end of the week," Fluttershy insisted. "He has some interviews lined up in a couple days." Discord huffed in annoyance. "It's just a few days."
"Good morning everypony!" Zephyr Breeze said as he shuffled into the kitchen, still in his pajamas.
"It's after noon," Discord grumbled.
"Siesta!" Zephyr sang.
Fluttershy got up from the kitchen table. "I need to step out and feed the critters. And then we can have lunch. How about grilled cheese?"
"Yeah!" Zephyr agreed.
"Discord, be a dear?" she asked.
"Also, we're out of cupcakes," Zephyr added.
Fluttershy took a deep breath and counted to ten in her head. Then she gave Discord a few bits from her coin pouch to go down to Sugarcube Corner before she stepped out of the house.
Zephyr sat at the table and his eyes followed the draconequus around the kitchen as he set to work getting the bread, cheese and butter while he turned on the stove and heated a pan.
"I don't get you," Zephyr said.
"Something has eluded the mental faculties of Zephyr Breeze? I shall have to alert the media," Discord sarcassed.
Zephyr rolled his eyes. He could always tell when Discord was making fun of him. He never made it a point to be particularly subtle about it. "I mean, this!" Zephyr said, motioning to Discord working in the kitchen. "What's the point of all this?"
"... To make a grilled cheese for Fluttershy," Discord answered, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. And in a lot of ways, it was.
"Yeah, but, couldn't you just snap your fingers and just materialize a grilled cheese out of thin air?" Zephyr asked.
"Yes."
"Couldn't you snap your fingers and and materialize a supermodel mare wearing a grilled-cheese bikini?"
"Yes."
"A super model mare made entirely out of grilled cheeses herself?"
The mental image gave even Discord a moment of pause, but his response was the same. "Yes."
"Then why don't you?"
"This is how Fluttershy likes her grilled cheese," he said, flipping the sandwich over on the pan with a spatula.
Zephyr Breeze made a whipping motion with his hoof, accompanied by a similar sound effect.
"How mature," Discord muttered. "Well you've clearly outmaneuvered me in this 4-D chess debate. I guess I'm just whipped."
"Come on. Seriously," Zephyr pressed him. "Why don't you just snap one into existence that is just as good as the one you're making, and just tell her you did it her way?"
"That would be dishonest," Discord said.
"What about the cupcakes?" Zephyr asked. "You could just snap some of those up. Why go all the way down to the bakery to buy some?"
"To support local business."
"Yeah but you know Fluttershy doesn't have a ton of money. You could just snap some bits up instead of using hers."
"I could."
"Then why don't you at least do that?"
"For the same reason why we don't use oak leaves as currency," Discord said.
"Huh?"
"Look, let's say Fluttershy asked you to paint her cottage, and then afterwards, she paid you in oak leaves, would that be acceptable?"
"No! Of course not!" Zephyr scoffed.
"Why not?"
"Because they're worthless!"
"Why?"
"They grow on trees! I could just step outside and get a brazilian of them right now."
"Precisely," Discord said. "Bits have value because of their scarcity. Because there is a finite amount of them. Because ponies have to work to earn them. That gives them extrinsic value."
Zephyr just snorted dismissively. "Yeah well, if I had your power, I could do a lot better than just being my sister's bitch."
The corner of Discord's eye twitched. Part of him, the old Discord, wanted to turn the useless stallion into a houseplant, so that he could start giving back the oxygen he wasted with his mere existence. But another thought occurred to him. A kernel of an idea that festered in his mind for a long moment. It was both too good and too wicked to ignore. He simply needed to see how it would play out.
"Okay," Discord said simply.
"Okay what?" Zephyr asked.
"Okay. I will give you my power. I want to see how Zeph Almighty would do things," Discord said with a smirk as he snapped his fingers.
Zephyr Breeze sat there. He didn't feel any different. "Um... okay?" He looked at his hoof and his lack of fingers with which to snap.
"Just say whatever it is you wish for," Discord explained.
"I wish I had a grilled cheese sandwich," Zephyr said.
Just like that, a hot, fresh grilled cheese sandwich appeared on a plate on the kitchen table in front of him.
"I wish I had two!" Another appeared on the plate beside it. "I wish there was a supermodel mare wearing a grilled cheese bikini, who is made out of grilled cheeses!"
With a flash, an amorphous vaguely-pony-shaped amalgam of grilled cheese sandwiches appeared beside him. She smiled and greeted him. "Hello."
Zephyr Breeze lunged at her and took a bite out of her neck. He got a delicious mouthful of crispy, cheesy goodness. The mare screamed out and fell to the floor as cheese fondue began spurting from her neck.
"I wish she wasn't alive!" Zephyr yelled. The mare stopped moving.
Discord leaned over to look at her. "I think she may have beat you to that one."
"I wish she was gone!" The grilled cheese mare vanished.
The door opened and Fluttershy rushed inside. "Is everything okay? I heard screaming."
"Well Zephyr," Discord said. "Less than a minute of absolute power and you've already murdered somepony."
"What!?" Fluttershy shrieked.
"She wasn't even real!" Zephyr said. "I wish you didn't hear any of that!"
With a flash, Fluttershy's scared expression vanished into one of calm confusion. "I... I don't remember what I came in for."
"Lunch?" Zephyr offered her the plate with two grilled cheese sandwiches on it.
"Oh... right." Fluttershy took one of the sandwiches with her back outside.
Discord snapped his currently cooking sandwich out of existence. "Well you clearly have everything well in hoof. I'm going to head down to Sugar Cube Corner and get those cupcakes."
"Wait, I can do that now!" Zephyr said. "I wish I had a million bits!"
Every single empty space in the house was instantly filled with coins and the ground outside rumbled with an earthquake of coins covering the property.
"Seems a bit impractical," Discord mused.
"Okay, no. I wish these bits were gone." The mountains of coins vanished. "I wish that whenever I reach into my bag, there's bits!" Zephyr reached into his saddlebag and scooped out a hoof full of bits. "Ha! Perfect! Now I can go... no, wait a minute! I wish I had a dozen cupcakes!"
A dozen cupcakes appeared on a plate on the table in front of him. The gears started to turn in his head. "I don't even need money!"
"No, but Sugarcube Corner probably still does," Discord said, pointing at the cupcakes. "This is a lost sale for them."
Zephyr scooped out two more heaping piles of bits. "Screw that! I could just go down there and buy the whole place!"
"Is that your dream?" Discord asked. "To own and manage a bakery?"
"No. My dream is..." Zephyr's lips peeled back into a grin. "I wish Rainbow Dash was here!"
In a flash, Rainbow Dash appeared. "What the hay!?"
"I wish we were married!" A marriage certificate appeared in front of him.
"What!? We're not married!" Dash yelled.
Discord glanced at the certificate. "Well legally, it looks like you are."
"Fine then I'm getting it annulled!" Dash said. "There's no way I'd ever marry your ugly ass!"
"I wish every mare thought I was attractive."
Dash blinked. "It doesn't matter how hot you are, I still think you're a dweeb!"
"I wish Dash was in love with me."
Dash blinked again. "Oh, buck yes! Let's do it right here on Fluttershy's table right in front of Discord!"
Discord rolled his eyes. "Ugh, I do not need to be here for this part." With a snap of his fingers he vanished.
Fluttershy gasped as she walked in on the scene. "Zephyr! Rainbow! What are you doing!?" From Rainbow's position straddling him, it seemed obvious. Zephyr opened his mouth to reply, but before he could, Fluttershy practically body-checked Dash off of him and took her place before getting him to finish.
"Dang it Fluttershy!" Dash yelled. "He's my husband!"
"But I've taken better care of him!" Fluttershy said.
"That's true, Flutters." Zephyr said. "I wish I could marry you both." A second marriage certificate appeared beside them. "Oh. Welcome to the herd I guess."
"Fine, but I still get a turn!" Dash said, looking at his flaccid penis impatiently.
"I wish I was ready to go again," Zephyr said. In an instant his refractory period vanished and he was hard again. Rainbow Dash wasted no time riding him again until she got him to finish inside her too.
"Wow!" Dash panted. "I can't believe how horny I am. We're not even in estrus."
"That's too bad," Zephyr said. "I wish you were." Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash physically shuddered as they suddenly ovulated.
They both looked at their dripping creampies. "Yeah, we're definitely going to get pregnant from this!"
"Oh wow. I wish I knew what our foals are going to look like!" Zephyr said. A montage of their pregnancy flashed before his eyes and then the two mares were sitting side by side cradling their foals in their hooves.
"Well, look at the new papa," Fluttershy said. "And with your bag of infinite bits it will be no trouble raise them and put them through school."
Zephyr grabbed a hoof full of bits from his bag. "Yeah I guess."
"But you still have to actually help raise them. Midnight feedings. Changing diapers. Helping them with homework."
"I wish my mom would help," Zephyr said.
Posy Shy appeared in the room. "Oh, Zephyr! Look how handsome you are!" she said before pouncing on him.
"It's not going to be very easy for Mom to help when she's pregnant, too," Fluttershy said. Zephyr didn't stop Posey from riding him to climax.
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "Don't let that stop you from enjoying it, I guess." Posey smiled at her creampie.
"Well, really, what's one more foal?" Zephyr said. Posey shivered, getting the distinct feeling that she would be having twins. "And... hey wait, I don't even have to raise them! I can just wish for them to graduate from school!" Another montage flashed before his eyes and before him stood his four grown foals in caps and gowns. "...as Valedictorians!" he added. A sash appeared draped over their shoulders.
"Well, look at you!" Discord said from behind Zephyr. "Less than a day with my power and you managed to knock up your lifelong crush, your sister, and mother. And despite everything, all of your foals graduated simultaneously top of their class. You must feel very proud of yourself."
Zephyr looked at his devoted herd of mare wives. "I feel... nothing... I wish I did feel proud!" Zephyr said.
"Ah, but I may have put some limitations on your power," Discord said.
Zephyr grabbed a hoof full of bits from his pouch. "I have everything I could ever want! Why does it feel so... depressing?"
Discord leaned on the empty air. "You can buy trophies, Zephyr."
"What?"
"You can buy trophies," Discord repeated. "You can go right down to the trophy store and buy whatever trophy you want. Here, have one!" Discord snapped his fingers and a massive statue appeared in Zephyr's hooves.
World's Greatest Dad.
"But this isn't..." Zephyr looked at it. "It's not real. It's not really true."
"Isn't it?" Discord asked, pointing at the four honor grads.
Zephyr looked at his foals. He didn't even know their names. He looked at the trophy again. "But I... I didn't earn it. It feels... hollow." He put his hoof on his chest. "I feel hollow."
"Exactly," Discord said. "The reward of success doesn't mean anything if you cheat. It's just like buying a trophy you didn't earn."
"It's okay Zephyr," Rainbow Dash said. "I still love you."
"But why do you love me?" Zephyr asked.
"Because I... love you."
"What about me do you love?"
"I love... you."
"Doesn't that feel nice?" Discord asked.
"No," Zephyr said. "It feels... awful."
"Work is what gives rewards value. The reward of Rainbow Dash's love feels hollow because you didn't earn it. You don't deserve it. You cheated. You just wished away all the challenges in your life, turning their rewards into oak leaves."
"Worthless." Zephyr fell to his knees and cried. "I wish I never did any of this!"
Zephyr's vision became a wash of rushing colors before he fell into Fluttershy's kitchen chair. He quickly looked around the room. The only other creature was Discord standing at the kitchen stove. "Where'd everypony go?"
"Fluttershy just stepped out to feed the critters. Remember?" Discord asked.
"Was that..? Was I dreaming?" Zephyr asked.
"Whatever you need to tell yourself, World's Greatest Dad."
Zephyr swallowed hard.
"Okay, I'm back," Fluttershy said. "Discord, are you ready to start grilling some cheeses?"
"Actually, let me try," Zephyr said.
Fluttershy looked surprised. "... Really? I mean, I'm glad to see you wanting to help, but they can be a little tricky."
"Yeah! I mean, how hard can it be?" he asked.
~
Zephyr slid the carbonized briquettes that were formerly food onto Fluttershy's plate. "Uh, tada..?"
Fluttershy forced a smile.
"I'll get it right next time!"
"At least you're trying," she said. "That's what counts."
"A+ for effort," Discord said, "That's worth something." He snapped his fingers and the charred black mistakes transformed into perfect grilled cheeses.
"Uh, listen, Shy? You don't need to go buying me cupcakes. I can buy my own once I get my new job."
"Oh, don't worry about it Zeph," she said. "I always seem to have a few spare bits in my bag."
Author's Note
Partly inspired by:
EDiscord buys coffee cake
What appears to be a simple errand will afford one mare in particular greater insight into the mind of the lord of chaos.
Razalon The Lizardman ·
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