Delivery Girl

by Distressing Prose

Rating: everyone
Tags: Human, Mrs. Cake, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Discord, Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life
Length: 3543

Kevin delivers a pizza. Shenanigans happen. Muffin!

Every now and then, Pizza Time management allows some weird delivery instructions. Somehow, it's always ponies.

This time it's Kevin who draws the short straw on following through.

Edited by HiddenMaster.
Author is not affiliated with Kevin, Pizza Time LLC, or any extradimensional entity.

Published 2021-03-31 13:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-03-31 13:30:00 UTC

Delivery Girl

"Sorry, Kevin. That's the short straw. You know what to do."

Kevin sighed and pulled down the brim of his orange delivery hat. The customer’s directions, printed in large letters on the receipt, were clear: send your cutest delivery girl.

"Shit," Kevin said. But he did know what to do. Everyone did. There were a select few addresses whitelisted for this kind of instruction by middle management—why was anyone's guess—and it was rare for someone to volunteer.

He still had as long as it took the pizza to cook, but that was a few scarce minutes, and he lost most of them sitting in a break chair and holding his head. The day had started with a failed exam, and only got more entertaining when a debt collector called. Now his benefits package had come back to haunt him and he was running out of time to get his tail in gear for work.

With a sigh, Kevin got up, stepped into the back office, and opened his wallet. He tossed his pink Man Card into the designated bin. His grey Man Card went into another.

"Ponyfeathers," he hissed to himself. He'd snuck a look on someone else's turn once, but the rapid onset of the changes still caught him out. His feet warped first, aching terribly until he managed to get his shoes off. His back, right below the shoulder blades, was the next to ache, and his training kicked in. He tore off his shirt, and his pants and socks followed. His briefs and corded glasses didn't quite make it off by the time his fingers stopped working and his body partially locked up. That was bad, but there was nothing left to do besides crumple to the floor in a fetal position and wait it out.

It would only be five minutes, he told himself. It would be done after that. He could deliver a pizza, find his way home, and retire on the promised severance package. That was about the only silver lining he could see until grey hair crept up the bridge of his nose. He closed his eyes. It would look more natural when the change was finished. Why had he taken this stupid job? The benefits, substantial as they were, looked a lot less attractive from his position on the floor.

Kevin did his best to shut things out as the change happened. It was hard to ignore when something else climbed his nose and his face became malformed, but that did help to distract from how his legs multiplied and his hands grew feathers. At least, he thought, it didn't hurt. There was only a series of dull aches that came and went in seconds.

When his body was quiet, Kevin opened his eyes, yelped, and slammed their lids shut again. His moment of vision had been utter nonsense, an overlapping mish-mash of misplaced scenery. It served him right for leaving his glasses on, he supposed. One was meant to be buck naked for this, but his fumble-fingers just hadn't dealt with his uniform quickly enough. He didn't even want to know what happened with his briefs.

With much more caution, Kevin opened his right eye. The clock was ticking. His delivery was, in all likelihood, already waiting on the counter. He took a deep breath.

"Okay," he told himself. He paused at how much higher and sweeter his voice had become, but he still needed a pep talk. He pressed on. "You can do this. Ignore what your body does, just do it. Just go, like you were told in training. You've got this."

Kevin got up easily enough. He had decided to do it, and his changed body had executed the how. It knew what it was doing. He smiled, turned around, and walked muzzle-first into a doorframe.

"Ow!" He recoiled, sitting down hard, and it took a second to realize no actual pain was forthcoming. Well, he thought, at least this girl pony body was built to last. He barked out a laugh, got back up, and navigated through the office door.

"Wow, they really went all out."

Kevin stopped, turning his open eye on the speaker. The woman standing over him was unfamiliar—probably a new hire, or maybe the franchise owner's daughter. Something like that. She was tomboyish and, Kevin thought, very pretty. She wore a red shirt and had the biggest smile on her face.

"Who's 'they'?" he asked. She gave the expected answer.

"Oh, you know, they. Whoever, or whatever, does this to you guys. You're so cute!"

"Okay." Kevin turned away, looking for the outgoing delivery counter. The box he needed was just above eye level. Great, he was small. That did seem to be a prerequisite for cuteness, so it fit, but how was he supposed to get that pizza down or into its carry bag, let alone fly it where it needed to go?

Wait, why was flying his first resort? He looked down at his right wing. Right, he was a pegasus. He could fly. He wouldn't be the first to pull it off, either.

"Need a hand?" the woman asked. Kevin giggled in the least manly way possible, despite himself.

"Well, I do now!" he joked. Why was he laughing about this? Well, it was pretty funny, he thought, and he got a grin and a cackle for the trouble. Success, then! With help, he soon had a loaded pizza bag strapped to his chest and belly. As he turned to head for the door, though, he caught a faceful of betrousered leg. The woman giggled manically, bent down, and poked his new muzzle with her left index finger.

"Boop!"

Kevin's right eye focused on the fingertip. He was vaguely aware of his face scrunching up like a squished muffin under the light touch.

"You're a little derpy, huh?" the woman asked.

"Uhh," he said. He supposed that assessment wasn't wrong. "Do you mind, Miss...?"

"Eris," said Eris, withdrawing her finger. "And you?"

"Derpy." Oh right, Derpy thought. Derpy was his name. Clever. Wait, no. "What did you—"

"Have a lovely morning!" Eris sang out. Then she snapped two fingers and vanished, like she had never been there in the first place.

Where were the rest of the shop staff, anyway? Was Derpy missing a meeting, or had orders hit a lull period, resulting in a flurry of simultaneous breaks? Was he just seeing things? He didn't have time to think about it; there was pizza to deliver. Shaking off the feeling that something wasn't right, Derpy stepped outside and launched himself into the afternoon sky.

The air didn't smell very good once he got away from the pizzeria—it rarely did, laden with exhaust fumes and dirt as it was—but the flow of it over his feathers was delightful. His whole being rejoiced at the sensations of his newly-shrunken body sailing through the sky and the beating of his wings against the weight of the delivery bag. He'd been a pony for less than ten minutes, and now look at him—soaring above the streets as if he'd always known how.

Derpy allowed himself to smile. Flying was awesome. He was sure he'd figure out flying straight soon enough. As his wide eyes watched the city fly past below, he barely noticed the strange view caused by the split in his vision.

With a start, Derpy realized he'd forgotten where he was going. His neck, fortunately, was long and flexible enough to bend his head down and look at the address label taped to the bag. It was upside down—no, his head was upside down—but he managed to get oriented. He knew the shop's entire delivery area, so he knew he'd overshot his destination. Derpy made a sweeping turn in the correct direction and let himself lose some altitude.

The air was clear, but Derpy felt like he was descending into an unseen fog, one which got thicker the lower he went. As he spiraled towards the ground to confirm that he was near the correct address, it felt more and more like the fog descended into him. It didn't lift when he pulled up.

"Whoa," Derpy slurred out. His voice had lost some of its high pitch and sweetness, which suited him just fine. Less suitably, he found his thoughts kept getting lost in the phantom mist. One thing, fortunately, remained clear: delivery from Point A to Point B. He would get in trouble otherwise.

The right house was just ahead and just below. It was a very nice house in a very nice neighborhood. It had a yard! Derpy wasn't jealous, except for a little bit. When he retired, he would get a yard made of clouds, so there. He alighted upon the walk leading up to the front porch at the same time as the front door opened.

"Well. You're not what I was expecting." The man in the doorway took his glasses off, rubbed the lenses with a handkerchief, and put them back on, blinking rapidly the whole time.

"Pony!" A shriek of delight from inside turned into a blur of motion. Before Derpy could react he found a little girl, slightly shorter than himself, latched on to his neck and shoulders. She didn't quite manage to crush the breath out of him, though, despite her surprising strength. Once again, his newfound durability had bailed him out.

Derpy's instinctual freeze let him go. Confronted with a cute and huggy child, he put out a hand-turned-wing for a quick, gentle embrace. He broke the silence seconds later, when he realized she might not let go on her own.

"Hey," Derpy said. The way his voice slurred and struggled was silly, and he giggled at it. "Hugs are nice. You're nice. What's your name? I'm Derpy!"

"Tina!" said Tina. "You're a pony! You're real!"

"That she is, sweetie," said the man, who had come over to supervise. "They really did send their cutest delivery girl, huh."

"Thank you!" Derpy smiled. She was making good impressions everywhere today! "Hey, Tina, want some pizza?"

"Yeah! I'm really hungry!" Tina finally let go, and Derpy took a moment to stretch her neck.

"Help me get it out of this bag?" Derpy said. She slid out of the straps easily enough, but the clasps holding her delivery bag shut just weren't made for hooves. That was where Tina's fingers came in. In moments, Derpy was able to triumphantly hold up the hot square box that had been hidden within.

"Your pizza, sir?" she said, looking up at the man. One successful delivery later, he and Tina were walking back to the house, and Derpy had a ten dollar bill tucked under the left side of her brown cap. She could have sworn she'd forgotten her company hat back at the shop, but it sure was convenient.

"That went well."

Derpy blinked, then looked over her shoulder. Eris was back. There was only one appropriate response that came to mind.

"Ack!" Eris stiffened at first, but the pegasus's upside down tackle-hug softened her quickly, and she gave Derpy an awkward pat on the head. "Ha. I should have expected you, of all ponies, would take this in stride."

"Yeah!" Derpy said. Unlike Tina, she knew when to let go, and slid down Eris's chest and legs. She landed on her head, but it didn't hurt, so she just rolled onto her hooves and laughed. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Oh, no reason." Eris whistled innocently and clasped her hands together behind her back. "Muffin?"

"Yes!" Derpy said. Her tail swished, and she found herself bouncing on the tips of her hooves.

"Excellent." Eris cackled. Her attempt at an evil grin made Derpy giggle, though, and she dropped it. "I have a friend at Sugarcube Corner who—Why am I explaining? Boop!"

Derpy blinked as the woman’s left hand whipped out and poked her muzzle again. This time, though, the entire world disappeared with her. The familiar browns, greys, and blacktop of Earth were gone, replaced by vibrant everything. Bright pink buildings, luscious green grass, and ponies of every color surrounded the little pegasus. The air smelt of flowers and bakery, and it carried a dozen happy voices.

Most important, however, was a big yellow-brown sign in front of Derpy. Free muffins for new customers, it declared. Her mouth watered.

Wherever she had ended up was absolutely wonderful.

Author's Note

This chapter was test-read by Petrichord and Lise Eclaire.

Imposter Syndrome

"Oh, hello again, dear!"

Derpy blinked as the door swung shut behind her. There were several ponies in the shop, most of them browsing display cases and chatting away, but they hadn't spoken to her. The one who had was a portly blue mare who smiled at the new pony from behind a counter, where her front hooves were busy boxing up a bunch of cupcakes. The place smelled of baked heaven, so it was easy for Derpy to match her smile as she waved.

"Hi! I'm Derpy!" she said as she approached the counter. The blue mare giggled.

"And I'm Cup Cake, but we both know that. I'm sorry, just a moment, please." She turned to call towards the room behind her. "Carrot, honey, how long on the cookies for Twist's party?"

"Four minutes!" a masculine voice replied.

"Thank you!" Mrs. Cake turned her attention back to Derpy. "So, what can we get you today?"

Derpy blinked again. What had she come here for? There had been a sign, hadn't there? She looked over her shoulder and spotted another sign by the door.

New in town? Don't leave without your free muffin!

Derpy's face brightened again and she pointed at the sign, then looked back to Mrs. Cake. The mare just giggled. She sure was in a good mood. Success?

"Dear, that's for newcomers. You were just here."

"I was?" Derpy frowned, and felt her ears droop. She didn't remember that. Then again, she had also forgotten why she came in. Still, she was pretty sure the last thing she had done was deliver a pizza, not visit a gingerbread bakery.

"You were," Mrs. Cake confirmed. "Are you alright? You aren't usually this forgetful."

Derpy thought for a moment. So far this afternoon, she had giggled a lot, learned to fly, and gotten a good tip. The hugs had been nice too.

"Yep!" Derpy said. Oh, wait. She had a good tip. Ten bucks was plenty for a muffin!

"It's okay," she added. "I can pay."

"My, you've got an appetite this morning." Cup Cake smiled again and paused in her cake-boxing. "What'll it be, then? Another Blueberry Surprise?"

"Yes please!" Derpy's smile returned, too, and her ears perked up. This was pretty easy. She didn't even have to guess what kinds of muffins were available.

"Lucky for you, we just made another batch," said Mrs. Cake. "Coming right up!"

The blue mare turned around to reach for something, and Derpy struggled with her money, trying not to tear it in the process of extracting it from her hat. Then she remembered she could just take her hat off, giggled, and did so. The folded bill fluttered to the floor, and the hat went back where it belonged.

"Here you are!"

Derpy managed to retrieve her money, and looked up just as Mrs. Cake placed a big blueberry muffin on the counter in front of her. The pegasus's belly rumbled with avarice, and she held up her ten dollar bill. And kept holding it up. After a moment of relative silence, Mrs. Cake took the bill, her eyes shifting between it and her customer.

"Derpy? Where did you get this?" she asked.

"Someone gave it to me for pizza," said Derpy. "He was really nice!"

"Maybe so. This is alien money, dear. It's worth something, I'm sure, but I can't—"

"Hi Mrs. Cake!" Derpy yelled.

Derpy tried to look at her mouth, which didn't work. Weird, hadn't she already said that?

"Oh, good morning, Derpy!" said Cup Cake, turning towards the door. "Can I get you—"

She stopped. Derpy followed her gaze to find a second Derpy walking in, carrying a big brown box on her back. All three of them froze.

Derpy stared at Derpy. The Derpy with a box looked at Mrs. Cake, then slowly turned towards the Derpy by the counter. The blue mare's mouth formed an oh. The Derpys locked gazes. As much as they could, anyway.

Box Derpy grew an enormous smile and set down her cargo. Derpy lifted a hoof and gave her counterpart a nervous little wave. That was a mistake. Box Derpy launched herself across the space between them with a joyful cry. Before she could react, Derpy was tackled into a tumbling mass of hugging, squealing blonde pegasus that only stopped when she hit the back wall of the shop.

Distracted by the sudden appearance of stars, Derpy didn't get up when her double got off of her. Instead, she giggled and batted playfully at the little dancing lights. They were silly. Stars weren't supposed to be inside. Where was her hat? The stars disappeared, though, and now Mrs. Cake stood over her with a look of concern.

"Are you alright, dear?" the blue mare asked.

"My bad," Box Derpy added. She wore a sheepish half-smile, and her hat had gone missing as well.

Derpy thought about it for a moment. Nothing actually hurt, and the other Derpy was very happy to see her for some reason, so everything was alright.

"Yep!" She got up and brushed herself off with her wings, then looked around for her hat.

Everyone was staring at her. Through the fog in her head, it finally occurred to her that maybe there weren't supposed to be two of her, and here she had both gone and made a scene no one could ignore. She opened her mouth to apologize for something, but only stammering came out until Mrs. Cake stepped forward to intervene.

"Okay, everypony, you've all seen Imposter Syndrome before," she said, her Mom Voice rising above the room with absolute authority. "Now mind your own business, and be sure to ask about our sale on pre-decorated cakes!"

The gathered ponies hesitated, then fell to chatting excitedly amongst themselves. Derpy could hear some of them talking about her, but more were discussing the sale. She picked up her hat and gave Mrs. Cake a grateful smile.

"Thank you!"

"Of course," said the blue mare, returning to a casual tone. "Now, I believe this makes your muffin free. Why don’t we get that sorted out?"

"Yes please!" Derpy said, her tail swishing in excitement. She was back in her place at the counter in short order, where Mrs. Cake passed her back the money she had tried to pay with.

"Here's your change," said the blue mare. "I would take that to the bank; it looks particularly ornate, and the Princess's agents should give you plenty for it."

This was super easy, Derpy thought as she tucked the bill behind her left ear. Now she had a muffin and a clear plan.

"And your Blueberry Surprise," said Mrs. Cake, nudging the muffin that was already sitting on Derpy's side of the counter. "Enjoy, dear. Do come back."

"Thank you!” Derpy took her prize from the counter at last and bit off a big chunk.

Sweet and mildly tart blueberry collided with warm, cakey muffin and scattered grains of coarse sugar to play a flavor symphony in yes major in Derpy's mouth. Her body was filled with a pleasant tingling. When she reflexively chewed, the flavor and tingles only intensified, and the rest of the world faded for a moment of focused enjoyment. She closed her eyes and sighed out a note of pure gustatory delight.

Derpy wasn't sure how long it took her to get through that first bite, but when her senses finally cleared, Box Derpy had her wrapped up in another big hug. Mrs. Cake had disappeared, replaced by a yellow-orange stallion who was going through the contents of a large, brown box. The bitten blueberry muffin sat innocently on the counter.

"Um," Derpy said. Her double let go and beamed a smile at her.

"I like you!" Box Derpy let out a giddy laugh. "But I gotta go. Talk to me after work, cutie-muffin!"

Then the other Derpy was out the door and gone, leaving her counterpart blushing, stammering, and unsure what she was even trying to say. The stallion who had picked up counter duty shook his head and chuckled.

"Well, you're not a changeling, so I guess somepony finally got her wish," he said. He pulled his box off the counter. "You be nice, now. She's one of our best customers."

Derpy wasn't sure what a changeling was supposed to be, but it sounded like everything was fine. She had a good day, a good muffin, and pretty ponies who liked her. Success! She pulled herself together enough to nod.

"Yes sir!" she said. Her quick salute knocked her hat off again and she giggled, despite herself. The stallion joined her for a moment.

"Just Mr. Cake to you, Derpy," he said. "Welcome to Ponyville."