Barney Stinson Picks Up a Pony
Princess Twilight Sparkle was taking a mid-day walk around Ponyville. She smiled as she looked around at the town she loved. She then frowned in confusion when she saw something out of place. It was a bipedal creature wearing a suit sleeping on the ground. She then smiled at the prospect of the discovery of a new species.
She walked over to the sleeping creature and gently nudged it “Excuse me.” she said.
The creature stirred until it started to sit up “Man, last night was crazy. Amy was on top of her game. And I was on top of her, what up.” he said to himself. He then noticed the purple pony smiling at him “I don't remember doing LSD last night.” he said.
Twilight cleared her throat “My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I've never seen a creature like you before. Would you mind telling me about yourself?” she asked.
The creature closed his eyes and shook his head. When he opened his eyes the pony was still staring at him “I guess you are real.” he said to himself before standing up “Barney Stinson, I'm a human.” he introduced.
Twilight was so excited to learn more about him “I hope you don't mind if I ask you some questions. First of all, what do you do for a living?” she asked.
Barney gave a short chuckle “Please...” he said.
Twilight waited for him to elaborate but he never did “Um okay then. How about what you do for fun?” she asked.
Barney pointed a finger at her and smiled “Thank you for asking. I bang hot chicks.” he said.
Twilight's smiled melted into a frown “Was that supposed to be a joke?” she asked.
Barney shook his head “No, in fact do know of any hot chicks around?” he asked.
Twilight tried to gather her thoughts “Sorry Barney but I think you're in a different world then where you're from. There aren't any humans here, only ponies.” she said.
Barney gave an exasperated sigh “So I can't hit on drunk bimbos? What kind of BS world did I end up in?” he asked.
Twilight's frown deepened “Sorry to disappoint you. Even if you tried nopony would sleep with a unknown creature from another world.” she said.
Barney lit up “Challenge accepted!” he announced.
“What?” twilight asked.
“I Barney Stinson will get a pony from this world to sleep with me.” he then turned to Twilight “And you're going to help me.” he said.
Twilight took a step back in surprise and shook her head “I didn't challenge you, and I'm definitely not going to help you sleep with anypony.” she said.
Barney gave Twilight a pleading expression “Come on Twilight, I have no bros in this world. No wingmen. I need a substitute bro. A brostitute, no a substibro.” he said.
Twilight was about to reject him again but then she started to think about it. She didn't want him to run around Ponyville alone. He could get hurt, or hurt somepony. She sighed “Fine, I'll...” she couldn't believe she was going to say this “I'll be your wingpony.” she said.
Barney fist pumped “Yes! Twilight trust me this will be legen- wait for it...” he said. Twilight waited for something but after a few seconds nothing happened. She opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by Barney “...dary! Legendary!” he exclaimed.
Twilight was speechless “Let's just get this over with.” she said. She was ready to move but Barney stayed where he was “Why are you standing still?” she asked.
Barney gestured to her body “Twilight, what do you think you're wearing?” he asked.
Twilight looked down at her body in confusion to see nothing out of the ordinary “Nothing?” she said.
Barney shook his head in disappointment “Wrong! You're wearing not a suit and that's a problem that needs to be fixed immediately.” he said.
Twilight blushed a bit “I'm a mare! What would everypony think if I walked around in a suit.” she said.
“They would would think that you look awesome. If you don't own a suit then we'll have to buy one. Do you know a good tailor?” he asked.
Twilight sighed “I do, my friend Rarity. Follow me.” she said before walking with a hung head.
After walking for a few minutes, Twilight and Barney were standing in front of carousel boutique. Barney raised a fist to knock but Twilight stopped him “Wait, I should talk to her first. She might be a little surprised to see something like you without some context.” she said.
Barney held a hand up to silence her “Worry not. The barnacle knows how to make a good first impression.” he said before knocking on the door. After a few seconds Rarity opened the door “Daddy's home.” Barney said.
Rarity just stared blankly at him for a short amount of time before she started slowly shutting the door. Twilight got in front of Barney and stopped Rarity from closing the door “Sorry about him, his name is Barney Stinson. He's a new friend of-”
“Best friend.” Barney interrupted.
Twilight tried to continue “He's a new friend of-”
“Best friend.” he interrupted once again.
Twilight growled “He's my best friend.” she said through gritted teeth.
Rarity opened the door again “Well, it's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Stinson.” she said.
Barney smirked “Well if it's pleasure you want-” he was interrupted by Twilight punching him in the stomach “What I meant to say was, nice to meet you too Miss Rarity.” he said while holding his stomach in pain.
Rarity turned back to Twilight and gave her a smile “Is there something I can help you with?” she asked.
Once Twilight remember why they were there she blushed “Uh, I was wondering if you could make me a...suit?” she asked.
Rarity's smiled faltered “You want a suit?” she cleared her throat smiled again “Well to each their own, as I always say.” she said as she walked into her store. Twilight and Barney followed her in.
Rarity started rummaging through her supplies “I still have your measurements so I can start on your um, suit immediately.” she said. Once she got everything situated, she started working “So, may I ask what made you interested in a suit?” she asked.
Barney answered for her “Because suits are awesome.” he struck a pose to show off his suit “Exhibit A.” he said.
“I meant, what's the occasion?” rarity clarified.
Twilight tried to hide her embarrassment “I'm going to be Barney's...wingpony.” she said.
Rarity turned to her with a shocked expression. Barney slung his arm around Twilight's neck “She's my substibro!” he announced.
Rarity opened her mouth to speak before deciding to finish the suit in silence.
After a hour Twilight had her new suit on. It was navy blue with a purple and blue striped tie. Rarity admired it in pride “It's not what I thought I'd be making today, but I think it really suits you. Pun not intended. Should I start advertising to cross dressers?” she wondered to herself.
Barney also admired the suit “Look at yourself Twilight, you suited up. But that's just step one. Step two is to locate the hunting ground. Is there a bar around here?” he asked.
Twilight shook her head “No, but they serve alcoholic beverages at sugarcube corner.” she said.
Barney turned toward the door “Perfect! We ride!” he said as he ran outside.
Once he was far enough Rarity walked up beside Twilight “Are you really his wingpony?” she asked.
Twilight nodded sadly “I just don't want him to get himself hurt.” she said.
Barney and Twilight entered sugarcube corner to see that it was very busy. Barney smirked “Yeah, this will work. Now we need a booth.” he said.
Twilight spotted an empty booth across the room “There's one over there.” she said.
Barney saw the one she pointed out and shook his head “No, we need one with a better view.” he said. He then saw a corner booth with two ponies “That one.” he said as he approached it.
“Wait, that one's taken.” she said as she followed.
Barney stopped in front of the corner booth and slammed his hands onto it to get the pony's attention “Alright, beat it. This is our booth now.” he said. The ponies stared at him as he stared back. After a few seconds the ponies slid out of the booth while grumbling in anger.
Twilight gave them an apologetic look “I'm so sorry, have a good day.” she said before sitting down next to Barney “That was so mean!” she scolded.
Barney waved her concerns away with his hand “Don't worry about that, you're up first.” he said.
Twilight tilted her head in confusion “What do you mean?” she asked.
“Twilight, being bros means that we scratch each other's backs. So I'll help you score then you'll help me.” he explained.
Twilight's face turned a deep red “No, absolutely not. I'm not hitting on stallions.” she said.
Barney raised both of his eyebrows “If you swung that way, you should have just told me. I'll help you land the mare of your dreams, as long as you let me watch.” he said.
Twilight slapped him “That's not what I meant! Also gross.” she said.
Barney rubbed his sore cheek but recovered quickly “Either way, I'm gonna get you laid. It'll be fun, we're gonna play a game called haaaaave you met Twilight?” he said before he left the booth.
Twilight started to panic “No, Barney.” she said but barney didn't stop. She sighed and reluctantly followed.
Barney walked up to an older brown coated stallion with a black mane “Hey, Barney Stinson.” he introduced.
Filthy Rich gave him a smile and a nod “Pleased to meet you, I'm Filthy Rich.” he said.
Barney frowned for a second “Braggy much?” he muttered before getting back on track “Well Filthy, haaaaave you met Twilight?” he asked as he gestured to Twilight.
Filthy nodded “I have, good day princess.” he said.
Twilight glared at Barney “I told you I didn't want to do this, plus he's married.” she said.
“So? Marriage is a sham anyway.” he said.
Twilight turned back to Filthy “Sorry to bother you.” she said before walking away.
Barney followed and shook his head “Crash and burn, you hate to see it.” he said.
Twilight glared at him and blushed “I didn't crash and burn, I just didn't want to get between him and his wife.” she said.
Barney snapped his fingers and pointed at her “That's it! Ask him for a three way!” he suggested.
Twilight stomped a hoof in anger “How is that what you got out of what I said!” she yelled. She then took a deep breath to calm herself down “Can we just focus on you for the moment?” she asked.
They sat back down in their corner booth and Barney started scanning the ponies in the area “Sounds good. Let's see what kind of talent this place has.” he said.
After a few minutes Twilight started to get bored “Does it usually take this long?” she asked.
Barney frowned “I'm kinda out of my element here. I don't know what is an attractive quality is on a pony. I usually look for boob size but there are none.” he said.
“Personality?” Twilight suggested.
Barney chuckled and patted Twilight on the head “Very funny.” he said causing Twilight to bang her head against the table.
Barney spotted a gray mare that was sitting at the counter “Alright screw it, I'm going in.” he said before leaving the booth. Twilight wasn't sure if she was suppose to follow or not so she decided to watch from the booth.
He walked up behind the blonde maned pony and tapped her on the shoulder “Hey, how would you li-ah” he said with a startle when the pony turned around and looked at him with her crossed eyes. Barney cringed and started backing away from her “Yikes.” he said.
When he returned to Twilight, she gave him an angry look “You probably hurt poor Derpy's feelings.” she scolded.
“Good, 'cause she hurt my erection.” he said.
Twilight raised a hoof to slap him again but stopped and lowered it “Why am I here?” she asked herself.
Barney put his arm around her neck “You're right Twilight! It's time for you to show off your wingpony skills!” he said.
Barney quickly explained his plan to her before scanning the room again “Now the only thing is to find the right prey. We need somebody alone, sad, with self esteem problems.” he said then his eyes landed on a yellow pegasus with a pink mane “Perfect.” he said with a smile.
Twilight saw who he was pointing at and gasped “No, not her! That's my friend Fluttershy. She's very shy.” she said.
Barney rubbed his chin in thought “So what you're saying is...a possible three some?” he said.
Twilight looked extremely unamused “Don't make me slap you again.” she said.
Barney held his hands up defensively “It was only a suggestion jeez. Anyway, try to remember your lines.” he said before getting up and walking towards Fluttershy. Twilight tried to stop him but it was futile.
Barney sat down across Fluttershy in her booth “Hey, Barney Stinson. How are you?” he asked as he held his hand out.
Fluttershy hid behind her mane the best she could but reached out to shake his hand because she didn't want to be rude. As soon as she shook his hand, he grabbed his shoulder and grunted in pain. Fluttershy gasped and pulled her hoof back quickly “Oh, did I hurt you? I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.” she said.
Barney shook his head “No it wasn't you. I hurt myself earlier when I pushed a mare out of the way of a speeding car.” he said.
Fluttershy tilted her head in confusion “What's a car?” she asked.
“I meant carriage.” he said. Fluttershy nodded in understanding. Barney then pointed past her “I think that's her actually.” he said.
Fluttershy turned to see that he was pointing at Twilight. Twilight then walked over to them. Fluttershy looked worried “Did Mr. Stinson really save you from a speeding carriage?” she asked.
Twilight answered in a bored tone “Oh yes, he was so strong and brave. As he carried me in his arms I could feel his rippling muscles and humongous d-barney I can't bring myself to say that.” she complained.
Barney get up and led Twilight away from the booth and the very confused Fluttershy “Alright, maybe you're not the best actor. That's fine, I've worked with worse. For this next play all you have to do is stand there.” he said.
Twilight was about to speak but Barney already left. He walked up to the school teacher Cheerilee as she was about to take a sip of her cider “Wait! Don't drink that!” he said he stopped her.
Cheerilee put the drink down as fast as she could “What? Why not?” she asked.
“I saw somepony put something in there when you weren't looking.” he said.
Cheerilee leaned away from the drink slightly “Really? Who was it?” she asked.
Barney turned and pointed at Twilight “It was her.” he said.
Twilight's eyes widened and she ran up to them “Barney! You can't just say something like that!” she said. She then turned to Cheerilee “Sorry about him. He was joking, enjoy your drink.” she said as she pulled Barney away. Cheerilee stared back down at her drink. She pushed it away from her body and ordered a fresh one.
Twilight brought Barney back to their booth and glared at him “Why do all of your plays involve lying!” she said.
Barney raised a finger “Fun fact. Ninety percent of what everyone says is a lie.” he said.
“Is that a statistic about the general public or just you.” she said.
Barney returned his gaze to the room full of ponies “This would be a lot easier if these ponies were drunk.” he said. He then smiled when he saw a certain pony. She was wobbly, she was slurring her speech, she was perfect. He was looking at Berry Punch.
Barney gave Twilight a glance “Watch a master at work. Take notes. This will be on the test.” he said before getting up.
He walked over to the drunk mare “Excuse me, that drink you've been drinking was poisoned.” he said.
Berry raised an eyebrow. She then took another sip of the drink “Doesn't taste poison to me.” she said.
“Trust me, I'm a toxicologist. You have maybe a hour to live.” he said.
Berry gasped “Is there a cure?” she asked.
Barney looked worried “There is but...” he paused “Never mind, you probably don't want it.” he said.
Berry gave him a pleading expression “No, I want it I do. Just tell me what it is.” she begged.
Barney looked like he was debating whether to tell her or not “Alright, it will need to be injected vaginally....and maybe orally, we'll see how I feel.” he said.
Berry lit up “Great, let's go to my place.” she said as she got up and started stumbling to the exit.
Barney made a quick stop at Twilight's booth “It. Is. on.” he said before following after Berry Punch. Twilight just sat there with her mouth hanging open in shock.
Barney sat in his usually booth with his friends Ted, Robin, Marshall, and Lilly “And it was legendary.” he said while raising his glass.
His friends just stared at him after hearing his story. Ted spoke up first “So the whole point of the story was that you slept with a pony?” he asked in disgust.
Barney nodded “Yeah, from another world.” he said.
Marshall chuckled “They were horsing around...right?” he said. No one laughed and Marshall hung his head.
Lilly shook her head “Out of all of your made up stories, this is definitely the strangest.” she said.
Barney looked offended “I have never made up a story. This really happened.” he said.
Ted looked grossed out “Why would you want us to believe you had sex with an animal?” he asked.
Barney gave them a look like it was obvious “Because it's legendary, right?” he asked.
Ted shook his head. Robin took a sip from her beer “Pretty gross dude.” she said.
Barney looked to Lilly “Bestiality is probably the furthest from legendary you could get.” she said.
Barney cleared his throat “Then it's a good thing I made it all up.” he said nervously. He held his drink up “Here's to not having sex with animals.” he said.
Ted raised his drink as well “I'll drink to that.” he said.
And that kids, is the story if how Barney became a father...I'm kidding.
Author's Note
-dary! legendary!