As Anon and Javelin made their way back toward the castle, the former walked with a definitive bounce in his step, and a gleeful smile still plastered on his face. Javelin eyed him with a smirk before playfully rolling his eyes and slugging him in the thigh.

"You keep smiling like that, and your face is bound to stay that way." The stallion chuckled.

"I know, I just can't stop smiling. She kissed me, dude! Sunshine actually kissed me! I can't believe it! This is the best day I've had in a long time." Anon beamed.

"I'm happy for you. Sounds like she's really serious too. She's even skipping estrus with you, that's how you know she wants it to be special." Javelin replied, knowingly.

"What do you mean?" Anon inquired.

"Bro, she's choosing to spend estrus away from you so that she doesn't just jump your bones when she's in heat. Mares only do that when they want their first time with you to be special, not some lust-driven sex frenzy that they barely remember afterwards." Javelin explained.

"Really?" Anon looked surprised.

"Yeah, dude. Trust me, the last mare I was with did that. It's pretty well known." Javelin shrugged.

Anon paused in his step, allowing Javelin to walk a few more feet ahead before stopping as well.

"Uh, you alright?" Javelin asked, looking up to Anon quizzically.

Anon slowly nodded his head, "Y-yeah... I just got to thinking... Hey, can I ask you a totally not gay question?"

Javelin cautiously raised one eyebrow, "What?"

"Well you got me thinking... and I need to ask you a question that's kinda sorta gay, but not really since it's for a good cause." Anon explained.

Javelin simply held the same expression, "What question exactly are you asking, here?" He asked, suspiciously.

"Well... about how long are... well, you know... for a normal stallion... about how long is the, uh... you know, the thing?" Anon managed, gesticulating wildly with his hands while also averting his gaze from the stallion standing in front of him.

Javelin looked at Anon as if he was suddenly speaking a different language, "What? What thing?"

Anon bit his lip, "You know... your bits. Are they like...." Anon held his hands about six inches apart, "-this-ish long?" He asked.

Javelin's jaw dropped slightly, "Are you asking for the length of the average stallion's... package?" He responded, slowly.

Anon sheepishly scratched the back of his neck, "Well... kinda... yes?" He replied.

"And why in Equestria do you want to know that all of a sudden?" Javelin questioned.

Anon sighed heavily, "Come on, dude. You know why. Stop making this even harder to ask than it already is."

Javelin shook his head, "Anon, if you're worried about being able to please a mare-" He began, before Anon cut him off.

"I know what to do, dammit! Just give me a ballpark here. Human pussy is a hell of a lot different than pony pussy, so what's big for a human girl might not be much for a mare, or hell, it could even be the other way around. I don't know, I didn't get any anatomy lessons yet." Anon exclaimed, some clear frustration boiling over in his voice.

Javelin held up his forelegs placatingly, "Alright, alright, calm down. I was just busting your balls a bit. It's about how you had your hands spaced out before. You were in the ballpark." He chuckled.

Anon breathed a deep sigh of relief, "Oh thank god. Don't do that to me man. I actually really care about Sunshine and Nightshade. I want to make sure that if and when that time comes, they're not gonna be like 'oh my god! what is that!?', you know?"

Javelin snickered, "I'm sensing some insecurities coming out all of a sudden."

Anon frowned, "Of course I have insecurities! Bro I don't know what I'm competing against here! The horses back home had like, a minimum of three feet of dick. I didn't know if that was going to be the norm here too!" He exclaimed, "And before you even ask, no, I did not go and look for the sake of looking. When there's over a dozen of them on the farm you're at for a week straight, you're gonna see something eventually."

Javelin tilted his head to the side, "Three feet? How big is that?"

Anon held his hands about a yard apart, "It's like, this big."

Javelin's eyes widened some as he recoiled back slightly, "Celestia, that's like, five hooves! I can't even imagine all that. It sounds like it'd just get in the way." He replied.

"Exactly! I just wanted to be sure that I wasn't going to have to compete against that. Thank you for making it as weird as you could." Anon crossed his arms with a huff.

Javelin sighed dramatically, "Oh, alright, alright. I see that I've pushed you too far. Sounds like there's only one way for me to make it up to you." He explained, a playful smirk quickly appearing on his muzzle.

"You're buying tonight." Anon declared.

"Aye, fair enough. I shalt pay this penance, post haste." Javelin laughed.

Anon tried and failed to suppress a snicker before laughing alongside the guardspony, "Where do you wanna head to tonight, you dick."

Javelin chuckled, "I heard that trailblazers was gonna be doing a two for one special tonight. We can head down there again." He offered.

"Sounds good to me. Let's just actually go check in with Luna and Celestia first this time. Now that I'm on their good side, I'd rather stay there." Anon replied, starting toward the castle once more.

"Eh, to be honest, they like you so much now, that you could probably get away with it, if you really wanted to." Javelin shrugged as he walked alongside Anon.

Anon looked down at Javelin and raised an eyebrow, "You know, you're a terrible influence on me. Aren't you supposed to be my babysitter? Making sure I do the right thing and all? Yet here you are telling me to do the opposite." He teased.

"I was merely testing you. Congrats, you passed. Let's go drink to celebrate." Javelin grinned.

Anon rolled his eyes as the duo continued on toward the castle, sharing another laugh along the way.

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Later That Night

Anon and Javelin walked and talked their way down the road to the bar as the last of the sun's light faded from view. The latter noticeably missing his armor and helmet. They both walked with a happy bounce in their step as they passed through the emptying streets of Canterlot's middle district.

"Well Luna was more okay with that than I was expecting her to be. Especially since Dusk and Echo weren't awake yet. Not sure where Celestia was though." Anon offhandedly mentioned as he passed by a stand, the owner quickly packing her belongings to head home for the evening.

"Eh, she's probably had a long day. You know how her schedule gets. Plus Dusk and Echo will be up in about an hour. I guess she just figured we wouldn't be able to get into that much trouble before they got to the bar. Why wouldn't Luna be okay with you going out with your best pal though? You've been on your best behavior lately." Javelin teased.

"I mean, I think I've been pretty good, all things considered. Still though, I feel like I've gone out every single chance I've had to get shitfaced, and I feel like... well, I dunno. Maybe Celestia and Luna should come with us just to chill or something? I mean, I feel like they definitely work hard enough." Anon suggested, offering a small shrug.

Javelin raised an eyebrow, "Yeah, well the only problem with that plan is that you're going to have ponies all up and down the whole district scrambling over each other to come see the princesses get drunk at a bar with you. Can't see how that might sour the mood just a tad, or maybe their reputations too." He rebutted.

Anon sighed, "I know, I know. It's just... well I've been spending so much time with Sunshine and Nightshade lately... and I can't help but feel like Celestia and Luna are getting a bit... I don't know, jealous? If that's even possible." He replied.

Javelin's eyebrow remained raised, "Celestia and Luna. The royal princesses of Equestria and most powerful beings in our history. Alicorns who are already in a relationship, are jealous? Of you and your marefriends that you've known for a few weeks?" He surmised, with copious amounts of sass.

Anon gave Javelin a deadpan expression, "Okay, first of all, fuck off. Secondly, I don't fucking know, dude. I mean, they've been wanting to spend actual time with me lately. Like, a lot. And they've been way more affectionate with me too. Plus you've seen how weird Celestia gets whenever I mention Sunshine." He reasoned.

Javelin's eyebrow finally sunk back down to its normal level as he pursed his lips in thought, "You know what, that is a fair point... but that doesn't mean she's jealous. I mean, Sunshine is basically her great great great step granddaughter. Maybe she's just a bit weirded out by the fact that she picked you for this arrangement, and then you go and hook up with her relative." He suggested, offering the slightest of shrugs.

Anon shook his head, "I don't know. Maybe? Those last few 'dates' felt pretty damn close to real though. Especially the one with Luna. She let me hug her and she even snuggled up onto my lap and let me rub my cheek against her mane. Good god it was so soft. I want to hug her again so fuckin' bad." He grumbled.

"Wait, wait, wait. Hold on," Javelin waved his hooves around frantically as he sat on his haunches, "Luna let you hug her and nuzzle your face against her mane?" He asked, incredulously.

Anon nodded, "Yeah. Why?"

Javelin's jaw dropped, "Bro... I think you might actually be right about Luna, then."

Anon did a double take, "What? Why are you so sure of that all of a sudden?" He questioned.

"Dude, Luna hasn't let a stallion touch her in centuries. Even before her banishment, she was almost exclusively into mares. There's only two stallions ever recorded to be her mates. So for her to let you get that up close and personal... she might just be changing her mind about you." Javelin explained.

Anon pursed his lips as Javelin got back to his hooves and the pair resumed walking, "I don't know man... Are you sure? She told me where to not touch her, like her wings, horn, and chest. I feel like she wanted to keep some boundaries." He offered.

Javelin rolled his eyes, "Bro, did Sunshine or Nightshade just throw themselves at you the first time you met them?" Anon shook his head, "Well there you go. Just because she's interested, doesn't mean she's going to just throw herself at you the first chance she gets. Especially since she's known pretty much all over Equestria as a lesbian."

Anon rolled his tongue in his mouth, "I... guess you've got a point. I'm not so sure man. Even if Luna did suddenly have feelings for me, her and Nightshade don't exactly have the best relationship, at least, that's what Nightshade told me. Plus, I don't think I could deal with three mares at the same time. I'm already struggling to deal with just the idea of two. Speaking of which, I still need to get Nightshade a present. We didn't have time to do that earlier." He replied.

"We'll get Nightshade something tomorrow. Don't worry about it. What's wrong with dating two mares though? That's actually a manageable amount to deal with." Javelin shrugged.

Anon sighed, "Well, it's just not really... normal for humans. We're pretty much entirely a monogamous species. Choosing to date two different girls at the same time just sounds so... alien to me." He admitted.

"Well you've been handling it exceptionally well, if the date with Sunshine today was anything to go off of." Javelin offered.

Anon chuckled, "Yeah, that was a great date. Well thanks, bud. Still though, it feels strange. Almost like I'm not supposed to be seeing Nightshade while I'm seeing Sunshine, and vice versa." He elaborated.

Javelin pursed his lips in thought, "Well... I guess that does make sense. Some ponies like to keep their relationships to just two, but not really for that reason. It's more of a... 'we can only support each other right now, not an entire herd' kind of deal." He replied.

Anon shrugged, "I get that. Still just getting used to the idea, I guess. I mean... it kinda is a bit of a fantasy for me. Having two adorably gorgeous girls that I can call my girlfriends, but it always seemed so selfish at the same time. Like, I don't want another stallion in our little group, so how is that fair to the girls?" He contemplated, looking up only to see the bar quickly approaching.

"Ponies don't look at it like that at all. Mares usually end up joining a herd by finding another mare that's already with a stallion." Javelin shook his head.

"They just go looking for a relationship to join?" Anon inquired as he and Javelin reached the front door of the bar.

"Yeah. It's a bit of a process to explain. I'll tell you when we've got drinks to keep us company." Javelin smirked.

Anon half rolled his eyes as he followed the stallion in. Once inside, the hostess quickly seated them at the bar, where the bartender swiftly served them a shot of Spirit each, upon request .

"Damn, this place is fast as hell tonight." Anon mentioned as he downed his drink.

"Yeah, no kidding. Even last time when we were here and it was just the two of us and Sunshine, they weren't this fast." Javelin replied, before also downing his drink.

The bartender instantly noticed the now empty shots and approached the pair.

"Can I get you colts anything else?" She asked, a friendly smile on her face.

"Yeah, can I open a tab for more of these?" Anon asked, holding up the shot glass.

"You certainly can, sir. I'll get you two more." She cheerily answered, before magicking over the bottle and two more shot glasses.

Javelin eyed the drinks as they were placed in front of him and Anon, warily. He slowly looked over to Anon with a small chuckle.

"If I remember right, I was supposed to buy you drinks tonight." He said.

Anon laughed, "True, you do owe me drinks, but to be honest, I kinda owe you too." He admitted, picking up his shot in his hand.

Javelin looked to Anon curiously, "What are you talking about?"

"Just... for being my friend. Pretty sure I would've lost my mind if you hadn't shown up in my life when you did, basically forcing me to go out day drinking with you." Anon smirked.

Javelin looked down to his drink, and then back up to Anon. He hesitated for a moment before picking up his drink with his magic and clinking the glass against Anon's.

"Just because we're friends doesn't mean you get to go all sappy on me." He replied, offering a smirk.

Anon chuckled, "Had to get it out. Just this one and then I'm done."

They shared a laugh before downing their drinks and returning their attention to the conversation at hand.

"For real though, thanks, Anon. That really does mean a lot to me." Javelin offered a sincere smile.

Anon wrapped his arm around Javelin and pulled him into a one armed hug, "Anytime, bud."

Once they separated and returned their attention to the incoming drinks, the conversation quickly turned to a drinking competition.

"That's five. Bet you can't get ten of these down." Anon challenged after finishing his fifth shot.

"Honestly, maybe. I'll bet you can't drink fifteen." Javelin returned, a cocky smirk on his face.

Anon paled slightly, "W-well... I mean... fifteen is a little much, don'tcha think?" He asked, much to Javelin's amusement.

While they were focused on their drinks and challenge, the pair did not notice the group of stallions as they entered the bar behind them. The leader of the group quickly walked up behind Anon and cleared his throat to get the man's attention. It didn't work. He tried again, slightly louder this time, but yet again, Anon simply didn't hear or just ignored the stallion behind him.

"Oh for the love of-" The stallion muttered, before using his magic to forcefully spin Anon's stool around, startling the man into almost falling off of his chair in the process.

"Whoa, what the fuck!?" Anon exclaimed as he fought to regain his balance.

"What gives?" Javelin asked as he turned around on his stool as well.

Standing before them, was a group of ten stallions, each with stylishly done manes and tails. They weren't wearing any clothing, but their appearance and posture easily identified them as Canterlot nobles. Standing at the front of the group, was a butterscotch stallion with a finely trimmed mustache, and a rust colored mane.

"You look kinda familiar." Anon mentioned as he looked the leader over.

"That is because I am the reason a barbarian like you is being allowed to run amuck in our great city and claim to be the royal consort. A position and title that you have absolutely no business presiding over." The stallion seethed.

Anon stared down at the clearly angry pony for a few moments as he thought over his words. After nearly a minute of silence, and several awkward glances among the crowd of stallions, Anon snapped his fingers.

"Comet Ray! That's who you are! I remember now." Anon exclaimed, clearly proud of himself for remembering a name.

"It's Comet Star!" The stallion growled through grit teeth.

"Eh, close enough. Why're you here?" Anon asked, shrugging.

"I- Are you serious? First you steal a stallion's rightful wives, and then you have the audacity to not even remember them!" Comet Star shouted.

"Rightful wives? What are you talking about? Celestia could have chosen any one of the stallions in that room." Anon replied.

"She was going to choose me! By all rights, I was the only logical choice for her in the first place. I specifically chose the stallions present for that very reason." Comet Star replied, stomping his hoof onto the ground for emphasis.

Anon and Javelin shared a look, "You... you do realize that you're basically admitting to trying to trap Celestia into picking you... right?" Anon asked, noticing Javelin's horn quietly ignite in a very dull blue light, almost imperceptibly.

"It doesn't matter. Once we're through with you, you won't be able to tell anypony anyways," Comet Star bitterly asserted, before turning to his posse behind him, "Get them both."

Just as the first stallion stepped forward, Javelin jumped down from his stool, the spell he'd been quietly casting the whole time, now glowing white hot as the ethereal bolts of energy appeared behind him. Without a word, he fired a bolt forward, knocking the first stallion off of his hooves and sailing across the bar, where he crashed into one of the tables on the other side of the room.

The group watched their comrade sail through the air in shock, only to visibly cringe as he broke the table upon landing. Any bystanders in the room immediately fled, leaving the group of nobles, Anon, and Javelin alone.

Javelin fired another bolt of energy before the group could return their attention to him, sending another stallion flying across the bar and into the wall. Just as he fired another shot, the stallion in front of him magicked a shield to block his attack. The wall of magenta energy stopped the bolt in its tracks, although several visible cracks appeared on the surface.

Javelin went to fire another shot, but found his attack interrupted by an Earth pony noble as he charged into the guard, slamming his wither into Javelin's chest. The unicorn guard was quite easily knocked back several feet, but managed to stay on his hooves as the breath was forced from his lungs. Before Javelin could react and counter the much stronger Earth pony's second charge, Anon grabbed a mug from the bar and slammed it over the charging stallion's head, knocking him unconscious, instantly.

Anon quickly vaulted over the bar before one of the other stallions could grab him and grabbed the first thing he could find, which just happened to be a spray nozzle connected to a soda dispenser. As a pegasus stallion flew over the bar to tackle him, Anon sprayed the carbonated sugar right into the pony's eyes, blinding him.

"My eyes!" The stallion cried, before flying right past Anon and into the wall behind the bar, knocking himself out cold.

Anon looked at the unconscious pegasus and shrugged before returning his attention to the remaining six ponies. They returned a look of fury and gnashing teeth at both Anon and Javelin as the stallion guard charged up more bolts of energy.

"Boys," Comet Star muttered through grit teeth, "Get them."

Instantly, the other five ponies charged the man and guard. Anon and Javelin both responded by firing a volley of energy and carbonated soda at the quickly approaching stallions. A wall of golden magic blocked all of their attacks, prompting both Anon and Javelin to frown in agitation at Golden Star as his horn glowed from the back of the group.

"Hey, that's cheating!' Anon cried out as one of the stallion's leapt over the counter and tackled him into the wall.

Javelin frantically looked over to his friend as the man was knocked back into the wooden wall with a loud *thud*.

"Anon!" He cried, before deftly ducking under the hooves of the first stallion approaching him.

Javelin swiftly lunged under the stallion, while kicking his hind legs out and connecting with the pony's jaw as he looked down at him. The stallion instantly lost his balance and tripped over his forelegs, toppling over himself not a moment later. Next, Javelin's horn flashed a brilliant and bright white light, blinding the three stallions in front of him.

In the moment that they were distracted, Javelin charged three more bolts of energy, blowing away all three stallions in front of him with ease. Now sweating heavily, Javelin turned to the bar and moved to leap over the counter to the sounds of Anon struggling with the other pony, however just as he jumped into the air, a magic ceiling appeared over his head, halting his progress instantly as he slammed his head into the forcefield.

Javelin fell to the floor with a grunt of pain, before turning his attention to Comet Star. He charged his horn to fire another bolt of magic, but just before he could complete the spell, a hoof savagely beat the back of his head, stunning him for a moment and making his vision fuzzy. As Javelin stumbled from the surprise attack, the stallion stepped up alongside him and prepared to buck him right into the wall to his right.

Javelin saw the attack coming, and ducked to the floor just as the stallion kicked his hindlegs out. While he was on the floor, Javelin rolled onto his back and punched the stallion in the gut with his foreleg. The stallion collapsed from the strain right on top of Javelin, only for the guardstallion to teleport himself to a standing position right next to the Earth pony.

Now sweating and panting profusely, Javelin turned and kicked one hindleg out, knocking the stallion out with ease. With that finally taken care of, Javelin returned his attention to Comet Star, only to receive a hoof straight to the face. Javelin was knocked off of his hooves and to the floor, his world spinning, and ears ringing as he tried, in vain, to get back up to his hooves. He managed to slowly look up to see Comet Star smirk as he walked over to the bar, his horn already glowing with malicious intent.

"A...non." Javelin groaned, his vision returning slowly, although the ringing in his ears dulled even slower.

A moment passed with only the dull ringing as the guard struggled to get to his hooves, his sense of duty and friendship urging him on when his body was struggling just to stand. Only once he was finally standing again, and able to look up to the counter of the bar, did he see a sight that made his jaw drop.

Comet Star and his accomplice were both unconscious, their bodies laid out on the counter as Anon stood, proudly holding a heavily dented frying pan in one hand.

"Nobody saves this damsel, except me." He announced, stoically.

Before Javelin could laugh at the absurdity of the situation, the sounds of hooves galloping into the restaurant finally overpowered the ringing in his ears. Both man and unicorn looked to the doorway as a dozen more stallions rushed into the room, all of them looking much like the nobles they'd just dispatched.

Anon and Javelin shared a quick look.

"Looks like they got reinforcements." Anon surmised, gripping his frying pan tighter.

"Good. I need to take some anger out." Javelin replied, his horn glowing white hot once more.

The stallions charged, while Anon and Javelin did the same.

Author's Note

Okay, I'll be honest, this has got to be one of the silliest and most entertaining chapters I've written. I hope you guys enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.