The Princess's Manual to Terrible Parenting

by TittySparkles

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Flurry Heart, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Shining Armor
Length: 4146

Dartboards, miniature kaijus, and babies causing havoc. In other words, Tuesday.

There were many things Shining Armor was expecting when he got home from visiting Twilight. Seeing his daughter getting thrown out his bedroom wasn't one of them.
Things only escalate from there.

Preread by: Skeeter The Lurker
Cover art by: Glacierclear

My submission for the Cadance is a terrible mother contest

Published 2021-04-18 17:10:04 UTC
Last updated 2021-04-18 17:10:04 UTC

In which Cadance shows she's a perfectly (in)sane parent.

Shining Armor trotted along the halls of the castle, both body and mind tired from the long day’s worth of activities now behind him. Memories of hanging out with his sister constantly played out, thanks to it being the newly dawned annual Crystal Empire Fair. It was a new celebration he and Cadance came up with, in order for the nation's townsfolk to celebrate their old heritage and it was also a learning opportunity for both Shining and Twilight to spend time together while Cadance stayed at the castle and with Flurry Heart.

With the long day over with, Shining was happy he could return home and rest for the remainder of the evening. Turning the last corner in the hallway, he smiled as the sight of his large bedroom doors came into focus and hastening his steps, he looked forward to seeing how Cadance coped with handling Flurry for the first time without him around.

*Thonk!*

A loud noise came from up ahead, causing Shining to stop for a moment and wonder what the sound was. Whatever it was, it sounded like something was thrown right at the doors themselves.

“Wooooo!” A muffled yell came from behind the doors ahead of him. “We hit nineteen, Flurry! Once we hit twenty, we win!”

Cocking a brow, Shining instantly recognized Cadance’s voice and wondered why she was shouting so loudly. Listening further as he began to walk again, Shining could hear muffled baby laughter coming from right behind the doors.

“Are you ready to hit twenty, sweetie!?”

Pausing for a few seconds, Shining could only smile and picture what Cadance was doing with Flurry. From the sound of Cadance’s voice and Flurry's laughter, there was no doubt in his mind that the baby was well behaved for her and they were having fun playing together. Growing more interested, Shining reached up and pushed one door open.

A second later something pink flew at Shining’s face and reactively ducking, he didn’t notice what it was initially.

“Who the hell opened the do- Oh my gosh, Shining catch her!” Cadance screamed at him.

“Catch who?” Shining asked as he stood back up and began to look over his shoulder.

“The baby you idiot!” Cadance shouted back.

Hearing that it was his daughter that flew past him, Shining's parental instincts kicked in. Quickly he flared up his horn and caught the flying baby just before she fell out of his range. Bringing her back into his waiting hooves, all Flurry did was smile and laugh in return, whilst her little hooves reached out to him for a hug. Giving her a worried smile, Shining floated her to his back and she clung onto his broad neck.

“You know you could have knocked before you entered right?” Cadance spoke to him as he started to turn around and face her.

“Why would I knock on our own do-” Shining started to speak, but found himself unable to continue on.

As his wife came into focus, Shining went silent and blinked multiple times in order to gauge what he was seeing. Cadance’s eyes were bloodshot and her left eye was constantly twitching, showing she was under a great deal of stress. A forced smile was plastered across her face, giving her an almost insane expression; a far cry from her usual calm and regal mannerisms. To top it all off, her mane looked like someone emptied a full bottle of glue, a box of crayons, and pink bows into it.

“What happened to you?” Shining asked warily.

“The baby happened!” Cadance spoke loudly, her expression cringing and forcing her smile to widen even more. “It was a very interesting learning experience that I wished you could have been a part of, hah hah, HAH!”

“I’m almost scared to find out more,” Shining answered quietly, his eyes scanning his wife over and over.

“Why!? Why should you be scared?” Cadance advanced towards him, putting her face directly into his. “It’s not like the baby cried for two hours nonstop while I curled up into a ball and cried, or how I thought letting her play with my mane would shut her up, only for her to grab stuff from the arts and crafts desk and glue a bunch of stuff onto my mane! Oh! And my personal favorite part of the learning experience was when I accidentally flushed her Whammy down the toilet!”

“You did what now? Shining asked, rather surprised to hear that Cadance lost Flurry’s Whammy, yet Flurry herself wasn’t screaming for it.

“Yeah, sounds stupid doesn’t it!? Silly little me tried to punish Flurry!” Cadance pressed her face even harder against Shining, causing him to sulk towards the floor. “I thought locking Whammy in the bathroom because Flurry put glue in my mane was a good idea! My idea could have been perfect, until I accidentally flushed the stupid thing down the toilet!”

“How do you accidentally flush a stuffed animal down the toilet? And what made you think taking her Whammy away was a smart idea in the first place!?” Shining found his own voice starting to rise against Cadance’s own.

“Oh it’s simple really; I had the sink counter covered in make-up and other stuff so I put the toy on the rim of the toilet for a quick second, only for it to fall in when I looked away. Before I could grab it, the damn toilet flushed on it’s own, thanks to that silly automated system I commissioned for it!” Cadance’s eyes twitched further as she pulled away and looked in the direction of the bathroom. “Now I got a plumber in the washroom trying to fish the toy out of the pipes!”

“Okay but why did you take her Whammy away in the first place?” It’s the only toy that calms her down.” Shining asked again before returning to a standing position.

“Oh trust me, I remembered that after she started screaming non-stop! Did I mention she screamed for two hours? TWO HOURS!! Two hours because I was stupid and flushed her Whammy away!”

“So how did you quiet her down?”

“Why I’m glad you asked, dear.” Cadance’s voice got low as her head snapped back to him. “I threw her against the dartboard on the door.”

“You what!?” Shining eyes went wide.

“I threw her against the dartboard and she liked it, Shining!” Cadance told him with a creepily growing grin. “After spending the last few hours hearing her cry endlessly, I gave up on life and started throwing your darts at the dartboard to try and distract myself, and after a few seconds, I noticed she stopped crying and watched me quietly.”

Looking over his shoulders, Shining was greeted by his smiling daughter, but focusing on the dartboard behind her, he noticed a few darts were actually lodged in the doors themselves. Considering those doors were solid oak, Cadance must have thrown the darts with extreme force behind them.

“She was having so much fun watching and looked like she wanted to play with me, so I decided to try out a new game!” Cadance went on further as she grabbed the baby with her own magic and lifted Flurry off Shining’s back.

“What game?” Shining asked, his voice filling with dread.

“It’s called Flying Around The World! Hey Flurry, are you ready to hit twenty and reach the top of the world!?” Cadance’s eyes snapped to Flurry.

Flurry replied excitedly as she flailed her hooves at her mother.

Before Shining could react to what was happening, Cadance floated Flurry horizontally in the air and threw her at the door.

“Cadance, are you nuts!?” Shining screamed as he turned to Flurry and tried to flare up his horn to catch her.

Unfortunately Shining was too slow and as a loud thonk echoed throughout the room, he could only stare in shock as his daughter was now stuck horn first in the dartboard.

“Woooooooooo!!” Cadance howled as she hoof bumped the air. “We did it, Flurry! We hit twenty and won the game!”

Staring on in horror, Shining watched his daughter laugh in return.

“Are you crazy!? Do you honestly think throwing our baby at a dartboard is healthy in any sort of way!?” Shining snapped, gritting his teeth and looking back to Cadance with a harsh glare.

“Oh calm down, I put a nullify impact spell on her,” Cadance quieted herself down and waved him off. “I could drop her from the top of the castle towards the ground and she wouldn’t get a scratch on her.”

Shining just cringed at the morbid idea and instead turned his attention back at Flurry. Focusing his eyes, he saw a barely noticeable and translucent magical barrier around Flurry Heart that he failed to notice before.

“Did you honestly think I was a bad parent and didn’t think this far ahead?” Cadance asked.

“At this present moment, yes, and I'm very sure that this 'game' is not healthy in any sort of way!" Shining answered back as he refocused himself and started to pull Flurry from the dartboard with his magic.

“How is this not healthy!?” Cadance snapped at him as she beat Shining to the punch and pulled Flurry away with her magic. “She’s having fun, and I'm having fun. She’s not crying and I'm not crying! We are having fun, Shining!”

Shining looked on in shock, watching the left corner of Cadance’s crooked smile twitched rapidly.

“And we are going to continue to have fun!” Cadance said further as she started to aim Flurry at the dartboard again. “Ready to go to the center of the world, sweetheart!?”

“Cadance, don’t!”

The baby laughed again and Cadance got ready to throw her. This time Shining was going to step in and grab her, but everything came to a grinding halt as the bathroom door opened up. All three ponies turned their attention to a lanky, brown crystal pony who was adorned in a green - and rather grimy - jumpsuit.

“I got your stuffed toy out, your majes… did I interrupt something?” The crystal pony spoke in an annoyed but heavy tone, before he stopped and took in the freeze frame sight of Flurry Heart being balanced on Cadance’s front hoof, while Shining himself was standing on his hindlegs and reaching for the baby.

“Whammy!” Flurry squealed loudly as she broke from Cadance’s magical grasp, before flying to the toy that was resting in the stallion's hoof.

“Oh thank god,” Shining sighed deeply as he returned to a proper standing position.

“Oh no,” Cadance spoke quietly, causing Shining to instantly worry in return.

Looking up to see what the problem was, Shining grew horrified as he noticed Flurry was now sitting on the floor, hugging her snail doll closely. Unfortunately, being stuck in the water pipe has damaged the toy greatly. It was waterlogged beyond repair, the head of the toy was nearly severed off, and the shell was missing half of itself. What truly caught Shining’s attention was the tear filled eyes of his daughter and the trembling of her lips as she looked back at him and Cadance with growing despair.

“No no no no no nooooo,” Cadance muttered out, shaking her head with wide eyes. “She’s going to start crying again!”

In the next instance, Cadance slammed her hooves against her ears to block out the sound, and just as she did, Flurry started to stammer out something.

“Wah-wah-Whammy!” the baby screamed loudly.

As she screamed, Cadance fell to the floor and curled up, while Shining just cringed and tried to focus on doing a quick spell. The screaming only intensified for a few seconds, before Shining cast his spell and enveloped his daughter in a bubble. The screaming stopped instantly and the room fell silent. Though Flurry was still crying loudly on the inside, Shining knew he wouldn’t have to suffer the same mental decline as his wife did.

“W-why isn’t she crying?” Cadance stuttered out, slowly opening her eyes and seeing her daughter trapped in the sound proof bubble. “What spell is that?”

“Something I learned from Twilight earlier today,” Shining replied as he floated the bubble towards him. “She found an old alteration spell book among Canterlot’s library and shared it with me.”

As Shining talked, he pressed his hoof against the bubble, causing Flurry to slowly wind herself down from crying. Though still teary eyed and sobbing with trembling lips, Flurry looked back at her father with sadness as she stuck her ruined toy out for him to see it.

“Daddy will find a way to fix your Whammy, dear,” Shining spoke, causing a shocked expression to fall on both Cadance’s and Flurry’s face.

“You can talk to her through that as well?” Cadance asked, standing back up again.

“It’s a useful spell to learn by yourself. Sound can go in, but sound can’t go out. It’s the perfect little timeout spell if Flurry ever has a bad day,” Shining told her as he floated Flurry back down to the floor and placed her near a big book.

“Hah, hahah, So there were actually spells capable of silencing her,” Cadance replied in a low tone as she reached up and repeatedly stroked a part of her mane that wasn’t covered in anything. “Who would have thought...”

“Did you even try to find any spells?” Shining asked as he looked around the room and didn’t see any spell books other than the big book that Flurry was now eying with a curious look in her eyes.

“Of course!” Cadance snapped with an evil glare in her face. “I even had both of the guards watch her while I ran to the library!”

“You mean the guards that are usually stationed outside our bedroom?” Shining asked, recalling that he didn’t see any troops stationed outside his door.

“Yeah them! They couldn’t even last ten minutes with her before they dumped the baby off on one of the maids because they couldn’t handle it!” Cadance replied, teeth gritting and her head nearly vibrating. “I only had time to grab one spell book to look through when the maid came barreling in the library with the screaming baby!”

“You mean that book right…” Shining started to speak but quickly noticed a faint golden glow around Flurry’s horn. Flurry was holding the large book open as she scanned the contents of an unknown page.

"Cadance, what kind of spellbook is that?"

"Just a spellbook for ponies fluent in expert-class magic."

"What kind of spells?"

"Why are you asking?"

"Because the baby is about to cast a spell!"

Cadance snapped attention to the baby and just as she did, Flurry pointed her horn at her wrecked toy and fired a spell at it. As the spell connected, the toy began to wrap itself in a dark shroud and violently shake. The force of the spell caused the bubble around Flurry to pop and she fell to the floor, but thankfully brushing it off like it was nothing, Flurry sat up and cheered as she watched her Whammy. Watching in both amazement and horror, both parents saw the toy start to repair itself as the once nearly severed head reattached to its body. As it did, the broken shell started to do the same but ultimately failed to reattach to anything since the broken off bit was still no doubt flushed away forever. Instead of the shell fixing itself, the broken bits around it began to turn jagged and twisted, before they started to appear to grow.

“What spell did she just cast?” Cadance muttered, staring on in a horrified manner as the toy began to grow and take on a much different form.

What was once a harmless toy was now quickly transforming into a large slug-like monster. Razor sharp spines now stuck out from where the shell once was and the toy was growing a set of back legs and a set of sharp claws in the front as well. As the claws and hands finished growing, the former toy started to raise on its back legs. Once it started to reach a standing position, the color in Shining’s face went pale as the underside of the abomination came into focus, and instead of a regular undercarriage, the creature had a face and a long vertical set of razor sharp teeth where it's stomach should have been. Now standing at eight feet tall, both parents knew the fight was about to get ugly.

“Whaaaaaammmmyyyy…” The creature gurgled from his large, gaping mouth as a long tentacle like tongue flailed from within it’s maw and reached for Cadance.

“She just summoned a mimic monster! Kill it with fire!” Cadance screamed as she fired a bolt of magic at the tongue, causing it to slither back into the creature’s mouth.

“Hey, we finally agree on something!” Shining shouted as he flared up his horn and made a shield spell with it. “But before you do that, how about you hit Flurry with a magic disruption spell so she doesn't do that to more toys!?"

As Cadance focused her mind and started up the spell to do so, Flurry heart just sat in place and clapped her hooves together before she fired another bolt of magic at yet another toy. The golden ray of magic hit Flurry’s stuffed monkey doll in the corner of the room and just as it did, Cadance fired a white bolt at Flurry. As it connected, Flurry froze for a moment, before her little horn fizzled for a brief second and then the aura left her completely. Though dazed momentarily from the spell, Flurry just screamed with excitement as the monkey doll started to take a new form as well.

Both parents turned to look at the doll, but they quickly got their action fixated back on the monstrosity in front of them. That same long tongue had returned to fight, but much to their horror, the tongue split itself into four separate serpent-like ones. All four flailed about in mid air wildly, and without warning, one of them rushed Shining. Able to see the attack coming, Shining bounced it backwards before Cadance fired another bolt at it.

"Try to dispel the magic in that thing next!" Shining commanded as he blocked a second tentacle attacking him.

"Give me a distraction so I can charge up a stronger spell for it then!" Cadance ordered back.

"Rarghhhhh!"

Both parents paused for a moment as a new voice came into play. Quickly turning to the source of it, both stared in shock as the monkey toy was now much bigger than before. Unlike the snail monster, the spell that hit the monkey toy didn't grotesquely alter it that much and thankfully it just looked like an angry, twelve foot tall ape, ready to smash something. Nearly hitting the roof with how tall it was, Shining and Cadance watched the monkey lunge itself at the snail creature.

A shocked expression fell on Flurry’s face as she flared her wings and flew to her parents, and the crystal pony that was still near the bathroom ran back into it before slamming it behind him. As Flurry flew to her parents, she landed back on Shining’s neck and held onto it before watching the monsters start to fight.

Instantly tackling the large snail to the floor, the creature lashed out at the overgrown ape with its split tongue. Unfortunately for the creature, the monkey grabbed all four tendrils with one hand and held them together, while it used it’s other arm to hold the snail's body to the ground. The snail monster bellowed out a loud and demonic scream, but the monkey roared twice as loud in return, causing the abomination to panic and squirm his tentacle-like tongue wildly. One of the tendrils managed to free itself and took a swipe at the monkey’s face, only for it to cut its cheek and reveal and both creatures were still made up of their initial stuffed cotton insides.

“That distraction works,” Shining noted as he jumped next to Cadance. “Help me charge up another disruption spell so we can fix both creatures at once will ya?”

Both parents put their horns together and started to charge an in sync spell, hoping it was enough to reverse the monsters back to their normal state. Thankfully it didn’t take them long and as the snail creature started to gain an upper hand and push the monkey away, Cadance and Shining’s spell enveloped the room in a pure white glow, causing both monsters to stop and turn their attention to what was coming. Before they could react, both parents fired the spell, causing both creatures to scream and shrink, until they were normal sized toys again. Once reverted back to their normal sizes, the toys became docile and lifeless once again.

“Well,” Cadance panted loudly, a bit exhausted that she poured so much energy into the spell. “That could have been worse.”

“Yeah, there is nothing worse than letting our two year old filly cast dangerous spells, ” Shining replied in an annoyed manner.

“Oh lay off, will you? Flurry will be fine,” Cadance waved himself as she looked at the baby and noticed it was perfectly calm and happy. “Look, she’s not cryin’ anymore either! BEST, DAY, EVER!” Cadance shouted and she hoof bumped the air some more.

Shining just sighed with annoyance and stared at the two toys on the ground. Though slightly altered by Flurry's magical antics, Flurry’s Whammy now had an open yet jagged shell on it’s back, along with a large stitched line across its midsection where the gaping mouth once was. The head of it was back in place and looking at the monkey toy, all that was altered from it was the new cut on its cheek. Knowing it would be an easy fix with a bit of sowing, Shining relaxed and despite being utterly annoyed with how Cadance acted, he was just happy it was all ov-

The bathroom door opened up, causing all three of them to stare in it. Peering from behind the door a visibly shaken and horrified crystal pony poked his head out, and seeing both toys on the ground, lifeless, he walked for the door.

“At least it wasn’t a giant, overgrown lizard,'' he muttered quietly before running into the hallway.

“What did he just say?” Cadance asked.

“No idea,” Shining noted as he watched the crystal pony for a few seconds, before turning his attention back to Cadance and noticed she still looked just as bad when he first entered the room. “As for you, I suggest you clean yourself up.”

"Yeah I guess I should," Cadance spoke shallowly as she reached up and pawed at a crayon stuck in the end of her mane.

"Try to relax as well because we'll be having a nice long chat later on," Shining added in a stern tone.

Cadance just neighed in response.

Holding back a small chuckle, Shining watched Cadance trot in the direction of the bathroom and once she was in, she slammed the door behind her, leaving both Shining and Flurry alone together in the room. He knew he was going to have a nice long talk with her later on, but for now he wanted to focus on Flurry’s wellbeing.

“Well… that was quite the adventure,” Shining spoke out with a deep sigh. “Now what to do about this mess…”

A loud yawn came from Flurry, and feeling her nuzzle her face into his neck, Shining realized just how exhausted his daughter must have been.

“I can just imagine how tired you are after such an interesting day," Shining said, a yawn escaping his throat as well. “Wanna go for a quick nap my girl?”

The baby groaned into his neck and snuggled herself closer into him and Shining took that as a ‘yes’. Simply smiling in return, he quietly lit up his horn and began to clean up the room, while the baby started to drift off to sleep. As she dozed off, Shining turned his eyes towards the book on the floor. Wondering what kind of spell was cast, he glanced at the title of the book...

Archmage's Spellbook of Summoning; 1st Edition.

Shining paused for a few seconds to take in the sudden realization that his two year old daughter had casted high level spells with no difficulty, causing a small smile crept onto his face.

"Despite summoning two monsters, it is great to see she's inherited the Sparkle family knack for reading and casting high level spells at a young age," Shining spoke as he looked over his shoulder to his sleeping baby. "Daddy's proud of you, my little filly."