it was a struggle to get this to 1k words but i wanted to publish this really bad
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Fire Safety 101: How to Sex Your Kirin (Safely)
it was a struggle to get this to 1k words but i wanted to publish this really bad
Penises!!! Condoms!!! Hot sex!!! Flammable sex! (!?) Firefucking! (!?!?!?!)
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Okay, now that we have your attention, please continue reading for an important public service message by the Canterlot Fire Department, in partnership with the Kirin Association of Equestria.
A recent bout of fire-related accidents among kirin/pony couples in the Canterlot area has prompted us to release this public memorandum, directed to all non-kirin creatures* that are (or plan to) engaging in sexual relations with kirins.
(*If you are a dragon, please read this message in its entirety as well. Just because you’re fire-proof doesn’t mean the stuff around you is.)
Kirin/non-kirin couples should rest assured that fire-related injuries during sexual activity are 100% preventable. Thousands of kirin/non-kirin couples in Equestria live normal, happy lives, and engage in full physical intimacy.
Accidents result from a lack of awareness of the sexual response of kirins, which are remarkably different from ponies or any other creatures.
But don’t you worry. This isn’t going to be one of those boring fire safety classes like you had at school. We are mares and stallions of our word, and we shall deliver on our promise!
We shall talk about sex!
Kirin sex!
We all know that kirins turn into niriks when they’re angry. But few in Equestria realize that kirins also turn into niriks when they’re highly aroused.
This is known as the “aroused nirik form” and is distinct from the “angry nirik form” we Equestrians are more familiar with.
We quote a passage from the (loosely-translated) ancient kirin-land text, Kirin Sutra :
Whence a male kirin doth be aroused, he doth become the nirik of Arousal. The male kirin doth increase eightfold of thine original length and tenfold thine original girth. It doth turn from a pale, shriveled pink to a deep violet to black.
In the female, she doth become the nirik of Arousal as well. A hint of smoke emanates from her Flower, with a smell of smoked animal musk.
The nirik of Arousal hath a black body, engulfed in blue-red flame, but this doth not be flame of Rage, it doth be thine flames of Lust.
Ponies who are dating a kirin are often caught off-guard when their partner first turns into an aroused nirik. Many ponies panic, believing they have angered their partner in some way.
If your kirin significant partner does turn into an aroused nirik, count yourself lucky. It means your partner truly feels a strong connection with you. Although the phenomenon is not well documented in Equestria, anecdotal evidence from ancient kirin documents suggest that fewer than a third of kirin couples ever reach the “aroused nirik state.”
If your kirin partner turns into an aroused nirik and you are unprepared, remember these quick first-response steps:
· Remain calm. If you panic, your partner will panic too.
· Locate the nearest fire exits. This may be a window or an exterior door. Remember that the nearest exit may be behind you.
· Remove any flammable objects (bedsheets, wooden furniture, clothing) from the vicinity of your partner.
· You CAN safely touch the flames of your partner. While it is unsafe to touch the nirik flame of an angry nirik, it is perfectly safe to touch the flames of your partner in aroused nirik form. Even though the flames are in excess of 300C, the flames are magically enchanted such that you will not be scalded.
A common misconception is that the angry nirik form is identical to the aroused nirik form. This is simply not true, and is a dangerous myth that could have potentially devastating consequences. While the two nirik forms are superficially similar, they are fundamentally different.
Under no circumstances should you attempt to arouse your kirin partner by angering them.
Not only does this not work, but it can lead to major property damage. Whole blocks of homes in Canterlot have burned as a result of this practice. Believing that they are “arousing” their kirin partner, ponies continuously insult their partner, without realizing that they are actually incensing them and compelling them to destroy.
(While it is outside our pay grade to discuss relationship dynamics, a wonderful date night can quickly turn south from a barrage of insults. A recent study by the University of Canterlot shows that “attempting to arouse kirin by making them angry” is the leading cause of breakup or divorce among kirin-pony couples.)
Engaging in sexual activity with an aroused nirik is known in local parlance as “firefucking.”
This is how kirins naturally reproduce. In the kirin lands, kirin traditionally have sexual intercourse on rocky outcrops outside their villages, where the risk of wildfire is low. In September, in the outskirts of the kirin lands, you can often see whole fields stretching for miles on end, dotted with the blue flames of copulating niriks.
Two kirins that firefuck in a naturally fire-proof environment (such as an outdoor dirt patch) is completely natural and safe.
So how does one firefuck safely if you are not a kirin?
While it may not be very romantic, you should always discuss fire safety measures with your kirin partner beforehand. You’d be surprised how smoothly the conversation can go—they want you to feel comfortable and safe too!
Remember to discuss the following points with your kirin partner:
· Where are the nearest fire exits? Locate the fire exits in your dwelling unit. Practice crawling towards the exits, with your face to the floor. If there is smoke, remember your view of the exit will be obstructed.
· Always have a easily recognizable safe word! We find that in a moment of passion, statements like “I’m on fire” or “I’m burning hot” can be misunderstood. We recommend using a benign, easy to remember word such as “towel”, or “mushroom.”
· Agree on a safe, fireproof location in your home to retreat to when you start to get “in the mood.” Do not use your bed. Bedsheets will combust. (If you’re travelling abroad, you can use this super easy-to-use app developed by the Kirin Association of Equestria to locate the nearest kirin-safe fireproof hotels nearest you.)
Prepare a spot in your home where you can quickly retreat to when your kirin partner gets aroused.
If you have private outdoor space, we recommend an outdoor dirt patch with no vegetation for at least a 3-meter radius. If you do not have access to private outdoor space, or prefer the privacy of the indoors (we find that many Equestrians do), prepare a room in your dwelling in accordance with the Kirin and Dragon Fire Code Amendment, Section 7B:
· Line the walls and ceiling with fireproof blankets (Fire Grade A or better, at least 5mm thick).
· There must be direct access to the outside (either a window or a door, at least 100cm wide and 60cm tall, located no more than 100cm from the floor but no less than 30cm from the floor).
· Floor area to window area ratio shall not be less than 10%, for adequate ventilation. Ponies cannot tolerate the smoke like kirins can.
· Windows may be tinted for privacy.
· Additional provisions, which are not listed here, can be found in the full document, link here.
The indoor space does not have to be spartan, by any means. This is your space to make love—make the space as cozy as safely possible! Feel free to place a mattress wrapped in a fireproof blanket. Any “toys” made of ceramic or metal can be used. (Just remember that any electronic device must comply with Section 8C of the Kirin/Dragon Fire Code Amendment, and be able to withstand temperatures in excess of 500C.)
Some kirin/pony couples have managed by having sex in metal kilns. Kilns can be purchased secondhand at your local steel refinery or aluminum smelter. Even if purchased secondhand, they are a significant investment (at least 20000 Bits, plus install), and take up a lot of space. Kilns would be ideal if you are in a long-term steady partnership with a kirin, or are married to a kirin.
Condoms! Make sure to use the proper condom when you wear one.
Don’t use polyurethane or latex condoms. Kirin semen will cause the condoms to burn.
Unlike the magically enchanted flame of the aroused nirik, burning latex is not magically enchanted and can cause severe burns.
Be sure to wear fire-proof condoms designed for kirin/dragon use (approved for at least 400C).
Earlier models (such as the Kevlar condoms) have been criticized for their rough texture, but the newer models from KirinXXXLabsTM (sponsored link) are almost as thin as regular latex condoms, and come in a variety of scents that are released when exposed to heat. Popular scents include (and we quote) "Horny Hyssop®", "Bubblegum Bussy®", and "Chestnut Cock®". Prices start at 30 Bits for a pack of 10.
In conclusion
Follow these simple fire-safety measures, and you can rest assured that a fire mishap will not spoil a moment of passion with your kirin significant other.
Thank you for your attention. On behalf of the Canterlot Fire Department, the Kirin Association of Equestria, and all of the kirin race, we wish you...happy April Fools. 
Author's Note
if this story got you hot, i’ll send the fire department over to your house 
This story was published shortly after midnight on April 1, in my local time zone. I always play fair. 
Alternate cover art:
