Violent Thoughts

He shot up from his bed and gripped his head in pain. He just wanted to forget her. They broke up already and yet why is he still thinking of her? Any attempts to blot out those thoughts result in the darkest version of make-believe. All he could think were multiple ways for his demise and to top it all off, he had a nightmare about his ex-lover turning into a beast this night.

Was he cursed forever to be this way? He can't think of anything but misery that would further destroy him. Was he destined to feel this way? He didn't deserve her kindness nor her compassion. He didn't deserve anypony's. He was a monster. He didn't want to be with anypony. All he would do is mess things up.

Would that make him a villain? He read about the different villains that once roamed Equestria and they all had a similarity, they destroy friendship and harmony. He wondered when The Elements are going to come up his doorstep stating that he had to be "vanquished" for the good of all Equestria. He laughed at the grim thought before becoming quiet again.

He didn't feel sleepy at all and so he laid there with all his dark thoughts flying around his mind. His thoughts lingered back to how The Elements would vanquish their foes. They petrify them with the power of friendship. What happened if he was petrified? To forever stand on somepony's garden unable to move for a millennia?

"I bet even the birds would poop on me then nopony will clean me up" The yellow unicorn muttered. "I wonder if somepony will chop my statue in half so that it can fit some tiny door frame like some prized animal. How would that feel like once I'm encased in stone?"

He had no answers for those questions. He thought about it but ultimately left that question to dust. He looked out the window again. It was past midnight and it would be hours before the next day starts. The stallion breathed in deeply before getting out of bed and walking out the front door. He thought of a place to rest or at least clear his mind.

A gentle breeze flew past the unicorn as he walked down the road. It has been weeks since he last visited the lake and days since he last thought about drowning in it. He felt a wave of déjà vu while walking there. Was it because of his thoughts?

On the way to the lake, he heard a whisper calling out to him. He looked around in confusion as he knew that nopony would be up this late at night. Maybe except the librarian turned Princess researching away in her tree house. Whoever was out there whispered again with increasing volume. It was only minutes until he heard a discernable word from the gibberish.

"Guilty! You're guilty!" It shouted. The unicorn held a hoof on his head and cringed. The words cut a deep wound into his heart as he remembered the times he held his ex-lover's hoof and the sinful thoughts that came with it. He tried to force them out of his head until he heard the same voice again.

"You need punishment! Celestia, damnit. Hurt yourself!" It shouted at a higher crescendo. The yellow pony clutched his skull with the other hoof. He fell to the ground because both forelegs couldn't support him anymore. "What are you waiting for?"

He writhed in the road path, punching the solid ground in an attempt to satiate the force that is driving him to self harm. The voice ceased whispering minutes later granting the hallucinating unicorn peace. His hooves were sore and he was teary eyed. The stallion shook himself off, not hearing the voices in his head anymore.

He laid there for a bit, fearing that he would hear them again. When nothing came for a long time he stood up, albeit shakily, and walked forward to the lake. The pony winced at every step. He heard the voice the first time about a day after his break-up. It started out small, like his conscience scolding him for making the wrong decision every day then its intensity ramped up. It was like it's own separate entity in his mind.

Something that was smarter, a force much greater than his own, and most of all correct. It was able to shut him down multiple times per day, rendering him useless and vulnerable. It loved to replay memories that the unicorn hated so much. The fights, the shouting, it did a number on his mentality.

It was a nuisance to his workflow. Some days while repairing furniture or buying groceries he would break down suddenly garnering the surprised and worried expressions of other ponies around him. Despite his constant reassurances, they never let up and wished him the best of luck. He never resorted to faking positivity for he fears that lying to the only people that were good to him would lead to further sadness. Especially after...

"After what you did to her!" It finished his sentence. He stopped in his tracks and awaited for the mental onslaught that would happen but it never came. He shuddered and continued walking.

The rest of the walk to the lake had no distractions. When he arrived at the lake the small body of water was clean. With, hopefully, no bodies at the bottom of the lake. He hoped that it would stay that way until morning.

Feeling experimental, he searched around for a small rock to chuck into the lake. There weren't any on the shallow waters nor on the grass. The place was devoid of any rocks. He snickered grimly and laid down on a spot.

"Without a rock to throw in then the cycle wouldn't be complete" He thought out loudly. Occasionally, he would dip his hoof in the cold water and see the ripples that he created. It rarely traveled farther than half the pond before disappearing completely.

"Rock or not, here's your chance. Go on!" It said.

"I am not. Not doing what you want me to do" The stallion thought back.

"Oh, but think of the freedom you'll obtain. It's right there"

"No thank you. I value my life"

"What is there to live for? Inside this shell we call a body we're monsters, right? And it'll be a matter of time before these monsters inside us break free"

The pony had nothing to say about that. It was right. His purpose in life was stripped away from him as soon as she left. All the friends he made before were pushed away to make space for her and now that she's gone, there's nothing left. An empty space that was once full to the brim with emotions and safety.

He was done. He didn't want to fight for a possible future. If anything, that future will burn down like wheat to fire. So what's stopping him from walking off the shore and into the pond? What is pulling him back? He hoped that somepony would walk up to him and answer his questions. To find peace within his soul. He laid beside the cool water of the pond. Remembering the good times he was last here and trying so hard to forget the horrid past that ailed him.