Violent Thoughts

He trembled at the idea of leaving his house but he knew that it had to be done. The moment he set hoof on the cobblestone pavement, he felt the piercing gaze of everypony around him. Watching him, acknowledging him, judging him. Waiting for a small slip up or if he tripped on his own hooves. A faint giggle here. A snicker there. It drove him to insanity. If only he wasn't used to insanity in the first place, he could have done something irreversible. Something that would abolish any fleeting reputation and it feared him greatly.

He wondered deeply if they know what he had done and this was their response to it. A silent stare or quiet murmuring at his general direction that makes him lose his mind over. The unicorn hung his head low, making sure to hug the walls of the houses down the street. The pony stopped looking at strangers a long while ago, not wanting to see their faces. Yet he felt as if they were watching him. Taunting at him like he's an attraction to be made fun of. He wished he could go back in time. A time where ponies weren't afraid of him.

"Did they know somehow? Did she spread rumors before she left Ponyville so that she could hurt me? Blame me for an act that I never intended to do?"

"...I guess I did deserve most of it"

He wanted to shout. He wanted to stab their eyes so they cannot see him anymore. Create a scene so gruesome that they start to fear him. But he never wants that to happen. His mind is so conflicted on what he should or should not do. He can't focus nor have a simple thought that doesn't involve so much overthinking.

Deep in his thoughts, he was unable to steer away from a pony in front of him. They bump into each other but not enough that they both fell down. The pony said his apologies hastily before trotting in the opposite direction before he even got the chance to say anything. He quietly said sorry to his general direction and went on his way.

Was he too afraid of me to run away so quick? I suppose I won't know the answer anyways.

He lifted up his head slightly to see anypony in front of him to avoid another embarrassing bump like that. Almost immediately he was met with a few eyes studying me from all directions. It felt horrid to him to know that ponies were looking but the feeling was replaced with relief as he walked on the road that barely had anypony on.

The cobblestone gave way to a dirt path and a sign greeted him on the outskirts of Ponyville. He looked ahead of himself to see the shining capital of Equestria kilometers away. No longer hiding behind the rows of cottages nor the castle of the Princess that lived there. In estimate, it would be nearly a week trip from here to there by hoof. He jostled my saddle bags and placed them in a more comfortable part on his barrel before beginning the trip. The long arduous trip back to my original home. My parent's house.

Before he made the trip, he left a note on his house's door. Detailing that his family sent a letter out for him to come live with them for a while. They never really did sent the letter but it should fool ponies. Then again, what is he worried about if they found out that the note was fake? He doubted they would send a rescue team for a single pony.

Half an hour on the road, he felt my hooves ache from the prolonged exposure to exercise. Months of squandering on his bed, losing motivation to even make the slightest move amidst hunger or boredom. The mild pain felt like a low burning on his legs. Increasing with every step he made on the dirt path. Yet he pressed on, not because of he wanted to but because he knew that I needed this.

It would only make sense. "For every good thing comes with a bad thing" I always said. I was so blinded and ungrateful for every good day that passed by me. I made decisions that only benefitted me. Not anypony. I was so greedy and selfish. If only I showed a little compassion. A little patience. A little empathy! Maybe the lonely road that I am taking wouldn't have been so lonely.

That doesn't matter anymore. He had to face his troubles down this well worn dirt road. He had to make things right. If it meant walking towards Canterlot City alone then he'll do it without complaint. The pony has nopony in Ponyville to hold him back. They all hate him anyways.

...

Huh? When did it start raining? I... don't remember seeing any rain in the weather schedule. Maybe a rogue storm cloud got past the weather ponies?

They did such hard work. He doesn't blame them for missing one cloud- let alone a dozen. It must have been a dozen, the rain wasn't light. He had to find some cover, he may have been up for a death march up the Canterlot mountains but the rain clouds will soon make it impossible for the yellow pony to see what's in front of him. He had to find somewhere safe.

But where to? He was a half hour walk from Ponyville and even if he does make it back, he'll be in the same routine like always. He couldn't stand those eyes. Those cunning eyes lulling him into a false sense of security. Their attempts at coaxing to get his secrets out. And for what? So that they can relish in their gossip? They already know too much- they must have known already. So why do they want something from me? Don't they have everything?

Thunder struck the ground, breaking him out of my thoughts. The rain had already turned into a full on storm. Rain poured greatly from the dark clouds and onto his soaked coat. The water that clung on his fur felt heavy as the unicorn walked at a slow and steady pace.

Do I..? No. I am not going back. Dying on the road is much better than going back there. Why did I even think about going back? There's nopony there waiting for me, everypony living there knows what kind of sick twisted pony I am, and my friends no longer contact me. Living in Ponyville would be hell on Equis for me.

So why do I feel safe when I think about going back?

...

He coughed much harder than last time. It's only been three-quarters of an hour and he already feel ill. The rain from above doesn't seem like it's letting up anytime soon and a fog had set in minutes ago. His body felt weak everywhere. The sensation of rain tapping on his weary body made him want to collapse right here and just be done with this endless walk.

Let the darkness come for me. It's what I wanted, right? Yet I still kept walking. Why? Why do I think like this? My hell could have been over weeks ago if I just have let myself be smothered by my own pillow or... or... if I found the courage to let myself drown in the lake.

Why do I still want to live? Why, even after all this time, would I still want to keep at it? Fighting myself in order to live the next day? Is this primal instinct? Cold hooves? I have all these questions and I'm nowhere near answering them. So please, Princesses, I want answers. I need... answers. Please...

Give me a sign...