Violent Thoughts

by Valuable Ashes

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Original Character, Suicide / Self Harm
Length: 10349

My time hasn't come yet, however, I just wish it had.

For most of my time, I've done nothing but think. Some of them are peaceful. Full of wondrous battles that the righteous prevail. Others are horrible. Too horrible to even think about. I know my time hasn't come yet, however, I just wish it had.
==========
Started as a vent thing but ended up being a place for my morbid thoughts to prosper.
You don't really need to read the prequel. It's just there because it's related to this story.
(Maybe for the fourth/sixth chapter so that it could clear a few things).

Published 2021-05-22 14:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-02-14 14:49:23 UTC

Submerged

The yellow pony kicked his legs under the water. The last bubbles of air escaping his lungs as he sank to the lake floor. The way down felt like an eternity. The light from the moon reflected off from the body of water and before he went into eternal sleep it was the last light that he saw. This was it, his well deserved rest. His final thought was that he could finally be free from the shackles that he carried everyday.

That... never happened. The walk from my house to the lake never existed. The drowning was a faux and the yellow unicorn was only sitting on his front porch doing nothing but imagine. Imagine a world where he no longer exist. He hadn't been able to think or speak clearly nowadays. Not until... she left. Maybe it was for the better.

The stars shone brightly under the blanket of Luna's space but he was too focused on his brief moment of pleasure. From the moment he "died" in his imagination. He could almost feel the water seeping into his lungs and burning his throat but no matter how much he kept imagining how horrible he died, it won't be as real as the real thing. It would just be an imagination, nothing more.

When the feeling was gone, all that was left was a tired soul on the front porch of his house. His house was once full of wonderous memories and a happy place. Now it feels like a tomb. Belonging to two ponies who had already died and all that's left are their empty husks.

"Empty husks..." He whispered.

Before he could think of anything else, he found himself imagining what it would be like if ponies found his dead corpse when he "drowned" at the lake. There would most likely be shock. Finding a local offing himself in the lake not far from Ponyville. There would probably be no ponies swimming in there anytime soon. Possibly a horror story or two about his death. There's another thing though.

"What if my body was only tossed away? Buried like how a dog does to its bone" He snickered at the grim thought. "What if... what if I was never acknowledged at all?"

Ponies swimming at the lake having the time of their lives never once being able to see his rotting corpse at the bottom of the lakebed. At this point, he was giggling at his imagination. Shaming his own dead body had never felt this good to do.

He shook my head and stopped laughing. He shouldn't be thinking like this. This isn't normal. Nopony ever thinks like this. He needed help. He needed to find somepony to help him. Maybe he can still be saved.

"Oh, who am I kidding? If I could still be saved, then I wouldn't be here talking to myself like a madpony"

He left the porch and entered his house. The house that was once filled with life now only a museum with pictures of the past haunting his every hoofsteps. The unicorn was focused on the bedroom doorknob and turned it open. The light from the moon passed through the wide window and into the dark room. The air in the dark bedroom was stale. Floors and furniture never cleaned in what looked like forever.

The bed was untidy. A blanket was strewn haphazardly on the floor. From the way it was already collecting dust, its as if it was never moved from its position for a long time. The yellow pony climbed on his bed and landed face first on the pillow.

His poor attempt at trying to sleep was pitiful. Tossing and turning in his bed until his restlessness got the better of him and opened his eyes. Crimson eyes looking up at nothing as his mind instantly went into another self-deprecating thought. Unlike the former thoughts, this new suicidal idea came in quick.

Out of nowhere, a pillow came from nowhere and was shoved in front of him. The pony's eyes were widened as his lungs could not get their precious oxygen. He kicked and screamed out into the pillow but the silhouetted pony didn't budge. The seconds pass and he could feel light headed. His struggling was beginning to die down and his vision was blurring. He shut his eyes as he was beginning to feel tired from keeping them up,

However, the shadowed pony stopped forcing the pillow down on him. The unicorn felt his breathing return to him slowly. He drew in labored breaths and opened his eyes to see his pillow in front of him. He wriggled his limbs around and felt his forelegs on top of the pillow for some reason.

It didn't take long for him to realize what happened.

The unicorn threw the pillow away from him then stared at the would-be suicidal weapon owlishly. He was so close but... why was he afraid of dying when all his thoughts all involve in him getting killed?

"Why am I like this?" He asked to nopony in particular. Outside, the moon was being gently lowered to make way for the sun to rise in its place.

The sun was rising meaning that he only had a few hours to get to work. He worked in a repair shop not far from his home and so he picked up his saddle-bags and walked outside to greet the morning.

The unicorn shielded his eyes at the light of the sun then turned to face the road in front of him. He yawned out loudly and rubbed his eyes with a foreleg.

It wasn't long before ponies started to wonder what happened to him. As he never left his house for a long time. The only times he would come outside are when he had some furniture to fix or he was out buying groceries. Any attempts of communication ended in null as he would switch the topic as fast as possible. Other times he was lost in thought, never speaking a word to anypony unless it was work-related.

There was another thing odd about him. He would steer clear away from any of the element bearers. Especially from the apple farmer. Nopony knows why but maybe it's somehow related to what he's feeling? At the moment, however, it would seem that the unicorn had cut off all attempts at communicating to anypony. Walking around the dirt paths like a automated machine.

A well oiled machine ready to implode, that is.

Leaped (Thought Sequence)

He jumped into a room and gently shut the door. He sucked in a deep breath and let it go. He did this repeatedly for a short time before opening the door once more. He almost got caught but he knew that they were too slow for him to catch with all their armor on them.

He closed the door when he heard hoofsteps come close to him. They stopped in front of the door and conversed with each other for a bit before splitting off in opposite directions. That was a close call. He popped out his head again to survey his surroundings. When it was clear, he snuck out of the room and turned a corner.

He had no idea where he was going but he had a goal in mind and he was going to do it. He just had to climb higher and evade the guardsponies along the way. The yellow pony crept up to a large hall with a staircase that reached the next floor. He would have been smiling with glee if not for the stationed guards blocking the way. Two earth ponies and two pegasi. The earth ponies are no problem, the pegasi must be taken out first.

The unicorn looked around him for objects that he could throw towards the guards and found a table with a vase on top of it. It was a beautiful vase he had to admit but he had to use the furniture whether he would like it or not. He lifted the two objects behind him and held the door handle with his telekinesis.

He opened the door and chucked it at the stationed pegasi at the base of the stairs. A loud crash resonated throughout the hall and upstairs. The pegasus was knocked out and so the yellow unicorn only had to deal with three ponies. The earth pony guard rushed up to him and leaped to tackle him down but was swatted away. The unicorn swung the table like a bat and readied himself for the next poor victim to near him.

However, he wasn't expected somepony to come up behind him. A pegasus guard grabbed him by the barrel and tried to wrestle the unicorn down. The yellow pony shoved him away with a blast of his magic and used the table to whack him. The remaining earth pony guard was coming down the stairs to join in the fight. The guard ducked behind the railings when a table was thrown at him and finally descended to his level.

Unarmed, the unicorn rammed into the guard with all the force he could muster. It barely stumbled him but he was up close and personal now. The unicorn blasted the guard right on his chest with a knockback spell. The guard flew a couple hooves off the ground before smacking into the wall. When his head came in contact with the concrete, he was knocked out cold.

The unicorn breathed in heavily as the fight left him tired. His moment's rest was interrupted when a door beside him burst open and a squad of ponies rushed at him. Trying to conserve his mana, he rushed up the stairs as fast as he could and brought the broken table with him. He could hear the clanking of armor just behind him as he reached the next floor.

When he burst through another set of big hall doors, his eyes were assaulted by a bright light at the end of the corridor. His face lit up. He was close to his goal. This gave him a greater resolve and made him gallop faster despite being close to exhaustion.

Just then, a blast of magic flew past him and hit a wall. It seemed as though the guards were firing on him now to stop his advances. The unicorn threw the broken table behind him in the hopes that it would hit the offending unicorn. But the magic bolts kept flying. The fleeing unicorn was getting desperate. He grabbed all nearby furniture to throw behind him. Unfortunately for him, he could feel a mana exhaustion coming up.

He began to gallop near the furniture so he could manually throw them on the floor. On the off-chance that he could slow them down. It somehow seemed to work better than throwing them as the magic bolts flying past him slowed down to a stop. He thought he was in the clear for a moment before he saw the magic shield wall in front of him.

A squad of unicorn guards had their horns lit up and created a reinforced magic shield in between the unicorn and the light. This damaged the fleeing pony's resolve so much that he slowed down.

"But I'm so close. I can't give in" He thought to himself.

He ramped up speed and lit his horn for the last time. He thought about the spell that he was about to cast and the inevitable splitting headache he would feel after casting it. He closed his eyes and used the last of his mana to the teleportation spell. Average unicorns already have a hard time casting this spell and they always get a bad case of headache when they do so. What about a tired unicorn with very little mana reserves?

In a flash, the unicorn was displaced and appeared closer to the light than he anticipated but after doing so, he let out a chilling scream before his body crumpled to the floor. The guards cringed from the loud noise while many others stood still from shock. Blood began to trickle from his forehead and his vision was starting to lose focus but he kept his eyes on the prize. He weakly pushed aside the balcony door and crawled outside. He put one foreleg around the railings and looked below him.

It was a breathtaking view from up here. He bet he could see Ponyville if his situation was better. But he couldn't stay here and think about the view. He wrapped another foreleg around the railings and using his last strength, picked himself up. The guards behind him must have snapped out of their shocked state because he heard the thunderous hoofsteps behind him.

He let out a heavy sigh before balancing his hind legs on top of the railings and leaped forward. The wind brushed past him and the ground below him got closer and closer until he heard a sickening crunch and he knew nothing else.

Hunted (Dream Sequence)

It's been months since he last saw clear skies and the shining sunlight under all these trees but he had grown used to it. Rustles in the bushes and loud screeches haunted him every day and night, giving him nightmares for the days to come by. Yet even though he was in the middle of the Everfree forest, he knew he was safe. He knew that whatever is out there can't reach him. If he could just stay in this small wooden hut, he can be carefree as much as he wanted.

It was on one morning where the yellow pony was walking through a trail to the old ruined castle when he was beset by Timberwolves. Injured and afraid, it was by luck that he found sanctuary in the form of a mare. She wore an old cloak that covered her entire body except her face and least of her legs. The hut was cozy and the mare let him stay the night. The day after, when he was supposed to go back home, he was ambushed again by another Timberwolf and was forced back into the hut.

The mare was kind and let him stay until the Timberwolves have calmed down enough to safely get out of the forest. The stallion agreed, seeing as he wouldn't risk his life to get out of here. The forest mare was nice enough to forage food for exactly both of them even to the protest of the yellow unicorn. The stallion was grateful and one day hoped to make it up for her.

As days passed by, the stallion was afraid of what's happening outside. Every night he would hear scratching on the door frame, yellow eyes staring straight back at him before disappearing into nothingness. He always slept in the farthest corner of the hut. Hiding under one of the mare's spare cloaks. It was not until the first week did he worry about his prolonged disappearance.

It had been seven days since he was last seen at work, at home, or at his friend's house and he was beginning to worry about them. Yet the mare repeated the same warnings and that the Timberwolves have become more frisky than before and that he must stay in her house. The stallion agreed, fearing what would happen if he got caught by one of them.

One night, the forest mare asked him if he could fetch for something in the morning while she was out hunting for food. The yellow unicorn reluctantly agreed but was afraid a beast would get him.

He went out and cautiously looked around for any yellow eyes peeking at him from a distance. He searched for the flower he was supposed to grab for her and it didn't take long until he found it. He gently plucked it off the ground then sprinted back to the hut in fear. He got what he needed, why does he need to stay any longer out here?

When the forest mare returned she brought back a bountiful meal and the two ate up heartily. A lot of laughter was coming from the hut and out into the forest. The silent forest can only blow a gust of wind back at them as no noise can be heard from them.

The days turned into weeks and the stallion was feeling very comfortable with his new life. All alone with the forest mare, eating fruits coming from the trees that grew in this unpredictable forest. Occasionally, the mare would request to grab something from the forest and the stallion would get them for her without question. The items he would bring back were flowers, sticks, and plant fibers.

After nights of chatting, he knew that she had a flower collection in the making before he showed up. Now she can't forage food and collect flowers at the same time so he had to do it. Then they used the sticks for the fireplace to illuminate the hut at night. He never knew what the plant fibers were used for but it was apparent that she needed a lot of them.

It was on the second month when things were... not looking well. The stallion was sent out on another quest to pick up sticks. Wood wasn't an option here in the forest seeing as how he had no knowledge of cutting tools. He found a large pile rather quickly. Usually it took him most of the day to find them and haul them back but this was near the hut. Not letting his excitement blow over him, he picked up the sticks with his telekinesis with a cautious eye around him.

However, the sticks started to glow a neon green. He threw away the rest in his magical grip and backpedaled immediately. There was only one reason they could glow like that and he didn't like the reason at all. The sticks were gently guided by a magical force and one by one they created a paw, then two, then four, a torso, and finally a head. The stallion was already in a dead sprint back to the hut thanks to his foresight.

The stallion bolted back to the hut and locked the door. He hid under another spare cloak and trembled. When night fell, the forest mare was disappointed in him and gave him less food than before. The next day, he was sent out to find the same stuff again and was able to find them without trouble.

For the remainder of the month, it was a frightening experience. The forest mare when they first met wasn't the same as now. She would not talk to him on simple things anymore and leaves him little to eat under the excuse: "I'm sorry I couldn't find anymore food"

At the start of the third month, he took his chances and began a trek out of the forest. A quarter of a year under her care and she still uses the same: "It's not safe out there yet" excuse. He was fed up with her and wanted to go back out there with his friends.

It was weird thinking of a place outside of the hut. Whether it was back home or just out in the forest. One step out of the hut sent a chill up his spine. It's as if he was walking on some forbidden territory that he really shouldn't be walking on. He breathed in and out and walked down in one direction, hoping to find a dirt path.

There was one thing he noticed while he was out here. The forest was quiet. Too quiet. Unlike when he was back at the hut, it was a cacophony of screeching and growling. Maybe it was the calm before the storm? He hurried in his steps.

That was when he heard something. A rustling of bushes behind him. He looked over his shoulder expecting to see a pair of yellow eyes staring back at him. With a snout made of dark wood and leaves sticking out all across its body. The steady breathing of a beast and the intimidation it reeks.

The stallion didn't realize he had his eyes closed and peeked them open. What was supposed to be the source of his nightmares was replaced by a small rabbit. The rabbit scratched its ears before hopping away. The yellow pony snickered then giggled at the absurdity at what happened. He breathed in a sigh of relief and calmed himself before trekking forward.

He didn't know where he was going but he knew he was going somewhere. He could hear birds tweeting off in the distance and a river of water flowing through a creek. At first, he was startled at the sound of chirping before feeling very nostalgic at the sight of a bird. For months of not hearing a single noise other than death around the hut, the sounds around him felt like heaven.

Then he heard the ruffle of feathers and the chorus was cut off abruptly. Immediately, the lone pony felt tense. Like something was watching him and that's when he heard it. In the distance, a howl of a canine echoed throughout the Everfree forest. The pony's eyes contracted and his fight-or-flight instinct triggering. Right now there was only one thing he could do and that was to flee.

The moment the unicorn began running, the Timberwolf chased after him. It ran faster than him and it would only be a matter of time before the Timberwolf would reach the unicorn. The unicorn tried to use the zigzag maneuver in the hopes of losing the beast. To his horror, the beast was smart and swiped a paw at him. A chunk of his flank was sliced off and the pony skidded on the dirt.

The unicorn was gasping heavily. He felt the blood flow out from his open wound and trickled down his hind legs. A thousand thoughts flooded to his head. He was going to die. He should have stayed in the hut. He should have listened to the mare... He should have...

He woke up back in the hut with his body aching all over. He was on the floor and looked around him. It was near night and the forest mare was nowhere to be seen. Initially he thought that it was all a dream and that he didn't just almost die somewhere in the forest. He tried to pick himself up but felt something wrapped around his neck. He lifted a hoof to touch it and it was rough to touch.

He looked down as much as he could and saw a rope made of... are these the plant fibers he was asked to bring to her? A bloodied up cloth was wrapped on his flank suggesting that, "No, it wasn't a dream". He looked around him more carefully and saw a line of rope tied to a corner of the hut. He was leashed! He tugged at the rope that was constraining him but it was useless. He tried to untie it with his magic and was surprised that no magic field surrounded the tied knot.

What happened to his magic? He brought a hoof up to his horn and felt a slimy goo that covered his whole horn. Trying to remove it bore little to no success. The best he could have done was remove a small amount, too small to dent the slime barrier.

Then the front door opened and a chill went up his spine. His eyes traveled upwards and met an expressionless mare. The mare took one step towards him and he took one behind him. This continued until the stallion's flank hit the wall. The mare drank the terror that he emitted and took sauntered up next to him. She placed a hoof under his chin before taking on an angry face.

"What in Tartarus did I tell you? I told you to not leave!"

"I... I'm sorry"

"Hmph! You should be lucky that no Timberwolf got you" The mare stomped of to her work table. This raised a few questions. If it wasn't a Timberwolf that got him then what did?

"When I say do not leave," The mare turned her head to face the stallion. His face turning into a mortified expression. Her pupils were gone and two glowing yellow eyes remained. "I suggest you follow that rule from now on"

Gripped

He shot up from his bed and gripped his head in pain. He just wanted to forget her. They broke up already and yet why is he still thinking of her? Any attempts to blot out those thoughts result in the darkest version of make-believe. All he could think were multiple ways for his demise and to top it all off, he had a nightmare about his ex-lover turning into a beast this night.

Was he cursed forever to be this way? He can't think of anything but misery that would further destroy him. Was he destined to feel this way? He didn't deserve her kindness nor her compassion. He didn't deserve anypony's. He was a monster. He didn't want to be with anypony. All he would do is mess things up.

Would that make him a villain? He read about the different villains that once roamed Equestria and they all had a similarity, they destroy friendship and harmony. He wondered when The Elements are going to come up his doorstep stating that he had to be "vanquished" for the good of all Equestria. He laughed at the grim thought before becoming quiet again.

He didn't feel sleepy at all and so he laid there with all his dark thoughts flying around his mind. His thoughts lingered back to how The Elements would vanquish their foes. They petrify them with the power of friendship. What happened if he was petrified? To forever stand on somepony's garden unable to move for a millennia?

"I bet even the birds would poop on me then nopony will clean me up" The yellow unicorn muttered. "I wonder if somepony will chop my statue in half so that it can fit some tiny door frame like some prized animal. How would that feel like once I'm encased in stone?"

He had no answers for those questions. He thought about it but ultimately left that question to dust. He looked out the window again. It was past midnight and it would be hours before the next day starts. The stallion breathed in deeply before getting out of bed and walking out the front door. He thought of a place to rest or at least clear his mind.

A gentle breeze flew past the unicorn as he walked down the road. It has been weeks since he last visited the lake and days since he last thought about drowning in it. He felt a wave of déjà vu while walking there. Was it because of his thoughts?

On the way to the lake, he heard a whisper calling out to him. He looked around in confusion as he knew that nopony would be up this late at night. Maybe except the librarian turned Princess researching away in her tree house. Whoever was out there whispered again with increasing volume. It was only minutes until he heard a discernable word from the gibberish.

"Guilty! You're guilty!" It shouted. The unicorn held a hoof on his head and cringed. The words cut a deep wound into his heart as he remembered the times he held his ex-lover's hoof and the sinful thoughts that came with it. He tried to force them out of his head until he heard the same voice again.

"You need punishment! Celestia, damnit. Hurt yourself!" It shouted at a higher crescendo. The yellow pony clutched his skull with the other hoof. He fell to the ground because both forelegs couldn't support him anymore. "What are you waiting for?"

He writhed in the road path, punching the solid ground in an attempt to satiate the force that is driving him to self harm. The voice ceased whispering minutes later granting the hallucinating unicorn peace. His hooves were sore and he was teary eyed. The stallion shook himself off, not hearing the voices in his head anymore.

He laid there for a bit, fearing that he would hear them again. When nothing came for a long time he stood up, albeit shakily, and walked forward to the lake. The pony winced at every step. He heard the voice the first time about a day after his break-up. It started out small, like his conscience scolding him for making the wrong decision every day then its intensity ramped up. It was like it's own separate entity in his mind.

Something that was smarter, a force much greater than his own, and most of all correct. It was able to shut him down multiple times per day, rendering him useless and vulnerable. It loved to replay memories that the unicorn hated so much. The fights, the shouting, it did a number on his mentality.

It was a nuisance to his workflow. Some days while repairing furniture or buying groceries he would break down suddenly garnering the surprised and worried expressions of other ponies around him. Despite his constant reassurances, they never let up and wished him the best of luck. He never resorted to faking positivity for he fears that lying to the only people that were good to him would lead to further sadness. Especially after...

"After what you did to her!" It finished his sentence. He stopped in his tracks and awaited for the mental onslaught that would happen but it never came. He shuddered and continued walking.

The rest of the walk to the lake had no distractions. When he arrived at the lake the small body of water was clean. With, hopefully, no bodies at the bottom of the lake. He hoped that it would stay that way until morning.

Feeling experimental, he searched around for a small rock to chuck into the lake. There weren't any on the shallow waters nor on the grass. The place was devoid of any rocks. He snickered grimly and laid down on a spot.

"Without a rock to throw in then the cycle wouldn't be complete" He thought out loudly. Occasionally, he would dip his hoof in the cold water and see the ripples that he created. It rarely traveled farther than half the pond before disappearing completely.

"Rock or not, here's your chance. Go on!" It said.

"I am not. Not doing what you want me to do" The stallion thought back.

"Oh, but think of the freedom you'll obtain. It's right there"

"No thank you. I value my life"

"What is there to live for? Inside this shell we call a body we're monsters, right? And it'll be a matter of time before these monsters inside us break free"

The pony had nothing to say about that. It was right. His purpose in life was stripped away from him as soon as she left. All the friends he made before were pushed away to make space for her and now that she's gone, there's nothing left. An empty space that was once full to the brim with emotions and safety.

He was done. He didn't want to fight for a possible future. If anything, that future will burn down like wheat to fire. So what's stopping him from walking off the shore and into the pond? What is pulling him back? He hoped that somepony would walk up to him and answer his questions. To find peace within his soul. He laid beside the cool water of the pond. Remembering the good times he was last here and trying so hard to forget the horrid past that ailed him.

Reminisced

He tossed and turned in bed. Not able to get a wink of sleep. A momentary reprieve from the damnation he put himself through. It was mind-breaking. It was as though he was back in the past where he had fights with his ex-lover. The constant shouting and the harmful words she threw at him. He barely fought back as he was unable to harm anypony. Even to the point where she broke him. Turned him into a dumb and confused mess. He just couldn't talk back to her.

What caused those fights anyway? Was it because he didn't do the dishes? An offensive word that he accidentally spewed out from his muzzle? Yet he knew that he would have caught them immediately and apologized so much that his ex-lover would beg him to stop. So what did he do wrong?

Finally, with a newfound way to pass time, the unicorn slipped away from his bed and turned to his front door. An evening walk always helped with deep thinking. Before he went out, his eyes were transfixed on the scarf that hung next to the door and stared it. The unicorn contemplated on taking it with him. Knowing that he was given the scarf as a gift by somepony. After minutes pass, he took it without a second thought and wrapped the long cloth around his neck.

When he began walking aimlessly, he tried to remember the start of it all. However, it was awfully weird being unable to recall anything that happened from when they first met and in the middle of the relationship. The unicorn was met with an early stalemate. How could he continue solving this problem he had in front of him if he had nothing to help him remember?

A gentle breeze blew over him, fluttering his mane and tail with the wind and something else. The scarf on his neck must have not been secured as well as he thought and flew down onto the stone path by the wind. He hurriedly picked it up with his magic and dusted it off. He inspected it twice to make sure there was no dust on it.

There was something familiar to the scarf now that he was looking closely at it. He shifted from inspecting for dirt to admiring the warm cloth. It was red, peach, and black colored... Why would it be colored like that?

Suddenly, a force like a train hit him in the face. The combination of colors kickstarted his brain that now worked overtime to recall a specific memory stashed away in his mindscape. The rush of memories knocked him to his haunches and let his brain fill him with details that he once fondly remembered.

==========

It was a Hearth's Warming eve and ponies were in their homes. All snuggled up in their blankets and opening presents from their family or friends. The unicorn looked out the window to see the snow gently fall from the sky. It was beautiful no matter how much he saw it.

"I got you a present" He heard a voice to his left. He looked over and saw her. As pure as she could be. Before all the hate. Before everything really. She had a long crimson mane with a peach coat. Her eyes were black but had a subtle brown to them.

"What is it?" He asked while taking the wrapped box from her hooves. He opened it and held up a simple scarf with a trio of colors. He gasped and hugged it tightly around him before putting it on by himself.

"Do you like it?"

"I love it. It's so warm and fuzzy... like when I get to hug you" She merely giggled and came up close to him. In that moment they were close to each other. So close that they were about to-

==========

"WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING FROM ME?" She shouted at him. The unicorn can only duck under the furniture she threw at him. Flower vases were promptly caught in the air to be set down safely again. Plates were shattered from the force of impact and showered on the defensive pony.

"That's all! I never harmed him! I know you told me to but I just can't!" He covered his face with a foreleg. His barrel sported shallow cuts and bruises. Very similar to paper cuts but not as painful as those.

"I even congratulated you... stupid mistake. I shouldn't have trusted you at making the simplest action"

"He was only a bystander to me. I don't have the capacity to hurt somepony I barely knew!" The mare fumed at his answer and kept silent. Thinking over what she thought was the best course of action.

"From now on, you're staying in the house. No going outside until you're with me, okay?" It felt more of a statement than a question. The stallion nodded in surrender.

Hours later, the yellow pony treated the shallow cuts his lover gave him. They weren't harmful unlike the deep cut she put his mind through. He was not a fighter. He never stood up for himself nor thought about going into brawls or ending up in the Royal Guard when he was a colt. He was interested in only peace. The peace and prosperity that Equestria has brought to ponies and non-ponies alike.

Now, he was fighting a war with himself that can't ever be solved by peace. A war that slowly deteriorated his state of mind and soon his memories.

==========

He was brought back to the real world when a simple gust of wind flew past him. He didn't realize he was crying. A couple of tears rolled down from his cheek and onto the scarf he held in his hooves. He looked at the cloth with a trembling resolve. Was he ready to recall all of his past moments? From start to finish?

He sat on the stone pathway clutching the Hearth's Warming present in his hooves, thinking if he should do something about the cloth. The unicorn picked himself up and walked back to his house to sleep on this. The walk felt longer than it was before and the scarf felt heavier to his grip the more he thought about its origins.

Falsehood

He trembled at the idea of leaving his house but he knew that it had to be done. The moment he set hoof on the cobblestone pavement, he felt the piercing gaze of everypony around him. Watching him, acknowledging him, judging him. Waiting for a small slip up or if he tripped on his own hooves. A faint giggle here. A snicker there. It drove him to insanity. If only he wasn't used to insanity in the first place, he could have done something irreversible. Something that would abolish any fleeting reputation and it feared him greatly.

He wondered deeply if they know what he had done and this was their response to it. A silent stare or quiet murmuring at his general direction that makes him lose his mind over. The unicorn hung his head low, making sure to hug the walls of the houses down the street. The pony stopped looking at strangers a long while ago, not wanting to see their faces. Yet he felt as if they were watching him. Taunting at him like he's an attraction to be made fun of. He wished he could go back in time. A time where ponies weren't afraid of him.

"Did they know somehow? Did she spread rumors before she left Ponyville so that she could hurt me? Blame me for an act that I never intended to do?"

"...I guess I did deserve most of it"

He wanted to shout. He wanted to stab their eyes so they cannot see him anymore. Create a scene so gruesome that they start to fear him. But he never wants that to happen. His mind is so conflicted on what he should or should not do. He can't focus nor have a simple thought that doesn't involve so much overthinking.

Deep in his thoughts, he was unable to steer away from a pony in front of him. They bump into each other but not enough that they both fell down. The pony said his apologies hastily before trotting in the opposite direction before he even got the chance to say anything. He quietly said sorry to his general direction and went on his way.

Was he too afraid of me to run away so quick? I suppose I won't know the answer anyways.

He lifted up his head slightly to see anypony in front of him to avoid another embarrassing bump like that. Almost immediately he was met with a few eyes studying me from all directions. It felt horrid to him to know that ponies were looking but the feeling was replaced with relief as he walked on the road that barely had anypony on.

The cobblestone gave way to a dirt path and a sign greeted him on the outskirts of Ponyville. He looked ahead of himself to see the shining capital of Equestria kilometers away. No longer hiding behind the rows of cottages nor the castle of the Princess that lived there. In estimate, it would be nearly a week trip from here to there by hoof. He jostled my saddle bags and placed them in a more comfortable part on his barrel before beginning the trip. The long arduous trip back to my original home. My parent's house.

Before he made the trip, he left a note on his house's door. Detailing that his family sent a letter out for him to come live with them for a while. They never really did sent the letter but it should fool ponies. Then again, what is he worried about if they found out that the note was fake? He doubted they would send a rescue team for a single pony.

Half an hour on the road, he felt my hooves ache from the prolonged exposure to exercise. Months of squandering on his bed, losing motivation to even make the slightest move amidst hunger or boredom. The mild pain felt like a low burning on his legs. Increasing with every step he made on the dirt path. Yet he pressed on, not because of he wanted to but because he knew that I needed this.

It would only make sense. "For every good thing comes with a bad thing" I always said. I was so blinded and ungrateful for every good day that passed by me. I made decisions that only benefitted me. Not anypony. I was so greedy and selfish. If only I showed a little compassion. A little patience. A little empathy! Maybe the lonely road that I am taking wouldn't have been so lonely.

That doesn't matter anymore. He had to face his troubles down this well worn dirt road. He had to make things right. If it meant walking towards Canterlot City alone then he'll do it without complaint. The pony has nopony in Ponyville to hold him back. They all hate him anyways.

...

Huh? When did it start raining? I... don't remember seeing any rain in the weather schedule. Maybe a rogue storm cloud got past the weather ponies?

They did such hard work. He doesn't blame them for missing one cloud- let alone a dozen. It must have been a dozen, the rain wasn't light. He had to find some cover, he may have been up for a death march up the Canterlot mountains but the rain clouds will soon make it impossible for the yellow pony to see what's in front of him. He had to find somewhere safe.

But where to? He was a half hour walk from Ponyville and even if he does make it back, he'll be in the same routine like always. He couldn't stand those eyes. Those cunning eyes lulling him into a false sense of security. Their attempts at coaxing to get his secrets out. And for what? So that they can relish in their gossip? They already know too much- they must have known already. So why do they want something from me? Don't they have everything?

Thunder struck the ground, breaking him out of my thoughts. The rain had already turned into a full on storm. Rain poured greatly from the dark clouds and onto his soaked coat. The water that clung on his fur felt heavy as the unicorn walked at a slow and steady pace.

Do I..? No. I am not going back. Dying on the road is much better than going back there. Why did I even think about going back? There's nopony there waiting for me, everypony living there knows what kind of sick twisted pony I am, and my friends no longer contact me. Living in Ponyville would be hell on Equis for me.

So why do I feel safe when I think about going back?

...

He coughed much harder than last time. It's only been three-quarters of an hour and he already feel ill. The rain from above doesn't seem like it's letting up anytime soon and a fog had set in minutes ago. His body felt weak everywhere. The sensation of rain tapping on his weary body made him want to collapse right here and just be done with this endless walk.

Let the darkness come for me. It's what I wanted, right? Yet I still kept walking. Why? Why do I think like this? My hell could have been over weeks ago if I just have let myself be smothered by my own pillow or... or... if I found the courage to let myself drown in the lake.

Why do I still want to live? Why, even after all this time, would I still want to keep at it? Fighting myself in order to live the next day? Is this primal instinct? Cold hooves? I have all these questions and I'm nowhere near answering them. So please, Princesses, I want answers. I need... answers. Please...

Give me a sign...

Screech (Dream Sequence)

They got another train car yesterday. That's the third time this month. If this keeps up, all of the next town's supplies will be gone. The passengers are scared, I am scared too. This whole nightmare has been scary. I wish it was back like normal where there wasn't death lying peeking at the corner of our eyes.

I and a few other conductors were tasked at keeping Equestria country safe and running. Making huge trips all around cities to cover huge tracts of land faster than the carriages of mercenaries. I personally don't trust mercenaries. Tartarus, I believe the mercs tip off the things we're trying to flee from.

What we're running from is unnerving. Nopony has a scientific name for it so we call them Void. They're... there but not there. We can see them move around on the ground and in the air but none of us can get a reading on them. They're magic-proof, weapon proof... chaos proof. The reformed Lord of Chaos cannot compete against this growing entity. We, pony folk, are relying on the combined forces of all Princesses and the Chaos Lord and until then, we must survive in these harsh conditions.

The once green grass had turned into dirt. Void taking all life in the grass and making it into barely nothing. There are rarely any clouds up in the sky and not even animals were spared from Void. We would have been screwed over if it weren't for the Void's inability to consume non-living things such as the metal and the wood placed underneath them to create train tracks.

A short but loud noise put me back in the real world. An eagle landed on the train window carrying a scrolled piece of paper. It was a message from the far north by the current train assigned in charge of The Crystal Empire and Vanhoover. The train was tasked to deliver cut wood to the citizens in the cold landscape. Did something happen? Nopony really sent letters to train conductors unless it was absolutely important. My mind instantly became worried at the prospect of the train being derailed and this was an S.O.S. message.

I thanked the eagle and took the letter. The bird turned around and flew off. What was once an animal with so many species now reduced to a few as the Void consumed flocks and their habitats. I unfurled the rolled letter and assumed the worst.

For the Canterlot Bird-Messengers,

Please send this letter to Conductor P-A-D the soonest using another bird. My snow bunting won't be able to reach farther down south.

Conductor P-A-D,

Before you worry, as of writing this, my train and I are in good condition. The wind is not blowing too harshly and my cargo has been untouched for the duration of the trip. I am only sending this message because I am most dreadfully bored and in need of some form of interaction.

I know it is wholly unprofessional of me to send a message to another conductor unless it was important. However, it kind of is to me. The tracks leading to The Crystal Empire is a long one. I have gotten bored of my crosswords and my snowflake is in need of good flight.

If it is not much, please reply.
I...
I'm just so lonely transporting goods from city to empire and vice-versa.

With much hope,
Conductor CE-V

It's not what I was suspecting. Should I reply or not?

There was a protocol for when train conductors would receive letters not containing any news, whereabouts, anything not related to the Void and city issue. Our response would be either to burn or keep it with us until we dropped off. We cannot throw it away as mercenaries and bandits may roam near the train to pick up dropped goodies and whether or not the letter was important, it could contain information in cities and where its weak spots are.

...

Hmm...

I called for my mockingbird to send the letter back to the CBM to relay it with Conductor CE-V. Before I did so, I wrote a quick and formal letter regarding my condition and expressed myself with some constraint. In other words, I replied to their letter.

I tied it tightly and gave it to my bird companion. She chirped and took off, flapping her wings against the wind. I looked on at the horizon. It won't be soon until I reached Appleloosa. The place where I became a certified conductor. The mayor won't be happy with a quarter of the goods gone but they will have to ration it until the next season.

...

The train arrived to Appleloosa at dusk. I remembered when this city was bustling with activity in the past. Now it felt like a ghost town. I stopped the train and jumped onto the station. I looked for any pony in the stalls but was confused to see nopony. The first few passengers dropped off and checked their belongings.

I waited for anypony to show up behind the window. After a few minutes, I went to knock on the employees door. My hoof came in contact with the door but instead of hearing a firm knock, the door opened.

Cautiously, I peered in the station's staff rooms. They wouldn't have left this place alone without a notice. There was no blood, meaning bandits didn't raid the place. I looked at the papers and shuffled them to look for any clues. Was there a retreat? Did something terrible happen?

I looked out the window in worry. The train was still in front of me. Good, I pulled the brakes. I recalled moments where I was a mere rookie and forgot to pull the brakes in my training. My train was about to run into an unfinished railway and into some apple trees. It ended up being a buffer stop since those same apple trees were in the way. Heh, good times.

...

Where have all the trees gone?

I stood still at the realization of what had happened to this town. No bodies, no blood, no trees. I stumbled out of the station rooms and yelled out to the top of my lungs.

All of the passengers immediately got the message and began hurrying back into the train. I jumped onto the locomotive and began heating up the coal. All the passengers were back into their cars safely and hoped for the train to start moving again. A few were even praying to the Princesses for our safety.

The train inched its way backwards out of the town. Just as we thought we were safe, I saw it.

The floating Void was coming towards us. It'll catch up if the train isn't in top speed yet. I backed out of the locomotive to buy myself time and into the coal car. With a huff, I climbed on top of the coal and slid back down to the passenger car. The ponies there were surprised at my sudden appearance which made them more worried for their lives.

I gently told them to usher back into the caboose to buy some time for ourselves. Straight to the point. Lying won't do any good for us. Foals were led to the caboose followed by mares then stallions. I made sure that everypony was coming with us.

We passed by the rations that was once for the citizens of Appleloosa and entered the rear car. A silent prayer or two. The hushing of a mare to her foal. We all sat in silence inside the caboose. I stared out the open door, looking at the empty train cars all the way back to front through the door's windows.

I don't want to end like this. Consumed by the Void and letting these ponies be consumed as well. It's not fair. I have so many things to do. So many days to live on.

What of Conductor CE-V? What will happen to him? What of my friends back in Appleloosa? Did they escape via another train? I have so many questions that are unanswered and yet, I'm staring at the face of death. Staring at the Void.

To my relief, the train began picking up speed and there was no sign of the unnerving entity nearby. I carefully stood up and travelled through the empty cars.

Rations untouched. Seats warm. Coal on fire and going a couple miles an hour. A sighed deeply. All of us gets to live another day.

Clink!

The train rode on for the night. Hearing the clickety-clack of the wheels going through the rails. It's soothing.

Clack!

It's a shame to lose another town. The apples there were one of the best things in the world and now it's gone. Nothing lasts forever I suppose and we'll only have the good and bad memories of the place.

Crack!

Wait... what's that noise?

KRA-KOOM

Unite

KRA-KOOM!

The blue earth pony awoke to the sound of thunder reaching its way to the ground. It sounded far away yet it was enough to bring him back to the waking world. He opted to fall back asleep into the comfy bed that used up most of his room but decided against it. Another lightning bolt may strike again and he'd wake up the second time. He wanted to see what was happening outside anyways, even if it's just a hard downpour.

He walked past his small bedroom and into a tight hallway that was barely enough for a pony of average size to walk through. He entered the kitchen that acted like his living room. A row of salt, herbs, and spices were lined up on a shelf. Ready to be used at a moment's notice. A small stove and sink were the most noticeable parts of the kitchen as they looked regularly cleaned unlike the nearby counters and cabinets featuring wet stains of both old and new.

The house was dimly lit. The only source of light that illuminated the room came from candles strewn about the house in carefully placed spots to maximize their brightness. The weather ponies in the small village told the populace to avoid using the magic-infused gems in their houses to not attract any lightning bolts in their direction. Speaking of lightning bolts, what happened? The earth pony thought back to morning to refresh on what happened prior to the storm.

Being unable to recall past events with ease was worrying to the earth pony. He cannot remember anything beyond a day and wasn't used to the sudden memory loss he was experiencing. He thought back to when he first awoke and followed through his memories until he reached the reason why.

Early in the morning, somepony in the weather factory accidentally pressed a button to release all reserve storm clouds that were kept in case of an emergency. No doubt they're going to replace that button to a more safer area than last time. Pegasi swarmed the whole populace as newspapers weren't going fast enough.

The blue pony opened the door and to nopony's surprise, the rain kept pouring outside. No signs of stopping yet. The loud but relaxing sound of the rain made the pony look out in melancholy. Feels only fitting to see the front of his yard covered in rain. Multiple tombstones and plaques were on the grass. Carefully cut stone placed on top of coffins under the dirt to convey information to any pony looking.

Every time where a townspony would pass away, rain was always present at the funeral. Never too hard to not scare anypony mourning over the loss of a soul. Now with the hard rain this noon, he wondered if everypony in town was safe and this was not a bad omen that somepony was about to leave the mortal plane. But he couldn't stand to wait in his house. He had to check at least!

But the rain felt harsher by the second. He feared that it might sweep him and instead he would be the death of today.

He gulped and picked a nearby lantern in his mouth. He lifted up one of his umbrellas leaning against the cement wall of his house. It doesn't hurt to take a walk around town, right?

He stepped down from the porch and onto a pathway of stone. The stones were equally spaced out so that a pony can easily walk on them without touching the grass once. He looked at the graves one by one. The slight fog hindered his sight but his frequent walks from home to town got him to recognize who was who.

There were six graves in total, each of them taking up a big space. He was surely thankful that barely anypony had died after this place was founded. His heart dropped after passing a grave with a small part of the stone chipped away. The earth pony began planning on fixing that in the near future.

Finally stepping on the main road to the town, he walked steady with determination and close to the ground. The umbrella waved around violently, threatening the pony to fly away with or without him. His dry coat already damp from the extreme weather.

He could have stayed at home and waited it out but he had to know if everypony was still alive. He needed to know, they were strangers to him but they were the closest ponies in his life to call them friends and he would gladly shed his life to protect them. Maybe then, would he be remembered by many.

At this moment the earth pony tripped over his own hoof, reeling at the sudden thought of self-sacrifice. His common sense wanted him to go back home where it was safe but he continued on. Gaining resolve at the prospect of being a pony who gave his life to check the citizens of a small unnamed town.

He knew how unhealthy his mindset is. Harmful it may be, it stopped any invading thoughts that would potentially damage his own mind. Indeed, it made his thoughts more stable at the cost of his well-being.

The rain kept hammering on the umbrella. The earth pony held on to the helpless object as he let his lantern shine the path towards the town. He knew he wasn't far. Endure a couple more minutes and he'd be at the town's gates... or hopefully an intact fence gate along with the fence.

However, his eyes caught a rather huge lump somewhere not too far off the road. With no time to waste, the grave keeper dashed as fast as he could towards what he assumed was a pony. But what could a pony be doing out here in the severe weather?

As he got closer, his suspicions were correct and he had stumbled across somepony. A pony that was unfamiliar to him. Could it be a newcomer that got caught in the weather factory accident?

The stranger was exposed to the heavy rain and had collapsed on the grass sometime ago, he figured. On his barrel were two heavily soaked saddlebags. Its contents were probably in their most fragile state because of the rain. He carefully moved them aside to reveal the stranger's yellow chest. The blue pony quickly placed his hoof onto the chest and felt relieved to feel a beating heart. It was weak, and if he were exposed anymore than what he is now, then he will most likely perish.

"Not on my watch. Nopony will die today" The earth pony thought. He lifted the pony and balanced him on his back. The town will have to wait for any rescue.

With newfound purpose, the wet blue pony carried the equally wet yellow pony back to his house.