Hoof Hearted!

by GroaningGreyAgony

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4882

The heartwarming story of a happy little pony and his unusual talent.

When you least expect it, love can catch up from behind you.

Note: Apologies for this, I've been sitting on it for quite a while and had to get it out of my system.
If you find flatulence jokes to be amusing, you will probably enjoy this story. If you do not find such jokes amusing, I respectfully suggest that you spare yourself the reading time, and also spare me your downvote.

This story is an entrant in Racc's Crackfic Storm!

Published 2021-04-01 17:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-04-01 17:00:01 UTC

Chapter 1

Once upon a time in the magical land of Equestria, in a town named Saddlebrook, there lived a happy clan of ponies—the Hearted clan. They bore that name because as far back as any pony could remember, they always put the full force of their spirits into anything that they did. Tales were told in Saddlebrook of their notable ancestors, such as Iron Hearted, the staunchest of the town founders, who once stared down a hydra in the middle of the town square, and Warm Hearted, whose foresight and charity had ensured that no family in Saddlebrook went entirely without food or heat during one terrible and famine-stricken winter.

The current generation of Hearteds, while perhaps not as heroic as their forebears, were still well liked and respected by their friends and community. And on one cozy evening, they were welcoming a little bundle of joy to their family. Merry Hearted, the new mother, was curled on a mat of straw on the floor, resting from her labor, gently nuzzling her newborn foal and licking his birth-matted coat. Her husband, True Hearted, sat close, moist eyed, gazing with love at his wife and his new son, a tiny colt with green mane, chestnut coat and brown eyes.

“What shall we name him, dear?” he asked.

As he spoke, his wife was licking her way across the tiny colt’s hide, from his head to his tail, and when she reached the end there was a small razzing noise as his little wet tail fluttered in the air. Her snout wrinkled, and she shook her head and snorted air from her nostrils. ”Whoof!” she said, coughing.

He looked puzzled. “‘Hoof?’ I don’t recall that we discussed that name before…”

“What…?” She coughed again. “Oh! Well, now that I hear you say it, it has a certain… tang, er, ring to it. I think it might fit him. What do you think, dear?”

“I like it,” he declared. “It’s a solid, traditional Earth pony name. Hoof it is, then! Hoof Hearted!”

“It’s him. Our little baby,” she crooned, tears dripping from her eyes.

***

Little Hoof grew rapidly, and by the start of school, he had become a curious, exuberant young colt, friendly and cheerful. But very soon, his destiny was to become manifest.

One spring morning, a group of mischievous students sat with Hoof at his first class, including Ice Melted, a unicorn filly with a frosted-light blue coat. They were engaged in making silly noises before the bell rang. So engrossed were they with grossness that they didn’t notice the teacher, a thin sallow stallion named Mr. Pferdz, as he entered the room. Behind him was Ms. Fetzel, the superintendent, there to observe.

Ice crossed her eyes and made a particularly rude noise, which started a fresh wave of giggling among the students. Suddenly Mr. Pferdz was leaning over them, fire in his eyes. “Which of you made that revolting sound?” he demanded.

Hoof darted a glance at his new friend, Ice. “It was... me.” said Hoof.

“Oh? Well, if you are telling the truth, you deserve punishment, and if you lie, punishment as well!” cried Mr. Pferdz, giving a wink and a nod to the superintendent. “So come up here, young colt, and let’s hear you recite the first poem in your primer before all the class!”

Hoof’s tummy felt quite upset as he had to walk to the front of the class with all eyes upon him. He’d been given the primer only last week, and he wasn’t sure how half the words in it were supposed to come out. But he put on a brave face, knowing that Ice’s eyes were on him too.

As Hoof opened his book and started to read, the embarrassment grew. His little bottom wriggled. His tail felt all warm and tickly. And then it happened—the rudest and loudest noise yet! A large green cloud spread throughout the classroom along with fits of laughter and amazed revulsion.

“I BEG your pardon, superintendant!” cried Mr. Pferdz in great distress, holding his nose.

Ms. Fetzel looked at him with raised eyebrow. “That’s all right, Mr. Pferdz; you are excused. For a moment, I had thought that little colt was at fault.”

“But—! I didn’t—” Mr. Pferdz flushed red to his collar with horror.

“I trust you will control yourself better in the future, this is your first day after all. And you may wish to consider a diet with more fiber in it...?”

Meanwhile, a magical burning sensation settled on Hoof’s flanks. He yelped and jumped forward, then stared back at his posterior, to behold his new cutie mark: a green cloud, shaped like a question mark!

“I got my cutie mark! I got my cutie mark!” Hoof felt ten feet tall, and even being chewed out by the flustered Mr. Pferdz couldn’t crush his spirits. He marched proudly back to his desk.

“What does it mean?” asked Ice, smiling as she examined his flank.

“I don’t know,” said Hoof, “But suddenly I just felt free. Free to bring out the best in me. And I don’t think anyone can blame me for that.”

***

As time went on, Hoof took to sports, greatly enjoying hoofball and footracing. So well did he do in the hundred yard dash that he was entered by his middle-school coach in an interschool competition.

The grandstands were packed with parents and friends under a cloudless sky as Hoof found himself among twenty other young runners in the starting line, standing next to a pegasus who kept fanning her wings and glancing in his direction.

“You don’t stand a chance in this race!” she sneered. “My dad is the famous racing pony, Sea Biscuit!”

“Well, he’s not racing today, is he?” said Hoof. “You are! What’s your name, anyway?”

She arched her wings sarcastically, displaying her cutie mark, a sort of bun with wings. “Duh! I’m Air Biscuit, and you’re gonna be eating my dust!”

Hoof laughed. “Well, I think your dad is a wet one, and you’re a puff of hot air!”

“Why, you—”

“Okay, settle down, children,” said the referee. “On your marks… get set…”

BANG! Went the starter’s pistol, and off they all ran down the racecourse. Hoof’s parents shouted their encouragement from the stands. Hoof could see them from the corner of his eye, and also Ice Melted, who would be taking part in the swim meet later.

“Run, Hoof! Run like the wind!” they shouted to him.

Hoof sweated and strained, giving his whole being and spirit to running, his hooves drumming the ground in a powerful rhythm. And as the air blew past him, he felt the tickle in his tail again… And then he was surging forward, triumphantly passing the wind!

Hoof advanced, trailing a smoky cloud. One by one, the runners he passed slowed in their tracks, their nostrils flaring, their eyes rolling up into their heads. He glanced back to see Air Biscuit floating behind him, spinning in his breeze, drifting off to the sidelines in confusion and rage!

Hoof burst like a rocket through the taut ribbon that marked the finish line and came to a screeching halt, leaving skidmarks behind him. Most of the other runners had passed out. And as the smoky trail he’d left behind drifted up into the stands, the crowd stood and stamped and yelled over and over:

“HOOF HEARTED! HOOF HEARTED!”

“That’s me!” shouted Hoof, triumphantly leaping and bucking and cantering about in circles. “That’s me! I’m the one: Hoof Hearted!”

It was the very happiest day of his young life.

***

Hoof and Ice grew closer as time went on, and their parents seemed to encourage the attentions. Ice Melted was working hard to develop her own talents of warming the frost, and in the winters she was much in demand to help remove snow and unclog frozen water pipes. Hoof could foresee a very bright future between them, and he kept that daydream in his heart like a snug little treasure.

It was in their mid teens that the first signs came. It was at a block party, where Ice had selectively melted a large block into a pretty centerpiece sculpture of a leaping unicorn. Everyone in attendance was feeling festive and the band was humming as the crowd danced and sang.

Hoof in his confidence licked a little too much salt, and wound up dancing around the tables, capering with glee, imagining the day he could afford to bend the knee before Ice and ask her to be his forevermore... But as he danced, he felt the tickle in his tail once again, and a noise like a foghorn cut through the dance music and a green fog surrounded and settled on Ice’s beautiful sculpture, which drooped, its horn wilting somewhat overdramatically!

As Hoof gaped in shock, Ice approached him. “Hoof, can we talk in private for a moment?”

Behind closed doors, Hoof gave her a goofy grin, thinking only of how pretty she was, and another tickle tail built up behind him. Ice wrinkled her snout.

“Hoof…” She began sadly. “I’m not blaming you, I’m not blaming either of us, but... There’s just something in the air between us…”

The green miasma grew more opaque and oppressive. “What do you mean?” cried Hoof, as if through a dense fog.

She frowned as the haze hid her features. “I’m sorry, Hoof. We just can’t see each other anymore.”

And it was true, oh, it was true. Hoof’s heart wrung deep inside him and his breath caught in his throat. He stopped trying to fight back the tears as he desperately searched to find a hint of forgiveness in her face, a sign that she wasn’t serious… But he saw nothing, nothing at all. Weeping, he turned away and walked off alone, out the door and down the lane, thoroughly deflated.

“…call me Broken Hearted,” sobbed Hoof. And everything felt broken around him. Even the wind.

***

Ice Melted left town that week for parts unknown, it was said that she was going to try to seek her fortune way up north where there would be plenty of demand for her talent. All of her friends and family wished her the best.

Hoof tried and tried and wasn’t able to put Ice Melted out of his mind. He moped for weeks, growing more distant from his own kin, but every place he went in town reminded him of her, and he kept pondering ways to try to melt her heart.

One day, he made up his mind to go out into the world and seek his own fortune. He obtained the tearful blessings of his parents, packed sensibly for a long trip, and set forth out of town, unsure of his destination, but knowing that the wide world could contain no greater turmoil than that deep inside him.

He was tempted to seek out Ice’s trail and pursue her, but he sensed that this was the wrong way to go; he’d be better able to impress her if he showed that he could make his own way in the world, instead of following her like a lost puppy dog.

Again and again, as he made camp by the side of the long road and settled himself to sleep, he thought back to the memories of that ill fated day, the day he had gamboled… and lost.

One day, Hoof saw a sign pointing to a lumber camp. A spell of hard labor to work away his cares and woes appealed to his Earth pony nature. He decided to see if he had what it took to become a logger, felling trees for a living.

Hoof found a work crew who were lashing out at tree trunks with powerful strokes of their hind legs. He approached the one who seemed to have the most authority, a sturdy brown burro with powerful muscles and stature, and respectfully introduced himself.

“Hola!” said the burro. “I am Hierro Herradura, the foremane. So good am I at slashing through the oaken trunks, that they call me the Busting Ass!”

Hoof explained his desire for a different calling. Hierro walked slowly around him, then nodded slowly. “I can see that you have the stature for the job; the rest must be shown. Come with me.”

Hoof was taken to a small clearing, at the center of which was an Earth pony mare as solid as a tree trunk in her own right. Hierro consulted with her for a moment

“I’m Smart Feller. I’m the boss of this operation, and I’m not an easy mare to please.” In emphasis, she casually bucked with one of her rear hooves at a thick log, which split into precise eighths and fell into a neat pile of wood behind her. She didn’t even glance back. Hoof gaped at her finesse. “Let’s see what you have to show me.”

Hoof was shown to a small stand of trees. He studied them for a long moment, then trotted forward and began. His tail tickled, and he cut one, loudly and proudly, with a huge buzzing noise that made all the birds in the forest take flight. Then he cut another one, and another! And as rapidly as he cut them, the trees lost all their leaves and fell behind him. Hoof swiftly blazed a trail through the woods, leaving a trail of steaming logs where he had passed.

“He seems to be a hard worker,” said Hierro approvingly. “And he has natural talent. What a breath of fresh air!”

Smart Feller nodded. “He’s the kind of pony who will never tire. He’s the one to hire!”

And so Hoof was put on the lumber crew. He quickly learned the ropes and put all his effort into becoming an asset to the lumber camp, and soon he was getting along with them and had made a place for himself.

Hoof threw himself into his work with determination, unaware that Smart Feller’s eyes were following him. She was too good a manager to shirk her responsibilities, but she found herself stealing glances at him when she could, and subtly arranging her schedule so she could keep part of an eye on him. One day she found herself watching him and singing softly…

“…why do birds fall out of the sky,
every time you walk by…?”

She knew she’d have to have a talk. And later that evening, as dinner around the campfire was winding up, she discreetly dropped him a note, and he met her later that night in a private clearing in the woods, where she declared her intentions to him.

Hoof was silent for a while, trying to find the words for his emotions. “Well, Smart, I like you a lot, and you’re very attractive, but… I came here to forget somepony…”

“So, let me help you to forget her,” she smiled and winked, in a way that usually encouraged a stallion to leave all his other distractions behind.

Hoof sighed. “I’m sorry, but I just can’t stop thinking about her. I can’t quite cut loose and just let it go.”

“Well… I understand, Hoof. And I can respect that. But…” She took hold of his chin and pulled his muzzle close to hers, piercing him with the intensity of her eyes. “I’m not ready to give up on you. If you change your mind, let me know. I can wait a while for a pony like you. You’ve cleared ample room for yourself in my heart.”

Hoof thanked her, but couldn’t think of anything else to say. Even his tummy was silent.

A week later at breakfast, Hoof overheard some crew members discussing an article in the paper about a ship that had gotten caught in the arctic ice. The crew had been close to running out of hope, but they had been saved by a heroic pony who had traveled by skis to their location and used her talent to free their ship from its deadly grip.

Hoof’s ears perked up. He inquired, and learned that the hero was indeed Ice Melted. Hoof snatched at the photo in the paper, and saw she was as beautiful as ever. Hoof sighed, dreaming of what he could do to win her attention. He saw that she was travelling to Canterlot to take part in an annual ceremony that honored unusually heroic citizens. But how could he ever go to Canterlot? It seemed an impossibility.

Smart Feller, at the other end of the table, saw Hoof mooning over the photo. She wanted to go to him, but it seemed his attention was firmly focused elsewhere. She sighed and grumbled instead, and left her plate of eggs and hayfries half finished.

The next day, the logging crew was revisiting an older section of forest adjacent to a swamp, where the trees had been allowed to regrow. They made quick work that morning, building a huge stand of logs for later transport.

Unknown to them, a menace lurked below. A rogue bogmonster had found its way into the swamp, and lain submerged for years. It hadn’t fed on a long time, and was hibernating while waiting for an opportunity…

As Smart, Hoof and Hierro took the lead in bringing down the trees, the vibrations ran through the ground and served as a signal. Without warning, there was a huge wet shlorking noise as the swamp itself seemed to rise into the air. With a gurgling howl, the bogmonster advanced on the logging crew! The stand of felled timber was pushed over, and tons of logs rolled over onto Smart Feller and Hierro, trapping them underneath. They kicked and bucked madly to free themselves, but it was slow going.

As the crew panicked, Hoof remained to face the beast. He stood bravely, a kamikaze look in his eye, a hint of the Divine Wind. Silent, deadly, he braved the storm, giving the others time to run to safety as the monster focused its attention upon him. He was naturally a courageous sort, but in the back of his mind he also hoped this could be the chance to melt Ice’s heart. With his teeth, he seized a burning brand from the campfire they’d set up to make coffee earlier, and thrust it up at the monster. “Back, back!” he shouted as best he could.

The creature leaned its neck over, snapped its jaws, and Hoof was swallowed down!

“Madre del Sol!” cried Hierro. “He’s lost!” He redoubled his efforts to buck himself free of the pile of timber. Smart Feller felt her heart and strength leave her body, but she strove on to accomplish what she could, smashing the morning’s hard work to splinters in a desperate attempt to free herself and go to Hoof’s aid.

The bog monster roared while rubbing its belly and went to chase after the fleeing crew, but a rumble inside it brought it up short. It stood up, poking and prodding at its tummy, but the sound got louder and its tummy grew and swelled. Soon the beast was rolling on its back in pain, and it groaned and moaned and gurgled until it finally burst in a bright explosion!

In the middle of the revolting crater stood a small dark figure, Hoof. Streaked in black soot and unmentionable globs of filth, he still held the flickering branch.

“Hoof!” shouted Smart as she broke free with a crash of bark and splinters. She ran to him in seconds. “Hoof, tell me you’re okay!”

Hoof nodded. “I think I’m all out of gas,” he murmured, and fainted, falling into her embrace.

It wasn’t long before news of the event made its way across Equestria, and notice was taken in Canterlot as well. Hoof received a parchment letter delivered by courier, honoring him for his heroism and calling him to court for a ceremony to reward great deeds, the very same ceremony at which Ice would be getting her award! Life felt as if it was coming together again; it was all building up inside him. He made his preparations to take leave of the camp, and Smart Feller swallowed the sick feeling inside her as she signed off on his papers.

With Hoof gone, the very air she breathed just wasn’t the same.

***

Two days later, the assembled honorees, including Hoof, were presented to the Diarchs in the Canterlot throne room, standing in a close row. As the chamberlain called the rolls and described the various deeds of the honorees to Celestia and Luna, Hoof was distracted by trying to get a glimpse of Ice, and without thinking his tail went all tickly again!

It was the loudest one yet. Echoes rolled throughout the voluminous arched vaults of the throne room, as the air became tinged as though by a green mist.

The guards remained impassive, professional and silent, though their nostrils quivered and their eyes reddened. The Royal Sisters stared at each other in wonder and concern, their snouts wrinkling.

At last, Luna snorted in amusement. “What clot-polled slubberdegullion could be responsible for this… this aeolian crepitation? ‘Tis as if the gates of Tartarus hath parted to exhale their mustiest and most sulphurous vapors!”

Celestia coughed gently. “Sister–”

“In the face of such a desolating and corruptive blast, ‘tis a wonder that Canterlot still clings to the mountainside! And yet as by a miracle the fundaments stand firm, the tall towers waver not, the gilt columns remain unpeeled, even under the assault of this spirit of rotteness, this zephyr of loathsome decay!”

“Sister–”

“We demand to know! Whence comes this mephitic stench that batters open the nostrils, this bitter, soul-draining chife, this reek of dismal and terrible distinction? In sooth, so thickly doth it overpower the air that it seems as though We can chew it!”

“Sister!” Celestia spoke rapidly while Luna was drawing breath. “By long and hallowed tradition, which doubtless arose at some point during your extended absence, it is held that the pony who complains most voiciferously and voluminously in circumstances such as these…” Celestia’s ears flattened, and she could not meet Luna’s gaze. “…is in fact… er, the same pony who caused the situation to arise…”

“FAUSTOOKS, TIA, THOU’RT ACCUSING ME?” For an instant, the Nightmare flared and shone in Luna’s eyes.

“’She who unearthed it, birthed it,’ is the saying, or so I understand,” replied a blushing Celestia.

“I thought it was ‘She who detected it, ejected it,’” muttered one of the guards.

“She who mooted it, tooted it,” replied another.

“She who portrayed it, laid it?” suggested the Chamberlain.

“She who noted it, floated it, perhaps?” said Celestia.

“She who regaled it, exhaled it. That’s how I always heard it,” said one of the honorees.

“She who smelled it, expelled it…?” said Luna, regaining her aplomb.

“She who bleated it, excreted it.” said another guard.

“She who speaks of it, reeks of it,” said Discord, poking his head down from the ceiling before disappearing.

“She who broadcast it, passed it,” said a passing maid.

“She who discussed it, is the one who done bust it,” said the Zebra ambassador.

Celestia sighed. “Let the windows be opened, regardless. Be assured, one more outburst like this and the throneroom shall be cleared!”

The introductory part of the ceremony was concluded, and the honorees were led away to the Chapel of the Sun where the awards would be given. Celestia herself conducted Hoof to an empty pew. “This one is reserved for you alone, my little pony,” she smiled.

“Gee, thank you, Princess!” cried Hoof. He found the exact center and sat right there.

A moment later, there was a gentle touch at his shoulder. He turned to see Ice Melted standing there. Hoof’s heart fluttered. Would she open her heart to him, or cruelly cast him aside?

“Hi, Hoof,” she said. He could see affection in her eyes, but not love, and the pain twisted inside him, striking towards the bottom of his soul.

“You were a real heartbreaker,” said Hoof sadly. “And me, I was always just a f—”

“You don’t have to say it, Hoof. And don’t put yourself down.” She smiled. “Ever since Mr. Pferdz got in trouble with the superintendant that day, I knew you were meant for something special. Both of us were. It just wasn’t for each other. I’m sorry it was so hard for you.”

Tears fell from Hoof’s eyes. “I never felt that anyone could blame me for trying to bring out the best that was in me. I suppose I could be praised for it, though, and that’s why I’m here now.” He pulled himself together; the ceremony would be starting soon. “We blasted our own paths through the world. But I was always hoping it would all come together—”

“Love wasn’t meant to be for us, Hoof… But friendship was. And I will be your friend until the very end. I hope that you will be mine.”

They hugged briefly, but just then Hoof was called forward to receive his award as the main ceremony began.

In due course Hoof was standing once more before Celestia herself as the medal of courage was placed around his neck in a golden glow

“We thus reward those of great courage whose first thought is always to protect others,” Celestia declaimed. “And we hereby declare Hoof, in matters of heroism, to be an honorary Master of— …Arts.”

Hoof left the Royal presence and walked to the back of the chapel as the next honoree was called up. His life had gone in such strange directions, ways he could never had dreamed. But now his old fantasies seemed like little more than puffs in the great breeze of reality.

As he gazed among the large crowd of relatives and well wishers, Hoof saw Smart Feller standing at the rear. She’d left the camp and traveled after him, borne by her forlorn yearning, and now she searched his face for a sign of hope.

Hoof closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and felt within him the immense pressure, the feelings of love he’d had for Ice Melted, the foalhood crush he’d carried with him for so long…

Then, with tears in his eyes, he let it all loose. It was like a torrent of bad spirits rushing out from him, easing his burdens, freeing him from a load he’d borne so long that he’d forgotten he was carrying it.

Hoof looked around. The crowd had mostly vanished. His family and friends were waiting, sniffling, with tears in their eyes. But towards the rear of the chapel, heading away with sad and sagging shoulders, was Smart Feller.

Hoof dashed after her as fast as his legs could carry him. “Smart! Wait!”

She paused and looked back, not yet daring to hope again…

“Smart!” He caught up with her and bumped his head against her side. “Smart… It’s not what you think. I’ve made my peace with Ice. She and I were on different paths in life. She’s found her own cloud and is writing her own story, just as I’m making my own, and you are making yours…” He smiled with sad eyes. “If it’s not too late… I’d like to share mine with you.”

Her lips trembled, then she seized him and hugged him, crying with joy. “I told you that you were worth the wait, Hoof,” she said, choking up. “However dark and stormy things get around us, I’ll be proud to share your cloud with you.”

And after that, it was like a fairy tale with a happy ending. Smart and Hoof were wed, and Hierro took ownership of the Hightail lumber camp while Smart and Hoof set up a new logging operation close to Saddlebrook. There, in love and working hard together, they built up a successful business, and constructed a comfortable cottage for themselves (with stainless steel ventilation systems, a louvered roof, and baked enamel paint on the walls) on the ancestral lands of the Hearted clan to raise their own family.

And there, Hoof was finally able to let go, without restraint, and he did. For home is the place where the most powerful of hearts find their fullest and unhindered expression.

Sequels!

Look for further adventures of Hoof Hearted in these upcoming stories!

This Porcelain Throne

The Life and Times of a Windy Pony, or The Incredibly Foul Emissions of Hoof Hearted

The Conturbulent Bureau

Displaced: A Massive Release

The Travelling Pooter and the Librarian

The Canterlot Deflation Agency

Flatulence is Optimal: Fog of Horse

Pflllrrrbbtht – Rainbow Dash flies east even faster.

Author's Note

If you liked the throneroom scene in this story, check out Mark Twain's 1601 for more of the same.

And, because I know that someone will ask for a glossary:

Clot-polled: having a head like a lump of earth or coagulated matter; a stupid person
Slubberdegullion: a worthless slob
Aeolian: relating to the wind
Crepitation: a rattling noise
Mephitic: Foul smelling and noxious. (The scientific family name for skunks is Mephitidae)
Chife: A piercing and horrid stench; a stink with personality (as used in the works of Jack Vance)
Zephyr: a breeze

Hierro: Brand
Herradura: Horseshoe