Itchy.

She didn’t even need to dwell on why she hated the idea of socializing for her skin to start gnawing on itself anymore. It was fully Pavlovian reflex at this point. The instant she entertained the concept, it screamed to be sliced open. It had been that way for a long time.

But Wallflower couldn’t do that. For one thing, Twilight would absolutely notice one of her razorblades went missing, and everyone in the apartment would know why. There was no way to hide it now, regardless of how hard she had tried.

That, and once they found out, there would be a lot of shouting and crying. That was always worse than the itch. So no, Wallflower couldn’t use anything else to cut, either. Somehow, Sunset always knew.

Sunset.

This torture was all her fault. Her and Twilight. We love you, Wally. I want to see you treat yourself better. You can tell them. You can trust our friends. It’ll be okay.

Words, sweeter and more painful than any blade she ever put against herself. As Wallflower Blush stared down the Mayhem server with over two dozen names, she regarded her laptop’s keyboard as the most terrifying thing she had ever seen in her life.

Itchy. Her trembling fingers frantically scratched at her skin. She can’t talk about this. She can’t. She can’t, she can’t, she can’t she can’t she can’t.

Twilight grunted softly as she shifted in her seat, diligently typing away on her own computer. Wallflower needed her. But she couldn’t bug Twilight while she was busy. Every time, she said she didn’t mind, but Wallflower wasn’t stupid. She knew what Twilight looked like when she was annoyed. Sunset was out making deliveries. And Sugarcoat was also at work, so they couldn’t help, either.

Even if they didn’t make fun of her on Mayhem, it’d just be another pity party. The last thing she needed was more people pitying her. Suddenly all thirty of them would know Wallflower was garbage, and three of those people were adults, and would try and make things easier for her. She didn’t deserve it. She didn’t want it. Itchyyyyyyyyyy.

The server channel #fluttershy’s-cottage stared at her, glowing dark grey. She wouldn’t be the first person to dump all their problems in there, sure. But all these were normal problems. Jupiter Jazz -- Lightning Dust’s username, because she was a giant weeb -- talking about how much she hated her little brother leaving junk food wrappers lying around and not flushing the toilet. This wasn’t the place for her, anyway. Nowhere was.

Wallflower, not for the first time, considered just leaving the server entirely. It wasn’t like she talked in it at all. Even that one other pony that looked like Twilight had sent a few messages, and they had only been here for a week! Who would notice?

Something on her shoulder. She flinched and turned to see it. A purple hand. Twilight. She gave Wallflower a smile. Twilight would notice. Sunset would notice, too.

Breathing. She had to breathe. Slowly. She’d started spinning out again like she always did. Breathe just like Twilight had taught her. She didn’t deserve either of them, but that was an argument that always went the same way.

Twilight scooted closer and held her other hand out. Offered it. Asked to touch her this time. Wallflower took her hand and held it tightly.

No. She had to do this. She trusted both her girlfriends, and if they said more people -- these people -- knowing would make it easier, then by god, she’d do it. One-handed, though. The only way she could is if Twilight was with her.

So she started typing, miserably slowly. Typed out every detail that had haunted her head about her self-harm habits and everything even tangentially tied to it. With every message sent, the knot in her chest grew tighter and tighter as she realized what a huge mistake this was. But she couldn’t stop. Everyone would see the notifications. Twilight was right next to her, squeezing the life out of Wallflower’s other hand. Her throat grew dry. Clammed up. It got hard to breathe again. Itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy.

She hit the enter key one final time and immediately flung herself into Twilight’s arms, eyes clamped shut. Trembling. She couldn’t look at the screen anymore halfway through there were probably so many typos. She couldn’t even. She couldn’t look. the idea of anybody responding made her want to shrivel up and roll into the trash can.

Twilight just held her tight. Stroked her hair. For an agonizing, eternal few minutes.

It’s over. It’s over. It’s all over. They’ll never invite me anywhere again. I know I never went but it was nice that they invited me.

Twilight was talking to her. She said something. Wallflower’s brain was too loud to hear her over. She dared to open her eyes and ask.

“Look.” Twilight’s arm pointed back at Wallflower’s laptop.

There was a new message there, from someone else.

DoomPrism420 (Today @ 16:37): i used to cut back in middle school

DoomPrism. Rainbow Dash. What. Rainbow Dash? This had to be a joke.

Another message. Somebody else.

Jupiter Jazz (Today @ 16:40): Same here. Only just kicked it for good a few months back.

Lightning Dust!? Okay yeah, sure, haha. The jocks think it’s funny and they’re bullying her. What did they have to feel bad about?

Almost instantly Rainbow had sent two more haphazardly typed messages.

"dang gurl; now i feel bad bc i managed to get it under control b4 high skool"

Someone new was typing. Fluttershy.

Does Fluttershy Is Gay??? (Today @ 16:43): Your scars healed really well JJ, I would never have known

Lightning responded in her considered, more grammatically sound way.

"lmao; No it was always on my thighs. They’re a horror show, just ask Ditzy." A brief lull. the notification popped in and out as she considered her next words. "But yeah, Wallflower, I totally feel you there. I just, needed to feel something most days, y’know? Other than adrenaline from soccer, I mean."

Quick as a flash, Rainbow Dash typed several responses, "and its like a control thing too; middle school was when my moms job took her all over the country so i was bouncing btwn schools and nothing ever felt like it was up 2 me; and cloudridge especially; all the ppl there are bigoted butthorns n i was miserable

The DoomPrism deluge continued. "finaly we moved here and mom got a new job; and also she and my dad found out and they sent me to therapy and i got to see shy again -- that first therapist sucked ass too; if it wasnt 4 shy i probly woldent (?) be here rn

This can’t be real, Wallflower thought. This has to be a prank!

She couldn’t help herself. She had to type it out.

tired (Today @ 16:48): are youguys making fun of me

The ever-ominous Several people are typing... appeared. Like always, Dash was first.

"no way dude"

Fluttershy next: "Oh my goodness, no!"

Lightning Dust perked up again as well. "No! I just figured you’d probably heard 'omg i’m so sorry for you' way too many times." An instant "same" from Rainbow followed.

Someone new. Applejack, Wallflower recalled.

cereal joke (Today @ 16:48): You ain’t seen the big scar on RD’s wrist like we have, sugarcube

Clearly proud of most anything about herself, Rainbow had something to say. "its pretty gnarly i gotta show you it sometime"

Was this actually happening? Wallflower's insides contorted in a different, unfamiliar gesture as the reality of what she was reading set in.

Lightning took the opportunity presented by the subsequent space. "For me it was just a lot. My dad constantly was like 'you gotta be number 1, if you ain’t first, you’re last.' Just that. All the time. It wasn't until he passed that I could actually like, relax? And start hanging out with people. And that was a big help."

"i probly shouldent say this but its not just us either", Rainbow resumed her blindingly quick and sloppy typing. "if rares was on she totally would be talking bout her deal with sewing needles

"basically dude its not freaky at all"

Lightning concurred. "Yeah, obviously it's not good for you but this is a group that will support you, because a lot of us know how it feels. Your prpl girlfriend seems too squeamish abt blood but I bet if you asked, she had a similar problem?"

Lavender hands wrapped around Wallflower tapped on a phone. Everything was getting blurry.

Midnight Sparkle (Today @ 16:52): I did, but she already knows.

"see ur among friends here; we always got ur back"

That was as much as Wallflower could read before the pressure in her head was too much. Usually her response to that was to take sleeping pills and nap it away. Because it wasn't safe to let it out. But she was in Twilight's embrace. Twilight wouldn't hurt her.

So she cried. She wailed and wept and sobbed and ruined her girlfriend's shirt with a deluge of long-denied tears.

She’d known for some time, intellectually, that she wasn’t the only person in the world who had done these things to herself. She just hadn’t thought talking about it would be anything less than catastrophic.

Of course Twilight and Sunset were right. She trusted them enough to live with them. She should know better than to doubt their wisdom.

And so Wallflower allowed herself to believe, for the first time in a very long time, as she bawled her eyes out and Twilight held and kissed her, that maybe it really would be okay.

Author's Note

tired (Today @ 17:18): thx everyone

tired (Today @ 17:18): really needed that i guess

~ D i a m a n t e ~ (Today @ 17:18): Oh, anytime, darling~!

DoomPrism420 (Today @ 17:18): yo rares

DoomPrism420 (Today @ 17:19): we should totes get wallflower into timeless tale with us

~ D i a m a n t e ~ (Today @ 17:19): While it was rather un-ideal that I was not the one to tell you of my struggles myself, what’s important is that it helped~! And I’ll gladly be of assistance, wittingly or no.

~ D i a m a n t e ~ (Today @ 17:19): Side-eyes DoomPrism

DoomPrism420 (Today @ 17:19): srsly

~ D i a m a n t e ~ (Today @ 17:20): We shall have to have a conversation about airing each others’ skeletons, it would seem.

DoomPrism420 (Today @ 17:20): u literaly just said u were happy it helped

DoomPrism420 (Today @ 17:20): w/e

~ D i a m a n t e ~ (Today @17:20): This time, I will abide it with little more than a reminder.

~ D i a m a n t e ~ (Today @ 17:21): But you digress, and I concur;

~ D i a m a n t e ~ (Today @ 17:21): Wallflower, dear, it seems Rainbow and I are of like minds! If meeting up in person is too daunting a task, would you be more receptive to joining us in the digital world?

tired (Today @ 17:22): sure i guess

tired (Today @ 17:22): i’m not good at games tho

DoomPrism420 (Today @ 17:22): dont sweat it gurl

DoomPrism420 (Today @ 17:22): tt11 is ez

cereal joke (Today @ 17:23): Heck, if it turns out it ain’t your cup of tea, we got tons of stuff you can try out

Does Fluttershy Is Gay??? (Today @ 17:23): I would love to have somebody new to play Bloody X with.

Several people are typing…

DoomPrism420 (Today @ 17:23): yea no ur not snaking in another victim shy

cereal joke (Today @ 17:23): whoa nelly

~ D i a m a n t e ~ (Today @ 17:24): Er, perhaps we should… ramp up to that level of intensity more gradually, Fluttershy?

Does Fluttershy Is Gay??? (Today @ 17:24): I need fresh meat

tired (Today @ 17:24): 0_0

Jupiter Jazz (Today @ 17:24): Yo, you play Bloody X Impact, Fluttershy??? We gotta square up, sometime.

~ D i a m a n t e ~ (Today @ 17:25): shudders

~ D i a m a n t e ~ (Today @ 17:25): The fact that you’re eager to play against her is perhaps more frightening than Fluttershy’s virtual bloodlust...