Testi d'Amore

by Duskwingmoth

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Equestria Girls, Suicide / Self Harm, Sunset Shimmer, Twilight Sparkle (EqG), Slice of Life, Wallflower Blush, Alternate Universe, Anthology
Length: 4590

Life in the human world is hard. Being yourself is hard. Being vulnerable is hard. The people you love can make it easier.

In the time since Sunset stumbled through the portal, a lot has changed. People (and ponies) aren't who they themselves thought they were. The trials of the self are always harrowing, but when you have friends and lovers to lean on, no ordeal is too great an undertaking.

CW: Self-harm (chapter 2; added as a tag because of its highly sensitive nature), dysphoria (chapter 3); will add more as needed and requested.

All grammatical errors in Chapter 2 are intentional, and all spelling errors are Rainbow Dash's fault.

Art by me!

:heart: 🏳️‍⚧️ :heart: 🏳️‍⚧️ :heart: 🏳️‍⚧️ :heart:

Published 2021-04-01 16:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-04-01 16:20:01 UTC

Sonnetto di Sunset (Toss A Coin To Your Pony)

“Yeah, I need a Double Wumbo Combo large with curly fries and Spritz, two orders of 20-piece nuggets with ranch sauce, and uhhhh, a Veggie Wumbo Burger for myself -- ring that up separate.”

Sunset Shimmer cringed as the voice from the speakerbox rattled her order back to her and tallied up a price tag that made her wallet cry. This crap should NOT be this expensive. A shouted affirmation, and she returned her gaze beyond the windshield, horribly annoyed with the long line of cars ahead of her, and how they sure did seem to enjoy not moving.

The former unicorn sighed, and with nothing to do, her mind wandered to a familiar proverbial street.

There were times, often, when Sunset considered going back to Equestria. Most of these times occurred while she was picking up orders, like now. Compared to how she’d lived in Canterlot, the human world had been a thoroughly humbling experience, and a stark reminder of exactly what she had been so fortunate to avoid before.

Three years ago (roughly; time was a bit finicky when you were considering Equestria and its parallel twin), Sunset Shimmer volunteered to enter the mirror, taking on the responsibility of investigating Starswirl’s impromptu prison and, if possible, returning any Equestrian natives to their origin world. In particular, Celestia and Luna were concerned about the fate of the long-banished Sirens, who they feared may have been wrongly sentenced by the mercurial wizard.

Sunset was briefly snapped out of her reverie by a honking car horn behind her, and cursed herself for failing to notice the line had moved up one car length. Always one step at a time, Sunset, no matter how slowly.

The mission to locate the Sirens wasn’t meant to be long-term, and yet with no home, no contacts, no magic, and no legal existence, the displaced unicorn would have been done for immediately without the bits she brought with her. Even still, the legal tender that gold got her would not have lasted her until Lumin and Luna devised the stabilized portal. Thus, Sunset entered the human world’s “gig economy”, and came to know exhaustion, worthlessness, and misery.

Being chronically poor sucked.

It was a stroke of luck that she had met the human Luna, really. The Vice Principal and her sister were no strangers to odd goings-on when it came to the statue in front of her school, and mercifully were as kind as the diarchs she knew. Without them, as before, Sunset would have been doomed.

If she were being honest, there was a lot she missed about her old life. Would be nice to not have to worry about running out of hot water again, that’s for sure. She couldn’t cook worth a hoot, and neither could any of her roommates, and suddenly she felt sympathy for that poor stallion who could never figure out omelettes in the royal kitchens. Even with the reconnection of the Gaian leylines underway, there still wasn’t a horn on her head, and while it was nice not bumping it into things anymore, that powerful, sturdy connection to magic was something she could never get over. Maybe she never will. Having to be the leading magic expert when she herself felt like she knew so little didn’t help.

And always, even with being able to write them any time, did she miss the Blessing-bearers, and the princesses (yes, even Cadance).

The line started moving. Sunset sighed, donned her face mask and moved up a place in the agonizingly slow WcDonald’s drive-thru. Everybody wanted to stuff their face today, it seemed.

Might as well check Mayhem, she thought, pulling out her phone.

Whenever these notions of leaving seeped into her mind, Sunset thought of all the people and confidants she had found here. A certain group of young adults made sure she didn’t miss the Blessing-bearers too much, in particular. She remembered the faces of her counterpart’s family when they first met her, how relieved they were that they could at least symbolically apologize to their daughter. Of the work she had begun, reunifying the split worlds, righting a wrong from before recorded history. And how she was a lodestone for her human friends, a pillar of the queer community in Canterlot City, someone that people looked up to, and how here, in this world, that was so much more important. But first and foremost, she thought of Twilight Sparkle and Wallflower Blush.

She saw their icons in Mayhem, and smiled her smitten smile. Hidden from the world, as it so often was, these days.

Surely Sunset’s absence was a familiar one in Equestria, by now. At this point it would be more strange for everypony if she came back. And to return there, to the marble halls atop Canterhorn, to those sun-dappled chambers stuffed with self-important ponies who rarely had an honest thaum in their body? There was no meaning there. There was no purpose. And her girlfriends couldn’t come with her. It would be a rejection of everything she was and what she felt was important. And as much as she loved Lumin like a brother, he didn’t need her, and he never had. Also that relationship was something that would be weird now, given she was regularly snogging with his interplanar twin and she did not feel like confronting that at all.

Sunset moved up the drive-thru line once more and shouted her given order over the engine again, just to make sure it was right. Bills changed hands, and her and the horribly fatigued fast-food worker proceeded to pretend neither one was there until the line finally moved again. Always one step at a time, no matter how slowly. Eventually her road, death-defyingly exhilarating or deathly boring, would lead back to them. Always.

She opened their private server. The Ponycule, they had called it, in a stroke of corny genius by Twilight, and let them know that, like always, the two of them were on her mind.

There were times, often, when Sunset considered going back to Equestria. But then she wouldn’t be home.

Author's Note

Toss A Coin To Your Pony (Today @ 14:07): sure u dont wanna come with me next time

tired (Today @ 14:07): Hmm nothx

Midnight Sparkle (Today @ 14:08): You know I have a lot of work to do msyelf, right?

Midnight Sparkle (Today @ 14:08): *myself

Toss A Coin To Your Pony (Today @ 14:08): sparky u can do ur work anywhere

Midnight Sparkle (Today @ 14:08): You would have all three of us too busy making out.

tired (Today @ 14:09): 0////0

Toss A Coin To Your Pony (Today @ 14:09): fair lol

Toss A Coin To Your Pony (Today @ 14:09): lov u both <33

tired (Today @ 14:09): <3

Midnight Sparkle (Today @ 14:11) I love you too, Sunny~.

Bolero di Blush (Rid of the Monsters Inside Your Head)

Itchy.

She didn’t even need to dwell on why she hated the idea of socializing for her skin to start gnawing on itself anymore. It was fully Pavlovian reflex at this point. The instant she entertained the concept, it screamed to be sliced open. It had been that way for a long time.

But Wallflower couldn’t do that. For one thing, Twilight would absolutely notice one of her razorblades went missing, and everyone in the apartment would know why. There was no way to hide it now, regardless of how hard she had tried.

That, and once they found out, there would be a lot of shouting and crying. That was always worse than the itch. So no, Wallflower couldn’t use anything else to cut, either. Somehow, Sunset always knew.

Sunset.

This torture was all her fault. Her and Twilight. We love you, Wally. I want to see you treat yourself better. You can tell them. You can trust our friends. It’ll be okay.

Words, sweeter and more painful than any blade she ever put against herself. As Wallflower Blush stared down the Mayhem server with over two dozen names, she regarded her laptop’s keyboard as the most terrifying thing she had ever seen in her life.

Itchy. Her trembling fingers frantically scratched at her skin. She can’t talk about this. She can’t. She can’t, she can’t, she can’t she can’t she can’t.

Twilight grunted softly as she shifted in her seat, diligently typing away on her own computer. Wallflower needed her. But she couldn’t bug Twilight while she was busy. Every time, she said she didn’t mind, but Wallflower wasn’t stupid. She knew what Twilight looked like when she was annoyed. Sunset was out making deliveries. And Sugarcoat was also at work, so they couldn’t help, either.

Even if they didn’t make fun of her on Mayhem, it’d just be another pity party. The last thing she needed was more people pitying her. Suddenly all thirty of them would know Wallflower was garbage, and three of those people were adults, and would try and make things easier for her. She didn’t deserve it. She didn’t want it. Itchyyyyyyyyyy.

The server channel #fluttershy’s-cottage stared at her, glowing dark grey. She wouldn’t be the first person to dump all their problems in there, sure. But all these were normal problems. Jupiter Jazz -- Lightning Dust’s username, because she was a giant weeb -- talking about how much she hated her little brother leaving junk food wrappers lying around and not flushing the toilet. This wasn’t the place for her, anyway. Nowhere was.

Wallflower, not for the first time, considered just leaving the server entirely. It wasn’t like she talked in it at all. Even that one other pony that looked like Twilight had sent a few messages, and they had only been here for a week! Who would notice?

Something on her shoulder. She flinched and turned to see it. A purple hand. Twilight. She gave Wallflower a smile. Twilight would notice. Sunset would notice, too.

Breathing. She had to breathe. Slowly. She’d started spinning out again like she always did. Breathe just like Twilight had taught her. She didn’t deserve either of them, but that was an argument that always went the same way.

Twilight scooted closer and held her other hand out. Offered it. Asked to touch her this time. Wallflower took her hand and held it tightly.

No. She had to do this. She trusted both her girlfriends, and if they said more people -- these people -- knowing would make it easier, then by god, she’d do it. One-handed, though. The only way she could is if Twilight was with her.

So she started typing, miserably slowly. Typed out every detail that had haunted her head about her self-harm habits and everything even tangentially tied to it. With every message sent, the knot in her chest grew tighter and tighter as she realized what a huge mistake this was. But she couldn’t stop. Everyone would see the notifications. Twilight was right next to her, squeezing the life out of Wallflower’s other hand. Her throat grew dry. Clammed up. It got hard to breathe again. Itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy itchy.

She hit the enter key one final time and immediately flung herself into Twilight’s arms, eyes clamped shut. Trembling. She couldn’t look at the screen anymore halfway through there were probably so many typos. She couldn’t even. She couldn’t look. the idea of anybody responding made her want to shrivel up and roll into the trash can.

Twilight just held her tight. Stroked her hair. For an agonizing, eternal few minutes.

It’s over. It’s over. It’s all over. They’ll never invite me anywhere again. I know I never went but it was nice that they invited me.

Twilight was talking to her. She said something. Wallflower’s brain was too loud to hear her over. She dared to open her eyes and ask.

“Look.” Twilight’s arm pointed back at Wallflower’s laptop.

There was a new message there, from someone else.

DoomPrism420 (Today @ 16:37): i used to cut back in middle school

DoomPrism. Rainbow Dash. What. Rainbow Dash? This had to be a joke.

Another message. Somebody else.

Jupiter Jazz (Today @ 16:40): Same here. Only just kicked it for good a few months back.

Lightning Dust!? Okay yeah, sure, haha. The jocks think it’s funny and they’re bullying her. What did they have to feel bad about?

Almost instantly Rainbow had sent two more haphazardly typed messages.

"dang gurl; now i feel bad bc i managed to get it under control b4 high skool"

Someone new was typing. Fluttershy.

Does Fluttershy Is Gay??? (Today @ 16:43): Your scars healed really well JJ, I would never have known

Lightning responded in her considered, more grammatically sound way.

"lmao; No it was always on my thighs. They’re a horror show, just ask Ditzy." A brief lull. the notification popped in and out as she considered her next words. "But yeah, Wallflower, I totally feel you there. I just, needed to feel something most days, y’know? Other than adrenaline from soccer, I mean."

Quick as a flash, Rainbow Dash typed several responses, "and its like a control thing too; middle school was when my moms job took her all over the country so i was bouncing btwn schools and nothing ever felt like it was up 2 me; and cloudridge especially; all the ppl there are bigoted butthorns n i was miserable

The DoomPrism deluge continued. "finaly we moved here and mom got a new job; and also she and my dad found out and they sent me to therapy and i got to see shy again -- that first therapist sucked ass too; if it wasnt 4 shy i probly woldent (?) be here rn

This can’t be real, Wallflower thought. This has to be a prank!

She couldn’t help herself. She had to type it out.

tired (Today @ 16:48): are youguys making fun of me

The ever-ominous Several people are typing... appeared. Like always, Dash was first.

"no way dude"

Fluttershy next: "Oh my goodness, no!"

Lightning Dust perked up again as well. "No! I just figured you’d probably heard 'omg i’m so sorry for you' way too many times." An instant "same" from Rainbow followed.

Someone new. Applejack, Wallflower recalled.

cereal joke (Today @ 16:48): You ain’t seen the big scar on RD’s wrist like we have, sugarcube

Clearly proud of most anything about herself, Rainbow had something to say. "its pretty gnarly i gotta show you it sometime"

Was this actually happening? Wallflower's insides contorted in a different, unfamiliar gesture as the reality of what she was reading set in.

Lightning took the opportunity presented by the subsequent space. "For me it was just a lot. My dad constantly was like 'you gotta be number 1, if you ain’t first, you’re last.' Just that. All the time. It wasn't until he passed that I could actually like, relax? And start hanging out with people. And that was a big help."

"i probly shouldent say this but its not just us either", Rainbow resumed her blindingly quick and sloppy typing. "if rares was on she totally would be talking bout her deal with sewing needles

"basically dude its not freaky at all"

Lightning concurred. "Yeah, obviously it's not good for you but this is a group that will support you, because a lot of us know how it feels. Your prpl girlfriend seems too squeamish abt blood but I bet if you asked, she had a similar problem?"

Lavender hands wrapped around Wallflower tapped on a phone. Everything was getting blurry.

Midnight Sparkle (Today @ 16:52): I did, but she already knows.

"see ur among friends here; we always got ur back"

That was as much as Wallflower could read before the pressure in her head was too much. Usually her response to that was to take sleeping pills and nap it away. Because it wasn't safe to let it out. But she was in Twilight's embrace. Twilight wouldn't hurt her.

So she cried. She wailed and wept and sobbed and ruined her girlfriend's shirt with a deluge of long-denied tears.

She’d known for some time, intellectually, that she wasn’t the only person in the world who had done these things to herself. She just hadn’t thought talking about it would be anything less than catastrophic.

Of course Twilight and Sunset were right. She trusted them enough to live with them. She should know better than to doubt their wisdom.

And so Wallflower allowed herself to believe, for the first time in a very long time, as she bawled her eyes out and Twilight held and kissed her, that maybe it really would be okay.

Author's Note

tired (Today @ 17:18): thx everyone

tired (Today @ 17:18): really needed that i guess

~ D i a m a n t e ~ (Today @ 17:18): Oh, anytime, darling~!

DoomPrism420 (Today @ 17:18): yo rares

DoomPrism420 (Today @ 17:19): we should totes get wallflower into timeless tale with us

~ D i a m a n t e ~ (Today @ 17:19): While it was rather un-ideal that I was not the one to tell you of my struggles myself, what’s important is that it helped~! And I’ll gladly be of assistance, wittingly or no.

~ D i a m a n t e ~ (Today @ 17:19): Side-eyes DoomPrism

DoomPrism420 (Today @ 17:19): srsly

~ D i a m a n t e ~ (Today @ 17:20): We shall have to have a conversation about airing each others’ skeletons, it would seem.

DoomPrism420 (Today @ 17:20): u literaly just said u were happy it helped

DoomPrism420 (Today @ 17:20): w/e

~ D i a m a n t e ~ (Today @17:20): This time, I will abide it with little more than a reminder.

~ D i a m a n t e ~ (Today @ 17:21): But you digress, and I concur;

~ D i a m a n t e ~ (Today @ 17:21): Wallflower, dear, it seems Rainbow and I are of like minds! If meeting up in person is too daunting a task, would you be more receptive to joining us in the digital world?

tired (Today @ 17:22): sure i guess

tired (Today @ 17:22): i’m not good at games tho

DoomPrism420 (Today @ 17:22): dont sweat it gurl

DoomPrism420 (Today @ 17:22): tt11 is ez

cereal joke (Today @ 17:23): Heck, if it turns out it ain’t your cup of tea, we got tons of stuff you can try out

Does Fluttershy Is Gay??? (Today @ 17:23): I would love to have somebody new to play Bloody X with.

Several people are typing…

DoomPrism420 (Today @ 17:23): yea no ur not snaking in another victim shy

cereal joke (Today @ 17:23): whoa nelly

~ D i a m a n t e ~ (Today @ 17:24): Er, perhaps we should… ramp up to that level of intensity more gradually, Fluttershy?

Does Fluttershy Is Gay??? (Today @ 17:24): I need fresh meat

tired (Today @ 17:24): 0_0

Jupiter Jazz (Today @ 17:24): Yo, you play Bloody X Impact, Fluttershy??? We gotta square up, sometime.

~ D i a m a n t e ~ (Today @ 17:25): shudders

~ D i a m a n t e ~ (Today @ 17:25): The fact that you’re eager to play against her is perhaps more frightening than Fluttershy’s virtual bloodlust...

Minuetto di Midnight (The Girl Who Sold The World)

In the shade of the early morning, a mulberry-skinned body stirred. Carefully, it rose, doing its best not to disturb its tangled sleeping partners. Softly as it could in its half-awake state, it creeped gently down from the loft and into Sunset’s bathroom.

Lights were flicked on, with bulbs recently replaced by a Twilight Sparkle, the girl who had done her best to pilot this vessel of lavender flesh. She was not who was in control right now.

The twin souls who shared this body both winced at the sight in the mirror. That indigo fuzz was back again. It would continue to infest their shared face every morning until laser surgery was an option, and that wouldn’t be for quite a while. Stupid genetics.

At least Midnight Sparkle had the pills. At least that.

Midnight wasn’t a new resident of this body, really. She had always been there; never truly herself, even now, but there nonetheless. Twilight Sparkle, as she wanted to call herself for now, had simply not been aware of the part of her that was Midnight. What she represented.

Midnight applied shaving cream and took the razor in hand. She would banish this unwelcome masculinity as many times as it took.

When the Umbral magic first shook her awake, it was a rush of furious and disparate sensations. The therapist classified it as dysphoria-induced dissociative identity disorder. Which sounded wrong, after Twilight and Midnight had ruminated on the matter themselves. For one thing, the two of them found they were usually in agreement, and shared much of the same interests and morals. For two, neither of them experienced the "lapse of consciousness" that was apparently characteristic of the diagnosis. Really there wasn’t anything approaching “disorderly” about their arrangement.

A faint flash of pain. She’d nicked herself. Maybe it was better not to get lost in thought while a sharp object was in their hand.

Midnight continued shearing the hairs off her face with her full attention. A few minutes and a treated cut later, she was graced with smooth skin once more.

It had initially scared Twilight to see how driven Midnight was. The intellectual pursuits that she’d lost herself in for all her life were secondary to her twin. What mattered was destroying this cocoon of false boyhood that had shackled the two of them, and embracing everything that made her feel good; energetic, lascivious, sociable; if there was a feminine way to be these things, it had to be taken and maintained, and damn anybody who had a problem with it, because it would happen immediately.

Sunset had talked her down from using magic for this. At least until she had come to understand it better. And she was right, it wouldn’t do to just barrel into a field she had no experience with. The problem with that was precisely how Twilight and Midnight were to go about changing that. Because to learn of magic, they would have to interact with their pony parallel.

Midnight stepped out of the bathroom and over to open Sunset’s mini-fridge. Definitely need to get her a bigger one, Twilight thought.

Midnight nodded, frowning at the shelf-full of energy drinks where actual food should be. Definitely. With a sigh, she closed the fridge and made the executive decision that she was the one who would have the last apple. She bit into the fruit hungrily, chewing as quietly as one can chew a red delicious, as she turned to the full window overlooking the street.

Midnight smirked. You think Applejack tastes like apples?

A sputtering echoed in their mind. Twilight was incredibly easy to fluster.

Y-you’re avoiding the topic!

And? You don’t want to talk to him either.

I…

In the glass, Midnight saw her passenger falter. But she was right.

At some point they would have to confront Luminant Spark.

The pony who had everything they both had wanted; knowledge, prestige, meaningful friendships, a smoking hot girlfriend apparently, and, most importantly, natural femininity. He had even been given Twilight's chosen name at birth. That he had chosen to reject.

How were either of them supposed to feel about seeing yourself, a perfect synthesis of the both of them, and yet in reverse? They called him a mare, and he didn’t want it. Heck, if he was to be believed, his own version of Shining Armor had been called a stallion and didn’t want it either! What did that say about their own brother?

He was an existential crisis far worse than having a plurality of voices in your head. And he held all the answers to making their transition a permanent, low-maintenance one.

Academically, they both knew it was only a matter of time before the desire to truly physically embody womanhood outweighed the extreme spiritual discomfort of having to actually live the worst thing since looking in the mirror. The issue Twilight worried about was that Midnight would absolutely snuff her out while she kept waffling on it.

We would both still get what we wanted.

And I would be gone.

I’d keep you around long enough to feel what it’s like.

But what then? I won’t be satisfied just living the hedonistic lifestyle you want.

Prude.

We have so much more potential beyond just being that one hot girl, though!

Eh. I’d probably get around to all that science crap whenever I got bored.

Whenever you got bored!?

A second tart mouthful of fruit. The sky gradually turned from black to blue. The passenger was becoming distraught.

There’s a lot of things about Lumin that freak me out, but the fact that he can be everything he ever wanted to be isn’t one of them!

He wasn’t the one denied any of it for 18 years.

You don’t know that!!

I don’t. But I do. And I won’t be snubbed again.

Tears were rolling down Midnight’s cheeks. They made the cut sting. She remained stoic.

Please… I know you’re going to be stronger than me. I know one day it’ll be you in control and I’ll just melt into you. I’m okay with that. I’m okay with being a part of you instead of the other way around. But if you’re willing to be that flippant about something that brought us solace when we needed it, made us feel worthwhile, what will happen when our relationship gets routine...? Will that bore you?

Midnight’s brow furrowed. Another bite.

This is the happiest we’ve been in our entire life, and I’m committed to these girls for as long as they’re committed to me. To us. I don’t want you to risk throwing it away because you'd rather avoid being uncomfortable for a little while longer. If I have to “die”, I’d rather do right by us in the process…

Silence. Only the soft snores of their roommates dared slither through the dawn. The sky grew ever brighter.

Sunset yawned loudly from the loft, beating her alarm to the punch for once. Golden sunlight warmed the apartment. “Mornin’ Sparky.” A lethargic pause. “Up awful early on a weekend.”

A noncommittal grunt as the body scrolled through Birdsong. Lavender ears heard rustling, and another yawn. Wallflower was up, too. That only left Sugarcoat still asleep, nestled below the loft on a much smaller mattress. Quiet was still necessary.

“Sunset…” The pilot spoke. Footsteps from one girl, a soft whine from another.

“Yeah?” She had crossed the floor and was extracting something from the minifridge. Another energy drink, probably.

Twilight finally turned to look at her, blushing at the sight of her girlfriend’s butt. “Can I borrow your journal for a bit?”

The golden-skinned girl looked up at her and smiled. “Sure.”

Author's Note

Dear Luminant Spark,

So do I just wave a magic wand and shout “Genitalia Inverta”, or what?

Your mirror twin, Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I wish.

Your magic tutor, Luminant Spark