"By us, The Princesses of Night and Day! That is one ugly pony!" Luna exclaimed quietly as she spotted the hideously colored fluorescent beacon of technicolor nightmares stroll through the large twin doors at the entrance to the throne room. The guards that flanked the entrance could barely contain their stomachs at the sight of him, and struggled to remain on their hooves.
"Luna! What did I tell you about decorum? Even if it has been one thousand years, you still have to use some form of discretion, especially around our more sensitive subjects," Celestia whispered back a little harder than she would have liked. One did not show such personal feelings while in court, but she was not amused by Luna's lack of tact.
Luckily the pony was still quite a distance away, giving Celestia hope that the incoming pony did not hear her sister’s remark.
"But Tia, just look at him! He's ugly! He's uglier than ugly! He's hideous! He's awful! He's poison to the eyes! He's a visual insult! He's... he'... fugly!" Luna insisted, pressing the point home, "Yes, that's quite right. He's fugly."
"Fugly?"
"Fugly."
"What does that even mean, Lu-Lu?" Celestia asked, curious as to why she had never heard of such a term.
"It means 'Foribiddenly Ugly' or ‘Frightfully Ugly’ or ‘Freakishly Ugly’ or ‘Fantastically Ugly’ or-”
“I think I get it...” Celestia grunted urging her sister to proceed that point.
“Oh... um... it's a term that I've heard colts and fillies say in the play areas around Canterlot. They were using it to insult one another in a manner not to dissimilar to playing pranks on one another. However, in this instance, it would be safe to say that I am not." Luna silenced herself as the pony walked up to their thrones and bowed elegantly. Despite herself, Luna looked on the pitifully ugly pony with a tinge of regret at her words.
"What is your name, my little pony?" Celestia asked with that tenderness she always used.
"Buck Ugly." The pony's voice had a hard nasal-grating sound to it, as well as a deep gutter undertone that had a rough texture to the sound. Like someone trying to cough through their nose and belch at the same time. The kind of voice you’d expect from a cockatrice drowning in a pool of tar, "My friends call me Ugly."
"I wonder why..." Celestia said under her breath.
"Oh, that's because I'm ugly," Ugly replied informatively.
Celestia facehoofed.
"Ugly... may I call you Buck?" Luna continued, stifling a small snicker.
"Of course, Your Highness," Ugly replied bowing low, "that would be an honor."
"How... how did you come to be this... ugly, Buck?"
"My mother was a supermodel, and my father was a strong, chiseled workpony. His name was Big Mustang. My mother was named Run Way," Ugly informed the two princess. He smiled revealing a row of browning, rotting teeth, "She was a runway model. So, I'm not actually sure how I came to be this ugly. I was just born this way."
"Oh," Celestia looked at that mouth seeing the huge gaping cavities and wondering how there were ever teeth there in the first place, "you poor thing."
"Naw, it's okay. I'm used to it now." He smiled, "Besides, if I were pretty I’d have to stop working as a scarer at Lunar Mountain."
"Lunar Mountain?" Celestia looked at her sister with a raised eyebrow.
"Oh, Tia, it is simply the most wonderful place! I do love going there... when I'm not busy with my duties, of course." Luna added the second half quickly. A little too quickly for Celestia's liking.
"What is this Lunar Mountain?" Celestia asked.
Ugly smiled that brown decayed smile once again. Celestia tried to hide the disgust that threatened to make her to throw up, "Only the best amusement park in Equestria." He tried to give a suave expression, but it looked more like he was constipated and had trouble relieving himself, "I work in the haunted house as a scarer. The best scarer, mind you. Nopony goes by me without screaming like a little filly."
"Oh. That... makes sense..." Celestia replied trying to sound neutral.
"Ugly," Luna ignored the angry look from her sister, "you have come to us and requested an audience. What is it you wish?"
"I have come to ask that you make ponies love and tolerate each other more. There are plenty of racial tensions between the Earth ponies, the Pegasi and the Unicorns. In many smaller towns and villages they all get along quite well, but in large cities such as here in Canterlot and Manehattan -- where I'm from, it can get pretty rough," the ugly pony replied, "Is it possible to make the ponies in these cities to learn to love and tolerate each other on a higher level? My wish is to make the ponies of all races love each other in much the same way we all love you. My wish is for more love and tolerance."
Celestia and Luna looked at one another.
"That's... difficult," Celestia began, "a spell like that would be practically impossible. To change so many minds, to alter so many forces, to try and unite ponies while at the same time making them aware that this is the right thing to do..."
"It is a monumental task!" Luna replied on her sister's behalf, "Not to mention unethical and wrong. One thing we pride ourselves in is our ability to allow our subjects to live their lives freely. To be the best pony they can be, to find their lovers with their own merit, to reach out and choose their own destinies. Surely you do not want to sacrifice such a wonderful and beautiful gift. Free-will is one of the foundations of our utopian society. What good would changing that do? Obedient, docile ponies? Without conflict, we cannot better ourselves."
Ugly sighed, "But what about all the fights? Ponies harming one another because they think themselves better and superior to the others just because one can fly, or the other can use magic actively? Wouldn't it be better if the ponies just all got along?"
"I'm sorry, Ugly - er - Buck," Celestia wanted to kick herself for calling her subject that, "but Princess Luna is quite correct. It is possible, but difficult, and very unethical and wrong. We cannot do this in good conscience. It would go against much of what we've strove to build." Celestia sighed, "I'm sorry, but that's final. Do you wish for something else?"
"Oh." The pony thought and thought. Then, he thought some more. After much thinking and contemplating, he nodded and opened his mouth, "Can you make me beautiful?"
Luna and Celestia looked at each other, then back at Ugly.
"Let's take another look at that love and tolerance wish..."
Buck Ugly
I feel ugly,
Oh so ugly,
I feel ugly and gritty all day,
And I pity,
Any pony who spots me today.
It's disarming,
So disarming,
It's alarming how disarming I feel,
And so ugly,
That I hardly can believe I'm real.
See the ugly colt in that mirror there?
Who can that hideous colt be?
Such a ugly face,
Such a ugly chest,
Such a ugly smile,
Such a ugly me!
It is stunning,
And so vexing,
Feel like running,
And hiding my head,
For I'm hated,
And every pony wants me dead.
Everypony else
Have you seen that ugly Buck?
The ugliest colt on the block?
You'll know him the minute you see him,
He's the one who puts you in an advanced state of shock,
He knows he's frightful,
He knows he's a pain,
He is so scary,
He'll drive you insane,
It must be from heat,
Or some rare disease,
Let's all retreat,
His lips like feces,
Keep away from him,
Send for the Guard!
This is not a pony we know,
Normal and pure,
Polite with hygiene,
Not stink like manure,
Or decaying gangrene!
Buck Ugly, Buck ugly, you ugly beast!
Take a shower, get surgery or leave us in peace!
Buck Ugly
I feel ugly,
Oh so ugly,
That the city should ban me from here,
A committee,
Should be organized to exile me.
I am dizzy,
I am grisly,
I am filthy and foul like a swine,
And so ugly,
Princess Celestia should resign.
See the ugly colt in that mirror there (What mirror, where?),
Who can that atrocious colt be? (Which, what, where, whom?)
Such an ugly face,
Such an ugly flank,
Such an ugly haunch,
Such a ugly me!
Buck Ugly & Everyone
It is stunning,
And so vexing,
Feel like running,
And hiding my head,
For I'm hated,
And every pony wants me dead.
Author's Note
Inspired by my wife, who was singing 'I feel pretty, oh so pretty...' while I didn't feel pretty at all.
