The Offer

by AlwaysDressesInStyle

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Cozy Glow, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance
Length: 1153

Princess Mi Amore Cadenza has a problem, and there's only one pony who can help her with it... Unfortunately, it's Cozy Glow.

Princess Mi Amore Cadenza has a problem, and there's only one pony who can help her with it...

Unfortunately, it's Cozy Glow.

An April Foal's Day crackfic.

Published 2021-04-01 04:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-04-01 04:10:00 UTC

Valid Only In The Crystal Empire; Void In All Other Territories

Four Hundred Miles North of Everywhere, in a land of ice and snow, lies a mighty nation that the locals refer to as the Crystal Empire. The nickname is a bit of a misnomer, as Yakyakistan is even farther north, but, to be fair, the Bureau of Tourism came up with the nickname before Yakyakistan reopened its borders.

The Crystal Empire is ruled over by Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and her husband, Shining Armor. It’s the former who’s standing hock deep in snow, dozens of miles from the protection of the Crystal Heart. Far from her nation’s borders, in wilderness that belongs to Equestria in name only, she mentally prepares herself for the task ahead of her. A task so reprehensible, she’s neglected to mention it to her fellow princesses, knowing none of them would approve of her actions. But she’s a desperate mare, and desperation drives ponies to consider options the sane would ignore.

Before her rests the mortal remains of ponykind’s most infamous traitor. Precocious, adorable child, megalomaniac, and would-be Empress of Friendship: Cozy Glow. A pony so despised and feared by her fellow equines, that she was petrified for her crimes. However, there’s nothing intimidating about the filly’s statue, forever frozen in an instant of terror as she realized what was happening to her.

Some would argue that stone is too good for her; that she should instead be executed lest she ever escape. Others quietly whisper that imprisoning a filly is a strange change of pace from the normal reformations favored by the princesses of Equestria. Those whispers are just that, whispers, and not said in the presence of others. Questioning an alicorn is blasphemy. Everyone is in agreement, however, that Equestria is better off without the vile villain.

The only being who would dare defy the will of two alicorns and the immortal spirit of chaos is another alicorn. An alicorn who cares little for the filly in front of her, regardless of her own status as the Princess of Love. Her love is neither universal nor unconditional, and she’s never met the filly in front of her. If not for a need so pressing that her very nation is dependent on her success, she wouldn’t even give Cozy Glow a second thought.

But her situation is dire, and she’s run out of other options. Like it or not, the filly has a proven set of useful skills. But that’s no reason to be careless about what must be done. Cozy Glow won’t get far if she tries to escape. Assuming, of course, that a pegasus filly could somehow overpower a fully-grown alicorn. Perhaps the remote location is instead intended to keep them away from prying eyes.

The princess has wasted enough time. Tapping her horn on Cozy Glow’s forehead, she channels the magic of love, a power stronger than that of even friendship. A power she’ll never inform Cozy Glow of, lest she try to corrupt love as she had friendship. Slowly the filly’s stony exterior cracks and flakes off, leaving Cozy Glow dazed on her back in the endless tundra.

There’s only one word that can express her whirlwind of emotions. Her joy at being released. Her anger at the fate that had befallen her. Her disappointment in failing. Her annoyance towards the incompetence of her coconspirators. Her confusion at laying in snow as deep as she is tall. Her fear of what is to come next. Only one word can sum it all up appropriately.

“Golly.”

The alicorn looms over the filly, as menacingly as a bright pink pony with a heart on her flank can. She’s not particularly intimidating. But she’s bigger. Stronger. More experienced. Hopefully smarter. The time for indecision is past. The die has been cast, and the consequences must be dealt with. Her horn glows, and Cozy is restrained against the snow.

“Do you know why I’ve released you?”

“Because you’re the Princess of Love, and you love your little ponies so much that you can’t bear to imprison a cute little filly in stone forever and ever?”

Cadance snorts. “Not a chance. No, I find myself in need of a pony of your skills.”

Cozy smiles. “Oh gosh! You want to abdicate and make me princess!”

“Keep dreaming.”

“Military advisor?”

Cadance clears her throat. “You do know who my husband is, right?”

“Shining Armor, former Captain of the Royal Guard.”

“As you can see, that position is already filled.”

“In my defense, I’ve dealt with the Royal Guards. I’ve battled against better.”

The princess taps a hoof to her chin. “Point. Score one for the villain. No, Cozy, you’re the only pony with your particular skillset: you're an adolescent filly with no friends or family that’s completely expendable. As you know, I have a daughter, a beautiful foal by the name of Flurry Heart. Now that her Crystaller, Sunburst, is vice-headmare at the School of Friendship, I’m in need of a royal babysitter. After some…unfortunate incidents…we’ve run out of ponies willing to take the job.”

“What?!? That’s what you think I’m good at?”

“You’ve proven competent, and adept at serving others when it benefits your own interests. I believe your freedom is relevant to your interests, is it not?”

“It is. Are you going to petrify me again if I refuse?”

“No.”

“In that case, go pound snow.”

“Just so you know, we’re forty-five miles from the Crystal Empire, in the middle of a blizzard, and you don’t even know what direction to start walking in. I have no reason to take you back with me. But you’re a cunning and resourceful filly. I’m sure that’s not even a minor setback to you. I bet you’ve already figured a way out of this mess.”

Cozy sighs and stares at the snow beneath her hooves. “I’ve reconsidered your very generous offer and have decided to accept your terms.”

“I knew you’d come to the logical conclusion. Look on the bright side – it’s all the pizza you can eat, and if you survive until Flurry reaches the age of majority, we can discuss other options for you.”

“And if I don’t?”

“You’ll be given a full pardon, posthumously. But if you so much as harm a single hair on my daughter’s coat… Well, let’s just say by the time I’m done with you you’ll beg for petrification.”

“Don’t hurt the kid, got it. What about attempted hostile takeovers of the Crystal Empire?”

“You drive a hard bargain. One takeover attempt per calendar year. Please note you've already used up your solitary attempt for this year. If nothing else, it’ll keep Shining Armor from stagnating.”

“Anything to help!”

“Uh-huh. Try not to hurt his ego. I’ll never hear the end of it if he gets beaten by a nine-year old.”

“Hey! I’m eleven!”

Author's Note

Story Notes: https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/943026/story-notes-the-offer