Boot To The Head

by Melody Song

Rating: teen
Tags: Ocellus, Comedy, Profanity, Thorax, Pharynx, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Drama, Original Character
Length: 2699

Hero and Melody are trying to have a nice day in playing with their nymphs, but an argument between their friends causes them to step in, and things escalate quickly to...boot weaponry?

Hero and Melody were just playing with their little nymphs, trying to enjoy a day inside, but they're distracted by the sounds of their friends having a very loud argument outside. Hero would rather chase them off but Melody has a better idea...one that involves teaching their friends a valuable lesson in disturbing the peace that might also get them to apologize.

Co-Written by MlpHero (go check out his awesome stories!)

Idea for this story is heavily based on A Moment With Brawny by Dr. Wolf, Brawny Buck, and others

Published 2021-03-31 21:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-03-31 21:50:00 UTC

...Many, Many Boots

Hero and Melody watched three little nymphs roll and tumble around on the floor of their home's nursery. Melody giggled and nuzzled the smallest one, nudging him closer to his siblings.

“Heh… still getting the hang of their legs?” Hero asked, and Melody nodded.

“They’ll probably be crawling for a little longer, but it’s cute.”

“True, true. I mean, Luzie just got out of his larvae form.”

“Mhm, and Valor and Valeria look like they’re going to get their wings going first.”

“Ooh.”

“Heh, well, look at the way they’re buzzing them!” Melody exclaimed, pointing.

Hero looked over, noticing Valeria was about an inch off the ground, before plopping back down. Melody giggled and lifted her up, nuzzling her.

“Hehehehe! Mahmah…” Valeria giggled.

“Mhm! Mama.” Melody told her happily.

Before Valeria could respond, there was a loud noise outside-many loud noises. Luz squeaked and knocked over the blocks he and Valor were playing with. Valeria began crying and wailing at the noise.

Hero growled and looked out the window. “Who the— oh.”

Melody set Valeria down, giving her a bottle, then went to the window. “Seriously?”

Outside, a group of certain changelings were arguing. Melody went back to comfort the nymphs, glaring at the scene outside the window.

“Honey, grab my shotgu—”

“Hero, you’re not killing them.”

“Aw…”

“But, I do have another idea that will also cause them pain.” Melody said, and Hero beamed.

“Yay!”

“Heheh, mhm. Go grab your combat boots and meet me outside-along with any other boots you may find.” Melody instructed, and Hero blinked.

“Uh… okay?”

“Trust me.” Melody winked at him, setting the nymphs down and heading for the door. “This is gonna be fun…”

~~~

The two stepped out, Hero carrying the nymphs on his back. Outside, Thorax was standing before an arguing group of changelings, consisting of Pharynx, Ocellus, Apex, Dagger, and Zenex.

“Ladies, ladies! Who pissed in your soup and why are you outside our house?” Hero demanded.

“Oh, hey Hero.” Pharynx said calmly, then turned back to his argument with Dagger.

“What’s going on?” Hero asked again

“I don’t know.” Thorax sighed. “We moved outside because they looked ready to tear the hive apart.”

“Oh. Well, why are you at our house? We’re trying to raise a family.” Hero said, glaring at him.

“I thought if we could go back to where the argument started, they could show me what happened instead of jumping on each other’s explanations… but we weren’t able to get there.” Thorax explained, sighing.

“Oh, well I thin—”

“I’s all Dagger’s faul’!” Apex cut Hero off, voice raising. Hero blinked.

“Wait, wha—?”

“Oh come on! Ocellus is the one to blame!” Dagger accused

“Guys, calm dow—” Hero tried again

“I thought it was a joke!” Ocellus insisted

“Guys—”

“Jokes are supposed to be funny.” Pharynx snarled

“Heh… at least the shipping was delicious.” Dagger chuckled, making Zenex blush.

“H-Hey!!”

“Shu’ i’ Dag!” Apex exclaimed, hugging Zenex.

“Oh, now you’re just being spoiled bra—” Dagger started to say.

A loud bang the group jump. However, it only fazed them for a minute before they continued firing insults.

Hero blinked, looking at his pistol. “Huh…”

“Here, let me try.” Melody told him.

“Okay…?”

Melody cleared her throat, then slammed her hoof on the ground. “Ten-hut!”

Pharynx and Dagger’s ears perked and they immediately made the others line up alongside them.

“If you don’t want another ten hours in the field you bette-wait, this isn’t training, what gives?” Pharynx asked, looking over at them.

“Huh. Neat.” Hero remarked, and Melody giggled.

“Yeah, honestly I wasn’t sure that would work… anyway, you guys clearly need a mediator… or two mediators.”

“A what?” Dagger asked in confusion.

“A mediator. Otherwise known as someone who can help get to the bottom of the problem and find a solution everyone can agree on.” Melody explained, and Dagger tilted his head.

“Wait, wouldn’t that be a negotiator?”

“No, and if you must know I can just buy you a dictionary later. First, we need to solve this argument.”

“Yeah. What happened?” Hero asked, and Pharynx immediately pointed at Dagger.

“It’s all Dag-”

“Nope! Not starting another fight with this, shut up Phar.” Melody cut him off.

“Let’s try like this. What happened first? Like, how’d it start?” Hero asked them.

“Uh, well… i’ kin’a s’ar’ed all a’ the same time I think…” Apex said

Hero facehoofed. “I mean, what were you all doing before the argument?”

“The whole thing was an argument, now can I go? I wanted to get a book from the town library.” Ocellus said, looking down the path leading into the town.

Hero pumped a shotgun. “I’m sorry, you’re what now?”

Melody took Hero’s hoof and grabbed the gun. “Hero, I have a better idea. Remember those things I asked you to grab? They will now be useful.”

“What? These?” He pulled the sack of boots over.

“Yep. But first… Thorax, would you mind taking the nymphs inside and putting them in their room?”

“Okay?” He picked up the three nymphs and walked into the house.

“Uh, wha’ was tha’ for?” Apex asked them, and Melody stepped over to him, grinning.

“Apex! Thanks so much for volunteering to go first!”

“Wai’, wha—”

“So, what is it you would like to gain out of this fight?” Melody asked him.

“Uhh…” Apex thought for a bit. “I guess repaymen’ for the s’uff Dagger des’royed with his s’upid prank, do you know how expensi’e the res’uran’ we were a’ was?!”

“Well next time, choose a cheaper restaurant! You guys are kids, why would you eat somewhere that expensive?!” Dagger asked in exasperation.

“I’s called a’mosphere, Dagger, hear’ of i’-”

“Ahem.” Melody said, calling their attention back to her.

“What?!” Dagger snapped at her.

Melody ignored him and turned back to Apex. “I see your point Apex, and for fighting with Dagger instead of accepting his sense of humor… I will grant you…”

“A prize?!” Apex asked eagerly.

“-A boot to the head!”

“Wai’, wha—”

Melody pulled a boot out from the bag and tossed it at Apex, knocking him to the ground.

The others let out a pain-filled groan, turning away.

“Holy s[beep]t that was awesome!” Hero exclaimed, and Melody chuckled.

“Heheh, oh, and one for his boyfriend.”

“Wait, no—”

Melody tossed another one, knocking Zenex down beside Apex.

“Ha! Get f[beep]ked b[beep]tch!” Dagger exclaimed.

Melody giggled, as Thorax peeked out from the house.

“Uh, is everything okay out here?” Thorax asked nervously.

“She hi—” Zenex tried to say, but Hero cut him off.

“We’re fine. Just watch the nymphs. And make sure they don’t get into the rat poison.”

Thorax gasped and ran back inside, and Melody giggled, smiling at Hero.

“Heheh, there is no rat poison.”

“Meaning we better hurry before he figures that out.” Melody reminded him, turning back to the others. Dagger was laughing at the nymphs.

“Heheheheh, you two got owned.” Dagger chuckled.

“Yeah, serves you right.” Pharynx grinned.

“And with that we turn our attention to Pharynx.” Melody said, and he jumped.

“Wait, why?”

“How did you get involved in this, for starters?”

“Uh…” he thought. “Well, Apex told me he and Zenex were going out so, well, I decided to follow them and make sure they’d be okay, and then after that fiasco of a prank, Dagger tried to use me as a living shield to escape Apex.”

“Hey!” Dagger exclaimed, and Pharynx glared at him.

“Oh don’t pretend it’s not true.”

“That… doesn’t sound so bad.” Melody said, blinking.

“Heh.” Hero chuckled.

Pharynx snarled. “I was disguised in my female form wearing a brand new dress and Dagger knocked my drink onto it, there’s a huge stain on it now! I was right to toss him back to Apex and Zenex! Oh, and you two are dense if you think I’m going to fall for this.”

“Well, we probably are that dense.” Hero remarked, and Melody shook her head.

“Actually, not at all Pharynx. Your plight is quite understandable, however… because you responded irrationally…”

“What?” Pharynx shook his head. “Yeah, I’m not going to fall for this.”

“You were still part of the problem, my guy.” Hero responded.

Pharynx raised a shield, and Melody stepped forwards, smiling.

“I’ll make sure Dagger replaces your dress.” Melody told him.

“Wait, what?!” He dropped the shield.

“After your boot to the head!” Melody then lobbed a boot at him, knocking him to the ground.

“Oww! What the heck Melody?!”

“Hey! What about me?!” Zenex asked, sitting up “I’m the one that Ocellus and Dagger decided to pull their dumb prank on!”

“Wait, what?!” Ocellus asked, startled.

“And one more for Apex and Zenny.” Melody said, hitting them both with boots again.

“Wai’, why me—?” Apex cried, but before he could finish the boots knocked them over and they shrieked.

“Hey Hero, Melody, where are the nymph’s baby bottle-what is going on?!” Thorax exclaimed.

“Uh, bad parenting?” Hero suggested, as Thorax strode up to them.

“Guys, you said you would help them! This is just violence!”

“On the contrary, my miniscule moosebug.” Melody said, holding up a hoof to stop him.

“Yeah. Didn’t your parents ever beat you? Not like, in an abusive way, but like, when you broke a vase or something?” Hero asked, and Thorax facehoofed.

“Guys, I just don’t see how this is helping.”

“It’s creating comradery through shared experience of hardships and creating an association with negative responses in response to offensive actions to pain and thus inducing a decreased negative response to offensive actions.” Melody said immediately.

“Um… what?” Thorax asked.

“...Pain after negative response equals no negative response next time.” she simplified

“Sometimes.” Hero put in.

“Um… guys? I don’t think you can do this, last time I checked, we’re not your kids…” Ocellus spoke up, and Hero rolled his eyes.

“Well, you’re all acting like kids. Sooo…”

“Perfect timing Ocellus, that brings us to you.” Melody said, smiling as she turned to the pale blue changeling.

“Hmph… There’s no way out of this is there?” Ocellus sighed

“Increasing my concerns for the methods being used against my friends and family…” Thorax said sternly, and Hero glanced over at him.

“Okay. Shouldn't you be watching the babies? They get upset. And you don’t want to see Melody when her children are upset.”

“I… but…” Thorax glanced between the house and the group, and Melody shrugged.

“I mean, we could always get Mitch to go watch them…”

“I-I mean, I’m on it!” Thorax ran back in.

Melody then turned to Ocellus and held up a boot. “For going along with the prank despite every reason to point towards it not being a good idea Ocellus gets a boot to the head!”

“No—” Ocellus tried to protest, but Melody tossed the boot at her, making her fall flat on her back just as Thorax appeared in the doorway again.

“Heheh…” Hero chuckled.

“Are you still using the boots guys?!” Thorax exclaimed, and Hero nodded.

“Eeyup.”

Melody covered his mouth gently with a wing. “If the referee didn’t see it, it didn’t happen.”

“I… I guess you have a point… where are the diapers at?” Thorax asked them, and Melody pointed at the house.

“Third shelf on the right in the kid’s bedroom.”

“Okay…” he walked off. “I still think this has gone way too far…”

“Yeah!” Apex said, raising his head.

“No one asked you Apex.” Hero said, and Zenex sat up.

“What about asking me-?”

“And one more for Apex and Zen!” Melody called

“You son of a—”

Two more boots flew over and whacked them, knocking them back down.

“Heh, I’m starting to like this method.” Dagger chuckled, and Hero turned to Melody.

“Dagger’s turn?” He asked, and she grinned

“Yep.”

“Dangit…” Dagger then realized something. “But, uh, there’s actually no need, I know exactly what I did wrong.”

Hero was already holding a boot. “Yep. That shipping journal’s gonna be the death of you.”

“Oh, no no no, that won’t be necessary-” Dagger began.

“Dagger’s right.” Melody interrupted.

“Wait, what?” Hero froze, glancing at her.

“After all, he has been a very good friend since that pride parade.” Melody gave Hero a subtle wink.

Hero sighed. “Fine…”

“Well, all in a day’s work, really.” Dagger replied, smirking.

“You’ve listened to us rage, helped us on missions…” Melody continued.

Hero modded. “Mhm.”

“Oh, well, I can’t take all the credit…”

“Exactly, so… ling who caused the problem in the first place with his incessant shipping and gets a boot to the head says what?” Melody said all at once, making Dagger blink in confusion.

“What—”

Hero tossed the boot at him.

Dagger dropped to the ground, rolling around and clutching his face.

“Argh!! Ahhh f[beep]k! You hit me in the f[beep]king nose! It’s broken, I’m dying… bleh…” Dagger went limp, revealing his nose wasn’t bleeding or broken.

“Fin’ly! Re’enge!” Apex cheered

“Heheh…” Hero chuckled

“Yet another for Apex and Zenex.” Melody lobbed two boots in their direction.

“Owie!” Zenex cried out.

“When will you guys learn to shut up?” Pharynx groaned from his position on the ground.

“Probably never.” Hero replied

“Guys, the babies won’t take the bottles-”

Before Thorax could say anything else, Melody made a scroll appear with her magic.

“Eep!” Thorax began to back back in. Melody dragged him over and began to read from the scroll.

“And now, by the power vested in us by virtue of being your parents-”

Thorax blinked.

“I decree from this day forward, you will all grow the heck up and act your gosh darn age. For the love of Luna, there is no reason siblings should be fighting like this. You’re supposed to be family and support each other, for Luna’s sake.”

They stared silently.

“...I’m sorry, what?” Pharynx asked, staring at her blankly.

“I mean, I don’t think Hero or I had problems like that growing up, why the heck are you constantly at each other’s throats?”

“Because it makes for interesting drama?” Zenex suggested

“Not the point! Just for once act your age and handle problems like adults, won’t you?!”

“I…” Pharynx sighed, sitting up. “Fine…”

“Yeah… Melody’s righ’... Celly, Dag, ‘m sorry I go’ so mad…” Apex sighed, standing up.

“Yeah… and I’m sorry I followed you guys…” Dagger added, also rising.

“I’m sorry I agreed to pull that prank…” Ocellus apologized, rolling onto her hooves again.

“And I’m sorry I was an overprotective uncle and made it worse… and that I tossed Dagger into Ocellus for Zenex and Apex to beat to a pulp…” Pharynx joined in.

“And I’m sorry I didn’t see the prank coming.” Zenex finished the apologies.

Hero chuckled. “See? Wasn’t that easy?”

“Yeah, it was… Dagger still owes me a dress.” Pharynx added, glaring at Dagger.

“Okay…” Dagger sighed, and Zenex perked up.

“Ooh! Can I make it and Dagger pay for the materials?”

“...Sure.” Pharynx agreed.

“Le’s ne’er figh’ ‘gain!” Apex exclaimed

“Agreed!” the group said.

“See Thorax? It works!” Melody said, pointing at the group.

“Okay… still think it was uncalled for…” Thorax said slowly.

“Of course not, physical reprimanding always-” Melody began

“They’re right Thorax. In fact, why don’t we repay the favor?” Dagger suggested, grinning.

“Wait, what-” Melody was cut off as Zenex stood up, grinning.

“Yeah! Thanks so much for teaching us about comradery, guys!” he said, a wicked gleam in his eyes.

“Ah shi—” Hero’s mouth was covered by Melody’s wing as she turned to Thorax.

“Uh… Thorax? Time to do your whole advocating peace thing…”

“Uh… eye for an eye. I advocate you two ducking.” Thorax replied, stepping a safe distance away.

The others all grabbed the boots that had been thrown at them.

“Ah crap, run!” Hero cried, but before they could go far, the group circled around them, and Melody gulped.

“Ge’ them!” Apex exclaimed, and the two screamed as the boots began hitting them.

“Princessssss Lunnnnnnaaaaa!” Melody shouted in defiance as she was knocked over.

Pharynx laughed mischievously as he and the others pelted the two with boots. “You think you can hit me with boots? I can hit you with boots!”

And nothing of value was learned that day.