And Now For Something Completely Different

by DmitriTheWriter

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Discord, Pinkie Pie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1121

Discord thinks he's funnier than Pinkie Pie, so they have a comedians' duel onstage. Hilarity ensues.

During the Ponyville Live Entertainment Festival, Discord voices his intentions of performing stand-up comedy on the stage, as he is the funniest living being in Ponyville. Pinkie Pie overhears this and objects, as she is the funniest living being in Ponyville. The two agree to a comedians' duel, in which whoever can make the audience laugh the hardest wins the title of Funniest In Ponyville. It doesn't exactly go according to plan.

Definitely not the winner for Please Read My Story's first writing competition.

Published 2021-04-01 15:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-04-01 15:40:01 UTC

This Microphone Was Turned Off Long Ago

Fluttershy was hosting her weekly tea party with Discord. It was the usual affair, with cookies and tiny sandwiches and elaborate china plates and flying coat racks with wings and whatnot. Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie were all invited as well, and the table they all sat at was bigger as a result. For a while, it was a rather quiet affair though. The only thing missing was the dialogue.

"Twilight..." Twilight began. "Sparkle?"

"Rainbow Dash?" Rainbow Dash responded. "Rainbow Rainbow Dash?"

"Twilight Sparkle Twilight Sparkle Twilight Sparkle. Twilight Twilight Twilight Sparkle Sparkle. Twilight Sparkle Twilight Spark!" Twilight explained.

Fluttershy shuddered at the thought. "F-Fluttershy?! Flutter Fluttershy Fluttershy," she said. "Fluttershy Fluttershy Fluttershy."

"Discord Discord Discord, Discord Discord?" Discord asked.

"Twilight! Twilight Sparkle Twilight Sparkle Twilight Spark!" Twilight said.

"Discord Discord, Cord? Discord Discord Discord," Discord said. "Discord Discord Discord Discord, Discord Discord. Discord Discord Discord, Discord Discord Discord Discord."

"Pie?!" Pinkie Pie objected. "Pinkie Pie Pie! Pinkie Pinkie Pinkie Pie, Pinkie Pie!"

"Discord Discord?" Discord raised one of his eyebrows. "Discord Discord Discord Dis Discord Discord."

"Pinkie Pie Pie! Pinkie Pie! Pinkie Pie Pinkie Pinkie Pinkie Pie!" Pinkie shouted.

"Discord Discord Discord?" Discord said.

"Pie," Pinkie confirmed. "Pinkie Pinkie Pinkie Pie, Pie Pinkie Pie Pie Pinkie Pinkie Pinkie Pie."

"Hmm...Discord Discord," Discord said. "Discord Discord Discord Discord."

"Pinkie Pie!" Pinkie said. "Pinkie, Pinkie Pinkie Pie?"

"Twilight Sparkle Twilight, Sparkle," Twilight said, chuckling slightly.

"Pinkie, Pinkie Pie!" Pinkie said.

At around sunset, the Ponyville Amphitheater's stage lights turned on, illuminating the stage. The seats surrounding the theater were all filled. Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Twilight sat near the front, excitedly waiting to see what kind of creative acts would grace them, particularly those of Pinkie Pie and Discord. Unfortunately, the Festival didn't start off too hot. The first act was literally just somepony reading the dictionary until they got whisked offstage by a cane. This put half of everypony in the audience to sleep. Luckily, the next act was a loud musical number that promptly woke everypony up. After that was Discord's act. After walking onstage, he conjured up a microphone to use and cleared his throat.

"Discord Discord, Discord! Discord Discord Discord, Discord Discord Discord Cord." Discord got no response from the audience, not even someone coughing. Not even crickets dignified his joke with their chirping.

"Ugh, Discord Discord?" Discord tapped at his microphone, confirming that it was indeed on. "Hmm, Discord Cord. Discord!" Discord tried again. The audience remained entirely silent.

"Hmm...Discord," Discord said. "Discord Discord Discord, Discord?"

Rainbow Dash turned to Rarity on her right. "R-Rainbow Rainbow Dash Dash?" she whispered.

"Discord, Discord Discord, Discord Discord Discord!" Discord said. "Ooh, Discord Discord Cord! Discord Discord Discord Discord?" The audience responded with silence. "Discord Discord 'Cord!'." Now, instead of being silent, half of the audience began to boo Discord, while the other half laughed, probably ironically.

"Somepony!" somepony called out from the audience, which got everypony laughing where Discord had failed.

"Cord, Discord Cord, Discord Cord. Discord Discord Discord?" Discord said.

"Somepony Else," somepony else in the stands jeered, causing the audience to break out into laughter yet again.

"Rrgh, Discord Discord Discord Discord Discord!" Discord yelled.

Suddenly Pinkie Pie walked onstage pushing her giant party cannon in front of her. "Piiiiie!" she called out to the audience, who began cheering for her.

"Rain! Bow Dash! Rainbow Dash!" Rainbow Dash cheered.

"Discord, Discord Discord?" Discord said. "Discord Discord Discord!"

"Pinkie Pie!" Pinkie pulled the string on her cannon, blowing confetti into Discord's face, and took the microphone away from him. This got a couple of laughs from the audience. "Pinkie Pinkie Pie Pinkie Pie? Pinkie Pinkie Pie Pinkie Pie, Pinkie Pie, Pinkie Pinkie Pie." This got the audience to laugh even harder, and got Discord to question how she made that joke work when he didn't.

"Pinkie Pinkie Pinkie Pie, Pinkie Pie Pinkie Pinkie Pinkie Pie, Pinkie Pinkie Pinkie Pie Pinkie Pie, Pinkie Pinkie Pie! Pinkie Pie Pinkie Pinkie Pie Pinkie Pie, Pinkie Pinkie Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie Pinkie 'Pinkie Pinkie Pinkie Pie' Pinkie Pie Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pinkie Pinkie Pinkie Pie." Discord took the microphone from Pinkie as the audience laughed and cleared his throat.

"Discord Discord, Cord," Discord said. "Discord, Discord Discord Discord? Discord Discord Discord, Discord Discord Discord Discord. Discord, Dis Discord?" As always, the audience remained silent, with the exception of the one pony who coughed. Discord tapped at his microphone again. "Discord, Discord Discord Discord Discord." Pinkie took the microphone from Discord once again.

"Pinkie Pinkie Pie!?" The audience cheered in response to Pinkie Pie. "Pinkie Pinkie Pie!?" Once again, the audience cheered. "Pinkie, Pinkie Pie Pinkie Pie!" Discord seized the microphone from Pinkie yet again.

"Discord Cord!" he said. "Discord, Discord Discord. Discord Discord Discord Discord."

"Pinkie Pinkie Pie," Pinkie replied flippantly. "Pinkie, Pinkie Pinkie Pie? Pinkie Pie, Pinkie Pinkie Pinkie Pie.

"Discord Discord Discord," Discord said.

"Pie, Pinkie Pie Pinkie Pinkie Pie," Pinkie said. "Pie 'Pinkie Pinkie Pinkie Pie'. Pinkie Pie, Pinkie Pie Pie, Pinkie Pinkie Pie." Once again, the audience let out hearty guffaws. "Pinkie, Pinkie. Pie, Pinkie Pinkie Pinkie Pie Pie? Pinkie Pinkie Pie Pinkie Pie!" More laughter ensued for the Element of Laughter.

"Discord Discord Discord Discord," Discord said.

"Ooh, ooh, Pinkie Pinkie Pinkie Pie! Pinkie Pie Pinkie Pie!" Pinkie Pie suggested before going offstage briefly. When she came back onstage, she dragged back a grand piano, which immediately began to play an upbeat tune by itself.

"Discord Cord?" Discord asked puzzledly.

"Pinkie Pinkie Pie, Pinkie Pie!" Pinkie advised him before breaking out into song:

Pinkie Pinkie Pie Pie Pinkie Pinkie Pie

Pinkie Pinkie Pie Pie Pinkie Pinkie Pie

Pinkie Pinkie Pie Pie Pinkie Pinkie Pie

Pinkie Pinkie Pie Pie Pinkie Pinkie Pie

Discord grumbled and took the microphone as the audience cackled their heads off. He thought for a few seconds and then began to sing his own hoedown:

Discord Discord Discord Discord Discord Discord

Discord Discord Discord Discord Discord Discord

Discord Discord Discord Discord Discord Discord

Discord Discord Discord Discord Discord Discord

The audience didn't exactly agree with him, as they began to boo him once again. Having failed to entertain the audience on numerous occasions, Discord was forced to concede. "Discord, Discord, Discord," he said. "Discord Discord Discord Discord."

"Pie! Pinkie Pinkie Pie?" Pinkie asked.

"Cord," Discord said.

"Pie...Pinkie. Pinkie Pinkie Pie!" Pinkie waved to the audience before bouncing offstage, leaving behind her grand piano. This was awfully convenient for the mare performing the next act, as she had forgotten her piano at home.

Author's Note

As I believe William Shakespeare once said, beware the Fools of April.