The spooder cometh

by Reactception

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Profanity, Random, Adventure, Violence, Pinkie Pie, Narcotics, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Starlight Glimmer
Length: 3950

A comedy one shot about the spooder

After a jaw surgery applebloom comes home she is also on pain killers and deathly afraid of spiders in her stupor seeing the spider she yells spooder and passes out pinkie convinces the gang that a vicious creature named the spooder is running around town and shenanigans cometh

Warnings : has randomness, drug use, sexual innuendo’s, and some jokes maybe found offensive.
(It should be noted I was really really…… taking pain meds when I wrote this)

Published 2021-04-05 20:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-04-05 20:00:01 UTC

What are you doing author ?

Author's Note

What 4th wall ? and as a side note I wrote this at 2am in the morning with insomnia and on painkillers so if the story is sucky or even the worst thing you ever read I won’t be offended I just wrote whatever popped into my head. ENJOY THE FEVER DREAM!!!

What are you doing author ?

Pain that was all applebloom was feeling.

“Ah hate doctors there pain meds didn’t even work” applebloom complained to her sister and pinkie as they walked home from her jaw surgery

“That’ll teach ya to try to eat zap apples before we process them ya could’ve been seriously hurt” applejack scolded

“But me and the crusaders helping a little filly get her cutie mark as a monk by fasting and I was sooo Hungry” applebloom responded

“I don’t see what the big deal” ? is pinkie questioned

“Well the big deal is mah little sister coulda gotten seriously hurt cause of her stupid decision to think with her stomach instead of her head” applejack responded angrily

“Oh okay” pinkie replied as she pulled a zap apple out of her hair and took a bite with a loud CRUNCH!! Followed by a even louder ZAAAPPPP!!

“PINKIE ARE YA ALRIGHT” applejack yelled as a flash of white consumed the pink pony

“Yeah why” asked puzzled Completely fine after the brief flash of lightning from the apple bite.

Wait ? what the hay ? How ? ....... applebloom questioned.

“Don’t try to explain it applebloom it’s pinkie pie ya can’t even explain it” applejack yelled.

“Alright then I guess we should just have some pie” applebloom exclaimed

“Oh no missy your doctor said no food for 48 hours and also recommend talking as little as possible until the cast is removed” applejack scolded

“Fine I’m going to take a napa then” applebloom replied sharply storming up the stairs to her room.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into applebloom lately she’s so angry these day’s” applejack exclaimed annoyed towards pinkie who was about to take another bite out of the zap apple from before.

Applejack quickly yelled “NO PINKIE NOT IN HERE! NOT IN HERE!”

But it was too late pinkie had taken a bite the lightning made a Loud ZAAAPPP as it zoomed out making a hole in the roof of the house

“PINKIE what did ya do” ? applejack yelled angrily

“Wait I can fix it applejack” pinkie said the grin never leaving her face.

“How ?” Applejack questioned activating the most unstoppable force in the universe with her words.

No not the power of friendship or love or even discord’s chaos no the power of...... pinkie singing

🎵 We can raise this roof, raise this roof 1,2,3,4
Together we can raise this roof.

One hour and a long song later....

Applejack was preparing supplies for more apple harvesting as she always seemed to be doing

“Hey pinkie could ya check on pinkie for me?” Applejack questioned quickly.

“You want me to check on myself” pinkie ask’s puzzled

Wait pinkie I meant applebloom.... she never finished and was interrupted by pinkie yelling

“OKIE DOKIE LOKIE” she yelled extending her neck out of her body to look at herself.....NO

“NO NO NO you can’t do this you can’t do neck extensions anymore not since little nightmares 2”
Deadpool exclaimed loudly.

“Deadpool??? What are you doing here this isn’t your universe” I exclaimed in shock that I had decided to put him in the story as a fourth wall break.

“You little shit you can’t just use me to break the fourth wall like this I will f*** you up motherf**er” Deadpool exclaimed.

“What why are my f*** words not coming through?” he questioned

“This is supposed to be a family friendly story” I responded I exasperation.

“Well that’s fricking stupid and I think you should”...... he was interrupted by a giant hand made of clouds flicking him off into the distance

“NO but I love ponies” he exclaimed as he disappeared into the distance.

“Anyway I’m sorry readers for that brief interruption I’m tired and writing what ever pops into my head onward with spooder cometh” I foretold in a godly tone.

“No pinkie I meant can ya check on applebloom she’s been awfully quiet. Can ya check up on her? while I finish up here.

“Of course” pinkie responded cheerily as she literally bounced up the stairs shouting “applebloom”

Meanwhile upstairs with applebloom :

“Applejack thinks she can control me stop me from eating” she mutters as she reaches into her drawer to pull out her hidden chocolate bar

As she pulls out her chocolate bar a small spider barely noticeable sits on it both the spider and applebloom made eye contact.

[It should be noted applebloom is drugged up and confused/grumpy and deathly scared of spider’s]

“SPOODER” applebloom screamed

And all the spider could think as he fled into the shadow’s shaking his head *sigh* ponies

Pinkie ran up the stairs even faster applejack just getting to the bottom as the stairs applebloom was dramatically passing out

“What did you say applebloom” pinkie asked in the most serious tone she’d ever had

“Spiiider” applebloom exclaimed as she passed out

[It should be noted pinkie had cranberry jelly in one ear and a piece of cake in the other don’t ask the author why even he doesn’t know]

“Just as I though HE has returned” pinkie monologued as applejack ran into the room out of breath

“Pinkie is applebloom alright” applejack asked in worry.

“Are any of us ? is the end upon us?” Pinkie asked as she continued her monologuing.

“Pinkie what are ya talking about?” applejack asked shaking pinkie and trying to get eye contact as she shook her.

“I thought I’d ended it the last time this beast came for me” pinkie continued in her monologue.

“Pinkie?” applejack tried once more shaking.

“Oh applejack good your here” pinkie said finally noticing her presence

“Gather the troops we are going to war” pinkie said staring off intensely.

“Who?” Applejack muttered questioningly

“Our friends geez keep up aj we don’t have time to be slow witted” pinkie exclaims exasperated

About 2 hours and 80 monologue later :

The main 7 and the 2 still awake cmc’s had gather oh yeah and that little dragon dude was here too I guess

“Girls we are here for a matter of most importance and perpetuity” pinkie spoke in a loud battle hardened voice.

“Perpi what?” Rainbow dash asked

“What’s this about applejack?” Twilight questioned

Applejack explain finding applebloom passed out and pinkie being like this

“Pinkie darling what’s going on?” Rarity asked calmly tapping her on the shoulder

Pinkie spun around dramatically scaring the girl’s

“He’s returned” pinkie exclaimed.

“He who?” Rainbow asked indignantly

“” THE SPOODER ELDRITCH GOD OF THE ABYSS WORLD OF THE BLUE PIÑATA LORD OF ALL EIGHT LEGGED CREATURE’S” pinkie screamed in frustration.

“Bwahaha what?” dash laughed and yelled in shock and amusement.

The others also began to laugh except the little dragon dude cause he was nervous at the idea of a giant spider

After the laughter subsided pinkie spoke once more. “you can laugh now but wait till he destroys your farm.” pointing at applejack. “or your workplace.”
Pointing at rarity. “or even your house.”pointing at fluttershy.

What do you mean ? Starlight and twilight asked in unison.

I didn’t know it then but it would be the worst night of my life pinkie said in a stern tone.

FLASHBACK TIME :

Pinkie had just discovered parties and decided to check out a book on the ultimate parties and I also checked out a book on the occult cause I’d read in the party planning book that you should bring scary things to do so i grabbed it and went home to try a slumber party with my sisters before I tried it for real.

So we were there partying and that’s when limestone saw the book on the occult so she had me grab it and flip through the pages I eventually found the ritual for the spooder and limestone forced me to try it I went and did the ritual and that’s when the giant spider named spooder appeared and wrecked the farm it tools a year to rebuild it and to this day I still wait for his return

END OF FLASHBACK :

“So your saying a giant spider named spooder came and wrecked y’all’s house when ya were younger?” Applejack questioned dumbfounded by this silliness.

All the girls drifted into there own fanatasie sequences about the spider except starlight who ran off to check something out

RAINBOW DASH’S FANTASY : a giant spider bigger the canterlot charged shooting lasers out of its eyes and webs out of its feet while dash zoomed by its head to save her friends locked in a cage made of webs last minute dash kicks the shit out the spider and is victorious saving her friends

FLUTTERSHY’S FANTASY : there he was a giant terrifying spider who only needed love fluttershy managing to scale up to his head and cuddle/subdue the beautiful creature

TWILIGHT SPARKLE’S FANTASY : a normal sized tarantula sat on her desk obediently as she studied this creature writing a paper about her fascination new discovery

DEADPOOL’S FANTASY : PONIES PONIES EVERYWHERE OOH AND CHICKS AND GUNS

“YOU!!!!! How did you get back here???” Reactception exclaimed.

“Cause PONIES!” Deadpool exclaimed happily.

Another hand made out of clouds descended on Deadpool to pick him up he avoided the first one only to be snatched by the second one which promptly picked him up and chucked him into the sky

“Looks like Deadpool is blasting off again” reactception exclaimed as a twinkle appeared in a flash where Deadpool had landed

“I apologize for that dad joke! anyway to continue they all had crazy fantasies except applejack who was still in disbelieve and starlight who had run off to celestia and author knows where” Reactception continued

“I say we split up the town and search for spooder” pinkie exclaimed loudly.

“Wait pinkie I think we should”..... applejack never finished as pinkie loudly shouted out order’s

“Rainbow dash patrol the streets of pony like check out everything shouldn’t be to hard cause the streets were abandoned” pinkie started

“Wait what pinkie? Why are they abandoned” dash asked trying to sound cool as her tone failed her and conveyed worry

“Well duh cause the author wants them to be” pinkie shouted like this was so obvious.

“Who is the”.... dash never finished as pinkie shouted out some more orders.

“Scootaloo, sweetie belle and applejack will check out sweet apple acres and the rest of the farm” she declared now wearing a generals hat that had spawned out of the pocket dimension that was pinkies hair.

“Fluttershy you check out your cottage and ask your animal friends to check the woods” pinkie droned on

“Rarity check out your shop and the nearby shops and twilight me and ummm you *pointing at the small dragon dude* will check out the castle least go” pinkie shouts as she takes off the other girls going to there respective places to search.

THE SEARCH :

APPLEJACK AND THE CMCS :
“Alrighty girls we should split this up. As ridiculous as this might sound we should put pinkie at ease. Y’all go check out the barn, the house and y’all’s clubhouse I’ll check the trees and acreage” applejack declared solemnly.

Sweetie belle and scootaloo scoured every inch of the barn and the house and we’re now headed to the clubhouse as applejack was finishing scouring the acres of land that was sweet apple acres

Scootaloo and sweetie belle walked up their stairs to the clubhouse and opened the door only to see diamond tiara wrapped in a blanket cuddling a body pillow with applebloom face in it

“Oh my beautiful country bumpkin I love your scent, I love your soft fur, I even like your friends. Won’t you accept me darling” diamond tiara asked the pillow slowly kissing it.

“Um diamond tiara excuse my French but what the hell are you doing?” scootaloo shouted startling diamond tiara.

“Oh umm a nothing” she quickly responded as she grabbed her body pillow and jumped out the window with it using a grappling hook to get out of the tree house and flew in embarrassment.

“Huh where’d she get a grappling hook?” sweetie belle asked more confused then anything.

“Probably from that starry pines girl” scootaloo responded in earnest.

The girls then checked the clubhouse and found nothing. so they went to talk to applejack.

“Hey girls farms clear. did y’all see anything in the buildings?” applejack questioned.

“Nothing worth repeating” scootaloo muttered in disgust

“Alrighty then y’all let’s head back to the park and inform pinkie” applejack said as she turned around and walked towards town.

RARITY :

Rarity Was correctly startled by the darkness that had swept ponyville and the fog that had mysteriously rolled in and had covered the entire town in a matter of minutes.

All the ponies hiding in there houses left the town silent and eerie. as she trodded along she felt the feeling she was being watched and the followed

That’s when she saw it a shadow of a giant spider on the wall following her she screamed and ran off towards her boutique

Meanwhile a spider about the size of a kiwi was walking In shadows behind rarity snickering at her stupidity and casting a shadow 10x bigger then himself

As rarity ran to her door she saw her window broken and as she walked into her shop she saw her new fall line was gone (stolen)

“No”she cried. “this is the worst possible thing!” she shouted as she pulled her couch over to faint onto it but instead fell to the ground because her couch has also been stolen.

1 hour of rarity pouting : later she went to tell her friends of the travesty that had befallen her shop

FLUTTERSHY :

fluttershy was prancing lightly towards her cottage after telling her animal friends to keep an eye out for the spooder

Only to find the lights on in her cottage and voices coming from inside The small shack. Yelling and cheering.

Feeling braver then normal she peered in the door only to see angel bunny, madam mayor, mrs cake, mr cake, and Granny Smith playing poker.

“Huh? what are you all doing in my house!” Fluttershy asked letting them know she was there.

“Oh fluttershy we are just having poker night And are zoning board meeting here” madam mayor responded as if this was normal.

“Wait if this is a zoning board meeting why are you meeting in my uh house instead one of your houses or Um maybe town hall?” Fluttershy questioned.

“We are in one of our members house. The one the only Kevin” mrs cake declared pointing at angel bunny.

“Um that’s angel misses cake” Fluttershy said without skipping a beat

“Naw. That’s Kevin the changeling he was indoctrinated at birth by that tyrant queen chrysalis and he fled before learning how to change got stuck as rabbit and then y’all found him” Granny Smith declared.

“Angel?” Fluttershy looked questioningly at angel. Who nodded sadly.

Fluttershy feeling betrayed and unnaturally angry for fluttershy yelled “GET OUT ALL OF YOU.”

The fluttershy keeled over with a splitting headache yelling “OW OW”

“Sorry dear can’t leave till midnight” mrs cake responded calmly.

“Why not?” fluttershy questioned worried

“Cause it’s blood moon night no one should be out after dark. Until midnight that is when the blood moon supposed to disappear” Granny
Smith declared sternly glaring at fluttershy acting like it was so obvious.

At this moment fluttershy had 4 thoughts :

1 : that stern look from granny proved she was related to applejack. Who could throw the same look but not quite as well as granny could.

2 : never piss off Granny Smith.

3 : her friends were out there tonight.

And number 4 hit her like bricks as she remembered on blood moon night’s she turns into......

4 : flutterbat came out on blood moon night's

Another splitting headache hit fluttershy as she fell her wings gained a point at the end looking more bat like

In her last lucid action before she turned fluttershy dashed out of her front door shutting it behind her to protect the animals and the zoning board from her.

3 minutes later : flutterbat’s mind took over fluttershy’s and she felt violent tonight as she flew through the air glistening red eyes she remembered what fluttershy had been told by the pink one meet at the park. So off flutterbat went to eat her weaker halves friend’s

RAINBOW DASH :

Just as pinkie had told her dash patrolled the now empty and foggy streets of ponyville as pinkie had requested only to turn up with nothing but boredom. The streets were quiet and dash considered ditching this and seeing if any of the girls wanted ice cream or better yet the first batch of applejack’s family’s cider.

“Mmm cider” rainbow lightly moaned at the thought.

only for her thoughts to be interrupted, by the loudest yelling she’d heard in awhile.

“SHE’S MY DARLING NOT YOURS. YOU CANT HAVE HER” shouted diamond tiara running down main street holding an applebloom body pillow. While being chased by berry punch who was holding an open cooler filled with wine bottles.

Dash quickly landed in front of berry punch who was now singing :

🎵spooderman spooderman! 🎵
🎶 Does whatever a spooder can. 🎶
🎵 spins a web any size,
Catching ponies, just like flies 🎵

And as she started the song over again rainbow dash stopped her.

“Berry punch go home your drunk. Again” rainbow dash sighed in exasperation.

“Oh you want some? okay.” Berry asked as she shoved the bottle into dash’s mouth making her chug it down.

“DaSh yOu FeELinG gOoD?” Berry asked as dash staggered back feeling the most wasted she had ever felt before from just one swig.

“What’s in that bottle?” dash asked as her mind and body staggered down the street in a haze

“ThE gOoD StUfF” berry explained as she held up a bag of white powder.

As dash’s mind went into wonderland/drugged out state her last lucid thought was uh oh

3 hours of drugged out shenanigans later :

Dash was puking In the bushes outside town hall getting it all out of her system.

“Uh what happened?” dash asked herself

As dash staggered to the park to meet the others she saw something disturbing. Some graffiti in a rainbow color saying rainbow dash and spooderman were here!!!!!! With six exclamation points at the end.

“Last time I’m going to have a bottle of wine for awhile” dash exclaimed

She looked up as she reached the park to she fluttershy in the dark on a tree alone.

“Fluttershy” rainbow groaned.

Just then flutterbat tackled dash trying to bite her

TWILIGHT, PINKIE AND THAT LITTLE DRAGON DUDE :

So far there was no sign of any spiders at all let alone the spooder

“Pinkie I think it’s time to accept this thing might not exist” twilight calmly told pinkie.

What just as pinkie was about to respond there was a loud BANG in twilights room.

The girls carefully approached the door. Slowly opening it only to see......

Bulk biceps wearing one of rarity’s fall line dresses and twilights crow. the rest of rarity’s fall line in a bag next to him as he pranced around yelling “I’m a pretty princess. I’m a pretty princess.”

“Umm bulk what the f*** are you doing?” twilight shouted.

Bulk biceps turned around and calmly said “I’m gay” then promptly passed out cold

Meanwhile while pinkie and twilight we’re flabbergasted at the scene before them

That dragon dude was over checking rooms until he heard a noise in starlight’s room

He went and pulled the door open only to be screamed at by starlight

“SPIKE WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING OPENING MY DOOR WITHOUT KNOCKING?” Starlight screamed as he slammed the door shut.

Trixie promptly spoke saying “starlight I thought you said no one was home” spike he hears them bicker through the door but all he could think was : damn that’s how lesbians do it that was hot

Pinkie and twilight then left the castle leaving a passed out bulk in a dress, the lesbian ship startrix, and the pondering dragon

AT THE PARK :

All the girls showed up to she flutterbat wrestling a hungover rainbow dash applejack quickly rushed over and bucked flutterbat in the face knocking her out in one hit prompting pinkie to yell “K.O.”

After much discussion [I don’t wanna write out cause I’m lazy and tired]

They took flutterbat back to twilights castle and caged her.

I don’t think the spooder exists. Sorry pinkie twilight and applejack yelled in tandem.

But.... pinkie was interrupted by loud moaning and Trixie yelling, “I WILL HELP YOU REACH THE GREAT AND POWERFUL CLIMAX!!”

“Umm let’s pretend we didn’t hear that” rainbow exclaimed clearly disturbed

But he is real. I even remember the ritual pinkie continued. As she pulled a mirror out of her hair. And chanted “spooder I summon thee” 12 times.

10 minutes later :

“Nothing happened pinkie” rainbow exclaimed annoyed

“But I was sure it was real. Wait I know I’m supposed to chant 13 times not twelve” pinkie explained to herself. As she started again.

“Pinkie”... twilight never finished as a spider bigger then castle wearing a crown made of pony bones appeared destroying the entire castle by simply appearing in it

Twilight at the lady second teleported all the girls, flutterbat, spike, and the lovers (starlight and Trixie) out of the castle before it collapsed on there heads.

WHO DARES SUMMON ME THE SPOODER ELDRITCH GOD OF THE ABYSS WORLD OF THE BLUE PIÑATA LORD OF ALL EIGHT LEGGED CREATURE’S??”

“Awesome” dash shouted as she charged the beast only to get tackled and punched in the face by berry punch.

“Berry what’d you do that for?” applejack asked flabbergasted

“Because I’m Batman bitch” berry exclaimed and then proceeded to pass out from too much alcohol consumption.

“I did” pinkie shouted

“OH THE YOUNG PINK ONE SUMMONED ME AGAIN AFTER ALL THESE YEARS. WHY?” spooder yelled

“To prove you exist to my friends” pinkie declared

“AHA A WORTHY REASON MOST OF THE TIME BUT . I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WITH MY BRO CTHULU AND NOW DUE TO THE INTERRUPTION I DEMAND SACRIFICE!!” He exclaimed his voice booming

“Great lord spooder I give you this body pillow as sacrifice” pinkie declared pulling an applebloom body pillow out of her hair and chucking it at the spooder

As it was sailing through the air towards the spooder diamond tiara appeared and yelled “NO MY DARLING”

The spooder then swallowed the pillow gulping it down and declared : “I THANK YOU FOR THY SACRIFICE BLESSINGS UPON YOU ALL AND THINE HOUSES”

He then pooped back to the dimension of the blue piñata to finish watching with cthulu.

Diamond tiara was sobbing, the townsfolk we’re trembling in fear and pinkies friends were shocked to there core.

Just then Granny Smith walked up to twilight pointed at the ruins of her castle and declared : “that’s what ya get for building a new construction without getting zoning board permission princess or no princess.”

I told you he was real pinkie exclaimed grinning the entire time.

This story is dedicated to the fallen :

R.I.P. applebloom body pillow
2021–2021