Starlight Saves Equestria With Custard

by hawthornbunny

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Thriller
Length: 4388

Custard was the bane of Starlight's existence. Now, it's her last hope.

Custard was the bane of Starlight's existence. Now, it's her last hope.

An unofficial entry in the Custardverse.

Reading Loganberry's Starlight Repeatedly Teleports Into Custard first is recommended, albeit not for your sanity.

Published 2021-04-02 12:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-04-02 12:20:01 UTC

Quis Custardiet Ipsos Custardes?

Clink, clink. The thick yellow dessert made the faintest ripple as Starlight's trembling hoof tapped the bowl. In the deathly silence of the Map Room, her nervous tapping sounded like the crash of a rock hammer.

Starlight sighed, closed her eyes, and took a long deep breath, trying to will the nerves out of her system. This is it, Starlight. No safety net. No do-overs. Nopony to pull you out if you mess this up.

She chuckled grimly. "I mean, I should have known, right? Of course this couldn't go any other way," she told the bowl of custard, which continued to sit silently on the Map table. "It always comes back to you in the end."

She felt her limbs begin to tremble again, and leapt off the throne, landing on four hooves, letting the shock steady her. Stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about it. You can do this. You know you can.

"Well you know what? I don't need you!" Starlight yelled, gritting her teeth as she fixed the bowl with a glare. She stomped back to the table and slammed it with her hoof. Good. Anger's good for focus. "You think you're sooooo smart, don't you? Did you consider I might let Equestria fall just to spite you, huh? You think I wouldn't do it? Have you even met me? I wrote the book on destroying Equestria out of spite -" She winced and stopped herself. Don't think about it!

Starlight screwed her face up into an pained grimace, holding the flat of her hoof against her forehead. Then she started chuckling again. "I could just trot away," she continued. "Be done with you, finally. Be done with custard forever. You're all there is left."

She trotted over to the window and looked out over the sea of thatching that made up the eastern quarter of Ponyville. Rabbits fighting for dominion over the empty dirt roads. Unattended clouds drifting aimlessly into tall buildings. "Old Starlight would have done it without a second thought."

She turned back to the table and the custard bowl with a crazed glint in her eyes. "So just be grateful I'm not Old Starlight. Let's do this."

She lit up her horn and hooked her magic in to the invisible aura that surrounded the Map Table, control coming to her with ease. Motes of light blossomed out from the table center and projected upward, transforming into a representation of the entirety of Equestria.

For a moment, Starlight felt a pang of sorrow at seeing it, the Map only serving as a reminder of everypony they'd lost. But she forced the feeling away. There wasn't any time for that.

A shimmering six-pointed star blazed above the map, staining the entire Map Room in a distasteful magenta glow. A constellation of five smaller white stars hovered around it in attendance.

Starlight bit her lip, and activated the Map. The star erupted into a beautiful fractal, and then was gone.

There wasn't really any time left at all.

A ghostly green flash lit up the Map Room for a second, and when it was over, an alicorn stood on the other side of the table. Or at least, what used to be an alicorn - Starlight wasn't exactly sure if Nightmares still qualified, or if they were something else entirely.

The Nightmare's lips pursed into an eager leer, her flame-ringed eyes regarding Starlight with delight. "It was such a clever idea," said Nightmare Sparkle, smiling sympathetically at her former student. "Did you hope I'd forgotten about my connection to the Cutie Map?"

Starlight sighed sadly, gripping the cold arm of the Throne of Magic. "Well, you've had such a lot on, lately. I figured it might have slipped your mind."

Twilight laughed. "I admit, I wasn't expecting to feel that particular tingle again." She wiggled her hindquarters, her corvine wings rippling gently as she settled them. "For just a moment, I got that feeling - you know, the thrill of a call to adventure? It's been so long," she sighed wistfully. "Sadly, the connection only goes one way. The Map can reach me, but it won't get anything back. I severed that link."

"Of course you did," Starlight said dully. "How have you been?"

Twilight gazed up nostalgically at the array of crystal pennants decorating the airspace of the Map Room. "Busy, always busy," she replied. "I have all the pegasi now, I know that for sure. The hippogriffs gave me a lot of trouble - water makes everything more difficult - but I think they're all accounted for. The changelings, I struck a deal with."

Starlight blinked in surprise. "Thorax agreed to your terms?"

Twilight nodded. "The changelings are tired of hiding. Thorax knows I'll treat him and his people well."

"So you've got the entire Changeling Empire in your library now? How many shelves is that?"

"An entire wing," Twilight beamed, her eyes shining happily. "When it's complete they'll be the Mirage Wing, they liked that."

"Sure they did," Starlight grumped.

"I believe there are pockets of earth ponies still holding out in the badlands," Twilight said. "Terrain is difficult there. I'm still figuring out a plan for that." Her eyes drifted toward the bowl on the Map table. "Is that custard?"

"Yeah," Starlight said, feeling a shiver down her spine. "Thought I'd cheer myself up."

"I thought you hated custard," Twilight frowned.

"Well, you know, the end of the the world has a way of changing perspectives," Starlight said with a shrug. "Want some? It's still nice and warm. Cooked with nirik fire."

"Oh, there are still kirin free?" Twilight said, surprised. "Thank you for letting me know. I thought I'd got them all, but they're a surprisingly elusive species -"

"How's Spike?" Starlight asked.

Twilight froze, the faerie-fire around her eyes pausing for just a moment. "Spike is having a wonderful time," she said stiffly. "I put him in his favorite comic book."

"I'm sure he'll thank you some day," Starlight said stonily.

Twilight scowled. "You'll be pleased to know I have just one unicorn left to account for."

Starlight's heart began to hammer. "And when you say 'account for' you mean...?"

"Starlight," Twilight said, dropping her voice to a gentle whisper. She trotted around the table to face her eye-to-eye. "Please don't fight me. I know, I know you want to, you want to cling onto that hope like it's the last drop of water in the desert - but as a friend, I'm imploring you. Come to me. Come back to your friends. They're all waiting for you."

She raised a hoof to pat Starlight fondly, but the unicorn crossly drew away from her. "I even have the perfect book for you," she added, her daggerlike horn glinting with light as it summoned a thick, ancient tome, the cover sporting embossed squiggles that Starlight recognized as Marecenaean glyphs. "I've barely scratched the surface of the spells in this one myself. It'll be like walking shoulder-to-shoulder with the greatest mystics who ever lived, you'll love it in there! I promise," Twilight gave a wide, encouraging smile, her fangs gleaming. "And this is just the first volume! Oh, and Sunburst is in Volume Two! When you're ready I'll even let you two share a book together, once I figure out how -"

Starlight glared at her. "You know, the last time we fought, I technically beat you. If I hadn't given up, you wouldn't be standing here now. And honestly, you're really making me regret that decision."

The Nightmare's lips tightened. "If there's nothing I can do to convince you, I won't waste any more time." She began gathering magic into her horn. "I'll try not to hurt you, but if you resist me, I can't guarantee -"

"NOW!" Starlight yelled, standing up on the throne.

Twilight's mane erupted with a phantom wind as she heard hooves skittering out from behind a pillar, her dark wings flaring in readiness. She turned to face the new threat, and her flames sputtered in horror as she saw the trap they'd laid for her.

A cream-colored kirin leapt forth, and above her head floated a scroll upon which was inscribed a square grid, nine columns by nine rows. A scattering of the grid cells were filled with digits, but otherwise it was empty.

"NO!" Nightmare Sparkle shrieked. "That isn't fair!" She lit her horn, and summoned a ravenfeather quill.

"Come on!" Starlight cried frantically, flinging the door open and sprinting out into the corridor. "That won't hold her for long!"

The kirin scrambled past the nightmare alicorn as she threw the scroll onto the Map table, and poised her quill over it, lips muttering as she began to compute the positions of the missing digits.

"You sure?" said Autumn Blaze. "That one's a Diabolical..."

"I'm sure! Come on!" Starlight said, yanking her out of the door. Hooves clattered and crashed as they made their escape through the curving crystal corridors.

"It has the diagonals too!" Twilight's voice wailed behind them. "You monsters!"

"When we get outside, head south," Starlight said, chest heaving. She envied Autumn's stamina - even though she was running for her life, the kirin was gaily skipping alongside her, and Starlight got the distinct impression that she herself was the one slowing them both down. "Go to the badlands. Twilight will go after me, which is fine, that's what we want."

"Starlight, I have magic," Autumn said, her earnest eyes filled with determination. "Together, maybe we can -"

"No," Starlight insisted. "We can't win this one. Please, Autumn, just -"

SHOOM!

Nightmare Sparkle appeared in front of the closed castle doors, her eyes aflame with fury. "That was extremely inconvenient," she hissed. "Good fun, though. I enjoyed it." She lit her horn, and a shimmering bubble of green energy began to form a perimeter around all three of them. Only when they were fully enclosed did she gently hover to the floor. "I won't tolerate any more dissent, do you understand? I wanted to be nice, I really did. But now I'm putting my hoof down." A pair of books materialized above her frazzled mane. "I will use any force necessary if you resist, so please don't."

Autumn's eyes blazed with defiant fury as her entire body blackened and erupted into incandescent flame. She stepped in front of Starlight, adopting a protective crouch. "Pretty sure fire beats paper," she roared.

Twilight gave an ugly grimace, a distant painful memory surfacing for just a moment. "You would be correct. Unfortunately for you, magic beats fire."

Twilight cast a spell of such potency that Starlight's horn itched in discomfort just from being near it. Tendrils of green light shot out from one of the books and struck Autumn square in the chest, ignoring the fire completely as they began to wrap around her body. Autumn suddenly yelped as she was pulled up off the ground, and gave a furious growl, her flames blasting higher and hotter as she tried to burn away at the magic.

Then, to Starlight's horror, the kirin's body began to change. Her fire started to shudder and freeze in place, the white-hot flames fading to merely white, the deadly lilac bleaching away into cross-hatched designs, her body losing definition and dimensionality as her black coat became the color of ink. She turned desperately to Starlight, who saw only an illustration of a terrified nirik's face before it was sucked into the pages of the book.

"I didn't have time to pick out something for her," Twilight said tetchily. "Hope she likes table etiquette. This is your last chance, Starlight."

Starlight reared her head back and blasted Twilight with a wide-angle beam powerful enough to atomize a building.

Twilight sighed sadly as her force-shield effortlessly absorbed the blast and nullified it. "Fine."

Starlight closed her eyes as Nightmare Sparkle's magic enveloped her, wincing as the phantasmal tendrils wound around her neck and slithered beneath her mane, her hooves being plucked off the ground as the spell began to suck away her color and solidity. Her skin crumpled like paper as she felt her biology being rewritten... erased, replaced instead by lines of ink. She was becoming something not a pony, not a being, but a representation. To be interpreted, to be only what the ink showed her to be. Tears rolled down her blanched cheeks and froze as inky streaks, which remained as all her color faded to white and black outlines, even her cutie mark now just a drawn-on design.

She felt a pull, and the world began to splinter away from her as she was tugged into the spellbook. She managed to catch a glimpse of Twilight's saddened eyes before everything went dark.

A Library Out Of Time

Twilight arrived back at her new home in a flash of green light, floating the two books alongside her. In the center of a wide, carpeted circle she stood, surrounded by comfortable beanbags, wooden tables with reading lamps, and beyond that... books. Shelves upon shelves of books. They ringed the entire circumference of the huge, circular room, broken only by hallways leading off to other rooms filled with more bookshelves and more and more and more books.

She let out a heavenly sigh, collapsing back onto a beanbag and looking up at the domed ceiling, which was lit with the constellations of the night sky. She'd modelled this place after her beloved Golden Oak Library, but only in general shape and wood aesthetic. Her old tree had nothing like the size and space available to her here. Indeed, there was nothing in Equestria like this place - because this library wasn't in Equestria. She'd carved out a nice little pocket dimension and shaped it to her will - it had been a lot of effort, but it was worth it for the library of her dreams.

Her confrontation with Starlight had been more exhausting than she had expected - not because of the magic, she had plenty of that to spare - but she had really hoped that Starlight would come around to her. She understood perfectly why Starlight had fought back, of course - she knew she would have done the same in her hooves - but she'd really hoped that Starlight would be able to see that there was no getting out of this. Sometimes, the day just couldn't be won.

It was sad to think that Starlight would start out her new bookish existence angry and miserable. Twilight really hoped that the grimoire she'd chosen would cheer her up and make her see that Twilight really wanted her to be happy, like all of her books. Even the angry kirin, once Twilight found a better place for her. She lifted herself up off the beanbag and summoned a clipboard and quill, making a note to shelve the nirik's book for now and transfer her at some later date.

Starlight, on the other hoof... Twilight at least wanted to get her settled in. A good onboarding now would save potential anguish down the line. She rolled off of her beanbag and trotted lazily to a table, opening the tome and flicking through its pages with her magic.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, Starlight thought. Being crushed to a sliver of living ink hadn't hurt as she feared it might, and now that she was here, she could see what Twilight had meant about the merits of being in a book, as opposed to merely reading it. Even though her book was closed, Starlight was not hampered - she felt herself unconstricted, free to move within the confines of her pages, able to see her neighboring words and fellow illustrations as clear as day. Stepping from one page to the next was an unsettling leap the first time, but quickly became a part of her new repertoire of mobility. She did not walk, as such, but rather re-illustrated herself in a jerky stattaco from place to place.

She saw spells laid out before her, some of which she recognized from her studies, but most were new to her, ancient rituals yet to be rediscovered. She could go to them, touch them, be part of them in ways that just didn't make sense in three-dimensional biology.

Sunburst must be having a blast right now, she sighed.

She page-hopped, taking in some of the sights of her new home - diagrams of elegant spell matrices, drawings of artifacts so old they were relics even when this book was written - it really was a beautiful book indeed. Twilight had clearly gone out of her way to find the one that was just perfect for her. If she was on the outside, she'd love to own it.

She exhaled airlessly, and jerkily brought a pointy-limbed hoof up to touch her horn. Let's test the water.

Concentrating, she cast a simple beam spell. Jagged scribbles stuttered around her horn for a few moments, and eventually a bold black line streaked out, bouncing haltingly off the sides of the page until it hit a wall of text, which shuddered slightly before returning to normal. Good, that works...

"That won't do anything to the book, but I'm glad to see you figured out how to cast spells," came Twilight's voice from... somewhere. Starlight couldn't pinpoint it. Eventually she managed to focus her attention outward, off the page, and became aware of Twilight's enormous presence looming over her from the outside. "It took me a while to figure that out when I first used Haycart's Method."

Starlight focused on a drawing of a diadem and managed to enclose it in a wobbly aura, levitating it until she was able to place it on her head. "I do like the book," she admitted, posing in her new jewelry. "I'd love to stay and read it."

Twilight smiled wanly. "I know you hate me right now. But I'm going to do everything I can to let you enjoy yourself here, anyway."

"And where is 'here', exactly?" Starlight asked. "Let me guess - pocket dimension, right?"

"Right!" Twilight beamed. "It's got all the space I'll ever need, and if I ever run out, I can just extend it."

Starlight blasted an enormous cone of ink into the opposite page, reducing a paragraph to syllabic rubble and shattering an exquisite drawing of an amphora. "It sounds lovely."

"The damage from your spells won't stay," Twilight told her. "I'm sorry, Starlight. You can't magic your way out of this. That's not how the spell works. You're part of the book now. Any magic you cast is within the context of your book."

"How many creatures have you got trapped here?"

"I stopped counting after a while. Tens of thousands at least," Twilight told her. "Each one in a separate book. I haven't quite figured out how to let two people share one book, yet. But, hey - " she gestured to the shelves all around her - "I'm in the perfect place to figure it out!" she laughed. "And I've got all my friends here to help me too. If we work together, there's nothing we won't be able to achieve!"

Starlight grinned bitterly, charging up her horn. "Why do you have to be so adorable when you're evil? I almost feel bad about what I'm going to have to do."

Twilight rolled her eyes. "I really admire your confidence, Starlight, but there's a point at which you're just deluding yourself. You're here to stay now. The only way out of that book is through me, and I'm not letting you out. That's the honest truth."

"I believe you believe that," Starlight agreed.

"You do know I've got Star Swirl in here too, don't you?" Twilight added. "If you were counting on a rescue, you'll be deeply disappointed. Honestly, you were the last pony I was really afraid of."

"I'm flattered."

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Okay, fine, Starlight. Do your thing. Let me know if you need anything from me."

"Just one thing," Starlight said. "Your forgiveness. Also, brace yourself, because this is going to hurt a lot."

Starlight vanished from the page in a circular poof of smoke.

Twilight blinked. Then her mouth fell open. "What have you done-"

Bang!

Above the Map table, there was a pop of light which grew into a seething void in the air, fierce winds jostling the crystal pennants above as a pony was ripped violently through space and reality. Starlight was torn from the void, hanging in the air for a moment as the book spell peeled away from her, almost throwing up as her biology reasserted itself in a none-too-organized way. She tumbled heavily down to the table, landing headfirst into a bowl of custard.

The last custard in existence.

It had never tasted so sweet.

Starlight groaned and staggered off of the table, bowl-on-head, flinging yellow droplets all over the floor as she connected herself back to the Map. "Harmony!" she cried. "Do it now! Send everything you've got!"

The walls and floor began to pulse with pure light as harmonic energy funneled into the castle from its roots, converging on the center of the Map table. Starlight tilted the bowl down to shield her eyes as the energy gathered in one place, a rainbow of power whirling and mixing dizzyingly into a sphere of pure white light.

There was a moment of calm and silence, then all of Harmony's power was unleashed in a single colossal burst into the dimensional void.

Nightmare Sparkle simply stood as the harmony beam washed over her, feeling the agony of her power being torn from her very soul. Tears streamed down her face as the harmonic energy became a wave that washed over all her books, which began to slide and pop off of their shelves, disgorging their occupants in bursts of white light.

At least it wasn't damaging the books. Harmony was nice like that.

The Nightmare let out a wailing scream as the last of it was purged, leaving a frazzled purple alicorn tottering on unsteady hooves. Her head lurched giddily as she caught glimpses of ponies, pegasi, unicorns, hippogriffs, all hugging each other, finding their friends, panicking, laughing, chattering...

The custard. Twilight realized. Of course it was the custard.

Her head tilted back, and she keeled over onto a beanbag.

"So, how much longer?"

Twilight brushed some confetti off of her horn and tried to sweep it off of her hospital bed. Her coat and mane were still unnervingly pale, but she'd improved a lot over the last few days. "Two more days, they think."

"Seems excessive," Starlight opined. "I mean, not that I think you should skip recovery or anything! I just... from what I read, Princess Luna was up and about after a day or two."

"You hit me with the raw unfiltered energy of the Tree of Harmony," Twilight pointed out.

"Treehouse of Harmony," Starlight corrected.

"Tree... it's still a tree. Point is, it's not the same as the Elements. Less of a chisel, more of a sledgehammer."

"Eheheh," Starlight said, rubbing the back of her mane and blushing. "Well, you know me. Subtlety's not my strong suit."

"I'm glad," Twilight said, smiling. "Thank you so much, Starlight. I... I just can't bear to think what could have happened if you hadn't saved me,"

"Hey, it's what you did for me," Starlight pointed out. "Being able to return that favor is all the reward I need."

Twilight nodded quietly. "Yeah."

Starlight tilted her head in concern. "Still feeling it?"

Twilight winced. "I just... it's... it's not the guilt. Well, it is the guilt, but you know, I'm dealing with that. Celestia and Luna both had a lot to say about it." She sighed. "I... I miss it."

"Miss what?"

"The library that I made. I... I was so happy there. There's still a tiny part of me that..." she gritted her teeth. "That wishes you'd failed. I hate it. I hate myself for thinking that."

"I didn't get a good look at it," Starlight admitted. "The dimension started falling apart after you were removed from it. I think it's gone now. But from the way you described it, it sounded like heaven for you."

"It was," Twilight said sadly.

"I think these feelings are just a natural part of the nightmare recovery process," Starlight suggested. "I know it feels bad, believe me, I've been there too."

"You've never turned into a monster."

"Nooo... but I do know what it's like to have to give up something that you want more than anything. It really hurts. And it was you who got me through that," Starlight reminded her. "Remember that, if nothing else."

"Thank you," Twilight said, with a weak smile. "I should probably be writing all this down, actually. We'll likely have to go through this at least two more times."

"Why two?" Starlight asked, looking puzzled.

"Flurry."

"Oh. Yeah. Forgot about her," Starlight said. "Although Sunburst thinks Flurry Heart already went through her Nightmare phase while she was teething. I think he may have been joking though."

Twilight laughed, as a nurse trotted in to see them. "Princess, you should get some rest now," the nurse advised. "Where did all this confetti come from?"

"I'd tell you, but I don't want to get her in trouble," Starlight said. "I'll see you tomorrow, Twilight. Oh, and I forgot, I've got a gift for you." She dropped a rectangular gift-wrapped package on the bedside table. "No pressure. Open it when you feel up to it."

"Thanks, Starlight. For everything," Twilight said. "See you tomorrow."

Twilight laid back in her bed as the nurse tidied up and left her to rest. She tried to relax, but found her idle thoughts kept going to the dark, uncomfortable places she was trying to avoid. Sighing, she turned to the bedside table, eyeing the gift Starlight had left. Definitely a book, she noted. Am I ready for books again yet, though...

She tossed and turned a bit more, before finally reaching over and picking the package up. She stripped off the wrapping and looked over the cover.

Custard Through The Ages, by Sweet Sherry.

Twilight smiled. I'm ready.