Dark of the Moon

She was everything I was not.

She was strength to my weakness. The air underneath my wings.
The darkness to my light.

People forget that; my life has never been about the darkness. I have always been a light. The shining candle in the abysmal darkness.

But merely a reflection of my sister.

That’s why she showed up. She came to be everything I could not. She was strong. Unwavering. Never seeking council from her elders. Not that she had many; always a part of me. Always inside me, screaming to get out.

It wasn’t always like this, no. In the beginning she was merely a ghost. A shadow in the darkness. Hardly a thought in a whirlwind of chaos.

If only she would just leave me alone. But she wouldn’t. She couldn’t. Like a cut in your mouth. It would heal if only you could stop tonguing it. But you can’t.

It was slow actually. At least it felt like it in the beginning. It’s difficult to tell- when you’ve lived so long. Time loses meaning when you’re the only one who knows how relentless and unforgiving it can be. Like the caregiver to small animals. You outlive so many of them death loses meaning. You get numb to it; like the slave to the whip. Oh yes, there were slaves. For a short while. She imagined it, and so it became true. Like the castle on the mountain. How do you think such a thing was ever erected? Efficient. Oh, so very efficient. Like ants they were, never ceasing, never resting. Like her. So efficient, so….. powerful.

But accomplishing so much, so fast. Maybe we should reinstate that? We could- No….
that’s just the way she would have me think.

I can still feel her inside. A small part of me now. Always managing to grow in some way. It never ceases to amaze me; just how tenacious she can be. I just hope for some way to end it. The torment of living with these memories. The knowledge of having hurt so many. It just makes me want to-

Wait. No, no. That’s just her steering my mind. She is the captain gracefully navigating the ocean of my mind. Or maybe she is the ocean, and I’m just the sailor clinging to life. Just waiting for that moment when I’ll slip, lose control.

I can feel it. Feel her. It gets harder every day. Like a leak in a dam. Always growing, just waiting for that perfect time to burst. And when that day comes, I just pray to someone. Anyone, That I finally have the strength on my own. The strength to end it when the time comes. Cause without me, there can never be her,