With apologies to Mark Hulmes
Tall Sun Mommy, Please Step on Me
by Shivered Timbers
All we could do was watch in mute horror as the living embodiment of the sun floated down from the heavens on wings of pure white flame.
"Tremble, Ponyville!" she bellowed in a voice like a sledgehammer. "Your once pitiful Princess Celestia has become your all-powerful queen! I am Daybreaker, bearer of the sun's might! All of Equestria shall bow before my majesty!"
This was Celestia? It wasn't possible! I mean, her eyes were solid black, with flaming orange circles in the middle. Her mane was made of fire! Though she was super jacked, just like Celestia. And over nine feet tall, also like Celestia.
Plus she was packin' some serious honkers. A real set of badonkers. I mean some dobonhonkeros. Massive doboonkabhankoloos. Big ol' tonhongerekoogers. Humongous hungolomghononoloughongous.
Not to mention she was wearing, like, a really skimpy gold armored bikini. Damn, she was gorgeous. Terrifying, but absolutely devastating in the looks department. Whoever this lady was, she knew exactly how beautiful she was, and she had weaponized it.
That's probably not why everypony was running for their lives, screaming their heads off, though.
Not wanting to feel left out, I got in on that action for an embarrassingly long amount of time as thatched roofs caught fire and burned above me. All she was doing was walking down Saddle Street, and shit burned around her! Panicking seemed the right thing to do.
When I finally came back to my senses, I found myself huddled in a damp, dark basement with three of my friends: Thunderlane, White Lightning and Caramel. Caramel grabbing me and dragging me inside was what snapped me out of my panic-induced stupor.
"Dude, are you gonna be all right?" asked Thunderlane. Whitey looked just as concerned as he sounded.
"Yeah, I'm good," I said, rubbing the back of my head. "What in the name of Tartarus is going on out there?"
They all took a moment to collect themselves. Caramel sat off in the corner, staring at the floor. Whitey hugged her arms around herself as though she were really cold. Thunder only shook his head.
"Dunno, man," he said, keeping his voice low. "She just appeared outta nowhere. You saw that, right?"
I nodded. "Yeah, I did."
"Surely Princess Twilight and her friends are going to do something about this, right?" The crack in Whitey's voice told me she didn't have a ton of confidence. I hadn't noticed any of them in the crowd, myself, so I couldn't blame her. "They always come through when Equestria's being attacked by evil... stuff."
"Whitey's right," said Thunderlane. "All we need to do is hunker down here and stay safe until the Elements sort everything out. Won't take them more than a day, probably, heh hah..."
We all murmured assent, and the cellar got quiet for long enough that I looked around and realized we were probably in the basement of the joke shop. Cobweb-covered ponnequins lined the walls. Discarded puppets and goggle-eye spectacles peeked out of the mildewy cardboard boxes covering the shelving. I was pretty sure I saw at least one remnant of a prank product Pinkie Pie had used on me once upon a time. I don't like to talk about it.
I was just starting to relax a bit when Thunder said, "Anyone else think she was really hot, though?"
"Oh, hell yes," said Whitey pretty much immediately.
"I was afraid it was just me," I said, letting out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding.
"What I wouldn't give to turn real small and just ride around in her rack all day," Whitey said, bouncing in place.
"Fuck, me too," said Thunder, grinning ear to ear. "I bet she's a monster in the sack."
I nodded. "Dom as fuck, you get me?"
We all got caught up in the moment, spitting out whatever was on our minds.
"Whips and chains..."
"Black leather..."
"Sweet fuck, those tits..."
"Crushing me with her--"
"AQUA GOT NORTED!"
As one, we turn to stare, dumbstruck and open-mouthed at Caramel. He'd been silent this whole time, and now here he was, staring back at us like a foal caught with his hoof in the cookie jar.
"Dude," said Thunderlane, once again eloquently expressing what we were all feeling. "What?"
Caramel's eyes darted left and right, and he let out a crazed little giggle. "I, uh... Want her to step on me?"
The rest of us shared a look of quiet question.
Then we erupted into cheers of joy.
As one, we made for the basement door and out onto the burning streets of Ponyville. Later, none of us would be able to explain just what it was that had made us all take leave of our senses and go questing to place our frail physical bodies beneath the hooves of a fiery giantess. But thanks to whatever mixture of fear, confusion and hormones was racing through said bodies at that moment, we were on the hunt.
We found Daybreaker standing in the middle of town square, laughing maniacally and trying to set the fountain on fire I guess? All the water was evaporating, at least.
We didn't have a plan.
The best we could come up with was jumping up and down, waving our arms over our heads like madponies and shouting, "Hey!" until we got her attention.
She turned to us with a cold, calculating look. Kinda crazy for a mare that hot to be able to look so cold. It just about made me lose my nerve.
"Yes?" she said, in a long, drawn out tone of mild interest. One of her fiery eyebrows raised ever so slowly. "What is it you rude peons desire of your queen?"
White Lightning cheered. "We love you, big sun mommy!"
Daybreaker looked taken aback. She did that thing where you pull your head back a bit and sneer. Yeah, taken aback, that's it.
Thunderlane cupped his hands around his mouth. "We want you to step on us!"
Whitey yelled, "Crush my head between your thighs!"
"Flatten my dick!" shouted Caramel like the horny ingrate he was.
Something about the request stuck with us.
"Flatten his dick!" the rest of us chanted, myself included. "Flatten his dick!"
We were all horny ingrates.
Daybreaker growled. It was kind of sexy.
"Enough! Begone with you! I'll have none of my subjects wasting my time with nonsense!"
She snapped her fingers and a wall of fire sprang up between her and us, just close enough that Caramel and me got our noses singed from the ambient heat. Getting the hint, we high-tailed it out of there.
But horny ingrates are not so easily stopped.
"Are you dommy?"
Thunderlane had his hands cupped around his mouth and his wings spread wide. He was, like, doing a weird jig or something. I kind of don't remember where we were, but it probably doesn't matter.
"Are you a dommy mommy?" he shouted again. "Dommy mommy!"
Daybreaker, across the way, was glancing every which way as though searching for a quick escape route.
Thunderlane turned and slapped his ass. "Tie me up, dommy mommy! Hurl me off a balcony! Make me scream!"
With an expression of purest terror, Daybreaker disappeared in a swirl of smoke and flame.
The next plan was Whitey's.
Somehow, we all ended up on a rooftop, one which was seemed in danger of spontaneous combustion. We watched as Whitey shimmied her way out along a flagpole hanging over the middle of the street. As Daybreaker made her way down said street, the three of us held our breaths.
At just the right moment, Whitey grasped the pole with her legs and swung upside-down over Daybreaker.
If I'm being honest, I kind of covered my eyes at that point, so I'm not exactly what happened next. All I know is Daybreaker screeched like a cat. I heard Whitey moan something about building a nest in boobies. And then, next thing I knew, Whitey was back up on the roof with us, singed head to toe and coughing up smoke.
"Worth it," she wheezed, giving a smile and a thumbs up before passing out.
With one of our number down for the count, it was time to get serious. We were going to get Daybreaker to step on us or die trying, and now it was my turn.
Daybreaker was at this point rampaging around town, setting literally everything she saw on fire. I was going to have to be careful if I didn't want to be fried to a crisp.
Have I mentioned I'm not too bright? I mean, in our group, I at least outrank Caramel in terms of smarts, but everypony does. He's kind of a low bar. So I don't exactly have a lot going for me in the thinking department is what I'm trying to say.
I laid down in the road and waited for her to come.
I have to admit, I was pretty well at peace like that. No anticipation, no anxiousness, just me, the cool earth, and the lingering knowledge that, soon, it was gonna get real hot in here.
Before I knew it, there she was: nine feet of fiery muscular fury, bearing down on me like a runaway carriage. She looked kinda pissed off, but I knew it was my chance. She stomped right up to me then stopped, staring down at me with a bewildered expression as she panted and seethed.
"What is with you ponies?" she cried. "What did I do to deserve you nuisances? What is you want?"
I swallowed. She was kinda really big and really scary up close.
But I mustered every last bit of my nerve. "Tall sun mommy, please step on me?"
How I wish my voice hadn't cracked on that last word. At least my friends were cheering. I could count on them to have my back for sure.
The heat in the area dropped noticeably. Daybreaker's eyes narrowed, and she scowled.
In a slow, measured tone, she said, "You want me to step on you, eh?"
I swallowed. I couldn't help it. "Y-yes?"
A smirk tugged at the corner of her mouth. "Very well, then. A proper queen should always be willing to entertain her subjects' petitions, after all."
It was that moment Thunderlane shouted something, "Dude, wait, it's just a saying, you don't want her to actually step on you!"
I'd say my friends are all idiots, but I'm honestly no better than them. Still kinda mad about that one, though.
Daybreaker kicked me in the ribs.
Pain exploded in my side as I rolled across the street, over and over, coming to rest on my face. More pain flashed through me as something hard and heavy ground into the small of my back.
She was stepping on me. At long last, I had accomplished what the four of us had set out to, yet all I could do was reevaluate the life choices that had brought me here.
Oh, it hurt. Oh, mommy. Not Daybreaker, I meant my actual mommy. Though she probably couldn't stop this fiery titan from using her hoof to push my spine through my ribs. She would not have been proud of me right then.
Things were breaking. Yes, the only thing worse than having somepony break your bones is listening to them creak. That way you get the pain and the anticipation of them crumbling to dust.
I've heard some ponies describe intense pain as 'exquisite'. This just sucked.
"Is this what you want, puny mortal?" hissed a voice in my ear.
No! I tried to respond, but I couldn't. I'd be lucky if I could breathe after she was done with me.
"Does it please you to have your Queen grind your worthless body into the dirt?"
No! Everything was starting to go dark.
Suddenly, the pressure let up.
"Oh," she said, sounding like she'd suddenly realized she had stepped in something gross. It didn't give me hope for my immediate future.
"This does please you, doesn't it?"
She let up just enough that I could pick my head up and see her looking over at my friends, who were desperately trying not to look at her.
She qualied. "This is some kind of weird sex thing, isn't it?"
"Uh," said Thunderlane.
"Kind of, yeah," added Caramel.
"Maybe a little," said Whitey, touching her fingertips together shyly.
"Ugh!" Daybreaker's weight left my back, which was not as pleasant as maybe you'd think, because it just gave me leave to focus on how in pain I was. Not fun.
"I can't believe you!" she shouted. "You're all filthy perverts!" She sneered and reeled back from me, as though afraid I might bite her. "Being queen isn't worth this! I refuse to grace you disgusting ponies with my presence any longer! You can rot in Tartarus for all I care! Goodbye!"
A new sort of pain washed over me, heat and flame and oh geez, it was awful. I had just enough control over myself to roll over -- which, believe you me, hurt a ton -- so I could watch as Daybreaker erupted into a pillar of fire, hot as the sun.
And when it was over, Princess Celestia stood there, mane flowing in an immaterial breeze. She was a little less tall than Daybreaker. She was maybe less muscular, and somewhat less busty than Daybreaker, but not by much. Though there was the fact that she was still wearing that tiny chainmail bikini and you know what, I'm just going to stop thinking about our monarch being dressed in skimpy clothes now, it's too weird.
"Goodness," she said, as though having just woken up in the morning. "I feel as though I had the strangest dream..."
Princess Celestia blinked in a most gormless way at her surroundings.
"Am I in Ponyville?" she asked nopony in particular. "Why is it on fire? For that matter, why am I so cold?"
The rest was kind of a blur as the pain finally overtook me. Next thing I knew, I was here, so you probably know more than I do at this point.
But there you have it, doc. The whole story of how me and my friends ended up saving Equestria from burning to a crisp by being horny on Main Street.
Author's Note
Spend a long time at sea by yer lonesome and yer likely t'start losin' it a bit, mateys.
This 'ere's a story 'bout the internet's reaction to a certain tall vampire lady. Pretty sure that explains nothin', but it's all I got.
Till we sails again.
