Nobody told the Princess.
Twilight sat in the throne room, indulging herself in some reading, she had a meeting cancelled and it left her with much needed free time. Her ears perked up as she heard steps approaching the door. Usually that wouldn't mean much, but Twilight had a sudden feeling that some disaster was about to happen. The doors then opened, showing Gallus with an expression that increased her fears.
"Announcing the pervert mare, you know whom."
"Thank you Gallus, if there's anything I can do to make it up to you please let know!" The beige coated mare happily trotted inside as Gallus held the door open without changing his expression of utmost annoyance. Twilight had the same expression for a moment but made an effort to hide it and asked Celestia to give her strength to go through whatever this was going to be. "Princess Twilight, my favorite princess, how are you?" The mare said as she got close enough to Twilight and bowed.
"Hello, Dr. Lillypad. I am... Well, my response will depend on the reason why you're here. Gallus certainly wasn't too happy to see you, but you can't really blame him, can you?"
"No, but... I gave him my sincerest apologies, but it clearly wasn't enough. If I knew he would get so traumatized I wouldn't have-"
"Lied to him and forced him to do things he was very uncomfortable with?"
"I didn't lie to him or forced him to do anything. Peer pressured him a little? Yes, but he was always free to just leave. Besides, his help made a lot of creatures VERY happy. He should be proud even, I credited him several times in my book. It's not healthy to hold a grudge, you know."
"Yeah... The way you think the end justify the means worries me, hardly good things come out of that way of thinking."
"I don't think like that at all! Although I admit... I have gone a bit overboard sometimes. I'm trying to get a better grip at my somewhat relentless curiosity." Embarrassed, Lilly giggled a little with a forced smile.
"If you say so, doctor. What brings you here today?"
"I'm looking for Spike, is he around?" Twilight looked concerned. Spike was too helpful for his own sake, and helping Lilly in the past caused him distress for a while.
"Let me guess, the dragon lands again?" Twilight asked, unamused.
"No, not really. This time I just have some questions to ask him. You know, the type of question that you don't like to talk about. We should really discuss your fear of sexuality Princess. Whenever you're ready of course."
"Yeah, maybe in a 100 years or so, we'll see."
"Oh... Well, I hope there are other sexologists by then!" Twilight mumbled something Lilly couldn't hear.
"As long as they're not as creepy as you..."
"Did you say something, Princess?"
"No, No! Uh... Gallus! Could you go fetch Spike for us please?" Gallus simply saluted and flew away. A few moments of silence lingered after his departure.
"So... Princess Cadance told me alicorn anatomy is not that much different from a unicorn's...."
"Where are you going with this?"
"Oh, you know, I was just wondering if-"
Suddenly a big purple dragon entered the throne room, holding multiple rolled up scrolls under his right arm. "Lilly?!" The dragon dropped the documents right where he landed and flew towards the mare, hugging her on the spot.
"Hey, Spike! It's great to see you!" The dragon put the mare down safely on the floor with both of them smiling widely.
"So, Lilly, you wouldn't be here to ask for an intrusive favor would you?" Spike said with a smirk.
"Whaaat? Of course not... right away at least. How have you been, I've heard you've been avoiding going to the Crystal Empire Lately."
"Yeah... About that, if I'm being honest after the thing with Ember, doing the Hero Receptions has been bothering me a little." Twilight was confused for a moment.
"Hero Receptions?" Both Spike and Lilly didn't seem to pay any attention to her.
"You told her about it, right? The whole deal and all." Lilly asked Spike, recording herself of him telling her something about it once before.
"I did, she insisted she didn't care about it at all and even said that she loved how much I took care of "my little ponies" like that."
"Huh... What are you guys talking about?" Asked Twilight.
"The Hero Receptions, Twily."
"Did you tell Ember..." Lilly whispered loudly to spike: "HEEEER?!"
"Hero Receptions? What's that? And who's "HEEEER"?" Twilight asked with a innocent smile on her face, only to be stared back by both creatures with worried looks on their faces. "What? There's something on my muzzle?" The princess crossed her eyes trying to see if there was leftover frosting from earlier on her muzzle.
"Twily, the Hero Receptions, whenever I go to the crystal empire and all... you know." Twilight looked confused, Lilly realized a disaster had just happened and decided to stay silent and give the siblings as much space as possible.
"I don't think I know what you're talking about, Spike. How serious is it?"
"Huh..." Spike didn't want to accept the truth, he was nervous and didn't know what to say. He looked at Lilly to signal for help but the mare was far away in the room pretending to be lost in a painting adorning the wall. He turned his gaze back to Twilight, which concern was growing by the minute.
"Twilight, you know... Whenever I go to the Crystal Empire they give me a personal "Hero's Reception"."
"Spike, I have no idea what you're talking about. Just tell me what it is already."
"Oh boy..." Spiked sighted and started to prepare mentally. He wondered how to tell Twilight about it, she always got extremely flustered when the topic of sex came up.
"Thinking of it... Why does Lillypad know about this reception and I don't? Is it one her weird sex things?"
"No... I'd say it's more of a crystal pony thing. You know... how love and sex go hoof in hoof most of the time?" Twilight scowled at Lilly, who upon realizing Twilight was looking at her, quickly snapped back to looking at the painting.
"Spike, stop beating around the bush, just say it."
"Well, Twilight... Here's the thing about crystal ponies and love... They like it a lot. And a while back, they started uh... very openly offering themselves to their uh... Hero and all that."
"W-What?" Twilight asked with a tremble in her voice. "You..." Luckily for Twilight, Spike finished explaining before she could accuse him of eating crystalized ponies.
"They can it the Hero's Reception, whenever I go to the Crystal empire I have sex with a pony or two when I arrive." Twilight was nothing but thunderstruck, was this the disaster she felt coming earlier? "Sometimes... before I leave too... And when I stay overnight too, but that's it." At that moment Twilight couldn't weigh which was worse, her brother eating ponies or abusing ponies.
"Spike... What have you done?"
"I just told you, Twilight. That's it. It's kind of a big deal to them but it doesn't have to be for us, you know?"
"Big deal? Spike, you can use your title to abuse ponies like that, I can't believe you've done such a thing! Does Cadance even know about this?"
"Yeah, she's part of the planning board." The voice came from the mare who quickly went back into pretending to look at a painting after saying it.
"What? Cadance helps with it?" Twilight was dumbfounded, so much so, she wondered if this was a nightmare.
"Twilight, I know you're worried I'm taking advantage of them but it's not like that at all. Listen, the first it happened, I was caught off guard and I indulged myself, I was a virgin and I was lonely I hadn't even had sex with Rarity yet."
"YOU HAD SEX WITH RARITY!?!"
"YES! OW! Tone it down, no need to scream, she's going to hear you all the way from Yakakistan or wherever she's at."
"You suddenly tell me something like this and expect me not to freak out?! You're pulling a Shining Armor on me too, Spike? Are you about to tell me you're getting married?!"
"What?! No! Of course not. I wasn't hiding anything from you, Twilight. I thought you knew, everyone kinda does. It's far from a secret actually."
"I... I don't believe you. Cadence wouldn't let something like that happen to her subjects."
"Twilight, Listen to me, I'm trying to tell you why you're overreacting. Please just listen okay?" After a few seconds, Twilight nodded and saw a tear falling on the floor, she just realized her eyes were almost completely teared up. "Okay, so, the first time it happened, I went with it, but I felt terrible afterwards, I felt super guilty. I thought I had used my title to grossly take advantage of a poor pony just like you said.
So I went straight to Cadance and told her about it. I was such a mess I begged for her forgiveness and to punish me, but instead she tried to comfort me and told me I did nothing wrong. She noted that I didn't lead a pony to a room and threw myself at her, it was the other way around. Multiple ponies guided me to a room with the intent of having sex with me, I had not idea until the mare started to-"
"Spike! TMI. Only relevant information please."
"Ok... Anyway, in the end Cadance convinced me that if anything I was the one who was exploited, I was the one crying in her bedroom and all. But like I've told her, I enjoyed it a lot, and so did the mare, so in the end it was just two adults having consensual sex. And after that day, Cadance found out that huge group of ponies had planned the whole thing, and also had plan to do it again, they even made a waiting list to see whose turn it would be next."
"Spike... That's... So messed up. I don't even know what to think of it now."
"Well, the way Cadance, the crystal ponies and I think is that they want to show their love for me through that act and I... I love all you ponies, Twilight. You know I do, you know I'd give my life for most of you if I needed to. I can show them that I love them back. They love me as their protector and I wanna be their protector, because I love them, Twily."
"Cadance has gone overboard this time, I can't believe she convinced you that casual debauchery is love. If you all want to be perverts so much, I guess that's fine, you are all consenting adults anyway, that's fair. But don't dare say it's love, it's not."
"Twilight... You know how the crystal heart is fueled by the emotions of the crystal ponies, right? Mostly love and all that? Since this started, the crystal heart became ever more strong. As of now, it's stronger than ever before and there haven’t been any crystalling for decades... The crystal empire actually grew-"
"By 50% of its size in the last 5 years or so. The crystal heart... expanded its influence, it covered territory that was taken by snow. Is that the reason?"
"Cadance thinks so. Even Flurry mentioned she... may had felt it every time we uh..." Spike took a moment to choose his words carefully. "She felt the surges of love powering the crystal heart."
"Spike... you didn't... did you-"
"No, I didn't sleep with Flurry, I swear!"
Twilight let out a sigh of relief, she wondered if Dr. Nosey could be right, if her embarrassment of such personal topics has created some kind of bias in her. It wouldn't be the first time someone had called her out on it. Pretty much all her friends except Rainbow Dash and Spike himself. Pinkie Pie would even go at the lengths of saying "She really needed to get laid" more than a few times, which always warranted an embarrassed scream from the princess: "No, I do not! What does that have to do with anything?" And in such cases, before she could forcibly change the subject, Applejack always commented something along the lines of "She might have a point, Sugarcube. It wouldn't hurt to relieve some stress there and again.". The worst was Fluttershy's lecturing her about the birds and the bees. Twilight was starting to accept she avoided the topic for some reason more than "It just being private business".
"Spike... I-"
"I'm sorry, Twilight. I swear I thought Cadance would've told you, or you would've figured it out somehow, you always do, I really thought you knew about it."
"It's okay, Spike, I might... Have a hard time with the topic, I tend to avoid... Talking about it. So it's not a surprise no one would've told me about such a thing."
"Yeah.. It was kinda scary when I told you about Ember to be honest..."
"I'm sorry, you should feel free to talk to me about anything, and I failed, as your friend as your sister-"
"You didn't, Twilight. You handled the Ember thing really well actually, I just had to... Omit some specifics." Spike giggled nervously.
"Still, I'm sorry I judged you like that. I should've known better, I hatched you, we grew up together. You've been through so much, risked your life for us so many times, I don't have the right to tell you that you don't love us. I know you do for a fact. And I hate to admit it, but intercourse is a big way ponies express their love for each other. I mean, even after everything with Thorax and how he shared his actual love to reform the other changel- Ponymorphs, I should've known by now that love is... complex, and it takes many different forms. I think Dr. Lillypad made that very clear with her research, I really should've read the whole book." Upon hearing this, Lilly somehow teleported near the princess.
"TWILIGHT! You didn't read my book?!" Lilly screamed with teary eyes, feeling as having been disposed of by her favorite princess and idol.
"Whoa, Lilly. Calm down. I did read it... I just haven't finished it yet." Twilight averted her gaze and gave a nervous giggle.
"Why not? You didn't like it?"
"Whaaat? Of course I liked it, I just... I just didn't have the time to finish it, I've been busy with princess stuff and all."
"When I came in here you were reading something..." Lilly suddenly sprinted past twilight to the other side of her throne, and grabbed a medium sized red book on a table near it. "DareDevil Dandy and the secret of- You were reading a Daring Do knock off?"
"Fine! I didn't read your book because it was full of extremely lewd things! I didn't need to know how a griffon penis looked like, okay?!
"Twilight..." Lilly covered her mouth with her hoofs, her eyes were wide open and sparkling, Twilight assumed she was about to a river.
"I'm sorry, Lilly, your book was so thorough and full of very detailed descriptions and realistic drawings that I felt... embarrassed reading it... It felt like I shouldn't be doing it, I can't explain it exactly, but I promise I'll try my best to read it carefully, not because you wrote it, but because it's a great source of information that I could benefit a lot from knowing, If I can get past my shame, that is." Twilight looked at Lilly and the mare state hadn't changed a bit.
"Uh... Lilly? Are you okay?" Lilly nodded happily and slowly lowered her hooves, displaying a large smile on her face.
"You... You said penis." Spike looked away trying his best not to burst into laughter, Twilight rolled her eyes and let out a huge sigh.
"Of course that's what's in your mind, another thing I should've known."
"Sorry, Princess. That might have felt like a small word for you, but to me it felt like a huge jump for ponykind." Twilight turned her attention to Spike before addressing him.
"Spike, once again, I'm really sorry."
"It's okay, Twi, I'm sorry too." Spike said with a smile as he gave the alicorn a hug. Twilight was glad that no real disaster had come to pass, only a little rough talk, and she even learned something while at it. Her thought came back to the previous topic as she remembered something.
"And even Ember sees it completely differently."
"Huh?"
"I'm talking about love, you said when you told Ember about the Hero Parade thing, she not only told you she didn't mind, but actually appreciated your behavior. She saw it as your form of showing you care for something. Which probably will make her feel ever more special when you guys do it, huh?..." Twilight dared to step out of her comfort zone with that last comment, with an embarrassed smile. Lilly giggled, delighted to hear the princess daring to loosely reference something lewd without any apparent anxiety. "Baby steps, Twilight, baby steps. You'll get there.", she thought to herself.
"Yeah, I suppose that makes sense." Spike giggled and smiled back.
"What about "her"?"
"Huh?"
"Lilly said something about a "HEEEER". She asked you if told Ember about a "her". Who is this misterious female? How does she fit into the whole Hero Parade thing."
"Hero's Reception." Corrected Lillypad, with a smile on her face. Twilight looked annoying and didn't even look at the mare.
"Oh yeah... If you don't know about the Hero's Reception you obviously wouldn't know about... Oh boy..."
"Spike... is everything alright?"
"Listen, Twilight,. Cadance wanted to keep this a secret for as long as possible, even within the crystal empire. So the number one rule was to avoid bringing it up and never talk about it openly, no one was hiding it from you. I thought Cadance would've told you and now that I think about it, she obviously thought I would've." Spiked facepalmed in frustration as he felt Lilly comforting him with a hoof touching his arm.
"Okay... That makes a lot of sense actually. I guess it can't be helped... Wait, why does Lilly know about it then?"
"Twilight, I should've told you the day it happened. I wanted to talk about it but it was dangerous to do so, and I didn't know how to bring it up. No one was trying to hide it from you, I swear." Spike let out a huge sigh and gazed at the floor. "Please promise not to be mad..."
"I...Th- This sounds serious. I promise I'll at least try not to be mad but no guarantees."
"Hey, big guy. The last talk was painful to pretend I wasn't listening, you want me to just rip off the bandages on this one for ya?" Lilly offered Spike assistance in her own weird way. Spike was tired and worried, he'd gladly passed the torch to Lilly. This had been a disaster.
"Yes, Please do, Lilly."
"Okay. So, Twilight, in one of the first times Spike took part in the Hero's Reception, he impregnated a mare who gave birth to a Kirin baby a few months later. Cadance was alerted to it as rushed to the hospital, she convinced the mother and her husband, both huge fans of Spike and members of the board by the way, to keep it a secret. Otherwise pretty much every crystal pony in the empire would've wanted a Kirin baby, that would've spelled doom for the Crystal Empire in many ways. After this Cadance joined the board and made sure heavy contraceptive methods were in place so it wouldn't happen again.
As for why I know about her, Spike's daughter, it's because I helped them raise her so she would have high emotional control. And we were very successful at that, no Nirik incidents so far, and she developed and she displayed an incredible talent for magic.
It was decided that when she's older or when she first questions why she looks so different from her parents, they would tell her the truth and bring her out to meet her biological dad. Congratulations, Princess, you have a 6 year old Kirin niece, I bet she would love to meet you!"
Lilly was sitting down on the floor as she gave her explanation, right upon finishing it, she smiled and happily clapped her hooves to congratulate Twilight. After 30 or so seconds of sheer silence, the Princess suddenly fainted with a loud thud noise made when she hit the floor, even shaking the ground a little.
"Twilight! Again?! Come on!" Screamed Spiked as he tried to lift her from the floor.
"Uh... Does this happen often?"
"More than it should, I think. Well... I can't really blame her this time. Maybe ripping out the bandages all at once wasn't such a good idea."
"Now that I think about it, It usually isn't. Uh... My bad. Sorry." Spike held the large alicorn in his arms and stood up.
"It's okay, she's fine. Her heart rate sounds fine, she's breathing normally. She should wake up in a few hours as always."
"That good to hear, I'd hate to be the pony who killed a princess. Let alone my favorite one."
"Don't worry, she'll be fine. I'll take her to her room and ask for-" Gallus and several other guards suddenly burst through the door and stormed the throne room with arms in hand.
"STEP AWAY FROM THE PRINCESS OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!"
"Gallus, by Celestia, it's fine. Twilight passed out but she's fine. Calm down."
"I Wasn't talking to you, Spike, I was talking to HER!"
Author's Note
Lilly was unceremoniously thrown in a dungeon cell, Gallus wanted to be sure she didn't do anything weird to the princess.
She spent the night in the cold, scary and uncomfortable cell. She somehow found the experience exhilarating.
My brother is bugging me.
Dr. Lillypad was sitting at her desk working on some very serious document, a fanfiction about the forbidden love between her favorite princess and her most loyal griffon guard. "Hum... This is too graphic, maybe I shouldn't send it to Twilight. She's going to forbid me from entering the castle again... I know! I'll change Spike for Sunburst- No, for Starlight! That way I won't have to worry about the size of the bed and the inces-'' She was interrupted by some knocking on the door. She snapped out of her current mentality and remembered she was supposed to receive someone today. She forgot exactly who but figured it'll be ok, she was Equestria's first, best and only sexologist after all. "Come on in!"
The door opened and none other than King Thorax himself entered the room. "Good morning, Dr. Lilly!" Before the mare had a chance to answer, Pharynx also entered the room with his usual displeased look.
"Thorax, Pharynx! It's so good to see you again, please have a seat wherever you like and tell me how you have been!" The mare moved away from her desk to an armchair closer to a therapist couch where Thorax and Pharynx sat. She waited a little for one of them to say anything but Pharynx clearly didn't want to be there let alone talk and Thorax's attention was fixed on a Princess Twilight figurine on a small round table somewhat near where he sat. "That's from a very limited run, you know, I paid a pretty penny for it." Lilly said proudly.
"Huh?! Oh, the toy? Yeah, It's so detailed, not wonder it cost you. You have it for the foals to play with during your sessions?" The mare laughed loudly.
"What?! Heck, No! Also, that's not a toy, it's an extremely faithful miniature recreation of Princess Twilight. If a kid touched I'd kill the litt-" Lilly forced a few coughs. Pharynx remained still but smirked a little. "Excuse me. What I was saying is that I'd rather children wouldn't play with something so expensive. Plus I don't work with kids unless it's a personal request. There are usually better doctors for that, I'm a bit intense."
"Hah! A bit"?"
"Pharynx!" Thorax tried to reprimand his brother but only made his smirk bigger, Pharynx look bored but pleased. Lilly just giggled at the snarky comment.
"It's okay Thorax, I really am way more than just a bit intense, especially when I get in my zone. Which reminds me, thanks for all the help with my research and for being so receptive towards me and my studies. I was glad to hear no one felt too violated after I left, I surely don't need more enemies right now!" The mare giggled again while Thorax held a forced smile. "I owe you guys!"
"It's no problem, Dr. Lilly, we ponymorphs were just as curious about our own anatomies as you were. Well, maybe not that curious, but we loved to learn more about ourselves."
"Ponymorphs?"
"Yeah, It's a rebranding thing. We're so different from how we used to, we didn't feel like "changelings" anymore, so we decided to try a different name. We're hoping it helps to change the stigmas about our kind."
"That and the fact that still to this date, whenever someone says the word "changeling", a mass panic ensues." Pharynx added, now back to his usual expression."
"Yeah... That's sadly true. Even within the hive, one of us was startled by a mirror and screamed "Changeling", for some reason most of us panicked." Dr. Lilly had to look away and try hard to hold a laughing fit, she fake coughed a few more times before addressing the changeli- ponymorphs.
"I think that's a great idea, and I like the new name, it fits you guys well. I will work that in my book for future reprints. It sounds way less menacing too, huh? Look out! There's a Ponymorph!" Pharynx sprang into action out of instinct.
"WHERE?!"
"Oh brother. Pharynx, calm down. Everything is fine."
"How can you be so sure, Thorax?! There's a-" Pharynx suddenly realized what had just happened and went back to sit, looking way angrier than normal. Lilly worried if she had just made a new enemy and was quickly to apologize.
"I'm sorry, Pharynx, I didn't mean to startle you. I was wrong of me to joke like that around someone who's been through so much conflict. Please forgive me." Pharynx just grunted, but his expression eased up a little, if anything that was a good sign.
"Don't worry, Dr. Lilly, Pharynx has been very on the edge lately. It's actually the reason we came here."
"By that he means he blackmailed me into coming here, I don't need help, I'm fine!"
"Thorax, you shouldn't blackmail your brother or anyone for that matter. If there really is something wrong, the first step to get better is to be able to admit something's wrong. Only then can a creature be helped."
"I... I know Dr. Lilly, I swear I didn't do it out of malice, I know for a fact Pharynx is not well and he's too stubborn to admit it. I hate to see him suffering like this so I thought I'd need to resort to more... extreme methods."
"I understand, Thorax. But unless his life is in immediate danger you should try other approaches. Me or other psychologists could have guided you better. It's nice to know you care about your brother's well being but you shouldn't try to control him. So, Pharynx, if you truly think there's nothing wrong you are free to leave. You're also free to stay if you want to tell me whatever's on your mind, even if there are small things bothering you, it's great to just vent it out sometimes. And, Thorax?"
"Yes, Dr. Lilly?"
"If Pharynx wanted to talk to me in private, would it be okay for me to ask you to wait outside while we talked? Some things are harder to say with creatures around you, you understand, right?"
"Yeah, sure, of course. Whatever helps Pharynx I'm willing to do!"
"That great to hear! And if he decides to leave, the blackmail is off, right?"
"Yeah... I was never really gonna do it, I just told him that so he'd come." Thorax looked at his brother with a frown that pierced the darker ponymorph shell like a spear. He couldn't stand his little brother, whom he spent most of his life protecting for being a weakling, looking at him like that. "I'm sorry, Pharynx, I shouldn't have tried to manipulate you like that. I'm just concerned about you, I hate seeing you sad like this."
"Yeah, yeah, it's fine. Quit being so dramatic, you're gonna make me puke... however it is we do that, I feel like I'm about to find out."
"So, Pharynx... We can give you a minute to think or take a breather if you'd like. If you want to talk me another day, that's fine too, as long as you don't keep rescheduling forever that-"
"Fine, fine, I'll talk ok? I admit... I have been a little restless lately for some reason. It's been... a little hard to sleep and stuff..."
"I see. Trouble sleeping is usually a big signal that something's up, either as a consequence of emotional turmoil or the cause of it. Has been something else on your mind lately that could be bothering you? You can relax and take your time to-"
"He's in love with a mare and he won't admit it!" Thorax suddenly interrupted Lilly. "Sorry! I couldn't hold it anymore, it's too hard, I don't know why he denies it so much! We can literally feel it!"
"I'm not in love with a pony, Thorax! I've already told you that a million times! The problem is something else!" Pharynx screamed furiously at his brother, who was scared at first but quickly became indifferent as he continued. Thorax calmly asked his brother a question.
"What’s the name of the mare you're in love with?"
"Tempest Shadow, why?" Pharynx answered with no anger whatsoever despite how furious he was less than a second ago. Thorax looked at him with a serious expression, Lilly looked at him with wide eyes of surprise. After a few seconds of silence, Pharynx realized what had just happened, he then scowled at his brother.
"When we get home, you're dead."
After receiving a death threat, Thorax fled out of the room and ran away to somewhere, possibly some place he could hide from Pharynx for a while. In contrast, Pharynx stayed put with his usual expression, except it had a dash of sadness to it, he had decided to stay instead of chasing after his brother. Lilly took this a very good sign, it likely meant that he was willing to try to work out the problem he was tricked into admitting. After a little while of silence, Lilly decided to not waste the opportunity and carry on.
"So, Pharynx. I'm glad you decided to stay. Try not to be mad at your Brother, he just worries for you as I'm sure you worry for him."
"I only stayed because he still has leverage on me, I can't risk killing him yet."
"Oh... Well, as long as you're here we might as well keep going, right?" Pharynx just grumbled, he didn't move away so Lilly took it as a yes. "So... You're in love with miss Fizzlebop, huh? She's a-"
"It's Fizzlepop, and she doesn't use that name anymore, and no, I'm not in love with her. I just like her. I think she's cool, you know, for a pony. Offense intended."
"Offense taken. I consider her very cool myself. Now that I think about it, you two have a lot of similarities. No wonder you like her."
"Yeah, we do have a lot in common. Like how we're not weaklings,we both like to theorize how we could take over Equestria, we both think that everything is way too colorful, and that neither of us cares about dating stuff, it's a waste of time. So the problem is obviously something else."
"I see.” Lilly quickly answered, seemingly dismissing the casual mention of a possible coup. “Doctor and patient confidentiality is sacred, but I’m telling Twilight just in case.” She thought to herself before continuing. “Just out of curiosity, when you talked about dating, it was you who first said that you didn't care about it or was it her?"
"What difference does it make who said it first?"
"Details, I just wanted to know. Do you remember it?"
"Yeah... She... She said it first. She said it was dumb and that... Umm... then she asked me how crazy it would be for us to date. I agreed that it was dumb and that it would be crazy for us to date." Pharynx probably had the worst poker face in Equestria, the huge frown on his face would've given him away to a foal.
"Oh, okay. Let me ask you some things real quick, Pharynx. Does the idea of a pony and a changeling in-"
"Ponymorph."
"Yes, sorry. Does the idea of a pony and a ponymorph in a relationship bother you in any way?"
"What? Why would it? We've been doing that centuries, remember?"
"Okay… Does the idea of a pony and a ponymorph, not pretending to be pony in order to feed, being in a relationship bother you?”
“What’s the difference? It’s mushy stuff all the same.”
"Right, of course... So... You said you don't care about relationships, so I take you okay with staying single forever. No plan for marriage, kids and so on, right?"
"Well... I mean, I wouldn't say forever but... You know, at some point maybe I would like to... You know."
"You mean that at some point you would like to be in a relationship?"
"Huh... Maybe?"
"Okay. If it came a time where you wanted to be in a relationship, would you like Ms. Tempest to be your mate?"
"Yeah, that'd be awesome."
"Do you think about her when you masturbate?"
"Duh! Who else would I think of?"
Lilly couldn't figure out if Pharynx was messing with her or if love had made him absurdly stupid. It was "Lilly time". It was time to throw all subtlety out of the window and take things way out proportion for the sake of... Hopefully the patient's well being.
"Pharynx! I need to tell you something very important!" The mare stood up from her chair with a serious look, startled, Pharynx did the same, quickly getting into his combat pose. "Tempest came here earlier, she knew you'd be here and she told me..."
"What?! What did she tell you?!"
"She told me she'd be your marefriend if you screamed really loud that you love her, but only if you really do love her, and you only got a few seconds left, Pharynx! Do you love her or not?! QUICK!”
"YES, I DO! TEMPEST, I- I... I can't believe I fell for this again." Pharynx facehooved as he let himself fall down on the couch. "I swear... The only reason I won't turn into a snake and poison you right now, is because I'm not in the mood for it."
"Sorry, Pharynx. I might have gone too far again." Lilly giggled nervously.
"You're a terrible doctor. If it wasn't for Thorax, I'd say you were a villain..."
"Well, that's fair. I really need-"
"Are you a villain?"
"No, of course not... At least not on purpose. I'm sorry I did that, Pharynx, but I suppose you can't deny it any more after this." Pharynx let out a loud grumble.
"Can't you see it doesn't matter? Tempest thinks it would be crazy for us to date, it doesn't matter if I love her or not, we won't get together!"
"You know, some of these "warrior types", like you and Tempest, have a real hard time dealing with intimacy, relationships and love because most of their lives they focused on doing the opposite."
"And that is relevant because?"
"Tempest very likely doesn't think it would be crazy for you to be together, she was flirting with you and you didn't realize it."
"She was not flirting with me. She went into excruciating detail about how crazy it would be for us to date, and then move in together, cuddle every night, eventually get married, possibly have some kids- That is oddly specific now that I think about it, why did she... If she wanted to flirt with me she would've just said... She could've... Tempest is not the type of mare to flirt. We don’t flirt, okay?"
"How would you guys court someone you were interested in, then? Send a letter declaring your love?"
"Of course not, only a coward would do that! We would just tell whomever we liked directly!"
"And were you able to do that?"
"Do what?"
"Tell her directly that you wanted to be with her."
"Of course not, I couldn't, not after she said it'd be crazy!"
"And before she said that, why couldn't you?"
"I couldn't because... It's obvious, I wouldn't because that's uh..."
"Invading a city is way easier than telling a girl you like her isn't it?"
"Ha! You have no idea!" Lilly kept looking at Pharynx in silence with a light smile on her face. Pharynx was expecting the mare to say something, he quickly became confused, looked around for the reason why she was silent. "Huh... Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm just waiting for you to realize you couldn't tell Tempest you liked her directly, because you simply felt too embarrassed to do it, and so was Tempest, which is the reason she tried to flirt with you like she did."
"THAT'S NOT WHY- Ah, fine. You win, I know you’re right, I just didn’t want..."
"To say something you thought would make her not like you, that’s a very normal fear to have when you like someone, Pharynx. The fact that you both are war-bent knuckleheads doesn’t help. You think that showing affection, or as you say, being mushy, is a sign of weakness and vulnerability, and warriors don’t want to be weak or vulnerable. You both wanna be mushy, at least to a certain level, but you can’t admit it, because in your head, admitting it would make you look weak or make yourself vulnerable. What do you think about this?”
“I’m not sure, you’ve said a lot of things and I wasn’t fully paying attention.”
“Look… You’re a ponyling, you give and take love to survive, you deal with mushy stuff by nature, and Tempest is a pony, she’s bound to have some mushy in her somehow. Don’t fear the mush, embrace the mush, you know you both want it. That much is clear.”
"What's a ponyling?"
"Do you want to be with Tempest?"
"You tortured me into admitting that I do"
"Good, so make an effort to tell her that. Maybe on a romantic date, which I suppose for you guys would be hunting some kind of demonic sea monster."
"Didn’t I tell you I couldn't do that just now?"
"You can, you just didn't because it's hard. Can you imagine admitting to an enemy you were scared of them?"
"Of course not, I'd rather die!"
"Yeah, it's that hard. But you can do it."
"I see your point but that's not helpful at all."
"Can you imagine admitting to an enemy you were scared of it, to save Tempest's life?"
"I... That would be hard, but to save her life, yes, I would at least have to try."
"Good, just think about that when you're going to do it. You're a reformed changeling, you-"
"PONYMORPH!"
"Ponymorph, right. Sorry, it’s hard to change the name of something suddenly like that. Be patient, my patient.”
“You make one more joke and I’ll set your office on fire.”
“Okie doke. As I was saying, you're a ponymorph, you have mushy inside you, you can use it in your favor. Try to show your mushy to Tempest and she will show you hers."
"Just to be clear, you're not talking about our genitals, right?"
"I wish I was, but no, I'm talking about allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Think of it like giving Tempest a spear, and trusting her that she won’t stab you with it no matter what."
"I… I think I understand." For once, Pharynx had a small smile on his face. He felt tired, but also as if a huge weight had been lifted off him. "So, that's it?"
"Well, now that you're being honest with me and with yourself, do you think that was the problem? Was that what's been giving you trouble sleeping?"
"Probably, yeah. Thanks I guess. You suck, but yeah, thanks." Lilly gave him a confused smile as he got up on his feet.
"Uh... That's ok... I think I'm glad I was able to help. You can always come back for other sessions in the future you know, it helps a little every time." Pharynx headed towards her window as she wondered if he saw something outside.
"Yeah, the only reason I'll be back here is to kill you if Tempest rejects me. Also, I'm not paying you, Thorax was the one with the money. I'll also tell him you made me cry and hurt my feelings, so he won't pay you either. Thanks for help!" Pharynx jumped out of the window and flew away.
"I really need to lock this window..." That was the third time a creature flew away through the window without paying that month alone. "And learn how to make my patients not hate me... I should probably start with that right now." The number of patients that hated her was too large to count, probably about 75% of them. "Oh, wait! I have to finish my fanfic first!"
Author's Note
For a good while now, Pharynx wasn't able to sleep unless Thorax kissed him goodnight. Until he could sleep normally again, Thorax had that leverage on him.
After the consultation with Dr. Lillypad, he thought really hard on how to tell Tempest about his feelings. After many hours of frustration, he did the worst thing he could have possibly done. He wrote her a love letter.
"Dear Tempest Shadow,
You are the strongest and bravest warrior in these lands. But you're also the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes upon. Hearing your voice gives me more strength than any war cry ever could. It would in fact be crazy for us to be together. I do not mind doing something crazy, as long as I get to do it by your side. This latter is a display of my weakness, I wrote it because I could not muster the courage to tell you this in person, therefore, only this time, I ask you to forgive my cowardice.
I love you.
Pharynx.
The Ponymorph
(Previously a Changeling)
Brother of Thorax
Also a Ponymorph
(The one who is a king)"
Lucky for him, it worked. The next time he and Tempest met, she ended up showing him a whole lot of mushy. They also had a lot of very aggressive sex.
