That one time Sauron came to Equestria
The moment Gollum cast himself into the fires of Mount Doom and burned away along with the ring, that should have been the end of the dark lord Sauron. Unknown to the Free Peoples, however, Sauron had picked up a great many tricks from his former master Morgoth. One of those tricks involved the art of Fanfiction-convenience.
Thus, he had not only managed to regain his ring and physical form, but he had also transported both himself and his nine obedient Nazgûl to a strange new land, a land that would be his and his alone! No Valar, no Morgoth, no Elves, no Men, and most importantly, no Olórin.
That is how Sauron now found himself standing before an essembled crowd of colourful little ponies who were residents of a quaint little town called Ponyville. Amused by such simplistic and Man-like naming conventions, Sauron readied to make his first great impression on these lesser creatures. The black banners of Mordor, which his servants dutifully displayed, fluttered menacingly in the summer wind.
"TREMBLE BEFORE MY MAJESTY, MORTALS!" Sauron bellowed, his voice darker and deeper than the abyss of the Void. The One ring shone brightly on his armored finger, bathing it in the light of an ever burning flame. "I, SAURON, HAVE COME TO CLAIM THE LAND OF EQUESTRIA!"
The ponies trembled with every word Sauron spoke, cowering in fear for this great being that now towered above them. A couple of mares by a flower stand fainted while terrified foals tried to hide themselves by their equally frightened parents.
"W-What are your demands, your evilness?" Asked a mare with a greying mane and a pair of glasses on her muzzle asked, shaking where she stood at the front of the crowd. She was most likely the leader of the puny little town.
Sauron smiled wickedly at her underneath his helm, raising and spreading his arms as to gesture to all that surrounded him. "I shall take this land and all its people for my own! You will all bow before me and worship me as your supreme God-King! When you pray, you shall pray to the name of Sauron!"
For a moment, there was silence, the ponies looking amongst themselves with what appeared to be confusion.
"Well, we already kinda had that with Celestia and Luna." Said a stallion at the back of the crowd, a hoof scratching his chin in thought. Seemingly having decided something, he then turned to Sauron with a friendly smile on his face. "I don't see why we can't have a third divine overlord."
The stallion's words spawned a great deal of chatter, the ponies seemingly murmuring and nodding in agreement with the sentiment. Some began to give Sauron smiles and even a few waves of their own.
Said dark lord frowned, having not expecting the ponies to show such openness to absolute subjugation. When he had proclaimed the same thing to the Easterlings of Rhûn and Khand, Sauron had been forced to butcher at least a good few hundreds of them before anyone took his claim seriously and any of the chieftains surrendered.
Figuring that he would get his cowering soon enough, Sauron swiftly recovered and continued as menacingly as he could. "I wasn't done." He said, leering maliscously at them all. "After I've taken what is rightfully mine, I shall slaughter all of those who stand in my way!"
"You hear that!?" Somepony unseen from the crowd, a mare by the sound of it, shouted excitedly. "He's only going after those who stand in his way! Not like those twits Tirek and Chrysalis who just wanted to get rid of all of us!" There were now eruptions of applause and even a few cheers.
Sauron sputtered, underneath his helm his lips were moving like those of a fish without a word escaping. Did these idiot beings not realize he, the fallen Maia, former Black Lieutenant of Morgoth, Lord of the Rings, was there to conquer them?
"No, you fools!" He shouted in exasperation. "My reign will be dark and terrible! All of you will be forced to slave away in the fields and my industries-"
"The feller's promisin' job security!" An old stallion at the front of the crowd with a pear on his flank exclaimed with a smile. A couple of new graduates from the school of friendship began to jump up and down and cheer.
"You hear that, guys!?" A pink-coated, female hippogriff cheered to her friends of various races. "We don't have to worry about the current instability of the labour market!"
"Y-You'll be fed nothing but maggoty bread!" Sauron stuttered only a little. Still, he raised a clenched fist and used his most dark and intimidating of tones only for it to have none of the desired effects.
"He's bringing bread!" A colt with white coat and brown mane exclaimed, eyes shining in admiration as he gazed up at Sauron's towering presence. "I haven't eaten anything in days! All our money goes to repairing our house which gets destroyed every week or so!"
Sauron blinked, momentarily stunned. "How in Morgoth's name does that happen?"
The colt shrugged. "Either it's a monster attack, a friendship problem getting out of hand, or Pinkie Pie's antics... Sometimes a combination of all three!"
Sauron didn't know what this 'Pinkie Pie' was, but somehow he already knew that he hated it with every fibre of his being.
"Look, it doesn't matter!" He exclaimed at last, exasperation tinting every word. "The points is that I'm very evil and I'm here to burn down your homes and take over your lands! And another thing-"
"What in the hay is going on here!?" An authorative female voice called out from above, causing everyone to look up. There they saw none other than the princess of friendship herself, Twilight Sparkle, descend upon the ground, staring up at Sauron with a hardened gaze.
"Who and what are you?" Twilight demanded, her eyes narrowed and her horn at the ready if this new being proved to be hostile.
Sauron grinned, thinking he finally found a pony who truly understood just what sort of threat he was. However, just as he was about to go on a totally awesome and poetic rant of his evil accomplishments and titles, a stallion with brown mane and coat and an hourglass on his flank ran up to the alicorn princess.
"Princess Twilight, thank Celestia you're here!" He exclaimed, though not in a panicked way like Sauron had hoped. Instead he looked positively delighted at the current circumstances. "Your just in time to meet this friendly fellow Sauron!"
The words made Sauron feel as if the blood in his veins turned to ice. "What? No, that's not-"
"Yeah!" A faceless voice from the crowd chimed in. "Seems like he's gonna turn Equestria round for the better!"
Before Sauron could deny these foul accusations any further, the crowd of ponies seemed inclined to ruin his image by adding their own praises to the dark lord.
"His voice is so cool and edgy!"
"He stands on two legs!"
"I bet he's handsome under all that armor!"
"Anypony seen my glasses?"
"ENOUGH!" Sauron bellowed, quickly silencing the ponies. At this point he was practically boiling in seething anger underneath his armor. He was about to strike fear into the heart of this land's monarch as he had done to so many a king before. This was his moment and he would NOT let some colourful plebians ruin it!
Seeing that he had everyone's full attention, Sauron reached out his arm and pointed a single, armored, imperious finger at Twilight. "Harken to me, Princess Twilight!" His voice was like a storm, dark and terrible. "I am the dark lord Sauron of Mordor, Lord of the Rings, King of Kings, scourger of Númenor!"
He gestured to the nine wraiths surrounding him. "And these are the Nazgûl, greatest and most dangerous of my servants! Mightiest among them is Mûrazôr, the Witch-King of Angmar, or as he is known in the underground rap circuit; Da Bitchin' King!"
Thinking that the silence of the ponies meant they were stunned by sheer terror, Sauron continued, redacting his pointing finger and clenching the hand into a menacing, powerful fist. "This is your first and only warning: Surrender your crown and authority to me or face your own destruction!"
"Okay." Said Twilight.
"So be it! I shall-" Just as he was about to go on with his long and delightfully evil rant (like he had practised in the mirror for hours earlier that morning), Sauron abruptly realised that the alicorn princess had NOT bravely, but stupidly defied his demands. "Wait... WHAT!?"
"I said 'okay'." Twilight affirmed, the stern frown and narrowed eyes from earlier now replaced with a smile. "What, you think I want to rule Equestria?" She scoffed. "Ever since princess Sunbutt and Luna ditched us to retire to the Bahamas I've barely been able to read or even re-organize my sock drawer. Plus, everypony in town seems to like you. If you wanna rule Equestria, be my guest."
Sauron's mace fell out of his now limp hand, the dark lord being only able to gape at this absolute mockery of everything he believed about conquering.
"Alright, everypony!" Twilight exclaimed, turning to face the other residents of Ponyville with a smile as she gestured a hoof to the silent and stunned Maiar. "Let's hear it for our new king Sauron!"
"SAURON!" The ponies all happily cheered and clapped their hooves. They then began to chant in reverance as they closed up on the lord of Mordor. "SAURON! SAURON! SAURON!"
The Nazgûl desperately tried to hold them back, but the Nine proved to be no match for the small, pastel ponies who quickly rushed and overwhelmed them. As there were none to protect the fallen Maia, the residents of Ponyville eagerly hoisted Sauron up over them.
"MÛRAZÔR, YOU IDIOT! HELP ME!" Sauron shrieked helplessly as the ponies excitedly carried him towards Sugarcube Corner where Pinkie Pie somehow already had a 'Congratulations of becoming overlord of Equestria'-party prepared for him.
"I can't, my liege!" The Witch-King of Angmar screamed, he himself being swarmed by many exited young mares before he and his fellow Nazgûl were utterly enveloped by the innocently ignorant, yet happy mob.
And so began the reign of the king known as Sauron the Kind, Sauron the Merciful, and Sauron the Beloved. Throughout his long reign there were many a time where the so-called 'Dark Lord' tried to prove his evil nature to the citizens of Equestria and beyond, but each attempt only served to endear him to them further.
Trying to declare war on the Griffons? Turns out they were developing weapons of mass-destruction.
Banning all muffins? Turns out they were the main cause of cancer and a number of natural disasters.
Sentencing all other equestrian officials to imprisonment? Turns out they were terrorists.
Putting Angel Bunny in a blender? Turns out he was an eldricht abomination in disguise.
Punching a pony in the face? It was Prince Blueblood.
No more than two months later, regret and annoyance ate away at Sauron as he sat upon the pristine golden throne of Equestria within Canterlot. Around him there were echoes of laughter, dance and music in every corner of the great hall as the ponies celebrated yet another moon's turn of prosperity under the rule of king Sauron. In the centre of the hall, he could see his nine Nazgûl busting some moves on the dancefloor while telling the ponies, "This is how we do it in Mordor!"
Sauron took no enjoyment in the event, nor had he done so for any moment of his reign over Equestria. Throughout the whole party he simply kept his face burried in his hands, groaning to himself. "This is my life now..."
"Isn't it great!?" Pinkie Pie shouted excitedly as she practically bounced beside the dark lord, the pink earth pony having arranged and was currently enjoying the festivities to her heart's content. It was in that moment, surrounded by bright colours and merriment without a hint of darkness or ruin that Sauron knew one thing for certain:
Somewhere in Valinor, Olórin was laughing at him.
