A Bright Night

Wallflower knows her heart shouldn’t have sunk when Celestia asked for a talk with Sunset. She knew she shouldn’t feel bad about it. She knew she should have let Sunset have that time for herself without feeling like it was hurting her.

But it was hurting her.

Being left out in the hallway alone while the two talked, in a castle she had no idea about - in a land she had no idea about - with no one she knew at all - well, by the time that Sunset had come back outside with Celestia, Wallflower’s thoughts had begun to race hard. And what was said next only made her heart hurt more.

Celestia wanting to spend time with Sunset most of the night should have been great. It should have been. She should have felt comfortable with the imposing ruler that was like her old principle.

But she wasn’t comfortable.

Everytime Wallflower craned her neck to look at Celestia - one of the rulers of this nation, former mentor of her girlfriend, and perhaps more, Wallflower could only think about one thing.

She wasn’t good enough for Sunset. That much was clear. If Wallflower had been good enough for Sunset, then she wouldn’t feel these spikes for Sunset wanting to spend time with Celestia. She wouldn’t feel bad about Sunset leaving her alone only for a bit. She wouldn’t want to whisk Sunset away to the gardens right away and avoid everybody else for the night.

But she did and she hated herself for it. However, Wallflower tried to make her thoughts not visible as she walked next to Sunset and Celestia down the hallway towards the main part of the gala. She smiled whenever Sunset looked at her - kept her ears pricked despite the instinct she was having to flatten them against her head.

These weren’t feelings that had never come up within their relationship before. It would be silly to pretend they were completely new. When Sunset had first proposed the idea of dating to Wallflower, Wallflower had brushed her off for very similar reasons. At that time, she didn’t believe after what she had done, that she deserved someone like Sunset. Someone who was putting in an effort to see her, to be friends with her, to hang out - and to make her feel like she was special. More than anyone else had done so before.

Sunset had helped assuage those feelings before, convincing Wallflower of her self-worth. That all she needed to give to the relationship was love and love back. A two-way support system. That’s what love and a relationship was supposed to be.

But now here she was, feeling like her own feelings outweighed Sunset’s once again. Wallflower had thought she was getting better about this. But maybe she wasn’t.

“Are you alright?” Wallflower blinked at Sunset’s words, realizing that she must have let her mask slip for a second and seeing her girlfriend’s worried expression on her face.

Immediately, Wallflower put another smile on her face as a front. “Yeah, I’m doing okay.”

“If you’re sure,” Sunset said, continuing to look a bit worried.

“I’m sure,” Wallflower said, putting false confidence into those words - which seemed to make Sunset believe her, because she soon turned to Celestia to speak up again. And yet Wallflower couldn’t help but tune out the conversation, as she felt another pinprick inside her. She just wanted Sunset to be happy. Even if she entirely wasn’t.

Even if the room they had reached was too bright, and the music a bit too loud. It was a jazzy tune, which wasn’t so bad, but it did make her want to hide away slightly. Not to mention, the number of ponies in the room, all talking to another. Not to mention the appearance of Celestia, despite her not leading the Gala, hadn’t gone unnoticed. Another little spike of anxiety ran through her as more ponies gathered close to them - seemingly unnoticed by Sunset for a moment,

It was too much. Despite wanting to keep calm, despite wanting to stay here and make it work - Wallflower felt a hitch in her breathing for a moment, as she closed her eyes, slowly moving from the table they were by, only hoping that Sunset hadn’t seen how she was yet. Trying to breathe, trying to calm herself down and yet failing badly.

“Wallflower?”

Wallflower opened her eyes, trying to blink back tears as she looked up, seeing not Sunset, but Rarity in front of her, looking both worried and surprised.

“Wallflower, darling, are you alright?” Rarity asked, reaching out a hoof. “Where’s Sunset?”

The pounding in her head wasn’t stopping despite the question- nor was her heart which seemed to be racing at a mile a minute, and Wallflower could only grit her teeth for one second before squeaking out a word. “Garden.”

Even in the spell of terror she was experiencing, she could feel a burst of gratefulness for the mare in front of her. No more questions were asked, as Rarity grabbed a hold of Wallflower’s and started directing her outside. That was good, because even though Wallflower now grass beneath her hooves, and could see the cool moonlight that lit up the gardens, the panic attack hadn’t subsided completely.

And to Rarity’s credit, she waited with Wallflower the whole time - saying nothing, but just being there for Wallflower. And right now, that was enough.

Soon enough, she felt it subsiding. She was still shaking slightly, but it wasn’t as bad. She was finally winding down, and sat in the grass next to Rarity, feeling her breaths come in more regular lengths now thankfully. She looked at Rarity, opening her mouth, and trying to find the words of thanks - but trying to formulate how appreciative she was of the other mare was fruitless. Rarity just gave a kind smile even though. Even as it was something she didn’t deserve.

“Wallflower?”

Oh no. She had noticed. Of course she did.

“Wallflower, are you okay?!” Sunset’s near panicked words came as she came in front of Wallflower, before looking at Rarity for an explanation.

“The poor dear had been experiencing a panic attack when I found her. She wanted to be outside so I led her out here where no other pony was.” Rarity said, her expression worried. “What happened back there?”

“I-I don’t know. I was just talking to Celestia and… I noticed Wallflower had slipped away. Wallflower-” Wallflower wanted to wilt on the spot right there, not answer any questions. “What happened?” Sunset asked, despite Wallflower’s internal wishes.

“I… I had a panic attack. It was too much. I’m sorry.” Wallflower whispered, closing her eyes and feeling like she wanted to evaporate right there.

“I’ll leave you two to it,” Rarity whispered, moving away from Wallflower as she reopened her eyes to see the other mare leave. She almost wanted to call for her to stay - but while she was grateful for what Rarity did, Wallflower had to explain what happened to Sunset alone for now.

“Wallflower… why didn’t you tell me?” Sunset moved closer. “I could have helped get you out of there, and done something.”

“I didn’t want you to worry.” Wallflower curled her legs in towards her, staring at the grass on the ground. “I… I got overwhelmed by everything going on. The ponies, being alone in a scary castle, being in a whole new world, and I know you wanted to spend time with Celestia, and that she’s important to you like family, and that is important, but…” Wallflower grit her teeth slightly.

“It was too much for my first trip here with you. And I don’t blame you for that, but…”

“No,” Sunset said, and Wallflower winced as she felt a foreleg loop around her. She didn’t deserve it. “It was too much. I should have known that… I’m so sorry that I put you through that.”

Wallflower blinked, feeling tears once again gathering in her eyes. “But it’s my fault. I shouldn’t be like this. It shouldn’t be too much!”

“It would be too much for anybody in your position. And I should have known that it was too much for you.” Sunset’s grip on her tightened, before she moved her head back and sighed. “Wallflower, we knew this is something we needed to work on - together. And that means I need to be able to help you out too. Hiding this stuff from me is only going to make it worse. I can’t help you if I don’t know.”

“I know…” Wallflower whispered, leaning into Sunset’s touch slightly, even if it was from a foreign body. “I know. And I’m sorry”

“We’re both sorry. How about that?” Sunset said softly, before sighing. “... I’m not sure if you want to continue this night at all. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. But if you want, we can spend the rest of tonight just out here, in the gardens. See the flowers and stuff. Or we could go straight home. Whatever you think.”

Wallflower was silent for a moment, thinking about it. After everything, she felt… tired. She knew everything wasn’t resolved. She knew things weren’t completely okay. But… she did want to see the gardens. And perhaps they could turn a bad night into a not so horrible night.

“I think I’d like to see the gardens…” Wallflower said, softly.

“Then let’s do that.” Sunset murmured, giving Wallflower one more big squeeze before getting up.

After a moment of wiping at her face, Wallflower followed suit, and leaned on Sunset slightly.

Things were not okay. And it was going to take a while for things to be okay. But for this one night, they could enjoy their time left and have fun.

And for now, that was what mattered.