not cupcakes HD, i swear (also, for an enhanced reading experience, I recommend you turn on text-to-speech)
One day pinkie pie was making authentic Japanese ramen at Sugarcube Corner. She found a recipe for authentic Japanese ramen by breaking the fourth wall and going to esteemed food website AllRecipes.com to find authentic Japanese ramen recipe. Pinkie was saying that Sugarcube Corner was going to need to diversify because Hasbro was going to cancel them if they sell too many sugary treats that promote childhood obesity among their key viewer demographics.
Pinkie said to Mrs. Cake, “We must diversify our menu to cater to the needs of the woke generation and their desire for trendy food options and cultural diversity.”
To which Mrs. Cake replied, “I think you’re going loco, Pinkie Pie.”
To which Ponka replied, “Not loco. Loco moco!” Which is a delicious traditional Hawaiian dish consisting of white rice, egg, and a patty with gravy poured over it. Another dish that Pinkie wants to add to Sugarcube corner’s menu.
Pinkie spent all of her off day inside Sugarcube corner making the perfect ramen broth. And Pinkie Pie was getting real hype about this delicious recipe, because let’s face it Pinke gets hype about everything. She can get hype about a Logan Paul video if she wanted to.
So Pinkiepink was walking around Ponyville on a fine sunny day telling everyopny about her delicious new ramen recipe.
And then she stopped by Rainbow Dash’s house cause she needed to make up for the painful blow to her psyche after she found out that Rainbow doesn’t actually like pies. She doesn’t even like lemon cream pies, ~~but Rianbow Dash is a flaming lesbian so I guess it makes sense.~~
Pinkie went up to Rainbow Dah’s cloud house by bouncing on the biggest baddest Super Trampoline and she said, “Hey rainbow Dash, wanna come and have a taste of this delicious ramen that I’m making at Sugarcube Corner?”
And Rainbow Dash said “Yes, I’m bucking hungry and I haven’t had breakfast yet. I could kill for a hot bowl of noodles.”
So they walked together to sugarcube corner and along the way Dash asked, “Hey Pinkie, what’s in this ramen recipe?”
“Ooh, there’s cabbage, carrots, handmade noodles, and poached egg, all in a super special broth!”
Rainbow Dash was licking her lips ~~like she licked applejack last night~~ “Wow that sounds really tasty Pinkie! What’s in the broth?”
“It’s really special! There’s shiitake mushroom, salt, miso—ooh, ooh, and then at the end I put a little dashi in the broth.”
Raibnow Dash stopped walking. “Say what noW!?”
“Ahaha, I know, shiitake mushroom sounds like a cuss word if you say it halfway, but don’t worry this is a kids’ show so I’m not allowed to cuss!”
“No, no, no, that last thing you said.”
“Oh, I add a little dashi, finely chopped, into the soup—”
“KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and then rainbow dash ran for her dear life, leaving a rainbow trail.
“Oh come on Dashie, ‘shit’ isn’t even that bad of a cuss word,” Pinkie said.
Rainbow Dash stormed through the door of Twilight’s castle and yelled, “Twilight, pinkie is going to butcher me alive like in Cupcakes HD!!!!”
Rainbow Dash ahd actually been butchered alive in a previous deleted episode of My litte pony but because of cartoon logic, she’s still alive, and the deleted episode “Cupcakes HD” was relegated to a degenerate parallel universe of Equestria called BronyLand. And also everypony forgave Pinkie Pie for butchering Rianbow dash because it’s a kid’s show ~~yet they bucking petrified a ten year old foal in the finale episode what the fuck~~
“Are you sure!?” Twilight said.
“Yes!” Rainbow Dahs said, “Pinkie’s going to boil my body parts in this ramen soup that she’s making. She said, and I quote, ‘I’m going to add a little Dashie finely chopped,’ into her boiling hot soup~!!!!!!”
“LE GAAAAAAAAAASSP!!!!!!” Twilight said. “This is an emergency!”
So all the girls except for Pinkie Pie gathered in the friendship castle playset and discussed what to do.
“What to do?” Princess Twiggly wigly said.
“Maybe we should call Princess Celestia,” Futtershy said. And then Applejack gave Fluttershy 10,000 noogies for telling a lie, because everyone knows that Celestia is useless except if ponies played in the NBA, or if you’ve got too much cake in your fridge that needs to be eaten up.
“I know, we should schedule a sting operation,” DWK’s waifu Rarity said. “Just before Rainbow Dash is harmed by Pinkie, a bunch of us will storm in to stop her. We’ll catch Pinkie red-handed, and then ~~hand~~ hoof her to the authorities.”
And they choose that option because that’s how I decided to continue this story and I’m lazy to write any more explanation than that.
So then with all the girls behind her, and Navy SEALs hiding in the bushes surrounding Sugarcube corner in case something went wrong, Rainbow Dash stepped inside Sugarcube corner, wearing a wire. As in any sick undercover operation on TV, the Cake children, clutching their favorite stuffed animals, were secretly evacuated from the building in an armored truck, and driven off to a safe location.
You’re probably wondering why it’s Navy SEALs, and not the Royal Guard or the Wonderbolts. It’s because the Wonderbolts are pretty useless, they couldn’t even save Rarity from falling from the sky in that one episode, and the Royal Guard is pretty shit at protecting Canterlot considering the number of successful invasions there’s been in just nine seasons.
So, Princess Twilight had to go through the portal to Earth and talk to President Joebiden and ask if he could loan a cartoon pony nation in an alternate dimension 10,000 Navy SEALs. And President Joe Biden said yes and signed the paper while Kamala Harris wasn’t watching and his teleprompter was being rebooted.
Inside Sugarcue Corner, Rainbow Dash saw Pinkie standing at the stove, stirring her giant cauldron of ramen soup, big enough to fit a pony.
“Hey, Dashie, ready to dive into this steamy hot soup?” Pinkie said, with the scariest toothy smile Rainbow Dash had ever seen.
“AWESSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEE~~~!!!!!!!!!” Rainbow Dash yelled, but she wasn’t acutaly saying awesome, she said awesome because that was the designated safe word if she felt like her life was in danger.
And so then the Navy SEALs broke down the door, all the windows, and they all pointed their snipers at Pinkie Pie but they didn’t actually kill her because this fic is only rated T, and Pinkie is absolutely precious and what would the world be without her smile to brighten up our days.
Pinkie was panicking and sweating and biting her nails even though horses don’t have nails. “What the hay is THIS!? YOU’VE GOT IT ALL WRONG!!!!”
And then meanwhile on the other side of town, Autumn Blaze the Asian pony just got out of the Ponyville jail because everyone thought she was saying the n-word while speaking in her traditional Kirin language. (True fact though, the word in Mandarin Chinese for “that” sounds exactly like the n-word, a USC Chinese-language professor literally got suspended because they thought he was saying the n-word.)
And then Autmn blaze ran over to Sugrcube Corner like a flaming night in Shining Armour~~’s ass~~ and she was like, “GIRLS! THIS IS A TERRIBLE MISUNDERSTANDING! Dashi is a traditional Asian fish stock! It’s not made of Rainbow Dash!”
“Oh, you mean you guys didn’t know that?” Pinkie said, leaning casually against the wall.
“Wait so you’re not trying to kill and butcher me?” Rainbow dash said.
“No she’s not!” Autumn Blaze said. “But for future reference, Pinkie, it’s pronounced ‘dAH-shee’.”
“Oooooh so this was a huge misunderstanding,” Twilight breathd a sigh of relief. She let all the Navy SEALs go back to Earth and paid the US government with 10 truckloads of gold Bits that she had lying around. At the current rate, that's enough to pay for one week of health insurance in the US.
“Thank Celestia this was a misunderstanding,” Twilgiht said. “I don’t know what we would have done if Rianbow Dash were gone.”
“We’d have one less narcissistic blue cunt in Equestria to worry about!?” Applejack suggested. “But then Rainbow Dahs isn’t dead so my point is irrelevant I guess.” And also AJ, everyone knows Rarity is a far bigger narcississt.
“Well, now that’s settled, who wants some ramen?” Pinkie said, opening the big metal cauldron of steaming soup.
So Pinkie served six bowls of ramen for everypony. Spike didn’t get one because he was forgotten and neglected as usual, and Applejack didn’t get one because she’s a background pony, even more background than Autumn Blaze, even though Autumn isn’t even technially a pony.
“My goodness, darling, this fish consommé is absolutely divine,” Rarity said the most stereotypically Rarity thing in the most streotypically Rarity tone.
“This noodle soup is so tasty!” Twilight said. “Thank you so much for preparing this, Pinkie!”
It was quiet as everyone ate the dashi broth ramen. About two spoonfuls in, Rainbow dash broke the silence.
“Wait, aren’t we all supposed to be vegetarian?”
Author's Note
I had been wanting to write a story based on the titular pun for a long time, but I couldn't come up with a story idea until this afternoon.
