Author's Note
Ask Your Mother
Flurry Heart walked into her father’s game room with a skip in her step and a secret on her mind.
“Hey, Dad?” she asked, approaching her father, who laid on a rather ornate couch in a position that would likely cause multiple-sclerosis “Are you busy?”
“Nah, just rewatching a show. What’s up?” he said, returning to a sitting position like a normal horse -- which is a hotly debated topic for some reason.
“So, uhm, there’s this colt-”
At that moment, Shining had a rush of emotions that caused him to see red. A sound escaped his mouth that sounded akin to a baby dragon suddenly realizing that not only his secret gem stash was stolen, but it was replaced with a pissed raccoon.
“Dad?” Flurry asked, instantly concerned at the pained feminine shriek her father emitted. “Are you okay?”
“No- Er,” Shining faltered. “I need you to regress in age, like, 10 years.”
“Dad, I’m sixteen. You and Mom said it was okay for me to start dating-”
“I know, but,” he interjected with a whine.
“Dad, all I want is for him to come over to study. Maybe play some games. We have a group project in Biology, and if we get it done early I thought we could watch a movie.”
He looked at his little pony, who had just the gentlest glimmer of hope in her eye. This was the same little girl that he had helped burp, change, play with, helped study for her classes. He looked at her and not only saw the little filly that she once was, but the young mare that she had grown to become. In some ways, she looked just like her mother.
“Please?” she asked.
And if there’s one thing he remembered when his wife was that age, was what he and Cadance would get up to when the lights were down low. He saw his little girl, biting her lower lip-
Shining suddenly had a heart attack and died. Not really, but that’s what Flurry thought in that moment as her father collapsed onto the floor.
“Daddy!”
“I’m okay,” he mumbled weakly. Then, suddenly, he had an idea. One so devious that it could only result in his little girl being a chaste, abstinent, and good little princess until the age of thirty.
He looked at her, and with hope in his voice, and said:
“Go ask your Mother.”
“Shit,” Flurry mumbled as she stood outside of her mother’s office.
The reality of the situation was that this scared Flurry more than asking the boy to come to her house. She knocked on the door in front of her.
“Come in!” called her Mother from inside.
Flurry pushed the door open. The Princess of Love, sporting more than a few grey hairs that were hastily (and poorly) dyed, had her attention focused intently on the scroll that she was marking with a quill.
“This is supposed to be the speech I take to the Wittenland?!” she growled to herself. “I can’t go and preach to them about loving one another when they can barely keep their society democratic. This is such a mess.”
She tossed the scroll to the side and rubbed her temple.
“I think I should call off this trip, Shiny. I’m so tired.”
Flurry Heart wasn’t sure what to say. She never really was sure how to speak to her mother. After all, she saw her at… what. Dinner? She knew her mother was the Princess of Love. A wonderful public speaker. And that she kept Flurry busy and seeming like the most prim and proper royal that she could be.
“Mom?” Flurry asked.
Cadance jumped in her seat and looked up at her daughter.
“Flurry! I’m sorry, I didn’t see it was you,” she said. “I’ll be down for dinner in a few minutes.”
“Dinner was two hours ago, Mom,” Flurry said. “I’m sure that Everett put some in the fridge.”
“Everett?”
“Our chef?” Flurry said.
“Oh!” Cadance said. “I forgot that. I just- I’ve been working to get this trip set up.”
“I know,” Flurry said. “I didn’t want to bother you, really.”
In that moment, a certain chill that gripped Cadance’s attention melted away, she stood from her seat and walked to her daughter. She placed a hoof to her cheek, her eyes studying her as if seeing her daughter for the first time.
“Sweetie, you are never a bother to me. You’re my precious little angel.”
Flurry smiled. She opened her mouth to speak but found herself short of words. She never heard her mom say that before.
“Well, um. Dad said I should ask you. There’s this colt-”
Cadance suddenly had a heart attack and died.
Well, not really. Not in the medical sense. Bur rather, Cadance suddenly was filled with life and her pupils transformed into little hearts.
“FLURRY! YOU HAVE A COLTFRIEND!”
This was exactly what Flurry was afraid of.
“H-he’s not my coltfriend, Mom. We’re just doing a group project for school.”
Cadance did a little dance that both indicated that she was happy and that she clearly didn’t know how to dance. After all, Twilight learned from her.
“I KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME! What’s his name? What’s the school project? What class is it for? IS IT FOR BIOLOGY?! OH THAT’S SO PERFECT FOR YOUR FIRST KISS!”
“Mom!” Flurry interrupted. “It’s not like any of that. Besides it’s just for school and I’ve already had my first kiss.”
“Oh Sweetie, you don’t need to lie to me,” Cadance said, putting a hoof on her daughter’s back. “We know your father barely lets you see fillies, let alone colts.”
“Which made a lot of weird questions,” Flurry mumbled.
“What?”
“Nothing, anyway. His name is Spruce-”
“A generic tree name! Perfect for colts.”
“Are you really critiquing my crush’s name right now, Mom.”
“No, but I did just learn he’s your crush,” Cadance teased.
Flurry’s face flushed and she shook her head wildly.
“LISTEN!” she shouted. “ALL I WANTED TO KNOW IS IF HE COULD COME FRIDAY FOR DINNER!”
“Friday, well my trip would-”
Cadance froze for a moment, then looked to the speech, lying on the floor.
“Flurry,” Cadance said warmly, “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“What?!” Flurry gasped.
“What…” Shining growled through gritted teeth, holding his fourth glass of wine, “do you do for fun, Bruce.”
“Spruce,” the colt said weakly. “Uh. I like, uh, Stableknight.”
“Stableknight?” Shining scoffed. “Back in my day, games had adventure and intricate storylines. Not any of this dab-floss nonsense.”
Flurry had a heart attack and died probably thirty minutes ago, so her face was buried into her mashed potatoes. Her mother hummed gently to herself as she dined on her meal.
“Isn't this just nice?” Cadance said in a singsong voice. “How did you and Flurry meet, Spruce?”
“We were paired off in class, Mom.”
Spruce looked to Flurry but then looked away in a blush. Cadance noticed his combed and gelled mane, smelled the discount cologne, and placed a hoof on her husband’s trembling shoulder. She cleared her throat.
“Well, I’m sure we’re just being a total drag right now. Once you two are through, I’m sure you’re eager to get to work. The sooner you get done, the sooner you can show your friend around the rest of the castle.”
Flurry looked up at her Mom in genuine surprise. She was being, as the ponies said, a ‘total bro’.
“Yeah, I think we’re done. Right, Spruce?”
“Y-yeah,” he said quietly.
And with a poof, the two kids disappeared.
Shining looked to his wife, his eye twitching.
“They’re going to have the sex. You know that’s what they’re going to do. All the sex.”
Cadance smiled and took her husband’s glass of wine and took a deep sip.
“My dear, trust me. When you’re the Princess of Love, you not only learn a thing or two about what works… but…”
Spruce and Flurry poofed back into existence in a large, ornate bedroom on the other side of the Crystal Castle.
“I’m… so. So. Sorry,” Flurry said. "My dad is doing the protective dad thing."
“No, it’s okay,” Spruce said. “But- did you really tell your parents that we had a Biology project to do?”
“I was under a lot of pressure!” Flurry retorted. “Besides, it’s not a lie! Even if we did finish it a week ago.”
Spruce laughed and shook his head.
“Well, did you get the goods?” he asked.
Flurry bit her bottom lip and winked at him.
“Did I?” she said. “Did I ever…”
Her horn glowed and a Blu-ray disc appeared into the air. Spruce freaked out as his little nerd heart exploded.
“How! The Neighder Cut of the Power Ponies movie wasn’t even supposed to exist!”
Flurry chuckled to herself.
“Let’s just call it a family perk,” she said.
She moved to her television, which Spruce mistook for a part of the wall. And it was at that moment that the colt looked around and had the sudden realization he was in a girl’s room. There was a somewhat... Lilac smell. He then quickly checked his breath, hoping Flurry didn’t notice. She pretended not to notice. She put the disc in the player and then turned back to him.
“Alright! Now just to get comfy.”
Spruce looked around for a chair.
There was none. Spruce rolled for deduction. He failed.
“But there aren’t any chairs," he said.
Flurry walked toward him and pushed him onto her bed.
“Guess we just gotta lay on the bed then.”
Flurry was proud of herself as she guided Spruce through the night. He was a little dense, but she thought that was so cute. Finally, somepony who wouldn’t call her some sort of super nerd. And he seemed so chill about the whole royalty thing. Or at least, it never came up.
Spruce held his breath and his mind was in a haze, in disbelief he was on the bed of a Princess that he had a crush on and was hoping that something wouldn’t come up and ruin the moment. Or maybe it would further the moment. He didn’t know. He had dreams about this moment. But now he was simply in disbelief it was happening.
Flurry grabbed a pillow and slapped him across the face.
“Don’t be a perv,” she said.
“Who said I was being a perv, perv,” he retorted. She jumped onto the bed and laid with her head facing the TV.
The colt looked at the filly in a mild haze.
‘Oh god, can I cuddle her,’ he wondered.
‘Get over here and cuddle me!’ Flurry screamed in her mind.
Spruce inched closer to her, his eyes on the screen. A dark title screen rolled across the screen, delivering a heavy exposition that he already memorized by heart.
“Can I cuddle you?” he asked.
Flurry’s face flushed and she nodded gently.
Spruce pushed himself closer. He felt like he was growing hot as he wrapped a hoof around her. It was even better than when he held her hoof under the table at lunch. This was special.
Flurry was dancing in her brain. It wasn’t a good dance. After all, Cadance was her mother.
Flurry turned to face Spruce. She looked deep into his eyes and smiled. He blushed deeply. She inched her face closer. Closer.
The door to her room burst open like a goose that ate a pack of mentos and was drinking Coke.
“HOWDY KIDS,” Cadance yelled, dressed in a gaudy Cupid outfit. “I’M THE SEX FAIRY, HERE TO TEACH YOU ABOUT SAFE SEX.”
Flurry could not describe the abject horror she felt in that moment. She whited out and the two ponies leaped off of her bed.
“MOM! OH MY GOD.”
“FIRST THINGS FIRST! ALWAYS USE A COOONDOOOMMM!”
With a light of her horn, Cadance was making condoms rain from the sky like singles on Princess night at the strip club.
“I HATE YOU WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!” Flurry screamed, sprinting at her mother and pushing her out of her bedroom.
“ALWAYS BE SURE TO TAKE TIME FOR WATER BREAKS AND DONT BE AFRAID TO LAUGH BECAUSE SEX IS ALL ABOUT HAVING FUN.”
“MOM GET OUT OF MY ROOM”
Flurry Heart developed a sort of super strength as she pushed her mother out of the room and slammed the door shut.
A silence filled the room as Flurry sunk to the floor and covered her face.
“Uhm,” Spruce said. “Okay, that was a little weird. What even was that?”
“LITTLE ONES, WE CALL THAT A HEART ATTACK. IT’S ALL ABOUT SAFE LOVE.”
“PLEASE JUST GO DIE OH MY GOD MOM.”
And it was at that moment that Flurry realized that she would never have a normal love life. Not with the Princess of Love as her mom.
