"Apples? Check. Juice? Check. Impenetrable armor? Check. Yeah, I'm good to go."
On a peaceful afternoon in Canterlot, a unicorn stallion guard arrives in the castle's foyer awaiting to start his shift. Down the hallway, he spots a guard mare with arrows stuck in her armor limping toward him and meets her halfway.
"She's napping right now," she sighs. "Good luck."
"No problem," he nods. "We've dealt with worse."
"Oi, don't remind me..."
The stallion watches the mare limp off before entering the room ahead. Inside, he walks over the clutter of children's toys to a wide baby crib topped with a plethora of fluffy throw pillows.
"Rise and shine, little one," he whispers, peering into the bed. "Time to wake-"
The guard's silly smirk vanishes.
"Oh, hayfeathers."
Frantic, he flips back the covers and digs deep within the mountain of pillows and plushies only to find nothing underneath.
"Where are you, ya little troublemaker?" he utters, scanning every inch of the room. "These walls are magically sealed, so there's no way you can get out so easily. Is somepony plotting again?"
"YAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"
From above, a little changeling foal armed with a dull butter knife leaps from a hanging ceiling light and dives for the stallion.
"Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!" she squeaks, weakly stabbing the guard's impenetrable breastplate.
"Chryssy," the guard sighs, levitating the wriggling child. "What are you doing?"
"Silence so that I may hear your thwoat gurgle with blood, peasant! Die! Die! Die!"
"Somepony woke up on the wrong side of the cradle."
"You'd be angwy too if you had to endure days of heawing yourself talk with this unbeawable speech impediment. I'm gonna disembowel Celestia for that!"
"Perhaps, but it's so darn adorable hearing it from you."
"Grrrrrrr..."
"Come on now, let's getcha something to eat."
"Ooh, is your spleen on the menu? With a side of aged love?"
"Funny."
The guard places the frowning queen in a foal-sized pouch attached to his breastplate and straps her in tight before exiting the magically enhanced room toward the kitchen.
"Hmm..." Chryssy ponders, observing the vast hallways.
"Whatch'a thinking about?" the guard asks.
"Just planning my escape."
"Awww, you're already playing make-believe."
"Silence! I will libewate myself fwom this awful pwison you call a 'kingdom' and take over Equestwia!"
The stallion drowns out the filly's adora-bolical speech upon entering the royal kitchen. He sets her down in a high chair near the dining room table and pours a few apples onto the counter beside a mixing bowl.
"I brought a few treats for you to have today-"
THWACK!
A thick kitchen knife grazes the stallion's helmet and pierces the wooden wall beside him.
"Ooh, thanks, I needed that." he hums, plucking the utensil out and cutting up a couple crisp apples.
"One of these days, one of these days..." Chryssy grumbles.
"Don't make me have to put you in time out now."
"Do your worst, you're just giving me more time to conjure up my escape plan!"
"Why do you wanna escape so much?"
"I used to have awmies, soldiers, a kingdom so hazardous that it could poke the eyes of my enemies at evewy turn. I AM QUEEN CHWYSALIS, WULER OF THE CHANGELINGS! I shall contwol you and evewypony you hold dear and when I'm weleased from this dweadful cutesy wutesy spell, I swear to the high heavens that I will stwike again!"
"..."
"...well?"
"You're precious when you're monologuing."
"I loathe you."
"I wuv you too."
"Urgh! Wait......say that again."
"What, that I wuv you?"
"Yes, say that again...a little closer..."
Curious, the stallion approaches the suspicious child, whose frown lifts up into an anticipating grin.
"I wuv..."
Chryssy's pupils shrink to the size of toothpicks and her jaw hangs alarmingly low. She bears her sharp jagged fangs, drool slides down her dangling serpent-like tongue as she emits a low hiss from her hungry gaze.
"No!" the guard huffs, flicking the foal on the nose with a wooden spoon. "BAD changeling overlord, BAD!
"Owww!" she whines, rubbing her nose. "Can't blame me for twying though. Queen's gotta eat!"
"You eat pony food now."
"Bleh! You mean this gawbage?!"
"Hey, it'll taste alot better if you would just reform already, ya know."
"NEVAH!!!"
"Why not?"
"Because I- mmm!"
"Because nothing." the guard sighs, plopping a spoonful of applesauce into the changeling's puckered mouth. "Now hush up and eat your 'garbage', silly filly."
"Augh! That's putwid! How could that ignowant farm pony stomach this waste?!"
"Relax, Chryssy. It's a nice day here. The sun is shining..."
"Yuck."
"Everypony's happy..."
"Gag!"
"The birds are singing-"
CHOMP!
The guard turns around and spots a flailing yellow wing fluttering about between the foal's lips.
"NO, DROP IT!" he gasps. "NOW, CHRYSSY!"
"Grrrrrrrrrr!" she growls.
"Drop!"
"...grrr."
Chrysalis begrudgingly releases the poor bird from her robust maw as it darts out of the kitchen window like a gunshot.
"What?" the changeling shrugs. "I was just eating like you told me to-"
Her snide remarks are cut off with a sippy cup.
"Mmm..."
"Good, isn't it?"
"N-No, you fool! I will destwoy you! ...just after a few mo' sips.
"Okay, now that you're settled, let's see if you remember your letters. A."
"Mmm, awson."
"B."
"Beware."
"C."
"Castwation."
"D."
"DIE!!!"
Chrysalis flips her dish onto the floor and lunges from her high chair with the same dull knife, stabbing at the guard's helmet, barely leaving a scratch on it.
"Okay, we'll come back to that another time." the stallion sighs, picking the foal up in his magic and sitting her back down in her high chair. "Let's move on to a little math."
"And evewypony says I'M evil..."
"So, if you had twelve apples and I ate five of them-"
"Take them all! Spare me!"
"Hmm, maybe I should do one in a way you'd understand......okay, I got it."
"I'm all ears."
"Celestia has 40 teeth. You use a wrench to knock out 18. How many teeth would she have left?"
"Pfffft, that would be 22 teeth, but I can swing hawder than that!"
"Alrighty then. What are my chances of surviving your wrath?"
"The exact percentage of your chances of survival is .00004657333 wepeating infinitely!"
"Goodness, you're a thorough one. Here's one more. Ponies have 205 bones, you brainwash and break 58 of one pony. How many are there left for you to mutilate?"
"Precisely 147 bones for me to feast on!"
"That's correct, you did it, Chryssy!"
"Yaaaaaay!"
Shocked by her reaction, Chrysalis covers her mouth.
"Chryssy, did you just 'yay'?" the guard chuckles.
"W-What?! NO!"
"You just yay'd!"
"Silence!"
"You'll be reformed in no time, little one. Just you wait!"
"You know nothing!"
"Whatever you say. Come, let's get you cleaned up."
The guard picks up Chryssy and trots over to turn the large sink on.
"Don't you dare bathe me!" she hisses, waddling away from the soapy sink.
"Okay then. If you do this one thing correctly, I'll let you go free right now."
"Challenge accepted, bring it on!"
"Say 'refrigerator' and you're free to go."
"Wefwigewator."
"I'm sorry, a what?"
"Wwwwwefwigewator!"
"Still don't know what that is, Chryssy."
"Wefwigewat- oh, buck this. FWEEDOM!"
Chrysalis hops off the counter and makes a cute li'l dash toward the door, only to be magically flung right into the bubbly water.
"I hate you." she huffs, wiping her drenched mane off her face.
"I know."
Nightfall approaches. Having been fed, bathed and tolerated, Chrysalis sits angrily in the middle of her playroom.
"It's getting past your bedtime, little one," the guard says impatiently. "You need to go to sleep."
"I wefuse," she yawns, with her hooves crossed. "Vengeance......never wests!"
"But fillies do. Let's go."
"Nuuuuuuu..." the sleepy foal barely puts up a struggle as her sitter lays her down in the cozy crib. "I don't wanna sleep wight now."
"Is it 'cuz a certain somepony is missing their blankie?" he coos, waving a silky green blanket over her.
"What, that filthy wag? Pwepostewous!"
"You suuuuuure?"
"Hmph......I guess I'll take it..."
Chrysalis yanks her blankie and wraps her holey hooves around it tight, scrunching up her muzzle.
"There we go. Isn't that better."
"Mmm......maybe. Tell anypony and I kill you."
"Heh, sure you will."
"No, sewiously, I will kill you. I will weach into your chest, pull out your beating heart, and eat it. ALL of it. Evewy last bit."
"..."
"Well, good night. Sleep well..."
"Y-Yeah."
"Don't wowwy, I've gwown to......appweciate you, I suppose."
"Really? You mean it?"
"Of couwse."
"Aww, come here."
The stallion happily wraps and swaddles Chrysalis up in her warm blankie, leaning her into a tender huggle, nuzzling her dark cheek.
"That's why I'll kill you last, hehehe." she whispers in his ears.
"Goodnight, Chryssy." he scoffs, resting her on a pillow.
"Pwepare for tomorrow, guard."
"Why? What's happening tomorrow?"
"The same thing I do evewy day, fool," Chrysalis chuckles, rubbing her hooves together menacingly in the blankie. "Twy to take over Equestwia! Ha ha haa!"
Author's Note
It's Chryssy & the Guard
Yes, Chryssy & the Guard.
One is a changeling, the other is scarred.
She tried to take the world
Her fate is now absurd.
It's whimsy.
It's Chryssy & the Guard, Guard, Guard, Guard, Guard!
