"Twilight, what is heat?"
"Hey Twilight." Said Spike, entering the crystal castle's library.
"Hi, Spike." Twilight replied, acknowledging the small dragons entrance.
Twilight was currently indulging of an old pass-time of her's; reading. It was one of those rare days where she finished all her princess duties, and has some extra time on her hooves
Spike sits down in the seat across from Twilight, and suddenly becomes very interested in his claws, scratching one with the other. Twilight sighs, and puts her book down. She knows what that means; Spike always likes to mess with his claws when he has question on his mind. She decides that she should address it now and get it over with.
"Spike."Twilight says clearly. Spike perked up. "Do you have something you want to ask me?"
Spike looked at Twilight hesitantly, "Yes, actually.. how'd you know?"
"I had a feeling."
"Okay, so....." Spike scratched his chin as he visibly thought about what to stay. "i was looking for Rainbow Dash, so I could show her these recently Wonderbolt comics I got, and I found her at the local bar, okay? And she was just drinking with this orange pegasus guy."
"Okay..." Twilight says, concerned.
"They're really drunk, right? And, they went into this bathroom, and a few minutes go by, okay?" Spike thinks for a moment. "And then Rainbow starts yelling real loud, and long story short..." Spike shifts in his seat, and his expression turns to one of concern."Twilight, what is heat?"
Twilight just stared at him. She couldn't believe what she just heard.
But Spike kept going.
"Also, why would she get arrested for it?" Spike asked, his brow furrowing. "I heard one of the cops say something about 'public sex' or something."
Twilight felt her mouth drop.
"Twilight, I have some more questions." Spike continued.
"Okay...."Twilight mumbled, actually scared of what was to come.
"What is cocaine?" Spike asked nonchalantly.
"SP-SPIKE!" Twilight shouted, thoroughly alarmed. "Where in Equestria did you hear that word?"
But Spike didn't answer, he kept going.
"What is a lesbian, and why Trixie call you one?"
Twilight felt her face redden. "Wha-"
"What is a succubus, and why is Berry Punch walking around town saying she is one?" Spike inquired.
Twilight was making odd mouth noises now.
"What is a 'pussy?'" Spike continues. "I thought it was a cat at first, but the way Button Mash was saying it is making me think otherwise."
"Spike-"
"What is a human, and why does Lyra always talk about them?"
"Spike, please.."
"Oh, I got a good one! Are we fake?" Spike asked.
"What.. what do you mean?" Twilight was genuinely confused by this one.
"Like, are we just fictional characters made to entertain a young audience, but an older one found us, and started to watch us as well? Did they then take us, and put us into weird, comedic scenarios that wouldn't actually happen in the first place, based upon the morals of equine society? Did they also take us, and put us into perverted, sexual events that also would never happen, because of the aforementioned morals? Did they also choose favorites, and pinned them together in a romantic relationship, writing about how they could see them together, getting married, and having children? Did they also create alternate versions of our world, tearing apart what made us, us? Did they also happen to insert themselves into our world usually under different names, and often with different personalities? And finally, why does Pinkie have the answer to all of this?" Spike finally finished.
Twilight sighed in relief; finally, a question she could answer. "No, Spike. That's ridiculous." She chuckled slightly.
"Okay, I was just wondering..." Spike said. "Oh! Are you gonna answer my other questions?"
"Uh... I'll try." Twilight cleared her throat. "Heat is the feeling a pony get's when she's ready to 'make babies,' as some say."
"Okay."
"Cocaine is a drug, and you should never EVER even CONSIDER using it." Twilight continued.
"Noted."
"I tell you what a succubus when you're older." Twilight finished. "And that is all I am answering."
"Ahem." A voice from the corner of the room. A rather familiar voice. "Are we just going to ignore the fact that a baby dragon just had an insanely specific extensional crisis, and you just brushed it off like he was asking you if pigs can fly!"
"Hi, Discord." Twilight deadpanned. "Also, pigs can't fly."
Discord uncrossed his arms - yes he was crossing his arms - and stared at Twilight. "They can't?"
Twilight sighed. "No, Discord..."
"Then, what's flying towards that window right now?" Discord asked, pointed towards the closest window. As if on cue, the window bursts open, and in comes a sweaty, bruised, and slightly drunk looking, Rainbow Dash. "Ah, nevermind."
"Twilight!" Rainbow shouted in panic, running towards the unicorn in question. "I need your help!"
Twilight, who was visibly becoming irritated, sighed heavily. "With what?"
"Keeping me out of prison!" Rainbow then started speaking really quickly. "Okay, so, for context, I was drinking with an old buddy of mine at the bar, because we were celebrating that I was enlisted as an official Wonderbolt, right?" Twilight nodded automatically, not really even listening at this point. "So we got really drunk, and we both went the bathroom, and, uh, we, um..." Dash's face then became extremely red, before she shook her head, and continuing. "Anyway, I need your help! PLEASE!"
"Sure, whatever." Twilight was reading her book again, not listening.
"YES! THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANK" Rainbow went on, hugging Twilight as tight as pony-ly possible. "Alright, see you!!" She then preceded to fly out the smashed window she came in through.
"Mm." Twilight hummed.
Today was going to be a long day...
"Storm, what are you doing?"
"Shh, I'm making a story!"
"Is this going going to be like the last time?"
"Faust, what do you mean?"
"What I mean is, last time you 'accidentally' created a paradox that ended all life, except you and I, and I had to fix everything."
"Uh.... no. It's not going to be like last time."
"Fine. Just don't break anything."
"I won't"
Author's Note
I hate this.
I actually fucking hate this.
(Made in under two hours as a challenge from my boys over at Discord.)
