Princess Luna and her strange new pet entered the winter wasteland which was formerly known as Yakyakistan. It had been a whole four hours since the Alpha Timberwolf had joined her on her quest to vanquish smaller threats while Twilight and her friends focused on taking out the big villains.

As they continued onward, Luna noticed a small hut alone in the snow. There were no structures anywhere else nearby, pony-made or otherwise. Mount Everhoof in the background was the closest one.

The Alpha Timberwolf tensed as soon as it noticed the hut. From what Luna had noticed about the timberwolf’s behavior, that meant there was danger. The princess of the night slowly made her way to the door.

The hut was made of mismatched types of wood, and the architecture resembled the huts of Yakyakistan. She tentatively pushed the door open.

The inside was far more spacious than the outside would have suggested. The door led straight into some sort of cafeteria. The Alpha Timberwolf sat outside the door and whimpered. Luna briefly glanced back before continuing.

She exited the cafeteria to notice two corpses of hairless apes, one still burning and the other with a knife in its back. She stepped back into the cafeteria to exit through the other side, which revealed a door which she presumed to have been formerly locked. A clear, sticky liquid covered the floor, and a note read “i SnOrT fLeX gLuE eVeRyDaY aWwW yEaH cAn'T sToP mE nOwWwWw”. The sign on the door was smudged, but Luna barely made out the words “Phil Swift clone #16”.

As she continued down the hallway, she passed what she presumed to be the kitchen with a corpse sliced in half lying on the floor. For some reason, the blood had been mopped up, but the corpse was left there.

Luna quickly found what she presumed to be the office of whoever owned the place. She knocked. Ten seconds passed, and she pushed the door open with her magic. Inside, there was a desk. On top of the desk, there was a laptop, a very small fish tank, a nuclear launch button, and a potted cactus. Behind the desk, there was a red and black gamer chair. Sitting on the chair was a light brown-haired human with green eyes. A golden crown floated above his head. He seemed to be drawing something in a notebook.

“Ahem,” Luna said, breaking the silence, “someone needs to clean up the corpses in the hall.”

“The janitor removed the ones in the cafeteria after we let him out,” the human said without looking up. “I think he also mopped up blood and guts from the corpse in the kitchen. I’ll clean them up once I decide to turn on the respawn generator.”

“I could clean that up right now,” Luna suggested.

“I kinda need to shove them into my glorified meat grinder so I can respawn them.” The human put his notebook down and checked the laptop. “We have two openings in our Equestrian branch. You want a job?”

“I am the princess of an entire nation. I don’t need a job.”

“You can do it for free,” the human said, “or alternatively, my guys can take over Equestria in sixty days.”

“... fine.”

The train pulled into the Crystal Empire. Or it would have, if it didn’t get derailed by a rock placed on the rails. The train flew off the tracks, did a triple flip in the air, killed at least six ducks, two pigeons, and an unidentified species of bird, and landed perfectly on top of the Crystal Heart.

Twilight woke up from the absolute chaos that happened. “Whu-what? Where are we?”

“We’re in the Crystal Empire, silly!” Pinkie explained without a smile. Not that she wasn’t smiling, she probably was, but she didn’t have a mouth. Her voice seemed to be coming from underneath a seat. Pinkie Pie reached her hoof underneath and pulled out a mouth. She slapped it on herself.

“What? What happened to Chrysalis?”

“Nothing! Trixie happened!” Once Pinkie finished the sentence, Trixie’s hat dropped from the ceiling. Twilight once again expected Discord to pop out from the hat or the hat to turn into Discord, but she vastly underestimated Discord, as per usual. The entire train transformed into Discord, dropping Twilight, Pinkie, Trixie, at least sixteen passengers, and a very confused conductor into the snow.

“Hello my dear Twilight!” Discord greeted. “I love what you’ve done with the place. It’s absolutely beautiful.” Discord resisted the urge to transform into Absol again. He waved his eagle talons across the sky, turning it purple. “That may actually be me.”

“DISCORD!” Twilight screamed in all caps. “GET OUT!”

Discord gasped like a drowning fish. “I live here! How dare you, the great Twilight Sparkle, tell me to get out of my own home?”

“You’re a guest here!” shouted a voice from inside the palace.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie is free!” Trixie screamed at the top of her lungs, running to Yakyakistan.

“YOU GET BACK HERE!” the voice screamed while the author had capslock on. “I’mma catch you and kill yo-”

“It’s ‘I am going to’!” Twilight shouted up to the voice.

“I don’t give a [REDACTED]!” the voice screamed. Great timing, Editor.

“Wow you got redacted by the Editor,” Discord joked. “Been there, done that.”

As Twilight, Discord, and the voice, presumably Sombra, argued and shouted at each other, Pinkie Pie bounced her way into the palace. She bounded up the stairs four at a time. She pushed the door open with enough energy to rival an atomic bomb, and looked upon Sombra’s behind.

Sombra screamed something which Pinkie drowned out with humming. Pinkie moved her hooves at an astonishingly quick rate and built some sort of piston, which she placed behind Sombra. The pink party pony finished the contraption with a party cannon, which made it all the more ugly.

“Hey! I think it looks beautiful!” Pinkie objected, revealing herself. Sombra began to turn around, but before he could see Pinkie Pie, the pink pony slammed her hoof on the activation button, sending Sombra flying out the window.

As the shadow monarch fell, he watched as Discord and Twilight yelled at each other. His vision focused on the Crystal Heart. He laughed to himself as he prepared a spell to send them elsewhere.

As his horn discharged the energy, all the magic was absorbed into the Crystal Heart sans the Discord Train, turning it from its normal light blue into an extremely dark black. Purple and green smoke erupted out of the heart, and black colored lightning coursed across the surface. King Sombra realized too late what had just happened and the Crystal Heart unleashed a wave of magic, causing the city to vanish, but not the ponies.

Twilight gasped in shock. Pinkie fell to the ground with a splat, flattening like a pancake. Discord disappeared with the city, and Sombra tripped over the Crystal Heart, skidded three feet through the snow, crushed a poor bunny, and face planted into a wall.

Twilight and Pinkie stared in horror at the bunny corpse and Sombra, but mostly at the bunny corpse. The passengers of the train and the conductor hid behind a crystal spike.

Crystals (vs Sombra)

Sombra quickly recovered from the fall, turning to face the two heroes. In almost no time at all, there were three. Trixie joined Twilight and Pinkie in the battle, wielding a cactus. Twilight risked a glance backwards to see several crystal guards, all wearing mind control helmets. They were surrounded.

Trixie launched her cactus backwards, hitting one of the guards in the leg. The guard grabbed a spear from one of his comrades and tossed the spear at Trixie, but missed spectacularly and impaled a boulder. The boulder came to life, grabbed Sombra by the neck, and yeeted the shadow monarch into the next area code.

Discord’s ghost appeared in the middle of the two sides with a referee uniform and a whistle. He blew the whistle and the two sides charged at each other.

The guards gained the upper hand at first due to outnumbering Team Twilight, but Trixie dropped several smoke bombs, causing literally everyone to cough, except for Pinkie Pie, who took “holding your breath” a little too literally. Pinkie blasted a guard with airbending which she totally wasn’t supposed to know, and she slowly started suffocating, until Twilight forced her to inhale.

Pinkie whipped a baseball bat out of her tail, then proceeded to whack each and every guard like a pinata. One of them actually burst into paper and candy. Pinkie grabbed as much as she could and stuffed it into her mane.

Trixie dropped another bomb, but this one exploded, breaking one of the masks. Suddenly, all the masks broke, freeing the guards, who promptly ran away as fast as they could from the pink madmare that just turned one of their comrades into candy.

“Get back here! I’m not done with you yet!” Pinkie Pie screamed at the escaping guards. Everyone was so focused on what was happening over there that they didn’t notice who was coming behind them.

“I HAVE RETURNED!” Sombra announced. Utilizing the Crystal Heart once more, Sombra’s power grew. Dark crystals jutted out of the ground, impaling a couple of shattered masks, the remains of a pinata, SCP-507, the flattened corpse of a bunny, twelve chocolate waffles, eleven pizza dippers, ten cakes, nine fresh picked apples, eight melting ice creams, seven crumbling cookies, six pigs for milking, five scrambled eggs, four chocolate chips, three french toast, two pickle jars, and an oven burning randomly.

Sombra immediately turned to Pinkie Pie. A crystal spike shattered Pinkie’s hopes and dreams as well as the contraption Pinkie built to shove Sombra out the window. A brief listen to Hopes and Dreams by Toby Fox brought back all her hopes and dreams, and she immediately began to work on rebuilding the contraption. The contraption fell apart again, so she started turning it into something else.

Twilight and Sombra engaged each other in a magic duel, while Trixie started to work on removing the helmets from the guards. Blast after blast of pure magic was exchanged while helmet after helmet hit Sombra in the face. After the sixteenth helmet, Sombra became fed up with Trixie, and turned his attention to the showmare.

It was at this moment, Trixie realized, she made a probably possibly fatal missnake. As an attempt to save herself, she summoned a rainbow snake, whom she promptly named Iris.

The sixteen passengers and one conductor came out from behind the crystal spike to smash every single guards’ helmets simultaneously. The collected ponies lined up behind Twilight.

Sombra looked at the army that now gathered before him and pissed himself in the snow. He grabbed the dark Crystal Heart and growled, “Mine. No touchy.”

“We crushed Discord and Nightmare Moon! Surrender, Sombra!” Twilight charged energy into her horn. Sombra put up a wall of black crystal to protect himself, but Pinkie Pie grabbed Twilight’s tail and started rapid firing magic. The crystals held up under the pressure.

The collected ponies all had enough of King Sombra and tossed everything they had at him: bread, bowling balls, wallets, deep fryers, a map of every territory ever held by the British Empire, and a deep fried wallet. A can of hairspray hit the Crystal Heart, reversing the damage and bringing back the empire.

As the Crystal Empire reformed, the crystal wall shattered. The ponies closed in, Sombra panicked, but the Pony of Shadows came out of nowhere and sent everyone flying. Before anyone could react, a ball of pure darkness enveloped King Sombra and the Pony of Shadows, which then vanished, purifying the Crystal Heart.

At this moment, Discord reappeared with the TF2 Heavy in his arms. He was wielding the large Russian man like a minigun. Upon realizing the fight was over, he tossed the Heavy into the snow.

The Pony of Shadows reappeared in a castle far away. He materialized with Sombra in front of a muscular centaur.

“I presume you have failed?” Tirek said. Sombra fearfully nodded. “You had one job, Sombra, destroy them before they could get out of hand. You failed!”

“Discord has also betrayed us,” the Pony of Shadows said.

“Was he ever on our side in the first place?” Tirek said.

“Fair point. You know what a wise angry raisin with a rock collection once said?”

“Fine, I’ll do it myself,” Tirek quoted.

Several cloaked cultists gathered together in a candlelit room. In the center was a naval hat sitting on top of a blood red pentagram. The cultist in the scarlet cloak placed a few items on the pentagram next to the naval hat. A revolver, a Slim Jim beef stick, and a bag filled with assorted fingers; chicken fingers, human fingers, gorilla fingers, and chimpanzee fingers, but mostly chicken fingers.

The gathered cultists chanted in some strange language:

“R̸̘͇̳̈́̎̓͘͝͝i̶̞̟̔̕͠s̶͍̳̘̐̈͒̎̄͝e̸̯̤̍̉̓̚ ̵͔̳͇̯̏t̸̨͕̬̼̙͕͛h̷̛̬̽́e̸̹̍̿ ̶̡͎̹̙̱̈́o̶͖̯̯̜͙̐́̄n̵̨̻̻̪͚̐͗̽͒͠e̶͇̍͌̄̔͜ ̸̡͇̦̗̝͉͆͐͑w̵̧̞͓͕̰͌h̶̡͉̯̋͗͗̏̌͘o̸̯͓͘͝ ̸̡͕̦̥͖̬̓̀͠w̴̤̔̐a̷̺̤͍̎̂̃̽́s̴̪̗̫̓͆̽͘ͅ ̷̡̱̋̽̆̆̕͝s̶̢̪͈̤͊̋͑͂́͠l̷̤͎̔̎å̸͈̞̭̭̖̀͐͜i̸͎͔̺͈͛n̶̨͉̞̥͖͒͗̽̾͋̇ͅ

̵̥͚̥̇̌͗̚Ĥ̴̬͍͚͂̓͑ȅ̷̹̠̪͕̬ͅ ̷̢̟̲̘͌͂̔̄̏̂s̶̩͔̥̀́͋̓̆͛ḩ̵̱̤͚͝à̷̭l̵̯̜̎̔̅̿̋͠l̷͚̂͑̚͝ ̵̠͚̮͉̮̓̐b̸̭̦̹̞̜͍͌ř̶̜͖̼̭̍ḯ̸̩̅̋̐͊̐ǹ̴̫͎͒̓̄͠ǧ̵̩͇̐̃̋́͘͜ͅ ̴̧͚͍̣̇̆̋̀͠t̴͕͓̟̹̞͚̎̈́̆̾͛̓h̸̛͕̼͓͌̒̂̈̆ͅê̸̱̜̣̪͊̊͊͘ ̷̢͇͙͍̀ͅe̵͔͒n̸̯̖̫̟̺̄̆́͝d̵͍̙̩͆̈́̉͒̚l̴̈͜e̸͍̔͋̉́s̵̤̉̿̋̐̚͝ŝ̵̡̲ ̸̡̞̫̕p̸͔̐̄̂̆͛a̶̢̛̝͔͍͖͒̅̇͋͘ị̶̧̧͉̟̏̽̔̃͋n̵̟͇̱̹̕͜͠

̶̡̯͚̟̗͎̂̄͑̓͝T̷͉̠͚̻́̒̈́͂̃ṑ̵̠͋̃n̴̳̹͎̓͜ḯ̸̛̗͈ͅǵ̸̤̫̝̫͐̀̏h̸͎̞̋̓̉̈́̐̈́t̶͎͔͎̮̥̃͒́͜ ̵̪̽̃̇͘h̶͓̰͂e̷̺̹͍̥̋͆͝ ̴̯͕̥̊̐͛͊w̶̹̗̳͐i̸̳̎͠l̵̗̪͎̳̳̗͆͆͌̓͝l̶͔̪͇̭̘͓̽̐́́̊̾ ̴͖̈́͛́͝ŗ̷̛̲̲͗̀͒̕͜͝i̸̮̮̼̦͓̹̇s̷̢̛̹͓̞̖͂̈́̐̒̓ę̷̬̪̈̋̏

̷͈̜̓͗̈́̋́͝Ā̶͕̩̠̘̉͂͝n̷̝̜̥̹̠̏̅̀̊̈́̄ď̴̼͋̾ ̷̣̻̞̞̂̑̋̀͘̕b̴͈̙̉ṛ̴̡̪͕̀̄̎̏͒i̵̧̛͍̱̟͌̾̊̓͗n̵̨̺̣̽̑̄g̴̮̥̝̘͂̇͛͆ ̶̢͍̭̪͔̅͂͘͝ͅt̷̢̢̛͉̣͙̍̒͗̎͋h̴̢̢͔̰̘̃̅̈́é̷̗̟̎ͅí̶̭̪͚̦̖̂r̷̳͍̪͖͎̙̓͌͌͑́͠ ̷̢̟̠̤͕̪͗d̷̛̲̩̟̔́́̚e̶̠͈͈̍̾͘m̷͓̼͇̪͒͑͝į̸͈͈͆͋̈́̚͘͝s̸̲̲̈́̓͑̏͑e̷̱͎͉̓͗̐

̸̬̭̓͛́̆̌A̸̮͂̾͛̌͘l̸̼̦̔̾͗l̸̘̥̪̳̻̎͗͜ ̴̧̈́́͑̓͒f̸̖̻̯͚̙͂͝o̶͖̾̑r̶̡͉̗̒̅̏̀͒ ̷̝̭͔͓̻̍V̸͓̹̼̮͎̀ǒ̶͚̇̚i̷̢̡̟̦̱̓̿̈́d̸̥̰͙̻̋ ̵̢̰͓̞̓͌͊̐͒̚C̸͚̹̮͉̼̉̈́͒͑́͝r̶̢̖̯̭͠͠ḙ̶̞̾͗̆̈a̶̢͉̹̯̗̐t̷͖̩̼̰͌̆ù̵̟̈́̚r̷̢͚̠͂̓ẹ̶͎̣̤̀̇̓̒'̸̨̛̳͖̀̒̀̽s̶͔̅̎̑̋͝ͅ ̷̨̺̲̥̳̅͑̓͋̉̇g̴̭͗̒̀̔a̴̙̹͕͒̀̂̀͆̚i̴̲͓̦̇́̔̾n̴̛͔͈͉̐̐”

The blood pentagram was set ablaze. The bag of fingers melted into a puddle of flesh topped with extra crispy KFC chicken fingers and bones. The flesh and bones formed a human shape. The summoned human placed the naval hat on his head and the Slim Jim in his mouth.

“Ayy, it’s McFlap again,” the human said, still covered in chicken fingers.

Author's Note

The story has gotten so off the rails I don’t think I can carry through with the original idea anymore (lmao jk I still can, the middle will still be crazy though. That’s what happens when you put Pinkie Pie and Discord in the same story both as major characters)

Anyway here's what the cursed text was supposed to say (before formatting ruined it):

Rise the one who was slain
He shall bring the endless pain
Tonight he will rise
And bring their demise
All for Void Creature's gain