Spike and Twilight were sitting at Twilight’s office at the school of friendship. Both were talking about some non-importan (at least for this story) administrative matters while eating heyburges.
Well, Spike was eating his burger. Twilight was devouring her 3rth out of 7 burgers, eating like she hasn’t eaten in a week. Another blessing of becoming an alicorn, alicorn metabolism, she could eat like a pig and besides some extra millimetres to her height, none of that would show anywhere in her body. But, leaving Twilight’s questionable eating habits and blessed body aside. The two were having a nice time eating while pretending to work, that is until Spike felt something in his stomach.
Spike knew the sensation well, the magic revolving around his digestive system. Making its way to his mouth, forcing his body to make that characteristic burp accompanied by his own green flames. But most importantly of all, a rolled piece of paper that was tied by a red ribbon that had a little golden bottom with a horseshoe engraved on it. A letter from princess Celestia had arrived.
Spike graved the letter in the air before it could hit the desk. Normally he would n't have put that much effort in graving the letter, as he prefers to just let them fall to the floor and pick them up. However, with how greasy the desk was due to the burgers, he chose to avoid a lecture from Twilight and put some effort into making sure it remained grease clean.
Spike then opened the scroll while Twilight took another full bite of her burger like nothing had happened. Spike cleared his throat and began to read the letter out loud.
“My dearest Twilight Sparkle. I write to you in a great time of need as your friend. Recently I have begun to date a gryphon named Gabby, she’s the most wonderful creature I have ever known, and being around her has made me incredibly happy.” Spike made a small pause, smiling a little, happy to know that Celestia was dating; however, he didn’t notice that Twilight’s characteristic ‘eating smile' had been broken.
“However, I fear that my inexperience dating gryphons might result in me making a mistake that, as unlikely as it might be, could result in us breaking up. I know that Rainbow Dash used to date a gryphon named Gilda, do you think you could ask Dash to give me some tips on dating a gryphon? Thank you so much for your help Twilight. Signed princess Celestia.”
Spike finished reading the letter, when he heard a muffle cry in front of him. Spike quickly lowered the letter, catching a glimpse of Twilight’s teary eyes before she teleported away. Spike had to resist the need to roll his eyes, he felt sympathy for Twilight. However, he also knew she was overreacting. Spike jumped off the chair he had been sitting on, he knew where Twilight was and that she needed some help to get back into her senses.
After a short walk from the school to the castle, Spike had found himself in the castle basement looking for a specific box. After a few minutes he found it. Spike pushed the heavy metal box to the left, revealing on the floor a heavy metal hatch on the place where the box had been resting. He struggled to lift the heavy wait of the hatch, but he managed to open the thick titanium hatch, revealing a circular drop with a hand ladder at one side.
With extreme care Spike began to make his way down. He would have used his wings, however there was barely any space to move. After carefully making his way down for what felt like hours, he arrived at a small dimly lit hallway.
Spike hopped off the ladder and began to make his way down the hallway, still walking as the halfway was too narrow for him to comfortably fly. After taking around 1000 steps, he found a heavy blast door made of titanium. It was them when Spike noticed that the entire hallway floor, walls and ceiling were covered in titanium as well.
Spike made his way to an adjacent room next to the massive blast door, he walked towards the massive ‘magic-assisted electric-automatic-ignition’ steam engine that occupied most of the room. Spike looked at the control panel, and easily operated one of the most complex artifacts of pony engineering.
The machine roared to life, as the magic crystals produced the electric energy needed to start the cold steam engine. The ground began to rumble, as the power of a machine designed to be the main engine of battleships was used to move the massive blast door. Spike covered his ears and rolled his eyes, wondering if there was a way to sell this engine so the school could hire an actual sex-ed teacher, rather than having Pinkie Pie and Discord give that class. It wouldn’t resolve the lawsuits and the warrant against Discord, but it would at least take care of part of the problem.
Spike continued walking down the halfway. He had to open four more blast doors, every time he did so, he wondered what kind of things the school would have done with all the bits Twilight used to build and buy all this.
Finally, after opening the last blast door Spike was able to see in the distance what he had been looking for. A safe, or well, the massive door of a massive safe. As he made his way to the safe door, he noticed that it had eight combination dials. Now normally this would have scared even the most skilled criminal, but not Spike, after all, he knew the combination. It was the one that Twilight used with only her most valuable things, Celestia’s birthday.
After putting the correct date, Spike was able to turn the 5 spoke handle, he had to spin it at least 20 times before the door finally moved. The young dragon then had to use all his might to open the safe door just enough for him to squeeze inside.
As Spike made his way inside, he quickly glanced at his side. Noticing how thick the walls of the safe were, he was impressed. The safe walls, ruff and floor were as thick as a mountain. Constructed of composite armour made of magic concrete mixed with the crystals used in the crystal empire as build material, as well as crystal from Twilight’s castle. The mix had been poured between two thick plates of titanium, this pattern that had been repeated five times. Basically the safe was impossible to crack open, even the world’s most powerful magic users.
Spike continued moving towards the inside of the safe, as he did so he noticed a familiar smell ‘Mare’s nectar’. Or basically, how Twilight’s room smelled after the unusual days where she refused to get out of bed until noon. Making obvious what Twilight had been doing in the room, the time it took Spike to make his way through the hallway. He finally made it to the inside of the safe where he saw something that would have perturbed most ponies, but not Spike, he had seen all this before.
Plastered in all 4 walls of the reliably small room that was the inside of the safe, were pictures of princess Celestia as well as other objects related to her. And in the middle of the ceiling there was a painting of Celestia’s cutie mark, that inside had a full body and very revealing painting of Celestia. Surrounding the cutie mark, the text “CELESTIA TEMPLUM. SOLIS ADOREMUS” was written in golden letters. Translating from pony-latin to: “Celestia’s temple. Worship the sun”.
Other interesting objects in the room were all piled in the middle of it, around an old very big bed. A bed that used to belong to Celestia, but was replaced. A bed that Twilight savaged from the trash. A bed that Twilight considers the crown jewel of her collection. Collection that barely survived the Golden Oak Library explosion, by being hidden in a second basement that Twilight had dug herself when she decided to stay in Ponyville.
Spike made his way to the bed, hearing Twilight sob as he did so. After getting next to the bed he was able to see her. Twilight was under some bed sheets she had stolen from Celestia’s room years ago. She had her teary eyes closed and was hugging her life size plushie of Celestia. Despite Twilight opening her eyes and seeing Spike, however, she didn’t stoped crying.
Now this wasn’t the first time Spike had seen Twilight like this, so he simply ignored it and tried to think of something to distract her from her pain. He glanced at Celestia’s letter, realising that he might have made a mistake bringing it with him. However, the letter also gave him an idea, something he could say to distract Twilight.
“It honestly surprised me that Gilda is a lesbian. You would think being gay would let you identify that kind of stuff.” Spike said with hope that he would be able to start a conversation to distract Twilight.
To his surprise, it did. Twilight opened her red teary eyes as wide as possible as she turned to see him, with an expression of confusion on her face. “Wait what, you are gay?” Twilight asked in an incredulous tone.
“Yes…?” Spike answered in confusion, wondering how she didn’t notice it before.
“But… but… what about your crush with Rarity?” Twilight asked, her brain trying to make sense of the conflicting information.
“Twilight, Rarity is a trap.” Spike answered, amassed that he had to explain that to her.
“WHAT!?” Twilight asked, even more confused.
“Wait! Are you telling me that in all this time, you haven’t noticed how conscious she is about her posterior?” Spike asked dumbfounded that a pony as observant as Twilight hadn't noticed that big detail.
“Oh … OH!” Twilight exclaimed, her brain finally had connected the loose parts of a puzzle she didn’t know she was trying to solve.
“Can you at least tell if a creature is straight or not?” Spike asked, a little worried about her.
“Yes!” Twilight answered in a fast yet insecure way. “My mom is-“
Before Twilight could finish Spike interrupted her. “A creature that isn’t in a relationship!” He said in a harsh tone.
“Eh… Thorax is gay… right?” Twilight asked as she noticed how Spike shook his head from side to side.
“Twilight, Thorax has sex with Ember at least 10 times a week. Sure she doms him most of the time, but he’s not gay”. Spike explained.
“Well… Smolder is straight!” Twilight answered. She knew her student well, Smolder was 100% straight.
“Again, wrong.” Spike answered, crossing his arms. “Smolder and Ocellus have been dating for a month. And based on the amazing good mood the two were in today, I’m pretty sure both lost their virginity to the other last night.”
“… Braeburn is gay!” Twilight said in response, not even bothering to react to the fact that two of her most remarkable students had lost their virginity yesterday.
“No, he’s like Sandbar. He’s not into ponies but other creatures. He’s planning to propose to Little Strongheart this year for her birthday.” Spike answer.
“Eh… Prince Blueblood! He’s gay! That’s why she treats mares like trash!” Twilight answered, sure that this conclusion of hers was right, Completely ignoring the fact that he had treated Rarity like trash too.
“No Twilight! Again, he’s just like Sandbar and Braeburn. He doesn’t like pony mares, especially the ones from Canterlot. Mostly because they keep flirting with him, even though they know he has been married to Zecora for a year. And that is well know that the two are planning to move to Ponyville, so their dauther can play away from the dangers of rhe Everfree.” Spike answered, rolling his eyes, Every creature knew Blueblood was married to Zecora, and that Zacora was pregnat and specting a filly.
Twilight just looked at Spike confused. “... When did Zecora and Blueblood get married?” She asked, trying to remember any news about that.
Spike just looked at her. He was starting to really feel worried, not because Twilight wasn’t able to tell the orientation of any creature, but because she wasn’t even able to tell if they were in a relationship.
“Twilight, you do know there are some mares who have been flirting with you for years. Right?” Spike asked with a concerned tone.
“Of course!” Twilight answered, her tone more secure than before. “But I only see Starlight as a friend and Trixie isn’t my type.”
Spike facepalmed hearing that, he then let out a groan before pinching his nose with two of his fingers while looking at the floor. “Twilight, Starlight and Trixie are having a threesome with Sunburst as we speak! Those three have sex almost every afternoon!”
Twilight's jaw dropped open. “Then who’s into me?” She asked in a whisper, already feeling sorry for not even noticing the advances of a close friend that was interested in her.
“Sunset and Tempest.” Spike answered. “Sunset and Tempest are the mares that have been flirting with you for almost 2 years. I told them to try to find love somewhere else, but they find you too attractive to give up.”
“Oh… I think I’m going to take a bath... and apologise… maybe ask them for a date.” Twilight answered while getting out of the bed and making her way to the door.
“You think so?” Spike asked in a sarcastic tone while following her.
“Spike, can I ask you something?” Twilight asked him as she closed the door of the safe.
“Yeah, shoot.” Spike answered in a relaxed tone as the two began to move down the hallway.
“Discord and Fluttershy are dating, right?” Twilight asked, afraid that she might actually be wrong.
Spike opened his mouth but he quickly closed it, thinking in his answer for a second. “You know, now that I think about it. I honestly don’t know”.
“Really?” Twilight asked in an incredulous tone
“Yep, the relationship of those two confuses me to no end.” Spike answer.
MEANWHILE ELSEWHERE
“Honestly Fluttershy, what’s wrong with everyone?” Discord asked as he looked down to see the yellow mare that he was cuddling with. He was panting, still tired of what he and Fluttershy had finished doing on the bed a few seconds ago. “How can’t anyone realise we are dating?”
“I don’t know Discord, maybe we aren’t as obvious as others.” Fluttershy answered, opening her eyes and looking up at him. “So do you want to go for a second round?”
“Fluttershy, dear. The second round was 3 rounds ago.” Discord explained while petting her head.
“Oh… do you want to stop them?” She asked, concerned that she had tired Discord more than what she had thought.
“My dear, for you I can do this all day.” Discord answered, giving his pony partner a smile.
Fluttershy returned the smile. “In that case!” She exclaimed as she jumped to the footboard, Discord imitated her movement, standing at the apostate end of the bed.
The two lock their eyes on the other. “Ready or not! 1, 2, 3 TICKLE WAR!” The two exclaimed their ‘war cries’ at the same time, before charging against the other. Their objective? To tickle the other until one of them surrendered.
The end :)
Author's Note
Hope you enjoy it, comments are always welcome :)
And remember kids: The right question isn’t “Why?” but “Why not?”
