Chapters Spike struggled to follow the wide purple behind skipping weightlessly ten pony-lengths ahead of him. "Twilight!" he rasped. "When the heck did you get so spry?! Wait up!"
Twilight paused mid-step, her tail bristling, and looked back at him with a scowl. "Hey!" she objected. "I've carted your scaly butt all over Ponyville for years!"
The little dragon caught up to her and leaned against her flank with one hand, fanning himself in her shade. "You're really excited... for someone else's boat trip, Twi..." he wheezed.
He collapsed as Twilight began skipping in place. "Spike, do you realize this is a very rare occasion?!"
"... A boat trip...?"
"No!" Twilight honked. "Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie together! Usually, if three or more of us do something, all six of us go! I want to see its effect on their relationship!!"
Spike paused on one knee, halfway rising, and stared evenly at her.
"... a-and also hear about all the cool stuff they saw or did in the Seaward Shoals, of course!" Twilight added. "I've only read about it... It was all I could do not to spoil it for them! I'm not treating my friends as a science experiment look, shut up, c'mon!"
"You've only read about most things -- eyagh!" Spike yelped as she seized him and set him on her back, speeding off again. "S-stop bouncing so muuuuch!" he squeaked.
A pony and a dragon stood still on the train station platform, with only the wind for company.
Twilight stood tall and straight, with a beaming smile on her face, blinking the dust out of her eyes. With an elbow, she bumped Spike without moving the rest of her.
Spike yelped and re-straightened his back, his hands behind him, holding parchment and a quill. He opened the corner of his mouth and mumbled. "How long do we have to wait. My feet hurt."
"As long as it takes," Twilight answered without losing her smile. Her ears pricked at the sound of a horn. "Oh, there it is!! It's here it's here it's here." Soon, the clackety-clack of train treads joined the horn, and the train became visible around a distant hill. Spike glanced sidelong at Twilight's hooves, slightly, impatiently shuffling against the wood.
The two stood silently, wardens of nothing, as the train approached and slowed. They began glancing through the windows as soon as the motion blur had abated enough to permit. "Don't see 'em," Spike commented. "You sure this is the right train?"
"Do I ever pick the wrong train?"
"Well..." Spike began -- but before he could list off Twilight's public transport embarrassments, the doors hissed and opened, and he faithfully forced himself back into an illusion of perk.
Three furious, water-logged, grimy ponies stood at the door, glaring at the floor.
They attempted to exit at once, and swiftly began struggling with one another and growling. "Get offa me," someone said. "Move your big self," another called. "That's my nose ," a third roared.
After a struggle, all three popped out of the door at once. Applejack turned west towards the farm. Rarity turned east towards her home. Pinkie, looking every which way, leapt onto the train, slipped halfway back off, and scrambled back up.
"Hmph," the three grunted in unison. Pinkie vanished over the train and the other two stomped off.
Twilight's wide smile and bright eyes remained frozen in time for a few seconds, until they had all disappeared and the train had left.
"... I'll ask Rarity about that 'effect on their relationship'," Spike sighed, walking off towards the park district.
"I'll come with," Twilight relented, and followed him with her head low and her mouth sad.
"Blech! Ech! Bluuuuurrgh!" Rarity complained, nearly drowning herself with her frantic washing of her face in the sink. "Oh I can still taste things best left unsaid ! ... Eeeeeeee!" She squealed, and removed a live crab from under her bangs. It pinched a claw cheerfully at her with a little smile, then scurried away as she set it down. "Peh! Pbbluublublublu! Aaaaagh!" she continued screaming.
Twilight and Spike stared as the crab clambered into Rarity's upstairs hall, where they were standing, then spun up onto the banister and slid down the stairs, out of sight.
"Don't say a word, Spike," Twilight warned.
"... what? I wasn't gonna say anything," Spike objected. "Except maybe about this coat." He jabbed a thumb towards the soggy, brown-and-green garment thrown haphazardly onto a doorknob. "I didn't think she was into camouflage..."
Twilight swallowed. "I don't think it was camouflage when she put it on, Spike."
"What?" Spike blinked and double-took the stained manteau, leaning towards it with a hand on his chin. "Oh. Eww. Gross."
"I agree !" Rarity declared, making both of them jump as she descended out of her washroom with very intentional, heavy steps. Her mane and tail were perfect, her coat pristine. She shone like an alabaster statue of herself coated with oils. "It ought to be burned for my health ! Twilight, dear, would you do the honors?"
"Wha--?!" Twilight objected.
"Well," Rarity stammered faux-bashfully, with a hoof to her mouth, batting her lashes, "Your magic is far more potent and... ferocious than my own... Given the sheer magnitude and enormity of that boat trip, I propose the nuclear option!"
"... I'm not a nuke..." Twilight mumbled, red-faced, as she magically lifted the coat and vaporized it into ashes with a thought.
"Say that to our plumber," Spike jabbed.
"Ah! Yes! Thank you! Now that that's taken care of..." Rarity blinked, confused, suddenly questioning why they were in her house, then scowled. "Oh," she deadpanned. "Yes, I do recall you told us you wanted to hear everything that transpired..." She made a strange, scratchy throat-sound and snorted steam at the floor.
Twilight nodded with an uncertain grimace, thrusting the parchment into Spike's face. He flailed his arms before grabbing hold of the paper and moving it down to his chest. They followed Rarity back down to the first floor.
"Eeeeek!" she cried at the foot of the stairs as the crab scampered past her hooves again, skittering her feet and swooning, her horn very intentionally pulling her fainting couch underneath in the same instant.
Twilight stopped, Spike walked into her, and the two of them tumbled over Rarity and her couch blocking the stairs, and onto the floor.
"Ooooh," Rarity bemoaned, arcing her back with a hoof to her forehead and writhing like she was taken by a high fever, "I can't even speak of what I went through."
"We're all ears," Twilight grumbled, unsteadily rising to her hooves.
"I simply can't ," Rarity repeated.
Spike paused dusting off Twilight to look at her with a wink and a finger raised to his lips, then turned to Rarity. "That's okay, Rarity," Spike said gently with a big smile. "We'll leave you be." He motioned for Twilight to follow. She furrowed her brows and reluctantly began to walk towards the door with him.
"Wait ! No, you must know," Rarity drawled. "The world must know what I've suffered because of Applejack ."
"Applejack?!" Twilight scampered back to her side and repeated, unbelieving. Spike stood next to her, paper and quill at the ready, chin raised with a self-satisfied smile.
"Well, Pinkie too, but yes Applejack ," Rarity fumed, sitting up with a huge scowl. "Beautiful, smiling, stupid , NEANDERTHAL APPLEJACK!" she finished by leaning off her couch and stomping so hard she cracked her floor. She winced, gave a cute whining yelp, and held up her now limp-hoof with a big fat pouty lip. "Now look what she made me doooo."
"Spike, take notes," Twilight commanded, though he was already writing quickly. "Rarity, tell us all about how... um, how Applejack-and-maybe-Pinkie ruined your trip."
"Oh won't I !" Rarity roared.
Let's start at the beginning, but I do hope you'll listen to the end , because otherwise you'll not understand the depths of how Applejack has ruined me.
One might think, in such a lovely place as Equestria, the whole week surrounding a boat trip would be nothing but lovely mornings, perfect and unassuming. A placid sky, uncharacteristically free of clouds so early in the day despite the weather team tending to sleep in on weekends, the gentle trill of birdsong and the scent of flowers and wild grasses caressing the nostrils.
Well, it wasn't ! On the day we were to board the train, I, Rarity, the Element of Generosity, who has done nothing to deserve misery in my life, woke to a baleful morning! Dark clouds hung overhead blacking out the sun, like Applejack's silly hat over a filly's eyes. The grass withered, bowing to me in apology as I passed, as if knowing the cruel fate I would unjustly suffer . Squirrels chittered at me for no reason! I should have known that all this was an omen . A day - two days - to rue . To rue in all earnest !
A-ta-ta-ta. Don't interrupt, Twilight dear, I'm embellishing and I shan't be knocked off-balance by your endearing particularity! So what if it was only a few clouds? So what if I only saw one squirrel? It ought to have been zero clouds and zero squirrels and Applejack was late for the train.
"Hiya Queenie!" called Pinkie, waving so frantically I feared she would fall over. Yes, though I arrived in flawless punctuality, as I do, she was already at the train station. I too was surprised, but not so much as I was that her hair was done up in pigtails of all things and she was wearing a... a red derby hat, a puffy orange life vest, and big rubber boots. She looked like a clown! More so than usual! And surely she would have slapped herself in the face each time she turned!
I carried only a large purse, holding the clothing I would don later, and otherwise was just as you see me now. If only I'd simply left my clothes at home! Oooh, it was such a lovely ensemble, not to mention a bit expensive , only to be lost in that putrid drink...
Hmm? Oh! Yes. Pinkie. What am I forgetting. Oh! She was bouncing on her hooves but she couldn't quite get off the ground. What? No, that's not a comment on her weight, how dare you, you're no beanpole yourself! She was carrying a massive sack on her back, like... like a Hearth's Warming gift-giver!
"Hiya Queenie!" she called, waving so frantically - er, did I say that already? "Didja see Applejack?" Her smile was overwhelming, to say the least. Seemed innocent enough at the time. What a fool I was!
Of course I had not, and reported as such, suspecting that she might be a bit late due to... whatever it is they do on a farm. Not shower , I know that.
But you know how Pinkie is, you never ask her an open-ended question, or even mildly imply one. "Ooh!" she cried. "She musta run into a gator-gopher! Or accidentally hazzabazazza a stooboople! It's probably infesting the farm as we speak like a koozu vine! Hehe. Koozowoozobwwooolzo. Koolokawoozyboozy? Pffhahaha, snort snort, bleat bleat." I've no idea what a koozu is and no dear I'd much rather you did not enlighten me.
Now as I said, Applejack was late . "Hol' yer horses, dingus-dang-doobit, buh HEH huh huh!" came the familiar, burly chuckling as the Blonde Beast arrived with her thunderous hoofsteps. Now let me tell you what she was wearing, you won't believe it. She had her hat. Of course. And those cute little scrunchies in her hair and tail. But a faux-leather jacket over a high-collared shirt?? Pleated trousers? A satchel ?! We were going on a boat cruise, not on a jungle exploration! At least she didn't bring her guns .
"Applejack ," I tutted at her affectionately, "Where have you been, darling?"
"Oooooooooo !" she screeched, slapping her hat onto the ground and stomping on it like a maniac. "I tells you, Rarity, I tells you what, I plumb-dumb-hum-a-bum hate bein' civilized like you 'n' I don't reckon I like yer judgmentin', not one bit boy howdy yahooooo!" And she did that weird little jig she does sometimes, around her hat.
Right from there I should have known she had it out for me for some bizarre reason only her Cro-Mustang mind could fathom ! But all the same, as a good and dear friend, I giggled at her, "Oh Applejack, you're so silly!"
"I done do reckon y'all can stuff it whoa nelly," came the incredibly rude answer, and she put her hat back on. Her filthy, trampled, nasty hat. Not that it matters given what transpired .
Fortunately we'd agreed to meet a half hour ahead of time - it accounted for just this issue and gave us enough time even to rush back should we find we had forgotten something - so we had only to wait before we were able to board.
"Travelin' light this time, Queenie?" Pinkie teased. I was carrying only a small purse, and... well, as angry as I am with her, I'm sure she meant no harm -- aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ! She said that to set up Applejack , didn't she?! Why that absolute nag ! Yes, I said it! I'm glad someone said it! Admit it, you feel the same time to time!
And ooooh , did Applejack decide to get cute . "Hee-hYUH-hoo, didja get robbed on th' way over here Reh-ri-tee? HUHUHUHUHYUCK!" And she clapped me right on the nape of my neck, I'm lucky I'm not in a wheelchair, that absolute bear of a mare!
I gave her a very firm but loving scowl and we got onto the train. And the whoooooole way theeeere Pinkie would not stop yelling "Cow herd! Boop!" or "Naked tree! Boop!" or "Holy smokes an alien! Boop!" and punching me in the nose !
Now Twilight, dear, I do seem to recall you were there when we returned. I'm terribly sorry I didn't say a word to you, I didn't wish to invite conversation with Applejack and to a lesser extent Pinkie. But from this I gather you knew our shed-ule, and were aware we stayed a day and night in Seaward Shoals before setting sail, yes? The last train to the Shoals was a bit late in the day, you see, and none of us was confident in sailing at night.
I dare say we were already growing tired of one another's company, because we split up, agreeing to meet up for lunch and, of course, at our hotel to retire for the evening. I confirmed that my luggage had arrived and was ready at the port, and that my catering order had been received, and I am just going to ignore that look on your pudgy faces, and I spent the rest of the day browsing the shops... but I had the strangest omen that I shouldn't buy anything, and my word was I right to resist.
For lunch, we had a local specialty - Seaward Shoals Show-Shelled Seal... Wait, no. Sealord Shows Soul-Shmell... Bluh! It was seaweed, it was quite delectable, really. Applejack didn't care for it and told us as such at great length. "Wurr's th' stem? Did this ripen on th' vine? Does seaweed got vines? Did some comp'ny make this in a lah-boooor-ruh-toooo-ree?" She's insufferable at fine dining, and by "fine", I mean "knows what a spoon is". Ugh!
When we returned to the hotel, Pinkie had gotten us a room with only two beds . In my infinite patience and grace I of course accepted her error without objection, but I made the incredible mistake of implying that Applejack was the most accustomed to sleeping on the floor.
"What in constarnation! " she yelped, hopping up and down with her hat bouncing on her head. "I got half a mind, Reh-rih-tee! Half a mind! Eeeeyup!" And I am glad we were in agreement on that, but whatever she intended to do with it at that juncture was anyone's guess, and I was afraid to find out.
Pinkie graciously accepted that, as this was all her fault, she would give up the bed. And then she pulled another bed out of the sack she was carrying. Who does that? Just summons furniture out of nowhere?! ... What are you looking at? Didn't I wash myself thoroughly? Knock it off, you're creeping me out.
Anyway. The two of them disrobed in the clumsiest and least orderly manner, I reminded Applejack not to wear her hat to sleep which produced some yodelish grumbling, and we fell into bed.
I wish we'd all stayed in bed at home, actually.
We rose with the sun first thing in the morning, and agreed to split up as we had a few small, final errands to run before we got onto the ship we'd rented. Hm? Oh no, dear, we didn't charter a ship. Applejack insisted that she could pilot the thing herself, and oh I'll get to that in a moment .
Of course, I had to make myself decent first. I showered, unpacked my clothing from my purse, suited up, and headed out. Oh, and when I left the shower, the others were already gone, which means they didn't wash themselves .
I was dressed quite modestly, all things considered. I began with a black hem tank - a warm choice of color, so I cut it short to leave my belly and legs exposed, and added little riffles in case one might think it a bit mature otherwise. A long skirt, layered, pure white as any other color would have been far too warm and my tail would have melted in all that sweat. The coat you so graciously discarded for me, it was originally mauve, cashmere, three buttons, I would have liked to keep it but that simply wasn't an option... Oh, and a wide brim hat! That was delightful fun, I rarely work with straw, I felt like a filly wearing it - to tell the truth I was afraid the pretty yellow ribbon may be seen as a bit puerile, hmhm..!
Did I mention I had catering done? Stop with that look!! We were staying overnight, I couldn't prepare anything ahead of time, now could I? I merely ordered a cucumber sandwich tray prepared on the morning of the boat visit, so that they would still be fresh for our hors d'oeuvres the following noon. I was worried if --
Pardon? ... No, hors d'oeuvres aren't the same as appetizers at all! Didn't you grow up in Canterlot? Were you raised in a barn like Applejack ?! Sh-sh-shhhh.
Hem hem. I was worried if we overate we may find ourselves especially seasick! That happens to me every time I'm on someone else's boat trip and it was a very good thing I did not impose it upon my dear, stupid friends .
At any rate, I retrieved the cucumbers and made my way to the dock. Pinkie was already there, which did not surprise me, what didn't she have ready in that ridiculous bag on her back? ... Oh. And she was wearing the same outfit as yesterday. And she hadn't redone her hair. It was horrific.
Still, I greeted her warmly. "Pinkie, darling, I meant to ask," I added, "Why did you choose pigtails? Won't it be a bit windy?"
"Hee-haw-hee-haw one timesies a fish got stuck in theresies! Where's Applejack!" Pinkie honked back.
I was quite clueless to Applejack's whereabouts, of course, and conjectured that she may have been taken in a bit by the tools on display in the craftsman's quarter. I suppose dockworkers know their tools, after all.
Aaaand then the dock exploded. Yes, exploded , with a loud, echoing "YEEEEHAWWWW" as She Who Cannot Be Tamed fell upon the pier like a demonic cannonball. Certainly, you can still walk on the thing, but it's all uneven and busted up now, and who's going to pay to fix it? Not I, that's for sure. Business has been rather slow this season, the nudists are gaining too much traction.
"Boy-howdy tell ya what who's ready fer an avvenchurr?!" the Blonde Beast bellowed as we picked ourselves back up. Just like Pinkie, she had put yesterday's clothes back on. Did I mention they had not showered ?
"Applejaaaack," I reasonably objected, "You've not packed suitably for any sort of adventure!"
"Yip-yip-whacha talkin' 'bout, Rar-i-tee?" she retorted. "Witchoo heer I figya'd th' dalgurn-dangbum-dagnam boat'd sink if'n I brought much more'n' m'hat, guh huh huh!"
Applejack always exaggerates. Pinkie'd brought the entire winter holiday! Applejack always targets me! It's so unfair .
At any rate, the three of us headed aboard and set off. Applejack was the most experienced sailor of us - though she wasn't very - so she took the... the thing. The wheely thing. What do you call that? Is it just "the wheel"? The helm! Yes, thank you.
Now about Applejack's piloting . Oooooh my.
"Boy I tell ya hcchh-what," Applejack yelled, pointing off in the distance, "M' ancient godapple godfather godwhatevvur Apple Bumpkin's ancient treasure's gunna be just over that them there horizon, aw hyuck!" Then she collapsed like a rag doll with a big stupid muppet-y smile on and just laid there with her hat over her eyes.
"Applejack!" I called. "Do we not need to watch where we're going?"
"Hyuck!" she retorted, and every now and again from then on she would get up, adjust the wheely-thingy, and then flop back onto the deck like a fish.
At some point Pinkie Pie set up a pinata. "It's WHAM-o-clock!" she cried. She just... she hung a pinata off of one of the masts and offered me a blindfold. I had no interest in blindly stumbling off of a ship and falling to my death, however, and Applejack was predisposed with madness, so the pinata remained.
At some point, I reasoned it was time for our hors d'ouevres . Not appetizers. Yes I'm looking at you. As I lifted the display, Pinkie squeaked. "Eeeeeeeeeeee! Wowie-dowie-zowie-bakowie I brought foodsies toosies!" And she rushed to that giant bag of hers and began pulling boxes. Boxes and boxes and boxes. She surrounded my sandwiches with them like presents under the Hearth's Warming tree. And, well, I suppose I would very much like chocolate-glazed donuts as a Hearth's Warming present. At any rate, Pinkie leapt up and blew a party favor and yelled, "Who wants some bombs in your mouth to blow up your head like a madmaaaaaare ?!"
"I'll try one later, Pinkie," I promised, and I may have been fibbing, "But only if you try one of these lovely sandwiches! They're divine . You too, Applejack."
Pinkie hissed and backed away from the sandwiches and made the sign of the sun at me.
But Applejack . Oooooh Applejack . She started yodeling, spun on the spot like a dog chasing her tail, and roundhouse-kicked my beautiful sandwiches that cost me ten bits a sandwich plus another fifty for labor right into the sea! She kicked them so hard the entire boat started swaying.
"Applejack," I asked her, calmly, reasonably, "Have you lost your mind, dear?"
"Whooooooooooooo nelly!!! " she hollered.
And then she... urk... then she barfed on meeeeee !
Ooooh how I hate Applejack !
Twilight stared with wide eyes, blinking. "... Applejack.... barfed on you?"
"Yeeees!" Rarity whined, wincing. "Why-ever would anyone do such a thing?!"
"Was she sick?" Twilight tilted her head.
"Yes. On me. I just said that."
"Did she barf on all three of you?" Spike raised an eyebrow. "Is that why you were all so... icky?"
"What?" Rarity blinked. "Oh, no no!" She waved a hoof in annoyance. "The boat sank! Obviously ."
"What!" Twilight and Spike cried.
"How," Twilight stammered, "How did that happen?"
"I don't know !" Rarity threw her hooves in the air. "Uh, bubbudabuuuh... Applejack and Pinkie are very heavy!" She furrowed her brows, thinking it over. "I don't suppose you're convinced by that."
Spike and Twilight shared a look. His was deadpanning. Hers was horrified. "Sugarcube Corner's closer," Spike hinted.
"Are you implying that I'm lying ?" Rarity huffed, a hoof to her chest. "That Pinkie knows better than moi so you're going to go ask her ?!"
Twilight pouted at her. "To be honest Rarity I think you're full of --"
"No!!" Spike cried. "No, not at all, your story is so detailed , it must be, uh, mostly true!" He rubbed at his chin to make a show of thought. "But it wouldn't be very generous if we didn't ask the others their side of the story, right?"
"Hmph," Rarity tossed her head. "Pinkie knows when she's done something wrong, she'll say exactly what I said and that I was right about everything . Go on, then! Go! Speak with the baker and leeeeave me to my Applejack -induced illness ."
Spike bowed, turned, rolled his eyes with a smile and walked out the door. Twilight awkwardly tiptoed after him as Rarity levitated three cartons of ice cream to her couch on the stairs and started sobbing.
"Wait a minute," Spike realized after they'd already walked out the door. "How did they get back to shore?"
"Oh my, that's terribly inconsiderate of her," Fluttershy said to the little crab, which was pinching in her general direction with a smile as they walked away from the Carousel Boutique.
Frowning at the ground in thought, Twilight ignored both of them completely and kept walking.
Rarity's wrong about everything!!!
Hey, where'd ya go?
Plates rattled and wooden spoons clacked to the floor as the dust settled in the kitchen of Sugarcube Corner. The cacophony of startled birds died off in the distance. If someone looked out the window, they may see Fluttershy vainly fly back and forth over the rooftops, unsure which individual to attempt to chase down and aggressively console first, before hanging limp in the air like a puppet and shaking her head with a frustrated pout.
"Pinkie," Twilight softly objected from under the counter. "We haven't even said anything yet." She and Spike crawled back out.
"Oh," Pinkie blushed with a smile. "Sowwy~..."
They stared at one another for several seconds. Pinkie cleared her throat and continued mixing eggs and flour, more rapidly and more "more" than was strictly needed.
"A-hrm-hrm to you too," Twilight awkwardly cleared her throat. "So, um, we're here about the boat trip..."
"Mm-hmm," Pinkie glared suspiciously with her chin up, still whisking.
"And we'd like to hear your story of what happened. And um, please don't shout."
"I bet you would ," Pinkie sniffed haughtily. She double-took her mixing bowl and blinked, her whisking slowing to a confused halt. "Uuuuuh... Lemme check the recipe and I'll be right witcha."
I felt really down that morning. Tail down, ears down, and what really got my attention: hair down ! Oh yeah, you heard me.
That told me I was gonna have a fight with my friends. And I didn't like that, because for one I don't like fighting my friends 'cause I like my friends and fighting isn't fun and it's really pretty lousy and a waste of time you could spend partying and laughing and being friends instead of being jerks, and the other reason is that even a dummy like me knew this meant the boat trip was gonna be a bust and I really wanted to go on a super fun party boat trip, and the other other reason is now that I knew I was gonna fight with my friends I was already in a bad mood and was probably gonna fight with my friends just because I knew I was gonna fight with my friends. Ya know??
You know~.
And y'know what else ya know? I put a lot of work into all that good stuff I brought on the trip, ya know! A lot ! That's two words! Why do we tell ponies it's one word? That just makes them spell it alot because it's one word so they don't think a space goes there. And then you confuse them even more with allot which is a different word and if I didn't like talking so much I'd think talking was really really dumb. I know you like to talk too, Twilight, you can't tell me you don't think it's more trouble than it oughta be sometimes with all these words, right?
So anywaysies I made all these sweets and you probably already heard that the boat sunk so we didn't get to eat it . Not even the salt water taffy! It coulda been saltwater salt water taffy! Gummy tried to filch the donuts and I guess I shoulda let him since no one got to eat them . Well no, that's not truesies.
What is true is I boxed all the sweets 'n' boxed the pinata 'n' boxed my shadow 'n' then I thought two things.
The first thing I thought was I didn't know what else to pack for a boat trip. So I just went 'n' got what I'd pack for a regular trip. Y'know, a sleepin' bag, a mat to put under the sleeping bag, rocks and sticks to make a fire, buncha other stuff 'n' some bouncy balls!
The second thing I thought was heeeey, how'm I gonna carry all this stuff? Now I know what you're gonna say. You're gonna say what Rarity said. And I know what Rarity said: She said I put it all in my hair and had a big ol' poofy head. Right?
Well I didn't! I got a really big sack and --
W-what?
... That's exactly what Rarity said?
..... Well gee. Umsies.
So um, I got a big ol' sack and I just kinda dumped everything in it, tied it up, 'n' put it on my back, I guess!
Anyway, my hair was gettin' in the way of the bag! And I tried a ponytail, but that didn't help. Then I tried a pompadour but I couldn't stop going wuh-huh-huh thankyouverymuch . Then I tried just wearin' it down but Mrs. Cake freaked out and when I looked at her she looked like a big ol' cupcake. Which I guess is her name but I went with pigtails.
And here we are about 800 words into my story count 'em bookbutt and I'm finally gettin' outta the front door!
I took a big ol' sniff of the nice Ponyville air 'cause I'd been to the ocean before and it stiiiiinks , just ask Izzy Moonbow in another thousand years. The whole way down to the train station I kept lookin' back and forth wonderin' when this fight with my friends was gonna start! ... Probably not before they showed up, now that I think about it.
I got to the train station first and I found that kinda weird because you'd think Applejack would always get up the earliest and Rarity'd always be perfectly on time and I'd show up at the very last second to go "it's not a paaarty without meeee!" and do some craaaazy thing to get onto the train as it was takin' off but nope! I wouldn't'a been able to do that with a giant bag on my back anyway.
I waited for six hours before Rarity showed up! Maybe six minutes. But I think it was six hours. And I waved and she waved and do ponies who do sign language just wave to say hi? Do they have other words to say hi? Because I said "Hiya Queenie! Have ya seen Applejack?" and she got ruuuuude .
"Oh posh !" she sigh-coughed at me. Yes, she sighed and she coughed at the same time ! HHhchCOOOUGH . Whattyou call that? Scoughing? You know how we talked about how words are dumb? Like scoffing. Ponies think scoffing is that sigh-cough noise that all the Rarities of the world use to pronounce any consonant but scoffing isn't a noise you make, it's a tone of voice that makes you sound like Rarity. Right? Something like that? Anyway she did that sigh-cough thing, HhchHOoUugh . "However should I know, dummy, darling? I don't know what she gets up to on that dirty nasty no-good very gross farm of hers. Not shower , I can tell you that. Or bathe or wash or other words of that sort nyeeeeehhh whine whine."
I thought I was bein' a good friend by not lettin' Rarity be a party-pooping prickly-pony pest before we even got on the train, so I said: "Maybe she ran into a gator-gopher! Maybe she accidentally crossbred a starbapple! Maybe a new cultivar is aggressively spreading across the farm like a kudzu vine! Haha, that's a funny word. Kudzu-wudzu-ba-dudzu. Could you cuts you a kudzu? Pfffhahahsnort!"
Ooooh, IIIII'm sorry, did I snort agaaaain? Rarity doesn't like when I snort . Snoooort. Oops, happened again, better not tell her, SNOOOOOORT, oh wow, they just keep going they're outta control, SNOOORT SNOOaaahackcoughcoughokaythatsenough.
She just smiled and nodded and stared at me like I was nuts. ... Whattya mean that's how she always looks at me?!
Anyway, who should show up on the horizon but Applejack, looking like the colts' fashion version of Daring-Do, y'know, the jacket 'n' the fedora 'n' all that. "Hoooooold yer horses, pardner!" she called out, backlit against the sun. She reared up and yip-yip-yeeehaw'd and kicked three cans up into the sky and shot 'em down with a BB gun she held in her teeth ! ... Eh. I admit it was kinda cool. I've seen yip-yip-yeehaw-ier. Then she skipped up lookin' real proud of herself.
But Rarity wasn't having it, because Rarity never has anything but temper tantrums. "Applejaaaaaaaack waaaaaaah! Where the heeeeck have you beeeeeen booohooohoooo?!"
Applejack slapped her hat onto the ground. "I tole you, Mizz Rarity," she growled in that outrageously low, gruff voice she has like a fat colt you're trying to talk to but he won't stop eating every other kid's applesauce, how does anyone have so many Magic the Gathering cards to trade for applesauce, anyway she says, "I tole you once, I tole you a hunned times, no free mare lives on another mare's timetable." She spit on the ground 'n' narrowed her eyes and they stared each other down for a bit and a cool whistle ditty played.
"You're being silly and dumb like Pinkie ," Queenie sniffed with her nose up. Like I said, rude .
"You always got a stick up yer butt," Applejack rumbled, which was also rude but totally true, and she picked up her hat and shook it off and put it back on, wiggling it with a squeak-squeak .
I looked back and forth and neither of 'em were saying anything else so I tried. "Travelin' light this time, Queenie?" I put a big ol' smile on and my patented Friend Eyes so she couldn't possibly get mad.
Except for Applejack ruinin' it. "Have a run-in with a bandito, did ya, madam ? Uwaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ho! " She has the throatiest laugh, she's like an oil baron, remember that one time those eco-themed superheroes mistook us for bad guys and whooped us because of her? ... No? Just me? I mean I can't blame ya for wantin' to forget that but.
"Madam means oooooold I'm not ooooold shut up both of you waaaaaahh," Rarity said, and we got on the train.
I tried to play look-boop with them where ya look and see things out the train window and them boop 'em on the nose and they both yelled at me and breathed fire on me and told me I was annoying and dumb and fat so I stopped and I'm not fat I'm just happy you jerks oughta try it sometime.
The Shoals've got boats and fresh seafood and retirement homes so you know they're a tourist hot spot and we split up when we got there 'cause we were all interested in a different tourist trap!
I joined the old ponies at bingo and got kicked out for. Reasons. Just reasons. I'm pretty sure the old guy who ratted me out was Princess Luna in a mustache. I swear! It was totally her! We'll go down there sometime and see if she's there again!
Soooooo for luuuuunch we had Seaward Shoals Slow-Soaked Shore-Shelled Seaweed!
Seaward Shoals Slow-Soaked Shore-Shelled Seaweed!
Seaward. Shoals. Slow. Soaked. Shore. Shelled. Seaweed. Gosh you're as bad as Applejack 'n' Rarity. I know those tubby girls love to eat, the least they could do is remember the names of their helpless victims as they devour their entrails.
Anyway I thought it was pretty good, but Rarity wouldn't shut up about how the best it was. "My word darling it's so darling it's darlingously delectably oooooo ," or some crud like that! You ever think Rarity doesn't actually know a lotta words so she just stuffs darling and magnifique in to mean everything? Oh nonono Twilight don't start talking about literally I'm sorry we're off-track we're tangential to the thesis MY STORY IS VERY SCIENTIFIC PLEASE LISTEN .
So since Rarity was bein' Rarity - the reflexive property, see, scientific - Applejack had to get all nuh-uh about it. There was one gust of wind while she stared us down. "Mizz Rarity, this seaweed is like fool's gold... it looks like gold ta th' untrained eye... but it's got no stem 'n' no..." No, uh, what the hecksies did she say, it didn't make any sense , I don't remember it very well. It doesn't matter, I'd bet my best cupcake recipe she liked it just fine and was just being Applejack . Reflexive property science.
And you know what makes me mega super-duper ultra mad ?! When we got to the hotel they only gave us two beds! And of course Rarity was all "waaaaah Pinkie's too fat to share a bed with waaaaah" and I had to sleep on the floor so lucky me I brought a sleeping bag so I just rolled that out while Rarity and Applejack were arguing and waited for them to notice between all the "you're dirty and gross" and "you're a plumb ornery git".
Did you know Rarity takes two hours to shower?! Two hours!! Fluttershy takes half an hour and she can barely fit her whole tail in the darn stall, who the heck takes two hours ?!
And ya know what? When we woke up she was already in there. So Applejack said the nicest thing she said to me on the entire trip, which is, "Let's not waste our time waitin'," and we just got dressed and left! My hair was a disaster ! ... Like more than usual! Applejack looked great, I dunno how she does it, Rarity thinks she's absorbed the concept of being dirty to make it part of her charm or something like that.
How do I know it was two hours? Because that's how long after we left and took another look around the shops and then waited for her at the boat that she finally showed up at the stupid dock!
You know what was there on time ? Her luggage . All twelve giant chests of it. "Yooohoooooo!" I heard the distinct call of a princess , no offense Twilight. "Can anyone pweeaaaase do a little lifting for lazy good-for-nothing get-a-colt-to-do-it little old meeeeeeee?"
And like six dudes started pickin' that crud up and puttin' it on the boat!
Do you know what Rarity said when she saw me? No go on, guess. ... WRONG . She said: "Pinkie , my word , you look like a bog-witch ! What the devil happened to your hair ! Imagine what will happen when the wind picks up!" Which I should remind you was her fault .
I coulda ate her alive, ya know. Little willowy thing like her, two bites, CHOMP CHOMP. But no. I smiled. "Aw, Rarity!" I beamed at her. "My hair's always a mess in the wind! One time a fish got blown in there, I dunno how that happened! Hey, where'd Applejack go? She was right here!" 'cause Applejack was right there and I guess she got tired of waiting for Rarity's slow butt so she musta wandered off.
"Nyeeeh well it wasn't my turn to watch her nyeeeeehh," Rarity said, ugh .
"Still here!" Applejack yipped, and to make sure everyone remembered she'd been there for years and years, she stomped a giant crater in the earth like she was puttin' her hoofprints on the Applewood Walk of Fame!
So we got on the boat in a hurry, and oh! We didn't hire any crew! Applejack said she could do it!
Do you guys know Applejack has a really weird concept of being honest. No, I understand, that's a really weird thing to bring up right now, but Applejack sometimes just doesn't let you know about stuff that's really important, such as, oh, I dunno, THAT SHE HAS MEGA LAND LEGS .
That's right. Applejack, our boat-steering -- horse... pilot -- THE BOAT-STEERER got seasick the INSTANT SHE WAS ON THE BOAT!!!
I'm sorry, I promised not to yell, didn't I. Ooourgh , I just wanna throw a pillow at her head . A pillow that I sprayed to smell like beans . Wait, does Applejack like the smell of beans? She's a buckaroo, they like beans, right? What smell does Applejack really not like? Oh! Rarity's nasty perfume! I can spray it with that!
Rarity is on yachts all the time and I do parties for spoiled rich kids where I balance on a ball in the water so neither of us can get seasick anymore. We've built up an immunity to the seasick virus. Twilight, I love you, but I gotta be honest, shush, I'm obviously making a joke here, of course seasickness isn't a virus, you're as bad as Rarity and I'm sorry please don't cry.
So the whole time we're on the boat, Applejack is blue-and-green in the face and stubbornly trying to steer the boat and doesn't wanna do anything. She wouldn't eat Rarity's watermelon sandwiches or any of the stuff I baked. She wouldn't hit the pinata. She couldn't even look at the weird map thingy she brought!
Rarity didn't wanna hit the pinata either. And I mean, I guess it wasn't a very big boat, and she coulda stumbled and fell off, so just this once I'll take the minus one and admit maaaaybe that was the wrong place wrong time for a pinata.
I spent like an hour or two trying to get them to do something. Anything . And then Rarity pulled out her pickle sandwiches and I was like--
Huh? ... Wait, hors d'oeuvres and appetizers aren't the same thing? I don't know what the difference is! I just put it in my mouth!
Anywaysies I was like "Oh wowie-zowie! I brought snackies too!" And I had to dig around in the bag a little bit and there really wasn't any room on the little table Rarity brought so I just kinda dumped bags of chocolates and candies onto the deck. "Who wants warheaaaads?"
Then I remembered Applejack was sick and I shouldn'ta said that.
And Rarity was like "Oh pffft ohohoho pffft Pinkie, my dear fat Pinkie pfffft perhaps later you idiot OOoOOHhohoho have an avocado sandwich!"
And then the boat sank.
Pinkie sat there staring past them at nothing for twenty seconds. The two of them slowly turned to see if there was a giant bug on the wall or something.
"Uh," Twilight eventually broke the silence, turning back. "Pinkie?"
"I'm tryin' to figure out how the stupid boat sank," Pinkie thought, her brows furrowed. "If all Rarity's luggage didn't tip the darn thing over I don't see how any of us coulda done it. I had a fortune in that bag, ya know. Some of the games I brought aren't even sold anymore!"
"How'd you get back to shore?" Spike prompted.
"Oh, ya know what?" Pinkie "snapped" a hoof like fingers, "I bet it was because dumb Rarity dropped my sour warheads in the water. That musta caused an explosion and capsized the boat!"
"I don't know about that," Twilight tilted her head, frowning.
"Trust me, Twilight, they were real fizzy," Pinkie insisted.
"You know what this means, of course," Twilight said to Spike with a sigh.
"No one's gonna answer my question?" he pouted.
"We gotta try to get the truth out of Applejack..." Twilight mumbled in a monotone.
"Ha!" Pinkie tossed her head. "Good luck with that Pinkie Promise-perverting produce-pony !"
"C'mon sis!" the high-pitched voice pestered.
Applejack walked up to the tree.
"You promised !"
Applejack turned and kicked the tree.
"What're you so embarrassed fer?!"
Applejack froze before putting her hoof back down, turning her huge pouty face to Twilight and Spike smiling and waving several paces away.
"Do ya think I got th' key ta th' city or somethin'?!"
Applejack grunted "Eunnh." and continued with her work.
"Um," Twilight began, coughing delicately. She tilted her head and spoke gently. "Do you wanna talk about what happened?"
"Eeuuuuhhhh-nope," Applejack returned, not breaking stride.
"Good luck gettin' her ta," Apple Bloom pouted. "She won' even trust her one 'n' only sister who prob'ly mussed up worse last week than whatever coulda happened on this dang boat trip."
This time, Twilight put a hoof on Spike's face (having meant to go for the chest) and continued talking with a big smile. "That's okay. Rarity already told us everything. We'll just go."
"Aw, she did?!" Apple Bloom kicked at the dirt.
Twilight's smile dropped as Applejack kicked the next tree right out of the ground. "Rarity tole you?" she turned with wide eyes, a twitching scowl, and steaming nostrils. "Rarity tole you a bunch-a-hooey is what she prob'ly did."
"Really?" Twilight gasped and tilted her head innocently. "Gosh, it lined up so well with what Pinkie said..."
"Yer as bad a liar as ya are a farmer," Applejack growled. "Fine. Follow me 'n' listen." She returned to her duties as Twilight and Spike exchanged a high-low-five and fished out the notebook.
"Finally ." Apple Bloom scowled.
The three of them followed after Applejack as she moved to another grove. Behind them, Fluttershy struggled to put all the trees Applejack had kicked over back up, the former residents of their branches cheering her on.
I ain't happy yer makin' me talk about this. Don't you go tattlin' to them two airheads none. This is our secret, ya hear? You too, Apple Bloom.
I had a nightmare th' mornin' we was due fer th' train.
I was tied up in some dungeon somewhere over a pool o' sharks, 'n' m' head tole me th' ninjies got me. Y'know, ninjies. Th' fellers with th' hoods 'n' th' samurai swords that go "Yooooo!" 'n' throw them shureekens 'round.
"Eeeey Applejack-a, you will-a tell me th' secret, uuuuh?" That were Mayor Mare, yes she had that accent, she was one of them urban ninjie-havers. "The uuuuh, youse knows, da secret to growin' da ultimate apple, so's I can clobber dat Equestrian economy, seeeee?"
'n' my dumb self, I said, "I won't never tell you nothin' ya ol' blubber-faced yellow-bellied skunk."
And that ol' snake in my boot, that ol' poison in th' water-hole, that ol' fat cat who'd steal th' hat off my head and go howdy-howdy-howdy, she said, "I figya'd youse'd say dat. Now youse is gonna get kissy wit da fishies!" 'n' she clapped 'er hooves 'n' th' chain went grrrrrdlrdlrdlrdl 'n' I done fell me inta th' dangum shark tank, screamin' somethin' awful!
'n' then I sat up in bed, hackin' 'n' coughin' but still screamin', and a certain somepony else were screamin' too.
But then she weren't screamin', she were goin' "Wake up sis, ya got a boat trip today, also hayyeelp!" from inside th' upside-down big ol' pot - don' look at me like that Apple Bloom that's just exactly how you sound - from inside th' big ol' pot she musta filled with water 'n' harassed me with. Sure as Pinkie snores Granny Smith put 'er up ta that, Apple Bloom wouldn't 'o' dared cook that one up on 'er own, that's th' only reason I ain't whooped her.
Naturally I asked her, purdy sharp-like, "Why're you waterin' me for?!" 'n' then I got up 'n' picked that pot offa her silly lil' head 'n' I remembered, "Oh right. Th' dang boat trip..."
"Wish I could go with ya," she gave me that big ol' stole-a-cookie smile, I know you been stealin' cookies girl, "Buuut I reckon you want yer boat ta stay up-side-up." Maybe I shoulda brought 'er. Since th' dang boat did turn upside down maybe she woulda put it back th' right way.
I ruffled her hair, which was good for her what since th' pot had flattened her out, 'n' promised I'd tell her 'bout it after I got back. 'n' I was goin' ta go "it's still after I got back ain't it" 'til Rarity had grey hairs so I s'pose I ought ta thank ya fer makin' me keep my promise. Anyhow, Apple Bloom headed out 'n' surely had her a much nicer two days than I did while I slipped inta th' shower. Yes we have a shower .
Now th' shower made me feel antsy 'n' y'all prob'ly figured out by now that I don't do so good with water. I sink like a rock. I ain't th' imaginative sort but I came up with eleventy-hundred ways I coulda fell in th' water and only a couple o' ways Rarity or Pinkie might save me.
Th' only reason I agreed ta go on that stupid trip is because I ain't no coward ! I was flirtin' with death! And it turns out, Granny's grandpa, Great-Apple Jonagold were his name, he liked ta tell folks he was a pirate. I say it that way 'cause I ain't so sure myself that he was, but he said he hid a treasure near th' Silver Shoals as they was called back then, 'n' just last month we found us a treasure map with his name on it! So I had ta see if he were full o' horseapples or not, 'n' I figured th' girls would be mighty thrilled ta go on an adventure some, Rarity loved them "romance"-like things 'n' if nothin' else Pinkie would just do pirate voices th' whole time. Th' idiots.
I uh, declined ta mention at any point durin' th' trip that there were skellingtons in Great-Apple Jonagold's stories. I know, I can be a bit remiss time to time, and I didn't stop ta think that maybe they was real . But come ta think of it, after what we been through, I really oughta have tole 'em bout th' possibility. Hmm.
Anyhow. I gussied up 'n', noticin' th' time was a bit late, headed out.
Now, th' three of us might be a little bit dumb, but we ain't that dumb. We agreed ta meet a bit ahead o' time in case any of us was late.
Which I was. "Hol' yer horses, girls!" I yelled canterin' up to 'em. I... miiiighta done a yip-yip-yahoo , I were purdy excited. "Where ya at? Ya got everythin'?"
"Oh, Applejack ," Rarity rolled 'er purdy eyes at me, I shoulda rolled 'em 'round th' back-a her head, "Where have you been , darling! And why are you dressed like that!"
Now I mighta already been losin' my patience with this girl, and I couldn't stop myself from makin' a cluckin' noise back at her befer I replied at 'er. "We ain't all such perfect ladiemoozels as you, Rarity! Some-a us gotta improvise th' time! " And I slapped m' hat down on th' ground, but I don't reckon neither of 'em noticed th' dang treasure map what was in it. Wait. Did I slap th' hat open-side down? Aw son of a...
Welp, me bein' an idiot, Rarity didn't know what th' heck I was throwin' my hat around fer. "What are you doing! Calm down , Applejack, Pinkie's quite silly enough for the three of us."
"Aw, ferget it," I sighed, 'n' put m' hat back on my dumb empty stupid wrong-way-throwin' head.
"Travelin' light this time, Queenie?" Pinkie done blurted out all th' sudden.
I took me a look-see at Rarity. Sho nuff, she only had a purse with her. Wasn't even dressed. "Pinkie's got a point. You git mugged like some old lady?" I smirked at 'er 'n' patted her on th' back 'n' she made this whole big ol' show of hackin' 'n' coughin' like I done knocked her lungs right out. Yep, th' mare who threw Blueblood out a window once, th' gal who Discord goaded inta boxin' 'im who knocked out his snaggletooth, yep, that girl was real mussed up by a gentle tap on th' back from Applejack, who she done bowled over once .
"Who's an old lady ..?!" she hissed at me, 'n' we got on th' train.
And boy howdy did we git tired of Pinkie boppin' us on th' nose every time she saw any dang ordinary thing th' train were passin' but I did my best lettin' her go 'bout it and I could see Rarity were holdin' back her murderous urges too.
We stayed th' night at Silver Shoals, o' course - er, Seaward Shoals, whatever th' heck it's called - so's on th' first day we meandered 'round.
I found a cousin' o' mine, dear lil' Kelp Cookie, she's a filly, folks call 'er Kelpie, had ta help 'er out with a water-kudzu infestation. See, water-kudzu is real creepy, it's actually an animal, it can swim, comes at ya like a leech or a snake. Plumb awful and that sweet little lady wasn't about ta wrassle a swarm of 'em so's she could harvest th' seaweed. And ya see, we were fixin' ta have us some Skateboard Sells Snore-Shucked Bell... Whatsit... Seaweed, I fergot th' name, but it's seaweed and we couldn't exactly have any 'til I done chased away them sea-kudzus, and since I can't swim none that took all th' smarts I had and now I got nothin' but dumb ideas fer th' next couple weeks. 'course, they was so grateful we got ta have it fer free. Don't reckon Rarity told ya that .
Dumb ol' Rarity thought seaweed was a fruit . "Oh Applejack," she pip-pipped at me, battin' them fake ostrich lashes, "These are the oddest apples I've ever had, wouldn't you agreeeeee."
Ooooh I had ta let 'er have it!! "Apples?!" I yelled back. "How're these anythin' like apples?! They got no stem! No flesh! Very low in sugar, butt-load o' MSG, completely diff'rent flavor!" Why're you lookin' at me like that? I'm right, ain't I?! Apple Bloom, you can tell an apple from a seaweed, can't you, girl?! How many apples you ate in your life?! I done had twice as many, boy howdy!
So that evenin' we git ta th' hotel and bless her heart, Pinkie got us a room what had only two beds. Now I were already startin' ta git in a bad mood some, but I tried ta give 'er some slack, th' problem was one-a-us had ta sleep on the dalgurn floor. And ta tell ya the truth, I was all set ta volunteer, but sweet Celestia, guess who done cut in afer I could.
"Pinkie Pie !" that ol' Duchess Rarity whined like Winona when we're tryin' ta git a squirrel out her mouth, "I can't believe you! These beds aren't big enough for any two of us, which of us is going to sleep on the floor?! I know you used to sleep on rocks, but from what I've heard of your visits back home, I dare say only Applejack could possibly tolerate such discomfort!"
Now, let me be clear here: She were right. Pinkie grew up on a rock farm, but that were some years ago, 'n' whenever we went back there she could barely sleep a wink. Big Mac 'n' Apple Bloom too. But Granny 'n' I never had no problems.
But I weren't about ta let her git away with decidin' that!! So's I asked her what in th' hay she meant by that 'n' how I had half a mind ta somethin'-somethin' but I couldn't come up with no somethin'-somethin' and if that girl tole you I jess had half a mind full stop I'm' gather both them halves together 'n' give 'er what's for but fierce boy howdy!
Anyhow. Pinkie brought herself a sleepin' bag, which was mighty fortunate, 'n' while me 'n' Rarity were bickerin' she just rolled it out quick as ya please 'n' sat herself down on it. 'n' when we looked at her, she said it were her fault so she'd sleep on th' floor. And I s'pose that was plenty fair o' her.
What wasn't so fair was Rarity headin' inta th' shower 'fore we woke up, and ya know what? I admit it. I know what Rarity said, she prob'ly went on two-three minutes about how we didn't shower 'n' she mighta thought we did it to spite her. Well we did. Or, leastabouts, I did. I heard her singin' in th' shower and I didn't want ta wait two or three hours none so's I tole Pinkie, heck, let's not waste our time, let Rarity smell th' consequences o' her actions, she wouldn't learn none but I'll be sent ta apple kindergarten befer I let her git away scot-free with her shenanigans, and she's always wearin' that nasty perfume o' hers so it's whatchacallit... turnip... turnabouts! That's it.
'n' Pinkie shrugged and we went about it. Weren't th' first time either of us skipped a day I'm sure. Don't lookit me like that, befer I git ta cookin' I always water m'self like a drunk cat, I may not talk so smart but I ain't some Dark Age peasant, I know how them infect-ee-ous agents work!
Anyhow, I done all this talkin' and we ain't even got to th' boat! We knew we were at th' right one when we saw all Rarity's luggage. Shoot, how many boxes was that, eight or ten, I reckon? ... Twelve?! Pinkie said twelve?! ... It mighta been twelve.
Now Pinkie, she ain't so good at waitin', which we had ta do fer Rarity, who's always on time in her mind, 'n' not on any other soul's "shed-ule". So's I busied m'self lookin' 'round th' dock. I done a lotta woodwork in my time, 'n' lil' Apple Bloom here's a prodigy in th' stuff, but neither of us ever built over water, so's I was admirin' th' hooftiwork.
'n' I musta been 'round some crates or some such when I hear Rarity yell, "Well it wasn't my turn to watch her!" which I'm sure she thought were real funny. "Mayhaps she's been taken in by a tool display in the craftsman's quarter?"
Anyhow I yell back "Still here!" 'n' what's with that look.
"Um," Twilight awkwardly rubbed at her neck. "We were told, at this point in the proceedings, you stomped a crater into the earth."
"Wut!! " Applejack yelled, her hat popping up off her head, spinning, and falling back into place. "Of all the far-fetched... Is that what Rarity said?!"
"No. Pinkie." Spike shook his head. "Rarity said you shrieked 'yip-yip-yahoo!' and did a cannonball dive from the sky and destroyed the entire dock."
"Why I always gotta be some kinda natural disaster in them girls' heads?!" Applejack roared, kicking another tree hard enough to tilt it. "Alright, alright, what happened ain't so darn dramatic, listen here."
So's I yell back "Still here!" 'n' come runnin' 'round th' corner 'fer the morons took off without me.
But I musta put m' hooves down a bit hard, 'cause th' instant I put one step on th' boardwalk - y'know, where it's over th' water and not on th' land no more - th' very first dangum step I go right through like paper, fall down ta my' shoulder.
Now as I said, I'm a little bit nervous 'round water. Boy howdy I shrieked like a chicken sittin' on a cactus, I don't know what noise I made but it weren't no dang yip-yip-yahoo . Both of 'em come runnin' ta yank me back out 'n' start checkin' m' leg fer injuries. I were fine, just real shook up some, thought I was goin' in th' drink!
Now I tell you somethin', this is just about th' only time all three of us is nice to each other this whole trip. Rarity cooed over me like a mother hen, Pinkie wriggled all nervous-like, it was real sweet.
But it didn't last long, Rarity done did her "Yoohooo~" and called some poor fellers over ta carry her coffin-sized luggage aboard, 'n' Pinkie got mad fer my sake, sayin' I oughta sue! 'n' she were gonna stomp when she got ta sue , but then she stopped 'n' looked down and thought about it some, I reckon.
Now between this happenin' 'n' me rememberin' that dream I had, I'm real queasy already 'n' thinkin', boy howdy by the end of this I'm gonna be on th' bottom of th' bay. And well, you prob'ly already heard, that's just about what happened.
Spike, don't interrupt, thank ya kindly.
Did th' girls mention I was s'posed ta steer th' boat? It was a purdy expensive trip already 'n' we wanted it ta be just us, so's against m' better judgment I tole 'em ta just rent a lil' boat, I'd be able ta do it. I only been on a boat a couple times in my life, one of them cousins o' mine runs a ferry up 'n' down th' Dead Doe's Dance, y'know that river, some crud 'bout a necromancer gal, but Fab 'n' Fatty had never steered one so far's I know, so it was up ta me. And guess who's hoofin' th' bill because we sunk the stupid thing 'n' furthermore m' credit score. You got any idea how expensive a boat is?
... Aw shucks, naw, I can't ask you girls ta chip in - 'cept Pinkie 'n' Rarity - c'mon, quit it you. No! That argument's over dagnabbit! Shut yer purdy lil' mouths, I'm yarnin'!
Anyhow. I git on that boat and my stomach wants ta jump out both sides-a-me at th' same time. And sure as th' sea stinks I weren't 'bout ta tell them that so's I tried ta put on a brave face. "Hoo-wee! Smell that fresh urr!" I yelled 'n' pointed horizon-ward, but I shouldn't o' said that 'cause it made me sicker. "Great Apple Jonagold's long-hidden pirate treasure's somewhere... over th'... deep blue yonder..." 'n' if I said one more word I was 'bout to dig up my lunch from m' stomach so's I shut up 'n' laid m'self down on that there deck. Ev'ry now 'n' aginn I'd git up 'n' make sure th' boat weren't 'bout to crash inta nothin'.
And ta tell th' truth, I weren't hardly payin' attention ta nothin' what happened after that, 'cept fer three things.
Numb'r one, that Pinkie was yellin'. She would not stop got-dang yellin' fer hours felt like. Lucky us we was out in th' open air 'n' she did most of her yellin' Rarity-wards. If she'd been yellin' at me I woulda died .
Numb'r two, that stupid airhead Rarity done waved food under my nose!! What in th' hay was she thinkin'? Or was she just not thinkin'?! There's a pony clearly not feelin' well 'bout ta un-eat errythang she done ate th' past twenty-some hours 'n' you wanna go stuffin' more in there?! I ain't never met such a smart gal who was so stupid !
'n' number three that th' boat sank. How'd that happen? Heck if I know. I weren't that dang mad. But I stopped worryin' 'bout bein' sick right quick I can tell ya that !
And boy howdy I ain't never goin' on no friggin' boat ever aginn sure as I buck 'em 'n' bake 'em 'n' bring 'em ta market!
Spike and Twilight looked at one another.
"Should we ask about barfing on Rarity," Spike whispered.
Twilight pressed her lips together and rapidly shook her head.
"What're you two conspirin' over! " Applejack demanded.
"Each of you has mentioned details the others have left out and we've elected not to press you as describing the events of the trip has been very upsetting to all of you," Twilight answered evenly.
"Oh." Applejack blinked three times. "Reckon that's fair. Obliged."
Twilight nodded curtly. "Come on, Spike! We've got a mystery to solve with logic and facts !" She turned on the spot and began power-walking off.
"Uh," Spike scratched his head. "Thanks for telling us, take care, we'll see you later, and I'm personally sorry if Twilight makes this worse."
"Ain't none-a-this yer fault, Spike," Applejack sighed.
They waved to one another and Spike scampered off after Twilight.
"You threw up, dinnya?" Apple Bloom smirked.
Applejack shot her a glare but didn't deny it.
Twilight let out a horrific, shuddering pffTtTtttHhh with her cheeks puffed out and slammed her face down onto the table.
"Y'all might coulda tipped it over with all yer dang luggage, maybe," Applejack suggested.
"You and Pinkie tipped it over when you both stood on the same end!" Rarity accused.
"Oh here we go with the fat comments again !" Pinkie rolled her eyes. "You're no Miss Equestria yourself, you ice-cream-snarfing hag ."
"I don't snarf that much -- "
"How did you girls get back to shore!!" Spike slammed his hands on the table and yelled. "Waah!" He wilted under four sudden strong glares.
"Spike, you're being very rude," Twilight admonished.
"Wha," Spike blinked in disbelief, closed his eyes and scowled.
Twilight turned to the others. "Listen. Girls. I know you're all very upset, but yelling at and blaming each other isn't going to solve this mystery."
"What mystery," they all objected in chorus, then looked at each other and away.
"I've cross-referenced all of your stories and I believe I have a loose approximation of what really happened," Twilight offered.
They slowly turned their heads to her with reluctant pouts as Twilight physically picked up a stack of three or four papers, cleared her throat, and opened her mouth to read with closed eyes.
"Let me see that," Fluttershy hissed, and swiped it out of her grasp.
Rarity, Pinkie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Twilight, and Spike meekly followed behind the furious, stomping yellow pegasus who just two hours ago had been their dear, tender friend Fluttershy, until she had overheard them discussing the boat trip and interjected herself. For some reason, she was incredibly upset with them, and they didn't know why.
"I can't believe you girls," she huffed. "You can't be left on your own for two days !"
The locals and other tourists in the Seaward Shoals took one look and got out of the way as they made their way quickly from the train station to the docks.
"H-hey, I wasn't even on this trip," Twilight objected.
"I only heard about it today," Rainbow Dash yawned. "I'm sorry I missed it and glad it isn't my fault for once." She was smiling at the goings-on.
"Surely you helped them plan it out, Twilight..." Fluttershy accused, pointing a wing at her like a sword.
"E-excuse me?" Twilight paled. "What, you think I plan literally every microcosmic event that happens in Equestria --"
"And you didn't even think to talk to me before you left?"
"Erm... N-no?" Applejack answered honestly. "Why in th' world would that-a crossed our minds."
Rarity paused with nervous pigeon-hooves. "We did tell you we were going on a trip --"
"Rrrrgh ." Fluttershy cooed, and gently tapped one forehoof onto the earth. She took a deep breath, exhaled, and kept walking with a big pout.
"-- though-perhaps-ought-to-have-given-more-detail !" Rarity hastily added.
"You're bein' really weird," Pinkie worried.
"Fluttershy, darling," Rarity soothed. "We're terribly sorry to um, to have upset you, but um, why are you so upset with us, and why did we need to come back here, and why did I need to prepare another serving of cucumber sandwiches..."
"I don't know why I'm here either, but I'm gettin' some serious shooden-frood." Rainbow Dash nodded along. "Shoddy-freed. Shootin'-friends."
"Schadenfreude !" Twilight yelled at her.
"Gezundheit ," Dash smiled back.
"You three have been a terror to all the animals of Ponyville and even those beyond," Fluttershy scolded. "Scaring them with your yelling, damaging their homes with your violent outbursts, and you even took some back with you from their proper home at the Seaward Shoals." She paused at the dock and leaned down, gently parting her hair to allow the cheerful crab to scamper out and return to the water.
The three in question all paused to share an awkward glance with each other.
"And to top it all off --" Fluttershy began, then slowly breathed in and out. "Are the sandwiches sealed air-tight?" She gently demanded.
"Yes, dear," Rarity confirmed with a gulp.
"Get in the boat, please." Fluttershy stood at her full height on the edge of the dock and swept one wing out towards the boat - a modest rowboat - with a prim expression. The others awkwardly shuffled in, balancing themselves around the boat and avoiding looking at each other, before Fluttershy stepped in with her chin high. "Twilight, Rarity, if you'd be so kind, take us to the center of the bay, and keep us well above the waterline."
"Huh?" Twilight asked. "Oh, with magic..? Uh, sure, we can do that. Right, Rarity?"
And so a magical force, visible only to the unicorns as a wobbly bubble in sapphire-and-eggplant checkerboard, lifted up the boat and carried it to approximately the center of the bay.
"You girls didn't even make it to sea, did you?" Fluttershy huffed.
"S-sure we did!" Pinkie objected.
"We sailed quite a distance," Rarity sniffed.
Applejack opened her mouth, winced, and closed her mouth.
"No you didn't, don't lie to me," Fluttershy declared firmly. "Rainbow Dash, could you take these sandwiches out about... 30 hands from the boat, open it up, dump it in the water, and hurry back here as quick as you can, please..." Fluttershy said more gently. After all, Rainbow Dash was the only one who hadn't somehow offended her.
Rainbow Dash stood there with her eyes closed for a second or two. "Uh, am I gonna be in danger," she eventually questioned with a yawn.
"Oh, not at all," Fluttershy assured with a smile. "Just fly back here right away when you drop them."
"Kay." Rainbow Dash yawned again, accepted the box of sandwiches, and flew out. "Is this faaar enooough?! " she yelled.
"A little mooore! "
"Heeere?! "
"Teensy bit moooore! "
"How 'bout noooow! "
Fluttershy tilted her head side to side.
"That's good! Open it up, drop it, and hurry back! "
Dash was back before the sandwiches hit the water. "Alright, now what."
Except for the pegasuses, the girls yelped as a huge bump rose up from the bay, turning from blue to purple. Twilight and Rarity lifted the boat up a bit higher to evade the wave, and the girls' breath caught in their throat as the bump turned again to red, the yellow spines down the back now visible. A long neck unfurled, ending in a huge head, somewhere between a dragon's and a dog's, with a long sharp-toothed snoot, a pudgy black nose, and three spines along the nose bridge. It opened its big doe eyes and blinked its thick lashes at them.
Everyone except Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash curled up together into a fearful big group hug.
"This is a tri-horned bunyip," Fluttershy chirped. "Bunyips make their homes in the water very close to land, because they eat or use all of the things ponies clumsily drop into the water. Because of their large size and powerful jaws, many legends mistakenly think of them as pony-eaters, but they're very gentle creatures. They have an irresistible attraction to cucumbers and can smell them from the bottom of the bay."
"C-cucumbers..." Rarity whispered in dread.
"Siiick," Rainbow Dash complimented, still smiling.
The bunyip's eyes widened upon recognizing Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie, and it gave a sad grimace, pulling up its little front paws and poking them together.
"She remembers you and she's very sorry for ruining your boat trip," Fluttershy interpreted. "And she's the one who brought you back to shore."
"Finally !" Spike exhaled. "Now it makes sense. A big fantastic creature living in the middle of the bay that no one knew about did it. Of course ." He nodded. "I shoulda known."
"Um," Rarity separated from the hug to step forward. "H-hello!" She waved. "I'm happy you liked the sandwiches!"
The bunyip waved back and nodded with happy kitty eyes.
"I hope all Pinkie's candies didn't upset your stomach!" Rarity added nervously.
The bunyip shook her head with the same face.
Pinkie and Applejack moved next to Rarity. Fluttershy instinctively moved back to keep the boat balanced with Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Spike, even though Twilight was still holding it aloft. "Thank you for saving us!" Pinkie added.
The bunyip blushed and waved both paws palms-out in a no, no gesture.
"Um, see ya later!" Applejack waved.
The bunyip waved again and returned under the sea.
Everyone was quiet for ten seconds.
"Noooow," Fluttershy crooned like a disappointed mother, "I think you three girls have something to say to each other."
Another ten seconds.
"Th' heck was th' matter with y'all! " Applejack started.
"Me?! Why didn't you tell us you were seasick?!" Pinkie retorted.
"Ooooh is that why you barfed on meeeeee ?!" Rarity added.
"G-girls," Fluttershy meeped.
Twilight sighed, rolled her eyes, and began to pull the boat back towards shore as the sun began to set.
"I was tryin' to git you two all excited fer an adventure 'n' you two were busy bein' dummies !"
"Excited? Excited?! You two were so busy bein' jerks you wouldn't even play look-boop let alone wham-o-clock !!"
"Am I supposed to be eager to join you in wanton violence you mad pink boar ?!"
"Mmm," Rainbow Dash sighed, leaning comfortably on the side of the boat. "Feels good to be on this side of the exhibit for once."
"Oh, dear," Fluttershy sighed.
