Author's Note
I've been holding onto this story for a while as well (I haven't written any fanfiction/parodies in a really long time). This one, I was quite worried would be offensive, and that's why I avoided publishing it. So, to try and preempt any misunderstandings, let me just say that I fully support the LBGTQ community. This is just a silly story I wanted to share, so I hope everyone can enjoy it.
Don't Ship Me!
“Thanks for your help moving these boxes of party supplies, Rainbow Dash!” Pinke Pie said, throwing the last box of confetti down the slide into her party-planning cave as she spoke.
“Uh… sure thing. But why do you need this much stuff?” Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow.
“For parties, silly!” Laughing, Pinkie pinched Rainbow Dash’s cheek.
“…” Rainbow Dash made an annoyed face before slapping Pinkie’s hoof away. “Okay then. If you don’t need me for anything else, then I’m gonna go.”
Pinkie bounced to the door, blocking Rainbow Dash’s path, and stuck her nose up close to her face before clamoring, “Hey! I’ve got an idea! Why don’t you stay for tea and pie?! Yeah, you should stay! You deserve a reward after doing all that work for me! Doesn’t tea and pie sound delicious?! And fun?!”
Facing away from Pinkie, Rainbow Dash stuck out her tongue. She looked back and smiled. “Oh yeah. So fun… Because I love your pies… How could I possibly refuse?”
“You can’t!” Pinkie bellowed merrily.
Rainbow Dash sat down at the table while Pinkie dashed around the kitchen, preparing tea and searching for a pie. In a jiffy, she had the table set, with a big apple pie for each of them. Pinkie dug right in, sticking her face in the pie and gobbling up large chunks of it. Rainbow Dash took small sips of her tea and ignored the pie for now, though she kept an eye out for a chance to dispose of it.
Pinkie’s pie was already gone, save for the applesauce covering her face. She smiled and rested her chin on her hooves, making Rainbow Dash feel uncomfortable. How was she supposed to get rid of the pie if Pinkie was watching so closely? Maybe there was one way…
“Er, you know, I’m not really hungry. You want my pie too?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Heck yeah!”
Smacking and chomping, Pinkie gobbled down the second pie in seconds. She belched, then took a long swig of tea. With an anxious, unblinking stare, Rainbow Dash watched her a moment. She exhaled.
Pinkie set her tea down. “Soooooo… I’ve been wondering about something…” She leaned in and elbowed Rainbow Dash in the side. “You’re… you know… right?”
Annoyed, Rainbow replied, “No, I do not know. What are you talking about?”
“You know! THAT!” Pinkie nudged Rainbow Dash some more. “Come on! You know! Like, your special somepony would be a mare instead of a stallion. That’s what I’m talking about! So you are, right?”
Rainbow Dash bared her teeth. “No, I am not! Why does everyone think that?!”
Pinkie shrugged. “I dunno. Because you act like such a tomboy, I guess.”
“That’s a stereotype, Pinkie! And it’s very wrong of you to think that way and judge me!”
“But what about your rainbow coloring?” Pinkie whined.
“I was born with this coloring! It has nothing to do with that!”
“But, come on!” Pinkie leaned in again to whisper, “But you and Fluttershy are like, totally a thing, right? Right? You are, right?”
Rainbow Dash was taken aback. “Me and Fluttershy? What in Equestria makes you think that?”
“Hmm… All the artwork, I guess.” Pinkie’s face lit up. “Hey, I know! I’ll show you! Come on!”
Rainbow Dash wasn’t sure what Pinkie Pie was talking about, and she was even less sure she wanted to find out, but Pinkie didn’t give her much choice, since she got behind her and pushed her up the stairs, and into her room.
“See?” Pinkie waved to her wall, where dozens of papers had been stuck up in a disorderly manner. Pinkie beamed happily at the drawings. “Aren’t they beautiful?”
Shocked, Rainbow Dash could only gape. Her left eye twitched. Before her on the wall, was a collection of drawings of herself and Fluttershy, together. It was too much to take in all at once. It was sickening and disturbing, enough to make her want to throw up. And why in Equestria was there so much of it?
“Aheeeehhhheeeeee!” Shrieking, Rainbow Dash zipped out of the room and fled the bakery.
“Don’t worry, I fully support you! I think it’s amazingly awesome!” Pinkie bellowed. She stared after Rainbow Dash. “Huh. That’s weird. I thought she would have been more excited to see what all the little colts and fillies in the Rainbow Dash fan club drew… And that was just the PG stuff. I keep the really good stuff in this closet!” Grinning ear-to-ear, Pinkie hopped over to her closet and dragged a box out.
“What in Equestria was all that?! And why’s Pinkie just got it hanging in her room, where anyone can see it?!” Rainbow Dash asked as she dashed through the clouds. She shook her head to clear her thoughts. “This is just ridiculous! Me and Fluttershy aren’t even a thing!” She glanced about, a defensive, paranoid look on her face. “I’ll prove it!” she said, as if she thought someone was accusing her. “I’ll go visit Fluttershy right now!”
“Hey! Ooh! Hey, Rainbow Dash! Down here!”
“Huh?” Looking at the ground, Rainbow Dash saw Scootaloo, jumping and frantically waving to get her attention. It brightened Rainbow Dash’s mood a little to see the endearing little filly. Chuckling, she said, “Alright, alright, I’m coming. Better see what she wants.”
“What’s up, Scoots?” Rainbow Dash asked as she landed.
“Hey, I heard you were playing for the other team!”
“Ugh, not you too!” Rainbow Dash said, mortified by what was coming out of the filly’s mouth. “Wait a minute, how does a filly like you even know about that stuff?! Who told you I was playing for the other team?! Was it Pinkie?!”
“Um… I’m not sure what you mean, but Sweetie Belle told me, I guess. But the thing is, I wanted to play on the same team as you, so maybe we could—”
“I am not having this conversation with you!” Rainbow Dash rasped. “Go talk to your parents, or Twilight, or something!” With that, Rainbow Dash zipped away.
Scootaloo stared at the rainbow afterimage left behind. She tilted her head and scratched her temples. “Huh, I wonder what’s wrong with Rainbow Dash? Maybe she doesn’t like Hoofball anymore?”
Looking pained and sounding panicked, Rainbow Dash zoomed toward the edge of Ponyville. “Gotta get to Fluttershy, gotta clear this all up!” Going back to her original plan, she landed in front of Fluttershy’s cottage and knocked.
Rainbow Dash exhaled as she waited. “They’ll see. Nothing’s going on between me and Fluttershy. We’re just friends, and Pinkie’s just being ridiculous.”
The door flew open, startling Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy hopped out, and beamed upon seeing Rainbow Dash. “It’s you!” Giggling, Fluttershy pulled Rainbow Dash into a hug.
“Urgh…” Rainbow Dash blushed a little. This hug of warmth and affection was not helping her case here. But that was something friends did, right? Friends hugged each other, right? Totally. Though it was a rather long, suffocating embrace. “Hey, not so tight, Fluttershy! I can’t breathe!”
“Oh, sorry!” Fluttershy, still smiling, released Rainbow Dash.
“What was that about?” Rainbow Dash asked as she brushed herself off.
“Nothing. I just missed you.”
“I just saw you yesterday when I came over to get food for Tank!” Rainbow Dash shook her head and sighed. “Anyway, I just came over so we could hang out, you know, like friends do. Because we’re friends, right?”
“Of course! The closest of friends! Bosom buddies! Completely inseparable!” In a quieter voice, Fluttershy said, “Each incomplete without the other.”
Rainbow Dash, paling a little, took a step back. “What was that last part?”
“Inseparable?”
“Inseparable?” With a sheepish look, Rainbow Dash scratched her head. “I mean, we aren’t that close, right? We’ve got other friends that we hang out with, and we’re separated all the time.”
“Of course we’re inseparable! We’ve known each other since flight school.” Fluttershy invaded Rainbow Dash’s personal space to pat her on the back, and say, “And none of my other friends could ever replace you, because our friendship is really something special!”
“That’s… Um…” Fluttershy’s face was way too close to hers. Staring right into those beaming eyes and smile up close, Rainbow Dash felt hot and couldn’t think straight, and she thought she might be sweating. Giving a nervous smile, she muttered, “So glad you feel that way…”
“Alrighty. Why don’t you come on in? I just finished preparing some tea, so let’s enjoy it together!”
Thankfully, Fluttershy backed off and retreated into the cottage. After all the awkwardness, Rainbow Dash thought about running away. Plus, she’d already had a cup of tea at Pinkie’s, so…
Furious with herself, Rainbow Dash hit her hooves against her cheeks a few times. “No, no, no! I’m just overthinking this! There was totally nothing weird about that just now! We’re just friends! So I’m going to go in there, and then everyone will see that there is nothing going on between me and Fluttershy!”
Rainbow Dash hurried inside and sat at the table while she waited for Fluttershy to bring the tea. From the kitchen, she could hear Fluttershy humming a merry tune. Well, that seemed normal. But not for long. Once she brought the pot and some teacups out, Fluttershy kept grinning at Rainbow Dash and giggling.
Smiling nervously, Rainbow Dash asked, “What’s got you so excited? Is it some special kind of tea? Something new?”
Fluttershy laughed. “Oh no, it’s just chamomile. But I like it.” Beaming again, she said, “I’m just happy to get to spend some time with you. You’ve been so busy lately, helping everypony out.”
“I guess so…” Rainbow Dash took a sip of her tea. “Um, I didn’t want to say anything, but you’re acting kind of strange.”
“Am I?”
Laughing, Fluttershy rubbed her muzzle against Rainbow Dash’s. This properly freaked out Rainbow Dash.
“Ehhh?” Rainbow Dash wore a terrified look, but Fluttershy just went on beaming like nothing was wrong. Rainbow Dash had to take a few deep breaths to recompose herself. “Uh, but, isn’t it weird for you to get this excited to see me?”
“Oh, you’re so silly,” Fluttershy chided playfully. She hugged Rainbow Dash around the neck, and pressed her cheek against hers. “Why would it be weird for me to be excited to see you when we’re bosom buddies?”
This time, Rainbow Dash froze up. This was not at all what she had expected. She didn’t know what to do or say in this situation. She felt like running away, but Fluttershy had her trapped. Why in the world was Fluttershy acting so weird? Was it all really true? Did Fluttershy have special feelings for her? How was Rainbow Dash supposed to feel about that? The weight of it all was too much. Thoughts rushing, Rainbow Dash was turning bright red and burning up with a fever. It was all just misunderstandings! It had to be!
This was when Twilight showed up.
“Hey Fluttershy, having a tea party? Mind if I—” Entering the cottage and seeing Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash entangled in their hug, Twilight froze and stared, wide-eyed. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash stared back.
“Twilight!” Rainbow Dash cried out, extending a hoof towards her savior. “Thank goodness you’re here! Fluttershy’s acting totally—”
Narrowing her eyes and pouting her lips, Twilight donned a sour look and meted out a heart-rending glare that hit Rainbow Dash like a wall of bricks. It also hit her like a wall of bricks when Twilight cantered over and shoved her aside. Continuing to glare daggers at Rainbow Dash sprawled on the floor, Twilight put her hooves and wings around Fluttershy and hugged her. With a distressed look, Fluttershy raised a hoof and reached towards Rainbow Dash, but Twilight smacked it down, and she used her wing to block Fluttershy’s face from view. “So, what is it you two are doing here?” Twilight asked in an icy tone.
Feeling confused and a tad frightened, Rainbow Dash held her legs close to her chest and curled up on the ground. “Uh… Twilight? You alright?”
Still glaring daggers, Twilight replied, “Yes.” Looking to Fluttershy, Twilight asked, “Say, Fluttershy, remember all the times we teamed up with each other? There was that time where we fixed that feud. Then there was the time changelings tricked us into thinking our other friends were jerks, but us two stuck together. Good times, right? Our friendship’s really something special, huh?”
“Well, yes, I remember. But you know, I think my friendship with Rainbow Dash is pretty special too. I’ve had lots of experiences with her, and we’ve known each other since we were fillies.”
Twilight’s left eye twitched. “Oh, is that so? But she hasn’t always been nice to you, right? I’ve always been nice to you.”
“Well…”
“Uhhh… Alright, I think I’m going to go…” Though relieved to have been freed from Fluttershy’s grasp, Rainbow Dash was uncertain of what she’d stumbled onto, and a little freaked out by it all, particularly Twilight’s murderous gaze.
“Oh no! Don’t go yet!” Fluttershy, face flushed red, broke free from Twilight and threw herself at Rainbow Dash. Nearly sobbing as she rubbed her muzzle against Rainbow Dash’s neck, she said, “We’ve barely got to talk, and I’d miss you so much! Stay, pretty please?”
“Enough already with the hugging!” Rainbow Dash said, pressing her hoof against Fluttershy’s face to stop her. “What’s wrong with you today? You’re acting super weird!”
Twilight, jealous, broke up the affectionate display again, then rubbed her muzzle against Fluttershy’s.
“Back off! She’s mine!” Twilight hissed at Rainbow Dash.
“Ahh!” Rainbow Dash defensively threw her hooves over her face.
“Hey! That’s not very nice of you!” Fluttershy said in a scolding tone.
Tears dripped down Twilight’s eyes. “Don’t you like me too?” Twilight cried out, sobbing. “Did all our team-ups mean nothing to you?”
“Oh, I’m sorry… There, there, it’s alright, Twilight…” Fluttershy petted Twilight’s head and spoke soothing words, though she kept casting furtive looks at Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow Dash gaped a moment. “Alright, I’m out of here!”
With tears in her eyes, Rainbow Dash fled. She didn’t think her day could get any worse, but then it did. When Zephyr Breeze showed up.
With a sly look on his face, Zephyr flew up next to Rainbow Dash. “Hey, Rainbow Dash, heard some rumors about you. That you’re crazy about me. Of course, they’re not rumors since we both know it’s true.”
“What rumors?! What the hay are you even talking about?! And for the last time, I am not crazy about you!”
“You just can’t be honest with yourself, can you?” Zephyr said with a smug grin. “By the way, could you slow down? Going awfully fast, and I, uh, think I pulled my wing the other day…”
“Forget this! I am so not in the mood to deal with you right now!”
Rainbow Dash sped up, blasting away Zephyr Breeze with the gust she kicked up. After recovering from a spinout, Zephyr Breeze kept flying for a few seconds, but then he had to set down on a cloud to catch his breath. “Playing hard to get? That’s cool. We’ll catch up later.” he said, somehow managing to maintain his smug inflection in spite of his panting.
To hide from Zephyr Breeze, and all her troubles with Fluttershy and Twilight, Rainbow Dash popped into Rarity’s boutique. “Dumb Pinkie. This is all her fault, saying dumb things,” Rainbow Dash muttered as she headed toward Rarity, who was busily modeling a new gown on one of her mannequins.
Sobbing, Rainbow Dash cried out, “Rarity, you have to help me! Pinkie, and Fluttershy, and Twilight, and-and—”
Rarity cast a glance upon Rainbow Dash that was half scorn and half annoyance. “Darling, I just heard the most dreadful rumor about you…”
“Oh no... What is it this time? Don’t tell me it’s Pinkie’s nonsense again!”
“What I heard is that you’re just using Zephyr Breeze to get close to Fluttershy! You know he’s got strong feelings for you, but you’re only interested in his sister. Darling, it isn’t right to string a stallion along like that; you’ll break his heart!”
“But I wasn’t doing any of that!”
“Mm-hmmmm… I certainly hope not. You’ve got to be honest with Zephyr Breeze.”
“I am honest with him, like, all the time! It’s not my fault he can’t take a hint!”
“Hmm… I certainly hope that’s true.” Rarity sighed. “Well, darling, I can’t say I entirely approve of this ‘mare love’ thing, but, well, I always support my friends, so if you like Fluttershy, then I’ll support you however I can.”
“Ugh! How many times do I have to say it?! It’s not like that!” Rainbow Dash pursed her lips. “I mean, she was acting really weird today, being all giggly and stuff, but it’s not like… And anyway, you should have seen how angry Twilight was when she saw Fluttershy hugging me! She was acting all weird too, like she was jealous or something.”
“I know what you mean.” Spike popped out from behind a mannequin. Evidently, he’d been helping Rarity with some tasks at the boutique. “Lately, Fluttershy’s been all Twilight’s been talking about! Fluttershy this, Fluttershy that. ‘Spike, should I help out more woodland creatures? Would that make Fluttershy like me more? Spike, do you think Fluttershy’d like it if I wore flowers in my mane?’ It’s driving me crazy! I mean, who do you think has to weave those flowers into her mane if she goes with that look? Me, of course.”
“Oh dear… A love triangle, is it? This could get messy…”
“A love what?! No, that is not what this is!”
Ignoring her, Rarity muttered rapidly as she paced the room. “Oh no. These things can get ugly, and ponies can get caught in the middle. If we’re not careful, friendships could be destroyed, maybe all our friendships. I never expected something like this to happen. This is the worst possible thing!”
“You’re telling me!” said a panicked Rainbow Dash. “So what are we going to do about it?”
“Um… Hmm… Uh…” Rarity bit her lip.
“Maybe if… you just stop worrying about it, everything will work out fine?” suggested Spike. “Oh, wait, I know! We need a plan! And Twilight’s the best at making plans! She could— Er… Oh, wait…”
“Rrrrh! You two are no help!” Rainbow Dash ran out the exit to the boutique.
“Wait, darling! Noooo!” After letting out a dramatic scream, Rarity fainted.
Sweet Apple Acres came into view as Rainbow Dash was flying. Never had Rainbow Dash been so glad to see her friend Applejack. “Applejack’s so practical, she’ll know for sure what to do about all this craziness! And she’s kind of my last hope, so she’d better know what to do…”
But Rainbow Dash was met with the usual weirdness her friends had showed that day.
“Rainbow Dash!” Applejack exclaimed. “What in tarnation is all this I hear about you liking Fluttershy? I thought you liked Big Mac! He’s going to be awful upset…”
“Big Mac?! Eeew! How did you even get that idea?!” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Shhh! He’s right over there! You’ll hurt his feelings!” Applejack hissed.
Big Mac, teary-eyed, peeked out from behind an apple tree. “Nope…” he said, denying it and putting on a brave face.
“There, there, Big Mac,” Applejack said, patting her brother on the back. “Shoot, Dash. You know Big Mac’s awful shy. Doesn’t have much prospects… I was kind of counting on you there…”
Pinkie Pie popped up out of nowhere, startling everyone. Giddy with joy, she said, “Well of course she doesn’t like Big Mac, silly! She likes Fluttershy, right? Right?”
“Pinkie Pie!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
“That’s my name, don’t wear it out!” Pinkie grinned. “And Rainbow Dash here isn’t into stallions, because she’s got a crush on Fluttershy. Making those rainbow stripes proud, aren’t you!”
“Uh huh…” Applejack raised an eyebrow. “That’s what I heard too.”
Indignant, Rainbow Dash cried out, “Alright, I don’t know who started these rumors about me and Fluttershy, but they’re not true! I don’t like Fluttershy like that! This whole thing is ridiculous!”
Applejack raised an eyebrow. “So you do like stallions?”
“No!”
“Then you like mares?”
“Urgh! No! I don’t like anypony!” Rainbow Dash searched for an excuse. “Look, I’m just too awesome to be in a relationship! Ponies as cool as me have to fly solo, otherwise we’d get slowed down. So that’s why I’m not interested in romance, like, at all!”
“No offense, Dash, but it sounds like you need to get off your high horse and admit to your true feelings. It’s fine if you like mares, or stallions, or maybe both, but don’t shove your feelings down and let your highfalutin and grandstanding get in the way. It ain’t healthy.”
Nearly sobbing, Rainbow Dash said, “But that is how I really feel!”
“Tarnation!” Applejack spat. “There ain’t anypony you like? Fluttershy or Zephyr Breeze or somepony else?”
“Well…” Rainbow Dash tapped her hooves together. Tears welled up in her eyes. “I don’t know, alright? I don’t know!”
“Shoot, hun.” Smiling, Applejack put a hoof around Rainbow Dash’s shoulders. “That’s alright too, so don’t fret.”
“Really? It is?”
“Sure. You just take your time figuring it out. Ain’t no need to rush it.”
“That’s… so great…” Rainbow Dash perked up. “Yeah, I’m going to do that! And also, I’m not going to worry about rumors or what anypony else thinks!”
“Ahhh…” Pinkie seemed disappointed for a moment. “But I’m still rooting for you and Fluttershy.”
“Pinkie, I’m pretty sure Twilight likes Fluttershy, so…” Rainbow Dash said.
Pinkie gaped. “Oh, wow! Fluttershy and Twilight would be awesome too! But now things are really complicated… Huh, I wonder who Fluttershy likes?”
“Uhhhh… Maybe you should go ask her. Bye! Gotta go think about stuff!” Rainbow Dash zipped away, back towards home.