Come! Drink of my bounty!
It was looking to be another fine day in Equestria. The morning sun climbed lazily into the sky, warming the air to a pleasantly balmy temperature, without a single cloud to mar the pristine blue expanse. A sparse, light breeze rustled the trees, occasionally blowing away the mirage of sweltering, shimmering heat above the roads. It was the perfect day for something catastrophic and terrible to happen... perhaps yet another Friendship-hating tyrant that Princess Celestia had forgotten to mention she had banished hundreds of years ago and had only just remembered their existence?
...No. What happened that fine, beautiful day was truthfully par for the course for weird occurrences.
A mile or so outside of the sleepy town of Ponyville, a portal opened up about thirty feet in the air. It rippled for a moment before spitting out a strange character, who flailed helplessly until it went splat on the ground. As it picked itself up into a kneeling position while cradling its head in its hands, the portal rippled once more and vanished as quickly as it had appeared.
Slowly, the strange character stood up. Only a rare few citizens would be able to identify it as a human, if they could get past the fact that this human was over seven feet tall and had no facial features whatsoever. Instead, the human was covered head to toe in a spandex bodysuit that perfectly accentuated his massive, muscular physique - with no panty lines to be seen. His head, his right arm and the right side of his chest all the way down to his hip was white, while the rest of his body was azure blue, the colors separated at a diagonal. In the center of his chest was an emblem - a circle with a red top half and the same azure bottom half, the halves separated by a white squiggly line. And around his neck was a short necklace of thick, shiny chrome chain.
The strange human turned his head from left to right, probably to take in his new surroundings, but one couldn't be too sure what he was doing since he didn't have any eyes. After a few moments he reached into a pocket on his bodysuit, and somehow, a can of Pepsi appeared in his hand. He opened it up and drained its contents in a few gulps, then crushed the can in his fist and put it back in his pocket, the mass seemingly disappearing into nothing as to not ruin his sleek aesthetic.
Then he began to run.
~
"Sooo... lemme get this straight," Rainbow Dash drawled. "That's a human? From that parallel Equestria you've been to a few times?"
"Not just any human," Twilight Sparkle responded. She and Rainbow were hovering high over Ponyville, watching the strange blue and white human running from place to place, effortlessly leaping over or sliding beneath various obstacles. "Over there, he's what the humans call a superhero. Of course it's nothing compared to our magic or other abilities, but he can do things no other human can."
"Riiiiight... so far, all he's done is get himself hurt over and over," Rainbow frowned as the human ran face-first into a carriage door that had just been opened in front of him. He fell onto his butt and rubbed his face for a few moments before getting back up and running away. "The parkour is pretty awesome, though."
"He is... quite clumsy, I'll give you that," Twilight's lips thinned. The two friends continued to watch in silence until the human had made his way to Rarity's Carousel Boutique, when he abruptly stopped in his tracks. "Oh?"
Rarity was standing at the threshold of her boutique, waving goodbye to a pair of unicorns that held a nice collection of shopping bags in their magical grip. Just as soon as any of them had turned their attention to the strange human, he reached his hands into the opposite pockets and withdrew them in less than a second, revealing his fists were full of Pepsi-labeled soda cans.
"Er, can I hel-"
Rarity didn't get the chance to finish her sentence as the man suddenly began hurling the cans at near mach-speeds at the three unicorns. While the three of them managed to catch some of the cans in their magic, many others went wide or bounced off their shields, denting, spraying and splattering Pepsi all over the place. Cans of Pepsi flew through the boutique's windows and exploded, making everything brown and sticky inside. Some cans even made their way to ponies passing by far beyond the boutique; while the lone pegasus caught it without much difficulty, the poor Earth ponies got beaned right in the face. Once they all realized what was happening, however, the two unicorn shoppers and all the other ponies in the vicinity ran for their lives.
"You menace!" Rarity screeched as the bombardment came to an end. "What in Tartarus do you think you're doing?!" No sooner did the word "think" leave her mouth that the man's head turned to face her. Rarity quickly screwed her mouth shut as the man suddenly held out one of his hands, palm facing her. Before anypony could intervene, a mouth hole appeared on his face and unleashed an unholy hissing noise, and dark brown liquid rocketed out of his palm like a fire hose and directly into Rarity's shrieking mouth. The force of the blast sent her flying, tumbling through the air and getting Pepsi all over herself.
Rainbow and Twilight gasped as the spraying ceased. Carousel Boutique and Rarity alike were dripping with Pepsi. Apparently satisfied with the damage he'd wrought, Pepsiman spun around on his heel and took off running... or he would have, if he didn't immediately trip into a group of garbage cans. He disappeared momentarily as he stumbled into the trash, reappearing a few seconds later with an upturned garbage can covering his head and most of his body, then toddled drunkenly away as fast as he could.
"Rarity! Are you alright?!" Twilight yelled as she and Rainbow landed beside her. Rarity's makeup was completely ruined, and as she helped her up off the ground Twilight couldn't help but make a face as she realized she was all sticky.
"I... I...!" Rarity shivered with rage. "What... in the fuck... was THAT all about?!" Twilight gasped in shock, never having heard Rarity being so angry she swore before.
"Twilight said he's some kind of superhero." Rainbow couldn't help but snicker at the sight of her.
"A superhero...?! A superhero?!" Steam was wafting off of Rarity's furious head, making the Pepsi dry out into a thin layer of sugary crust.
"What was that stuff he shot at you?" Twilight asked. "It's not acid or something, right?"
"What? Oh, no..." Rarity sighed heavily, then smacked her lips. "...It tastes like some kind of sugary water with a cola flavor I can't quite describe... actually, it's not half-bad."
"I wonder what made him stop here and want to assault everypony with Pepsi," Rainbow asked as she bent down and picked up one of the intact Pepsi cans. She cracked it open and took a sip. "Mmm... hey, that's pretty good! Maybe he's here to give everypony a sample!"
"Well! He doesn't have to be such a brute about it!" Rarity huffed. "Whatever happened to simply hoofing somepony a sample?!"
"I think we'd better follow him," said Twilight. "Maybe we can stop him if he decides to throw samples to everypony again... the townsponies here complain to me about who's paying for the collateral damage bill too much as it is."
~
Pepsiman eventually managed to get the garbage can off of his head, and once again he was running full speed through the streets. After getting most of the Pepsi off of herself, Rarity joined Twilight and Rainbow as they ran after him.
While they were impressed by his unfailing stamina and the speed at which he continuously ran, they were more impressed at his ability to shrug off injuries. Pepsiman couldn't go more than a hundred yards without tripping over a curb, or getting hit by a passing wagon, or falling down an open manhole into the sewers, or running into glass doors. At one point he even ran face first into a steel girder a stallion was holding and swinging around into position, but after spending a few moments rubbing his head he got up and just kept going. More than once he even dove through open windows and ran straight through random ponies' houses, eliciting many a screamed obscenity. Twilight learned several new words today.
Finally, he had made his way to Sugar Cube Corner. Amongst other ponies, Pinkie Pie was outside installing a brand-new vending machine by the door. "Phew!" she sighed as she wiped her brow, and Pepsiman skidded to a stop.
"Oh no... Pinkie!" Twilight cried out in concern, but it was too late - Pinkie had already noticed Pepsiman's arrival.
"Ooh... a new friend! Hiya, mister, I'm Pinkie Pie!" she grinned widely. Rather than speaking, Pepsiman held out his hand and aimed his palm directly at Pinkie's face.
"Darling, look out!" Rarity shouted. But Pepsiman opened his mouth and made a fizzing noise again, and Pepsi blasted out of his open palm.
"Oh boy!" Pinkie beamed as she unhinged her jaw like a snake and swallowed the blast in one gulp. Pepsiman seemed to nod in appreciation before turning to the vending machine, not bothering with Bits but pressing a button nonetheless. A can of Pepsi rumbled down the chute and into the opening, a grand feat considering the vending machine sold only water and fruit/vegetable juices. Pepsiman picked up the can, cracked it open and drank it down, tossing the empty can in the recycling bin before setting off again. Strangely, the vending machine began to play music, presumably Pepsiman's theme song, as he ran further and further away.
Meanwhile, Twilight and the others stared incredulously at Pinkie and her bloated tummy. "Uh... you alright, Pinkie?" asked Rainbow.
"Pepsi for TV-Game!" she replied, right before letting loose an earth-shaking belch. Her friends stared at her in confusion, which at this point in their relationships was a rare occurrence. "...'Scuse me."
"Well... at least you're unharmed, darling... and not sticky," sighed Rarity.
"Now where's he going?" Rainbow groaned as off in the distance, Pepsiman tried to leap over a mailbox and failed spectacularly.
"Er... Sweet Apple Acres is in that general direction," Twilight gulped.
~
Now with Pinkie in tow, Twilight and her friends chased after Pepsiman, fearing what the clumsy "superhero" would do next. After tripping over tumbleweeds, getting run over by a group of stampeding Buffalo tourists and stepping on a rake and smacking himself in the face with its handle, he finally made his way to Sweet Apple Acres.
Applejack was hard at work just outside of the family's barn. She was busy bucking the apples out of her orchard's trees, causing them to land in buckets for Applebloom to carry over to a cider press, operated by Big Mac. At the end of the machine was dear old Granny Smith, checking to ensure the quality of the cider being produced. She barely even flinched as Pepsiman skidded to a halt in front of the cider machine, turning to greet what she assumed to be an early customer.
"Why, hello there! What a strapping young... er... thing you are!" Granny Smith smiled awkwardly. Fear grew on her face as Pepsiman slowly turned his head to gaze upon the hard-working ponies, held out his palm and opened his mouth hole.
"Pepsiman, no!" Twilight cried out as Rainbow swooped down from the sky, but it was too late. As Pepsiman hissed, another blast of pure Pepsi erupted from his palm, vast enough that it swamped Applejack, Applebloom, Big Mac and even covered the nearby apple trees. The ponies blurbled and shrieked as they were swept away by the tide of Pepsi, only freed once Rainbow finally managed to ram into Pepsiman. He somersaulted ass over teakettle into the air and over the barn, chickens squawking loudly upon his sudden arrival.
"What in Tartarus...?!" Granny Smith spat. As the tide receded, everypony gasped in horror. Everything was now Pepsi. The cider being produced by the machine? Replaced with Pepsi. The already-corked casks stacked neatly beside the barn? They had been transformed into giant cans of Pepsi. The cider machine itself? Pepsi labels had been inexplicably slapped all over it. The apples in the buckets? Cans of Pepsi. The apples in the trees? Also cans of Pepsi. The apples being crushed in the ~~cider~~ Pepsi machine? Crushed cans of Pepsi.
"Wow! I should hire him to provide the drinks for my next party!" whistled Pinkie.
"That monster... he must be stopped!" Rainbow howled.
"Truly! I simply cannot believe how terrifying a single human can be!" Rarity agreed. "He could have drowned the entire Apple family just now!"
"Forget about that!" Rainbow glowered sullenly, kicking one of the giant Pepsi cans. "All of AJ's cider is Pepsi now! How am I supposed to get drunk off of this?!"
"What the fuck happened to mah orchard?!" Applejack roared as she came running back alongside Applebloom and Big Mac, all soaked head to hoof in Pepsi.
"Where's that giant blue an' white monkey?!" Applebloom snarled.
"Ah have half a mind to tear him a new plothole, turnin' all mah apples into fuckin' corn syrup soda!"
"Applejack!" Granny Smith hissed. "Language, young lady!"
"Ah think it's warranted, ah don't much appreciate bein' hosed down with soda neither," Big Mac commented. Suddenly, Fluttershy screamed in the distance, accompanied by another loud hiss. More Pepsi blasted out from behind the barn.
"Ah, no! Flutters was givin' the chickens their annual checkup today!" Applejack screamed, her Pepsi-slicked face turning white. Everypony scrambled to the chicken coop behind the barn, terrified at what might be discovered. What fate had befallen poor Fluttershy and the chickens?!
They turned the corner, and saw... Pepsiman gently patting Fluttershy on the head, an open can of Pepsi in the crook of her hoof. The water troughs in the chicken coop had been filled with Pepsi, though. The chickens curiously pecked at the bubbling liquid, clucking and cawing in confusion.
"Fluttershy?" Twilight breathed. Before anypony could stop him, Pepsiman finished patting her and took off running yet again, accidentally stepping on an egg on his way out of the coop. Suddenly all of the chickens swiveled their heads towards him, their eyes glowing a frightful red. Everypony was deafened as the chickens began to squawk and squabble loudly, their wings beating furiously as they hurled themselves at Pepsiman in anger. He had no choice but to run even faster as the chickens chased him out of Sweet Apple Acres.
"Are you alright, darling? That brute didn't harm you, did he?!" asked Rarity.
"No, no... I'm okay," said Fluttershy. "It was strange... he made all of that brown water appear, but when I opened my eyes all he had done was give me this," she replied as she held up her can of Pepsi. "Um... it's tasty."
"Well... I guess that's not so bad," Twilight sighed.
"Oh, but... um, Applejack? Are you okay? I heard lots of yelling just before that strange creature fell out of the sky..."
"First that soda-swillin' monster turned all mah apples and cider into Pepsi... now he's givin' mah chickens the diabeetus?!" Applejack seethed, her eye twitching. "AH WILL NOT STAND FER THIS!"
"He must be stopped before he does any more damage!" Granny Smith cried.
"Eeyup," Big Mac commented.
"C'mon!" Rainbow yelled impatiently before zooming away. The others followed close behind, although Applebloom took a moment to grab a pitchfork before joining in the pursuit.
"Cutie Mark Crusaders Angry Pitchfork Mob, yay!"
"Applebloom, darlin', you've had yer Cutie Mark fer years, now," Granny Smith shook her head, unable to follow the others quickly on account of being an old mare.
"Ah know... just fer old time's sake."
~
By now the entire town was in a hysterical frenzy. Everypony had heard through word of mouth about this hissing, liquid-spewing demon from Tartarus itself. So when Pepsiman made his way to the very center of Ponyville, he tripped on yet another manhole cover and skidded to a halt. But he was slow to get up this time, as he sensed that a large crowd had gathered, and became quickly surrounded by very annoyed ponies.
"That is enough!" Twilight shouted as she and her friends stepped forward. "We don't want to hurt you, but the damage you're causing cannot be ignored!"
"I dunno what your deal is, but you gotta cut it out, or else!" Rainbow added. As everypony watched warily, Pepsiman straightened himself up, his head swiveling around rapidly before facing forward. Suddenly he squeezed both of his fists, pumped up his chest, and with a mighty pelvic thrust and an especially loud hiss, a torrent of dark brown, fizzy liquid came shooting from his crotch like a geyser, pooling into the streets.
"...Whut," Applejack grimaced.
"Oh, that's just indecent!" Rarity cringed, horrified as she looked away. Twilight and her friends could only gawk as the townsponies began backing away from the steadily-growing pool, cries of "ew" and "what the fuck" mingling with shrieks of terror and a plainly-stated "you should really get that checked out".
But suddenly, a stallion with a lemon-yellow coat, white mane and a Cutie Mark composed of many droplets came rushing through the crowds, shoving ponies out of the way in his haste. "This is everything I ever wanted!" he shouted in glee as he dove headfirst into the brown pool, his momentum sending him skidding until his face came to a stop directly under the end of the stream.
The townsponies shrieked in panic and outright disgust yet again. The stallion's giddy expression soon fell as he took a big gulp of the liquid.
"...Wait a minute..." he grumbled in disappointment.
A filly Twilight vaguely recognized as one of Applebloom's classmates tugged at her mother's saddlebags. "What's that stallion doing, mommy?" she asked. Instead of an answer, however, the mare beside her wordlessly dragged the filly close and shielded her eyes from the sight.
A colt on the other side of the crowd tugged on his mother's saddlebags. "Mommy, is that stallion doing what you and Daddy like to do when I'm supposed to be asleep?"
"Shut up, Golden Shower," Twilight heard the mare hiss under her breath as she leaned away from the colt, her face reddening as the surrounding ponies began to scowl or leer at her.
Meanwhile, completely ignoring the would-be public pee drinker and the other fetishists around, Pepsiman reached into his pockets and produced some red plastic cups. He dunked each of them into the stream and handed them out to the closest ponies. Naturally, they screamed and ran away as soon as it was offered to them, but having a suspicion Rainbow swooped down and grabbed one of the cups for herself.
Then, in full view of everypony, she drank it down, finishing with a lip smack of satisfaction and a small burp.
"Aah... yep, it's just more Pepsi... I guess that's all this guy is capable of doing."
"Woohoo! Pepsi party!" Pinkie leapt into the pool wearing an inflatable donut. The splash she created sent Pepsi flying through the air and into the mouths of the stunned townsfolk, whose screams of horror quickly melted away into sweet realization.
"Hey... that's actually pretty good!"
"Well, I guess I would drink a glass or two of that."
And before they knew it, the whole of Ponyville decided to throw an impromptu festival, celebrating the coming of their new soft drink overlord. While everypony reveled, Twilight, Rarity and Applejack just stared dumbfounded at the idiocy unfolding before their eyes, and Fluttershy calmly sipped from her can of Pepsi. One pony even begged Applejack to reverse-engineer the Pepsi to figure out how to make it, and produce that instead of cider, which earned him a swift kick through Mayor Mare's office window.
Alas, Pepsiman couldn't stay... his work here was done. The ponies had now found the joy of Pepsi, and there were countless others he had to help.
So while nopony was watching, he slipped through the crowds and began to run...
...only to be hit by a carriage bringing pizzas to the PepsiFest. He flew through the air into a pyramid of stacked, giant Pepsi cans, which tumbled onto the ground and began to roll towards him. He only just barely recovered when he realized he was about to be crushed by his own product, and he scrambled off into the sunset as the giant Pepsi cans chased him out of town.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...And then everypony got the 'beetus and died.
The end.
Author's Note
I apologize for this exceedingly stupid idea.
