Life's Sick Joke

by BiniBean

Rating: teen
Tags: Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 1608

The Head Librarian and her assistant find a marriage certificate that could change the Equestrian Government forever.

The Head Librarian and her assistant find a marriage certificate that could change the Equestrian Government forever. And it is certainly not in a good way.

Published 2021-04-25 01:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-04-25 01:10:00 UTC

Is it a sick joke?

"No. Just no."

Chocolate Shadow gave her boss, who also happened to be her friend...But still, her boss raised an eyebrow as she shoved the scroll into her boss's saddlebag despite the glare she was getting. She ignored her boss, Bini Filters, the head librarian of the Canterlot Royal Library as she complained about her assistants.

Chocolate interrupted her as she placed her hoof on Bini's chest, making the librarian stop and look back at her.

"The Equestrian government has a right to know."

Bini gave her a slow blink before dissolving in a mad giggling fit on the floor. She managed to calm down after a few minutes. She shook her head as she got off the floor and used her unicorn magic to pull out the scroll from her bag. It was barely held together but the information it contained could wreck Equestria.

"We don't even know that it is authentic." Bini finally said as her eyes narrowed when she reread the scroll. "Princess Celestia would never do something so...so...stupid."

"It wasn't stupid. It was young love. I did the calculations with Arone's help and Celestia should have been about twenty-five years old if her birth date is right to have allowed...That to happen."

"Young love is stupid. Everything about young love is stupid." Bini mumbled under her breath.

"You have abandonment issues, you just don't get it!" Chocolate snapped back. Bini scoffed and rolled up the scroll once again, floating it over to Chocolate. "You have never even felt love."

"Because it is stupid. Geez, I thought you knew me better than this." Bini complained as Chocolate used her hoof to push the scroll away.

"You have to show the Princess! Or at least Princess Luna!"

"And what if they confirm what the scroll says? Do you realize what would happen then? Equestria would have to acknowledge that...she...that Princess Celestia..." Bini paused as she gagged on reflex, seemingly on the verge of vomiting. Chocolate tapped her hoof against the clean marble floor of the Library in impatience.

"Just spit it out already. It might make you feel better to say it."

"That...she...Is married to Discord." Bini gagged again and looked down at the floor in shame. "There is no way I bring that up during Solar Court. How the heck does something like that happen anyway?"

Chocolate opened her mouth to respond but Bini quickly covered it with her hoof.

"If you say young love one more time, I swear to the sun I will-"

"Bini, Chocolate?"

The pair turned to see a unicorn stallion opening the double glass doors of the Library with a weak smile. The unicorn stallion was named Arone, he was a disguised changeling that worked for Princess Celestia as her personal assistant.

"Yeah, Arone? What can we do for you?" Bini asked. Arone looked down at the clipboard hovering in his magic, then back to his friends.

"Actually it's what I can do to help you. Princess Celestia is currently waiting for you, Bini. Chocolate told me you had big news to share about an hour ago and needed attendance? Can I know what it is? I need to announce the issue before I present you before the Princess in Solar Co-"

"YOU BACKSTABBING LITTLE EARTH PONY!"

Bini tackled Chocolate to the ground and slammed her back into the floor with a hostile growl of pure rage.

"Um...Bini..." Arone said slowly as he entered the room, becoming very concerned for Chocolate.

"HOW DARE YOU GO BEHIND MY BACK! I TOLD YOU NOT TO BRING IT UP! IT WILL RUIN THE GOVERNMENT! THE HIERARCHY IS SCREWED NOW! EQUESTRIA IS SCREWED BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T STOP YOURSELF FROM LOOKING THROUGH THE OLD LAWS AND STUPID SCROLLS OF GOVERNMENT NONSENSE AND HERE WE ARE! DEAD! WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! LIFE MUST BE PLAYING SOME SICK JOKE BECAUSE THIS IS THE END OF SOCIETY AS WE KNOW IT-"

"WILL YOU GET OFF ME YOU CRAZY MARE!" Chocolate shouted back as she used her Earth pony strength to kick Bini in the stomach, making her yelp in pain, and stumbled away with a groan. Chocolate stood up and marched towards Arone.

"Tell the Princess that we found her secret and that we will be there momentarily. Bini can't get out of this now." Chocolate barked. Arone nodded with a nervous, almost scared, strained smile, then quickly galloped away.

A few minutes later Arone nervously stepped into the throne room. Princess Celestia was sending another dissatisfied Nobel away. She smiled from her throne and nodded in respect to Arone.

"Hello, Arone. I assume Bini Filters is ready."

Arone gulped and nodded.

"Y-Yes. As you know I would usually tell you the case before they trot in but...I can't...I don't know what the problem is."

"She didn't tell you?" Celestia asked with concern. "That is very strange..."

"All I know is that it has something to do with the government falling and Chocolate told me to tell you that...I quote..." Arone cleared his throat to prepare to imitate Chocolate's voice. "Tell the Princess that we found her secret and that we will be there momentarily."

Celestia's eyes narrowed in worry and curiosity. What could they possibly know? Millions of ideas of potential secrets about her and the government went through her mind as she gestured towards the throne room doors with her wing. Luna suddenly teleported beside her sister with a big grin.

"Luna?!" Celestia said in surprise. Making Arone paused before he opened the door. "What the hay are you doing here?"

"Bini Filters requested her presence here in a letter. She said I wouldn't want to miss this." Luna chirped as the doors opened to let Bini Filters, clearly enraged marching into the throne room, followed by Chocolate Shadow who looked worried.

"I didn't send that letter, Princess Luna." Bini snapped before taking a moment to glare at Chocolate. "We can thank our assistant for that lovely backstabbing mail. If only Rocky Snow was here..."

"Hey, where is Rocky anyway? He never misses work." Chocolate asked.

"He hurt his wings. Some sort of extreme sport yesterday. I don't know. I had bigger problems to worry about at the time which you have made much, much, much worse." Bini said.

Celestia flexed her wings in impatience.

"Miss. Filters. As lovely as it is to see you, I understand from what Arone has told me that you have something very important to tell me."

"Um...Y-Yeah." Bini said slowly as she pulled out a scroll from her saddlebag and floated it over to the Princesses.

"We were looking through old scrolls in the Canterlot Archive, trying to organize them and such when...Well...when we saw this scroll. It is a marriage certificate of you and D-"

"YOU MARRIED DISCORD!" Luna yelled with her eyes bulging towards the scroll held in Celestia's magic. Luna grabbed the scroll with her own magic and looked at it very carefully as Celestia blushed and looked towards the sun in the middle of the sky. "No. No. No. No. No. This can't be real. It is real...But...No. No. No. No. No. No-"

"Luna, this isn't as bad as you are making it seem..."

"DON'T TELL ME THAT! THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING! DO YOU HEAR ME, TIA!? EVERYTHING! WHEN THE HAY-...Twenty...Five..."

Celestia cringed and looked to the wall at the back of the throne room. "Oh, dear."

"YOU MARRIED HIM AT TWENTY-FIVE! A YEAR AFTER WE TOOK THE THRONE! WHAT THE ACTUAL HAY IS WRONG WITH YOU!?" Luna yelled as she flew down to the floor in front of the throne to pace. The two guards standing at the base of the throne were doing their best to keep the fear off their faces but they knew what it meant.

Everypony did.

Discord was a Prince. By law, he was now an official ruler of Equestria. Luna was on the verge of hyperventilating when a banner appeared over Celestia, who was still blushing, with the words

"Our secrets out!"

Confetti went everywhere as Discord appeared with a giant smile, he wrapped himself around the throne like a snake and clapped in excitement.

"Isn't this wonderful, Tia! Our secrets out! Really I thought it would take them much longer to-"

A blast of blue magic hurled towards Discord from Luna, who looked ready to murder him on the spot from the base of the throne. Celestia quickly put up a shield around them and stood up in alarm. Discord, as happy as ever, let out a laugh of joy at seeing Luna so angry.

"Are you jealous, Luna? Knowing your sister got laid bef-"

"SHUT UP!" Luna yelled in her royal Canterlot voice. "I WILL KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND!"

"Technically, I am floating-"

"Dizzy, don't provoke her." Celestia warned with the shake of her head. "She needs time to process this."

"Well, then we should have told her two thousand years ago!" Discord argued. Celestia sighed in annoyance at her husband.

"You know why we couldn't do that! Do you want me to lecture you again because believe me I will!"

Discord dramatically pressed his hand against his forehead as if he was about to faint.

"Oh, spare me! Y-"

Discord dodged another blast from Luna and looked down at her with an annoyed expression.

"Excuse me, Moonbutt." Discord snapped. Getting Bini, Arone, and Chocolate who had moved to the side of the throne room to giggle like school fillies and colts. "We are trying to have a conversation here!"

Luna gritted her teeth as she fired up her horn again.

"You are dead." She growled.

---The End---