Dear Miss Hardcase,
I would like to begin by reiterating my admiration for your work in teaching Flurry Heart and the other young fillies and colts at the Imperial Crystalline School for Youngsters, and express how much I value the school’s attempts to provide the youth with a full and broad knowledge of the various professions and roles that exist in the working world. The ‘What Does Your Mother Do’ event is obviously very important and, as a Princess of the Crystal Empire, I appreciate how important it is for young ponies everywhere to have an understanding of what it is that being a Princess means. Moreover, I want to make it clear that I take every chance to offer a strong example to my daughter, and participating in the ‘What Does Your Mother Do’ activity, where students request a description from their parent of what it is they do and why it is important is an opportunity to me to show both Flurry Heart and the other youngsters a positive image of leadership and encourage them to seek out leadership roles in the future.
It is the topic of this activity that I wish to discuss in this letter. I apologise that I have been unable to complete the task due to events out of my control. I hope that you can forgive me for being unable to fulfil such a simple, some would say infantile, task for a school activity for six-year-olds.
I imagine you understand the responsibilities of being a Princess weigh heavily on me and keep me very
Oh who am I kidding. I ran out of time, so I wrote this.
I’m a failure.
I have no fucking idea what to write. I’ve been up until three in the morning trying to figure out what to put in here and I’m drawing a blank. The only thing I’m good for writing is pithy excuses and apologies. It’s all I do.
My daughter asks me to do one thing and I can’t fucking do it.
Fuck.
You must think I’m pathetic. I am.
I meant to do it, you see. I had a schedule planned out. I was going to get to writing it after the Gala last week, but long story short, Auntie Tia has a very expansive wine cellar and I got a bit carried away.
The headache lasted days. Do you have any idea what that feels like?
Probably not. You’re probably a responsible mare. You probably don’t get drunk on the job.
The truth is I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. I never expected to become a Princess. I sort of just thought that I’d bring the Crystal Empire back and then somepony would install democracy like a sensible pony. I’ve never taken lessons on ruling. You think Tia prepared me for this? Why do you think she’s spent so much effort making sure Twilight turns out all right? Because she doesn’t want another failure like me.
Sorry if this letter is stained by the way; Shining just brought me another glass of wine and I’m starting to get a bit clumsy.
I wrote three different drafts of what it means to be a Princess. I had so many good ideas. I was going to write about how I want to inspire ponies and inspire my daughter. I was going to write about responsibility and stuff. I was going to writ about
I was going to write abot
Shit
I was going to write about how the future of Equestria is important to me. Or something.
But I have no idea what I’m doing. I just sit on a chair and try as hard as I can to not look like an idiot. Policy? Infrastructure? Fuck me I just make horses kiss I don’t know what those words mean
and I’m supposed to raise Flurry to be like me? Thank Tia she takes after her father. But no that would be too easy she has to be born a fucking alicorn
Do you have any idea how insane it is for Flurry to be born an alicorn? I wasn’t prepared for that. That’s not supposed to happen. It’s against the law. You’re supposed to be made an alicorn by cosmic farts not just pop out of the oven freshly winged and horned up!
What the hay am I supposed to do about that? File the horn down? I can’t raise an alicorn. I don’t even know how those work!
The truth is I don’t know why I’m an alicorn
We pretended that it was because I discovered the magic of ~~lvoe~~ love or something because I can make ponies want to have sex but if you think about it I couldn't cast that spell when I was a pegasus so I have no idea why this happened. I didn't even have a boyfriend when I became an alicorn
I’m a fraud. I used to be a pegasus. I can barely cast spells. Shining casts most of them for me and I just make my horn glow because all I can do is make horses kiss
Why is all I can do make horses kiss?!
That’s right. When the Crystal Empire came back I wasn’t the one protecting it
It was shining. Of course it was. He’s the one that knows how fucking protection spells work. I just had the flu
Colic
whatever it is.
I’m just one big
Shit
I’m just one big accident. All I wanted was to be happy with my sexy unicorn boyfriend and then I got this horn and everything spiralled out of control. I didn’t even want foals! Shining got his protection spell mixed up. He had it set to block spam, not sperm! Sure he can cast spells like there's no tomorrow and hot shit does he got stamina but the dumb lug can't spell to save his life
Fuck
I don’t know how to be an inspiration to my daughter. I don’t even know what alicorn puberty looks like. She shot lasers out of her eyes when she was one year old. One! like what even am I supposed to do? The baby store doesn’t sell protective shielding with their cradles. I had to have those imported from the dragon lands and that was only after I found out the dragonlands existed. Nobody told me there were other countries when I took the job! They just expected me to already know this shit
Oh fuck it’s four in the morning
I could have just made something up in the time it took to write this
Just another mistake for the pile
anyway
Thank you for your understanding in this matter. I would greatly appreciate it if you could pretend there was literally anything remotely of value in this letter so Flurry doesn’t know I’m an abject failure.
Please give her a good grade. I'm sorry I'm your ruler.
Sincerely,
Her Royal Majesty and Ruler of the Crystal Empire
Princess Mi Amore Cadenza
fuckup
Author's Note
ha ha contest deadline go brrrrrr
