Outspoken

by ShiningBeacon

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Cadance, Comedy, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Drama
Length: 3670

Twilight has a few things to say to Cadance before she marries her Brother. Namely, that she's terrible

Twilight has a few things to say to Cadance before she marries Shining Armor. Namely, that she's terrible.

Written for the Cadance is a Terrible Mom 2021 competition .

Published 2021-04-25 15:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-04-25 15:10:01 UTC

Under the Wire

The Great Bells of Canterlot had served many purposes over the years. Usually, they rang out whenever there was an important announcement from the Princess, to alert all citizens to stop and pay heed to their liege. In recent times, they had turned to their more traditional use, that of a warning of danger to all within earshot. There was a third, rarely used purpose for them, however; specifically, to commemorate the marriage of a member of royalty, and it was to this purpose that the bell did not just ring, but sang in tune with the hearts of all the little ponies of Equestria on this glorious day.

High about the city, as many ponies as could fit had packed themselves into the throne room to witness this once-in-a-lifetime event. For a precious few who were invited by name, seating had been placed at the front of the room to allow them to take part in the most important day of their friend’s and family’s life. Of particular note, the parents of the Groom sat in the very first row, dressed in their very finest clothes, with were now being soiled with tears as their son took his place at the altar.

After The groom and his best stallions took the stage, everyone watched breathlessly as Princess Celestia herself came out from behind the throne to head the ceremony. Then, the Bride entered in all her beauty and splendor, and for once out of a very few occasions, Celestia herself was not the pony that drew every eye in the room. Cadance looked every bit the princess she was as she walked down the aisle towards her beloved. As took the stage, the two lovers exchanged nervous smiles as Celestia unfurled her wings, once again reclaiming everyone's attention.

“Welcome, My Little Ponies! Today we are gathered together, to witness the joining in holy matrimony Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, And Captain Shining Armor.” She nodded to each one respectively. “Before we began, I’d like to say a few words about the character of these two. She turned back to the crowd of guests and onlookers. “To start with, Captain Shining Armor has been a faithful member of my personal guard for nearly a decade. In that time, I’ve grown to know him quite well. He is strong, courageous, and brave without peer. His ferocity in battle is matched only by his gentleness with those he cares for, and in all things, he acts without regard for his own comfort, but only of those he has sworn to serve and protect. Truly, it has been an honor to know him.”

She turned to Cadance, who blushed slightly under her veil. “Indeed, there can be no better choice of partner for our very own Princess Cadance, the Princess of Love! When I first met Cadance all those years ago, I thought that I had been given a companion to teach and learn from over these long centuries, but doing more teaching than growing. Little did I know, that Cadance would grow up to be one of the kindest, most loving Ponies I have ever known. Indeed, I grew to trust her so much, that I placed the life of my very own student, Twilight Sparkle, into her hooves as her Nanny when Twilight’s parents had to leave on a mission overseas. It was here that the Captain and the Princess met.”

“These two have been drawn towards each other since the day they met, as many here can testify to. The bonds of love between them are so powerful, so unshakable, that I know that their love will be forever recorded in tale and song.

“So, with all that said, I ask any who know why these two should not be married, to speak now or forever hold their peace.”

There was a pause, as was customary for these sorts of things, as everyone waited for Celestia to begin the exchange of vows. However, as she opened her mouth to begin, the unthinkable happened.

“I have something to say!”

The crowd of onlookers gasped as Twilight Sparkle stepped out of her place in the wedding line and turned to face the couple. “And I think I had better say it now, rather than waiting for tomorrow.”

“Twily, what are you doing?!” Shining Armor hissed.

“I’m speaking now, BBBFF.” she said simply. “There's something you need to know about your bride before you tie the knot forever.” She turned to Cadance and met her narrowed gaze. “Cadance... you're a wonderful pony. You’re kind to everyone, gracious to those who have wronged you, and merciful to your enemies. Everypony who meets you says you are the most gentle, the most caring pony that they have ever met, and they’re right to do so. You truly are an amazing match for my brother.” She took a long slow breath, then opened her eyes. “But I need you to promise that you’ll never have any foals. Ever.”

There was a collective gasp from the wedding guests as she said this. Off to the side, the three ponies who had provided the flower arraignments on short notice fainted. No one bothered to help them.

Cadance’s lips began to tremble, and a tear glistened in the corner of her eye. “Twilight... I don't understand, how could you say such a thing?”

“Oh, you don’t, do you? Do I need to remind you of what happened at the arboretum?”

Shining placed his hoof on his sister’s shoulder. “Twily, you’re being ridiculous, whatever happened that day, I’m sure it doesn’t justify-”

Cadance stepped in front of him, her nose almost touching Twilight's. “We agreed never to speak of that to anyone.”

Twilight took a step back. “No, you told me never to speak of it and bribed me with books when I wouldn’t comply, remember? You took advantage of me to try and buy my silence. Well, it turns out my silence is a rental.”

A shadow fell over the three ponies standing at the altar. They turned to see Celestia standing over them, her expression unamused. “What in the high heavens is it this time?”

Before either of the two newlyweds could speak, Twilight pointed at Cadance and squealed “Cadance left me at the Arboretum for hours when I was a filly!”

There was another collective gasp and every eye turned towards the bride-to-be. Cadance gave a nervous chuckle. “Look, there’s a perfectly rational explanation for this...”

“Well, I’m sure we’d all love to hear it,” Celestia said in a low voice.

“Wait, now?!”

“Well, she did stop the ceremony because of this...”

“Well, yes, that’s true, but...” she looked back at the crowd of guests, “right now?”

The silence that followed was all the answer she needed. “Okay, look, it's not as bad as she made it sound... it's like this, right? So, you know how there were days where I would get all the foals I would foalsit for together for a trip? Well, this was one of those days. So, on this particular day, I had just picked up another foal full-time, and this was the first group trip I had brought them on, so I thought it would be fun if we went to the arboretum, to see the spring flower show that was going on. While we were there, a few of them wanted to play hid-and seek in the garden, so I counted and they all went and hid.

“Well, I went around seeking, and whenever I found one I’d make a big show of it, picking them up and tickling them, then lining them up to count them. Here's the thing, though, I kinda forgot that I had an extra one that day, and so when I got to my usual number...”

“You left,” Twilight said with a flat voice, “and left me in the alzalea bushes, waiting for you to come get me.”

“Hey!” Spike pipped up, “Where was I in all of this?”

“Shut up, Spike!”

“Zipping it up.”

Cadance flared her wings, her face red fully flushed by this point. “Hey, it's not my fault you are so good at Hide-and-Seek! Maybe if you didn’t try so hard to be perfect at everything-”

“I only do that because YOU told me I had to! To avoid being gobbled up by ladybugs!”

“Who are we eating alive?” Luna asked as she landed besides her sister. “We really ought to finish the colosseum before we host that sort of event, but we are sure with a little improvisation-”

“Not now, sister. Twilight is getting a few things off her chest.”

“Ah.”

“Now, Cadance...” Celestia continued, “I’m still waiting to hear the part where it doesn’t sound so bad.”

“Well, the thing was, I really didn’t want to be there that day. I had a crumby morning. The baker had sold out of my favorite muffins, so I had to settle for two of the banana-nut ones. Worst of all, my mane was totally unmanageable that day! And I had chipped a... hoof... why is everypony looking at me like that...”

Celestia gave a little cough. “Well, I think its best if we just leave that there. Cadance, Apologize to Twilight, and let's get this wedding over with.”

“Not so fast” Twilight interjected. “I’ve got a few more things to say about your viability as a parent.” There was a faint *pop* as a scroll materialized next to her.

“You made a list?!” Cadance shrieked.

Celestia facehoofed. “Not again...”

“Oh, I didn’t just make a list, Cadance, I itemizedand dated this baby!” she unfurled the parchment, the bottom dropping to her knees. “Although, since we are on the topic, why don’t we discuss how I got my crippling fear of ladybugs, hm?”

“Twilight...” Cadance said hesitantly, “Sometimes, when adults need little fillies to listen and obey, they tell a little fib to smooth things out. That’s perfectly normal.”

“But does that ‘little fib’ usually involve them being eaten?!”

“Okay, back the buck up,” Shining said angerly, “Why the buck are you telling my sister she’ll be eaten?”

“She told me that my room had to be spotless!” Twilight said. “When I asked why, she pointed at a ladybug on the wall and said that each spot was an eye, and that they were on the lookout for little fillies who didn’t clean their rooms to gobble up!”

Shining cocked his head. “Twily, you did a presentation on ladybugs in kindergarten.”

“So?”

“So even then, you knew ladybugs don’t eat ponies.”

“What has that got to do with this?”

“Well, it doesn't make any sense for you to know that and be scared of ladybugs, even as a filly.”

“It doesn’t have to make sense to be traumatic, Shining!”

Celestia took the list form Twilight and glanced over it. “hmmmm...”

Luna gave her a bemused look. “What is it, sister?”

“There’s a lot of duplicate items on this list. Some variant of Cadance locking Twilight in a room? Although it looks like it only lasted a few months...”

“Cadance brought me a book on lockpicking,” Twilight said smugly. “It took me a few days, but I figured it out.”

Cadance and Shining Armor shared a look of horror. “Cadance, you didn’t-”

“I had to give her something! She was burning though books like Fahneight 451. How was I supposed to know she’d learn from them?!”

“And really, you didn’t have to lock me in a room if you two were just going to wrestle. It would have been nice to be included, you know?”

The whole building became deathly quiet. “Um, Twily? Are you saying you watched me and Cady... wrestle?”

‘Well, yeah, there wasn’t much else going on most afternoons. I mean, I don’t know when you watched Wrestlemarenia, but I figured out you were using the same rules pretty quickly.”

“...What?”

“Well in Wrestlemarenia, basically the contest goes until one wrestler pins the other and makes them scream ‘Uncle’, though I noticed you two preferred ‘Daddy’ for your submission word.” Another scroll *popped* in front of her, and she opened it. “I even kept a running tally of who won... you were way better than Cadance...”

A jet of flame shot out of Cadance’s horn and set the scroll on fire. “Opps.”

”Hey! That was my only set of records!”

“I remember the final score quite well, Twilight.” Cadance said drily. “No worries there.”

“I was saving that for posterity, you can’t just destroy history like that just because you’re a sore loser!”

“Um, could we maybe change the subject?” Shining asked nervously. He’d noticed a lot of the mares, including the princesses, were looking at him like he was a well-seasoned hay-steak.

Cadance and Twilight ignored his discomfort and continued their stare down. After a couple of long seconds, Cadance’s composer cracked. “Twilight...”

“Don’t ‘Twilight’ me! What do you have to say for yourself?”

“I’m sorry, okay? I hated foal sitting, and I was never very good at it, and you bore the brunt of it.”

Celestia reached out and touched Cadance with her wing. “Cadance... Why didn’t you tell me? We could have figured something out, maybe done something different. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because,” Cadance sniffled, “It was the only way for me to make sure that I was close to Shiny. Anything else might have taken me away from him. This way, I was sure we would be able to spend time together.”

Twilight looked at her, dumbstruck. “So, all that suffering, all that trauma... just so you would be able to spend a few minutes with my brother? And you think that somehow justifies it?!” She looked at Celestia incredulously. “You agree that’s crazy, right?”

“No, no, she’s got a point, Twilight,” Celestia said with a shrug.

“Forsooth,” Luna purred.

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “Unbelievable,” she sputtered, “You all are unbelievable.” She looked Cadance dead in the eye. “I take it all back. You’re evil.” she turned to face the crowd. “She’s evil! EVIL!” With that, she stomped out of the room.

“Well, that was unnecessarily dramatic,” Celestia said flatly. “Anyways, if nopony else has any objections, we’ll continue-”

Dozens of ponies stood up, all shouting over each other for the attention of their Princess, chief among them Shining Armor’s parents.

“I SAID, IF NOPONY ELSE HAS ANY OBJECTIONS, WE’LL CONTINUE!!”

Everyone sat.

“Good. Now, do you, Shining Armor, take this-”

Shining Armor raised his hoof. “I have an objection.”

“CONFOUND IT, WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?”

“Well, I mean I’m just a little uncertain now. I mean, this is a lot to drop on a stallion all at once. I need a few minutes to consider things. I think-”

“You’ll be having sex with an eternally youthful demigoddess for the rest of your life.”

“-that we have a lot of happy years ahead of us.”

“Glad to hear it. Is there anything else anypony wants to throw at us? No? Alright then, this time for real...”

Twilight sat alone in the corner at the reception. The table was littered with empty glasses except where she had rested her head.

Stupid Cadance, she thought angerly. What I wouldn’t give to bury her in a hole somewhere.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the huge white Alicorn that flopped into the seat beside her. “Hello Twilight.”

“Uuugghhh... what do you want?”

“Just making sure you’re okay.”

“What about today makes you think I’m okay? My sitter, who practically raised me is a horrible person, My brother choose her over me, My mentor is a crazy as they are-”

“Twilight I understand your upset with me-”

“You think?”

“-But you have to understand, when you’ve been alive as long as I have, you learn something valuable about the mistakes we make.”

Twilight picked up her head from the table and scanned the room, looking at all the happy guests crowding the reception. Even having witnessed the same events as she had at the ceremony, they were still laughing and having a good time. She saw Cadance walking about, chatting with each of her guests in turn. She looked as happy as she ever had. As for Shining Armor...

“Why is Luna leading my brother away from the party?”

Celestia almost choked on her wine. “Oh, uh, well, Luna hasn’t had a, uh, vigorous wrestling match in over a thousand years. She’s probably hoping your brother will have a tip for her, to help her brush up on her skills.”

“Huh, kinda weird to do that during the reception, but I’m guess that’s Shining Armor, always ready to help a princess.”

“I’m sure his assistance will be more than adequate.”

“So, what was it you were saying about mistakes? Because if you were going to blabber on about forgiveness and giving others a second chance, I’m not really in a forgiving mood right now.”

“Oh, no, of course not. I was going say that I have never yet made a mistake that a memory charm couldn’t fix. “

“What?!”

“It's quite elegant really, the hard part is forming the new memories to match the emotions of the memories they are replacing. That bit where you called Cadance evil, for instance. That will probably be in there somewhere. Hard to fake that kind of emotion.” She sighed heavily. “I suppose this whole fiasco will have the be pasted over with something a little more dignified.” She looked down at Twilight. “What do you think about a monster attack? Something that really gets the heart pumping.”

“I... I... guess?”

“What kind of monster, though... you’re scared of bugs, right? What about a swarm of giant insects? Would that do it, or is that too much?”

“I... I’m scared of ladybugs... and yes, I don’t think I would like giant bugs very much...”

“Hmmm... What if instead of bugs, it was ponies, but they kind of looked and acted like bugs? Would that be different enough?”

“...Sure, why not.”

A pen and piece of parchment appeared on the table in front of Celestia. “Hold on, I need to write this down, I’m never going to remember this when I’m sober...”

“So, that’s it then? Whatever happens tonight is just gone forever tomorrow? It never happened?”

Celestia paused in her writing and looked down at her student. “Twilight Sparkle, this isn’t a bad thing. This is a gift to you and everyone here.”

“What do you mean?”

“Think about it Twilight. Is there anything you're ever wanted to try, but didn’t because you didn’t want to face the consequences of your actions?” She stretched out her wing towards the party. “I’m giving you that opportunity, right now. Live your fantasy.”

Twilight gazed out at the mass of ponies, locking her eyes on one in particular. She nodded. “I know what I’m going to do.”

“Is it foolhardy?”

“Definitely.”

“Something you’d regret otherwise?”

“Me and everybody else here.”

“Well, then go for it, my faithful student!” Celestia drained the rest of her wine in one gulf, wiped her mouth with her wind and stood up. “I'm going to find my sister. She's had your brother long enough, and I was hoping he might give me a few pointers about wrestling too. If he’s good enough, he might be able to take both of us at once.”

She stumbled off in the general direction of Luna and Shining had gone, a goofy grin on her face.

Twilight watched her go, still slightly in shock from the conversation. When Celestia was out of sight, she summoned her own pen and paper and began to write furiously everything she could remember from that day, which was quite a lot. When she had finished, nearly an hour later, she rolled it up and tied a ribbon around it, then made her way over to the pony she spotted earlier. “Excuse me, Miss Doo?”

“Twilight!” the blond pegasus turned and gave her a sloppy hug, though whether that was due to the drink in her hoof or just her normal level of dexterity Twilight was unable to tell. “Imagine running into you here!”

“Believe me, I’m as surprised as you are to be here.” Twilight said drily. “Listen, do you still work for the mail service?”

“Absolutely!”

“Great! Can you tell me the best way to ensure a letter gets to the intended recipient when you don’t know their address?”

“Well, it’s a bit tricky, but there are ways to do it. Do you know who you want to send it to?”

Twilight gave her a mirthless smile. “Me.”

Ten years later:

It was dark in Canterlot this late at night. The whole city was still recovering after the crazy after-party for the coronation Princess Twilight Sparkle as High princess, which is why no one noticed a unicorn that looked suspiciously like the princess simply appear next to the post office nearest to the castle. A moment after she materialized, she staggered on her hooves, like she was drunk, but quickly steadied herself and walked over to the post box. Perhaps they could excuse the unsteadiness as a byproduct of whatever powerful spell had brought her here. If they had bothered to watch a few more seconds, they would have realized that she was indeed drunk as she continued to try and push open the flap of a post box that was plainly labeled ‘Pull’. Eventually, however, she opened the box and dropped the letter inside. Having completed her task, she sank to the ground, leaning against the wall where the box was posted and raised a cup of something that probably wasn't cider to the sky.

“Here’s to you, sunbitch. Try fixing this one.” she drank deeply from her cup, then sighed. “I never thought Starswirl’s time travel spell would come in handy aga-”

With a pop, she vanished, leaving no trace that she had ever been, except for the letter in the post box with instructions to deliver to one Twilight Sparkle.