Rainbow Dash is Worst Pony

by Tirimsil

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Profanity, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Death, Main 6, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Suicide / Self Harm
Length: 1781

Rainbow Dash demonstrates her worst pony-ness by making a deal with Satan.

Rainbow Dash is three things:

The fastest pony in Equestria.

Really bad at being the Element of Loyalty.

Not as hot as Applejack.

She is about to be only two of those things with the help of the Prince of Darkness.

Crappy short story because I really needed to write something farcical and quick and publish it.

Published 2021-04-25 17:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-04-25 17:50:01 UTC

In Which Rainbow Dash Is Worster Than Normal

"H-hurry!" Twilight cried to the others, racing towards the obsidian ruins on the hill of blood-red grass. She had to shout to be heard above the thunderstorm.

"Hurryin'!" Applejack retorted breathlessly. "You girls're slow!"

"I can't believe Rainbow Dash would do this to us!" Rarity whined.

"Where've you been for nine seasons," Twilight spat.

In a vault deep below the obsidian ruins, well-sheltered from the storm above, Rainbow Dash looked critically over a long roll of parchment.

"So, all I gotta do is sign here?" the pastel pegasus confirmed, casually waving one hoof in circles across a spot on the parchment.

"IN BLOOD," the massive, underlit, crimson goat-demon bellowed, leaning down very low and holding up a tiny quill for her to seize. "IT MAY STING A BIT."

Rainbow Dash looked up at him with a raised eyebrow, shrugged, took the quill in her mouth and signed. "Mmrf," she grunted as her wrist started to hurt. Finishing her signature, she spit the quill out and looked at her foreleg, shaking her hoof in pain. No visible marks. "Huh," she pondered. "Did you like, suck my blood out or something?"

The Devil looked away and rubbed at his neck, tilting his head in a "eh kind of" expression.

"Rainbow Dash!!" the panicking voice of Twilight cried, blasting the door open with magic. The five other Element-Bearers rushed in the door and froze at the sight of the Dire Lord. "Rainbow Dash, stop!"

"AAAAHAHAHAA! YOU ARE TOO LATE!" the Devil bellowed, rising to his full height and hitting his horns on the ceiling. "ACK." He put a hoof to his head, wincing, and continued in a quieter voice. "I knew I should've built this room taller... Oh well." He cleared his throat. "RAINBOW DASH! RISE AND ACCEPT YOUR GIFT! Become... uh..." He paused and looked over the contract. "Ah, yes. BECOME AS HOT AS APPLEJACK!"

"Become wut now," Applejack blushed.

The girls watched in horror as Rainbow Dash began to distort and squish, a wobbling sound filling the air and gradually growing higher. "OO-ME-NAKA!" the Devil bellowed, and with an explosion of sparks, Rainbow Dash descended lightly onto the floor.

Rarity's jaw dropped. "Oh my."

Rainbow Dash hopped in place twice, then sped to a nearby wall-mirror and examined herself with a happy gasp. She was tall, curvacious, and well-muscled under soft padding. Her hair and tail were long and voluminous, tumbling in rainbow swirls. She turned to check and yes, her ass was mwah, marmalade. "I would so fuck me," she judged in a passionate whisper, closing her eyes and thinking gross brony thoughts. Her reflection kept its eyes open and nodded with a smirk.

"I... that... You just wanted... What did you offer?!" Twilight demanded, finding her voice. "What did you offer, Dash?!"

As the others assembled in a circle to confront the demon, he smiled. With a rising slide whistle, a giant hole to the underworld opened up underneath them, engulfing them in red light.

They looked down into the fiery pits of Tartarus.

"Of course you did," Twilight sighed with a facehoof, and they all fell down.

"I ain't that hot," Applejack faintly called as the hole closed back up with a bloop.

Rainbow Danger Awful-Timin' Smoking-Hot Dash rested on a low cloud in Ponyville, sighing with boredom. Ponies with ratty manes covered in filthy grey rags skipped past her. Lyra squealed and hopped on three hooves as Bonbon smacked her other hoof with a hammer instead of nailing the plank to their broken-down market stall. Animals raided the marketplace for food and made nests in ponies' manes. There was a clown on every street corner, terrifying the foals. And Lyra. She was having a bad day.

Rainbow Dash hadn't showered in two weeks. She was still immaculate, of course. Spotless, shiny, pristine. Smelled like flowers, but only a little bit, so she could pretend it was natural. Also, her sexy thigh-high socks itched.

"Hey Rainbow Dash!!" Scootaloo called, skipping up and waving. She jumped, her legs shaking in the air like Pinkie's. Friggin' Pinkie and her thickness.

Rainbow Dash shuffled and buried her face in her cloud.

Scootaloo tilted her head with a frown. "Uh," she blinked, "Aren't-cha gonna watch the buckball tryouts? ... or... maybe help with some of these clowns..." She gave an uncomfortable look to one about twenty steps away, with sharp teeth and a deep cackle.

Pinkie was pretty good at buckball, too. So was Fluttershy. Stupid sexy good at things Pinkie and Fluttershy.

Rainbow Dash sighed. "Not feelin' it today."

"Why not?!" Scootaloo gaped. "What's wrong, Rainbow Dash? Didn't you sacrifice your friends to Tartarus to be not only the fastest in Equestria but also the most beautiful?" Scootaloo suddenly pouted in realization. "... could you get me in contact with this Satan guy?"

"You know somethin', Scoots," Rainbow Dash moped. "You know what sucks about being the fastest pony in the universe."

Scootaloo didn't know. She always thought nothing about that sucked. She just stared with her dumb mouth hanging open.

"NOBODY CARES!!" Rainbow Dash leaned off the cloud and smacked the dirt with her forehooves, moving her cloud a foot or two higher off the ground. "I mean, literally no one else can break the sound barrier. Just me. So no one's thought of a way to make it, like, useful. There's no tech that relies on it, there's no standard Wonderbolts procedure, no ancient warlords have a battle tactic based on it, nothing! Everyone in Ponyville sucks dick at flying - anything faster than Celestia rushing to the toilet after a Gala is all the same to them. Hell, you can't even fly at all!"

Scootaloo's face fell with big watery puppy eyes. "B-but I care, Rainbow Dash..."

Rainbow Dash didn't seem to notice. "And now I'm hot. SO WHAT! I wanted to be hot so I could show it off to my dumb sexy friends but oh, right, I sacrificed them to Tartarus so now whose face am I gonna rub it in?!"

Scootaloo looked over her shoulder. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle were laying on their backs in the street staring at the sky with dead-inside eyes, hoping to get run over. "... Uh, Rainbow Dash, that and the complete collapse of Ponyville's community and economy as four of its most important members all vanish overnight, including our primary defense against the clown invasion, kinda seems like all your fault."

"Four?" Dash blinked. "I sacrificed five."

"Yeah, but who gives a shit about books?" Scootaloo shrugged. A discordant chorus of Yeah, fuck books! sounded from the background ponies in the vicinity.

"Gah!!" Rainbow Dash roared, and sped off, leaving a cloud in the shape of herself lounging an awful lot like Rarity did on that one cover of Playcolt.

"WHO DARES TO CALL UPON THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS, THE SIRE OF ALL SIN, THE -- What? You again?" the Devil blinked, leaning down and putting on a pince-nez, squinting. "... Is there a problem?"

"Can I look over the contract, real quick?" Rainbow Dash asked. "Just wanna make sure of the terms."

"Wise," the Devil admitted, and poof'd the parchment into existence. "Keep it, I've got copies."

"Thanks," Dash said, and sped off.

There was an awkward pause.

"No one respects me anymore," Satan sighed, and disappeared in smoke.

Rainbow Dash stopped at the double-doors, slowly breathing in, then sighing. "Okay," she said, "This is the right thing to do."

She stopped and thought about that. "Correction," she amended, "This is the closest thing to the right thing to do after you sacrificed your friends to pony-Satan so you could be hot." She rubbed one of her wings against her cutie mark. "And you are pretty hot," she sighed, wing-slapping her butt a few times and smiling sadly at the sound and feeling of perfectly balanced muscle and wobble. "Oh well. It's all ill-begotten 'n' stuff. Time to give it all up."

She kicked open the doors and strode in. Ten scary mares, three of them scarred, immediately glanced in her direction. One of them was strangling another in the middle of a boxing ring, but stopped as both casually observed her. One mare had just punched one of those bounce-back clowns and was knocked to the floor with a yelp as it came back to her.

Rainbow Dash glanced around at the broken mannequines all over the room. The shattered bricks and concrete blocks. What appeared to be a skeleton with a busted skull chained up in one corner. She nodded with a grimace.

The mares all wore black shorts and tank tops. BAD BITCH, their shirts all read.

"Oh, pardon me," Rainbow Dash tutted in the most Rarity-ish voice she could muster, "I didn't know this was Ugly Dykes Anonymous."

Five angry mares and one bashful, no-longer-hot, black-eyed one trudged back to Ponyville from the empty, sunlit hill that once held the obsidian ruins. Satan had been a real drama queen over the whole thing and they'd had to get out real quick before it all collapsed and sunk into the earth.

"Uuuugghhh," Pinkie growled weakly. Or, more accurately, Pinkamena. She was all skin and bones with her hair flopped down low and her coat all grey. She'd said nothing but zombie moans since they'd come back. Rainbow Dash figured they did that thing where there's food everywhere that disappears when you tried to eat it.

"We should all be grateful that Celestia's grace delivered us from the den of sin," Fluttershy chirped. Satan had been glad to get rid of her, she wouldn't stop preaching. Six other princes of hell were in the hospital with severe allergic reactions. Four more had concussions.

"Says you!" Twilight honked. They'd tried to make her organize everything in history in the universe and it'd actually been hard to tear her away from it back to the world of light.

"Why were my parents in Hell, Rainbow Dash," Applejack cut in with a growl, glaring daggers at her.

"Wait, what?" Rainbow Dash leaned back. "They were? ... How should I know?! I didn't put 'em there!"

"Isn't your family Jewish, Applejack?" Twilight asked with a raised eyebrow.

"What's that got ta do with it?!" Applejack objected.

"It's what you get for perverting Celestia's teachings, you freckly bitch," Fluttershy condemned gently.

"I smell..." Pinkie popped her head up as they saw Ponyville's roofs over the horizon. She started to foam at the mouth. "I... smell... CLOOOOOOOOWWNNNSSSS!!!" she roared, and took off running in a cloud of dust and rage.

"Clowns go to Hell too," Fluttershy asserted, shuddering.