EXTRA! EXTRA!
Condiment Packets Continue to be Scarce, Changelings are to Blame
As first broke by our very own investigative reporter Prime Suspect: ever since Prince Baked Bushel Bean, husband to our glorious Princess of the Day Celestia Velva Bean, ascended into Alicornhood by reinventing ketchup into a better condiment there has been a kingdom-wide shortage of packets that were made in the more traditional manner.
While most of our competitors including The Horseton Chronicle, The Ponyville Gazette, and The Manehattan Post have written this story off due to the Great Dandelion Shortening and the ongoing Ladybug Quesadilla Fiasco that is plaguing Princess Twilight Sparkle in Ponyville, us here at The Canterlot Times have discovered a new lead and breakthrough in the Case of the Missing Tomato Spreading Paste. See more on Page 3.
Celestial just stared at her chitinous visitor, it was all she could do since every attempt to formulate a single syllable died before it left her voice box. In her time on the throne, she had learned how to read another's body language, and the pregnant alicorn could tell that said visitor was feeling awfully proud and smug judging by the fact her emerald eyes shone like a mischievous cat.
"Oh trust me, it gets better," Chrysalis said, giggling like a filly that had gotten away with stealing the last cookie from the cookie jar as she worked on her crossword. "See for yourself how deep the rabbit hole went!"
Princess Celestia, rather reluctantly, flipped to page 3…
Continued from the main page.
As everyone knows, Prince Bean took it upon himself to reinvent ketchup from an average condiment to something that helped improve the quality of any dish it was added to, and when he succeeded, he became an alicorn (Do alicorn stallions last longer in the hay? We ask Princess Cadance on pages 6 and 9!). Immediately after, he ordered all ketchup production switched to the new formula, causing outrage from traditionalists and those that felt the "Commoner Prince" had steel-hoofed the law to his bidding. On the other side, many praised the "Wonderfully Invented Nomming Glaze"or WING Sauce, for being a revolution that the food industry desperately needed.
This also prompted Prince Bean to create the Mercantile Companies Royal Investigation Bureau, led by Bouillon Neighsey, to raid any illegal distributor of the old packets or those who were taking the available product and swapping the ketchup blends. To date, the MCRIB has confiscated over five thousand bits worth of illegal and counterfeit goods, but it also has raised another issue. Two weeks ago, mysterious shortages started to occur all over Equestria, and even here in Canterlot the price of both packets and bottles have risen over 450%. With all other ends exhausted, Prime Suspect took the lead to try and get to the bottom of this enigma.
The following are just a few of the many opinions that were told to him from Canterlot citizens, edited for clarity.
"I swear, ever since this shortage, ponies are starting to grow distrust of each other," One member of the upper class, who we are going to refer to as RP422 to keep their identity anonymous, told us as they sipped on some sparkling cider. "It pains me to see ponies I have developed close business relationships with over the years sus me for being the culprit. I do hope this mess is over soon so we can return to normalcy."
"Everything will be brought under control soon enough," Samellan Flastra, one of the members of the Culinary Task Force Division of the MCRIB, said in her interview as they looked over some maps of known black market meetups. "We have a few sesames in the bread so to speak, and are inching closer to capturing the Onion in charge of this crispy ring. A few of the distributors we apprehended are thinking about a plea deal, so we will see how that goes when it comes time for court. All we ask for is patience."
"I fully trust in the Prince and his stallions," Cloud Dasher, a local baker and accountant for Marephy Law, stated when we asked for her input. "They did manage to take down the Queen of the Changelings from her throne, so if they can do that, anything is possible!"
"The matter is not Trixie's problem," It should be noted that the unicorn was constantly looking back as if she was being watched, but both Suspect and his audio tech Steri Sound did not see anypony else in the hallway. "Trixie is still in trouble for trying to duplicate bits to repair her wagon. How was Trixie supposed to know that was illegal, Trixie studied magic, not law!"
Unfortunately, not everypony is willing to trust in the sands of time…
"This would not have happened if that cook had stayed out to pasture where he belongs!" - Canali Slice, owner of The Leaning Trotter of Piza.
"He and the MCRIB can go buck candy rocks!" -Staphenshire, owner of Cutie Corner Candy Store.
"He is a no good, dirty rotten pig kisser! Griffins love ketchup with their fish and chips, MCRIB and that yellow bean better hurry up before war breaks loose." -Madame Peri Fume, Royal Appointed Chef of the Griffinstone Diplomat Agency.
Then there was Irrational Perspective, a local writer, who, at the time, had what was seen as the craziest opinion of them all: "It is changelings! First they take our ketchup, then our mustard, then our relish! Oh by Luna's glorious mane not the relish! They have to be behind it all, for who else has the ability to hide in plain sight?!"
With Canterlot divided, and using press credentials, our charming, bravest reporter and our most trusted audio tech went on a raid with the Royal Kitchen Interventers to see first hoof what went down. Using a quick strike to the building door, all inside were instantly captured. However, two individuals who were among those contained blew this case wide open. Those two, Ferris and Willow, are changeling drones that are part of Queen Chrysalis' hive, and they took the opportunity to set the record straight.
"First off, we are not the ones at the top," Willow stated, while Ferris was too busy trying to gnaw through his restraints to talk first. "We are simply the dealers that slip in and out of dark alleyways during deals to make sure the goods are delivered and the bits are accounted for. With our Queen not plotting Equestria's takeover at the moment due to her crush on King Sweet Baboo, all of us in the hive have gotten bored, and me and my brother Ferris saw this as a way to keep our infiltration skills from getting rusty."
"Yeah!" Ferris took this moment to chime in, and according to Prime, everyone was horrified that the drone literally ate the marble hoofcuffs that he had been locked in to. "Though, if you got more of this delicious marble, I will do anything you ask!"
"I think I have read enough..." Celestia said, rolling up the newspaper and gently placing it on the tea table as she rubbed her temples with a hoof. "Chrysalis, I will admit that you have been doing a better job of not causing my guards to scramble everytime you go out in town, but do you have any defense to what your drones are doing?"
"I do actually," Chrysalis' smile never faded, making a few of the stationed guards in the room nervous that the fanged schemer was looking at their princess as if she was its next meal. "To put it simple, ever since I was placed on house arrest with my Sweet Baboo, I haven't given a single order to my drones other than to keep out of trouble."
"You lying mule!" One of the guards shouted, earning a fierce glare from Celestia that made his feathers stand on end. "With all due respect Princess, surely you can't believe such a treasonous creature of manifested evil! Princess Sparkle tried to warn you about her being an impostor, but you decided to vo-"
"Your opinion is noted," Celestia said, her own wings slightly unfurling and silencing the loose-lipped stallion. "However, I did not ask for it. I have ruled Equestria for over 1000 years, so I believe that I can form my own mind set about matters. That being said, her statement is pretty suspicious, but others have cleared her behavior the last few weeks. Now, go to the maid chamber for your new assignments."
"Yes mam!" Flashing a quick salute, the guard was out the door, with his fellow guardcolts giving him a look of sympathy.
"Sorry about that," Celestia didn't miss a beat in returning her focus to the changeling before her, but Hokey Pokey's scowl made her rethink her approach. "Now, you say that you haven't given your drones any orders other than that one decree, what do you mean by that?"
"Hey now, you are a mare in love yourself, you know better than to make your gentlestallion mad!" Chrysalis laughed, a gentle, lighthearted laugh that echoed the room as she wrapped a wing around Pokey's back. "I am perfectly content with them doing whatever as long as they keep the hive maintained, gathering love, and avoiding trouble. It has taken being confined to Pokey's home, our home, to realize that they are smarter than I had been giving them credit for, and I love just being able to do my crossword and cook him a meal without having to worry about somepony wanting to beat me up.
"Remember when I took Bean? It never was about a quest for power Celestia, well that was part of it, but it was mainly out of revenge for being thwarted in my quest to have unlimited love from Shining Armor. I beat you but lost to that stupid rainbow power blast and it made me narrow-minded. Yet, when I was disguised as Bluebelle, Pokey fell in love with me, and it took a long time to realize I love him back. I'm not hungry anymore, and am the happiest I've ever been in my life."
"Well, that is good to hear," Pokey chuckled, leaning up to nuzzle under Chrysalis' neck. "Here I was thinking you were just faking to get state secrets from me and so I didn't have to charge you rent."
"That was the plan at first," Chrysalis leaned down to return Pokey's gesture, adding a kiss on the forehead for emphasis. "However, I've come to realize I don't need all that since I have you my Sweet Baboo. That is why I only get once-a-week updates from the hive, so I can focus all my attention on you."
"Be that as it may," Baked Bean said, flexing his wings as he looked at the softness his one-time captor was displaying. "You may need to up that to twice a week if this keeps up. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled at the behavior change you are showing, but anything your drones do you are still responsible for. Those two drones, Willow and Ferris, told us all they knew about the illegal ketchup ring and agreed to work as impostors on behalf of the crown in exchange for Empire Crystal and marble respectively.
"With that settled, we also have another matter to discuss with you. They told us about an old idea of yours called the 'Pony Preservation Project' and, after speaking with our Historian Elder Tome and Twilight to confirm the numbers and theory behind it, me and Celly are willing to not only sign it into law but name you as Chieftain of the effort."
"You two can't be serious…" Chrysalis stared, not be living that one of her more hair brained schemes was actually being put into use. "That was designed with the purpose of replacing mares in heat as a means to expand hival population, no way your subjects agree to that!"
"Truly so," Celestia said, sipping from her tea cup as she hummed. "I can't, however, argue with the principle behind the idea. Colt birth rates are low, so with changelings having both organs for reproduction, it is only logical that me, Lulu, and my Bean look to any avenue possible to ensure ponykind survives."
"I don't know Celestia," Chrysalis shuffled in her seat, clearly uncomfortable with the eagerness the Princess of the Day was showing with the endeavor. "Do you have any idea what you are suggestIng? By your sister's moon, I don't even know if changeling and pony mana pools can be compatible, you are risking a full extinction of all known ways of life and magic itself!"
"Risks that, with small trial runs, can be carefully monitored for any mana discrepancies when compared to known development rates," Celestia's magic replaced her tea cup with a rolled up scroll, which she gave to Chrysalis to read. "In that contract you will see your terms of employment and pay, as well as all future responsibly for any ill effects being placed squarely on my shoulders. You will also see that all volunteers for the test study, hoof-picked by you and approved by me, will have their room and board fully covered and be subject to a 5000 bit extra stipend per month to use as they need."
"I got a really bad feeling about this…" Chrysalis muttered, double checking the contract to make sure she wasn't signing away her soul. "If magic is indeed wiped out, wouldn't Harmony and Friendship as well?"
"You're learning," Celestia smiled, her face radiating like her sun as she gave Chrysalis an ink-tipped quill. "As for your concerns, if there is one thing my little ponies are good at are adapting, so I don't see what could possibly go wrong from this."
As Chrysalis signed on the dotted line, a shiver ran through her...
Author's Note
Shoutout to the Prince himself Irrecspective for allowing me to write this, and also giving the guys in the 'Cord that gave me bits and pieces mini cameos. Head on over to Irr's page to check our his "No Nose Knows" saga from beginning to end, it is quite the booper ride!
