Rainbow Dash is Best Pony

by Tirimsil

Rating: teen
Tags: Scootaloo, Random, Slice of Life, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 25218

Rainbow Dash demonstrates her best pony-ness by suffering for everyone else's benefit.

Rainbow Dash is three things:

The fastest pony in Equestria.

Not always great at being the Element of Loyalty.

Not as hot as Applejack.

Bad at counting.

But she makes do.

Some people took Rainbow Dash is Worst Pony a little too seriously, and I do not write to make everybody upset and miserable, so here is a much kinder story for poor Rainbow Dash. Not a sequel, Worst Pony is a farce.

Published 2021-07-17 01:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-03-26 14:16:40 UTC

Ch. 1 :: In Which Rainbow Dash Is Pretty Much Normal

It was common, in Ponyville, for homes to reflect their owners.

Rarity's Carousel Boutique was colorful, if overdone, multi-layered, and even looked a bit like her face when seen from the front. On more than one occasion a visitor to town had turned and shrieked at the sight of it, mistaking it for the unforgettable white unicorn herself in some elaborate couture or another.

Fluttershy, meanwhile, hid herself away in a humble cottage of thatch and grass, with the closest neighbors being five minutes away, and with a winding path leading to her door such that any who followed it faithfully would alert the timid creature to their coming with ample time to prepare.

And in the dark of the night, in the skies over Ponyville, the gentle light of the moon silhouetted a small floating palace against the starlit sky. Though it looked carved from marble, it was entirely of cloud. It was majestic and elegant, expertly crafted with articulate detail, and even softly glowing rainbows spiraling all around and within; a statuesque estate of every color, held aloft and weightless on the breath of the gods, a stoic house of cards gracing the sky.

But, with the exception of its employment of rainbows, this home did not reflect its owner whatsoever.

Even the casual voyeur, peeking into the bedroom, may think the cyan pegasus with rainbow mane and tail laying sprawled across the queen-sized bed with her mouth open and her own drool all over her face, may have been some rude, visiting cousin.

"Snrrrrkk-huh?" Rainbow Dash mumbled and snorted as the sun abruptly leapt from the horizon, breaking through the stained-glass window and flooding her home with the cursed burn of daylight. Tossing and turning with her eyes squeezed shut, she pulled her spacious covers up over herself, a bundle of grey-purple.

She snored a few more times.

"... Mmfmffmf!" she spat and hacked, beginning to suffocate, and kicked the covers off, sputtering awake. "What the hay... Morning already?! I've barely slept a wink..!"

She leapt out of bed and seized her cloud-clock from the countertop.

A visitor might be shocked to see such arcane gadgets as the cloud-clock, only recognizable as a timekeeper by the movement of parts with each rhythmic tick. The wheel of pegasians, each at a different point in a wing-flapping motion, and the grey central disc which seemed to adjust in color and shape with each tick, would have been nonsense to an earth pony or a unicorn - or, perhaps, even to Fluttershy, as accustomed as she was to staying on the ground.

"If only the Princesses slept in now and again. Hm, chance of rain today..." Rainbow Dash did not have a reputation for her smarts. So, to these outsiders, it may be inconceivable that she readily understood this incomprehensible machine, and set the device back down on her bedside table. "Well," she yawned. "Better get ready and make sure Ponyville survives another day..."

She headed into her shower and pressed the button labelled "Pamper".

It was harvest season in Ponyville, which meant the plaza was packed with tents, crates, and cobbled-together shelves. Only the richest elite of Ponyville had refrigeration, and even then it was not portable - so both farmers and their hungry customers were eager to get their business done lest the product rot right there in the plaza. It was a bit hard to sell anything else for the first week or so.

Lyra strode through the market with a big smile on her face and one hoof on her rhinestone-encrusted designer purse. She had it hung around her neck, hanging off of one side, and was obliged to tilt over to her left between the weight of it and the fact she had one hoof off the ground at all times.

"Are you sure it's a good idea to wear that around..?" Bon Bon asked, tending her candy stall. "It's probably ten times more valuable than whatever you've got in it..."

"More valuable than my Equestrian ID and stable security number? Like, as if," Lyra rolled her eyes.

Bon Bon frowned, not finding that soothing. "That's not the point, Harpy," she teased, reaching out and papping her on the head. "What if somebody steals it?"

"Ow," Lyra objected. "In Ponyville?! We don't have thieves in Ponyville, Bonnie. Our population is like, 102, we're all friends here, right? Besides, it's on my neck. Who the heck is gonna take it right off of my neck?"

A small someone in a green cloak leapt from the bushes and snatched Lyra's purse, effortlessly undoing the clasp to remove it from around her neck.

"Aaah! My neck! Help, like, thieeeef!" Lyra whined, stamping her hooves. "I didn't know we had thieves in Ponyville, I thought that was like the one problem we didn't have!"

Rarity, whipping her head around from examining produce, immediately dropped all of her bags and began to run after the thief. She charged her horn and fired a few blasts.

"Ow!" The someone said as Rarity's rather pathetic magic bounced off like rubber.

"Oh bother," Rarity tutted, her face red. "Eyaagh!" she screamed as something sped by her, spinning her like a top.

With a loud WHUMP and someone's high-pitched yelp, Rainbow Dash collided with the thief at about half the speed of sound. She opened her wings to attempt to air brake.

She did not air brake. Uh-oh, she thought quickly, looking up at the rapidly approaching front door of Sugarcube Corner. This happens every time. She instinctively threw the thief to the side. As said thief had already let go of the purse, stealer and stealée flew off at odd angles.

And CRASH! Rainbow Dash went right through the front door of Sugarcube Corner, rolled across the floor, and bowled right into Pinkie Pie, who shrieked like a banshee. The two of them fell into a heap at the foot of the stairs to the second floor as bits of door gradually stopped rattling and wobbling like dropped bits.

"Good morning, Rainbow Dash," Pinkie moaned.

"Hey Pinkster," Dash offered. "Havin' any problems with thieves lately?"

Mr. and Mrs. Cake appeared at the top of the stairs with pale faces. "Oh! It's only Rainbow Dash..." They sighed and relaxed at the sight of them sprawled out on the floor.

"We've had some breaking and entering..." Pinkie jabbed.

"Really?!" Dash asked brightly, hoping for some exciting news.

There was a pause.

"Oh," she realized in a lower tone as Pinkie didn't make a joke during the silence. "You mean me."

"Yeah." Pinkie returned with a very sharp edge.

There was a chorus of cheers from outside. "Yay, Rainbow Dash!"

"Guess I caught her," Dash blinked, untangling herself from Pinkie and getting up. She stretched her legs and wings out to confirm she wasn't injured. "You okay, Pinkie?"

Pinkie got up elegantly and looked her right in the eyes with a pout. Ticked off, but unharmed. Good enough for Rainbow Dash.

"Rainbow Dash!!" the cheers continued.

"You're a great landing pad, Ponk," Dash said, ruffling her hair. Pinkie was darn near indestructible. Receiving a growl in response, Dash stepped back, stumbling over a fourth of a door. "E-eh heh..." she glanced down at the wreckage. "I'll make it up to you, I promise." With one flap of her wings she deftly lept back out of the door and over all of the debris.

Lyra was nuzzling and kissing her purse, saying something with exaggerated fish lips, as Bon Bon gave them both a look of pure disgust.

... and the Postmaster, her eyes unfocused and her pout very stoic, was holding a green-cloaked, red-faced Scootaloo by the scruff of the neck. "Lookie whos it is," she announced, then blinked and looked back down at her charge. "Uh... Whos is it again?"

"... H-hey Rainbow Dash," Scootaloo warbled.

"Scootaloo?!" Dash exclaimed, unbelieving. "You stole Lyra's purse?"

Scootaloo fidgeted for a moment. "... It looked cool..." she eventually offered.

"I look pretty cool!" Dash took the opportunity to boast, a hoof to her chest and her wings stretched out. "You wouldn't steal me, would you?"

Scootaloo blinked at her in her full radiance, grimaced, and looked away, clicking her hooves together. "Mmmm," she answered.

"I'm very disappointed in you!" Dash huffed. "I am hereby suspending you from the Rainbow Dash Fan Club until further notice."

"What!!" Scootaloo barked. "B-b-b-but I'm the president of the Rainbow Dash Fan Club!"

"A dark day for my adoring legions," Dash insisted, tossing her mane with her nose high and eyes closed. "It's either that or..." she looked down with darkened brows. "... I come with you to talk to your parents."

Scootaloo's eyes went wide. "N-no!" She meeped. "I, I'll take the suspension! Throw the book at me, send me to Tartarus!"

"Whoa, whoa, relax..." Dash spoke more gently, holding up a hoof. "Look, don't do this again, okay?" she scowled, setting her hoof back down. "... I'm honestly shocked."

Scootaloo looked down with a burning red face and wet eyes.

"And I'm glad you're okay," Dash added, giving her a hug. "I could've hurt you super bad."

"I'll deserve the aching back in the morning," Scootaloo moped, sniffling.

Rainbow Dash cradled her for a second before sighing and flittering back towards the market. "... Good thing about all this hubbub... everyone's too distracted to buy all the bananas before I get there..."

"Where is she? Rainbow Daaaash? Rainbow Dash! Come here this instant!" Rarity called, stumbling around with an afro-like fluff of purple hair completely encasing her head.

Ch. 2 :: In Which Rainbow Dash Is Very Loyal All Things Considered

Having secured l'banans, slightly sore from her not-quite-perfect catching of Scootathief, and mercifully un-sat-on-by-Pinkie, Rainbow Dash returned to circling the skies of Ponyville. Eagle-eyeing, she called it.

What the heck, she frowned, watching Rarity stumble through the plaza with a giant purple fuzzball for a head. She could totally fix her mane at any moment. Dumb Rarity, always hamming it up. She snorted as Fluttershy dove to grab her and stop her from tumbling into the river.

Ever since she'd moved here, Rainbow Dash had been in the habit of quickly making laps around the village, taking in as much detail as she could as quickly as possible. As a filly, that had been a completely lousy amount of detail; she even missed a fire once, one that eventually ate up the entire northeast district. Fortunately, that wasn't at all her fault and no one was hurt, and as an adult she couldn't miss a bunny's nose twitching. In fact, she had counted five twitchy bunnies.

Passing close to the farm, she heard distant chatter and slowed down - the wind rushing past her was drowning it out. Her ears perked, she dropped down to the front gate. Ew, she wrinkled her nose, They haven't washed this thing in a while. Indeed, the bleached wood was stained with moss.

She always got a slight sense of danger when she approached Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack, of course, had consistently told her that was because of the "ancient Apple spirits". Supposedly, everyone got that feeling when they drew near, except members of the family and "total idjits". Rainbow Dash, at first relieved to be cleared of total idjit status, had become gradually more terrified as Applejack's revelations gradually convinced her that the farm knew she preferred oranges and was considering smiting her each time she showed up.

But another sense of danger won out over her superstitions - someone sounded angry. Someone familiar, with cute freckles. She slowly fluttered closer, through the gate.

When she came to the main house, she began to understand Applejack's voice. "By Celestia's fine divine patoot, Big Macintosh, I know we need ta git this done lickety-split, what I'm sayin' is it can't be done with just two ponies, and Apple Bloom ain't big 'nough ta help!"

Dash peeked around the corner. "... Then how're we gonna do it?" Macintosh asked simply, leaning back from his sister's nose bridge against his.

Rainbow Dash frowned. Loons, why's Applejack gotta have such a great butt. Rainbow Dash was a bit of a jealous sort.

Applejack pulled away and stamped at the earth. "Boy howdy I don't know, but if we don't figure it out five minutes ago, we're catchin' Ol' Whisper, I'm sure of it."

Macintosh trembled. "Eeeee... really?"

"Yes, really!" Applejack yelled. "How long you think Granny can hol' it in?! What's an Apple family ta do without an outhouse?! Go in th' bushes?! We'll be goin' in a bag by th' time she's done whiskin'!"

"Hey." Rainbow Dash waved, leaning against the back side of the house with a raised eyebrow and a smirk. Never mind, she thought to herself. Applejack's butt isn't so appealing anymore.

"Yaaah!" Applejack and Macintosh yelped, rearing back with pale faces. "... H-how long you been listenin'," Applejack stammered, her face quickly turning back red.

"You need a third to help you build a poopin' place," Dash shrugged. "I was just swingin' by, I mean, if you need me."

Applejack and Macintosh exchanged an uncomfortable look. "Alright, yer hired," Applejack announced. "Jes' need you 'n' Macintosh ta hol' some planks together while I hammer 'em. Should be easy fer Ponyville's favorite star, yeah?"

Dash snorted. "The hard part'll be not falling asleep." She waved a wing.

"EEYAAAAIIIGGGGH..!" Rainbow Dash squealed for the how-manyth time and jumped away in so much pain her wings weren't working. She tumbled to the ground and put her hoof in her mouth, tucking her legs in and rocking in agony.

"Fallin' asleep, huh," Applejack sighed, leaning on the hammer that hated Rainbow Dash's hooves so much, tugging her hat uncomfortably. "Shoot, I'm awful sorry, sugarcube," she apologized, then turned her head to her brother. "See, Macintosh? This's why Apple Bloom couldn't be helpin'... Either I'd take 'er hoof off, or she'd take ours off."

"Eeee-o' course," Macintosh concurred, looking with soft, concerned eyes at Rainbow Dash.

"You... did that last one... on purpose..." Dash accused across the rare instances between aches of pain that her brain was working.

"Beg yer pardon?!" Applejack protested. She leaned back, looking hurt.

"You asked... if I ever had... a hertz donut..."

"I was just jokin' all sardonic-like..!" Applejack insisted, scratching at her neck. "Otherwise, I woulda said 'hurts, don't it?' after I hit ya!"

"... that's a good point..." Dash admitted, kissing her own hoof. "Let, let me do the hammering in a minute."

Applejack pressed her mouth tight and thought it over. "Fair's fair, I reckon," she said. "But I'm warnin' ya, don't hit Mac's hoof. I been real lucky that I'm only catchin' you 'n' not him."

Macintosh scowled and shuffled uncomfortably. "Eeeeyup..."

"Tell ya what, I'll hold where ya gotta hammer..." Applejack offered.

"Ha!" Dash shook out her sore hoof and picked up the hammer with the other. "Prepare to poop!"

Rainbow Dash opened her eyes. Her head was pounding and she felt very heavy. She was covered in something soft and fabric-y. "Uuuh," she mumbled. "Whehhh..?"

She couldn't quite turn her neck. All she could do was count the tiles on the pristine white ceiling. Well, most of them, she couldn't see the corners. Some of them have smiling Applejacks painted on, she thought. Heh heh heh... Wow, they move and everything...

Someone must have heard her laughing to herself. "Oh, are you awake? Don't try to get up, dear," that someone called, and Nurse Redheart was examining her eyes. Aw shoot, not this again. She heard shuffling hooves next to her bed, but couldn't turn her head to see who it was. She hoped not too many of her friends were there watching her be lame.

Hopefully she wouldn't be literally lame this time. Like, lame in a leg. She fought down the panic that she might lose her wings one of these days. She got that every time, wings were still there.

"Dih I try-a do a sree-hann rayboo agehh," she slurred. She certainly felt like she tried to do, and get out of, a drop-down rainboom from three hands above the ground. These were definitely "was in the air and then suddenly not" pains. She really wanted to know how she'd put herself in the hospital this time, and the goof juice wasn't helping her get that information.

"I'm not sure what happened, dear," the nurse said, as though she'd spoken completely clearly. "Applejack says there was an accident."

"Um," she heard Applejack mumble. She sounded very sheepish.

Oh, right. She swung the hammer at the nail, somebody went "EEEEEEYOWCH" in a rapidly falling volume, she saw all the tops of the trees all over Sweet Apple Acres, and that's all she remembered.

"Biggy Maggitaw..?" Rainbow Dash tried.

"N-no, sugarcube," Applejack corrected her. She sniffed. "If it were him ya'd probably be dead."

"Mmm," Rainbow Dash murmured. She'd crashed into Big Macintosh once, mistakenly thinking he would be as soft as Pinkie Pie. She would have been wiser to crash into a tree. He dragged a house across town once. One kick would probably knock down City Hall.

The nurse gave a small gasp of disapproval. "Applejack," she gently scolded, "Did you kick Rainbow Dash across town?"

She could practically hear Applejack wilt, even if she couldn't see her. "... I-I-I didn't mean ta..." she meeped.

"Is okee," Rainbow Dash assured her, knowing she must be racked with guilt. She managed to slowly turn her head left to give a dopey smile. "Y'gaw daaa reef eggs."

"What?" they both asked at once.

"Reeee... ffuuhh... lllllleeeegggs..."

"Reflex," Applejack swallowed. "When Apples git startled, we kick... Th' girls all know that. I try ta stay away from anythin' or anyone fragile. Just, um, Rainbow Dash was helpin' us put some woodwork together, so's we were standin' purdy close, 'n' she got muh hoof with th' hammer."

"Yu waand meh," Rainbow Dash defended her.

"Ah," the nurse nodded. "That's right, you've been very careful ever since what happened with Rarity."

Applejack shrunk. "Y-yep. Big Macintosh can take a kick from me 'n' give me a warnin' scowl. Ain't many ponies can just shrug it off like that."

"Twi's bru-uh," Rainbow Dash added. "Puhrincezzezz."

"W-well sure, them too," Applejack grimaced, then her face fell again. "But you can't. I-I'm so sorry, sugarcube."

"I fergih vuu."

"Did you finish the project?" the nurse asked, checking Dash's vitals and adjusting her medications.

"Thanks ta Dash's help, we managed, but..."

"But what?"

"Well," Applejack shuffled her hooves, "Granny don't take kindly to hurtin' guests..." she turned her head.

"Do you need me to look at your backside?" the nurse continued candidly.

"Nope," Applejack said in a louder voice, scowling. "Ab. So. Lutely. Fine."

"I know your grandmother cracks a mean whisk," the nurse insisted.

"Shuddup."

"Okay..!" Redheart finally backed off.

"Eeeeeee-yowch!!" they heard Macintosh call from another room, sobbing.

"Heh heh heh," Rainbow Dash laughed with a big dopey grin, "Hiz buh hurts."

Ch. 3 :: In Which Rainbow Dash Becomes More Literate Than She Was Yesterday

The sun beamed gently through Twilight Sparkle's window, illuminating the dark swirls in the grain of the floor, making them seem to dance.

On two pillows - blue and green, respectively - sat Twilight and Fluttershy, quietly reading two copies of the same novel. A third copy, closed around a bookmark, lay at an odd angle on the floor, next to a squished red pillow, whose once-occupant, at present, would again be present presently.

Perhaps they intended to share their thoughts on the story with one another, or else saw nothing better to do on a calm day with gentle cloud coverage and nothing exciting happening. Whatever the case, they made not a sound for now, smiling at the hiss of the wind and the distant babble of townsfolk.

... whhhooooOOOOOOSH SMACK.

"Oh dear," Fluttershy worried, without moving her eyes from her copy of the novel.

Twilight looked up from her third reading of the chapter and pouted. "Rainbow Dash? Is that you?" She called to the window.

Rainbow Dash crawled up into the window from the spot just below she had smacked into. "Ugh," she wheezed. "Every time I'm in the hospital I get rusty bad."

"That and the atrophy," Twilight reminded her. "You're probably not at 100% lift power yet. I don't think crashing into my walls is a good way to recover from a hospital stay, y'know."

Applejack cantered back into the room. "I thought I heard a familiar friend," she grimaced, then lay back upon the red pillow and picked her book back up, awkwardly opening it and clucking as the bookmark slid right out. "Son of a... Shoot, I lost m' page... You doin' okay, Dash?"

"Peachy." Dash deadpanned. She pulled herself through the window and fell facefirst onto the floor with a yelp, scrambling up and dusting herself off. "Oh how I've pined for Twilight's window frame. I was wondering where everyone is today... I couldn't find you girls anywhere."

"Hm, well, Rarity's cooped up in one of her strange moods," Twilight rolled her eyes, "And I think Pinkie's with her family for a few days?"

Applejack nodded. "She invited me ta come with, maybe-cousins 'n' all, but I... uh..." She coughed and adjusted her hat. "I tole her work didn't permit." She winced and changed her position on the pillow.

Applejack had a way of lying with the truth. She certainly seemed quite careful not to put much weight on her backside, and the Pies' furniture were solid rock, so her true reason for declining was quite clear. And that was, indeed, a consequence of work - simply work done before, not after.

"Soooo..." Rainbow Dash tilted her head. "Are you all just... sitting around... reading?"

"Reading's a wonderful pastime, Rainbow Dash, you're a reader yourself," Twilight giggled. "It's not often we get a quiet day with no dire threats to Equestria. Right?"

"True," Dash admitted. "I guess that's a good time to be an egghead. Readin' anything cool? How's..." She craned her neck, and Twilight held up her book cover with a grimace for Dash to read. "... The Paramount And Not Unboring Life & Times of Filly-Sue-All's-well?" Rainbow Dash wrinkled her nose at the very title.

The girls glanced at their copies critically, most of them pouting.

"These words is too big," Applejack remonstrated. "Any of y'all know what 'vociferous' means?"

"It means someone has really strong feelings about something and can't shut up about it," Twilight said helpfully, snootily, and nerdily. "And these words are too many, it's a bit of a cop-out to use adverbs to slam emotion onto generic verbs like 'said'. Not to mention..." the callipygian eggplant unicorn added, "... all the epithets, many of which are awkward or just plain ridiculous to read. The characters have names, just use 'em!"

"In addition to the afore-mentioned critiques, this story suffers from meandering plotlines, inconsistent symbolism, and an unclear takeaway obscured by the distraction of its morally outrageous content," Fluttershy condemned with enough venom to poison all the babies in Equestria. Her wings twitched as though prepared to mug the nearest old lady.

The other two looked at her and blinked.

"Ain't wrong?" Applejack concurred. "I think?"

"I'm surprised it passed by the editor," Twilight commented. "Things like... that... never happen to female characters in modern literature, especially fillies and the elderly."

"Editor? What's an editor?" Rainbow Dash asked, tilting her head.

"What do you mean?" Twilight furrowed her brows. "They edit your writing for you, of course."

"... Uh, why?"

"Why?" Twilight repeated, blinking incredulously. "Well, I mean..." She looked at the ceiling as though it might provide her the means to explain.

"Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy cooed, setting her book down, "You have a lot of creative ideas, right..?"

"Yeah," Dash ventured, leaning back and looking at her sidelong in wariness.

"But..." Fluttershy paused, her eyes darting around in thought before she looked back at her and continued. "You're not very concerned with... grammar, and spelling, and, um, basic decency. Right?" She lowered her head to look less judgmental.

"Nerd stuff," Rainbow Dash dismissed with a smirk and a flippant wave of a wing, then scowled. "What was that last one?"

"So you can write your story and send it to, saaaay, Twilight," Fluttershy gestured to the purple smarty with a wing, who blinked and drew herself up, "She, um... has not had the best luck with creative writing..." Fluttershy continued, and Twilight immediately deflated, "... but she'll touch up your grammar for you! She'll fix spelling errors and suggest changes in how you say things. Maybe even help you make metaphors!"

"Metawhats?"

"See?" Fluttershy beamed. "That's why you need an editor."

"Yeah," Applejack concurred, "Ya give yer editor th' bones 'n' meat-a-yer story, 'n' she makes it all purdy." She scowled at her book, holding it at leg's-length. "Hopefully purdier than this high-falutin' heap o' aristocracy..."

"Oh!" Rainbow Dash perked up, understanding. "You mean like how I might give Rarity my bones and meat and she'll put clothes on 'em?!"

Three ponies gaped at her, appalled.

"Yep," Applejack finally said, "Yep, that's a way ta say it."

"Twilight!" Rainbow Dash barked. "You're my editor now!"

"Huh?" Twilight honked, but Rainbow Dash was already gone back out the window, with nothing but a brief high wind knocking Twilight's jars and paintings off the tables and walls as evidence she'd ever been there.

"Shoulda submitted her to an editor when she were written," Applejack critiqued, then looked down at her now-bookmark-less book. "Aw dangit, I lost m' place aginn!!"

"Mail, Twilight." Spike yawned, stumbling into the room with a huge package carried over his head with both hands. "Something big came in today." He slammed it onto the coffee table, making Twilight's mug jump up and rattle. "I'll be with Rarity if ya need me..." He lurched off. "Definitely a strange mood, alright..."

"Come back safe, Spike..." Twilight mumbled after him, then stared at the package in confusion. "What in the world..? It's massive." She shuffled around it in circles, peering at it as if expecting Pinkie Pie to leap out and assault her. That's what she said, suddenly came into her mind, and she pouted. Shut up sleepy-morning-brain, I'm not Rainbow Dash. Nor am I Filly-Sue-All's-well.

The gears in her sleepy-morning-brain turned and she scowled, her face scrunching up hideously. "She didn't really..."

She magically opened the package, seized the top paper from a thick manuscript, sighed as her eyes glossed over the title, and began to read.

RAINBOW SMART
and plumm piddant
ruff draft
v0.01 awesome alpacka

it was a dark and stormy knight. rosen magniffisense rose from her big bed thing with a tappestrees. her purple but not that purple hair was bounced alot. she fluttershys her lashes and the sapphic orbs of her head glimers in the moon light.

i think i will be fabulous today tonight she thought at her self. but before i am do that i got a small wine. she stroad prettyly to her booze box and with her magic mind opening.

the box. a ha!

ye lls a strange man in side. he sticked out his hoofs out and the scissors in his hoofs rarity is scared. oh noooooooooooo

and then she is stabbed 39 times which is very sad and tragic that her blood which seemed blue thanks of moon light and because she is kindof spoyelled glowes deadly in the moon light.

anyway morning acomes and rainbow smarsh is there. "this is a murder" says her puffs her pipe. "very smart" says plum puding. "who ask you" raibnow smack her on her egg head.

Rainbow Dash skipped lightly to the castle, then paused before knocking with a curious pout. "... The heck is that noise..." she wondered aloud. It sounded like a witch cackling in the distance. Like an earth pony witch, from the olden days, who rode brooms and cursed fields.

She knocked at the doors and got no response. "Twilight?" She called. The cackling suddenly stopped. "Twilight, are you okay? ... I'm comin' in," she warned, and opened the door.

Silence.

"Spike? Anyone? This is really creepy," she called, slowly flying up the stairs.

Slowly flying through the upper halls.

Slowly checking all the doors because she forgot which ones went where.

Finally, she opened a door and saw Twilight seated at her coffee table with her face smack against it. Not moving a muscle. Her coffee was full, and still steaming.

"Whoa!!" Rainbow Dash yelled. "Twilight! Are you okay? Did that cackling demon get you?!" She zoomed to her side and gently touched her, checking for wounds and a pulse.

Twilight suddenly leapt up, bursting into mad laughter, falling out of her chair and onto the floor. Her coffee mug spun and rattled, but settled back in place without spilling.

"WAAH!" Rainbow Dash squeaked, leaping back. "... W-w-what's wrong?! Did someone get you with laughing gas?!"

"Do you even know what 'sapphic' means?!" Twilight wheezed between chortles. A dictionary floated off of a nearby shelf and opened itself to the correct page in front of Rainbow Dash's eyes.

"... sapphic, adjective, one..." Rainbow Dash muttered, reading to herself. Her eyes widened and her face reddened. "... That's not the same as sapphire at all!"

"WAAAAAA-HAHAHA..!!" Twilight shrieked like an angry goose, smacking the floor and unleashing those horrid witch-cackles.

"... It's not funny, Twilight..." Rainbow Dash scowled. "I put a lot of effort into that story!!"

"I-I'll match you t-trying to edit it..! PFFFFT... Y-you even called the victim Rarity..."

"I did?! When?!"

"L-like every time after the first time," Twilight hacked and coughed, "O-oh help me I can't breathe."

Ch. 4 :: In Which Rainbow Dash Keeps Her Word

"MmMmMmM-AAaAaAaahHhHh-tHaT-FeeeEeLs-GoOoOoOOd," Dash warbled over the patapatapat of her massage. Nothing helped you in the last stages of getting over a hospital stay quite like getting the crud beat out of you at the spa as soon as you were well enough for it not to put you right back in there. The steam, too - she needed the heat to stretch out her muscles so she could exercise and undo the atrophy.

She was about to fall asleep from the bliss of Lotus's well-practiced smackery and the soothing, if off-key whatever she was singing to herself when her ears lifted at the sound of a distant commotion, muffled through the walls. "What the heck," she mumbled. "What's that noise?"

"Ooooh many dears," Lotus trilled, her brow furrowed. "It is being very loud indeed if we are hearing it, from all the way inside thees spa."

"Maybe I should check it out..." Dash worried.

"But you will be interrupting your pampered muscle massage --"

"Don't worry about it," Dash assured her, and stood up, stretching. Her eyes widened and then she put on a very inappropriate face at the feeling of immense looseness all around her body. "Geez, how'd you get so good at that..~?"

Lotus smiled bashfully. "You will not be believing me if I am telling you."

"Mm," Dash shook her head to return to reality. "If I'm not back in time for the indulgent hooficure, keep the bits," Dash said, and cantered out with a firm pout.

Dash gasped as soon as she was out the door. There was a crowd in the marketplace, surrounding two ponies she didn't want to see in the same spot again. Well, them and two others she didn't mind so much.

The Postmaster once again had Scootaloo by the neck, though in addition the filly was seated. She was glancing with wide eyes at the crowd all around her, alternating between that and the jewelled necklace in her hooves. Right next to her were Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, stumbling back to their hooves.

"Scootaloo..!" Dash cried as though the filly had stabbed her.

"W-w-wait!" Scootaloo stammered. "I didn't, this isn't, this isn't what it looks like, Rainbow Dash!"

"It looks like yous gots one of the Mayor's blingy neck thingies," the Postmaster scolded. "Diddinn think she was that kinda mare." She pouted, her eyes boggling.

"Ya broke inta Town Hall 'n' got that!? Just now?! How'd you do that?! That's amazin'," Apple Bloom praised, then paled, grimaced, and tried again with an angry face. "Uh, bad Scootaloo! Go directly ta jail!"

"We don't want Scoots in jail, Apple Bloom," Sweetie Belle scoffed. "She'll become a butch biker mare!"

"Well she's already a butch scooter filly," Bloom reminded her. "That's at least halfway thurr!"

Rainbow Dash stomped up to Scootaloo and held out a hoof. Scootaloo blinked, then wordlessly gave her the necklace, looking around in a confused, nervous sweat.

"Postmaster, can you bring this back to the Mayor?" Dash asked, giving it to her in turn. The ditzy mare nodded with a beaming smile, put it in her mouth, and flew off unsteadily.

"I'm gonna take Scoots where she needs to be," Dash sighed. Scootaloo paled and started breathing hard with a hoof to her chest.

"Yer really takin' her ta jail?!" Bloom cried.

"Or at least the tattoo parlor where she can get her mom's name in a heart with a sick snake wrapped around it put on her foreleg?!" Sweetie added.

"What? No!" Dash scoffed. "I'm takin' her home. To her parents. We're gonna have a talk."

"And not the Australian ones," Pinkie hastened to add, "Yes, it's me, I'm back from the family visit, thanks for asking. But that was a stuuuuupid episode. Nope nope, these are the same ones from that not-a-murder story we're not done writing yet even though that might be a Reverie Equestria story and this one probably isn't but who the heck is even keeping track after all these years! Oh nooo! Scootaloo's gonna be so embarrassed! At least twice, maybe more times!"

"Just kill me," Scootaloo offered as an alternative, and fainted.

"Not a murder," Pinkie repeated.

Rainbow Dash blinked, her mind completely blank, and glanced around the huge table she was sitting at. The stained glass windows in the spotless white walls. The old maid currently dusting her mane. How did she get here again? She was taking Scootaloo home, right? Scootaloo. The punk who everyone thought was an orphan. The only Cutie Mark Crusader who said things that don't go on TV. Things like "Luna's beard" and "hornlicker". Right?

"Miss Dash," the stately mare at the head of the table crooned, her chin raised. "I am well aware of the frequent infractions and occasional misdemeanors of my errant daughter Alfreda."

Alfreda. Dash blinked again. Alfreda. Like... chicken alfreda? Was that what it was called? It'd been ages since Gilda dared her to eat griffon food...

Suddenly the gears in Dash's head spun. She knew exactly what was going on with Scootaloo's name. Well, maybe. She'd have to ask her about it. Hopefully she wouldn't be too mad.

Scootamom sniffed haughtily - she put Rarity's posh to shame. At least Rarity was cute and dumb-looking. "I suspect she is corrupted by those rancid minstrel shows on that.. 'thaumbox' of hers."

Rainbow Dash had grown up in Cloudsdale and come to Ponyville at a young age. She thought she'd seen all sorts of pegasians. But she'd never met a pegasus who pretended to be a unicorn except for the magic, like Bernadette Lucchese. That's right, not only did this crazy hag refuse to ever touch a cloud, but she didn't even use a regular pony name. Like Princess Celestia or Princess Luna, some ponies took... weird names. Unlike either Princess, those folks thought they were too good for normal names. Imagine being more arrogant than a sky-goddess!

She didn't even realize that, if Dash was gonna have a name like that... well, her entire family was Rainbow-something, so she'd be Miss Rainbow... come to think of it, a mare like her might have found that "puerile" and willfully changed it to Miss Dash. Whatever was going on in that withered old pompous head of hers, Rainbow Dash did not terribly care for her, and had a suspicion the feeling was mutual.

"Do you know, Miss Dash," the lady whispered loudly, "Alfreda wants to be, among countless other simultaneous ventures, something called a 'wrangler' when she grows up?"

"A what?" Dash blinked.

"Indeed, I did not know what it meant myself at first, I thought to wash her mouth out," Bernadette scoffed. Rainbow Dash had never heard someone scoff like they were actually trying to get phlegm out of their throat before. "Apparently she wishes to travel to some foreign land and engage in vulgar hoofticuffs with exotic beasts!"

"Is... that sorta thing on the TB?" Dash was intentionally being vague. As a filly, she recalled loving a show in which a stallion with a distinct accent and a very practical vest leapt on the backs of alligators and talked about how beautiful they were while evading certain death. He had been utterly insane and Dash had been totally into it. Sadly, he had passed away a while back after one too many risky meetings with potentially deadly animals.

Mrs. Lucchese bristled at the abbreviation. "What isn't? All manner of profane images grace the surface of that devil's machine! It is a heinous contrivance, wouldn't you agree?"

"But Princess Luna loves the thaumbox," Dash said in the least edge she could muster. Indeed, once she had returned, Princess Luna was at first terrified of "Tia's pet ghost", as the staff willfully encouraged her to believe it was, but once she understood what was going on, was quickly enthralled.

"Indeed..." Mrs. Lucchese implicated. She tightened her stupid pout, likely not daring to directly speak ill of the Night Princess. She had been Nightmare Moon, and Dash recognized that some of the nobility didn't really trust her. It isn't like they respected Princess Celestia, who suffered no such stigma...

"Uh, I hate to be abrupt," Dash lied, she loved to be abrupt, "But can I head up and talk with Sc... uh, with Alfreda?"

"If you can reach my daughter, by all means, convince her to be a proper Lucchese," came the regal answer, without even looking at her. "You are excused, Miss Dash."

Dash pushed her chair back, stood up, gave a courteous bow, and... flew over the table. She smiled at the sound of the indignant nose-sigh behind her as she landed and trotted up the stairs.

She wasn't ever going to ask Scootaloo to be more like that piece of work.

"B-b-but I didn't steal it!!" Scootaloo stamped. Or, should we say, Alfreda. Rainbow Dash didn't know when she got her hair done in braids and who stuffed her into this sapphic... er, sapphire blue-and-gold bodice in the meantime, with the poofy round shoulders and the swirling layered skirt like she was waiting for a knight to save her from a dragon, but she had to admit, she was completely precious.

She frowned. She looks kinda like Smolder... she realized. Especially with the dress... Is Scootaloo Smolder? Had she ever seen both of them in the same place?? She blinked the conspiracy theory out of her head. Scootamom would flip if her daughter was a dragon anyway, best to leave it be.

"I dunno, Scoots, you definitely stole Lyra's purse..." Dash reminded her.

"Yeah but I was gonna give that back!"

"... What?" Dash doubted in a deadpan.

"What was I gonna do with it?!" Scootaloo threw up her hooves. "It woulda been recognized if I took it anywhere, and it's not like Ponyville has a black market! I was practicing. I'm the rogue in our party!"

"The... the rogue?" Rainbow Dash blinked.

"Yes! Like how Bloom's the warrior and Sweetie's the mage!" Scootaloo exhaled. "I was gonna give it back. And... then maybe steal it again and then give it back again... uh, many dozens of times..."

"Are you serious?" Rainbow Dash balked. "You expect me to believe that?! Why didn't you tell me that before?!"

"Would you have believed me then?!" Scootaloo reasoned.

"... Um," Dash rubbed her neck, "Nnno... I mean I don't really believe you now..."

"Of course not! It's a ridiculous reason! I'm a ridiculous filly in a ridiculous dress!" she stamped again.

"I think you're adorable," Dash offered sincerely. "Especially when you stamp like Sweetie Belle."

Scootaloo went red-faced and froze mid-stamp at once, setting her hooves back down awkwardly and looking away.

"Okay, look," Dash raised a hoof. "How do I know you didn't steal the Mayor's necklace 'for practice', then?"

"W-well, someone tossed it to me as they ran by," Scootaloo said. "Sweetie and Bloom were there! They saw it!"

"... They did?" Dash doubted. "Then why didn't they say anything?"

"They did!" Scootaloo grasped. "Remember what Apple Bloom said?! She asked how I pulled off the heist 'just now'!"

Dash thought that over. "You're right, she did. That was a strange thing for her to say..." she admitted. "She seemed pretty surprised... but then why didn't she defend you?"

"Because she's a dummyyy!" Scootaloo whined, quite forgetting that stamping was adorable and thus she preferred not to do it. "Sweetie and Bloom have an attention span of like negative six seconds! They just totally went along with the scene! If Sweetie fell through a tree onto a stage she'd pretend to be a bush in the play!"

Dash thought this over. Scootaloo's attention span wasn't much better. Also, something about what she saw when she came out wasn't quite right if Scootaloo was the culprit. After rubbing her chin for a few seconds, she relented. "Tell you what. I'll ask them straight-out."

"Please!" Scootaloo begged. "... A-and Rainbow Dash?"

"Yeah?"

"Please don't tell them about my family," Scootaloo mumbled, looking down red-faced.

"They don't know?"

"No!" she said like it was obvious. "They never asked to come over or questioned anything about me. Negative six seconds."

"Right... Listen," Dash said, going back to gentle. "You're still 'Scootaloo' to me."

Scootaloo fidgeted, but the corners of her mouth turned up a bit.

"You better not be lying to me," Dash warned, making the corners go back down. "But if you're telling the truth, I'll get to the bottom of it. And just between you and me, your mom's a pain in the butt."

"Thanks, Rainbow Dash... and yeah, she sucks..."

The two of them shared a quiet giggle.

"Oh, one last thing," Dash pouted. She blinked at the wall a few times as though it had offended her before continuing. "Is your nickname Scootaloo because you preferred being called Lucchese rather than Alfreda and that got shortened to Lu and that became Scooter Lu because you ride a scooter so much and eventually that got slurred to Scootaloo?"

Scootaloo paused to process the query. "Yeah," she finally answered. "Yeah, that's about right."

"Huh, that makes sense I guess. Anyway, stay outta trouble," Dash smiled, gently and sincerely. She gave her a hug. Then, to Scootaloo's delight, Rainbow Dash opened the window, saluted, and leapt out that way, rather than a way that was even remotely civilized.

Ch. 5 :: In Which Rainbow Dash Dislikes Debts

The Apple family kitchen slash dining room was stacked floor to ceiling with pastries, sandwiches, pies, and tarts, each balanced delicately on a single plate, as though a toothpick were holding them all together.

At the table, a certain colorful pegasus with a very round belly laid back, looking ill, as a freckly orange earth pony dashed wildly around, seizing fresh foods, setting them on the table, and sticking something else in the oven or on the stove as though going for a record in something obscene.

"Applejack, come on, it's fine! It was -- beeelch -- it was ages ago..!" Rainbow Dash objected, waving her wings around wildly.

"It weren't neither!" Applejack insisted, setting down another stack of pancakes, covered in butter and syrup. "It were hardly a week or two ago..!" She wringed her hooves. "I don't know how you git out th' hospital so dang quick ev'ry time but it's th' least I can do ta make sure yer eatin' good so yer back up ta 100%."

Dash was heavily torn between refusing to take advantage of a best friend's lingering guilt, and devouring the heck out of as many anythings as Applejack threw at her. To hell with decency, her intestines right now, and sometime in the next fifteen minutes, the outhouse she helped build. "I startled you 'n' made you hit your head, though," she reasoned, "You yelped real bad and I was sure you were bleeding."

"Ain't in th' hospital, am I?" Applejack retorted, adding olive oil to another stovetop dish. "Yer tendency ta make real sudden arrivals on th farm're only gonna cost ya a pancake or two. I hardly got any brains anyhow, what's a few more concussions matter," she grinned.

"Applejack, please," Dash fretted, "I forgave you right there in the hospital. Did Rarity make you into her personal attendant way back when you -- what was it she told me -- 'broke her in half'?"

Applejack paused while balancing a tray of glazed pastries and stared evenly at her.

"... she didn't really do that, did she?" Dash tilted her head back and raised an eyebrow.

"Well, no," Applejack laughed, now back to running back and forth. "But I did all them favors fer her fer 'bout a week 'n' I could tell she was a mite uncomfortable, but she let me go about it."

"Why?" Dash furrowed her brows. "I know you two were fillies, but she couldn't have been that callous."

"Just th' opposite, we both felt plumb horrible, 'n' she knew if I was focusin' on her it'd help me with..." Applejack paused, setting down a bowl of mashed potatoes and turning from the table to clear her throat awkwardly. "Y'know, uh, why I clobbered 'er. Right?"

"No," Rainbow Dash shook her head, blinking cluelessly. "I moved to Ponyville while she was still in the hospital. All she told me was not to mess with you, you'd break me in half."

"So it's her fault you was always messin' with me," Applejack huffed. "Shoulda known. Anyhow, she didn't realize a certain somethin' happened what can usually only happen once," Applejack hinted with a grimace.

Rainbow Dash kept staring.

"Talked bad about some ponies who she didn't realize weren't 'round ta hear it..."

"... Oh!" Rainbow Dash blanched, both hooves to her face. "Oh geez! She's lucky to be alive!"

Applejack laughed. "That she is," she agreed, then sighed. "I'm sorry, I just..." She bashfully looked away. "There ain't really much I can offer ya in apology other'n' food, I know ya love you some food..."

"Your cooking is tip-top," Dash conceded. "But there's one way to make me refuse food from you or Pinkie."

"Wut's that," Applejack deadpanned, scrunching her mouth up to the side, brows low in doubt.

Dash drew herself up and closed her eyes primly, raising her chin. "If each bite I take is a bite out of your heart," she delivered with a posh accent, raising a wing to her chest. Her eyes went wide as a perfectly-timed pfffffttt escaped her other end.

The two of them guffawed. "Aw, you charmer," Applejack mocked. "Fine, fine, you win. Even th' great Rainbow Dash can overeat, anyhow... Don't worry, us Apples'll tear through all this quick as Apple Bloom swipin' a cookie."

"Awesome, your sister's pretty good at that," Rainbow Dash nodded. "Speaking of which, can I finally tell you why I came here?"

"Huh?" Applejack blinked, lost. "Ya mean I didn't ask? ... aw shucks, I musta got carried away..."

"Ya think?!" Rainbow Dash swept her hoof at the encompassing buffet around them and belched again.

Aaaaah, that's better. I helped build the outhouse and now I've helped destroy it.

Rainbow Dash walked lightly up the wooden steps and suffered a dizzy spell, instinctively dropping to lower her center of mass. "W-whoa," she urped, feeling sick. "Wiggly stairs? Not good, I just ate..." She clambered to the top of the stairs and found that area much sturdier. "Phew..."

Turning to the clubhouse front door, she knocked gently. "Apple Bloom?" she called. "You okay in there?"

"Mm," came the bored response. "Come on in."

Rainbow Dash opened the door.

Apple Bloom was laying like a pondering cat in the center of the clubhouse looking bored out of her mind, circling a hoof around in the rug.

"I think your stairs are loose," Rainbow Dash warned her. "Might wanna check the whole clubhouse, in fact."

"Did ya git dizzy goin' up 'em too?" Bloom asked, looking up with a grimace.

"Yep."

"Mm, I'll take a look at all th' nails 'n' stuff later," Bloom sighed, turning her attention back to the floor and pouting again.

"What's wrong?" Dash tilted her head.

Bloom sighed at the rug. "One of the Trinity is bound."

"What?" Dash wrinkled her nose. "The heck does --"

"You just took Scoots home fer stealin'," Bloom droned listlessly. "So I reckon she'll be grounded fer who knows how long. She'll git a cutie mark fer bein' in prison. Sweetie 'n' me, we're off th' hook, but we got nothin' ta do."

"Look, I'm the Hero of Loyalty, I know how it is." Dash sympathized, dropping down next to her. "But don't you think you're a little too reliant on your friends being around to... uh... have basic passion for life?"

"We all of us're in a constant downward spiral, Rainbow Dash," Bloom pontificated. "All awaitin' th' moment of our doom, for its harbinger comes slow on tireless wings. Fear 'im not fer he don't bring death, he just attends it, but all th' same it will come. We are all alone in th' end."

"Uh, how old are you, again?"

"There's nothin' sadder 'n' a young pessimist," Bloom sighed.

"Okay, look," Rainbow Dash facehoofed, struggling to get to the point. "Can you tell me what you saw?"

"Saw where."

"When Scootaloo seemingly stole this necklace. Or, I guess, the whole time you were with her today up to when she may or may not have swiped it."

"Oh... okay..." Bloom acquiesced. "If ya reeeeaaaally want ta hear it..."

"I really want to hear it."

Apple Bloom yawned. "I mean if ya reaaaaallly..."

"I really-really-really wanna hear it."

Bloom scowled. "Y' sure drive a hard bargain." She sighed for five seconds. "Scoots was right there at Sweet Apple Acres fer th' sun even come up. She was all eager ta go out, we'd just served our penance after gettin' in trouble 'n' were just havin' us another day together."

"Penance?"

"It's neither here nor there," Bloom pouted, "Pry not inta th' sins of our pasts." She cleared her throat indignantly. "We picked up Sweetie 'bout a frog's hop after sun-up 'n' went fer lunch at that new place, th' Buncha Fruitastica. I had me a fruit salad. 'course it had apples in it, these dumb Apple family hips o' mine darn near got themselves a whiskin' already, I weren't in no hurry ta git in trouble aginn."

"... You're paying penance for your hips?" Dash tilted her head with an eyebrow raised.

"Same as Miss Twilight is..."

"Oh." Dash nodded at once with a wrinkled nose. "I understand now."

"So Sweetie Belle," Bloom returned to the topic, "She had 'er hair up that day, was walkin' funny with real tall steps, like when ya put socks on a cat, 'n' she kept askin' us ta go down ta th' market so's she could git some soap 'n' shampoo 'n' such. Now I tole her, I said, "Sweetie Belle yer always clean 'nough ta eat offa", 'n' she found that incredibly gross ta say fer some reason, I mean it ain't like I was gonna do that, it's just true, she's jes' that darn clean, just about all th' time."

"Like Rarity," Dash nodded. "I wouldn't eat anything off of Rarity either. She might get the wrong idea."

"Miss Rarity's real smart but she seems ta git a lot of wrong ideas." Bloom critiqued.

"Yup."

"So after some arguin'," Bloom yawned again, "We decided alright fine, we'd head down ta th' market, and ol' Diamond Tiara helped herself to an hour of our lives like some kinda time vampire. Weren't no hittin', but Scoots did some yellin'. Ya know she has a funny accent when she gits mad?"

"You have a funny accent most of the time," Dash retorted.

"Oh, okay, kick a filly whilst she's down..." Bloom enunciated. "Whatever. So's we came inta th' market, real crowded, too, I don't remember everypony there... 'cept Rumble. Erry time Rumble sees me he gives me a hassle 'bout my b... uh, he gives me a hassle."

"He's part of the penance for the hips."

"That must be it!" Bloom did a little stomp without getting up. "I got a mind ta sue that jerk fer emotional distress... Anyhoo, th' whole day up ta now Scootaloo was right there with us sure as a snake hisses, heck she stepped on my hooves once or twice. Sweetie got 'er fancy soaps 'n' then we stopped by Miss Bon Bon with our few extra bits, 'n' we were just walkin' off when there were this awful commotion. And afore I got my wits about me, you came walkin' outta th' spa, 'n' well, y' know just so much as me after that."

Rainbow Dash thought it over. She had a hoof on her chin and may have been croaking her throat as if she was puffing a pipe like Rainbow Smart. "So... Scootaloo was right there with you from the morning right up until the commotion?"

"Yep," Apple Bloom nodded.

"And she wasn't carrying a necklace all that time?"

"No way," Bloom scoffed. "Nowhere she coulda kept that without tons o' ponies noticin'. Not unless she shoved it where angels fear ta tread--"

"Ey-ey-ey," Rainbow Dash waved with one hoof and both wings, "You need to quit this 'prison' mindset, Apple Bloom."

"Life already is a prison," Apple Bloom dropped her face onto the rug.

"Uh, yeah, sure," Dash blinked. "Thanks for talking. There's tons of food ready in the house if you're hungry."

"Ah, I see you too're a victim of Applejack's Guilty Grill..." Bloom waved goodbye with her face still against the rug as Dash left the clubhouse.

Rainbow Dash urped and dropped her body low again going down the slightly-unsteady stairs. "Next time," she mumbled to herself, "I need to only put myself halfway in the hospital so Applejack only makes me eat half as much..."

Ch. 6 :: In Which Rainbow Dash Does A Petty Errand

Author's Note

DON'T GOOGLE WHAT A CARBUNCLE IS.

"Carbuncle" is a term for a red gemstone.

Consequently, it is also the name of a mythological creature with no consistent description except that it's a four-legged critter with a red gemstone on its forehead.

But also it is a medical term for a disgusting boil-like growth on the skin that arguably resembles a red gemstone and that is what you will get if you Google it so don't do that.

Ch. 6 :: In Which Rainbow Dash Does A Petty Errand

Rainbow Dash groaned and opened her eyes. "I don't even know what a Carbuncle is," she grumbled, glaring up at the cliffside she'd just clumsily tumbled down. "But they better make me immortal and give me hips like Applejack's for all the pain in the butt they are to find."

She sighed and got up, surprisingly unhurt. As she adjusted her saddlebags, an equine silhouette poked its head out over the lip of the cliff for a second, then ducked back out of sight.

Even empty, saddlebags limited wing movements and altered sense of balance. That's the excuse Rainbow Dash was going with for how one of the best fliers in Equestria, able to go 0 to FAST in half a second from a midair standstill, somehow fell down a cliff. She grumbled and fluttered back into the air without thinking before realizing with a brief panic she had forgotten to check if her wings were okay.

A few minutes later, as Rainbow Dash floated past a river, somebody stuck their head out of the water, staring after her as she passed. Somebody with long, wet navy blue hair, white highlights around the eyes like an orca, a cute little button nose, and a raindrop-shaped gem on the forehead. The mysterious creature's eyes, with their pale cyan sclera and big pupils, narrowed in worry. The big, fin-like ears drooped. Then the head ducked back down without a sound. The equine silhouette just behind skittered back behind the shrubbery a second later.

"From how she described it, I'd guess it's some kind of gemstone," Rainbow Dash reasoned to herself. "Not like she'd accept anything else as part of her magnifique de opal or whatever she called it. Maybe I should be looking in a cave. Too bad Maud Pie isn't here, she'd know all about it." She sighed, then turned her head at a ruffle in the bushes nearby. She saw nothing but the shaking of leaves. "This place is creepy," she shuddered, looking back over her shoulder as she continued on. "For all I know, Carbuncles are some kind of pony-eating monster..."

She jumped at a bleuuww! sound, like an alien laser gun, jerking her head back forward - then wailed, flailing helplessly in the air.

"Hey! Relax!" a high-pitched voice demanded as tiny footsteps rapidly approached. Rainbow Dash opened her eyes gingerly and looked all around. She appeared to be suspended in some kind of giant pink bubble. Not seeing the source of the voice, she wriggled in the air to look down. Then she yelled again.

"Please stop yelling," A foal-sized, fox-like creature was staring up at her with a little pout and huge eyes, blue all over, like sapphires (with no c.) She was pale white from head to toe, except for the gigantic cloud-like fluffs of pink hair assaulting her head. Huge, fluffy twintails competed with bangs split down the middle and tied into rings, much like Yona's tresses. It was this rather overdone hairstyle, and consequent giant fivehead, that had led Rainbow Dash to make her second exclamation. Dash had the urge to pet her floppy sheep-like ears.

Rainbow Dash noticed the creature's fivehead was adorned with a pink gem in a gold frame, with a stem on the bottom - shaped like a spoon with an egg in it. "... Aw come on!" she realized. "Rarity's finally gone off the deep end!"

"What're you talking about?" the creature blinked, then bounced on her paws. "Who ♪ are you ♫ 'n' what ♪ are you doing ♫ trolling around ♪ the forest?" she asked in a sing-song voice with a mildly dangerous undertone.

"My name's Rainbow Dash and my job is getting myself in trouble," the captive mumbled honestly.

"S-Sugarlite, are you okay?" The teal-eyed fish-thing Rainbow Dash had overlooked earlier stepped out next to her; despite the pretty face she could be quite sure that was a he. Other than the fin ears, the shark-like tail, the orca color of his smooth skin, and the raindrop framed in silver on the forehead, he resembled a fox or a cat, much like the smaller one. "You shouldn't have confronted her..." he fretted.

"C'mon, she's tiny," Sugarlite rolled her eyes.

"You're one to talk," Dash frumped.

"Is she a hunter..?" another creature mumbled in a gentle voice. "She hasn't brought any weapons..." Her long hair and tail were green and leaf-like, and she had a teardrop-shaped amber stuck on her head with a wood frame. Also, her eyes were golden, like they too were carved from amber, painted with rudimentary pupils, and shoved in her skull. Finally, she was very... Fluttershy-shaped.

"U-uh," Rainbow Dash stammered, "W-would you folks happen to know what a Carbuncle is? I was, um, not informed of what that is when asked to uh, acquire a sample for a crafts project..." Rainbow Dash had to admit that such a mission was no longer sounding likely or ideal, as Carbuncles appeared to be magical fox things with superpowers, and she consequently heavily emphasized her ignorance, fearing she was about to get turned into a rug by a savage jungle tribe.

"We're Carbuncles! I'm Sugarlite," the little one chirped in a sickeningly sweet tone, and gestured to her companions. " The pretty lady is Ambrulee." She said it Am-bru-lay. "And the cute stud over here is Aquameringue. They're a very lucky couple." Both companions blushed as Sugarlite continued. "Soooo, Miss Rainbow Dash, I don't suppose you were told to, I dunno..." Then she growled. "Rip off our cephaliths..." She raised a paw to gesture at the gemstone on her forehead as the others fidgeted uncomfortably.

"What?!" Rainbow Dash cried. "Absolutely not! Um... I imagine that'd hurt?"

"We'd die," Aquameringue explained timidly.

"Mm-hmm!" Sugarlite grimaced.

"Oh gosh!" Rainbow Dash blushed, feeling ill and ashamed. "N-no, I wasn't told about that..! I swear! I thought I was just gonna find a pretty rock in a cave or something! Ponies don't poach animals!" She swallowed. "Especially not magical animals with superpowers."

Sugarlite gave a raspy sigh, her voice suddenly becoming a bit lower. "Y'know, it sounds like whoever sent you here doesn't know what a Carbuncle is either."

"She probably definitely doesn't," Rainbow Dash concurred swiftly. "She doesn't know a lot of things, if we're being honest, here." Okay, a bit harsh, Rainbow Dash... No, screw you, other Rainbow Dash voice, I'm not getting eaten by someone who looks like Sweetie Belle lost a fight with a blowdryer.

"Then we know exactly what you're here for~!" Sugarlite chirped, back to her former cheer. "C'mon, let's go find a pretty rock in a cave!" With a pop, Rainbow Dash fell to the ground with a yelp, muffled midway by her face being buried in the dirt. Sugarlite turned and began to skip lightly off.

"Please forgive her, she's very impulsive," Ambrulee apologized, bowing her head.

"She's more mature than she's acting right now," Aquameringue added.

"Just like someone I know," Rainbow Dash mumbled into the earth. She peeled herself from the dirt and the three of them followed after the cotton candy creature.

The equine silhouette frowned in the shadows behind them.

"Hm-hm-hm ♪ Lookin' for pretty rocks ♫ La la la ♪" Sugarlite sang, off-key and without much coherent tune, hopping onto various logs and random stones and scouting around.

Y'know, come to think of it, Dash grumped to herself. I'm not the one with the geo magic. Why'm I the one out here looking for rocks?! She frowned and considered. "I don't suppose there are any other Carbuncles around who, uh, have some kind of gem-finding powers?"

"Oh, we don't need to bother that bimbo," Sugarlite waved her off. "She's usually down by the sea anyway."

"We should probably be closer to the mountains," Aquameringue reasoned. "We might run into something out here--"

The earth rumbled beneath them and Rainbow Dash instinctively took to the air. She twisted around to see three stumbling Carbuncles and a roc - not a rock, but a massive angry bird decked out in white and green, recovering from its heavy landing just a few yards behind them.

"I should keep my mouth shut," Aquameringue sighed.

That lasery bleuuww sound flew past Dash's ear as a stretched white ball hit the roc's face and popped.

It leaned back like a limbo dancer, then straightened itself back out with a scowl, paused, and roared.

Rainbow Dash had already dropped down and kicked off, cutting off the roar quickly as she rammed into the roc's throat, knocking it back hacking and coughing. As she bounced off and recovered, a blue bubble surrounded her with a bwooww. Hissing, she flailed for a second before realizing this one was not inhibiting her movement as the pink one did, and was much less opaque, as well.

Looking back at the others, she saw Sugarlite dive into a log, while Aquameringue was surrounded in a similar bubble to her own and staring intently at the roc. Ambrulee was sighing and swishing her tail. Do they all make bubbles, Rainbow Dash wondered. Kind of lame...

She turned her head back forward just in time for her face to have the honor of being the first part of her body struck by a massive wing - but the bubble surrounding her flashed as she was knocked whole-body back and recovered in the air, like a cosmic seatbelt had saved her from a carriage crash. Okay, not lame, she amended. This guy would be a big help in flight practice.

The roc leapt towards her and began batting her around line a pinball. "Waah!| Rainbow Dash could even hear the dings and the little hi-score jingles. "StOop - tURn oFf - tHe bUbBlE ThInG!"

The bubble vanished with a fsssh and Rainbow Dash whacked into a tree upside down, peeling down it with a sliding violin sound. Why do I have only the embarrassing sound effects, she complained. Why don't electric guitars play every time I show up and kick a dragon in the face.

The roc tossed Ambrulee aside - she must have leapt at it to attack - and approached Rainbow Dash, who goggled up at its menacing lean over her. Haha, it's upside-down.

She saw a viny tail slap! harshly between the roc's legs and it jerked, its eyes shrinking to pinpricks and its face turning blue.

An equine silhouette rushed towards her with dainty hoofsteps tapping on glass, muttering something about a concussion.

Huh? Dash considered. Did she just thwack that bird in the -- OH STARS.

The roc fell forward onto her, but there was no impact. Everything was dark and quiet.

"Rainbow Dash." came the unmistakable voice of the Night Princess from somewhere in the blackness.

"Princess." Dash greeted casually.

"Don't ask questions," Luna advised gently. "Take a nap."

"Two of my rules in life." And Dash passed out again.

Dash forced her eyes open and looked up at the sky through an opening in the cave ceiling. Or she thought that's what it was, as it stubbornly remained a bit blurry. Oh, I'm on my back, she fumed. How many times a month can one mare put herself in the hospital, I wonder. She experimentally moved her body parts and hissed when she stretched her wings a bit too far.

"What happened," she asked, slowly and awkwardly sitting up, trying to avoid aggravating her wings further. "... Sugarlite?"

She looked around the empty cavern as the fight with the roc began to flush out of the toilet of her brain. She winced. "Oooooh loons my wings hurt. Yep. Fell on my back. Dang it."

She looked to her left and squinted at the blood-red gems sticking out of the wall, untouched by the rays from above.

Rainbow Dash walked over, turned, then paused. She stretched the rest of her body and felt no agony. So she kicked a bit of the gem off the wall, picked it up by hoof, and moved back to the light.

She winced and dropped it as it erupted into every color and nearly blinded her. Ugh! Is that how I look in the sun! With her eyes still closed, she felt around for it and stuffed it into a saddlebag, careful not to bump her wings.

Ten minutes later... "Hyuuuck!" A full set of saddlebags came flying up out of the hole and landed at its top. Then Rainbow Dash, her wings still injured, clambered up the slow way and collapsed next to them.

"Thanks," She frowned at the general environment. "Thanks for yet another injury that will catch up to me in ten or twenty years. Thanks for the weird dream that embarrassed me in front of Luna again. And I guess thanks for Rarity's stupid razzle-dazzle rocks."

"You're welcome..." a distant bubbly voice sounded, maybe on the wind, maybe only in her mind.

Rainbow Dash kicked the doors to the Carousel Boutique open and dropped her saddlebags onto the table, already covered in exotic fabrics, ingots of various metals, and phoenix feathers.

"Rarity, you psycho!" Dash complained. "I coulda died!"

"Whaaaat!" Rarity stopped pacing and fidgeting and called loudly. "I, can't, hear, you! I, can, only, hear, the, precipice, of, a, fashion, revolution! I, think, the, phoenix, feathers, and, whispering, demons, have, made, me, go, deaf, again! However, I, see, you've, brought, something, back!" She cantered to the table and opened the saddlebags, the gems floating out and shining in every color in the light. She gasped. "This, is, exactly, what, I, was, looking, for!"

Rainbow Dash scowled and held up a hoof in just-a-moment pose, vanished in a puff of rainbow smoke, returned after a second or two with paper, a quill, and a pince-nez, and quickly wrote on the paper.

"Ooooh! Writing, is, a, very, good, idea!" Rarity bellowed. Rainbow Dash set down the paper, gave a raspy sigh, and trotted up her stairs.

Rarity blinked, then lifted up the paper and read the elegant and girlish mouthwriting.

This stuff blinds you if it catches the sunlight. You could easily have found this crud yourself with your fancy geo magic but you might have died since you are not the amazing Rainbow Dash. I need to talk to Sweetie Belle in connection to an ongoing crime investigation. Stop yelling, go see Zecora. ~R.D.

Rarity pouted at the letter, then shrugged. "I'll, see, Zecora, after, I, finish, my, magnum, opus," she muttered to herself very loudly. "And, Sweetie, better, not, be, getting, me, arrested, again!"

Ch. 7 :: In Which Rainbow Dash Has a Crush

"I agree, that is very strange..!"

Rainbow Dash pouted down at the ice cream marshmallow pony, who looked back up at her with the big bright eyes of a filly whose only desires in life were ice creams and marshmallows.

The guest room of the Carousel Boutique was basically Sweetie's room. She only bunked with Rarity for a week or two out of each month, but this was often enough that Rarity had engraved "SENS DU SWEETIE" onto the door in profound calligraphy. It even glowed in the dark - but Sweetie still walked right into the door and bashed her nose whenever she got up in the middle of the night, as Dash had witnessed once when sneaking in so the girls could set up a surprise party for Rarity in the morning.

When Sweetie wasn't home, every time Rarity passed the door her pupils became different sizes and she began muttering to herself something to the effect of, "Noooo, no no Rarity, no, that's Sweetie's room, that is the land of Sweetie's fashion sense and decor..." in between variable amounts of snarls and gagging. Dash'd had to drag her away from the door once while she yelled something about purification and hurled books at it.

Dash was uncomfortable in the room because, despite Rarity's worries, it was exactly the most beautiful room a gal like Sweetie could hope for - and a reminder of Rainbow Dash's own embarrassing past as a wouldbe-fashionista, an interest that vanished overnight as soon as she met Rarity.

White and pink and lilac and purple. Everywhere. Every bit of furniture was so soft and cuddly and cute. Rainbow Dash half-expected the Cutie Mark Crusaders to transform into sailor suit-wearing idols and steal the Heroes' jobs of blowing up bad guys with the power of love. Surely Rarity must have helped put all this together?

"Sweetie Belle," Rainbow Dash sighed, tapping a hoof, "Did you seriously think Scootaloo broke into Town Hall, stole a necklace, and came back to the exact same spot within the two seconds you weren't looking?"

"Of course I didn't!" Sweetie squeaked, and she was suddenly crying.

Rainbow Dash gasped, caught completely off-guard. "W-whoa, what's wrong?" she asked, much more gently.

"Don't treat me like I'm dumb!" Sweetie sobbed. "No one ever listens to me! Especially not Rarity!" She hiccuped and mumbled. "O-okay, so she can't hear anything right now, but..." She went back to yelling. "You're only here because Bloom didn't tell you enough and Scoots is the suspect so you can't trust her. Otherwise you wouldn't even have bothered because I'm the ditz and you're expecting me to just say something stupid!"

Though she was shocked at Sweetie's sudden wild change in demeanor, Rainbow Dash's heart sank with guilt. What was she supposed to say? It was absolutely true, after all. She thought it over and swallowed.

"You're right," Dash admitted, low and full of remorse. "I'm sorry, Sweetie Belle. You're much smarter than we give you credit for and I oughta treat you with more respect."

"... thanks," Sweetie choked. "But that doesn't change that no one is gonna believe that some old lady ran out and threw the necklace at Scoots."

"Huh?!"

"See!!" Sweetie bawled and stamped her hooves.

"Okay, okay," Rainbow Dash soothed awkwardly in a cold sweat. "Let's back it up a bit and collaborate Apple Bloom's story."

"Corroborate." Sweetie Belle inhaled very deeply.

"Who's counting," Dash frowned. "So to start--"

Sweetie began to rant at great length. "They were there when I snuck out of the boutique at sunrise I felt kinda bad but I just couldn't deal with Rarity's screaming anymore she was screaming at ponies who weren't there and at me who unfortunately was and it's torture Spike had to run off before then he was so cute I mean helpful I stared at them too long 'cause I didn't expect to see them and Scootaloo got sassy 'whatever-this-planet's-called to Sweetie Belle, yes, we're really standing here' and she rolled her eyes 'Bloom's skipping chores' and I'm not very good at Bloom's accent so give me some slack here but 'aaah ain't ee-ut's jess this's th' furst day we git togethuh after wut we dee-id'..." Sweetie paused to elegantly hack and cough.

"... I got Rarity the last thing she wanted," Dash offered brightly after a moment.

"Thankyoooou." Sweetie hugged her. She inhaled again. "So we went to the Buncha Fruitastica where everything is fruit and Bloom had a fruit salad and Scootaloo had fruit chips I think she eats too lightly I'm worried it's affecting her wing growth and I had a fruit jello I ate levitating a spork because I did community service with Miss Fluttershy which was really dirty and I felt icky and Bloom said 'Whah're you actin' lahk yew ain't always clean 'nough ta eat offa' and imgonnabarf." She paused to hack and cough some more.

Dash nodded with her wings are serious face, hugged her again, and patted her on the head until she stopped making pukey noises.

Sweetie breathed deeply a few times until she did another big inhale. "So on the way to the market we bumped into Diamond Tiara who is a lot nicer now but was cranky because her mom was being her mom she's a beautiful mare she's just really mean and no one got hurt and we all apologized even though I didn't freakin' do anything and when we got to the market Rumble was there and he bothered Apple Bloom over her big ol' buuuuhherrr big ol' ribbon she wears on her head and she was like 'yer ree-al luckeh Scoo-tuh-lew's on pa-roll raht nao mistur shedclockyagooood'..." She paused to catch her breath again.

"Maybe no more Apple Bloom voice," Rainbow Dash advised.

Sweetie blinked up at her and relaxed. "So I got my favorite soaps and shampoos and as we were heading to the east gate some tall old lady ran out of Town Hall and knocked us over." She paused there and waited.

Dash blinked back a few times. "Remind me to start with you next time I need to question ponies."

"I'm sorry I didn't speak up sooner," Sweetie sniffled down at the floor.

"It's okay." Dash smiled. "You kinda... go along with what everyone else says and does, huh? That's why you didn't say anything when I came out of the spa."

Sweetie nodded.

Rainbow Dash leaned down and hugged her. "Well, I think you're a smart cookie, Sweetie Belle."

Sweetie smiled bashfully in her grasp. "S-so the old lady must've tossed Scootaloo that necklace..."

"Looks like it."

"Gosh, that's inconsiderate."

Dash froze, blinking, then laughed. "Sweetie Belle, she's a thief."

"She could've been a gentlecolt thief." Sweetie huffed.

"Listen," Dash backed up, "You've been really helpful. I'm so sorry I came here not expecting to take you very seriously. Also, I brought a gift." She gave her a sugar stick. "We cool?"

"Weh gool," Sweetie responded, the sugar stick already in her mouth.

"Awesome. Be good to Rarity, okay? I'll see you later." Dash gave a wave-salute with one wing and headed back out.

"I'm always good to Rarity! She's the one who's evil," Sweetie pouted. "Oh." She added, glancing around at the empty room, "Oh, Miss Rainbow Dash left already. She could stand to be more of a gentlecolt too... Mm! Diabetes!"

One might think that Twilight Sparkle, the Hero of Books, might have been offended by another library opening up despite hers being perfectly spacious. Nope. A fool would think that. Anyone who'd known Twilight for about a week would instead predict that Twilight would insist on applying at every library in town. So far as Rainbow Dash was concerned, no one worked in a library because they wanted to. Except Twilight Sparkle.

And they'd be right. "ACK!" Dash bashed her nose on the stone steps, then stood up and headed inside with a ding from the entrance bell. "Hey Twilight," Dash greeted comfortably, fluttering to the counter.

Twilight looked up surprised, then smiled. "Rainbow Dash! What a pleasant surprise to see you here!" She had her hair in a ponytail and a fake pince-nez balanced on her nose. "Can I help you find something in particular?" She frowned. "You know the books are on the shelves and not written on the stairs. Right?"

"A pony, actually," Dash surprised her.

"A... pony?" Twilight blinked. "Um, this is a library --"

"Right, and eggheaded ponies come here to read books," Dash pushed through. "Tall, silver hair, might be some kind of jacked grandma," she continued, waving a hoof flippantly.

"Oh!" Twilight recalled. She leaned to the side and rapidly rolled through a rolodex. "Mm, just a moment," she requested before abruptly stopping the rolodex. "Ah! Here we are. A tall pony with silver hair did come in earlier today." She squinted at the card. "... Dash, can you read this? The signature is a bit indulgent even for me."

Dash accepted the card and raised an eyebrow. Then she put a hoof to her mouth and doubled-over, trying not to laugh. "Tell me that name doesn't start with 'Sapphic'..." she wheezed.

Twilight furrowed her brows and took the card back, examining closely. "... It might..." she admitted, grimacing, then scowled. "Hm, it says this was a stallion..."

"Really?" Dash doubted. "With long, silver hair, sheds enough to leave a trail between here and the plaza? Even Fluttershy doesn't shed that much, and she walks all up and down the park district every week."

"Don't judge, Dash," Twilight scoffed. "A lot of stallions these days wear their hair long." Then she pouted in thought. "Though now that I recall, I was sure that was the face of a young mare..."

"I guess..." Dash conceded to her first point. "Did he leave? I didn't see a second trail."

"Hm, I didn't hear the bell," Twilight tilted her head. "He should still be in the History section, he was really intense about it."

"Aaawww, that's the most boring one," Dash growled. "Where do I find it?"

"Head to the back of the building and take a right," Twilight leaned and pointed. "And um, please don't make a mess on my shift, Dash."

"That depends on him," Dash answered ominously, and flew off at a leisurely pace.

Dash tiptoed over the maze of upturned, dog-eared books. Then she remembered she could fly, and hovered over them, giving disapproving looks. Twilight'll fry this guy when she sees this, she thought. Hope she doesn't think I did it...

"Silly Goose..." she heard a sexy voice muttering. "Why didn't you tell me this..."

Dash set hoof on the floor again and stuck close to a bookshelf, inching closer.

"What did Hodgepodge do..." the voice continued, flipping pages wildly.

Dash poked her head around the corner and paled with wide, unbelieving eyes. She saw bubbles. Those bubbles that showed up in cartoons when the guy of your dreams showed up.

Holy smokes the guy was pretty. A pale cream coat with a delicate face that would shatter like porcelain at a kiss, and the longest hair this side of a Princess, sleek and shining like moonlight. His tail curled this way and that and gave her the distinct image of a manticore's whip. He was an alabaster god with the tresses of angels.

"Excuse me," Dash chanced.

He looked up calmly, without even starting. After five seconds of silence, he frowned at her. "Let me be alone," he said, and looked back to his books.

"Did you steal a necklace from Town Hall?" Dash pushed.

There was a pause of a few seconds. "Traitor." he suddenly accused, glaring and tossing the book aside.

Dash skedaddled back. "Excuse you?!" That was her second-least favorite word right after "school".

"You ignorant traitor, listen well," the strange pony crooned. His voice was like butter and jelly on toast. Dash hoped he was about to fly into a big sexy monologue and was not disappointed. "This land of Equestria could have belonged to Nightmare Moon. Would have, one thousand years ago. She could have delivered us to a promised land of beautiful midnight, with the moon's gentle grace to light our way forevermore, free of the judgmental scalding of the sun. But it was not to be."

Dash nodded with wide eyes, her cheeks red and entire body still.

"There were those who rejected this blessing," he spat. "They insulted her grace with artificial lights. They rebelled against her motherly protection. Her own sister condemned her, and banished her to the moon for one thousand years. And when she returned, what was she? A pale imitation of her glorious true self. A waifu."

"Lot of folks think Luna's pretty cute," Dash concurred.

"But in the golden age," he continued as though she'd said nothing, "Over the years before she was banished, Nightmare Moon left something behind. One thousand years ago, the beauteous locks of the moon were preserved eternally by her faithful followers."

Dash furrowed her brows. I wonder how many hairs the Princesses have shed in their lifetimes, she thought. Is the entire moon covered in loose hairs?

"That and the Night Sky Spellstone," he finished, holding up a dark gem, swirling as though full of stars. "To think that old maid was keeping it in a bauble, unaware of its power... Fufufufu..."

"Wait what?" Dash waved a hoof. "Hold up. That gem was inside the necklace..?"

"They found me in the forest. Did you know that?" he rasped madly. "They told me my father was the forest and my mother was the blood-red moon. And now I understand what they meant..."

Dash suddenly felt very uncomfortable. "Um, I thought Luna's always been single..." And fond of deer, her mind added against her wishes.

"For a thousand years, they have tried to use the Locks of the Moon to produce a successor." Suddenly, he was standing on top of a spire of books, facing away, with his hair blowing in the wind that shouldn't have been indoors. "They wished to produce a scion with the powers of Nightmare Moon... I am the one that was produced."

"Produced?!" Dash scoffed. "What, like kids' toys?! Come on."

"Silly Goose," he whispered. "Finest mind of the Lunar Arcaneum... genius technomage... produced me." He weightlessly stepped down from the spire of books and stepped toward Dash. "Out of my way," he warned gently, "I'm going to see my mother."

Dash awkwardly stumbled aside, turning to stare after him as he walked out. So hot, she appraised. So hot and crazy.

"Have a great day!" she heard Twilight brainlessly call a few seconds later, along with the ding of the library bell as the strange pony left.

Ch. 8 :: In Which Rainbow Dash Is Framed For Everything But Laziness

Rainbow Dash stretched and yawned like a kitty as the sun crept up through her window. "Mm, yeah, didn't suffocate myself this time," she praised herself.

She hadn't been following the sexy creep with the silver hair. He must've run out of loose hairs since he didn't leave a second trail. He said he was going to see his mother, who he thought was Luna. Dash was pretty sure that'd end with Luna eating him for lunch, and she had no leads, so whatever. With Twilight's help, she'd gotten Scootaloo off the hook, so she didn't care anymore. Still, just in case, Twilight had put out an APB on the guy.

Twilight had also gotten suspended from the library because of the mess the pretty boy made all over the History section, and was absolutely livid, saying that Dash should have made some effort, any effort to clean it up before leaving herself. Dash had just kind of gone pigeon-hooved at the accusation, what since Twilight was absolutely right and all.

Dash affectionately patted the signed copy of her own published book, L'Rainbow Savant (and Prune Pédante). She didn't know if those characters' names rhymed or not. She didn't know much, actually; she had a little trouble reading her own book after it went through a publisher and hadn't looked into it too indepth.

She hopped into the shower, choosing "Brisk" this time.

When she descended into Ponyville, everyone turned to look at her, then looked pointedly away with a hush. Huh, she tilted her head, but shrugged and gave it no mind.

She looked both ways and saw no Apple family members, so she skipped up to the produce stall and smiled brightly. "One bag of oranges, thanks."

Her smile faltered as the seller silently handed her the bags and patted her hoof with a sympathetic smile. She started to panic. Uh oh, she thought, Did somepony I know die?

"Hey, um," she started. "What's with the --"

"YOU!!" someone barked from behind her. Dash yelped and spun around, yelping again as she found herself nose-to-nose with Rarity, who for some reason was hiding herself underneath a massive cloak and shawl, like some kind of hunchback. She wasn't hidden per se, as the many layers of cloth obscuring almost her entire body were bordered with white lace and she had a purple ribbon tied around her waist, but if she wasn't so close, Dash would only see her little white nose sticking out.

"Are you still deaf," Rainbow Dash asked. She was rather loud.

"No," she scoffed more quietly. "And you have some nerve prancing around the market of Ponyville after what you've done, Rainbow Dash," Rarity growled, shoving past her. "A bag of oranges, please, and don't tell Applejack, she's in a foul enough mood." Again the seller smiled and nodded, passing her a bag gently and patting her hoof in "there there" motions.

"What're you talkin' about?" Dash whispered. She at least had the tact to realize Rarity didn't want to be seen.

"Don't play dumb with me," Rarity dramatized. "We all know you signed a copy to yourself. Who even does that? Why do you need your own signature? You must be very proud of that rot." She began to trot off in a huff.

Dash wilted, a bit hurt. "H-hey, I know I'm not a very good writer, but that's what Twilight and the publisher were there to help with..."

Rarity paused mid-trot, her nose wrinkling and pout deepening. "Do you mean to tell me that you don't know what's wrong with your novel?"

Dash looked around. The apologetic grimaces of her fellow Ponyvillagers were creeping her out. "Um... no?"

"Follow." Rarity commanded, and cantered off. Rainbow Dash walked with her head low, too self-conscious for the added height of flying.

Rainbow Dash's heart sank as they headed towards Sweet Apple Acres and she heard the distinct sound of Twilight ugly-crying in the bottom level of the barn.

Whenever the girls had a really serious personal issue that wasn't suitable for news headlines or children's TV show plotlines, they went to the barn. Or, as it was called in that scenario, The Barn, with a capital T and B.

Normally, The Barn was the first floor of the Apple family's house, which was - if you can believe it - literally a freaking barn. Applejack actually grew up in a barn. Go figure. However, that only worked if Applejack's family weren't there to eavesdrop. If they were, Applejack would re-appropriate somewhere else, and that'd be The Barn. Sometimes the middle of the orchard was The Barn. Sometimes a janitor's closet in a dark lord's castle was The Barn. Boy, was that an awkward time to have a girl talk.

Twilight's sobbing was a bit loud, so Rainbow Dash had a feeling the entire farm was The Barn and anyone outside of the circle who got close to the gate would be chased off with a stick so they wouldn't hear her.

Rainbow Dash wasn't known for being very smart. However, she was beginning to put the pieces together. It would have been a really good idea to read what the publisher sent back before I okayed it, she suddenly realized. Or... to have read it once ever, at all. She pouted, frustrated with herself. Good job, Rainbow Dunce.

Rarity gave a very complicated series of knocks to the barn door and waited patiently for about five seconds. Then she scowled rather less patiently and knocked again. Then she growled. "Applejack!" she commanded.

"Alright, alright, I fergot th' knock," Applejack sighed, opening the door. "Oh." Her eyes narrowed at the sight of Rainbow Dash, who looked away uncomfortably. "Why's she here."

"Why do you think?" Rarity chirped. "We can hardly be mad at her on the end of her tail, can we? I'm sure Twilight has a lot of choice words for --"

"YOU PLOTSTABBER!" Twilight wailed. "You jerk! Bully! Worst pony!"

"H-hey," Rainbow Dash stammered, rather overwhelmed. "Whatever's in that book can't be that bad."

"I was a scarlet mare," Rarity huffed. "Rose Magnificence my finest hat! As the story went on, she was revealed as more and more and more of a gold-digging heartbreaker! And she liked old dudes. Ugh!"

Applejack tugged at her hat and coughed. "Y-yeah, I never seen you date no ol' stallion!"

"What does your choice of objection imply?!" Rarity roared.

"'n' that second gal who died," Applejack continued on, "Golden Flanks I think ya called her, awful lot of focus on her hair... she were I think a dock worker... had a, um... a fine set of thighs..." Her face gradually reddened.

"Fluttershy won't even leave the home," Rarity pitied. "There are fifty photographers in her bushes, trying to catch any glimpse of that tail of hers! Fifty! I never have more than two outside of my shower window!!"

"You gave me bad grammar," Twilight bawled.

"Wut," Applejack asked.

"Prune Pédante?" Rarity blinked. "Bad grammar? I hadn't noticed..."

"She ended a sentence with a preposition! I've got half a mind to give you what's for!" She stopped crying for a moment. "Oh... wait a minute... Does that count? Or is that a set phrase? Uh, w-w-well you didn't have to talk so much about my butt!"

"Nor mine, please 'n' thank you..." Applejack blushed.

"I didn't -- What?" Rainbow Dash squeaked, blushing. "You looked over my rough draft, I never mentioned your -- I don't even remember having a second victim!"

There was an awkward pause.

"You're right, that wasn't in there," Twilight remembered, sniffling. "... but then why was it in the published version?!"

"Look, after we finished arguing over your revision, I took whatever the heck we had and I threw it at a publisher," Rainbow Dash testified. "Aaaaand I haven't read any of it since."

Twilight jumped out of the barn that was The Barn and grabbed Rainbow Dash by the shoulders, or maybe by the throat. "You didn't check the publisher's revision?"

"I -- bleech -- breathing --"

Twilight let go and stamped her hooves with heavy clouds of dust. "Rainbow Dash! Why in the world didn't you check your publisher's changes?!"

Rarity began sneezing and stepped away.

"I didn't know what an editor was a month ago, how the heck should I have known what a publisher did?!" Rainbow Dash rubbed at her throat with her feathers. "I thought they just... made it go!" She gestured "going" with her wings. "Go out! So ponies can read it!"

"You plumb stupid idjit!" Applejack cried. "How long I been tellin' you never to trust no big city fat cats? Long as ya known me?! 'n' here ya go, only time in yer life ya ever done did a deal with a big city fat cat, and ya just walk right inta their greedy mouth like a mouse after a divorce!"

"Speaking of which, how many divorces does one Miss Rose need?" Rarity sniffed, her nose high. "And it wasn't even any of her exes who snuffed her? I guarantee you any stallion who dares to leave me will want one of us dead or the other."

Rainbow Dash clicked her hooves together. "Did it suck, tho."

"What?" Rarity blinked.

"Was the book any good."

"... Well," she considered. "... it flowed elegantly, was rather rich in vocabulary, didn't dwell too long on any details irrelevant to the plotline..."

"It was fairly scientifically accurate for a normally very creative genre," Twilight admitted.

"Golden Flanks bit a nice big chunk outta th' the guy befer she bit th' dust," Applejack praised.

Rainbow Dash breathed a sigh of relief. "I'll go apologize to Fluttershy."

"Wait," they all said at once.

"What?"

Applejack grimaced. "We're fergettin' someone..."

Back in the skies over Ponyville, Rainbow Dash curled up on the path leading to her altitudinous front door. She'll get distracted and forget I'm here, she thought frantically.

"RAINBOW DAAAAAAASH!" came the banshee shriek from below. "You get down heresies right now before I find a reeeeeeeeeeeally questionable way to get up theresies and show you just how 'plump and matronly' Peachy Pastry is by SITTING ON YOUSIES!"

Rainbow Dash sighed. Maybe I should've self-published.

Ch. 9 :: In Which Rainbow Dash Is So Cute It Makes Her Sick

You're hired!

Rainbow Dash shook Pinkie's cursed voice out of her head as she darted between the tables. Don't look at anyone, Dash, she mentally huffed, red-faced, rushing back and forth in Sugarcube Corner with trays on her wings. Don't drop anything, Dash. Do a good enough job you don't have to leave, but not so good you have to come back.

"Wonderful service, miss! You're faster than sound~!" Flitter praised her, and gave her an extra bit and a knowing, very embarrassing wink. Cloudchaser furrowed her brows in apparent confusion.

"Wow, like, are you new?" Lyra asked, apparently not recognizing her. Dash gave a curt nod and fled. "You look great!" Lyra called after her with her hooves cupped to her mouth. Bon Bon froze, her donut bit rolling off her raised hoof and onto the floor, then flexed that hoof and scowled mightily.

"You free later?" someone she didn't even look at asked. She shook her head, took the bits, and was about to leave when the creep touched her hoof. She froze, dropped out of the air, and looked back.

Her face paled.

"Never seen a waitress as cute as you at Shoo-ga-kyooob Corner," Zephyr Breeze drawled, looking into her eyes. "You look familiar... Have we met?"

No, no, no, no, no, her mind shrieked. And hopefully we never will again. "Nope-thanks-for-the-tip-bye!" she spat quickly and vanished behind the counter faster than anyone's eyes could follow.

"She's totally into me," Zephyr deluded himself.

Pinkie Pie continued to work the register for five minutes before she noticed her new waitress was missing.

She scowled and scouted the area. Bananas don't go with pickles, she thought. Also, if Dashie bounced, I'll do worse than sit on her. I'll... uuummm... switch her bananas with yellow pickles. That'll teach her. As long as she doesn't puke on mesies.

"Paleeeeette?" she called, causing the customers to look all around.

After the Cakes had refused to let her simply buy them off with her book money, Rainbow Dash had agreed to work off the busted door with the minor request that she be in disguise. She found herself running out of excuses to put this off at approximately the time Pinkie threatened to sit on her. She was already nearly unrecognizable just by putting her in a lacy black dress with a white pinafore and mary janes. Then they did her hair up in twintails and she might have been a distant cousin. The fact she gave Pinkie murder-eyes and had the reddest face this side of Luna caught hugging bunnies only made her cuter. Since they were unable to get the colors out of her hair - all the colors - they were working on her new name and were going with "Palette" for now.

"D-down here," Rainbow Dash rasped from next to her feet, shivering.

The baker blinked, then looked down with a pout. Looking back up to see no one was watching, she ducked under the counter with her. "Dashie," she whispered. "You can't pay off your debt like that! This isn't that kind of fanfic!"

"Zephyr Breeze is here!" Dash's teeth chattered. "Why is Zephyr Breeze here!"

"Huh?" Pinkie poked her head back up and saw him. He was looking all around the bakery, too. She ducked back down. "Huh. That's a good sign, maybe he's got a job."

"He touched my hoof."

"Ooooh, no-touchy is part of our policy..."

"Really?" Dash asked hopefully.

Pinkie stared evenly at her. "You just put out a book calling me 'pudgy and matronly'... Then there's Mrs. Cake. Of course it is!"

"Can I look over the policy, real quick?" Rainbow Dash asked. "Just wanna make sure of the terms."

"Wise," Pinkie admitted, fishing parchment out from her mane. "Keep it, I've got copies." Then she blinked and furrowed her brows. "Am I the devil?"

"What?" Dash asked, focusing on glossing over the policy.

"Nothin'. Joke's like three years too old to hit."

"Okay," Dash breathed slowly, "I got this."

"Remember, your name's Palette." Pinkie insisted. Then she gasped and snapped a hoof like fingers. "Pastel Palette."

"Oh come on, stop making it cuter..!"

"It's gotta be two words!" Pinkie rasped. "Who's got a one-word name?!"

Dash began counting on her feathers. "Rarity? Applejack? Flitter? Rumble--"

"Quit stallin' and go help these ponies make bad dietary decisions!!"

"Um, like, waitress?" Lyra wave. Dash tried very hard not to wrinkle her nose at her strange sitting position and ability to "flex" her hoof like a gryphon's talon in a glove. Dash glanced briefly at Bon Bon's very even stare as Lyra continued. "Do you know, like, who painted that?" She pointed at a landscape painting on one of the walls, depicting Rainbow Falls in monochrome. Despite the limited color palette, it was quite striking, as the closer objects were painted more boldly than the fainter background items.

"Uuumm," Dash mumbled, trying to sound as ditzy and brainless as possible. "I think that's like, a locaaaal... What was his name... Uuuuh... Ambrose...? Amber?"

"Oh wow, Ambient Sky did that?" Lyra blinked. "At his age? He's like, ten!"

"I thiiiink that's the name. Like, don't quote me," Dash shrugged. "Did you guuuuys need anythiiiing?"

"Oh, like, nah, I was just wondering." Lyra laughed bashfully.

"Water," Bon Bon asked, glaring daggers sidelong at her companion. "Just bring me the hose, actually."

"Excuse me, miss..." Zephyr crooned.

Dash's neck felt itchy and she forced herself to turn and smile at him. "Yes, sir?"

"What's yer name, darlin'?"

Dash inhaled and exhaled. "Pastel Palette, sir."

"So cute. Would you be an angel and refill this for me? Coffee. Sweet as you." Zephyr blew a kiss. Dash had never accomplished anything in her life so difficult as keeping the smile on her face and not throwing up.

"Sure thing," Dash chirped, taking the cup and turning away.

She froze as he dared to touch her wing with his. He couldn't see, but her eyes were wide and furious. He was a pegasus, he knew better. "What's your favorite danish, hun?" he asked. "Get me the same, if that's okay."

"... Yes, sir." she forced out, and walked back to Pinkie, holding that wing away from her body. There was only one thing stopping her from screaming and running right now: the terror of Pinkie's butt.

"Zephyr's order?" Pinkie whispered, her brows worried.

"He asked for coffee as sweet as me, and whatever my favorite danish is." she whispered back.

"Creepy," Pinkie perceived with a pout.

"Also stupid," Dash scowled. "He has no idea what my favorite danish is."

"But ♪ I ♫ do ♪" Pinkie sang quietly.

Dash thought it over and slowly smiled.

"I'll do the coffee sweet," Pinkie reasoned. "He might drink it first."

Dash could have hugged her.

"Here you are, sir," Dash crooned, setting down a rainbow-swirl coffee and the Pastel Palette Special. She blushed legitimately. "Miss Pinkie insisted on the sweetest coffee she could manage..."

"Smart gal," Zephyr condescended, "Knows a darling when she sees one."

Two things prevented this from angering Dash further. One, envisioning herself spinning his face around with a punch like that duck in the cartoons. Two, remembering what she had just put in front of him to eat. "Do you mind if I sit here for a minute?" she cooed, sitting at the table across from him, patiently crossing her forehooves on the table.

He blinked in surprise. "Taking a break? Or have I caught your eye?"

Dash blinked, which she was sure he took as batting her lashes. I'd like to catch your eyes with a backhoof, she thought behind her endearing smile.

He sipped the coffee and choked. "Oh, wow," he coughed, "That's pretty sweet!" Dash's grin only widened as he lifted the danish, full of sticky red stuff. "Hm, what is this, strawberry?"

He took a big bite, paused, blinked three times, made a sound like "HOOOBPPFFTH" with his eyes watering, and belched flames, causing the other patrons to whip their heads around in alarm.

"Uuurgh!" he groaned, doubling over onto the table with his eyes watering. "Wh-what -- Did you poison me?!" His suave demeanor had completely vanished. "Aaaaaaagh, it buuuurrnns!"

"It's not poison, you wuss. My favorite danish is a house specialty," Dash continued over his sobs as though everything was normal. "It's called the Pink Death. The peppers are a patented hybrid." She produced a second such danish, took a bite, chewed for a few seconds, went "HOOOBPPFFTH", and sighed blissfully as smoke escaped her mouth and nostrils. "Great for the sinuses."

"R-Rainbow Dash, you miiiinx!" Zephr moaned into the tablecloth, finally catching on. "Y-you don't have to dress up like a siren a-and play tsundere for my hea-ha-heaaaart..." He continued pathetically crying.

"S-siren?!" Dash's smile dropped immediately. "Quit the kirin-talk, pal, you're the one who picked today of all days to be here!"

With his face still against the table, he reached out and touched her forehoof again. "Izz deztinee," he unceremoniously slurred between coughs.

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot," she pulled out the policy and shook it at him. "Sugarcube Corner has a strict no-touching policy with the staff. Go on, read what it says."

"Oh?" he took the policy and looked it over with his nose running. He glanced up at her. Back down at it. Back up at her, now batting her eyes for real. "Aw come on..."

Dash delighted in the whoosh and short, crisp "AAAH" as she threw him out the door, clapping her hooves and closing her eyes with a smile.

She froze and opened her eyes at the sound of applause, turning slowly to see everyone cheering at her and a certain pinkster leaning over the counter with her head on one hoof and a saucy look.

"Uh ooooh ♪" Pinkie sang, "Someone's ♫ the most popular ♪ waitress ♫ we've ever haaaad ♪"

Rainbow Dash waved her wings around frantically. "No no no--"

"You're SUPER hired!"

Ch. 10 :: In Which Rainbow Dash is Bored Out of Her Feeble Mind

On a hill overlooking Ponyville, a sweet yellow pegasus sat content in the sun, smiling with each cool breeze ruffling her sakura-pink hair, her eyes closed, her ears swiveling to follow the birdsong that danced through the trees.

"Ooooh," she praised, "The wheat-thresher robins are especially beautiful this year! Aren't they, Rainbow Dash?" She turned to her right and opened her eyes.

"... Huh?" she blinked, seeing no one there. "... Rainbow Dash?" She turned back to her left.

She frowned, got up, and turned again, now finding Rainbow Dash sitting next to her. "Eeep!" she squeaked, and leapt into the air.

"Aw, yeah, it's great," Rainbow Dash returned, nodding with a big fake smile. "That thing, that uh, you said, it's awesome."

Suspiciously pouting, Fluttershy dropped back down and lay next to her again. "I love the calls of birds looking for special somebirdies," she cooed to the skies, "Don't you think it's just wonderful?"

Five seconds later, she felt another breeze and heard Dash's response. "Yup, super cool."

Without moving the rest of her, Fluttershy stuck a hoof out and put it on her shoulder. "Rainbow Dash, if you run off one more time, I'm going to cry. A lot."

"Whaaat?!" Rainbow Dash inhaled. "Me?! Run off?! I'd never!"

"You didn't even hear the corn-cobbling robins just now..."

"Sure I did! They make the buzzsaw noise, I heard it -- OH!" Dash's wings locked in place and her whole body shook as Fluttershy, now standing, gave her about half of a Stare.

"Rainbow Danger Running-Off Dash, please do not lie to me!" Fluttershy gently scolded. "The corn-cobbling robin isn't even out this time of year, it's the wheat-threshing robin, as you would have heard me say if you hadn't run off..." She sniffed. "I don't appreciate you... skipping out on me!"

Dash drooped. "You're right..." she admitted. "I'm sorry. I... have a lot of trouble sittin' still."

"I understand," Fluttershy sympathized. "You always preferred P.E. to the classroom... But you made a promise you'd spend today with me..." Now her eyes were big and sad.

"You're right, I did. I'll stay within speaking distance," Dash offered, feeling guilty. "I just need to stretch my wings out."

"That's perfectly fine," Fluttershy beamed. "But please don't scare the birds."

"I'll go slow," Dash relented with a sigh.

"Where... the heck are we, Flutters?"

"Oh!" Fluttershy jumped a bit, suddenly remembering she needed to explain that. She fell onto her face with a yelp and carefully rose. "I thought you might appreciate a change of scenery... Um, this is Tree Hugger's yoga class."

"You sure it's not a dojo?" Dash raised an eyebrow.

They were standing on an agonizingly-polished hardwood floor, surrounded by shoji walls. While Rainbow Dash wisely floated a hand or two off the ground, Fluttershy was having trouble standing, slipping like a deer trying to ice skate. Both of them winced from the glare of the wax.

"... I can't say for sure..." Fluttershy considered. She jumped and collapsed again at the sound of someone approaching.

"Whoooaaa," Tree Hugger greeted them, striding effortlessly across the slippery floor. "Like, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash... Suuuuh girls..?" After a beat, she slowly raised her head and pouted up at Rainbow Dash, her eyes still relaxed. "Mare... you gotta embrace the challenge... don't fly away from your difficulties..."

"What?" Dash deadpanned.

"I think she wants you to land, Rainbow Dash..." Fluttershy translated. Tree Hugger nodded, still smiling.

Scoffing, Dash relented and dropped, immediately slipping and falling with a squeak.

"You gotta become one with the floor," Tree Hugger explained.

"Is that so," Dash retorted, her face smack against the ground.

"So, like... you mares here to find inner peace? Far out... farther in," Tree Hugger mumbled. She beckoned with one hoof while moonwalking back into the next room.

"I'm not imbibing anything," Dash hissed to Fluttershy, struggling to get back to her hooves. "No matter how much I gotta for this to make sense."

"Rainbow Dash..!" Fluttershy gasped. "Tree Hugger doesn't..." She paused at Rainbow Dash's half-lidded stare and sighed. "Well I don't, and I won't ask you to, either..."

"I'm glad we're good enough friends to understand each other," Rainbow Dash sassed.

The two of them gradually tap-danced into the next room.

"Be the tree," Tree Hugger said, standing on one hoof and contorting the rest of herself into a vaguely spruce-like shape. "The child of the forest is the tree."

"I would love to be a tree," came the chorus in response, Fluttershy a bit more passionately than others. She and Rainbow Dash were the only ones who'd copied the pose. The others varied from wobbly ballerina poses to falling on their faces.

"The path to enlightenment is full of bumps and bruises," Tree Hugger apologized, switching to a narrow, javelin-like stance, "But trees are tough. You can't punch a tree down." She paused. "Unless you're really strong, but most ponies can't do that..."

"Trees are pretty tough," came the chorus. Again, only Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash copied the stance perfectly, though it seemed the class was a little more on-point for this one. Fluttershy blushed, grateful that no one was looking her way.

Fluttershy had to admit, she was surprised Rainbow Dash was behaving so well. She wasn't complaining, or looking around, or anything. Fluttershy felt guilty for mistrusting her friend. She should let Rainbow Dash decide the next activity. Fluttershy felt she had been very bossy today.

"This one might be kind of hard..." Tree Hugger admitted. "... so it's okay if you can't do it. But trees are resilient. Even carried away by floods and buried upside-down, they persist through adversity." She was now standing on one fore-hoof, her other limbs spread out for balance.

"U-um!" Fluttershy shrank. She didn't have the nerve to take a candid stance like that. But Rainbow Dash did, without any delay or apparent difficulty. Fluttershy knew Rainbow Dash's front legs were pretty strong - she could beat Applejack in foreleg-wrestling - but she found her ease in this posture to be amazing. Also, her confidence. Even Pinkie would think twice about exposing herself so freely. ... Well, usually after doing so...

"Even trees need to rest," Tree Hugger mumbled, now sitting with her legs crossed and her front hooves pressed together like she was praying. "They rest evermore, evergreen. They silently ruminate over the untold arcana of the aether, reading the flow of the life force and pondering forthcoming designs."

"Huh?" the class answered in sync, though this pose at least was easy. Fluttershy's ears pricked as she realized Rainbow Dash hadn't been joining in any of the choruses.

Tree Hugger sat there quietly smiling... until her ears pricked as well, turning this way and that to locate a strange sound as the rest of her stayed stock-still. Her smile dropped slightly. "... That's some weird juju..." she pondered as the noise grew louder.

Suddenly paling and then going red with intense embarrassment, Fluttershy realized what the strange noise was and why Rainbow Dash was so calm and cooperative. She suddenly wished she could make like a tree and get out of here, never to show her face in public again.

"Rainbow Dash," Tree Hugger drawled, "Trees are wonderful creatures with many wonderful traits, but they don't snore..." She waited a beat, then sighed. "Rainbow Dash!" she called sharply.

Fluttershy cringed and hid her face. Oh dear, she's lost her mojo, she fretted. I'll have to apologize to her...

"Sssnrk-huh?" Rainbow Dash answered, her eyes blinking open. "Oh, uh, I wanna be a tree 'n' stuff..."

"How do you play!" Fluttershy managed to yell fearfully.

She had to yell, for she could hardly hear herself over the dings and beeps and chatter of the local arcade. Rainbow Dash had gotten to pick the next activity, and she picked the arcade. Now they were staring at an air hockey table. Fluttershy poked at one of the strikers, as though afraid it would come to life and attack her.

"It's easy!" Rainbow Dash loudly assured her. "You put your hoof on this thing - it's called a striker - and you smack the puck with it! The table is slippery and has air blowing out so it slides really far! You wanna try to smack it so it goes into my goal here!" She pointed at the slot on her side of the table. "I'm gonna try to get it to go into yours!" She pointed at the other slot on Fluttershy's side.

"That sounds violent!" Fluttershy protested feebly.

"You're not trying to hit me!" Rainbow Dash clarified. "C'mon, give it a shot, it's fun!"

"Okay..!" Fluttershy ceded, and gingerly put her hoof on her striker, leaning clumsily over the table.

Rainbow Dash took her place at the other end, smirking.

"Eh!" Fluttershy squeaked, lightly tapping the puck.

Dash's smirk fell as the puck slowly slid towards her. "Fluttershy..." she pouted. "Like this!"

CRACK!

Fluttershy squeaked and jumped back as the puck rapidly zig-zagged down the table and cleanly scored into her goal. She dropped back down timidly, then squeaked and leapt back again as the puck clattered into the side pocket.

Dash sighed. "Fluttershy, come on. Grab the puck and put it back on the table! I scored, so you hit first again."

"O-Okay..!" she relented, gently setting the puck back down. "I guess I need to hit it harder... Oof!"

Once again, the puck slowly meandered towards Rainbow Dash. She quietly growled, hoping Fluttershy wouldn't hear over the commotion.

CRACK!

Once again, Fluttershy jumped away from the table.

"Stop doing that!" Dash complained. "Do I have to play against myself? Come on, Fluttershy! As long as your hoof's on the striker it won't hurt you! Look, if you win, I'll help you knit a dumb sweater for one of your squirrels!"

"Do you mean it?" Fluttershy called.

"Yeah!" Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes.

"Okay! I'm sorry! I'll really do it this time!" Fluttershy promised, pouting. "Give me a second!" She closed her eyes and went into some sort of trance.

"Really!" Dash objected, leaning onto the table with one leg and waiting impatiently.

Fluttershy inhaled, exhaled, smiled, and set the puck on the table. Dash jumped up and seized her striker, not looking enthused.

Fluttershy silently tapped the puck, once more slowly gliding towards Rainbow Dash. "Oh come on!!" Dash cried.

CRACK!

Fluttershy instantly moved her striker to a corner. Dash's puck pinballed down the table, bounced off of Fluttershy's striker, and zig-zagged back into her own goal in a blink. Dash stared, then looked down as the puck clattered into the pocket on her side.

"Oops!" Fluttershy called brightly.

"What." Dash wondered, fishing the puck out and holding it at leg's length like it had fallen from space. She glanced back at Fluttershy's innocent smile and back to the puck. Then she raised an eyebrow and set it down. "Uh... My turn to hit!"

CRACK!

Fluttershy flicked her wrist and deflected Dash's straight shot. Her wings jerking in surprise, Dash moved her striker just a bit too far forward, the puck bouncing off and into her goal once more.

Dash blinked, lost for words, then nodded and silently set the puck back down. "Okay, you asked for it..."

Two red-faced pegasuseses flew out of the arcade, their forelegs hanging limply.

"I can't believe everyone stopped to watch," Fluttershy mumbled.

"I can't believe you sharked me," Rainbow Dash rasped. "I'm so proud of you."

"O-oh my, I didn't mean to put on a false pretense," Fluttershy deflected. "Um... Did you have fun?"

"Of course I didn't have fun! I didn't win!" Dash objected.

After a pause, they both dropped and began laughing. "Hahaha! Ow, haha, oh man my hooves hurt," Rainbow Dash guffawed.

"The dumb puck kept flying off the table and smacking our wrists," Fluttershy giggled. "You owe Shirley a sweater, by the way..."

"What?!"

Ch. 11 :: In Which Rainbow Dash Is Just So Darn Cool

Rainbow Dash shifted in her sleep. "... a billion combo trials..." She tried to ignore the deep rumbling noise. "... big... key... stolen... creatures... funny accents... fightin'... herds...." She fluttered her eyes open. "... what's all that noise..." she mumbled. Sounded like everyone in Ponyville was on a rollercoaster - so much rumbling and screaming. Also, this constant, high-pitched droning sound, like Fluttershy was outside her window practicing her choir voice. "What freakin' time is it."

She glanced at her cloud clock, but couldn't see it clearly. "Why's it so dark?" She jumped out of bed. The silhouettes carved into her stained glass window were lit upon the floor, but all else was nearly pitch black.

She turned to look out the window and leapt back with a roar. "Why's the moon so freaking big?!" Indeed it was massive, as though it were about to fall right onto Ponyville.

Oh snap, the moon's actually gonna fall on Ponyville. she concluded.

She heard that weird rumbling again, and the screams became louder. In a flash she was out her front door.

There was no roller-coaster -- the entire city was shaking from earthquakes, lit in purple and red and coated in fog, like that one horror game with the sex monsters, the golden-yellow moon blinding and nearly filling the sky.

She dropped down into the market next to Octavia and Vinyl, huddled together in an abandoned fruit stall and shaking. "What's going on?!" Dash shrieked.

She looked to the north as the two of them pointed wordlessly and saw black clouds rumbling with thunder over Canterlot. By Celestia's embarrassing high school photos, she thought, her wings falling limp. Did that sexy bastard bring back Nightmare Moon?

"Where are Twilight and the others?" Dash demanded.

"Canterlot!" Apple Bloom called as the Crusaders ran to her from the porch of Town Hall. "They're already gone!"

"Then I'd better mosey before the moon gets tired waitin'," Dash concluded, and she was in the air - though a bit low, glancing nervously up at the moon as though she was afraid of hitting her head on it.

"She's so cool," Scootaloo assured herself, shuddering.

She didn't even glance at the train station. Even if she wasn't unfathomably faster, there was no way the trains would be running during the end of the world.

They shouldn't have gone off without me, she fretted. Need all of us together. Need to hit this dude with the friend beam. She tried not to think about Twilight or Fluttershy taking Mr. Button-Nose on in a fight. He clearly hadn't been eaten alive by Luna, after all.

Dash touched down at the gates to Canterlot. The guards were KO'd. She leaned down briefly to check their pulses, sighing in relief when finding them alive. Then she kicked off again, under the gate, intending to rise up past the rooftops and gun it to the castle.

Poof!

"Ribbit?" What? Rainbow Dash questioned, plopping to the ground with a wet slap. She blinked, croaking, before straining to try to look closer at herself. "... Ribbit." ... I'm a frog, she deadpanned in her head. "Ribbit." I'm going to kill this guy. At least she was a cool frog. She was really colorful.

Try and catch me, she perceived someone saying in a "ribbit", and she turned to see a huge brown-green toad, easily twice her size, awkwardly dancing, slowly spinning in circles without a care in the world.

"Ribbit!!" Dash croaked furiously. C'mere, you! She attempted to canter after it, slipping on her frog-feet and falling on her face.

The dancing frog elegantly hopped away and resumed its annoying dance. "Ribbit~ ribbit ribbit..." it mocked. Better hurry~ or you'll be stuck like this forever...

"Ribbit..." Dash growled, which we will leave untranslated. Watching her opponent's movements, she attempted to copy them to leap after in pursuit, though she did not find much success.

"Ribbit ribbit!" her opponent danced jovially. The moon's falling!

As Dash backed away, she noticed the other frog slightly approached. Huh, she thought. He's staying just over a hop or two away... Maybe he has to stay close to frogify me... She suddenly got an idea and turned, clumsily scrambling away with the occasional very poorly-executed leap.

"Ribbit ribbit!" her harasser chirped, following easily after her. Not likely!

"Ribbitribbit," Dash swore again - the soft bottoms of ponies' hooves may have been called frogs, but she wasn't having much luck learning how to frog. Still, after several agonizing minutes, during which she managed to elevate herself from drunken floundering to inefficient somersaulting, she found what she was looking for, catapulting herself into a fountain within a small plaza.

"Ribbit??" her pursuer questioned. Water?? He hopped onto the lip of the fountain and resumed dancing, though he no longer spun around, peering intently at the water's surface.

Ha, Rainbow Dash smirked to herself, flat against the bottom of the fountain, hiding under the splash where the water fell into the basin. Not like you could pull of those sick dance moves underwater, pal. You're gonna have to stay up there.

Then she scowled. Of course, I, Rainbow Danger Am-a-Frog Dash, am just as lousy a swimmer as I am a leaper, and I can't stay here forever. This water's probably chlorinated, and I'm not sure how good frogs are at water-breathing. Fortunately, her idea wasn't done yet.

Plip!

"Ribbit!" she heard the warbled call of her aggressor through the air-water barrier at the strange sound. There! And he hopped quickly around the fountain, resuming his dancing, scanning the water where he must have thought he saw movement.

Several seconds passed in silence. "Ri rib ribbit..." it called. I know you're in there...

He abruptly found a bright red tongue flicking out of the water and directly onto his face. "Ri--" Wh--

"Riribbit." Here I am. Dash called in transit.

CRACK.

With the first flick, Rainbow Dash had learned how long her tongue was. When her opponent changed his position, she moved slightly, fired her sticky tongue directly at his face, and - as he was much heavier than she was - yoinked herself out of the water, ramming directly into him. She liked to think there was a still frame and her theme song started playing when her tongue exited the water.

The two of them tumbled off of the fountain. As Dash struggled to her feet - "Blech! Blech, I've got frog-mouth" - she heard the familiar click-clack of her hooves against the marble. She quickly looked around and under her, not particularly wanting to step on the toad.

She squeaked as it leapt out from under her, spinning and tumbling into the grass, then stumbling around with swirly eyes. "RiBbIt~" it burped groggily, toppling over and reaching up at invisible somethings with one froggy hand.

Dash blinked. I guess I was one of those kinds of frogs, she concluded. Good thing Tree Hugger wasn't here, she shrugged and took off into the sky.

Rainbow Dash rose up to Celestia's balcony, took one look at the thing standing there, and dove beneath said balcony, hugging the spire's wall.

"What in the name of Rarity without her makeup is that?!" she shrieked aloud as a storm of death swirled off the balcony and into the night, with the most hideous roaring belch this side of Pinkie after taco night.

She quickly flittered up then down, only glancing briefly to confirm. Once more, a baleful maelstrom of black miasma billowed out and over the balcony edge, dissipating in the sky. Dash covered her mouth and nose, closing her eyes, unsure of its toxicity. Could this thing render Canterlot uninhabitable?

She had definitely seen a huge pair of kissy lips on a stalk with a ton of green tentacles surrounding it. Is that some kinda plant? she conjectured. Did Sapphic or whatever his name is create that thing? Surely those things can't be natural on some part of this planet! She'd have to ask Fluttershy about it. Maybe Zecora.

She popped up one more time, this time going extra high, so she could watch exactly what it did. As it scrunched up its big lippy face, shaking its head manically, she backed away, watching intently.

Then she saw it barf black goo all over the balcony, which quickly expanded into a heavy, nauseous-looking gas, vanishing as it spilled over the edge.

I should really find another way in, she considered, watching it repeatedly barf in her general direction, so bizarrely fascinated she forgot to feel sick.

But then I wouldn't be Rainbow Dash, she rationalized, dropping back down out of its line of sight and approaching under the balcony once more.

She looked down, leaning side to side so her parallax would let her judge the distance to the bottom. She nodded professionally.

Then she dropped all the way down to the bottom of the tower, kicked back up, reached just under the speed of sound, and rammed the underside of the balcony as hard as she could, immediately retreating to a safe distance.

There goes my book money, she smiled sadly, wincing in soreness as the balcony crumbled to bits and the horrible barfing plant monster fell to its doom with the crash of trash cans and angry cats. Honestly, I can't believe there isn't a class action against us Heroes of Harmony yet.

She fluttered to what was left of the balcony, struggling to open the doors outwards without the proper footing. Still she managed, entering Celestia's bedroom. "Hello?" she called. If nothing else, it might provoke whatever monster was in there to reveal itself ahead of time.

"R-Rainbow Dash..?" Celestia groaned.

"Princess?!" Dash cried in disbelief, squinting to see in the darkened bedroom.

Strangely, it seemed that the place had not been seriously affected, except that Princess Celestia was candidly flopped onto her side on her bed, covered in cuts. Rainbow Dash gasped and cringed - Celestia had taken cuts everywhere. Her opponent had certainly not been a gentlecolt. Fortunately, she was not actively bleeding, though her white mattress was stained rust.

"A-are you okay?" Dash worried.

"I am in no condition to fight that equine monster - he was far too quick, and overwhelmed my defenses," Celestia coughed. "That... that creature you just saw, it reminds me of when Luna and I shared a bathroOoOM--" She heaved and made the sourest lemon face Rainbow Dash had ever seen, coughing for several seconds.

"This is no time for jokes! Have you seen the others?" Dash worried. "Where's your sister?"

"The other five witnessed my indignity and pursued him at my insistence... Luna was in her room last I knew," Celestia reasoned. "The madpony likely headed there, and the others would have followed. I've not seen them."

"Are you going to be alright?" Dash repeated.

"Being alive hurts," Celestia complained. "But Luna did worse when I was under Daybreaker's spur... I made it back here, after all... If the moon does not fall on our heads, I will recover," She assured her. "Go, they need you."

Rainbow Dash quickly bowed, rose, and headed out of her door into the hallways, closing it behind her. She heard Celestia locking it with her magic followed almost immediately by snoring. Dash continued on, her heart hot and fiery with worry and rage.

Dash took one look and her eyes went dark.

Along with several royal guards, Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie, and Fluttershy were scattered around the luxurious hall to Luna's room like bowling pins. Like Celestia, they were covered in cuts and dried blood. Twilight's and Rarity's horns. Fluttershy's wings. All over all of them.

Silver-locks, the sexy creep, stood in front of Luna's door, still as a cat. "Mother, I'm here to see you," he said patiently.

"Go away," came Luna's muffled voice from the other side. Dash wasn't surprised to hear that she sounded uncharacteristically terrified. So would Dash if some hot piece of work showed up claiming to be her son, trying to turn her back into the most evil thing she'd ever been, cutting up her sister and best friends.

My best friends, her heart burned.

"Please open this door," the stallion continued. "Mother, let's take this world back together. Isn't it a splendid idea? To honor this imperfect world with the blessing of darkness?"

"Yu mo gui gwai fai di zao... yu mo gui gwai fai di zao..." Luna began repeating to herself.

"You." Dash cried, pressing her hooves against the ground in her battle pose. Well, okay, her angry cat pose. "Who are you."

The stallion turned to her with a pout. "Do you mind," he cooed evenly, "I'm trying to talk to my mother."

"I do mind, actually," Dash answered evenly. "Name. Now."

He sighed. "I suppose you'd do well to learn the name of your eternal steward," he conceded. "You may call me Seraphic Nova in the time left to you."

"Seraph it is, then," Dash snarled. He scowled, as though offended by the shorthoof. "You're a real looker, ya know that," she continued. "But you're also a jerk. Maybe Faust might forgive a pretty boy like you, but I won't. What the heck do you think you're doing?!"

He tilted his head curiously.

"I woke up to find my hometown in chaos!" Dash cried. "Because the moon is falling! My family must be terrified! My friends are lying all around broken and sliced up like peeled potatoes!"

"Reminds me of when I insulted Applejack's parents," Rarity slurred.

"Reminds me of when I insulted my parents," Applejack added.

"Please remind me what happened in the last five hours, I'm totally blank," Twilight moaned.

"I was there for the beginning of all this and know not what the daffodil is going on," Luna bemoaned from behind her door.

"Raaaaaaaaaaagh!" Rainbow Dash shrieked. "Where do you get off?!"

"Hahaha," Seraph chuckled. Dash hated chucklers, only Applejack got away with it. "They've come again, mother. Unbelievers... They do not believe in your power, your wisdom, your beauty."

"'Tis a really weird thing to speaketh to thy mother," Luna protested.

Seraph's tail twitched and straightened, pointing in Dash's direction one or two body lengths behind him, and in an instant she realized how he had inflicted those wounds. "Mother..." Seraph shuddered. "You were meant to rule this world... These worthless creatures are stealing your kingdom... But now I'm here with you. You don't need to worry. You don't need to be sad anymore."

"... Sad?" Luna repeated blankly. "I am befreaked as all getteth out!"

"Sad?!" Rainbow Dash screamed. "What about our sadness?! Look what you've done to everyone in this castle! Look what you've done to my friends!"

"Dashie," Pinkie mumbled, "You really oughta run from this guy..."

"He'll whoop you but fierce," Applejack attested.

"Oh let her try!!" Fluttershy hacked and wheezed in the rough rasp of some stranger. "She can hardly do any worse than we did!"

"H-have you seen Princess Celestia," Twilight wheezed. "Is she okay..?"

"She's a tough old girl, she'll bounce back," Rainbow Dash growled, still glaring at Seraph. "You think you're such a hot tamale because you're pretty! But you're not a hot tamale! You're an enchilada! Greasy and sloppy and it falls apart when you try to eat it! My hooves are itchy. My throat runs dry. My heart burns with thunderous anger! You're in cirrus trouble, buddy - and the saddest one here is you!" Dash spat.

"... Sad?" Seraph smirked as though she'd been making perfect sense. "Me? What do I have to be sad about? I'm the chosen one. The faithful attendant of the moon. Her shield..." He jabbed his obscenely long tail in Dash's direction. "... and her sword."

Something in Rainbow Dash snapped. Her Princess, her best friends, broken and battered on the floor. And he was smirking.

Looking over his shoulder at her with a manic grin, he raised a hoof and began to... gather something, some strange magic that gathered in the air near his chest and turned the hallway even colder. "What am I supposed to be sad about?" he taunted.

Immediately kicking off with a cloud of dust, Rainbow Dash crossed the distance between them in a blink, skipping right past the tail. "YOUR FACE!" she roared. His eyes widened in surprise and he turned to thrust that glowing hoof at her, his tail starting to curl back towards her, as her back hoof spun towards his chin.

KABLAMMO!!

Everything went black.

Ch. 12 :: In Which Rainbow Dash Is Best Pony For a Day or Two

"MOVE IT."

A gap formed in the crowd outside of a mid-sized palisade, centered around something that was snarling and squeaking. Amidst the excitement of the village, past the streamers and signs and posters of every color, Rarity somehow tore through the vulgar masses and made her way awkwardly into Hayburger's plaza, approaching the big table. Squeak. "Curses." Squeak. Squeak. "Curse every pretty stallion to Tartarus. Except Shining Armor." Squeak, squeak. "Only good colt in Equestria and the goddess of love had to snap him up before I even met him. Curse her too. Even if I was probably ten when they got together."

"Mornin', Rarity," Applejack smiled. "Pardon me fer not wavin'..." One of her front legs was still in a cast and she needed the other to keep her balance.

"Oh poor you," Rarity spat, leaning forward in her ivory-and-amethyst wheel-walker to jab a hoof at her, with one of her back legs also in a cast. "What I would give for my only troubles to be that I couldn't wave at ponies!"

"Ya ever try ta buck apples with two legs on the ground? Sit down 'n' eat you some star-crossed burgers," Applejack rolled her eyes.

"It's pretty hard standing on two legs," Twilight nodded. She had casts on her wings.

"I'm very proud of my legs," Rarity huffed, raising her nose. "Or at least I was! When I could use them!" she snarled. "Someone be a dear and help line me up."

"Come on, Queenie," Pinkie beamed, looking absolutely fine. "It's not that bad." She skipped lightly behind Rarity and began to clumsily swing her around, to her distress. Rarity batted her away and finished wriggling herself into alignment by grabbing the table and moving the entire planet around herself.

"Oh Rarity, please be optimistic," Fluttershy cooed. She was covered in cute band-aids with hearts. "You just have a sprained cannon... There are so many ponies who can never walk without assistance... We're all very lucky..."

"No! Seraph is lucky!" Rarity scowled. "Because if he took my legs from me permanently... I'd smash them!!"

"Suuuuh girls," Rainbow Dash yawned, floating in with her wings holding her up like she was a loose marionette. "Sorry to hear you're sufferin' so much, Rares. Ya want me to help walk you home? Maybe," she yawned again, "Maybe help out 'round the shop..."

"I can help."

Rarity blinked, her outraged fire suddenly gone. She looked both ways and swallowed self-consciously. "Oh, um. Thank you, Rainbow Dash. As long as you girls are by my side, I won't want for anything even if I am completely crippled. But you look exhausted, you need rest."

"... I said I could help."

"Absolutely," Twilight nodded. "My schedule's pretty open - as long as I don't have to fly, I can help Rarity." She glanced over herself self-consciously, scuffed but otherwise intact other than the wings.

"I may be able to make time to help with the couture," Fluttershy offered. "I only have superficial cuts." She squirmed and looked down ashamed, opening her mouth to continue.

"Don't start." Rainbow Dash's head suddenly popped up to look at her. Dash stretched all her limbs and her neck and glared around at everyone. "I don't want any of you feeling guilty like you didn't fight that nutcase hard enough. I shoulda been there with all of you, and I'm the least injured, so if you're gonna blame someone, it's my fault... I'm a lousy Element of Loyalty." She looked down bitterly.

"I think you all could use some work, considering?"

"Are you kiddin'?" Applejack almost laughed. "Soon as you saw what he did ta us, you took him down somethin' fierce. Pow, right in th' kisser, loyalest thing I ever saw."

"Look, let's not worry about that," Twilight reasoned. "That's not what today's about." Right on cue, her stomach rumbled. She blushed deeply. "Hay Burger may not be the healthiest option, but it's something to help us get our strength back up."

"Oh wow, like, hi guys!" Lyra waved as she approached, her horn glowing golden under her red cap. An enormous ghostly golden hand was holding a clipboard next to her. "I didn't know you girls ate here!"

"... I didn't know ya worked here," Applejack returned.

"The Ponyville economy is, like, mega dynamic," Lyra nodded. "I just signed on a week back for a season or two."

"I usually only come here when... no one is looking..." Twilight meeped, ducking her head down and glancing at the crowds gawking at them through the gate.

"Oh my," Fluttershy fretted, "Ever since that photo made it to the papers..?" Twilight puffed her cheeks out in outrage but looked away and nodded.

"Then I won't keep you too long," Lyra nodded again, and, with her mouth, pulled out the pencil from the holder-thingy on the clipboard, taking down their orders and walking off.

"... What's Bon Bon do for a living, again?" Twilight whispered.

"Whattya mean?? She sells candy," Pinkie hissed in mild outrage. "That's why she's called that. And I think she might also erase ponies' memories."

"What!" Applejack scoffed.

"I thought that was Wallflower Blush," Rarity furrowed her brows.

"Wallie does it with a spell. Bon Bon does it with a doohickey. She tried it on me once and I pretended it erased my memory and she seemed to be okay with everything so I think it erases memories." Pinkie nodded with the firm scowl of truthfulness.

"... What'd you witness wut needed t' be erased??" Applejack fretted.

"Apparently me," Starlight Glimmer complained, having been sitting at the table the entire time. "Unless Seraph beat me up so bad I'm a ghost and you girls literally just don't notice I'm here."

"Starlight, shush," Pinkie scolded. "How many real actual episodes written by professionals just forgot about major characters even when they were super relevant to what was going on? Just 'cause this story forgot you ever existed doesn't mean you've gotta be so grumpy."

"Thank you," Starlight flopped in her seat in relief. "Finally someone acknowledges I'm here." She sighed. "Just wish I could've gotten a chapter where Rainbow Dash unwittingly helped me with black magic or something."

"She already made a deal with the devil last story. Now we're gonna forget you again for the rest of the chapter," Pinkie foretold.

"Wait, what--"

"Here ya go," Lyra returned, the big golden hand setting down their trays. "Oh, by the way, um, Rainbow Dash," she grimaced and went all pigeon-hooved. "S-s-sorry!"

"Om-nyem-mmf," Twilight was already viciously devouring her burgers.

"Huh?" Dash blinked. "For what?"

Pinkie froze with a burger halfway to her mouth to stare in horror and disgust at Twilight.

"Um, earlier, at Sugarcube Corner..." Lyra reminded her.

"Oh." Dash blushed. "No, that's fine. Don't worry 'bout it."

"By Kimono's poetry, Twilight, how long has it been since you've eaten?!" Rarity hissed in scandal.

"Pastel Palette was super cute," Pinkie praised. Dash blushed deeper and scowled at her.

Twilight froze, glanced all around, swallowed, and slowed down considerably.

"R-right," Lyra brushed bashfully at her hair. "Say, um... do you have... a spare one of those uniforms?"

"We got 'em in several sizes," Pinkie offered brightly and obliviously. "Someone ordered way too many. Just come by sometime and that someone was me and we'll find one that fits!"

Rainbow Dash groaned and hid her face under her wings.

"Hey, uh, girls..." Dash asked, staring up at the giant strip of paper spread over the entrance to Ponyville square. "What the heck is a..." She squinted. "D'BOO-tunt?"

"Debutante," Twilight frowned critically at the same sign. "I think Filly Sue All's-well wrote that sign for you."

"A debutante is a lady making her first splash in the big scene," Rarity answered.

"But I went to all those galas already."

"Yes," Rarity huffed, "And they're graciously pretending those never happened."

"I still don't know why them city-trotters didn't want no good food," Applejack complained.

"They had free catering." Rarity deadpanned.

"Ya git what ya pay for!" Applejack insisted.

"Ooooh?! And how much did we pay for Seraph to cripple half of us?!" Rarity reminded her.

"... s'pose ponies've done stupider things fer free," Applejack finally conceded. "And I suppose it was befer them authentic home cookin' places became popular in Canterlot, when everypony was chasin' th'... what was it... bare flanks of a taste?"

"Why are you always the one talking about bare flanks!" Twilight objected.

Rainbow Dash nodded and lazily tumbled through the air, under the d'BOO-tunt poster, into the plaza like a bumblebee.

"Applejaaaack, you know Twilight is sensitive about her very large flanks!"

"I will break the rest of you with a thought, country girl. Hey, where'd Dash go??"

It would have been incredibly narcissistic to buy another copy of her own book. Or a pinwheel where all of the arms were Rainbow Dashes. Or a T-shirt of her own face inside of a heart. Or any of the other odd trinkets in her likeness that showed up on the rare occasion she was on Ponyville's good side this week.

She did, of course. To support local industries. C'mon, there was a gold statue of her like she'd sponsored an award, she had to get it. She was going to put them in a case in her giant cloud mansion, but that was because they were mementos. Of the time her crush broke her heart and hurt all her friends and she kissed him. Kissed him with her hooves. Kissed his teeth all over Canterlot.

And as Rainbow Dash fluttered around the plaza looking for her friends, who surely did not run off in much of a hurry since they were almost all wearing casts, her head whipped around at the sight of a Scootaloo-sized foal in a black cloak leaping at a passing wagon and swiping one of the three Scootaloo-sized bags hanging off the sides - the green one, specifically - throwing it over her back and running off.

Oh come on! Dash internally roared. And she dropped her book, her pinwheel, her golden statue, and the hug pillow, and took off with only the T-shirt. Her wings burned and made little popping sounds and she realized she was definitely not going half the speed of sound. Heck, she waved it off.

The cloaked figure bounced off of a wall into a sidestreet and Dash managed to air brake, doubling back in a loop to safely follow. Scootaloo's getting good, she half-praised. I'm butts at the whole turning thing.

But not that butts. She closed on Scootathief, fully obscured by the cloak. What's in the bag? She's going pretty slow. Must be heavy. Dash briefly considered grabbing her by the tail, but couldn't see where her tail was behind all that cloak. She grabbed the cloak instead.

Suddenly, she couldn't see anything and someone was on her back. BUTTS, she panicked, realizing her quarry had flipped onto her back and shoved the cloak into her face. Her instincts pulled her sharply upwards.

The pressure left her back and she tore the cloak away from herself, looking around wildly at the rooftops. I'm giving her a stern talking to about that--

She saw the green bag falling out of the sky. Also, it was emitting a muffled shrieking and flailing.

Dash looped again to seize it from above and held it close to herself, pulling up into a glide. She landed into a clumsy roll, tucking her wings in quickly to avoid snapping one in half yet again. When the world stopped spinning, she relaxed her grip and the bag frantically unzipped itself.

Scootaloo poked her front half out of the bag and looked around panting with googly eyes. "... Rainbow Dash?!" she gasped. She shook her head and laser-focused on her. "What's the big idea?! So we stowed away, so what! You gotta throw me around like those... those clothes washing... machine things?! I coulda puked!" She paused in confusion. "Um... Rainbow Dash? URK."

Dash hugged her tight and nuzzled her and cried. "I'm-so-glad-you're-okay-that-was-so-scary-some-weirdo-stole-you-and-I-thought-you-stole-you-but-you're-in-the-bag-please-stop-making-me-do-this-it's-not-fun-anymore."

"What?? Are Bloom and Sweetie still on the wagon?! ... Why're you wearing a shirt of yourself?"

"Mares, stallions, and foals of Ponyville," Mayor Mare boomed illustriously, with an Inkwell or another - there were a bunch of 'em, they all looked alike - stoically trying not to wince next to her, "We are gathered, assembled, and congregated here today to formally recognize one of our informally most recognizable citizens."

"There ya are. Where'd ya go??" Bloom hissed as Scootaloo trotted back into the plaza. Scootaloo scowled and papped her on the head with one wing. "Hey!! What's yer problem?!"

Dash stuck a hoof between them to get their attention. "No hitting," Dash gently commanded. Scootaloo drooped and grimaced in apology.

"Oh, and here she is!" Mayor Mare beamed. "Precisely on time and not a minute sooner, as always. For I'm sure you have all noticed the decor, the adornments, and the garnish, but if for some reason this is not sufficient, our pony of honor today is the unmistakable, the inimitable, the one and only: Rainbow Danger Dash! Come on up here, Miss Dash." She stepped aside and awkwardly tapped her hooves against the wood to join the applause.

Dash rolled her eyes and walked casually up the steps to take the stand from the Mayor, waiting for everyone to quite down. "I'd like to admit a terrible secret I've been hiding for many years." The crowd ooh'd and went silent. The Mayor stiffened and frantically consulted her notes. "... My middle name isn't actually Danger. Legally speaking." The crowd gasped and laughed. The Mayor blinked and pouted at Whatsit Inkwell, whose cheeks reddened a bit. "Now, I'm very well-known for... how humble I can be..." The crowd laughed again. "... so this may come as a second shock, but I fully approve of this festival in my honor." She paused for the mix of laughs and groans.

"... And, uh..." Dash cleared her throat awkwardly. Boy, the air sure was dry today, her eyes were watering. "Thank you. For putting up with me all these years. For helping me out when I screw things up. For doing, um, all of this when I'm not screwing up." She waved at all the Rainbow Dash stuff everywhere. "And I don't just mean, y'know... The Girls. I know you all think it's all us, we uh, we go out and turn gods to stone... or heal some sad 'n' angry creature's broken heart... or, or get the snot beat out of us by some pretty boy who thinks Luna's his mom, and I know we do a lot, but we do that because... We wanna come back home. We wanna have a home to come back to. And it's all of you who keep this home. Growing the food, fixing the damage, keeping the trees pretty and the streets clean, and keeping everything fun. You all took me in and gave me so much to do and so many reasons to do it and I... don't think... that dumb old Rainbow Dash can ever pay it off... I can't even make it up to the weather team for all the times I slacked off on duty... Um... A better gal than me couldn't ask for better friends than you." She suddenly dropped down from the stand and quickly trotted back down the stairs amid a fresh round of applause.

Applejack, sensing the issue, rushed over with a big smile and put her hat on Dash's head, like this was just some silly joke. This of course allowed Dash to cover her eyes.

"Thank you," Dash whispered.

"Always a pleasure," Applejack returned behind her smile.

Rarity honked into a tissue with her makeup running.

The Mayor paused before shuffling back to the stand. "That was... a... sincere, heartfelt, and grateful statement from Miss Rainbow Dash..!" she said as if she was surprised Dash had feelings. "I... don't think I can add anything more to that sentiment. So I will go right ahead and conclude the formalities. Rainbow Dash. By popular demand, and with my blessings as mayor of this beautiful town, you are hereby titled Ponyville's Best Pony for a Day!"

"And you always thought you'd never get it," Pinkie teased.

"Release the balloons!" the Mayor crooned.

"The what?" Dash repeated blankly, frowning under Applejack's hat.

"The-what!!" Pinkie shrieked. She began to writhe and gesture wildly around with her hooves as massive clouds of balloons in every color, all with Rainbow Dash's misshapen facial features stretched around their bulk, began to rise into the air. "I-don't-remember-if-I-helped-with-this!!!" She collapsed onto the ground, smote by the full splendor of her deity.

"Yoooo, what?!" Rainbow Dash danced around on her hooves, then crouched down, wriggled her butt, leapt up like a cat, and spiraled up into the sky, watching the countless balloons beginning their misadventures to the heavens in her honor. "Kyahaha!" she cackled, throwing Applejack's hat off. "Being Rainbow Dash is awesome!"

"But being me sucks," someone complained below, still being ignored.

"Did she really just chuck m' hat," Applejack complained, producing another from nowhere and setting it on her head. "My pa only left me so many o' these..."