Snake and Otacon Talk Ponies
On a sneaking mission, Snake was in a U.S. naval base, searching for intelligence on the latest Metal Gear. He’d gotten past the guards at the gates, and found himself in an office in one of the buildings. It was the middle of the night, so the place was empty and silent. But Snake wasn’t taking any chances. As he cornered a cubicle, something yellow on a desk caught his eye. “Huh.” Snake went in to get a closer look, and he picked up the fluffy item. It was a plush toy. Some kind of yellow animal with wings, pink hair, and big eyes. “Wait… A pegasus? Huh. Is this that Flutter character?”
As soon as he said it, Snake got a call on his codec. He kneeled and put one hand to his ear. He still held the plush in his other hand. “Otacon?”
“Hey, Snake!” Otacon clamored. “You like My Little Pony, too?!”
“My Little Pony?” Snake was baffled.
“Yeah! More specifically, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, a television program that debuted in 2010, based on the fourth generation of the My Little Pony toy brand.”
“I think I’ve heard of it. The one with all the ponies, right?” Snake said. “But I don’t watch a lot of TV.”
“Oh, I see. But you know, Snake, it’s a really popular show. In addition to the television show and toy brand, there are also books and comics.”
“Huh. Maybe that’s why it seems so familiar. I’ve seen this character somewhere. I think its name is Flutter-something.”
“Fluttershy, Snake. She’s one of the Mane Six.”
“The what?”
“The Mane Six, Snake. It’s ‘mane’ as in a horse’s mane, and refers to the main characters. Clever, right? Anyway, it refers to Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash. They’re best friends and they’re the main characters of the show. It’s their collective adventures that make up the story.”
“Those names do sound familiar… Isn’t there a little dragon too?” Snake asked.
“Spike?! Yes, Snake! But even though he’s just as important as any of the other main characters, he isn’t included in the count, and he often gets left out at critical moments. Most of the story takes place in Ponyville, which is entirely populated by ponies. As such, Spike is an outsider, and something of an anomaly. Dragons are mysterious creatures. The ponies don’t know a whole lot about them, and often they don’t know what to do with Spike. Though in later seasons, the dragons’ civilization actually—”
“Alright, alright,” Snake said. If he let Otacon go on, he wouldn’t stop talking for hours. “But isn’t this a show for little girls? What’s this thing doing on a naval base? Somebody’s memento from their daughter?”
“Actually Snake, it’s found a big following outside of its intended demographic. Adult fans of the show are called ‘Bronies’, a portmanteau of ‘bro’ and ‘pony’. The amount of adult fans came as a surprise to the show creators. A lot of things came together to bring Friendship is Magic to everyone’s attention, but in all likelihood, it’s only due to the great writing, fully fleshed-out fantasy world, and positive message that so many people enjoy the show.”
“Huh. So a lot of people like these ponies, huh?”
“You bet, Snake! It’s had a major impact on memes and culture! I watch the show too, and I can tell you firsthand, that’s it’s got some really amazing stories and uplifting messages. It’s generated such positive memes. If only the whole world would watch it and learn more about love and tolerance, instead of building Metal Gears… Sometimes, its vision of friendship is all that keeps me going on our missions… And Fluttershy is my favorite character. She’s a pegasus and—”
The more Otacon talked about it, the more Snake thought he really had seen this show somewhere before. He could picture the main characters in his mind. Which just left him with one question. “How do you think they taste?”
Otacon was silent for a moment. “Huh?”
“How do you think they taste?”
“Oh, Snake…” Otacon sounded horrified, like he was about to cry. “Please tell me you’re not thinking of eating Fluttershy.”
“Well, not this toy, of course. But they are horses, right? And horses can be eaten. So it’s got me curious… What would rainbow-colored ponies taste like?”
“No, Snake! You can’t eat Fluttershy!”
“You’re right. She looks too lean. I’ll bet she tastes leathery. But what about the pink one? She’s always eating candy, so I bet she tastes really sweet. And she’s nice and plump too. And do you think unicorn horns are edible? Probably taste like medicine… But I’ll bet pegasus wings taste great! Just cut ‘em off, pluck off the feathers, and roast ‘em over a fire.”
“…” Otacon was so flabbergasted and horrified, he was at a loss for words.
“But the real treat will be the orange one! She lives on a farm, so she’s plump like the pink one, but her diet is better, so she probably tastes great!”
“No, no, no, Snake!” Otacon couldn’t take it anymore. “Please tell me you’re not really thinking about eating Twilight and Fluttershy and the rest of them! That’s just awful!”
“Why?”
“Because, Snake! They’re fictional characters and they’ve brought joy to a lot of people all around the world! This show has been translated into a lot of different languages! And it’s just not right to talk about what they taste like!”
“Ohh?” growled Snake, disappointed. “But isn’t it normal to wonder what characters you see on television taste like? I’ve always wondered what Barney tasted like.”
Otacon was silent for a while. “No, it’s not normal! And that’s a guy in a dinosaur suit, Snake!”
“Yeah, I know! But what if he was a real dinosaur?! What do you think he’d taste like?!”
“I don’t know! Like a dinosaur! Ugh, this is so… ridiculous! And anyway, you can’t eat the Mane Six!”
“Why not? You never know, they might taste good.” Snake thought for a moment while Otacon grumbled. “Now, let’s talk appetizers. Those little ones—”
“No, Snake! You can’t eat the Cutie Mark Crusaders!”
“The Crusades? Like the ones Christians fought during the—”
“No, Snake… The Cutie Mark Crusaders are on a quest to—”
“Alright, alright. Anyway, the one I really want to try is that little purple dragon.” Snake licked his lips. He was practically salivating at the thought of the morsel. “What do you think he tastes like?”
“No, Snake… Not Spike… Not Spike…” Otacon sounded like he was on the verge of tears, and though Snake couldn’t see him, he thought Otacon was probably burying his face in his hands.
“Otacon?”
“Don’t you have a Metal Gear to find, Snake?” Otacon asked, sounding angry.
“Right…”
Snake ended the transmission and set the plush toy back on the desk. Then he got back to his mission.
Author's Note
By my estimation, this is exactly how this conversation would go. Alright, to be honest, it is more of a Naked Snake thing, but it felt like Otacon was the best fit for the person on the other end of the call.
