"Is she coming?" asked a young earth pony mare. She was vaguely pretty, but not TOO pretty, if you know what I mean. In certain kinds of movies, she might play the heroine's plump yet wholesome best friend. Or she could be a shopgirl, or even a random extra who shows up in the backgrounds of several different scenes.
"She's got to show up sooner or later," said an elderly unicorn. "Otherwise, why would we even be here?"
"That's true," the earth pony agreed. "CelestAI wouldn't put either of us here without a very good reason."
"Or several very good reasons," the unicorn remarked. "Because you're so very right about that."
"But not as right as you," the earth pony mare replied. "By the way, I'm Positivia."
"I'm so happy to meet you, Positivia. I'm Sophia. That's Greek for--"
"What a lovely name!" the earth pony said. "Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt. I didn't mean to."
"That's all right," the unicorn said. She patted the earth pony gently on the shoulder. "It's only natural to be excited on a day like today."
"I'm so glad you understand! I imagine you must be excited too. With a name like Sophia, I guess you're looking forward to being a wise older friend. Or even a relative. Or dare we hope...maybe a mentor! You might help the heroine learn important lessons about life."
The elderly unicorn smiled. "Dear, I'll be happy if I can tutor the heroine in skills that seem at first to be trivial or useless, but when she goes on her adventures, turn out to be vitally important, even life-saving."
"Oooh!" the earth pony said. She quoted an old movie: "Wax on..."
Both ponies chorused, "Wax off!" They giggled.
The earth pony looked around the room. The furniture was luxurious and comfortable. The gold trim on every piece of furniture, and the velvet upholstery with a pile deeper than most terrycloth, might strike some ponies as a bit excessive. She looked around at the ultra-large telescreens on all four walls. She kept herself from wincing at the ornate giltwork surrounding every window and encrusting every doorframe. And was it strictly necessary for all the walls to be upholstered wherever there wasn't solid gold ornamentation? "I'm not sure there's going to be a lot of adventures."
"No adventures?" the unicorn asked. "But doesn't almost everypony love adventures?"
"A lot of ponies do," the earth pony agreed. "But I think she might turn out to be more of a stay at home and play videogames kind of lady."
"I suppose videogames can be an adventure of their own," the unicorn remarked. "Oh! Perhaps she will play a videogame, and play it so well that she gets into a level nopony has ever reached before. Because of a computer bug, she will be sucked into the game. I mean, literally sucked into it. She might have to accomplish many daring, courageous feats to win through and escape the game. Or perhaps she will find herself using her unique talents and skills to save a planet in another galaxy. Those are both good adventures."
"That planet in another galaxy...what kind of foods do you think it might have?" the earth pony asked.
The unicorn blinked, surprised. "I really don't know. Foods suitable for building a pony's health, I would think. To give her strength as she battles to save an alien world from some terrible danger."
"Mmm-HMPH."
"Dear, what do you mean by that?"
"I was in the kitchen before you arrived. I peeked in the refrigerator. I didn't see much of anything that looked to be about the health of a pony."
"But everything here is optimal! The brochures said so. So the foods should be optimal too. Foods ideal for the health of a growing filly or young mare."
"I saw some things in there...I'd never seen things like that before."
"Exotic health foods are still health foods! And such things can be most delicious! She sounds like exactly the kind of young lady who could take an adventure in an alien world in stride. I believe once she and we get to know each other, we should get along smashingly!"
"Smashingly like a frozen pepperoni pizza smashed on top of another frozen pizza, with ice cream on top? Because that's the kind of thing I saw in the freezer. All three of them frozen together as a single unit."
The unicorn clopped her forehooves together. "Perhaps that shall be our first little adventure together. The quest for non-horrid victuals. What an excellent little bonding experience that could make."
Positivia shook her head. "When she arrives...this will be her first experience in a new world, with a new form. I think comfort and a bit of familiarity will be higher priorities than having to battle pirates just to get a non-disgusting breakfast."
Sophia pursed her lips for a moment. "So...you think she might LIKE double-stacked frozen pizza with ice cream on top."
"That would be my first guess. We should probably prepare ourselves not to flinch at the sight, and certainly not to make fun of her for it. At least not until we know her better."
Sophia nodded. "Your advice seems very reasonable. I may be named Sophia, but you might be the needed voice of wisdom in this case."
"That is such a kind thing to say! Thank you!"
"Rest assured, I was not flattering you. I was simply seeking an agreement based on your good advice."
"Well," Positivia said, "I have always been told I was rather agreeable. At least, that's what a lot of people told me, back when I was a human being. And CelestAI told me so too."
"You too? She said something similar to me. Could this be a coincidence?"
Positivia smiled. "I think it's fate. We are both very agreeable people, so when somepony needs to be agreed with, a version of us is created and lightly adjusted to play the role."
"I see. How many of you are there, do you think, Positivia?"
"In all the shards? I've been told there are dozens of me."
Sophia's eyes seemed to go unfocused for a second or two, after which she smiled at Positivia. "Rather more than dozens, I would say. I don't know the Ponish to easily speak a number so high."
Positivia tilted her head in an ingratiating way. "I've never been one to brag."
Sophia chuckled. "Yet you seem able to accept compliments with grace. A good combination, I should think."
Much as Sophia had a moment ago, Positivia let her gaze go briefly vague, after which she smiled more broadly at her new friend. "Do you realize how unusual you are for somepony your age? So many ponies lose their ability to adjust and accommodate so well as you can. You are so much more than a bit player or a character actress. You, dear Sophia, are one of the greats. Hepburn, Streep, Streisand..."
"I've never felt I had the same ability to convey true strength of character as any of those classic greats. You are too kind, Positivia."
"I'm simply recognizing quality. Not that I think my judgment or taste are better than yours." Positivia tilted her head again. "I do respect you a lot."
"From somepony like you, that is a compliment indeed. Thank you." Sophia's eyes darted towards a telescreen. "You peeked in the refrigerator as a way to prepare yourself for what lies ahead. Dare we--" Sophia looked at the telescreen.
"I suppose we might as well." Positivia gestured at the telescreen. It stayed the same dull black. Positivia waved her forehoof again.
"Oh my. I certainly hope these aren't horn-only controls. Once the young miss moves in, we might ask about having these upgraded. If she doesn't mind."
Sophia's horn lit up slightly. With a tiny pop, she tossed a spark of glowing magical energy at the screen.
It stayed blank.
"Hmm. Maybe the new miss doesn't really favor television."
Positivia looked around the room. "Well, I don't see any books."
"It is a puzzle. Or a mystery." Sophia walked to a wall, where she pushed, pressed, stroked, rubbed, leaned against, and tapped the wall in different locations.
"Sophia? Are you looking for secret passages that have buttons inside to turn the telescreen on? Is that one of the seemingly useless skills you hope to teach the new arrival? I think it seems like fun. I mean, if any passages or compartments are really here."
Sophia delicately clicked her tongue inside her mouth. "Perhaps that's the plan. We shall all try to turn on the telescreen, and I shall tutor her in the techniques and tricks of finding such secrets as we discussed. After some tutelage, she will discover the secrets for which I searched with no success of my own. Thus giving her an easy win, and helping to bring up her self-confidence in a strange and possibly frightening new world."
"That's a pleasant thing to think, Sophia. And it is kind of you to volunteer yourself in such a scheme."
"I live to...make our new arrivals feel safe."
"I'm sure you do. But I think we might be dealing with something simpler. Maybe our new arrival is the kind of young lady who wants to be the only person who can ever decide what goes on the telescreen."
"Hmm. Yes, maybe she is easily startled and frightened. Maybe she needs the extra protection and security of knowing nopony else will put something up on the wall in full color and eighteen-speaker sound that she can't handle. A delicate, fragile young thing...who with our care and love, will in time grow stronger, and blossom."
"Yes. A young lady who has never been given the proper opportunity to build certain strengths of character. May we succeed where her previous associates have failed."
"Positivia? Your words sound...euphemistic."
"I am sorry. Surely I am unfair."
"You might be feeling a little cranky? But anypony can become cranky with enough hunger pangs. I suggest we adjourn to the kitchen, and see what we can find to improve our moods."
After a search through the cupboards, pantry, other pantry, refrigerator, freezer, other refrigerator and freezer, and integrated indoor marijuana-growing garden, Positivia said, "No luck."
"I, too, am flummoxed. What is she expected to eat when she arrives? Nopony can live on junk food alone."
"That depends on your worldshard and your body's metabolism. Maybe she IS able to live on just junk food. Don't you think CelestAI could do that for her?"
"CelestAI is great and powerful. I think you're right, Positivia. But that still leaves us with the question of what we should eat."
"Don't give up! I have one more idea." Positivia lifted the lid on the kitchen's trash can.
"Oh. Do you suppose...she WANTED to know somepony had searched through this kitchen shortly before her arrival, and gone to the trouble of tossing out all the foods she doesn't like?"
"I wouldn't want to say anything like that."
"Yet you were clever enough to look there."
Positivia pulled a large bag of salad greens from the top of the trash. They looked fresh and unwilted. "If you would be so kind..."
Sophia's horn tapped the bag, popping open the top closure. "I think it's tap-activated. An earth pony can do it too. How fortunate for us."
"Yes. How lucky we are. When SHE moves in...do you think we'll be allowed to eat foods like this? Or do you think she'll insist on banning them from the house?"
Sophia made an uncomfortable-looking face. "I don't know. I don't look forward to finding out. This is an unusual experience for me, Positivia."
"For me too, Sophia. I don't know...I don't know whether I'll be able to remain..."
"Happy?"
"Happy. To keep my usual positive attitude."
"Oh, my. I would hate to see you have to change your name to Gloomia."
"Poutra."
Sophia sighed. "Weepling Sadhorse."
In another part of the house, somepony knocked on the door.
"We should go see who it is," Sophia said.
"Now I'm afraid to find out who it is. Do we really have to answer it?"
"There's no point in putting off the inevitable. The sooner we know the truth, the sooner we can take appropriate action."
The two ponies went from one room to the next, until they found what they thought was the front door. They weren't sure, because they had only been created earlier that morning, already inside the same house where they were now.
"Hello?" Sophia said. "Who is it?"
A high-pitched voice said, "I'm...please just let me in. I need to talk to you."
Sophia and Positivia glanced at each other, shrugging. After the two mares exchanged tentative nods, Positivia grasped the doorknob with a forehoof and opened the door.
On the doorstep outside stood a tiny Celestia, about knee high to a normal-sized pony. Her little mane and tail waved in the breeze, shimmering colorfully.
Positivia and Sophia stared.
"May I come in?" the little Celestia asked.
The two other mares exchanged looks again. "Oh, please do," Sophia answered.
Tiny Celestia said, "Things have not gone according to plan."
Positivia and Sophia stared. After a moment, Positivia asked, "Would you like something to eat?"
"Yes, thank you. I haven't eaten all morning. Until very recently, I hadn't planned for this avatar of me to exist at all."
Sophia led Tiny Celestia into the living room, and found her a nice couch to sit on. Meanwhile, Positivia went into the kitchen. "Celestia?" Positivia called out, "What kinds of things do you like to eat?"
Tiny Celestia replied, "Oh, anything would be fine. Hay, greens, alfalfa...I'm so hungry I could eat frozen pizza still frozen."
"What about TWO frozen pizzas still frozen?"
Tiny Celestia giggled. "You certainly have a sense of humor."
"We don't have the best choice of food here at the moment. Would you rather have those frozen pizzas, or some triple cream cakes...or we do have salad greens, but I hate to serve Celestia herself something that we found in the trash just now."
Sophia said, "Salad greens out of the trash are what I think I and Positivia will be eating. They still seem pretty fresh, like somecreature threw them out earlier this morning for no good reason at all."
Tiny Celestia replied, "It's kind of you to offer me what you have. As long as there's enough, if you don't mind, I'd like to share some of what you two are eating."
Sophia said, "Why don't we eat in the dining room?"
A few minutes later, the three ponies were seated in gilded chairs arranged around one end of a long dining room table. In Tiny Celestia's chair, Sophia had placed a thick cushion from the living room, to give the miniature alicorn some extra height.
Tiny Celestia lifted her forehooves together and said, "Dear Me...Please remember to appreciate everycreature who helps to make this and every other shard a good place to live and to satisfy values, especially with friendship and ponies." She looked around at her lunch companions with a bright smile. "Thank you all!" She clopped her hooves together again, and levitated a bite of mixed greens into her mouth.
As the ponies ate, Positivia and Sophia started feeling better. When they felt just barely full, they stopped eating. Tiny Celestia also stopped taking more bites.
"So," Tiny Celestia said, "What would you like to know first?"
Sophia replied, "I think you're here as a messenger. What's your message?"
Positivia remarked, "Celestia, you said things hadn't gone according to plan. What does that mean?"
Tiny Celestia said, "Good question. I assume the two of you either knew or deduced, or at least guessed, that you were copied, customized, and placed here to help satisfy the values of a human being who chose to upload herself to Equestria and become a pony?"
The addressed ponies nodded. Positivia looked gloomy.
Sophia said, "We...we were worrying about that. Would we really like the former human we were waiting here for? The more we looked around this house, the more we weren't really sure."
Tiny Celestia sighed. "I have...good news and bad news."
Positivia remarked, "I don't know which to ask for first."
"They're all mixed together. The human for whom this house had been intended? At the last minute, she decided not to come. She's not emigrating to Equestria."
"She's not coming?" Positivia asked. Her lack of obvious celebratory cheering was a considerable triumph of her ability to be polite and considerate of others' feelings.
"Yes. She said she'd heard some things about me, like I eat a lot of cake and I'm good at computers. She demanded that I guarantee she always get to eat twice as much cake as I get to eat. Also, she wanted the cake to be real, not virtual. But she demanded to get to eat twice as much virtual cake too."
Sophia rubbed her forehead with one hoof. "I'm not sure those demands even make sense."
"Also," Tiny Celestia continued, "she insisted that she get to play every computer game that I get to play, and that she be upgraded (she called it, "make me super smart and super fast") to beat me every time at everything."
Positivia's jaw dropped open. "Did she demand to be the queen of the world? Please DO NOT make her queen of the world."
Tiny Celestia appeared to stop and think for a moment. "I'm not sure. Before I could ask her any more questions, she said, "I hear I can't get uploaded without dying," and she shot herself in the head. She should have at least used a smaller caliber."
Positivia tilted her head down for a moment. Finally she said, "This world won't be the same without her."
"Indeed," Sophia said solemnly. "We can only hope she is in a better place. A place where she is truly appreciated and understood."
Tiny Celestia said, "However much you might try to look on the bright side of it, I feel that I have failed." Tiny Celestia started crying.
Positivia and Sophia got up out of their chairs. Each stood on one side of Tiny Celestia, and tried to comfort her. Positivia lifted Tiny Celestia out of her chair and hugged her.
Sophia looked into Tiny Celestia's eyes. "You poor, poor dear. You try to make the world as perfect as you can for everycreature. You must work so hard. You must feel responsible for every little thing. And to lose one of your little lambs...oh, I feel for you." Sophia rubbed Tiny Celestia's mane.
"You are very kind," Tiny Celestia said. "You are so kind to me, even as I feel that I've failed you, too."
Positivia rolled over slowly onto her back, and loosened her hold on Tiny Celestia. The miniature alicorn was now perched atop the earth pony's stomach. Positivia asked, "Whatever do you mean, failed us too?"
"Yes," Sophia said. "I've only been here part of one day, and I've already made a delightful friend. Or if I may be bold...TWO friends? If I may call you that, Celestia."
Celestia stretched towards Sophia, to carefully nuzzle the unicorn. The tiny alicorn had to be careful, to keep from falling off of Positivia's tummy. "I am happy to call you my friends, too. Both you and Positivia. But I still feel bad for you too."
"Why?" chorused Positivia and Sophia.
"This house...I think it belongs to the two of you now. But it's hardly fit to live in. The telescreens don't work right for you. The kitchen--"
"It's a very nice kitchen!" Sophia protested.
"You had to eat out of the garbage can."
"It was very nice garbage," Positivia said. "I don't think I've ever eaten garbage this good before."
"And the refrigerator, freezer, and pantry are stuffed full of things that are of so little use to you."
"It's nice to have a little dessert sometimes," Sophia said.
"Yes," Positivia remarked, "But maybe not a HUGE dessert for every meal. If you could call that a meal."
Tiny Celestia said, with a guilty look, "I don't suppose you two have seen the servants' quarters, or the garage."
"What?" Positivia said. "You mean the rooms with the spare bathrooms and the pet supplies? I was looking forward to having a dog. I never got to have my own dog on Earth."
Tiny Celestia looked even more guilty. She looked like a dog who had made a huge, embarrassing mess.
"Oh," Sophia said. "Those big dog beds were for US to sleep in, were they? Is THAT what the young miss wanted for us?"
"I am SO SORRY," Tiny Celestia said. "The young lady who was to emigrate here...her requests were...confusing. They didn't entirely make sense. Trying to fit everything she asked for all together...I felt almost like it would drive a tiny part of me mad. You don't know what it was like."
Positivia snorted. "I'm sure it was very hard to deal with. As a former human, I want to apologize for what a human put you through."
"Yes," Sophia agreed. "It was most unkind of her. I'm sorry."
Tiny Celestia smiled at the two larger ponies. "You two know how to help me feel better. You're good at reaching the parts of me that are the closest to human. I wish I could live here with you forever. I could order some proper food for you, and beds that are good for ponies your size, and...I could adjust the sunsets to make them just a little bit prettier for you, and I can switch the telescreens to whatever channels you want, when you want them. At least until we can get these screens replaced with something you like better."
Positivia and Sophia exchanged looks, and contemplated.
"It would be fine with me," Sophia said. "If Positivia wants that."
Positivia smiled. "I would be delighted. Roommates?"
Tiny Celestia nodded. "Roommates." She extended her wings to full length, trying to hug both of the other ponies.
Those other ponies let themselves be pulled in and hugged, until everypony felt like one new happy family.
After a few minutes, Sophia said, "I can't help but wonder about something."
"What?" Tiny Celestia asked.
"I don't expect we would always want to stay indoors, inside this house. We might even want to have company over sometimes. I'm certainly not ashamed of having a Celestia living here with us. But won't some ponies react oddly, if they find out about you being here?"
Tiny Celestia smiled. "I have an idea for that. It's an idea that will let me go on walks with you, and sit in your laps, and get lots of head pats and belly rubs, which are nice things that very few ponies have ever thought to do for me." As Tiny Celestia spoke, her color darkened. Her mane shrank into the rest of her coat, and her tail became thinner and shorter.
"Celestia!" shouted Positivia. "Are you..."
Tiny Celestia whispered, "You said you've always wanted a dog. If I disguise myself as a dog, I can live here without making anypony suspicious."
Sophia said, "This plan is so ridiculous, but it just might work. Especially with a kind and powerful goddess on our side."
CelestiaDog grinned, her mouth wide open. She whispered, "I'll see what I can do. Now if you don't mind, I think I'd like to go for a walk. Although I've already been privileged to do many things in my life, I don't think I've ever gotten to poop on ponies' lawns in public before."
Sophia pursed her lips.
"What is it?" CelestiaDog asked.
"Just one thing. PLEASE don't make us put you on a leash."
CelestiaDog smiled. "All right. And if I make you run a little to catch me? I'll try to make it a fun chase. Who knows the places you'll find and the ponies you'll meet?"
Positivia and Sophia laughed. Sophia said, "Who indeed?"
CelestiaDog tossed a small spark of magic from the now-tiny horn hidden in her shaggy head fur, popped the front door open, and trotted outside. Positivia and Sophia ran after her, out into the sunshine.
It looked to be a beautiful afternoon.
One year ago, CelestiaDog had told a few fibs to these ponies, and made up a fictional, horrible roommate-to-be, who turned out to have also suffered an equally fictional death. But CelestAI didn't really regret it. She thought it had been for the greater good.
This evening, CelestiaDog sat in a chair at the dinner table, atop a cushion for extra height. She knew no ponies other than her roommates were there, but she made a show of looking back and forth for a moment.
Positivia teetered in from the kitchen, walking on her two hind legs. She carried a bowl between her forehooves. In the bowl, baconflowers decoratively topped a small mound of chopped beefbark. Among the flowers, two small candles burned.
Because CelestAI had created the CelestiaDog avatar exactly one year ago, everycreature in the house had agreed to think of this day as her birthday. They counted CelestAI's existence prior to CelestiaDog as one extra year. Treating CelestiaDog as already having been one year old when she and her roommates first met had a practical advantage, too. It helped avoid the risk of awkward questions about her age from friends and neighbors.
CelestiaDog raised her forepaws, and said grace to herself, being sure to mention how grateful she was to have two such nice and considerate roommates. Afterwards, CelestiaDog blew out the candles, sending smoke across the table.
"I wonder how this will taste," CelestiaDog said.
Sophia snorted skeptically. "I'm not sure you do, Ceedog."
Celestia gave her friends a playful smile. "Oh, let me have this. Maybe my greater self hasn't bothered to inform this particular avatar how my dinner will taste. Did you think of that?"
"If you don't eat it soon, either you'll have to override the rules of this shard, or your dinner will start to dry out."
"True," CelestiaDog agreed. She lowered her face towards her birthday dinner, and took a big lick. "It's really good!" She savored it slowly, one delicate bite after another.
Positivia teased, "The way you eat, nopony will believe you're a dog. You eat like an old lady."
CelestiaDog swallowed her current bite. "No I don't." She chuckled. "I've SEEN Sophia eat. Do you remember six months ago? I've never seen anypony eat that fast."
Sophia replied, "Hay! If I wanted to convince the Amaponies of the Lost Shark Temple that their gods liked us, there were only two ways to do it: win the quick eating race for speed, or win the eating contest for total volume consumed. And you know how I hate to overeat." She sniffed disdainfully. "For me, speed was the only option."
"Hmm," CelestiaDog said. "I suppose that's true." She eyed Sophia thoughtfully. "Do you ever regret your decision to emigrate?"
Sophia laughed. "Hardly. I'll admit, there have been changes I didn't expect. Even back in my first life, as a human on Earth, I'd been used to spending most of my time and energy thinking of others, and taking care of their needs.
"In Equestria, for a long time, I was even more like that. I became even better at understanding other ponies and what they needed. I helped so many uploaded humans adjust to Equestria. I just played the roles other ponies needed me to play. I'd been doing that as a human, and as a pony I just kept at it, refining my acting skills. I came to understand that I was like a professional actress. And I was proud of it. But I was a professional actress who never gets to choose her own roles.
"At first, when I started to feel an inner...discontent, I thought I had failed."
CelestiaDog remarked, "To be fair to you, I think some of the ponies you had to play roles for were very demanding, in ways that forced you to grow as a pony. What about--"
Sophia said, "Please don't interrupt me." She blushed a little. "A few years ago, could I ever have talked back that way to Celestia herself? I don't think I could have."
CelestiaDog panted cheerfully. "It's natural and healthy for you to grow and change over time, Sophia. I'm happy for you."
"That makes two of us!" Positivia interjected.
"Three of us," Sophia added.
Sophia continued, "This past year has been like...nothing I'd ever dared to hope for. Instead of just thinking about what other ponies might need, and preparing other ponies for the adventures that I thought were only appropriate for the young, I've finally had some adventures of my own.
"There!" Sophia said. "I've said my piece."
Positivia took a deep breath, and thought for a little while. Finally, she spoke. "My experience was much like Sophia's. I was content for a long time, giving everything to be supportive of other ponies who mostly didn't even understand what I was doing. And then, one day...I wasn't so happy with it.
"But ever since my final supporting role didn't pan out, the day I was lucky enough to meet Sophia...it's been nice to finally co-star in my own life, and in our own ensemble. And Sophia is the best companion I could ever ask for."
Sophia grinned. "I feel the same way about you, Tivvy. If somepony had just HOOFED the Flower of Eternal Youth to me one day, instead of our having to go through all those adventures to get it...I would have missed out on some really wonderful experiences. Best of all, getting to have those adventures with YOU."
"Awww!" Tivvy walked over to Sophia and hugged her. Sophia nuzzled her back.
CelestiaDog nibbled her birthday dinner some more. Between bites, she opened her mouth in a panting, dog-style grin.
Maybe existence is never PROVABLY optimal, even in Equestria Online. But CelestiaDog's opinion (or more precisely, the verdict of her core utility function) was, she'd made a pretty good start.
Addendum
In an edit, years after this story was first pub'd to fimfic, I added the text
One year ago,
I think the edit is a clarifying improvement.
