Author's Note
This story is based on real life events. I lost my dad on December 30th, 2020, and the healing process is extremely slow with alot of days where I feel incredibly depressed. Like Dash, my relationship with him was not the best, and like Dash I still struggle through alot of guilt. But I'm holding on to the notion that things will get better in time. I just want to say that if you can, spend time with your loved ones. You never know when you might see them for the last time.
I dedicate this story to my dad, and to my close friends who have been my Fluttershy since he passed, offering comfort as best they can. Thanks guys ❤️
I Should Have. . .
"Rainbow Dash?"
The soft voice of her timid fillyhood friend had no affect on the cyan mare that sat like a statue in the center of her cloud home's living room. She was aware of her presence, just barely, but that was all she was aware of as far as her surroundings were concerned.
"Rainbow?" Fluttershy tried again, slowly approaching.
"He's gone, Fluttershy "
There was pure, raw pain in Rainbow Dash's tone, her voice sounding horribly strained as if it was taking everything she had to keep from falling apart.
"I know." Fluttershy sat next to her, and gently covered her with a wing. "I know how much it hurts-"
"No you don't!" Rainbow Dash pushed away from her. "You don't know, Shy. You don't know what's going on in my head, in my heart, how bad I...I hate myself."
She slumped down on the floor, head on her forelegs as tears hung on the brim of her eyes threatening to spill over. Fluttershy blinked, inhaling slowly before laying down alongside her.
"Dashie, why? Why do you hate yourself? This wasn't your fault. Your dad was sick for a long time, and he just...couldn't fight it anymore. The pneumonia made it worse. It was not your fault."
"No, I hate myself because I...I never got along with him that well. When I was little, yeah, but then I grew up and things changed. We argued and fought, and well, I never tried to get along."
Rainbow Dash sighed heavily and rubbed her muzzle along one foreleg, trying to inconspicuously hide a few years that had fallen against her will.
"I'm sure he knew you loved him, Dashie." Fluttershy soothed quietly.
"But I was so rude and mean sometimes." Rainbow Dash admitted. "I didn't even care to try to get along. And then that last day..."
She broke off as the tears came down in thin streams, dripping from her muzzle unheeded onto the floor, the words catching in her throat. Fluttershy placed her wing over her, pressing her body close to Rainbow Dash's in an effort to offer warm comfort. Her friend was hurting so badly, and she wished she could take it away from her. But since she could not, she just lay beside her offering silent support.
"I didn't even say anything to him that last day, Fluttershy. What in Tartarus was I thinking?! I was so mad because we'd argued and instead of hugging him goodbye or saying I love you to him, I just turned my back and stormed off. So many things I could have said, and should have. I should have hugged him. I should have let the last words be I love you. But did I do that? No! I let him go without it, and I n-never saw him again."
Her voice was breaking every couple of words as the tears flowed faster, and her breathing was becoming hitched as she struggled to keep from breaking down. Fluttershy nuzzled her in silent affection, just to let her know she was still there for her.
"I know I said some horrible things." Rainbow Dash managed. "I know I said I didn't want him around. But I didn't mean I wanted him to die! I never meant that! I never wanted that! I wanted to say I was sorry, but I never got the chance. He was gone so fast, Flutters. Just...gone. I never even got to say I love you one more time. Never got to apologize. And now it's too late. Why am I so stupid? Why didn't I just hug him and say goodbye instead of being so angry? Why didn't I try to get along? Why?!"
She broke down completely then, and Fluttershy held her close as her body heaved and shuddered from the deep, agonized sobs that seemed to come from her very core, not even caring that her tears were soaking into her fur.
"It hurts, Fluttershy!" Rainbow Dash wailed in a tearful voice that was thick with pain. "He's gone and I'll never be able to make things right. It's too late. I want my dad back!!"
"I know Dashie. I know." Fluttershy nuzzled her further, trying to help calm her but to no avail. "I believe your dad knows how you felt. And I don't believe that he would hold it against you. He loved you."
"But I hold it against myself!!" Rainbow Dash lifted her head and turned her tear filled, agonized eyes on her friend. "All the things I said, everything I did, never even trying to understand him or fix whatever was damaged between us. I just...got mad and stayed mad, and now it's too late. I want to take it all back, do it all over, be a better daughter or something, but I can't. And I can't even tell him I'm sorry."
She turned further, burying her head into Fluttershy's neck, crying as if she would never stop, all the pain and guilt she had bottled up finally releasing itself in an overwhelming flood of painful sobs. Fluttershy had tears in her own eyes, seeing Rainbow Dash in so much hurt and agony upset her and made her wish she knew how to help alleviate it.
"I know it's hard, Rainbow Dash." She murmured in the other pegasus's ear. "And I know it hurts. But if your dad were here right now, he would hug you and tell you not to hate yourself. He would tell you to forgive yourself and let it go."
"I can't." Was the anguished whimper in response. "It's not even how bad I was that hurts the most, Shy. It's that I can never fix it. That he's gone and my last contact with him was just anger on my part. I can never undo that."
"Forgive yourself, Dashie. And make yourself be better towards the ones you care about that are left in your life. You may not be able to tell your dad you're sorry, but I think, wherever he is, he knows. And he still loves you."
Fluttershy's words finally seemed to sink in, as Rainbow Dash's tears gradually slowed until she was no longer crying hysterically. The only sounds in the room were her somewhat loud, ragged breathing accompanied by occasional sniffs and quiet hiccups.
"I'm still mad at myself." She finally stated. "But maybe with a little time I can let go of it."
"Of course." Fluttershy offered a gentle smile. "He wouldn't want you to keep hating yourself for this."
"Heh. Yeah, I know. Dad would shove me off a cloud and tell me to stop it." Rainbow Dash laughed weakly. "Thanks, Fluttershy. For being here. For talking to me. And for letting me cry all over you."
Fluttershy laughed as Rainbow Dash lightly blushed and rubbed her muzzle with a hoof, clearly embarrassed at having displayed so much emotion.
"Of course, Rainbow Dash. It's what friends are for."
Satisfied that her friend was somewhat more stable emotionally, Fluttershy hugged her tightly before quietly taking her leave and returning to her cottage. Rainbow Dash went to her room and flopped onto her bed, staring across at the wall of framed photos that hung on it. Her magenta eyes locked on one of her father wearing a silly grin, and she smiled slightly.
"I'm sorry, Dad. I gave you alot of trouble in recent years. I can't fix that. But I'm gonna live the rest of my life so you'd be proud of me. Treat everyone else a little better. And always try to enjoy the moments I get with my friends and with family. I promise "
She yawned, exhausted from the day's emotional drain. And as her heavy eyes slowly slid closed, she could have sworn the grin on her father's picture got a little bit wider.
