dream

by Duskwingmoth

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Sad
Length: 1364

It’s still here. It won’t leave. It remembers everything.

Sometimes in the fog she finds things.  Rarely can she ever find them again.  But there’s one thing that she keeps finding her way back to, and it scares the life out of her.

Content warning: Fog, amnesia, self-loathing

(I was listening to Silent Hill music I'm sorry)

Published 2021-04-29 20:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-04-29 20:40:01 UTC

recurring

I think my name was Twilight Sparkle once. It’s hard to remember, honestly. There are several names that flit through my head when I dare to think anymore, but that one shows up the most when I regard this vessel. I have to keep reminding myself to do that without any… pony? Is that what I am? What I was? I don’t remember that, either. I don't even remember why I’m here, most of the time. A part of me says that it’s easier this way, the same part that makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry when I do remember.

This place doesn’t make much sense by itself. It’s always foggy. I think that used to be rare here. Ponyville was its name, maybe. Or was called Manehattan? Were those two separate places? I don’t know. Wherever this is, you can’t see two hooves in front of your own face, and I'm pretty sure that used to be a unique occurrence.

I don’t know why I’m talking like there’s somepony else here. I’m the only one. I guess I’m lonely when I do this.

I shouldn’t be lonely. It’s a strange, fundamental wrongness that I have to ignore, because there is nopony else, and there hasn’t been for Celestia knows how long.

Oh. Should avoid that name in the future. I’ve made that note to myself before, I recall.

I remember there used to be a purpose to me walking. At this point I do it just so I don’t spend my time thinking too much. Not that I succeed, obviously.

How long have I been here, I wonder? There’s no way to tell that I've found. Sometimes I’ll find a clock, but it shows several different times at once, and looking at it makes my head feel like it’s splitting in half. So I have to turn away, and let it disappear into the fog. Like everything else.

A lot of things show up out of the fog, sometimes. I never know if I’m walking any set path or just wandering aimlessly, because what shows up doesn’t help as landmarks. Random houses. A marketplace. A castle in marble. A city of crystals. Sometimes I find myself in a forest, and I instinctively become scared of what might be lurking in it before remembering I’m the only creature in the fog.

There used to be a lot of creatures. I used to have some kind of record for all of them (maybe?), and then that faded into the fog, too. Sometimes I’ll remember blurry faces. One fetal position later, and they’re gone. Those faces hurt. I don’t want to remember them. Most of the time, I don't.

But then I’ll get lonely again, and they’re back. I miss them, whoever they were.

One moment.

…

…

…

I got some sleep. Don’t recall what I was crying about.

Body aches. I should stretch. It’s best to do some stretches after you wake up. I don’t remember who told me that. But I do remember always needing to get breakfast from Spike after waking--

Spike.

No. No no no no no nononono no no NO. I have to leave here. I can’t stay near it.

I’m running. Running down the stairs to find Applejack and break the spell Discord put her under.

My hooves stumble down onto the first floor where a crowd of ponies are filing out the door before me because it’s time to watch the sunrise. I barrel through all the incorporeal bodies and slam the front door open to see Pinkie Pie, singing excitedly about Gummy’s birthday party and gallop outside with a song on my breath, because by Celestia, I woke up in a rare mood this morning! The sun is shining through the fog and Rarity and Applejack are stuck out in the rain! They need to come inside!

No! Inside is the last place I want to be right now. I need to get far away from this place but my body isn’t in the shape it used to be, back when I was trying to figure out flying on my brand-new wings with Rainbow Dash’s help and I need to sit for a second. To catch my breath. Not because It willed me to stop. Not this time.

But I still stopped. I was still in Its shadow. It still had power over me while I was here, and It compelled me to look over my shoulder and I sorely wish I hadn’t.

Because while all the other things had melted into the mist and only dimly resembled themselves sometimes, Golden Oaks Library stood out clear as it always had, a great black mass that towered over the empty remnants of Equestria. Of all the things, it had to be the library. It had to be this that stood as the anchor of all that once was. It had to be here that stuck out in the collective unconscious of the country, immune to the curse. Not Canterlot. Not Celestia. Not even the gaudy castle I moved into after this place had been blasted to smithereens.

The library. My library. The only place that could bring all of it back.

It was looking down at me through its windows, the light from inside the door beckoning me back inside where Fluttershy was waiting, cleaning and reorganizing the shelves because she wanted to be a good friend, and certainly she hadn't thought to do it as a favor for the ticket and it was talking to me. It didn’t want me to be out here alone where all the other buildings had disappeared.

It’s as lonely as I am. It wants to swallow me whole and drown me in the memories that will do their best to remind me of how it was my fault. I should have refused Celestia and I should have refused those wings because I hadn’t earned them and in hindsight, I had never wanted them. And I should never have trusted him. I should have seen through his game but he played us all for fools because we wanted to believe that he believed in friendship. That Fluttershy really did mean something to him.

I remember him. The last creature that had been here with me. Discord.

He did this.

And he got to share in the ramifications of what he had done, but only for a while. Because as the creatures succumbed one by one, his power was whittled down to nothing, and a spirit without power can not exist.

But he laughed at me when he faded away, because even though he had done this, I had let him. And his last prank was to leave me here in a world that was only memories anymore. Memories too painful to look at, so I hid them away.

That’s right. I remember. The fog was my idea. I needed it to hide from everything. To hide from this library so it couldn’t tempt me.

It takes all of my willpower to stand back up and walk away from it. Every moment I spend near this library brings shapes back into focus behind the veil of fog, as the only pony left to remember anything does just that. But I can’t remember these things anymore. Without anypony else to remember them with, all they do is leave me in tears.

My name is Twilight Sparkle, sovereign ruler of a land formerly known as Equestria. I am immortal and ageless, and I am trapped alone in my phantom kingdom of the dead.

I disappear into the fog, where Twilight Sparkle will die as I wander. And even as I do, I know I will find my way back to this towering gnarled monument, and it will happen all over again. I know that one day I will fail to walk away. Maybe next time will be that time.

I look forward to it as much as I fear it.

Author's Note

Well, I'm alone there now...
In our "special place"...
Waiting for you...
Waiting for you to
come and see me.
But you never do.