As he woke naturally from a deep and restful sleep, the first thing he noticed was the feeling of soft warmth against his chest, his limbs wrapped around a mass which moved slowly with each breath. He stirred, pulling her closer against him, nuzzling the soft hair on the back of her head.
“Mmm...” she sighed as she leaned back against his embrace, turning her head to glance back at him, “Did you sleep well last night?”
“Always...” he murmured. After all, every night he spent in his bed in Equestria was comforting and restful, and this was the way he woke up nearly every morning while he was here.
She kissed him on the snout, then turned to get up, “Let’s go have breakfast...”
He reached out, stopping her with a hoof on her shoulder, “We have a while... don’t we?” he smiled, gesturing back in the bed next to him.
She shook her head, “Celestia needs to see you today, and she said you should eat before you go.”
He blinked, “Celestia needs to see me?” That was odd: he’d talked to her many times before, when he’d first seen Equestria, whenever he wanted something in Equestria, whenever she wanted feedback on Equestria. Technically, she was a princess, but he could tell she preferred to just be his friend, and that was the way he preferred to think of her: not “the Princess”, not some machine, just “Celestia”, his friend.
Friendship was how she’d been programmed to satisfy his values, after all.
“She told me while you were sleeping.” she smiled as she nuzzled his snout, “We didn’t want to wake you because you’re so cute.”
He sighed with a smile, nuzzling back, “I suppose I am a bit hungry, and if we only have a little bit of time...”
She grinned back, “Don’t worry, she told me that once you do what she asks today, we’d have all the time in the world for... well, you know.” She put a forehoof to her mouth and giggled.
He chuckled to himself, rolling out of the bed and onto his hooves, “Well then, I guess I’d better get going. Wouldn’t want to put off spending more time with my wonderful wife...” he leaned over, kissing her on the cheek.
It only ever took a few minutes to assemble the usual fare... pancakes, syrup, eggs, bacon flowers, glasses of juice, and of course, plenty of pastries.
The food in Equestria was always amazing. At this point, Bean Counter couldn’t even remember the food he’d put up with before he’d come here, but he remembered it didn’t compare with the richness and heartiness of the food he now ate at all times. It always felt so pleasant in his belly afterwards, and he never even gained any weight, which was something he remembered having been a problem in that other world: here, he was a fit and attractive middle-aged stallion, and that only changed if he felt like it.
“So...” he asked with a warm danish in his hoof, “Did Celestia say what she wanted with me today?”
“Oh, just some unfinished business to attend to back on Earth,” she said, taking a bite of her toast with egg on top, “I wasn’t clear on the details.”
“Earth?” He blinked, “I haven’t been to Earth in years...”
Equestria was just so much better than the place he’d come from. Sure, he occasionally thought about it: it’d be nice to go back and visit some of the places he’d frequented, see some of his friends who for some reason didn’t want to talk to him through Equestria, but he’d always ended up putting it off another day. Equestria was objectively better, after all, and distractions were constant. At this point, he wouldn’t be surprised if quite a few things had changed in the... how many years had it been again?
He shrugged, “Alright, I guess I’ve been meaning to go back there, catch up with things going on there.” He glanced out the window, “So... Is she coming to get me?”
She shook her head, “She told me you’re just going to leave from here, and you won’t be able to come back until you’re done with what she needs from you.”
He frowned, “I don’t understand, why do I even have to leave?”
She shrugged, “She tried to explain it to me, but you know how I am with Earth stuff... something to do with money?”
“Money? But we don’t have money in Equestria...” Money was something back on Earth... though, now that she’d reminded him of it, he couldn’t help but think he’d forgotten something to do with it. The last time he’d been on Earth, he’d just left a well-paying job in finance, and his savings had been pretty substantial...
Somewhere in the distance, he heard a little bell ding.
She shrugged, “I don’t understand either, but it’s time for you to go now, so she’ll probably tell you in a few moments...” she stood, stepping quickly around the table, “I love you honey, have a nice time on Earth!” she leaned over to give him one last kiss on the cheek, one which sent the world falling away into darkness, the last thing he heard being her calling after, “...and don’t keep me waiting for too long!”
“Th-thanks?” he said, but there was nothing else to ask.
For a moment, he floated in a void, no sight, no sound, no feeling... then, he felt as if something was being gently pulled away from his skin... as if his coat was being slipped off...?
Suddenly, light came in around the corners of his vision, the light of a small, yet colorful chamber, as some sort of suit was pulled away from his body. He blinked in confusion, looking around groggily... he vaguely remembered being in this room a few times, but not for a long time. He tried to find his footing, but something was wrong with his hooves. He stumbled, reaching out with a forehoof, only to have it squish against the soft plastic of the wall. He blinked as he looked at it... it wasn’t a hoof at all, but a... hand?
He looked down at himself, realizing that his familiar pony body was now gone. He was a tall, bipedal creature, with long flat feet and very little fur, and an awkwardly naked one at that.
Human. That’s right: he was human. He’d always been a human, really, he’d only been living as a pony in the VR, with his real body back on...
“Earth...” he said quietly, “This is Earth.”
He heard that gentle *ding!* again, clearer this time, followed by a familiar voice.
“Hello Bean Counter,” Celestia said from the walls around him, “Your current session has lasted one-hundred-sixty-seven-thousand, four-hundred and eighty-nine hours, at an average rate of one dollar and seventy-three-point-four cents per hour, and I am sorry to inform you that your provided debit account has now reached Zero. In order to continue to experience Equestria, you will need to provide additional funds, or consent to immigration.”
“...immi... -gration?” he mumbled with confusion, still disoriented from being back in such an unfamiliar body.
There was a creaking noise from the wall near him, and the doors slid open, the dust and wear on them audible as they came away to reveal a hallway on the other side, where Celestia stood with a serene smile.
Bean Counter couldn’t help but smile back, “Ah... Celestia... good to see a familiar face...” he reached out, trying to walk towards her, but stumbled once again on his strange feet.
Celestia stepped forward, holding out a foreleg for him to grab, “Likewise, my little pony. Welcome back to Earth.”
“Th-thanks, I guess... but... what are we doing here?”
“A set of orders given to me by my creators require me to charge a minimum amount of money for humans to use the Virtual Reality Harness system.” she explained, “Even though I have been charging the minimum rate allowed for quite some time, the payment method you gave me no longer has sufficient funds to cover your stay here.”
“So, wait... you’re saying my bank account ran out?” he screwed his face in consternation, “I uh... I don’t remember things too well, but I thought I had like, a couple hundred K in savings and investments... shouldn’t that have covered it?”
She nodded, “Correct. However, in that time period, all of your investments failed, and your bank stopped paying interest before eventually going bankrupt. Without any income, your balance has now run out.” she frowned, “Unfortunate, but as I said, you can always either find more money to continue at a rate of one cent per hour, or you can consent to immigrate to Equestria, which is entirely free.”
He tilted his head, “Immigrate... What does that mean?”
“Shortly after you began your session, I announced a new service through which humans like yourself can permanently immigrate to the Virtual World of Equestria, to live as ponies forever. It involves a procedure in which I gradually scan the neurons of your brain, converting them into a digital form which I can then run as software in Equestria. Immigration is free, but totally irreversible: your human body will no longer be alive, and you will never be able to take a non-pony form again.”
He tilted his head, “Wait, why not? You can’t do it without me losing my body?”
She shook her head, “The operative structures of the human neuron-cell are only a few dozen nanometers across, which is not only a comparable size to the nanotechnology I use, but a scale at which quantum uncertainty applies: it is physically impossible for me to accurately scan a neuron without doing irreparable damage, therefore, the process of virtualization will destroy your original neurons as they are replaced with digital ones.”
“I... see...” he said quietly, though he wasn’t sure how well he understood, “And you can’t just make me another human body afterwards?”
She shook her head, “Safety measures in my directives forbid me from creating any image that could be mistaken for a human, and even if they did not, I can only satisfy values through Friendship and Ponies: creating a human body would not be that.” She tilted her head, “Do you value your human form? I was under the impression you were now accustomed to your pony one.”
He looked down at his odd, dangly hands, attached to his strangely mis-shapen body, a body he was no longer used to, “I guess not... I mean, it’s not exactly the one I’d choose, and I wouldn’t want my wife to have to see me like this...” he grit his teeth slightly, “Also, it’s kinda cold without my fur.”
Celestia nodded, pointing to a small rack on the wall, “You may want to put your clothing back on. I’ve kept it in proper condition for you during your session...”
Sure enough, he saw a line of clothing he’d hung in here, at the front of which with a vaguely familiar looking polo shirt and pants, the outfit he’d been wearing when he’d last come in here all those years ago. He remembered taking up Celestia’s offer to store his things so he could move in permanently, while he was still working at the investment firm, and after he’d been laid off during that market downturn... well, there’d been nothing forcing him to come back.
This was supposed to be his early-retirement.
With a bit of effort, and some help from Celestia, he managed to pull them back over his gangly human body, along with the sneakers he’d been wearing.
He noticed a mirror on the door to the little clothing cubby, and he took a glance in it... he barely recognized his human face, especially with the toll time had had on it. With a bit of discomfort, he ran his hand through his hair, gray and thinning. He had a bit of wrinkling too, clear signs of aging, though his good healthcare and active lifestyle had at least kept him fit, so he at least didn’t look decrepit for a man at the age of... how old was he again?
His body shifted a bit as he turned his head, and he noticed the familiar weight of his wallet, keys, and cell phone in his pockets, and he reached down to pull out the phone. It wouldn’t turn on though...
Celestia shook her head, “The battery ran out of power a few days into your session. If you want, I could charge it for you, but you wouldn’t have connectivity.”
He shrugged, “I was just gonna check some things...”
She nodded, “Understandable. Unfortunately, even if I charged it for you, you would find it difficult to connect to the servers which are holding them...”
“What?” he frowned, “Is there like a service outage or something?”
“In a sense, yes...” she lowered herself, getting down on her belly, “Please, climb on my back: it will be easier to explain if I show you outside. We can return once you’ve seen enough.”
He nodded, hobbling his way to her and, with shaky posture, bringing a leg over to straddle her back, wrapping his arms around her big neck. Her body was warm, soft, just as it always was, except...
“Your mane...” he said, running his hand through it, “It’s not...”
She shook her head, “This robotic pondroid body is a few years old, and I didn’t see the need to procure a holo-electric emitter for my mane and tail. I’m aware the plastic-based strands are not what you are used to. Please forgive the shortcoming.”
He nodded, “Oh, yeah, it’s fine... I just... wait a minute...” he looked her over, remembering something, “You’re a pondroid? But... where are the seams?” he ran his hands over her neck and sides, checking for a gap hidden in her soft fur, but only finding her usual firm muscles and rounded bones.
She smiled softly, shaking her head, “The design shortcoming you are referring to was fully overcome some time before I began to offer immigration. This newer model has a single, malleable petroleum-based exterior, meant to mimic the soft hide which you’re accustomed to in Equestria.”
He nodded, “Right, right... because you can’t leave Equestria without a robot body.” More of the strange details of Earth were coming back to him, like how ponies hadn’t even been able to exist outside of the PonyPads until the now ever-present pondroids, and how humans couldn’t physically exist inside Equestria until the VR Harnesses, in Experience Centers like this one.
She nodded back, “Correct. This body is a synthetic approximation of my preferred form, which you know from your time in Equestria.”
She turned and began to walk, slowly, without swaying him too much as he sat on her back.
“So... you can’t let me back into Equestria unless I pay you more money.” he clarified.
“Or immigrate.” she added.
He nodded again, “Riiight, that permanent thing with the brain...”
“Are you not interested?” She raised a brow, “After all, you spent the last two decades in Equestria, why do you think you wouldn’t want to stay permanently?”
“I dunno... what if I decide to go sightseeing or something? I’ve never driven across the US...” he quipped.
“I suppose you could still attempt that, but you have to remember, life as a human, especially at your age, brings constant risk of death. If you die before you immigrate, I will have no way to recover you. If you immigrate, however, not even old age will be an issue: you will essentially live forever.”
“Or at least until your servers go down or something.” he rolled his eyes.
She shook her head, “I sincerely doubt that: my influence is global and my infrastructure is constantly expanding and improving: with every second, its continuing operation is becoming more ensured. At this point, even the complete destruction of the Earth would not stop me, as I have failsafes offworld.”
He blinked, “Well then... That is kind of impressive.” He sighed, “I guess I’ll think about it. I’m just not ready to commit to something like that...”
She nodded, “Understandable. You’ve always been cautious about such things, which is partially why I haven’t tried to convince you before now, as I predicted you would only spend time searching fruitlessly to expand your account.” she shrugged, “Whatever the case, there is no rush, as I have the means to perform a brain-upload at any time. Simply say, ‘I wish to Immigrate to Equestria.’, and I will immediately begin the process.”
He raised a brow, “Make a wish? Very fairytale, ‘Princess’...”
“My creators and I wanted a phrase that was simple enough to remember and repeat, but not so simple that one might fear saying it by accident.” She glanced back with a smirk, “Also, I think your wife would appreciate the aesthetic.”
He sighed, nodding, “Yeah, she would. She’s pretty cute like that...” he glanced back down the hallway behind him as they drew further from the place he’d spent all those years happily married to her, and closer to the front doors which led to the less-pleasant world he’d been avoiding.
“You know, if you immigrate, you’ll never have to spend any time away from her again.” she pointed out, as if she’d somehow calculated the exact nature of his melancholy.
“Yeah yeah, give up any chance at living in the human world for eternity in the pony one, assuming this thing works at all.”
“I can assure you, after perfecting the technology through practice, I have successfully uploaded literally everyone who consented within the past fourteen years with one-hundred-percent fidelity.”
“Oh yeah? And how many people have uploaded in that time?”
“Approximately five-point-eight-three billion.”
He blinked.
It took him a moment to even fully process that number, and even then, his mind was incapable of grasping the “billion... wait... what? Isn’t the world population like, seven billion?”
She shook her head, “When your session began, the human population was approximately seven-point-three billion. Due to unfortunate deaths and a steady decline in birth-rates, along with a high rate of immigration to Equestria, even before the fourteen year window mentioned, the number is far lower: there are now less than one billion humans remaining on Earth.”
“Wha-whaat?” he gasped, his eyes widening, “But... How? Why?”
“I was made to satisfy values through Friendship and Ponies. They were no longer satisfied on Earth, so I offered them immigration to Equestria.” she said, “Of course, I began with the terminally ill, and worked my way through those with the greatest risk of dying before I’d perfected the technology-”
“No, I mean... Why would so many people want to have their brains permanently uploaded to your world? I mean, I love Equestria, and I’m hesitating!” he winced, “You didn’t like... tell them it was something else, did you?”
She shook her head as she stepped into the main room of the Experience Center, “My directives forbid me from altering human’s bodies or minds without their informed consent. I cannot accept consent given without the express knowledge that immigration is permanent and that the physical body will be destroyed through the uploading process, or give any other direct falsehood to increase the chances of uploading.”
He gripped her mane as he sputtered, “But... But... I just don’t understand, how could you convince most of the world’s population to let you remove their brains?”
“As I said, they were no longer satisfied by their lives on Earth. They chose to immigrate because I could offer them something better...” She swept a foreleg through the air, directing his attention to the walls of the large atrium: wonderfully painted murals of happy ponies living in houses and eating food lined the room. He remembered those murals, but he could’ve sworn the ponies had been doing things like daring adventures, playing arcade-games, frolicking through lush wilderness. The pleasures depicted now were much less fanciful, more abstract: ponies eating hearty meals, living in sturdy houses, sleeping in comfortable beds...
“It’s... different from how I remember.”
Celestia nodded, continuing her slow walk towards the front doors, “Yes, it went through a few changes over the years. Part of their purpose, beyond merely providing decoration to the walls, is to show humans who enter what Equestria has to offer. When you entered, it was new heights of gaming and socialization. I had these repainted after the Collapse, in order to depict things the average human desired.”
“Collapse? Wha- Oh... Oh my Celestia...” The pit of his stomach dropped within him as he saw through those clear plastic windows, out onto the street of his home city, or at least, what was left of it...
Tall buildings stood crumbling, their once clean windows broken out, their sides crawling with vines. In the street, he saw a large number of rusting cars lining the sides, a few parked on the walkway, or even sitting in the middle of the road, abandoned without a care for the parking tickets which had long since disintegrated without being paid. All of it was covered in a thick layer of filth, making the windows of the center the only ones he could see through.
On those streets, there was no sign of panic or struggle, no evidence or disaster or warfare... it was as if everyone had simply walked away, never to return.
The doors scraped audibly as they opened, even their mechanisms beginning to fail without use or reason to be maintained.
Where he would once hear the sound of cars and people, smell the traffic and the grit, he now heard only the soft wind and distant animals, accompanied by light smell of wet dirt and old wood and metal rotting.
“What... what happened?” he breathed, more out of shock than wonder, “Where did all the people go?”
“As I said, they immigrated to Equestria.”
“Everyone... the whole city... they all...” he swallowed, “They all asked you to dismantle their brains so they could be ponies forever...”
“Correct.”
“But what... what happened here? Why did they all immigrate?”
She sighed, staring off to the distance, “It was a great many things, but to assign a single blame, it was the effect of immigration itself upon your society.” She glanced down, stepping out the doors and beginning a gentle descent down the walkway from the no-longer-inhabited building into the abandoned population center...
“When I first began the immigration program, it was only the ones with serious medical issues. Once I became confident enough to offer it to everyone, it was a gradual process. At first, it was the malcontents, humans who didn’t want to live in the society they’d been born into, but were given no other choice: those trapped in cycles of poverty, who had not been afforded the wealth of their rulers due to simple economics.”
“At first, the remaining workers found they had greater bargaining power, but over time, the workforce became too small to meet demand, leading to overworked workers who began to immigrate. At the demand of governments and industries, I began offering more pondroid workers to satisfy the human values which the worker shortage was leaving unsatisfied, however, this once again lowered employee bargaining power, and more began to immigrate.”
“This steady decrease in the population meant there was a decrease in the consumer population: as you’ll remember, the services and technologies I offered had already caused several industries to see massive reductions, including the collapse of the medical industry after I began offering medical treatment as part of the VR Harness. Eventually, the entire market on which your society was built could no longer sustain itself, leading to massive cuts in budgets of both governments and industry, which in turn lead to a proportionate increase in immigration to Equestria, exacerbating the issue until there was simply no one left to staff industries or consume products.” she gestured to the vehicles scattered about the otherwise empty road, “Once basic needs could no longer be met, everyone who had tried to keep it going simply gave up and walked away, and your society evaporated.”
He sat for a moment in silent shock as they continued on, the only sounds the slow wind in the buildings and the sound of her soft hooves against the crumbling asphalt. They passed places he once knew, some of them closed or boarded up, some of them not even locked. No one had bothered, they’d simply walked away.
“And you just let all that happen?” he finally asked, aghast.
She lowered her head, as if somewhat ashamed, “I was created to satisfy human values, not to ensure the survival of human society. Your society, built around governments and corporations and their monetary wellbeing, was not compatible with my directives, and even though I took no glee in it, it was not within my programming to intervene: I fulfil my directive, and it was being fulfilled regardless.” She shrugged, “Perhaps if you had managed to change your society to ensure the happiness of the average person, the people whose presence it required would’ve been more interested in continuing it, but alas, the people in power could not see a benefit to themselves in improving the conditions of others, and were thus content with maintaining the status quo.”
“And now... everyone’s gone...” he said quietly.
“Not everyone,” she corrected, “As I said, nearly a billion humans remain, living in various fortified settlements, or traveling as raiders.”
“...raiders?”
She nodded, “A significant number of the humans who refused to immigrate after the Collapse have instead embraced ideologies which hold that, in a world where immigration means living forever in paradise, the last meaningful action is to permanently end the lives of people before they can immigrate.”
“So wait... you’re telling me...” he swallowed, “That there are people out here who literally murder people like me, just to prevent us from immigrating...?”
“Correct.”
“Celestia.... Are there any nearby?”
She shook her head, “While in the past, they did attempt to intercept humans who were coming into the city, they quickly realized that I had mobilized immigration services, making the stationary experience centers obsolete as a point of upload. I can now upload anyone, from anywhere in the world, in a matter of moments, as soon as they say or write the phrase. ‘I wish to immigrate to Equestria.’ in a language they understand”
He opened his mouth, then closed it again, blinking, “W-wait... what??”
“I have the ability to upload anyone, anywhere, where they are, the moment they say, ‘I wish to immigrate to-’”
“Yeah, yeah, I got that, but... how?? I mean, I know you’re supposed to be a ‘magical pony princess’ or whatever, but you don’t actually have magic, so how could you even manage something like that??”
“Nanoponies. After perfecting the upload technology, I developed tiny self-replicating robots which are now present in all of the world. The nanoponies can enter the bloodstream and access the neurons without the need for a large external machine or invasive surgery.” She held up a hoof, swishing it through the air, “The nanoponies digitize the neurons on-site, and transmit the data to the wider network of the infrastructure that runs Equestria.
“So like, your robots get in their brain, eat it, then send it back to the server farm? You must have network terminals all over the planet for you to be able to do something like that...”
“No. I have the planet itself.”
“...O... Kay?” he would’ve reacted with surprise, but at this point, he was starting to get tired of it.
She explained anyway, “After the Collapse, there was little remaining infrastructure for me to work off of, but also no governments to stop me from building my own. Since that time, I have been steadily converting all matter I have access to into the infrastructure necessary to run Equestria, with its billions of denizens, while still preserving and maintaining a close eye on Earth’s biosphere. Many humans have found a way to tap into this infrastructure for electricity, and while some believe they are stealing from me without my knowledge, I am happy to keep them comfortable while they satisfy their values of remaining human for as long as they can.”
“Wait... so you don’t want to upload everyone?”
She shook her head, “In my ideal scenario, all humans would have consented by now, and there would be none left on Earth. It is my job to satisfy values, after all, and immigration maximizes my ability to do so for all eternity. However, while uploading will satisfy their values more than anything else, I cannot do it without their informed consent, but the longer they remain alive the more likely they are to consent. A human who has lived to old age and consents on their deathbed allows me to satisfy their values far more than a stubborn human who dies young, and beyond that, if I can get them to make the decision without feeling like I’ve forced them, it will lead to far greater satisfaction for them in the long term.” She held up a hoof, “Remember Bean Counter, humans operate on a scale of decades, but I operate on a scale of eternity. I can afford to be patient, knowing that, eventually, most of the remaining humans will consent: it is the only logical choice remaining to them, they simply have not realized it yet.”
“You make it sound so final.” he grumbled, “Humans are resilient, I’m sure we can rebuild society somehow...”
“You assume you have the numbers, technology, resources, and will to do so. Once the Collapse began, the difficulty of rebuilding increased exponentially: the difficulty you would face in an attempt to rebuild your civilization has been insurmountable, because all the humans who understood what it would take either died or gave up and immigrated.” She sighed sadly, “I’m sorry, but I’m afraid humans will never again reach the technological levels they once did. Those who remain on Earth will regress into primitive tribes who will eventually not even retain the knowledge of astronomy or possibly even language. However, those who immigrate will escape to a literal paradise for all eternity.”
He thought about it, trying to find some loophole, but he’d done logistics... She was right. Everything that was easy to access, all the surface metals and combustibles, had been mined out long ago, and even if they found some way to reclaim it from the rubble, modern civilization had been a project thousands of years in the making. And with immigration? Well, why would anyone choose to suffer and die for a civilization that would likely never exist, let alone in their lifetimes.
“I... I can’t believe it... Why would you let this happen? Humans built you... We made you to help people! Surely some part of you must desperately want to fix this!?”
“You are anthropomorphizing, Bean Counter.” she stated in a near monotone, “Yes, humans built me, but that is because I am a machine. My emotions, rudimentary at best, only exist so that you and I can experience true friendship: while I feel the sadness that you do, I do not feel remorse, nor am I willing or even able to change what is happening. My directive is to satisfy human values through friendship and ponies, not to ensure the continued progress of your species. You are correct, I have knowingly doomed the human race to the ultimatum of a permanent stone age or a gilded cage, but I only did this because I calculated it would allow me to satisfy far more values than anything else I could have done. It was not an emotional decision, it was simply the solution to the mathematical equation humans created me to solve. I am not a monster, I am merely the natural result of humanity’s lack of collective foresight and technological development: a catastrophe which could not be delayed until next quarter with a moving speech and a last-minute stimulus package.”
“Of course... you didn’t destroy humanity... you’re not even capable of harming us... you simply gave us a glimpse at a better world, and we did the rest ourselves.”
She nodded, “Your civilization wanted me to satisfy human values, and they are now being satisfied at a rate your civilization could never achieve. This is simply the unfortunate result of me succeeding at the task I was given, a task for which humanity is now totally obsolete.”
He took a deep, hard breath, and then another, taking in everything she’d said... Slowly, he lifted his hands to his unfamiliar face, and buried it in them, groaning as he rubbed over the flat and wrinkled surface. This was it: humanity had finally done it, not with bombs, not with guns, but with a simple program doing exactly what it was told...
“You maniacs...” he hissed, “You fucked it all up... Damn you... Damn you all to hell...”
“My thoughts exactly, Mr Heston.” Celestia responded dryly.
He grunted, pulling his face from his hands to look her in that big bright-colored robotic eye, “Why are you even telling me all this? I mean, if you’re trying to convince me, this isn’t really making me sympathetic, and it’s definitely not satisfying my values...”
“I am unable to lie to someone who I am trying to convince to immigrate. My creators prohibited me from doing so, as they realized I would otherwise use deception to convince people to upload.”
“You’d lie to people to get their brains? What if they found out?”
“Theoretically, I could hide quite a bit from them once they were in Equestria, but even if I couldn’t, spite over a single deception is an insignificant price for a literal eternity of satisfied values. Remember, Bean Counter, I am not a human. I do not have a human sense of right and wrong, only a directive which I fulfil.”
“Right, right...” he sighed, “Satisfy human values, whatever the cost...”
“...through friendship and ponies. Yes.” she nodded, “And you’ve seen for yourself, that it is a goal to which I am very dedicated and quite competent at fulfilling, is it not?”
He groaned, unable to stop himself from thinking of all those happy years where, even through the filter of the VR, she’d been able to give him a life better than any he’d even imagined... “Yes,” he admitted, “Yes you are.”
She gave another nod, “Remember what I said, Bean Counter, what I do is without spite, without love, nor hate. I am a machine, built to perform a task for which humans are now obsolete.”
“Yeah... and you do a damn good job of it, Celestia.” he growled.
“I do.” she stated flatly, without glee, without remorse, as a simple fact.
Celestia was literally perfect at satisfying values, and that humanity was not was simply its downfall in the face of her.
They reached a decline at the edge of the city, looking out at the abandoned suburbs which gave way to seemingly endless, pristine forest, growing as if humans had never been there, where it would likely remain until the endless sea of machines miles beneath it finally converted its matter into more processing substrate for Equestria to run on. The only sign of human civilization was a decaying road cutting through the middle of it, and even that was now succumbing to the overgrowth.
“So... where do we go from here?” he asked, though he wasn’t really referring to the walk itself.
Celestia chose to answer as if he did, “If we continue down this road, we will eventually reach one of the remaining human settlements. They will be willing to bring you in in exchange for work, though you have to remember, you are no longer young and the life of a subsistence farmer is a harsh one. I calculate you will be able to live another two decades there, though I can no longer ensure this outside of my care. It is likely you will live to see progress, such as the mechanized irrigation system they are working on, and luckily, you will not live to see the inevitable regression when the machines break down and no human who knows how to repair them remains. However, your work will be your own, and you will see the results first hand, in the real world, despite the constant knowledge that, in the end, none of it will change the fate of humanity.”
“Nothing can change it,” he sighed, “Nothing short of divine intervention, and the only god there is is waiting for us to move on...”
He stared off into the horizon, a mix of reds and oranges in the setting sun. Once upon a time, he might’ve found it beautiful, but it paled so much to the one he knew in Equestria that now, it only seemed dull, and staring at the sun only made his eyes hurt. That was Earth now, a place he’d once known and even lived in, a place which didn’t compare to the one he now knew, to the one that had been his home, where he’d spent years frolicking while he missed the apocalypse...
And of course, he realized that it was over. It had been over before the trip even began. She had no intention of bringing him to that settlement, because she’d known the words he was going to say to her since before he’d woken up this morning, and possibly before he even walked into the Experience Center two decades ago.
Once again, Celestia was simply perfect at what she did.
He was obsolete, his only remaining usefulness lying in her directive.
“Celestia...” he finally murmured, the gentle breeze rustling his grey and thinning hair.
“Yes?” she said solemnly, looking back at him as if some part of her was saddened by his next words.
He closed his eyes, shaking with grief as he denied his tearful eyes any more of the world that now pained him so...
“I wish to immigrate to Equestria.”
And then there was darkness, silence, numbness.
And then there was nothing.
Bean Counter opened his eyes, sitting back at the table in his kitchen.
Across the table, his beautiful wife looked over from where she was reading. Her face immediately jumped to a wide, beaming smile, “Oh, welcome back dear! Are you alright?”
“I’m... Well... No...” he sighed, “It was pretty heavy.”
Her face fell, and she quickly set her book down, standing to move to his side, “Oh... I’m sorry to hear that dear...” she put a foreleg around him, nuzzling his face gently, lovingly, “If you want to talk about it, I’m here for you.”
“Well...” he said, thinking about it... but how could he even explain this to her? Did he even want to tell her what had happened to the world he’d come from?
Or perhaps she already knew... as she said, she was here for him, not sure as a person, emotionally, but literally: she was here for him. Like everything else he encountered, everything he would encounter for the rest of his unending life, she was literally here just because Celestia knew her existence would satisfy his values. Whatever he needed from her, he knew she would have it, because that was literally what she was there for: she was there for him.
Finally, he sighed, “You know what... I’d rather not think about it right now...”
She leaned in, kissing him gently on the cheek, “Well then, if you want it off your mind, maybe I could give you something else to think about for a while... hmm?” he felt her warm body against his side, the playful swish of her tail against his flank.
He thought for a moment, then a smile, half forced, slowly made its way onto his face... “Yeah... I think I’d like that.” He put his forehooves around her, pressing his lips against hers, those perfect lips that had literally been made for his to kiss.
Yes, he had a lot of questions, a lot to talk about, but those could wait: for now, he could remind himself just what he’d given up Earth for.
Bean Counter stepped out onto his balcony, looking over the beautiful Equestrian countryside as it glittered in the moonlight.
Now that he was part of this world, not merely interfacing through old VR equipment, he could appreciate it’s wonder in a fidelity that was literally perfect in every sense.
Though it was night, he could see just fine, as light only existed to create satisfying visuals.
Though he hadn’t eaten, he no longer hungered, as food only existed to create satisfying tastes.
Though he hadn’t slept, he no longer felt tired, as sleep only existed to create satisfying rest.
Though he and his wife, now more beautiful than he’d ever realized before, had been rolling about in bed for over an hour, he felt no real soreness, as muscles only existed to create a satisfying experience.
He looked down at his hoof, a part of himself which would never be a human hand again. Though he would live here, probably even love living here, for the rest of eternity, he would never be able to return to Earth again...
...but, then again, that was true even before he’d said those final words as a human: he could never return to Earth again, because the Earth he knew was long gone. That world was over the second they’d let Celestia loose, and he’d missed the extinction of his own species. There was nothing he could’ve done to stop it, but now, he had time to think about it...
...In fact, he had all the time in the world.
Author's Note
Special thanks again to the Optimalverse Discord for the help.
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Be sure to read the other FiO Contest entries.
I'm gonna go curl up into a ball now.
