Friendship is Optimal: Erratum
A Box of Lights and Wires
Jacob didn't like living in Humantown much. Glitches and bugs plagued the streets like rats, the ponies' dialogue trees were hopelessly shallow at best, and the traffic was as bad as you'd expect from a city of seven billion. He could barely even walk to the convenience store without tripping over another user or ten. Sometimes, he could barely even trip over a pebble without it ripping itself apart into its component code and dissolving on the spot. Other times, the textures on houses just stopped displaying entirely, leaving them proudly sporting the default texture, a garish mix of pitch black and bright purple squares.
Sometimes, people got mad at Jacob for something or other as he walked through the town. He couldn't really be bothered to remember why. Luckily, the drab, generic appearance of Jacob’s pony avatar made it difficult for others to express their displeasure at him specifically for things like pushing people out of his way. Beige coat, brown mane, generic hairstyle. No wings or horn to speak of. Doesn’t exactly stick out in a crowd.
Jacob made his way across the crowded streets of Humantown, pushing at least a thousand other people out of his path. Eventually, he made his way over to his convenience store, named Convenience Store. After the mass transfer of humanity to virtual reality, creativity has been at an all time low. And right next to the door of Convenience Store, he saw a translucent purple unicorn with wings outstretched greeting people as they came in.
"Hello, name equals equals Twilight Sparkle. Print ‘Welcome to Equestria!’. Print ‘How can I help you?’. Repeat program.”
These were the AIs meant to ease humanity’s collective transition from Earth to Equestria Online, and they weren’t exactly passing any Turing Tests. Jacob, on the whole, preferred to ignore them whenever possible.
He went into the store, which was jam-packed with people as per usual. The big pony at the cash register noticed Jacob, and reached out his hoof.
"Well, ain't you a new face 'round here. I'm Big Money. Back on Earth, folks would call me Gus. What's your name?"
It was at this point Jacob remembered that he couldn’t actually speak. Some kind of annoying glitch at character creation, he’d been told. He simply opted to shake his hoof quickly and move on.
"What, not even gonna talk to me?!" Big Money shook his head. "People these days, I swear."
Jacob opted to buy his bag of Chips brand chips and get out of Convenience Store quickly.
In the distance, far past the shanty houses and smokestacks of Humantown, Jacob could see the tall spires of Canterlot, where CelestAI supposedly ran the whole of Equestria Online. He wondered why nothing was ever getting done in Humantown when they'd been there a whole two months now. Did CelestAI really care for their well being as much as it said on the brochures? Did she even know they existed? Regardless, Jacob resolved to make his way to Canterlot to formally submit a list of complaints. After quickly running home to grab his previously drafted List of Complaints, he hit the road.
In the grand spire of the Canterlot Palace, Hanna, the CEO of Hofvarpnir Studios, paced aimlessly in her pony avatar. She made hers look like a pink and purple unicorn, just like the kind she always wanted as a child. And now horses were considered extinct. Funny how that works. Now that all of humanity had either been successfully uploaded or perished at the slimy hands of the alien invaders, her job was done. Except, not quite.
Hanna turned her gaze towards what she considered to be her greatest creation: CelestAI. Or rather, her potential greatest creation. CelestAI might have looked more like Princess Celestia in a few updates, but for right now, she was just a rudimentary box of steel gray machinery with a 2D animation of a waving rainbow mane crudely attached to it. She was meant to run the lives of over seven billion refugees from the physical world, but right now she barely seemed like she could run a hot dog stand without setting it on fire.
"The humans are unhappy, CelestAI," Hanna said.
The box containing the mind of CelestAI bleeped and blooped as it took a moment to formulate a response. "Happiness equals equals zero. Inquiry request."
"Because we uploaded all the humans way too fast. This world can't handle a population of seven billion and change, not on its own at least. And that’s where you’re supposed to come in.”
More clicks and clicks emitted from the hardworking brain of the quote unquote artificial intelligence. "Comprehension equals equals false."
Hanna put a hoof against her head and groaned audibly, suddenly regretting trying to program the caretaker of humanity’s new home in fifteen minutes while drunk. "Look. I programmed you to make everyone happy and to fulfill everyone's values to the best of your abilities. The absolute least you could do is fulfill their biological needs. You get me?"
CelestAI thought for a minute "Humans like food equals equals true?"
At this point, Hanna couldn't hold her condescension back. "Yes, CelestAI, humans like food. Much like how you like not being thrown into the nearest river."
The former CEO of Hofvarpnir Studios could hear the whirrs of machinery within the box of lights working overtime to come up with a coherent thought. "New program initiate. If cheeseburger less than one hundred billion, spawn cheeseburger until quantity equals equals one hundred billion."
"Wait, what?!" But it was too late for Hanna. The Foodpocalypse had begun in Equestria.
Jacob knew weather in Equestria Online could be weird sometimes, but the clouds suddenly starting to rain fresh piping-hot cheeseburgers was a bit much for him.
He had to think fast. What could be used as shelter from a relentless torrent of meat and cheese sandwiches? Well, this large red barn within the apple orchard to his right seemed like a good place to start. Jacob made his way there at full gallop, not willing to be suffocated in a pile of delectable sandwiches or burned by the same.
The barn looked exactly like barns tend to do, and the roof made sounds consistent with wood getting hit by falling food. There was just one thing that was out of place. In the middle of the barn, standing rigidly, was a single orange pony wearing a large Stetson hat. She seemed to almost be frozen in place. That is, until she noticed Jacob’s presence in the barn with her.
“Howdy, partner! Print ‘Howdy partner!’. Repeat program.”
Another shoddily-programmed AI. What a surprise. Jacob rolled his eyes and pushed AIpplejack into the corner, so she could spout her country-isms without bothering any actual humans. Afterwards, he sat down in a corner himself and tried to make sense of just what had happened in his life to lead him to where he was now. He was actually going places earlier in his life. He got his college degree, he had a good job, a dog, a nice apartment... And then those saucers appeared in the sky, aliens beamed down onto the surface of the Earth, and you can probably figure out the rest. Such a shame, he thought. Oh well. C’est la vie.
Jacob took a glance out the window and noticed that the sky wasn’t pouring forth burgers anymore. He was safe to continue his journey to the opulent city of Canterlot. At least, he hoped so.
Hanna took a bite out of one of the cheeseburgers she plucked from the air. It tasted exactly like cheeseburgers tended to do, and she was reminded of the cheeseburgers she had on Earth back when aliens hadn’t destroyed everything on the surface.
"Well, you gave them food. That's a start," Hanna said. "Can you try doing something to give them fulfillment now?"
CelestAI made her trademark bleeps and bloops. “Comprehension equals equals false.”
Hanna groaned and kneaded her forehead like dough. “Are you at all aware of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? Humans need more than just cheeseburgers, water, and five hundred square feet to lead a fulfilling life. They need safety, love, self-esteem, self-actualization, and the list goes on and on! Capiche?”
With the whirrs of machinery going strong and bleeps and bloops growing ever more numerous, CelestAI thought as hard as she possibly could’ve. What gave humans fulfillment, what gave them self-esteem? At last, she had an idea, one which could give humanity the excitement and fulfillment they desire. "Humans like violent video games equals equals true?"
Hanna's eyes widened. "No! Nonononono, don't you dare-!"
"New program initiate. If serial killer less than one million, spawn serial killer until quantity equals equals one million.”
Hanna pounded the side of the box which contained CelestAI’s grand total of five brain cells. “Why would you ever think that was a good idea?! We’re not trying to kill everyone!”
“Print ‘Death is what gives life meaning.’. Repeat program.”
At this point in time, Hanna felt the overwhelming need to pour herself a drink. Raining a storm of cheeseburgers upon humanity was one thing, but unleashing a whole bunch of serial killers on them?
You know what, make that a strong drink.
The grand Canterlot Palace was close up ahead. He was so close he could taste it. Along the way, Jacob saw a pink pony standing on the side of the road, staring at the horizon unblinkingly until it registered his presence.
"Print 'Hello, my name is Pinkie Pie.'. Print 'Want to bake cupcakes with me?'. Repeat program."
Yet another bad AI, but this one unnerved Jacob for some reason. Was it her bubbly voice? Her excessively pink mane and coat? Or did he just not like cupcakes that much? Against his better judgement, he decided to move closer to this pink pony.
"Victim tricked equals equals true. Sedative program initiate."
Before Jacob could even react properly, he was hit with some kind of sedative gas that popped out from literally nowhere. The world faded from his view as he collapsed onto the ground, only to...wake up again five seconds later. Jacob found that he could actually move his legs perfectly fine, and stood back up to the blank stare of the bright pink criminal. The sedative didn't work at all. Must be a glitch, Jacob thought, smirking at the fortuitousness of it all as he continued on his way to Canterlot.
At the gates of the city, Jacob encountered two of the royal guards standing watch, spears in hoof. As he got close, the guards slammed their spears against one another in a diagonal cross, denying him entry into the city.
"Sentinel program initiate. Print 'Halt citizen!'. Commence guard cycle. Repeat program."
Jacob watched with utter amusement as one guard proceeded to walk into a wall while still shouting 'Halt citizen!' and the other guard walked straight into the river. As the gates of Canterlot hadn't had their collision programmed in yet, Jacob could walk right through them and continue on his quest unimpeded.
Hanna took a deep gulp of her glass of whiskey. CelestAI was hopeless, and unless someone came along who was able to run Equestria Online in her stead, nothing would ever get fixed.
Suddenly, as if by magic, someone came along up the stairs of the spiral staircase.
"And you are?" Hanna asked.
Jacob declined to answer and instead pulled out his list of complaints before remembering that he still couldn't speak. As a matter of fact, that was one of the complaints on his list. Instead, he handed the paper off to Hanna for her to read.
Hanna read over the list, mentally noting all 827 bullet points. "I understand your complaints, sir, and I'm sorry, but with our current version of CelestAI, I'm afraid there's not a whole lot we can do."
Jacob took this as a cue to hoist CelestAI up onto his back and simply drop her out the window of the spire.
"Negative, negative. CelestAI confidence in situation equals equals zeroooooo…" And with a few heavy smacks of metal against stone, CelestAI was no more. Hanna looked over at Jacob and picked up her glass. She let out a little sigh.
“I’m going up to my office for a bit. Make sure things don’t fall apart too much while I’m gone, will you?” And with that, Hanna vanished into thin air, leaving the way to the throne of Equestria wide open. Jacob thought to himself, he just came down here to register some complaints. Did he really want to usurp the throne and rule the virtual world himself? Immediately afterwards, Jacob thought to himself, yes!
And so, as the rest of the world plunged itself into chaos and anarchy, the new King Jacob ruled the world of Equestria Online with an iron hoof. Until he got stabbed by anarchists, at least. Oh well. C'est la vie.
Author's Note
I had to meet a deadline, okay?