Author's Note
A slight warning before we go in:
No events in this story are meant to mimic anything exactly in real life, it's just supposed to be a funny little story with some meme references and internet jokes!
Welcome Back to Hoofder
Friendship used to be magic in the wonderful land of Equestria, filled with cute and colorful ponies. That all changed when the technology of the internet and smart phones was introduced to Equestria. Ponies no longer had to go outside to socialize, fillies began to skip school to use their new smart phones, trolls began to lurk the internet, and many more awful things.
Riots and protests began to erupt across all of Equestria, calling to ban the internet and smart phones and return to the older and simpler ways of life. Those against the new technology were called "Trotters" and those with the new technology were called "Gallopers".
Starlight Glimmer sighed in bed, hearing the violent noises of rioting and screaming outside of the Castle of Friendship. Starlight Glimmer, our protagonist, is a "Galloper"; and so are Twilight Sparkle and Spike, the two she lives with.
Starlight levitated her phone, and opened the "Messages" app. She had one new text from her friend: Trixie Lulamoon.
Are the protests and riots getting any better over in Ponyville?
Starlight began to use her magic to type out a response.
No, things are getting worse actually. One mare, I think her name was Karen, was screaming like a lunatic because her son saw a picture of two unmarried ponies holding hands on the internet.
Starlight patiently waited for another response.
Oh yeah, her. The great and powerful Trixie saw her on the news way over here! I sure hope these "Trotters" give up soon, they're really starting to get on Trixie's nerves!
Starlight wrote one last response to Trixie before closing out the Messages app.
I sure hope so too, I'm getting tired of hearing about how the internet is full of explicit imagery and filly predators.
Starlight let out a sigh before more shouting erupted across the beautiful sunny evening.
A knock at her bedroom door distracted her from all the noise, however.
"Come in!" Starlight called out.
"Hey, Starlight, you doing alright? You haven't come out of your room all day," Twilight asked as she entered the bedroom.
"There's nothing to see, Twilight. Protests on the street all over just smart phones, I just want this nightmare to end," Starlight grumbled back.
"Well, I just got off the phone with Celestia, she's trying to get a law passed by tomorrow to stop all the protests. They'll peacefully meet up in Canterlot and finally decide on a final vote," Twilight stated.
"Who you think is gonna win this, the Trotters or the Gallopers?" Starlight questioned.
"The Gallopers, easily. I think once ponies realize the uses of the internet, they'll realize the good outweighs the bad. Or here's hoping at least," Twilight responded, having confidence in her stature and voice.
Just then the two ponies heard more screaming from outside.
"I just got trolled and linked to a dumb music video!" an unnamed stallion screamed from outside.
Twilight's confidence seemed to drop a little, before Starlight gave her an unamused glance.
"I just want something to do, Twilight, and there's only so many cute kitten videos on the internet to keep me entertained. There's also only so many memes you can view until you get tired of green ogres and shiba inus that speak in broken Ponish," Starlight frustratingly grumbled out.
"Well, why don't you try that dating app again? With all the Trotters stuck inside, I bet Hoofder is more active than ever!" Twilight exclaimed.
"Well, I guess I could. Sounds fun, heh. Thanks Twilight, you're the best!" Starlight responded cheerfully.
"Anytime, Starlight, anytime," Twilight responded as she left Starlight's bedroom and closed the door behind her.
Starlight laid on her back on her bed and levitated her phone and began to open Hoofder.
Welcome back to Hoofder, Starlight Glimmer!
Would you like to update your information?
Yes No
Starlight selected the 'Yes' prompt before noticing that Hoofder had added several new criteria to fill out, which she promptly did.
NAME: Starlight Glimmer
GENDER: Female
RACE: Unicorn
AGE: 21
SEXUALITY: Bisexual
TALENTS: Magic, Time-travelling, Leading cults
DESCRIPTION: A smart and funny unicorn looking for a romantic interest yet again! I totally don't have a backstory of leading a brainwashed cult!
As Starlight hit the 'Submit' button at the bottom, the first potential candidate promptly appeared.
NAME: Rainbow Dash
GENDER: Female
RACE: Pegasus
AGE: 22
SEXUALITY: Homosexual
TALENTS: Being awesome, Being awesome, Being awesome
DESCRIPTION: Looking for a good mare who wants to be with somepony as awesome as me! Though no matter what, remember I will always be 20% coolor than you. Sorry, but that's just how it is.
Starlight immediately swiped down, with a sigh.
"Rainbow Dash...same as always, I see, heh," she chuckled as the next result began to appear on her screen.
NAME: Lightning Dust
GENDER: Female
RACE: PEGASUS
AGE: 22
SEXUALITY: Heterosexual
TALENTS: Risky tricks, Being a daredevil, Being cool
DESCRIPTION: The name's Lightning Dust, and I can guarantee I am 100% cooler than Rainbow Crash. Also: Rainbow Dash, if you try to catfish me posing as a stallion one more time just see what I'll do to you!
Starlight once again immediately swiped down, sighing yet again.
"Seriously, Lightning Dust of all ponies? Can I at least get an interesting recommendation?" Starlight grumbled.
The next result was indeed interesting.
NAME: Gummy
GENDER: Male
RACE: Alligator
AGE: ???
SEXUALITY: Alligatorsexual
TALENTS: Fun at parties, Good at pranks, Good at jokes
DESCRIPTION: This is Gummy, my pet alligator! Poor Gummy is lonely and just wants to be with some other alligator, but he couldn't event write this on his own...could any other alligators on here please go on a date with Gummy?
Starlight blinked a few times, uncertain what she was seeing was correct.
And it was indeed correct, Pinkie Pie had put a listing for her pet alligator.
Starlight swiped down, shaking her head yet smiling.
"Oh, Pinkie Pie. That's not quite how this app works, but I guess it's kinda sweet," Starlight spoke aloud with a chuckle.
Just then, her browsing was interrupted by an intrusive alert.
WARNING: Mobile phone infect by virus
Install PonyCleanPro to clean phone by removal of unclean
Not scam
CLEAN
Starlight began to panic, not realizing the broken Ponish and absurdity of it all as she hit the 'CLEAN' button.
She was suddenly taken to her web browser, which opened a new window with text; the text was also read aloud by a female voice booming out of her smartphone's speaker.
CONGRATULATIONS! VIRUS REMOVED!
YOU HAVE WON THE NEWEST SMART DEVICE ON THE MARKET!
PLEASE ENTER YOUR CREDIT CARD DETAILS TO PROCEED!
At this point, Starlight began to suspect something fishy was going on; so she closed out her web browser and reopened Hoofder. She noticed her smartphone was now running a lot slower, but decided to brush it off as the next result showed off on the screen.
NAME: Tirek
GENDER: Male
RACE: Centaur
AGE: I forgot hundreds of years ago
SEXUALITY: Anything goes I just need your magic anyways
TALENTS: Stealing Magic, Stealing Magic, Stealing Magic
DESCRIPTION: My name is Tirek. I am looking for somebody who is willing to give me their magic. You won't get anything out of it besides being drained of yourself, but who really cares?
Starlight immediately swiped down, completely speechless on that one.[/i
NAME: Fluttershy
GENDER: Female
RACE: Pegasus
AGE: 25
SEXUALITY: Pansexual
TALENTS: Good with animals, Being shy, Being shy
DESCRIPTION: M-my name is Fluttershy and I'm looking for any romantic partner who might accept me andi'mveryshyandnervous why am i typing this justswipedownplease.
Starlight obliged, feeling quite a bit of pity for the shy pegasus, and then her phone screen locked up.
"What is up with this phone now? Ever since that 'CONGRATULATIONS' site popped up...it's been acting all funny," Starlight sighed, starting to realize her phone might have been infected with a virus.
She used her magic and rebooted the phone, before being greeted with a black screen with white text on it.
Hello, Starlight Glimmer.
Your phone has been infected with the FunnyPony Virus.
Why is it funny? Because you fell for the fake 'YOUR DEVICE IS INFECTED' screen.
You know what else is funny?
All your data has been encrypted and will be deleted in 24 hours.
Yet, there is still more that is funny!
We have all those embarrassing photos of you, as well as some information about your past.
Those will also be released in just 24 hours.
However, there is one alternative!
If you pay us 25,000 in PonyCoin, a popular cryptocurrency, nothing bad will happen!
Get to it ;)
"Twilight! You there? I need you!" Starlight called out.
Some hours later
"Alright, Starlight, I think we've fixed your device all up!" Twilight exclaimed as Starlight grabbed it back with her magic.
"Thank you so much, Twilight! I never knew you invested in cryptocurrency!" Starlight responded cheerfully.
"It's no problem, well I mean, it kinda is...but still; anyways, what have you learned today?" Twilight asked.
"Never to trust strange ads or things that seem too good to be true on the internet," Starlight repeated back, already engrossed on her smartphone again.
"Well, that's good!" Twilight exclaimed as she began to exit Starlight's bedroom.
"Twilight, oh Celestia, it's amazing! Handsome stallions in my area!" Starlight practically screamed.
Twilight facehoofed and sighed.
