Let's pretend

by Cackling Moron

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human
Length: 2651

Local human uses the power of his imagination. Questionably.

Keith, local human, happily wiles away some time by painting himself a picture with his imagination brush and the aid of some figurines, thinking that he is doing so in private.

He is not.

Published 2021-05-08 22:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2021-05-08 22:00:02 UTC

Shameless indulgence

Author's Note

This was a very silly idea when I first jotted down the initial germ of it however many months ago and I've - for some reason - chosen to finish it when I am very, very tired and have had the ability to word good slip out of my hands like a bar of soap.

So it's probably a bit incoherent, too. But that's life, really.

Shameless indulgence

The grim, icy shadow of tyranny had fallen across Equestria and all shivered in its grim, shadowy iciness. Brr.

Who was the source of this sudden shift from the sunny and pleasant to the gloomy and dour? Why, in a potent twist of irony it was Princess Celestia, now styled as Empress Supreme Celestia and always to be addressed as such, thank you very much if you know what’s good for you.

And what was the cause of this shift in attitude? What might have pushed such a previously benevolent and gentle ruler to such horrendous extremes? Ah, that was more difficult to discern, for who could fathom the motivations of the Empress? Who knew what thoughts dwelt behind that sultry, regal countenance? That calculating and gorgeous face? Those beautiful, deeply intelligent eyes it would be so easy to get lost in?

Who indeed.

Not that the poor, downtrodden citizens of Equestria were in much of a position to ponder this, of course. They were all far too busy being poor and downtrodden, squirming beneath the iron hoof of brutal, imperial oppression, something which took up most of their time these days, the rest of their time being taken up with toiling, bowing and sometimes also scraping.

Normally, such dire circumstances might have been offset - even just a little bit! - by a nice cuddle every now and then, or even just a brief hug, just some tiny little moment of physical affection, something! Something to take the edge off! Anything!

But, sadly, it was not to be so, for the Empress, for her own inscrutable reasons, had banned all such things. No hugs, no cuddles, no snuggles, no cosying up, no canoodling, no nothing. A hoofshake was a good as a hug was the official line, and woe betide anyone who thought differently - the Affection Inquisitors were ever on the prowl for dissenters!

And so it was that in these dark, dreary times that there came Keith, a stranger to these lands, an alien! His origins shrouded in mystery he saw the suffering and the misery and he, bravely and handsomely, knew in his bones that it could not stand. Something had to be done about it and, by gum, he was going to be the one to do it.

But what difference can a single man make? Surely his efforts would come to naught in the face of such crushing might? After all, not only was Empress Celestia tyrannical and cunning she was also graceful, wise, intelligent, attractive and generally pretty great. As brave and handsome as Keith was, what could be hope to achieve?

A valid question, and a question that quickly became very relevant on account of Keith getting arrested in short order - his efforts at rousing the masses cut short by an appearance of half a dozen platoons of imperial guard. This seemed like overkill to Keith, and far too many troops for a single man, but then he had always been as modest as he was handsome (and brave).

The sight of him being apprehended quickly roused his audience to anger, of course, as his simple yet elegant speech had - even with being interrupted - instilled in all who’d listened a fierce passion for freedom. But he knew that now was not the time for his loyal followers to rise up and overthrow their oppressors. That would come later, if necessary.

“Friends!” He called out, his voice loud and clear above the rising hubbub. “Be not afraid! I will be amongst you again soon!”

And his words soothed them and they did not surge forward and free him, though they clearly could and would have had he wanted them to. He just didn’t this time, because this time Keith had a plan, and this was all part of it.

Handsomely and bravely (and handsomely) he was led in chains to the Imperial Palace, which was a lot like the old palace because it was the old palace but with extra spikes added, thus making it more imperial. The imperial throne room that Keith was dragged to was at least seventy percent spikes for this exact reason.

The throne itself - in which was sat the Empress herself, resplendent and radiant while also being imposing - was especially spiky, which might have gone partway to explaining why she looked so unhappy. Only partway though. The rest of it was plainly because Keith, the bold alien and thorn in her (very nice) side had just been brought before her.

Rebel scum appearing was enough to make anyone cross.

Still wrapped in chains - in fact, wrapped in even more chains than he’d been in at the start, the guards feeling safer this way - Keith was thrown to his knees at the foot of the throne and Celestia gratefully took this excuse to stand up.

“The alien known as ‘Keith’! I should have known it was you rousing rabble,” she said, mane flapping imperiously.

Many would have been cowed by such impressively imperious flapping, but not so Keith. He was simply appreciative of its great and effortless beauty, but knew better than to let that distract him. Staying on his knees (for now) he jutted forth his chin, to let the Empress know he meant business.

This jutting she saw, and she huffed.

“You stand accused of treasonous rebellion! Of spreading seditious rhetoric! Of disrupting and recklessly emboldening the downtrodden citizenry! And, perhaps worst of all, you stand accused of cuddling,” she boomed, spitting out the last word as though the very taste of it displeased her.

Now it was Keith’s turn to boom and he straightened up to improve his delivery:

“And what of it? What is so wrong with cuddling, you cruel yet very striking despot? What is wrong with a simple, harmless hug?”

Celestia looked appalled.

“It - it weakens character! It is perverse and unnecessary! It is a petty trifle!” She said, but something in the way she’d said it caught Keith’s attention and nagged at his brain, and all at once everything was clear - all at once he understood why all that had happened had happened.

“You’ve never had a hug, have you your majesty?” He asked, his voice low.

His words had struck true, and while Celestia quickly regained her composure the split-second in which she had been caught off-guard had been obvious, its meaning clear - she had banned hugs despite never having had one herself. Perhaps because she’d never had one herself.

Somehow. Despite having been raised in what was by all accounts a loving and caring family environment. Best not to dwell on the details. Just accept it or else the whole thing falls apart. No hugs.

“I - I - that is no concern of yours!” She said, nose raised. But a weakness had been exposed, and there was no going back now. Now was the moment, now was the time.

Now Keith had to strike!

Easily snapping the chains binding him he leapt to his feet, lunging for Celestia. The guards were quick to react, to their credit, lunging for him in turn. None could doubt their spirit. Only their results.

Booping snoots with precision and fierceness Keith cut a swathe through them without breaking stride, reaching Celestia in but nine steps and - before she could even wrap her mind around what was going on - he had hugged her.

The world stood still.

The scales fell from her lovely, lovely eyes

“I was a fool!” She cried, weeping tears of searing hot regret, melting into the hug, taking to it naturally like a duck to water. It just felt so right, like everything in the world made sense now!

Those guards who had been only lightly booped on the snoot stirred and moved to re-apprehend Keith, but Celestia broke the hug and held them firm with a raised hoof.

“No,” she said in a firm, clear voice. “No, I have erred and ruled unjustly and now must make amends. Let it be known that from this moment forwards hugs are no longer outlawed! And everypony across the land is no longer to be downtrodden!”

There was cheering from outside at this, but since it was coming from outside it was a bit muffled.

“Go! Go and spread word of this drastic policy change! Go and rename the Affection Inquisitors the Affection Enforcers, have them spread throughout the land to enforce affection! Affection is now mandatory within these borders!”

Not perhaps the best idea, but certainly a step in the right direction. The guards departed at speed to carry out their orders. This left human and alicorn alone.

At last.

“Now,” the freshly de-tyranted but still excitingly assertive and confident Celestia said, pointing at Keith with a commanding hoof. “Teach me more of this ‘hugging’, alien.”

Setting his jaw and putting his fist to his chest he took a bold step forward.

“I’ll teach you hugging. I might even graduate up to snuggling and then, well, who knows?” He declared. Celestia asked, hooves to her face.

“There’s more?” She asked, her eyes wide and shining with wonder, gasping a moment later as Keith took her once again into his arms, leaning in close - so very close!

“Oh, there’s more, princess. Much more...”

And in his guest room at the palace, Keith was having a whale of a time using just the power of his imagination. And some figurines.

“...and then the kissing started,” he said, mashing the figures together with a quiet enthusiasm that was a little disturbing to watch.

And who was watching? Who indeed.

Utterly absorbed as he’d been playing with himself, Keith had entirely failed to notice that a gaggle of princesses had gathered.

First to poke her head through the door - foolishly and carelessly left ajar - and see what all the strange noises were about had been Celestia who, seeing what the strange noises had been about, had found herself utterly unable to keep from watching.

Following this Luna had happened by and, seeing her sister with her head apparently stuck in a door, had investigated, to see whether there was an opportunity for taunting or possibly gloating. There was not, but in this way she too had become enthralled by the frankly unexpected sight of a grown man telling himself a story in the medium of tiny little figures - tiny little figures of Celestia and himself, no less.

(Or a proxy of himself, at least. There weren’t any official releases for him yet, just a generic human made available for those who felt the need for one.)

Cadence and Twilight finished up the gaggle and they had both arrived together, having been walking together, both just-so happening to have been visiting that day. They too had been overcome with curiosity and they too had joined in the silent observation.

All of them were somehow stacked atop one another in the doorway, just their heads poking through as they watched Keith vigorously imagine things, Celestia at the bottom, Twilight at the top.

How this arrangement held up was unclear, but they got it working somehow. Princesses are truly magical creatures, it must be said.

“I feel deeply uncomfortable,” said Luna, quietly. Not that she really needed to bother, Keith seemed to be entirely lost in his own little world. The sound effects he was producing were certainly like nothing in the actual world.

“This stack is a bit awkward,” Cadence said, shifting.

“I meant more in the sense of being discomforted by what it is we are witnessing,” Luna said. Cadence went ‘oh’ and stopped shifting.

“Should we say something?” Twilight asked.

“Better to slink away and pretend this never happened,” Luna said. She sounded pretty adamant about this.

Slinking wasn’t exactly royal behaviour but there was a time and a place for discretion and glossing over things and one of those times was right then and there. Let sleeping dogs - or whatever this was - lie and all that.

That, and anything other than slinking away would either involve pretending that they hadn’t all been stacked there watching him for however long or else admitting that they’d been stacked there watching for however long. Neither prospect appealed. One was dishonest, the other just plain unpleasant to imagine going through.

No sense in rushing into an awkward conversation you could just as easily avoid.

“I rather liked it,” Celestia said, cheerfully.

That brought things to something of a halt. Everyone did their best to look down at her, she forming the base of the stack of princesses and all.

“What?” Luna asked, staggered. Celestia gave a tiny shrug, the only shrug she could manage in her position.

“It was a compelling narrative,” she said.

“You were an evil tyrant,” Luna pointed out.

“I had style!” Celestia said by way of blistering riposte. It did not land effectively.

“I was excised completely!” Luna said, simultaneously annoyed she’d been cut out while also relieved she’d been cut out, given what she’d been cut out of. Celestia couldn’t really see what the fuss was about with that one.

“That was just to keep the narrative streamlined, I’m sure,” she said. She thought that had been obvious. Certainly it had been obvious to her. She was loathe to think of her sister as ‘dead weight’ but, in the context of the story that Keith had been telling, she just wouldn’t have had anything to do. That was just how these things worked.

“What happens next?” Cadence asked, bringing them back to the actual thing they were actually still halfway watching.

“We can see what happens next! It’s happening now!” Luna hissed to the background sound of figurines clacking against one another.

“No, after that…” Cadence said, wonderingly. This took Luna a second, and it wasn’t until Keith stopped making the figures kiss and instead started having them do what he apparently felt would follow on from kissing that she got what Cadence had been driving at.

The figures clicked and clacked louder, more lasciviously.

“Eurgh!” went Luna, tongue sticking out. Twilight had her eyes covered so couldn’t see the details but felt she didn’t want to know them anyway - her peeking around one hoof was just in case anything new or unexpected happened. Cadence and Celestia had no reservations about keeping watching and their heads tilted, albeit in opposite directions to one another.

“I never knew he was so imaginative…” Celestia said, her attention rapt, her mind making notes.

“Would that even work…” Cadence said, squinting.

“He is your guest! This is highly inappropriate!” Luna said, glaring down at her sister.

“He’s our guest, a guest of the crown, and, well, yes, I suppose…” Celestia said, trailing off. Luna waited for the rest of the sentence and anything like a proper response, but none appeared.

“That is not an answer!” Luna snapped.

“I suppose...” Celestia repeated, plainly not paying attention at this point, far too busy staring at what it was Keith was doing, perhaps also letting her own imagination off the leash if the rather faraway look in her eye was anything to go by.

Luna started desperately attempting to extricate herself.

“I am leaving this stack,” she said. “And going to go and have a bath. I may never leave the bath, I may stay in it until I dissolve. Even then I doubt I’ll ever feel clean again.”