The Human Incident

Chapters

A Growling Stomach
Fashion Crisis
And Away We Go
Mayonnaise
Jokes On You
Strange Times
Be Careful What You Wish For
Ice Cream And Cakey Cake
The Secret To Happiness
Appletastic Belly Rubs
Peanut Butter and Hot Sauce
I Cannot Tell A Lie
Night Time Matters
At Home With Fluttershy
Personality Flip
You Can't Always Get What You Want
The Chase
Plans
Petting And Scritching
Raining Up A Storm
Party Hardy
Friendly Shenanigans
Capital Punishment
The Fearsome Beast
A Brief Trip To Chaosville
The Staring Contest

A Growling Stomach

Twilight stood wide-eyed staring at the creature, the human, sprawled on her floor, waving wildly to get the chicken pecking him to go away. Her brain couldn’t process what she was seeing. She had a million questions running through her head and didn’t know what to ask first. There were so many things to comment on, from how incredibly long and lanky the thing was to just why it seemed to be dressed up in a Star Swirl the Beared outfit. But one question stood out above the rest.

“Wha- I- humans are afraid of chickens?” she got out with a stutter, her jaw practically hitting the floor as she stared at him.

“See, Twilight?” Lyra cried, pointing a hoof at Archard. “I told you humans are real!”

“But- but- but… how?” she asked, practically yelling. “That wasn’t supposed to work! That whole setup had no basis in science at all! How could it have possibly done anything? It doesn’t make sense!”

“Because I’m an expert on humans, Twilight,” Lyra spoke with authority, and a little bit of annoyance at the mare who doubted her knowledge. Although she had to admit, she herself wasn’t even sure it would work. But that didn’t matter now because there was a human, a real live human, right in front of her! She’s always hoped that she’d see one with her own eyes, and now, not only was she seeing one, she actually summoned one! It was more than she ever dreamed of doing!

“I told you everything in that book was real, but you didn’t believe me. But you have to believe this! It’s an actual human right in front of us! Although I have to admit, it’s a lot longer in length than I imagined, and kind of weak looking. They're supposed to be more muscular.” She had to crane her neck to see all of him. He would be almost twice the height of a pony if he stood up.

“I can’t believe there’s an actual human in front of me!” Lyra thought to herself. “A real, live human, one with hands and everything! I can’t believe this! Although it does look different than I imagined it, but still!”

Archard, for his part, was largely oblivious of the two ponies near him, still using a hand to rub his now aching nose. Why that blasted chicken saw fit to hurt him so, he didn’t know, but he was already determining a way to get his revenge as he sat up and rubbed his head.

“So I got struck by lightning and ended up in a library,” he thought as he turned to look around. “One that apparently has a chicken running around in it.” He noticed the many books on the shelves, as well as tables scattered about and other rooms, including a kitchen? That was weird. Most libraries didn't have those as far as he knew.

“Maybe it’s some new type of library, and the kitchen is so that chicken can be turned into a meal, which it deserves. I wonder where I-”

He stopped suddenly as he saw two horses, two ponies, staring back at him cautiously. It was something he’d never expected to see in real life, and he was stunned silent by the sight, frozen in place as he looked back and forth between the two of them.

There was a long moment of silence, one where even the feathered beast that attacked the human stood silently as the three of them stood waiting for some creature to make a move. Then finally, someone spoke.

“You’re Twilight Sparkle and Lyra Heartstrings!” Archard got out excitedly, putting on a wide, happy grin as he stood up to take a step forward.

“Sweet Celestia, that thing is tall…” Twilight thought fearfully as she took a step back. “The book said humans were big, but that thing is over six feet…”

“Quick, Twilight! The net!” Lyra called, spurring the mare into action. She used her magic to throw the net over him, but watched as he used his hands to catch it, long incredible fingers that weaved and twisted through the holes, keeping it from really trapping him.

“Why are you throwing a net over me?” he asked, casually pushing it over him off to the side. “Is it because I’m dressed like Star Swirl? I’m sorry, Twilight… oh! I should take a picture of this! Gonna wanna prove I’m not crazy later. Where is my phone…? I have my watch, but I can't take a picture with that...” He patted himself down for a moment before continuing, "I hope I didn't leave it with Troy. He's gonna drain the battery on that thing and not even charge it probably. Not to mention, there are some pretty embarrassing photos on there."

“Why did the net not work?” Lyra asked aloud. “It should have stopped him! Did we forget to rub garlic on it?”

He stopped where he was, leaving his hands in place on his body and only able to get another step in before he said, “Please tell me you didn’t put garlic on that. My skin is going to break out if you did…”

“How do you know who we are?” the alicorn asked, taking a fearful step towards Archard, her wings outstretched as if to protect Lyra from him. As she did so, she lit up her horn and pushed her magic up to him, watching as it resisted him. It was like there was a forcefield surrounding him, her purple aura not getting closer than a few inches to him. The human couldn’t help but reach his hand out to try and touch it, and watched as the aura pushed away from him, farther back, like his hand and her magic were two alike poles of magnets and repelling each other.

“Whoa, am I doing that? That’s cool! I didn’t know your magic couldn’t touch me, Twilight!”

“I told you humans were dangerous!” Lyra got out. “But noooooo! You didn’t believe me!”

“How do you know who I am?” Twilight asked again, more forcefully this time. “And how are you repelling my magic?”

“I don’t know,” he said, extending his hand farther and watching her magic push back farther as a result, “but it’s really cool! And I know who you are because you’re Twilight Sparkle! You’re the Princess of Friendship and ruler of Equestria!”

“What?” Twilight asked, confused for a moment, raising an eyebrow. “I’m not the ruler of Equestria.”

“Hmmm… Well, I guess you’re not the ruler yet, because you’re still at Golden Oaks Library. But you have alicorn wings, so that means this is after your ascension and before Tirek… wait, do you still have Owlowiscious? Cause after season three or four, he basically disappears. It’s really weird. Kind of jarring how we never see him again.”

“Wait, why would Owlowisious disappear? And what are you talking about, ‘seasons’?” she asked, sounding concerned now before turning to Lyra. “Humans aren’t psychic, are they? I don’t remember reading anything about that in the book.”

“Um, I’ll have to check my notes,” she replied, honestly not really remembering everything she wrote down. “It wouldn’t surprise me though if they were, considering they can read minds already.” As she spoke, she made sure to stay firmly behind the princess’s outstretched wings for safety, in case he were to attack them.

Not that he was thinking of doing such a thing. He was smiling widely at the realization of where he was, looking around the room in awe as though it was the first time he saw a library in his life. To be fair, it was the first time he saw this specific library in real life. He had to suppress the urge to do a skip and a hop in the air in excitement.

“This is amazing! I hope I can meet Starlight, too! She’s my favorite, but you probably don’t know who she is yet. I wonder where Spike is… Oh, there you are!” he said, turning to the dragon down, who had been standing silently watching the scene unfold with a mixture of fear and curiosity. “Wow! You’re a lot smaller in real life! It’s adorable.”

“Hey!” the dragon got out, breaking out of his surprise and frowning. “I’m not small, and I’m definitely not adorable!”

“You’re adorable as hell! Especially when you try to scowl at me like that, it only makes you cuter! All of you are, and it’s amazing.” He couldn’t help but laugh at the sight of them, flashing his teeth as he did.

“It’s a carnivore!” Twilight and Lyra called out at the same time, both of them taking a step back away from him, more nervous and a bit more afraid than they were before. “It has canines!” Twilight continued. What if he tried to eat them? What would they do to stop him, especially if Twilight’s magic didn’t work on him?

“I’m not a carnivore! I eat plants! Although, I definitely do eat meat, too, but still. It’s an inaccurate label.”

Twilight cringed at his confirmation and took another step back, keeping her eyes firmly fixed on him as she said, “Spike, go get my friends, please.”

“Already on it,” he confirmed to her before running out the door and down the street.

“Lyra,” Twilight started anxiously, “humans… they don’t eat ponies do they?”

“No, we don’t eat ponies,” Archard jumped in and explained for her. “I would never eat you, although some people do eat horses.” He said it nonchalantly, although once he saw the look on their faces, he realized his mistake and quickly tried to backtrack.

“Not that I would,” he continued, rubbing his forehead as he laughed nervously. “I wouldn’t, and haven’t. I mostly eat beef.” He turned his head to the terrible feathered beast, glaring at it and adding, “And chickens,” the bird bawking in response.

He stared down the creature as Lyra and Twilight took another fearful step back, cringing at the thought of it. What if the human ate one of Applejack’s cows, like Bessie or Daisy Jo? The mare couldn’t stand the thought of it, and shuddered to herself because of it.

“Lyra, this is all your fault,” the purple pony whispered as the two watched Archard carefully, who now had his hands on his hips as he entered into a staring contest with the bird. “Why’d you include instructions for how to summon a dangerous creature in the back of the book? That’s just horribly irresponsible.”

“I told you humans were really dangerous, Twilight,” Lyra whispered back, telling her off. “But nooooooo, you just didn’t want to believe they existed like I told you. So you’re the irresponsible one.”

“I just hope my friends get here soon. I can only imagine what it’s capable of.”

“Humph, you should be ashamed of yourself for attacking me like that,” the human scolded the chicken, using a hand to rub his nose again. "It was completely uncalled for."

Spike made his way through Ponyville as quickly as he could, excusing himself and apologizing as he bumped and ran into multiple ponies. He didn’t know who he should try and round up first, but somehow found himself at Rarity’s boutique after a few minutes of running.

“Should I really let some dangerous monster try to eat Rarity?” he thought to himself, contemplating for a moment before shaking the thought from his head. “Rarity is a strong mare. She can handle herself. Besides, she’s the Element of Generosity. Twilight will need her help.”

With that in mind, he ran through the door, immediately bumping into the flank of a fluffy white marshmallow as he entered.

“Oh, Spikey-Wikey!” she cheerfully said as she turned around. “I was hoping you’d come around today! I wanted to see if you could help me with some of my clothing designs! I need somepony to try them on for me, and Sweetie Belle is out playing with her two friends right now, trying to earn their cutie marks as always. Something about being lumberjacks, I believe. I just hope she doesn't come back covered in tree sap like she always seems to do.” She frowned at the thought before shaking her head and continuing, "Anyway, what do you say about helping me out today, hmm Spike?"

“Well, um, I would, but we can’t because-”

“Oh, please Spike? You’d be doing me a really big favor.” She fluttered her eyelashes at him in an attempt to woo him, continuing, “I might even let you have a few gems as a treat for helping me.”

“I can’t because-”

“Pleaaaassseee?” she begged, pursing her lips and giving him the best pouty face she could make. “You’d make me one very happy mare if you did. I really need your help. Please?”

“I’d really love to Rarity, but-”

“Perfect! Oh, thank you, Spikey!” she interrupted as she used her magic to lift him up, giving him a kiss on the cheek before carrying him off to her dressing room. It made him blush and caused hearts to form in his eyes, the dragon practically forgetting what he came to see Rarity for.

“Well, I guess Twilight can wait a little bit,” he thought to himself, smiling bashfully as he was carried off. "I'm sure it's not that dangerous."

Author's Note

Short chapter this week. A longer chapter is coming next week.

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Fashion Crisis

“Uh, why are you two still looking at me like that?” Archard asked as he tilted his head, noticing the nervous looks on Lyra and Twilight’s faces. “I don’t have something in my teeth, do I?” he asked, using a fingernail to scratch at a non-existent piece of spinach on his front tooth. As he did so, his stomach grumbled, getting the two ponies to take another step back.

“We were just, umm…” Twilight trailed off, trying to think of an excuse. She looked around the room nervously as she tried to come up with something.

“Think, Twilight. Magic doesn’t work on it, it’s a dangerous creature, and it’s hungry. What do we do….?”

“Man, I could really use something to eat right about now… I wonder what a hay burger tastes like… I know you just met me, but do you have anything to eat?”

She instinctively brought up a forcefield between the two of them and Archard at that, continuing, “Uh, no. But, um, we, uh… just wanted to show you something! It’s, um, it’s down in my lab. You should, uh… follow us! But not too closely, please. And please don’t touch anything.”

“God, even when you look nervous, you two are cute as hell. I just wanna pet you and snuggle you until I die. I bet your fur is really soft… Oh! You should let me pet you! All the fanfictions I read say ponies like to be petted, and I know that horses in real life like to get petted, too.”

“Please don’t touch us,” the purple mare responded quickly, before backtracking. “I mean, um, maybe… maybe you can pet us later! But first you have to come down to my lab. Don’t you wanna see what’s down there?”

“Hmmmm… I do… but it’d be cooler to see Ponyville! I wanna go out there and pet everypony until they die from my petting.”

“No!” Lyra and Twilight both shouted at the same time, suddenly enough to make him jump back in surprise. “I mean, uh… m-maybe you can see them later!” Twilight told him nervously, giving an anxious smile. “But let’s go to my lab first, please. I would really, really like it if you went down there with me.” She lit up her horn to try to grab at him again, straining as she tried to make her magic make contact with his skin and frowning as it refused to do so.

“Well, I guess seeing your lab would be fun. Oh! You should give me a tour of the library! After all, we don’t know how much longer it’ll be around, seeing as you got your wings and all.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Twilight asked, fearing the answer.

“Oh, I just mean that it won’t be here,” he explained. “At the end of season four, Tirek destroys it while you fight him, and then you go to live in a castle. Honestly, your fight with him was pretty badass, especially in the Them Bones pmv. It’s really cool. Where is my phone so I can show you…?”

“That’s not a good sign, Twilight,” Lyra explained. “It’s probably psychic, and that’s how it knows that your library is going to be destroyed.”

“It can’t know that! Nopony, nocreature, can predict the future with certainty!”

“Yeah, I’m not psychic!” Archard agreed. “Well, I mean, I guess I am from your perspective, but still. I only know because I saw it happen. I guess from your perspective I’m from the future. I think anyway. Maybe. Time is kind of weird.”

“When is that going to happen?” the mare asked, getting more worked up as something else was unloaded onto her. “Who is Tirek? What are they going to do? How are we going to stop him?”

“I don’t know cause I don’t know what episode it is right now, Tirek is a centaur, he’s going to try and steal everypony’s magic, and you’ll defeat him with the power of friendship, of course!” Archard answered happily. Then his stomach grumbled again, and he asked, “Really, do you have anything to eat? I’m kinda hungry, and haven’t had anything since… well, I don’t know how long I was in that void, but a few hours at least.”

“No,” the princess told him with authority. “You need to come with me to my lab so I can study you. Now let’s go.”

“Okay,” he shrugged nonchalantly, still smiling as he said, “Wow, this is amazing!”

“Oh, I hope my friends get here soon,” Twilight thought anxiously, making sure to keep her head slightly turned to keep an eye on him.

“Am I doing it right?” Spike asked as he put a hand on his hip while he tried on a suit and bowtie, complete with a little tophat. “This feels kind of silly.”

“Oh, you look absolutely fabulous, darling,” Rarity giggled as she inspected him. “Now be sure to hold that pose for me.”

“Sure thing, Rarity,” Spike answered obediently, staying motionless as Rarity used her magic to draw in a sketchbook. “What are you drawing?”

“Oh, I’m just touching up on a few designs I’ve been working on, dear,” Rarity explained. “Seeing an outfit on somepony helps me find what can be improved. Speaking of which, I do think it’s about time to touch up on our Gala dresses. I’m sure Twilight’s dress especially could use some improvements. You’ll be able to help me with that, too, right Spike?”

The dragon blushed and opened his mouth to speak before a moment of realization came to him. The mention of Twilight brought Spike back to Equestria, and he broke his pose as he remembered what he was supposed to be doing.

“Rarity! Twilight needs your help!”

“Of course she does, darling,” the unicorn responded without looking up. “I hardly think she’d be able to design a dress without my help. It would be quite… functional would be the polite word.”

“No, Twilight actually needs your help!” he explained. “There’s this thing she and Lyra Heartstrings saw, a hoo-man. Twilight was reading a book about it, and I think those two used a spell or something to bring one into the library! And it had sharp teeth and was really tall and wore weird clothes and knew who we were and- and- and they said they need your help!”

“Well, why didn’t you say so sooner, Spike?” Rarity asked. “If my friends need me, I’ll be there in a- wait, did you say weird clothes?”

“Yeah, it looked really weird and had weird clothes… it was wearing a pointy hat on its head, and a robe too, like Twilight’s Star Swirl costume, I think. I thought it looked kind of wet, too, and a little bit dirty.”

“Well, if it looks anything like Twilight’s Nightmare Night costume, then we simply must rush over there this instant! We have to stop a fashion crime from taking place!”

“But remember also that Twilight said it was really dang-”

“No time, Spike!” she replied as she quickly gathered some fabric with her magic. “You gather the others while I head down to Twilight’s library so I can face that creature head on! I can’t in good faith leave anypony to suffer wearing such a tacky costume!" With that, she ran off, out of the boutique, before quickly trotting back and flipping her sign to CLOSED, heading back off after that.

“She’s such a brave mare,” Spike thought, lovestruck before shaking his head clear. “Need to get the others. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie should be helping Applejack on the farm, and Fluttershy will be in her cottage…”

He knew the way to both those places, and knew that both those places were past the opposite ends of the town. He grumbled to himself because of it. Why couldn’t ponies just live closer together? He didn’t even have magic or wings or anything, only his legs to carry him where he needed to go. It annoyed him that he would have to travel so far because Twilight and Lyra decided to summon some creature.

“She’s lucky I care about her,” Spike thought to himself as he took off running again, bumping into more ponies, a few of the same ones he already ran into.

“I’m sorry!” he apologized as he ran, changing from a sprint to a jog the farther he went, quickly running out of breath as he moved along. He knew he wasn’t in the best shape as he ran, but he didn’t think he was this bad off.

He was inhaling quick, heavy breaths as he finally stopped running when he made it to the cottage a few minutes later, putting a hand on the walls of the home as he gasped for breath.

“Man, I really need to work out,” he thought to himself as he closed his eyes, almost wheezing. “Why does Twilight do this to me? She could have had me watch the hoo-man with Lyra… it didn’t seem that dangerous to me, and it looked scared of chickens. It wouldn’t be that bad.”

“Spike!” Fluttershy called out as the dragon made his way up to the door, stopping him before he could knock. “It’s so nice to see you again. It’s been a little while… are you okay? You don’t look well.”

“I… I… I’m fine… just… give me a minute…” he got out breathlessly, putting a hand on his knee. Fluttershy stepped back to give him room to breathe, Spike continuing after a minute, “I ran… I ran… all the way here… to tell you…”

“Oh, you look completely worn out,” Fluttershy said sympathetically as she lifted him into her hooves. “Why don’t you let me make you some tea?”

“Tea would… be great… but I need…”

“Oh, hush now, Spike, you don’t say another word,” the pegasus interrupted. “I know you need time to rest and catch your breath. Come here.” With that, she lifted him into her wings and brought him into the cottage, laying him down on his back on a sofa.

“You just get some rest now, Spike. I’ll go make some tea and be back when it’s ready, okay?” The yellow pegasus didn’t wait for an answer as she went into her kitchen to make the drink.

“A minute to rest won’t be too bad,” he thought as he closed his eyes, planning to open them again in a little while.

“Wow, your library is much smaller than I thought it was,” Archard commented as he was led through it. “It’s, like, smaller than my apartment. It’s tiny! Or maybe I’m just big and… no, it’s small.”

“Well, um, technically, it’s not my library,” Twilight explained, unable to resist the urge to educate him despite her fear. “It belongs to the town of Ponyville. I’m just being lent it. My home is in Canterlot.”

“Hmmmm, that’s interesting,” he commented. “Well, it’s still tiny. I wish I could take a picture, but I’m almost certain Troy and Mike have my phone… I wonder what they’re thinking. I bet they wish they could be here. I am so gonna brag about this to them. Like, all the time, every chance I get.”

“Can humans really destroy entire forests in the blink of an eye?” Lyra piped up, still a bit nervous, but more curious and less scared because of Archard’s happy demeanor.

“Yup,” he responded. “Well, maybe not in the blink of an eye, but a few days, I think. Well, not me personally. It would take me alone forever to do. But if you got a bunch of us and a few machines it could be done. Unless you had a nuke...”

“That’s really interesting…” Lyra said as she kept mental notes, walking backwards and hitting her flank into a wall. “Ow! Uhh… what is a nuke?”

“It’s a big bomb filled with radiation that can basically destroy a whole city,” he explained, causing Twilight's eye to twitch as she stopped her walk. “Don’t worry,” he told her casually, waving his hand to indicate his lack of concern. “Equestria has nothing like that as far as I know, and I certainly don’t know how to make a nuclear bomb. If I did, my life would be very different right about now. I’d be very rich for one thing.”

“Oh, this is bad, this is bad, this is bad,” Twilight thought frantically as she forced herself to lead him down the steps and into the basement of the library. “Why did we have to bring him here? This was a horrible, horrible idea.” She looked over to Lyra briefly, and noticed that she seemed to believe what it said, smiling as she walked backwards and asked more questions. “Well, I guess she seems to think it’s safe enough, or at least she trusts what it’s saying… hopefully that’s a good thing. Although it could be lying… oh, this was a terrible idea…”

She did think it was weird that it spoke Ponish, but there were a whole lot of weird things about it so far, like how incredibly, incredibly tall it was and how it knew who they were and why it was afraid of chickens… well, maybe not afraid, but it clearly didn't like them. Speaking of which…

“Lyra, can you go back and get the chicken?” Twilight asked. “I’ll lead him down while you bring it with us.”

“Awww, I don’t see why that thing has to come with us,” Archard complained, crossing his arms. “It was mean to me…”

“You wouldn’t do anything to hurt us, would you… what’s your name?” Lyra asked as she used her magic to levitate the chicken over to them.

“Archard. Archard Otieno, from a great line of Otienos, let me tell you. And nope, I would never do anything to hurt you. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my ey- ow! That hurts…”

“Well, at least it Pinkie promised, although I’m not sure how it knows that that’s… do Pinkie promises even apply to other creatures? I hope they do…”

“Has the thing with the Everfree forest happened yet? With the black plants and stuff and the seeds?”

“Uh, what?”

“Okay, so that’s a no,” Archard continued. “So then this is definitely just after the season three finale and before the season four premiere, which is helpful. Also, you probably still don’t know how to use your wings correctly.”

“I know how to use my wings!” the mare said defensively, flapping them a bit embarrassedly. “Let’s just… let’s just keep going, please. And don’t touch anything.”

“You already said that,” the human replied as they continued, waiting a moment before continuing, “You know, from your expressions, I would almost say you’re afraid of me. But that doesn’t make sense, because why would you be afraid of me? I’m not a scary person. My mom thinks I’m awesome!”

“I’m sure she does,” Twilight thought sarcastically to herself, rolling her eyes as they started to descend down the steps into the basement of the library, where her lab was set up.

It looked like a stereotypical laboratory setup, like something out of a TV show in his opinion. There were different colored liquids filled into beakers and test tubes set up for what the human could only assume to be different experiments, as well as microscopes sitting on a desk and many more books, almost as many as were in the main part of the library itself. There was an eyewash station and a few sinks and, most notably, a large table set up with many interesting sharp tools next to it that looked to be for experimenting on ponies. Or people he guessed, seeing as it was definitely big enough for him to lay down on.

“Okay, uh, Arching, get on,” Twilight said, trying once again to grab him with his magic and failing.

“It’s Archard, and I have to admit, this looks… a bit extreme, I have to say. You’re not Orochimaru, are you? Experimenting on ponies to try and learn every magic spell possible? Cause honestly, I don’t think I’d put it past you, especially since it’s still early in the series at this point.”

“What? No! These tools are for dissecting wild plants and cutting open packages that I get. Why would you think I would do something like that?”

“I don’t know. You’re kind of crazy sometimes. I mean, there was that time you hypnotized the whole town into liking Smarty Pants because you thought Celestia would send you back to magic kindergarten if you didn’t turn in a friendship lesson, so…”

“That- that was d-different!” she stammered angrily, stomping a hoof as the fur near her cheeks started to turn bright red. “And no, I would never do anything like that! I wouldn’t ever hurt any creature, not even a fly!”

“I mean, I’m sure you’ve hurt a fly at some point in your life, and you did kill Sombra without a second thought, but…. I think I see what you’re saying. I’ll trust you. Where do I lay down at?”

“Hold it! Hold everything!” someone, Rarity, demanded, as she quickly descended the steps into the lab, ignoring Twilight, Lyra, and the chicken in Lyra’s magical grasp as she marched up to Archard and inspected him carefully.

“Oh, hi Rari-”

“Not now, dear,” she interrupted, shutting him down as she looked him over, walking around in a circle and inspecting every inch of him. Twilight and Lyra were both dead silent as she did so, not knowing what they should say about the situation. Archard himself stood happily as the mare circled, taking him in for a long minute before speaking again.

“Yup, just as I expected. This outfit is incredibly tacky, not even in season. The stitching is poor and the stars are misaligned, and I mean, who outside of Twilight would even consider wearing a Star Swirl the Bearded outfit? I must say, this costume is simply dreadful.”

“Hey! Star Swirl isn’t that bad!” the alicorn protested. “And get away from him! That’s a dangerous creature! It said it could destroy the whole town!”

“Well, it certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous creature that could destroy the town; it looks like a creature much in need of a fashionista to design an outfit change for it. I mean, whoever designed this thing did a horrendous job.”

“Hey!” It was now Archard’s turn to protest, looking down at the outfit he put together. He had to admit, it was a bit raggedy looking after so many outings he’d spent in it, but still. He spent weeks stitching it himself!

“I mean, it’s not that bad… I don’t think so anyway. Sure, it could be touched up here and there, but…”

“Darling, it’s positively awful. But not to worry! Rarity is here now to make it all better! We’ll get you into something stylish, something you can wear with pride!” She said it, then looked him up and down and continued, “Although it might take me a bit to figure out what it should be, given your… unique figure…”

“Shit! I don’t have any other clothes with me!” he suddenly realized. “Do you think you could design me a pair of pants? And underwear? Actually, a few pairs probably. It's gonna get pretty icky if I’m not able to change every day.”

“Pants… not something I’ve seen very many ponies wear, and with how you’re built… it would be a challenge, but a challenge I shall accept! We’ll just need to find a color that suits your coat color! Errr… uh, skin color. It’s quite unique, almost a sort of pinkish-beige color I would say. Not something I see very often, but never fear! Rarity is here!”

“We don’t have time for this, Rarity!” Twilight told her. “That thing is dangerous! We need to… where are the rest of our friends?”

“I believe they’re being summoned here by Spike. Quite sorry for the delay. I was having Spike try on a few outfits before he told me what was happening.”

“Delay? What delay?”

“Oh it was only a little while, maybe five minutes or so. Still, I’m sorry I didn’t rush here sooner, otherwise I might have been able to get that horrid thing off of him before you dragged him down here.”

“Never mind that! Help Lyra and I get him restrained!”

“Uhhh…” Archard trailed off as Twilight and Lyra approached slowly, Rarity using her magic to try and tug his cape and hat off.

“My magic doesn’t seem to be taking to him, Twilight.”

“I don’t know why, but mine isn’t doing anything either. It seems like it resists him. We were going to just use our hooves, but keep in mind that that thing is dangerous.”

“I’ll keep in mind that he’s dangerously unfashionable,” the white mare replied before she moved up to tug on his outfit, completely unconcerned. One hoof was working on his cape and cloak while the other had wormed its way to his hand, causing him to inhale in surprise.

“Whoa! You’re really soft!” he told her. “Like, really, really soft, like a marshmallow!”

She stopped moving as she felt his hands rubbing the fur on her leg, frowning as she told him, “Why I say! That’s an awfully rude thing to tell somepony who’s trying to help you. I should just, whoa! Oh my…”

“Rarity? What’s going on? What are you doing to her, Arching? What’s happening, Lyra?”

“Hmmm, I don’t know…” she trailed off, frowning a bit as she observed the scene. “I knew humans hands were powerful, but I’m not sure just how powerful they are. Maybe he’s trying to subdue her?”

“Get away from her, Arching!” Twilight demanded, stomping a hoof as she took a step in his direction.

“She’s so soft!” Archard smiled as his hands worked their way up to the mare’s neck and face, scratching her happily, her hind hoof thumping a bit in pleasure. “I have to scratch her! I can’t help it!”

‘Oh, those hands of yours feel divine, even better than Spikey’s…” she said, sighing in contentment and craning her neck a bit. “Don’t tell him I said that though…”

“Get away from Rarity!” Lyra told him. “Humans are very dangerous! He could hurt you!”

“Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t… this just simply feels too good…”

“Get your claws off of her!” Twilight demanded as Archard continued, closing his eyes as he petted and scratched the unicorn, able to feel and hear Rarity start to purr.

“But it’s so soft…” he responded, almost as happy petting her as Rarity was being petted.

Twilight frowned nervously, afraid of what he might do, and, aiming her horn so that she didn’t hit her friend, sent a beam of magic his way, watching as it hit him and caused him to fall to the floor.

“Oh god!” he got out, his eyes shut tightly now. “Oh god! Hahahahaha! Oh god, that tickles! Make it- hahahahaha! Make it stop! Ahahahaha!”

“Mmmm- huh? Why ever did you make him stop?” Rarity complained, putting on a pouty face. “He was doing such a good job…”

“He’s dangerous, Rarity,” Twilight spoke with authority. “Lyra’s book has a hundred things in it saying what he could do. He said he eats cows! What would Applejack think if we let him loose?”

Rarity’s face changed from a pout to a grimace at that news, responding, “Well, when you put it like that… besides, I brought material here to get him a new outfit. We might as well get started on that…” She reached her hooves down again to pick him up, and flinched back and cried out as she was shocked by electricity, the human still laughing.

“Ow! It shocked me!” she got out, giving a little shiver as the electricity traveled through her. “What in Equestria did you do to him, Twilight?”

“It wasn’t that strong of a blast I shot at him,” she explained as she reached down herself to pick up the creature, Arcahrd rolled over on his stomach and kicking his feet as the tickling slowly started to die down. “It should’ve just been enough to knock him away from- ow! What the hay?”

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! It’s just-” he got out breathlessly, still laughing hard. “It tickles so much, it’s making my stomach hurt!”

“Oh, ow… ah!” Twilight grunted painfully, trying to lift him up for a few seconds before giving up because of the shocks. “Ugh, note to self: magic that can touch him tickles him and turns into electricity for us.”

“That’s very interesting!” Lyra commented. “There’s so much stuff to learn from it! I think I could write a follow-up book if I have enough material! And now that we know humans are real, hundreds of ponies will buy it!”

“Whatever, let’s just get him on the table, okay?” Twilight said, rolling her eyes and placing her hooves on him again. "Ow!"

Author's Note

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And Away We Go

“You know,” Archard started as he lay down on the table, “I’m not normally one to complain, I’m really not, but I do think having my wrists chained up is just a tiny bit excessive. I’m sure you understand where I’m coming from.”

Twilight and Rarity paid no attention to him as the former ran around her lab grabbing stuff and making notes and the latter spent time measuring him and drawing in her sketchbook an outfit she was going to design for him. It left only Lyra to talk to him, which she was content with.

“We have to make sure you don’t try to hurt us, even if you Pinkie promised… do humans really not have any magic? My research says you have to take lightning out of the clouds for energy.”

“Also, are you a mare or a stallion, darling?” Rarity asked without looking up. “Forgive me if I can’t tell, but with your unique frame, it’s hard to judge.”

“Nope, no magic, but we don’t use lighting. That would be dangerous. We get energy the safe way, which is by burning stuff like coal and oil in factories and pumping the fumes into the air. Also, I’m not a stallion or a mare, because those words are only used for horses. I am a male though. Also, I’m pretty sure I could break out of this in, like, three seconds if I wanted to. I mean, you didn’t even use metal to chain me up. These are zip ties.”

“Interesting… how did you learn Ponish? Do they speak it where you come from?”

“Nope, we speak English, er, most of us do where I live anyway. It just so happens to be the same language, which is really weird I think… do ponies really eat hayburgers?”

“Yes, it’s actually one of Twilight’s favorite foods I heard, since ponies see her there so often.” The alicorn paused to send a frown the two’s way as she continued to run around her lab, Lyra continuing, “What’s a human’s favorite food?”

“Ummm pizza, I would say. Everyone likes pizza… except some people are heathens and think it’s okay to put pineapple on pizza.” He made a face and stuck his tongue out as he said, “Gross.”

“Note: don’t put pineapples on pizza,” Lyra said to herself as she wrote down what she was learning. “There’s so much good stuff you’re giving me!” she told him. “I think I’m definitely going to have enough for a second book, and maybe even a third!”

“Whoa, you’re going to write a book about me?” he asked. “Make sure to put in there that I’m six foot six and look like Tom Cruise. That would be cool. Although people probably don’t know who Tom Cruise is, but you should do it anyway!”

“...and looks… like… Tom… Cruise,” Lyra wrote down, much to Archard’s delight. As she did so, Twilight moved up with a tape measure and a magnifying glass to finally start examining him, taking a look at his ears and eyes first.

“Hmmm… looks like its eye is in the shape of a ball…” she commented as she used her hooves to pull his eyelids apart, forced to do so because of her magic’s lack of effect on him. “Very strange,” she mumbled as she wrote it down, moving on to inspect his other eye, as though it would be different.

“Are you saying you guys don’t have eyeballs?” Archard asked. “What do you have then? Cause they look like eyeballs to me.”

“Ponies have eye plates,” Lyra explained as Twilight moved to look at his ears and mouth. “Actually, I’m pretty sure every creature has them. Having a ball for an eye would be weird.”

“Uhh, I think everything where I come from has eyeballs. Except jellyfish, but they don’t count cause they don’t have eyes. And I guess other stuff, but you get what I’m saying. Things don’t have eye plates. That’s weird.”

“No, it’s weird to have balls in your head,” Lyra argued. “You have to see out of balls.”

“Well when you say it like that it’s weird, and also lewd as hell, but it’s not actually that weird. Eye plates are what’s weird. I mean, how can you even-” He was suddenly cut off by Twilight using her hooves to open his mouth and inspect it.

“Hmmmm… looks like it has both canines and molars… I guess we could feed him hay and grass and things like that.”

“Ihm naht guna eea hayr,” he protested, getting a confused look from Twilight until she realized she was still forcing his mouth open. “I’m not gonna eat hay,” he said again once his mouth was free. “Hay is gross, and so is grass. I’ll eat… uh, bread. And rice and potatoes.”

“Well, I guess we can do that, as long as you’re not planning on eating cows.”

“Why? Hamburgers are gooooood…” The response caused Lyra and Twilight to grimace and cringe, Rarity too focused on what she was doing to hear what he was saying.

“Let's… move on please,” Twilight decided, moving down to examine his stomach. “Can you take off your shirt for me?”

“I would, but my hands are laundry detergent,” he responded before laughing at his own dumb joke, not caring about the weird looks he got. “But seriously, my hands are tied, so there’s not much I can do, unless I broke your zip tie, which would be pretty rude and you'd probably get mad and have a freak out if I did.”

“Well, I guess we can always cut them off.”

“Whoa, you’re going to cut off my hands?” he asked, although he didn’t sound particularly serious or afraid. “That seems a bit excessive, I think. You could just cut the tie.”

“What? No! We’re going to cut off your shirt, obviously!”

“Oh, well, I guess that makes more sense, but I’d really rather not have my shirt cut, either. Like I said, I made this myself, so…”

“Well, I’m cutting it off so I can take a look at you,” she decided, floating over a pair of scissors.

“No!” he said, his carefree tone gone, and replaced with the sound of authority in his voice. “I don’t want my shirt cut, and that’s that. You can take it off if you want to see what I look like, but it’s not getting cut.”

“Alright, fine,” Twilight said as she rolled her eyes, moving her hooves to the edge of his shirt. “I’ll just roll it up then. It’s not as good, but it’ll have to do, I guess.”

“Note to self, humans don’t like having their clothes destroyed,” Lyra said aloud as she wrote it down.

“To be fair though,” Rarity interjected without looking up, “I wouldn’t want my clothing destroyed, even if it was as tacky looking as that poor creature’s, especially if I made it myself.”

“Hey! My costume isn’t tacky!”

“Oh, yes, it absolutely is. For starters…”

As Archard and Rarity debated on whether his clothes were fashionable or not, Twilight got to work on seeing his stomach and chest, noting that he looked a bit bony from what she could tell. He didn’t have much fat or muscle on him, and she silently wondered how he was able to stand and carry his weight. It must have been difficult to do.

She used her hooves to feel around a bit, tickling him a bit as she pressed his chest and stomach as though she was a doctor, determining that his skeletal structure was similar to that of a minotaur. That was actually the best way to describe him. The less fearsome version of a minotaur, one without fur or horns and much less muscular. Seeing him like this helped calm her nerves. She didn’t think a creature who looked like this could really do much harm, and her fear would’ve been gone completely had he not said he ate cows and could destroy whole cities.

Twilight moved her hooves down to start undoing his pants when she got a jerk of his hips away from her, making her jump back in surprise.

“Oh, no,” the human protested. “You are not pulling down my pants. This isn’t one of those fanfictions.”

“I need to examine you, and I already did your head and barrel, so-”

“Where I come from, we have something called modesty,” he explained as he jerked his hips away from her again, “and I’d like to keep being modest, thank you very much. Or at least wait until the third date.”

“What’s there to be modest about?” the mare asked as she struggled to try and stop him from wiggling around. “I’m sure you look the same as every other creature, and you don’t see any of us wearing pants.”

“You're right. I do look the same as every other male creature down there, which is why you should just use your imagination and respect my decision to not strip in front of you.”

“Just let- let me… undo your pants!” Twilight demanded, trying to undo the button of his jeans. “Stop resisting me!”

“You know, out of context this would look really bad!” he commented as he continued to move his hips away from her. “And sound really bad, too! You should probably stop!”

“Ugh, fine!” she declared, finally throwing her hooves in the air over her head. “But I’m taking a blood sample, and you won’t stop me from doing that.”

“Uhhh, I hope you don’t have to use a needle, because I really, really don’t like those. Like, it’s almost a phobia.”

“Oh, of course, you don't like them,” Twilight mumbled as she searched for something to draw blood. “If that’s true, then how did you sew that costume?”

“That’s not the same at all. Getting my blood taken and using a needle to design an outfit are two different things. Rarity will agree with me, right Rarity?”

“Not now, darling, I’m still working,” the unicorn responded, waving a hoof in his direction dismissively. “Need to get you out of that dreadful thing and into something decent.”

“Well, I think the point stands anyway. I don’t want to have a needle inside me.”

“I have to say, I am curious about his blood,” Lyra said. “My research says it should be able to heal a pony’s injuries… but I’m not sure if we should risk it escaping…”

“It’s not going to escape, we have it tied up, and if it does, I can shoot another blast of magic at it.” As she said it, she held up the needle she was going to use, continuing, “Anyway, there shouldn’t be an issue. But lock the door please, Lyra.”

“Do you know how creepy this is?” Archard asked as he lay on the table. “This is going to end up being like Saw or something. Actually, no. It’ll be like Hostel. You’re gonna pay ponies to torture me if you don’t torture me yourself.”

“It’s not creepy,” Twilight explained. “I’m doing what every scientist does and examining you.”

“That’s what the guy in Hostel said! And then he killed the other guy! If you start drilling holes in my body, I’m going to be so mad!”

“Why would I- what? What kind of place are you from where you would think I would do something like that?”

“I don’t know, but you’re the one who tickled me and then chained me up here, so…”

“I did that because you said you said you were going to destroy the whole city and my library, so why would I let you out after that?”

“No, I said Tirek would destroy your library, and that humans have weapons that can destroy whole cities. I specifically can’t destroy a whole city. Well, I could, but it would take a very long time and a lot of effort. Like, a month, at least, especially if I’m doing it all by hand.”

“See? You said you could destroy a whole city! That means we have to keep you locked up!”

“I’m not gonna though!” he argued. “I Pinkie promised and everything that I wouldn’t do that!”

“Yeah, well, even if you did, I still want to examine you, and I can’t have you running off when I try to take your blood.”

“Yeah, well… I promise, if that thing touches me, I will scream, break these zip ties, and run away, so… you have been warned, just so you know. Don’t blame me.”

“Whatever, I can keep him here.” Twilight thought to herself as she approached with the needle. “I mean, he is dangerous, but he’s not as big of a threat as I thought before. I’ll just hit him with another magic blast, and that should… tickle him, I guess.”

“I’ll do it,” he told the mare as she got close, looking her in the eye as she held the needle in her hoof. “I promise I will. Don’t test me.”

“I really think he’ll do it, Twilight,” Lyra cautioned. “My notes say humans are agile, so he can probably escape if he runs. I mean, weren’t you the one who was worried about him being dangerous to begin with?”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure everything is going to be fine.”

“Okay, but when you’re wrong like you were about humans existing, don’t say I didn’t tell you so.”

Archard made sure to look Twilight in the eye and raise his eyebrow as she brought the needle to his skin.

The smell of tea brought Spike back to wakefulness.

He rubbed his eyes as he yawned, stretching as he sat up, looking around and trying to remember where he was. He remembered seeing Rarity (like he could ever forget) and running to somepony’s home about… something. Something beige if he remembered correctly. Or maybe more tan. Tannish pink, with a dash of ivory? He didn’t know, but the color stuck out in his head. It definitely wasn’t one he saw every day.

And being called cute. He remembered that, too, and he stuck out his tongue because of it. He wasn’t cute. He was a dragon! He was ferocious!... well, not yet, but he would be one day! He certainly wasn’t adorable, that was for sure.

But the smell of tea called him, and he put it out of his head as he sat up and followed his nose to the kitchen, realizing he was in Fluttershy’s cottage. And in it he saw… Fluttershy, which he couldn’t say was a surprise. He saw Discord with her as well, which… also wasn’t a surprise, seeing as she was essentially his best (and perhaps only) friend. Apparently, he came to Fluttershy’s cottage during the two’s tea party.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Twilight Sparkle’s little stooge,” Discord teased as he took a sip of tea. “You know, some creatures consider it rude to interrupt ponies during their bi-monthly tea time, although it doesn’t appear that you’re one of those creatures.”

“Be nice, Discord,” the yellow pegasus reprimanded lightly. “He ran all the way here to tell us something important, isn’t that right, Spikey?”

“Uh, yeah, I did,” he confirmed, yawning again. “But I- I can’t remember what it was going to be… something beige,
I thought. How long was I asleep?”

“Not that long, only a few minutes, maybe half an hour at most. Would you like to join us for tea? I made enough for the three of us.”

The dragon shrugged and answered, “Sure.”

“Absolutely not,” Discord frowned. “This is our private tea party, and I refuse to have other individuals partake. That little fax machine of a dragon will just have to find tea elsewhere.”

“Hey!”

“Discord…”

“What?” he asked defensively. “It’s true. He is a little fax machine, see?” He snapped his fingers and Spike watched as his body was replaced with a strange machine with numerous buttons.

“Discord!” Spike complained. “Change me back!”

“Only if you agree that this tea is strictly for Fluttershy and I.”

“Discord, be nice,” Fluttershy told him again. “He can have a cup of tea if he’d like. Oh! He could even join us. Doesn’t that sound nice?”

“No, that sounds horrific. Having tea with a fax machine? I’m the Lord of Chaos, and even I think that sounds ridiculous.” Fluttershy frowned sadly at that, putting on her best puppy dog eyes, but the draconequus wasn’t having it, waving a hand at her.

“You won’t get me to change my mind,” he told her. “I’m as solid as a rock in my position.” As he said it, he knocked on his head with the rock he now had for a hand.

“Okay…” the pegasus said sadly, sniffling a bit for show, making sure he could see that he was making her sad. Discord took a sip of his tea and a bite of his sandwich as he watched her, able only to keep his composure for a moment before giving in to her request.

“Fine,” he announced, snapping his fingers to change Spike back and floated him up to a seat at the table. “He can have one cup of tea with us, but that’s it. And I certainly don’t want any other ponies coming here and interrupting us.”

Just as he said it, there was a knock on Fluttershy’s door. A second after that, somepony, or, in this case, some creature, let itself into her cottage.

“Sorry…” Archard got out breathlessly as he quickly went inside and shut the door behind him. “I don’t mean… to bother you… but… needles… and chickens… and Hostel... ah… I’m just gonna… gonna take a breather for a minute… thanks…” He bent over and put his hands on his knees to breathe better.

“Humph,” Discord grumbled as both Fluttershy and Spike stared wide-eyed at the human. “More distractions from our tea. How predictable.”

Author's Note

Just so you know, this story is currently scheduled to update twice a month. I'm not forgetting about it or anything like that. That's just the schedule it's under.

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Mayonnaise

“Are those sandwiches?” Archard asked as he looked up again after a minute of catching his breath, the rest of the room staring at him silently. “Sandwiches and tea? Oh, can I have some? I’m kind of hungry right now. I hope they have mayo. That’s my favorite.”

“Oh, well, I mean,” the pegasus started shyly, “of course you-”

“Absolutely not!” Discord interrupted Fluttershy. “This tea party is strictly for Fluttershy and I, and I won’t have any creature else interrupting. Now please kindly beat it before I turn you into a cheese souffle.”

“Discord, be nice,” Fluttershy told him sternly, taking a sip of tea.

“I will not be nice!” he responded. “This is supposed to be our tea party, and yet there seems to be a significant amount of strange creatures wandering into your cottage.”

“I’m not a strange creature!” Archard protested, still tired a bit. “You’re the one that’s strange. I’m just a normal creature!”

“It’s not a normal creature!” Spike got out, finally realizing he should say something. “It said it eats ponies! Twilight sent me to tell you that, Fluttershy, and that you have to get to her lab right now before it... well, heck.”

“I most certainly did not say that! I said other people eat horses, which isn’t the same as ponies. And even if they were the same, I would never want to eat a pony. And even if I wanted to eat a pony, I already pinkie promised not to, so…”

“Oh, I’m sure you wouldn’t hurt anypony,” Fluttershy agreed, flying up to him and putting her hooves around his head, ruffling his hair a bit. “You’re absolutely adorable,” she cooed. “I bet you wouldn’t hurt a fly, would you, you cutie?”

“Of course not,” Archard replied with a wide smile on his face as he was petted. “I’m adorable. How could any of what I do possibly hurt anypony?”

“How could we let it get away?” Twilight asked, flabbergasted that the human had escaped her so quickly, seeming to have vanished into thin air, nowhere to be seen once she was outside.

The whole chain of events that transpired happened quickly. She had gotten the needle to the tip of his vein for a blood sample when he all of a sudden broke his restraints (as he said he would do) and fled, somehow able to get through the door that the alicorn had magically locked.

Despite walking on just two limbs, he seemed to have a strange sort of agility, bounding up the stairs and out the door in the blink of an eye, Twilight trying and failing to chase after him as he yelled about how he was going to run off someplace. It caused a bead of sweat to form on her brow once she saw that he disappeared, and she looked around frantically for where the thing went.

“Lyra!” the mare called as the unicorn made her way to where Twilight was. “Where could it have gone?”

“It said it was going to the Everfree, I think,” Lyra told her, sounding a cross between nervous and serious. “Although it might have gone to Applejack’s orchard instead. Humans like trees, and use them to build things and burn stuff. We need to bring that chicken, as well as a pineapple, a small bag of sand, two nails, and three cloves of garlic.”

“What? What are we gonna do with-”

“No time to explain! We can’t stop and wait to make a plan! This thing is dangerous and is on the loose! We have to find it before it tries to hurt somepony!”

“It definitely went to the Apple family orchard,” Twilight said. “It said it was hungry, and said that it eats cows, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s where it went. I don't think it's too much of a stretch to assume it knows where that is, so we have to get to it and stop it from doing something before something bad happens.”

“Yer knor, yeru havernt bern drnken yer tea, Dushcord,” the human said with a mouthful of sandwich as the draconequus glared at both he and Spike. The human chewed with his mouth open as he ate, causing even the Lord of Chaos to make a face at him in disgust.

“It seems I might have lost my appetite in the presence of those intruding upon Fluttershy and I. But don’t mind me, you two clearly have more need to partake in our tea party that you so rudely interrupted.”

“Oher.” Archard swallowed his food and continued, “Well, if you say so.”

“Awww, Discord, don’t be like that,” Fluttershy tried to say. “I mean, look at him! He’s adorable…”

The scene was a bizarre one to Spike, who was sitting at the table at Fluttershy’s cottage, carefully sipping tea. Here he was, drinking tea with the shyest pony in Ponyville, the Lord of Chaos himself, and a strange creature that Twilight summoned. It was one of the weirder things that he’d encountered since moving with the unicorn, now alicorn, to Ponyville, although definitely not the weirdest. Still, it was up there.

“Um, I think Twilight is waiting for us to get back to her to, um… deal with it?” Spike said before taking another sip. Not that he was too concerned. Fluttershy was great with animals, and this thing was an animal. Well, he thought so anyway. He couldn't really tell.

“Hey, I’m not an it!” Archard protested. “I’m a he, and deserve to be referred to as such.”

“Of course you do… what was your name again?”

“Archard Otieno as I was telling Lyra and Twilight before they so rudely chained me up.”

“Wait, Lyra and Twilight chained you up?” Fluttershy asked, putting a hoof to her mouth in horror. “That’s horrible!”

“Well, I wasn’t exactly chained per se, but they did put me in zip ties and tickled me, which I'm pretty sure is a form of torture. Luckily, though, I was able to break out, and now I’m here. I’m pretty sure they’re trying to chase me though… or maybe they don’t care? They probably do, though. Twilight didn’t seem very happy. But I told her if she touched me with that needle, I’d run, so I’m not in the wrong cause I warned her.”

“Of course you’re not,” Fluttershy told him, flying up to him again. “That must have been very scary, and any creature in your position would’ve ran off, too. Nopony here blames you for running away, but you have to promise not to run from me, okay?”

“Of course, I won’t run from you, Fluttershy,” Archard responded, moving his hand to pet her and scratch her ears. “You’re just as soft as Rarity, so how can I run away from you? I mean, unless Twilight comes back with that needle. I’ll run then.”

“I’ll make sure that needle goes nowhere near you,” Fluttershy assured him as she closed her eyes and started to purr.

“Awwww, you really are the Element of Kindness, aren’t you, Fluttershy!”

“You two’s public displays of affection are disgusting, you do realize that, Fluttershy.”

“Oh, hush now, Discord, you show affection, too,” Fluttershy replied. “Just in a different way.”

“I most certainly do not!” he argued. “How could anything I do be considered affectionate? I’m the God of Chaos! I’m the opposite of affectionate, see?” He snapped his fingers and conjured up a trio of hearts with stick-like hands and feet as well as razor sharp teeth.

“Oh, that’s just your way of showing affection. Everypony knows it.”

“Humph. I don’t see why we have to have either of those creatures eat with us. Although I must admit, I am curious how it managed to escape somepony like Twilight Sparkle.”

“Oh, I told her that I was gonna go to the Everfree forest,” Archard explained before taking another bite of his sandwich. “It was just a basic diversion technique though so they wouldn’t follow me. I mean, why would I ever go out there? It’s scary, and probably has bugs and shit. Not that I mind, I was just in a forest before I got here, but still. The point stands, I think.”

“Um, well… that sounds a bit dangerous,” Fluttershy squeaked out. “Maybe we should go and tell her that you’re-”

“No, no interruptions, Fluttershy,” Discord told her sternly. “We will not have our tea party interrupted by anypony else, least of all Twilight and her friends.”

“Yeah… I’m pretty sure she knows I was lying,” Archard commented, sounding a bit disappointed. “I’m pretty sure she didn’t believe me about even one thing, not even when I said I looked like Tom Cruise…”

“Like hay is some creature gonna try and eat my farm animals!” Applejack said angrily as she stomped a hoof into the dirt. “If Ah see that thing comin’ up ta my animals, it’s gonna get a good, hard buck in the face!”

“Oh, this is super exciting!” Pinkie Pie chimed in. “I can’t wait to throw a ‘Welcome To Ponyville Super Scary Alien Creature’ party! I have to get planning right now!”

“No time, Pinkie,” Twilight told her. “We have to find it and track it down and make sure everypony stays safe. That’s the objective here, especially with what we think it’s capable of.”

“Okay, I get that, but… what’s with all that weird stuff, Lyra?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Actually, what are you doing here at all?”

“I’m an expert on humans, and helped Twilight summon it here, so I know best how to handle it,” she explained. “I even wrote a whole book on humans that everypony should buy, seeing as I’m not crazy like someponies thought.”

“Yeah, well, you summoned the thing here, so this is kind of your fault, Lyra,” Twilight told her.

“Hey, I told you it was dangerous, and you still wanted to do it anyway, so that’s not my fault. Actually, I told you that you shouldn’t try to take its blood too, but you didn’t want to listen to me about that, either.”

“Whatever! We shouldn’t be standing here arguing about this. We need to find it before something bad happens! And if it’s not here, it’s probably in the Everfree Forest, so we need to find and capture it before sundown comes.”

“Well, let’s get Rarity and Fluttershy and then we can-”

“No, that’s not a good idea,” Lyra interrupted. “Too many ponies might frighten it or make it hear us before we can catch it. The five of us should be enough to catch it, as long as we have a good net. And we need to make sure it’s covered in garlic this time, so it doesn’t get away from us like last time.”

“Is there anything we can do to get magic to work on it?” Twilight asked. “It’d be great if there was something we can do about that other than tickle it.”

“Hmmm… I don’t know… I honestly didn’t think magic would have no effect on him… maybe if we covered your horn in mayonnaise?”

“Lyra, this is serious,” Twilight reprimanded her, scowling at the thought. “We don’t have time for jokes so-”

“It’s not a joke! Everypony knows that mayonnaise has magic enhancing properties… or is it miracle whip? I can never remember.”

“That doesn’t make any sense!” Twilight yelled, getting fed up with the whole situation. “There’s no basis for that at all anywhere in thaumatology or I would know about it! There’s no basis for any of this! That ridiculous setup we used to bring the thing here shouldn’t have even worked! Everything you’re saying is complete garbage!”

“And yet you haven’t trusted me about one thing yet, Twilight,” Lyra responded. “Everything I’ve been telling you so far, I’ve been right about, and yet you’ve just completely blown it off. Maybe if you listened to me and believed me about humans in the first place, none of this would be happening! Now put mayonnaise on your horn like I’m telling you to so we can catch this thing!”

“ARGH!” Twilight yelled, hating her logic about how she should listen to her, what Twilight considered, illogical ramblings. Everything she said made no sense at all, and somehow none of what she said was proven wrong. Worse, much of it was proven right, and it frustrated the alicorn. She didn’t enjoy being in a position to have to listen to somepony like Lyra, and yet, at that moment, she really couldn’t help it.

She grumbled and started, “Rainbow Dash, can you get… ugh… a jar of mayonnaise, please? This is ridiculous…”

“On it,” she replied quickly, racing into the Apple family’s home and back out a few seconds later with a large jar of the stuff. “Did you need help with, hehe, um, putting it on your horn?” She couldn’t help laugh at the idea of what the mare was about to do.

“I’m perfectly capable doing this myself, thank you very much,” she said with a clearly annoyed tone. She took only a moment to look at the container and then up to Lyra, who gave her a simple nod. With that, she sighed and untwisted the jar to do what she said. She gave Rainbow Dash, who was already snickering as she watched her, a quick glare before closing her eyes and doing as Lyra requested.

“See? You probably- mmrph- probably already- hehe- feel stronger already, don’t you?” Lyra said, trying not to laugh at the sight of her. “But um, you should make sure it covers the- the base of your horn, too.”

“Ugh, whatever! It’s not going to make a difference! Let’s get going to find the thing!”

“Wait a minute! We’re also going to need catnip to try and lure it towards you, Twilight. Rainbow, can you run over to-”

“Let’s go!” the alicorn demanded, teleporting the five of them away from there and to the Everfree forest.

Author's Note

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Jokes On You

“Well, what are we waiting for girls?” Twilight asked as the five of them stood in front of the dark forest. “Let's go in.”

“Are ya sure about this, Twi?” Applejack asked. “Ah mean, there ain't even any tracks leadin’ into the forest. How do ya even know it went in there?”

“Well, like I said,” Lyra explained, “it likes trees cause its species uses trees for energy, so it definitely went someplace with trees. Plus, it repels magic, so since the Everfree is magical, it’s gonna obviously not leave any hoofprints in the dirt.”

The group looked to Twilight to see if that made sense, and despite the urge to roll her eyes at the nonsense, she nodded her head in agreement. None of what Lyra said made any semblance of sense in her eyes, but she decided to agree with her for a little while anyway, at least until she could be proven wrong.

“Is there anything else we need, Lyra?” Twilight asked. “Do you have everything you want?”

“Ummm… yes!” she responded after looking around at everything she was carrying. “Except catnip. We still are gonna want to get that.”

“Oooo catnip!” Pinkie got out. “That’s one of my favorites! It makes me feel all funny and happy! Oh! I could put that in the next cake I bake at my next party!”

“Um, don’t do that, Pinkie,” Applejack told her. “Yer gonna have the whole town goin’ crazy on that stuff if ya do. Ah've seen what happens ta Rarity's cat, Opalescence.”

“Awww… but it was gonna be fun...”

“Can we go already?” Twilight asked with a tone in her voice. “We need to find it before something bad happens! It said it could destroy the whole town! And I really- ugh, this mayo is making my horn feel sticky and gross! This smell is going to take forever to get out!”

“Oh, I wonder what it looks like! I have so many questions to ask it!” Pinkie Pie said eagerly as the five of them started into the Everfree forest, following the path that was marked in the dirt. “Like whether it likes to put pineapples on his pizza!”

“Nope, he doesn’t,” Lyra told her. “He said the creatures that do that are gremlins where he comes from. He told us.”

“Awww, but it just tastes so good! So sweet and tangy and wonderful! How could anypony be a gremlin for liking it?”

“If it tells me it doesn’t like pineapple on pizza, I’m gonna throw a pineapple in its face!” Rainbow Dash proclaimed. “Pineapple on pizza is great! Everypony knows that!”

“Ugh, can we walk quietly please?” Twilight asked, sounding very annoyed. “We need to watch and listen for anything suspicious, alright? We can’t do that if you guys are all jabbering and scaring it off!”

“Are y’all okay, Twi?” Applejack asked the mare. “Ya seem like yer in a bad mood.”

“No, I am not okay!” she yelled as she stomped and the rest of them walked through the forest. “We have a dangerous creature on the loose, one that’s somewhere in the most dangerous forest in Equestria, and magic doesn’t work on it so we have to rely on a net, garlic, and a chicken to catch it! AND THIS MAYONNAISE IS STICKY!”

"Baaaaawk!" bawked the chicken.

"Be quiet, chicken! You're scaring it off! Jeez!"

“Alright, Ah hear ya Twilight, it’s a stressful situation yer in. Just take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Calm down.”

“I can’t calm down! What are we going to do if it escapes? What are we going to do if it tries to burn down the Everfree forest or destroys the town? What if-”

“Twi, ya have ta calm down. Freakin’ out ain’t gonna help us find this creature. Ya were just talkin’ about how much noise they were makin’, and yer makin’ just as much as them now, if not more. Just take a breath for me.”

“You’re right,” the alicorn agreed, taking a breath as her friend told her. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m just getting concerned. We have to find this thing before something bad happens.”

“Ah hear ya Twilight, but gettin’ all worked up ain’t gonna help us do that,” Applejack told her, putting a hoof on her shoulder. “We’re gonna find it and do whatever ya think we need ta do. As long as ya have yer friends with ya, there ain’t nothing we can’t do.”

“Thanks, AJ, I appreciate it. I needed to hear that.” She took another breath before continuing, “Now let's find this creature so I can give it a piece of my mind for running away like that.”

“I mean, it was your fault it ran away,” Lyra mumbled to herself as the group started walking again. “It said it would.”

Twilight rolled her eyes, hiding her slight embarrassment as they walked through the forest. It felt strangely quiet as they made their way through, but she didn’t pay much mind to it. She had her attention on scanning the ground for tracks, trying to ignore the sour sauce drying on her horn. As well, she ordered Rainbow Dash to fly ahead to see if she could see it anywhere and report back to her every so often.

“Still nothing,” the pegasus told her as they silently trotted through. “Maybe we should split up and try to find it that way.”

“It mighta been a good idea ta bring Flutters with us,” Applejack commented. “Ah mean, she’s the best with animals and such, so she mighta been able ta find it easier.”

“She would’ve been,” Twilight agreed, “but we don’t really have time to turn around now. Besides, Lyra was the one who suggested against bringing any more ponies.”

“Yeah, and I’m pretty sure her tea party with Discord is scheduled for today,” Rainbow Dash added as she flew above them, “and we all know how he gets about that.”

“Yeah, that’s not something I want to have to deal with. We already- what was that?” Twilight’s ears perked up as she heard a noise.

“Ah didn’t hear anythin’,” AJ commented, looking around.

“Didn’t see anything either up here,” Rainbow added as she lowered herself back to her hooves.

“I know I heard something. It’s probably somewhere nearby.”

“Oh, I hope it is!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Then I can ask it all kinds of questions! Like what it’s favorite food is and how many marshmallows it likes in it’s hot chocolate and-”

“Maybe we should split up,” Lyra suggested. “We could be in two groups. One can go with Twilight since she has mayonnaise on her horn-”

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie giggled at that, Twilight sending a look their way.

“-and the other group can come with me since I have the net. That way we can catch him twice as fast.”

“Fine, but can we please hurry this up?” Twilight asked. “This feels disgusting in the sun and is going to take forever to-”

All of a sudden, there was a loud roar behind them, and the next thing the group knew, they were face to face with a manticore.

“Humph. Some friends they sound like then.” Discord commented, taking a sip of his tea. “I mean, Fluttershy here has taught me a thing or two about friendship, and I’m certain good friends don’t leave their companions standing out in the rain.”

“I mean, the whole point was to go out to the forest in the rain!” Archard continued, making his point as Spike and Fluttershy listened intently, interested in the scenario. “We picked today because of the rain! It was part of the game! And then Aaron and Lee just abandoned us! Although I guess if they were there, I might not have cast Fulmineum on that ogre, and then I might not be having tea with you, so I guess in the end it all worked out. Although I hope the ogre is dead. Can’t just leave Troy with that to kill by himself. That would be rude.”

“Bah humbug, I say!” Discord replied.

“Just like Scrooge!”

“If they were there, you might not be intruding on our tea party!” he continued. “I ought to go there and give them a piece of my mind myself. Spending some time with the Smooze ought to teach them some respect. Or perhaps I should turn their homes into a desert, since they seem to be so afraid of water as you suggest.”

“Oh, that reminds me! I should try and call them!... but I don’t have my phone,” Archard said disappointedly, looking at his hands. “But I do have my watch!” he remembered. “I wonder if Equestria has cell service.”

“Your watch?” Spike asked curiously, leaning over to look at his wrist. "You're going to call somepony using a watch?"

“Yup! It’s a smartwatch actually. I’m kinda surprised Twilight hadn’t asked about it, although she was probably going to get to that soon. Let me just see…” He fiddled with it a little bit before announcing, “Nope. No service. Equestria is a dead zone. But funnily enough, it looks like it’s charging. Weird. Anyway, I guess I can’t call them. I was gonna totally brag about this to them.”

“Wait, you were gonna call them from that tiny thing?” Spike asked. “How?”

“Oh, well, like I said, it’s a smartwatch,” the human explained. “It can do a lot of things, like monitor stress and see my sleeping patterns and check my heart rate and call people… and play music! Listen to this!”

A few seconds after he said it, a song was playing, one that made all three of the listeners tilt their heads in confusion for a moment before Discord smiled while Fluttershy cringed and Spike put his hands on his ears.

“What kind of music is that?” the dragon asked. “I’ve never heard of anything like that! It sounds terrible!”

“Oh, it’s one of my favorites!” Archard told him happily. “It’s called Angry Chair by Alice in Chains! It’s really good!”

“Um, that’s um… certainly… um, unique…”

"It sounds awful! How can anypony listen to that?" Spike asked. "All the creatures in your world must be deaf if they like that!"

“It sounds quite chaotic,” Discord commented. “Very nice. I do believe I’ve found the music for this year’s Grand Galloping Gala.”

“At least somepony can appreciate it,” the human said firmly, letting it play for a few more seconds before shutting it off.

“Awwww, look at that!” Fluttershy cooed. “You two are bonding! How precious!”

“We are not bonding,” Discord immediately objected, frowning again. “Just because this creature has shown me interesting music does not mean that we’ve bonded. He still interrupted our tea party, and hasn’t even had the good grace to apologize for it yet.”

“Oh. Well… I’m sorry. I can show you more music as an apology if you want?”

“Well, it’s certainly the least you can do.”

The manticore looked angry and took a step closer to them as the five ponies stood frozen, four of them with fearful looks on their faces.

“Wow! That thing looks really angry!” Pinkie Pie commented with a foolish grin. “I bet a party would make it feel better!”

As if to respond, the creature roared angrily at the five of them, its breath blowing their hair some and getting spittle on their faces.

“Well, sheesh! All you have to do is say no, silly! You don’t have to yell!”

“Uh, Twilight?” Rainbow Dash got out. “Now might be a good time to do something.”

“Already on it!” she answered, lighting up her horn and sending a blast of magic the thing’s way. Or rather, that’s what she expected to happen. Instead, though, her horn only produced a few sparks that caused the creature to tilt its head in confusion.

“What the heck? My magic’s not working!”

“What? Why? Is it the mayonnaise?”

“Why would it be the mayo? You said it would make my magic stronger, Lyra!”

“I said it should,” she reminded her, “but I also did say it might have been miracle whip that we were supposed to use!”

“Miracle whip and Mayo are the same thing!”

“No they’re not! One has less oil and so it’s cheaper to make! They don't even taste the same, and anypony who says so is lying!”

“Argh! Everything that’s happened today has been your fault!” Twilight got out angrily. “I can’t believe I keep trusting you!”

“I told you that it was dangerous and that you shouldn’t-”

“ROAR!!!” The two were interrupted, looking back up and watching the manticore snarl and stalk closer to them.

“Uh, Twilight, Ah think we better do somethin’ soon…”

“Let me think!” Twilight got out frantically. “Um, uh… Lyra, do you still have that bag of sand?”

“Yes, but we were going to use that on-”

“No time! Throw it in its eyes!”

The manticore took another step as Lyra did as she was told, using her magic to take a hoofful of the stuff and hurl it into the beast’s eyes. The move caused the creature to rear back and howl in pain, and Twilight saw the opportunity presented and wanted to take advantage of it.

“Run!” she yelled, the five taking off after her as the manticore started to chase after them.

“This is all your fault, Twilight!” Lyra told her as she ran beside the mare. “If you would’ve just believed me about humans, none of this would be happening!”

“You were the one who put those instructions in that book!” Twilight argued. “What if somepony else summoned that thing? That’s very irresponsible of you!”

“I said in the book it was dangerous and told you in pony it was dangerous! You’re the irresponsible one for not listening to the expert!”

“Yeah but you- whoa! What’s happening to me?”

Twilight’s sudden stop in the middle of the trail caused the others to trip forward and push themselves into the dirt on the forest floor, a few scrapes and bruises coming from it. Worse than that though was the familiar blue flower they saw on the ground in front of them, one that they recognized but were unable to stop themselves from tumbling into, one that was commonly known as ‘poison joke’.

Twilight began to change first, watching in horror as her hooves started to turn into… she didn’t know. Something soft and squishy, she could tell that much. She carefully took a step forward, her look of horror changing into a frustrated scowl as she heard a distinctive “fraap” and felt her hooves vibrate beneath her. It caused her to give an angry stomp, and she groaned when her now whoopie cushion hooves made another farting sound.

Lyra was the next to transform, looking confused for a moment before smiling as she watched her own hooves change into hands. She giggled as she stood on her front hooves to flex her new fingers happily. However, her happiness changed into concern once she realized that her new hands were still growing, to twice, thrice, four times the size of what she knew Archard’s hands were. They were large and clumsy and caused her to stumble when she tried to walk, not nearly as great on her as she expected them to be.

The other three ponies with them fell into the flowers and began to change a few seconds after them. Applejack watched as the bulk of her body was turned into sand, pressing a hoof into her side as it did so and watching as it morphed and indented where her hoof pushed. She could only say she was happy that it didn’t break off, although she did feel heavier, and much more grimey than usual, even for her.

Rainbow Dash’s body remained the same, except for her head, which she felt get bigger and start to bobble. She used her hooves to feel what she knew was now plastic, the same stuff that made up her Wonderbolt and Daring Do figurines that she would never admit she had. A tap of her hoof made her head shake more, like a bobblehead she realized. She frowned because of it, thinking about the fact that she was now twenty percent less cool.

Pinkie Pie, for her part, seemingly enjoyed the change, giggling as her limbs and body were turned into balloons, resembling after a moment something a clown would tie up for foals at the carnival. She hovered just a bit off the ground, somehow able to move by almost swimming through the air.

“Look at me, Twilight!” she exclaimed excitedly. “I’m a balloon! Now I can take the party with me wherever I want! Hurray!”

Twilight responded with an annoyed huff before lighting up her horn again, pointing it directly at the manticore. A few more sparks came, but after a second, she was being flung backward from the force of her blast she sent the beast’s way, the sound of a fart coming when she landed. The creature was also flung backward by the mare’s magic, most of the mayo on her horn getting caught in its fur and onto the grass around it.

“Good job, Twilight!” Lyra cheered. “I told you the mayonnaise would work, and it did!”

“Not yet, it didn’t,” she countered as the manticore shook its head and stood back up, growling angrily at the group. The alicorn took a defensive stance as the thing started to stalk the group again before turning its attention to the white cream-like substance now in its fur. It sniffed a foreleg carefully, and once deciding it was safe, took a small lick, and then another, and then a third and fourth. Before long, it was sitting on its haunches, happily lapping up the tasty treat in its fur.

“I… guess that works?” Twilight got out, tilting her head in confusion.

“Certainly better than that thing chasin’ us,” AJ commented, attempting to shake her mane before remembering that it was now sand. “Wish it wouldn’t’ve chased us into this poison joke though.”

“Um, guys?” Rainbow Dash started. “How am I supposed to fly like this?” The group turned and got a good look at how big her head had gotten, snickering once they saw it was almost as big as her body. Even Twilight had to smirk at the sight despite the seriousness of the situation.

“It isn’t funny!” the mare continued. “How am I supposed to fly like this? I’ll be at least twice as slow like this!”

"Why didn't you fly before, Rainbow Dash?" Lyra asked. "I mean, you have wings! You didn't have to run with us."

"I didn't think about it, okay?" the mare said defensively. "It was the heat of the moment! It's not my fault, and it's definitely not funny!"

“I mean, it’s kind of funny!” Pinkie Pie replied. “You’re a bobblehead now! Didn’t you always say you wanted one of you?”

“Yeah, and besides, at least your ego hasn’t changed,” Applejack had to laugh. “Now you have a head to match how big it is.”

“Yeah, well… now you have a body to match your personality, Applejack!” the pegasus replied angrily.

“Okay, Ah walked right into that one,” the earth pony admitted. “Ah deserved it.”

“Oh! Oh! Oh! And now I can throw a party all the time!” the pink mare got out excitedly, floating over to them. “Because you know what they say! Where there are balloons, there’s a party! And with your bobble-y head, it’ll look like you're always dancing to the music!”

“And I have hands, and I gotta say, they’re pretty cool!” Lyra chimed in. “Although I have to say, they’re a bit bigger than I imagined they would be, and kind of clumsy to walk with.” As she said it, she took a few steps forward before falling on her face, struggling to get back up on her own from how her body was now proportioned.

“Um, a little help here?” she asked expectantly, holding up a hand as Applejack tried to pick her up. However, her hoof only became deformed by Lyra’s grip like wet sand. She sighed because of it and did her best to push herself up on her own, taking a minute as she struggled to do so.

“Well, now we know that you don’t know what you’re talking about, Lyra,” Twilight huffed. “That mayonnaise didn’t do anything to make my magic stronger. You were wrong.”

“Nuh uh! You fell backward on your flank from how strong the blast you sent out was! It made your magic better! Admit it!”

“Yeah, after making it weaker and almost getting us killed!”

“Uh, guys?” Applejack interrupted. “Maybe we shouldn’t be standin’ here yammerin’ when there’s a manticore right there. Ah think we should be lookin’ for Zecora ta get us back to good, especially while that thing’s distracted.”

“No, we need to find the human before something bad happens,” Twilight said with authority, taking a step towards Applejack, the sound of her whoopie cushion feet removing any seriousness she tried to portray. “We can’t just leave that thing out and about like it is right now! I mean, look at what already happened because of it!”

“Yeah, but maybe we should check farther away from that thing and let it lick that mayo in peace?” Lyra suggested as she started forward, getting the dirt of the forest floor into her nails as she stumbled.

“I still think we should split up like Lyra was saying before,” Rainbow got in, her head bobbling as she spoke. “We’d cover more ground that way. We could-”

Growl…

The group tensed up at the sound of what they thought was the creature’s stomach, turning around to see it once again stalking towards them, its tongue hanging out of its mouth.

“Wow! That manticore sure is hungry looking!” Pinkie Pie said happily. “Hopefully it doesn’t like ponies or balloons or hands or whoopie cushions or sand or bobbleheads! That would be a very unhealthy, plastic-filled meal if it did!”

“Honestly, this is pretty crazy,” Archard said aloud. “Being in Equestria and all? This is crazier than that time I was awake for four days straight and thought my house was being invaded by frog people.”

“Ooo, that sounds so delightfully chaotic!” Discord said with glee. “I’ll have to meet with Luna to see what she could cook up in these ponies’ dreams. Or perhaps we could have that happen in Ponyville. That sounds like it would be quite the day to have. I’ll have to mark it in my planner.”

“Please don’t give Discord ideas, um, if that's okay Mister Archard,” Fluttershy told him. “He already makes enough trouble on his own.”

“Oh, come on, didn’t you want me to be friendly, my dear, sweet Fluttershy?” Discord asked as he put a claw around the human. “This creature and I are just palling around as it were. Isn’t that right, Arching?”

“Archard, and of course! Although I’m honestly surprised that Twilight hasn’t gotten here yet. I thought she would have found me by now. She’s usually quick about these things.”

“I really, really hope she didn’t go into the Everfree Forest like you told her. I think we should go in there and look for her if she’s not back in a little while. It’s not safe, especially since you’re not there. She could be in there for days looking for you.”

“I’m quite sure she didn’t go in there, Fluttershy,” the draconequus assured her. “As annoying as that mare is, I have to give her credit. She’s quite the smart unicorn, now alicorn. I’m sure she’s just dusting through her textbooks and rubbing mayonnaise on her horn to make her magic more powerful for when she sees it.” He paused and placed a paw on his chin in thoughtfulness, continuing, “Or is it miracle whip? I can never remember which one.”

“I agree with Discord,” Archard said. “I’m sure Twilight’s fine. She’s probably making a list about all the things to do before she catches me, like how to chain me up like the guy from Hostel. But, uh, yeah. She’s probably fine.”

“Heh, Twilight sure does like her lists,” Spike chuckled.

“Well… if you all really think so,” Fluttershy reluctantly agreed.

“I almost wish this thing would just eat me,” Twilight got out with annoyance as the manticore licked her horn happily, a bit of its slobber dripping down onto her muzzle. “This is all your fault, Lyra. I could make a list about all the ways that this is your fault.”

“Sounds like somepony’s mad that my mayo idea worked,” the mare shot back. “It might not have been in the way we expected, but still.”

“Ah, yes, you have found the way,” a familiar voice started before Twilight could argue. “To stop a manticore, use mayonnaise.”

“Zecora!” the group called excitedly all at once, Twilight herself taking the lead, saying, “Thank Celestia you’re here! What are you doing out here?”

“I was cooking a brew before something quite weird; a powerful magic burst had appeared.”

“A magic burst? That means the human is nearby! Did you see it? What did it do? Do you think it’s going to destroy the forest? Is it nearby? We have to find it soon because it’s very dangerous!” Twilight got the sentences out all in one breath, her whoopie cushion hooves farting as she almost pranced in place. It wasn’t until she stopped to breathe that Zecora answered her.

“I assure you, I’ve been quite keen, but no new creatures I have seen,” the zebra told her. “The forest of late has been quite still. The burst must have come from Ponyville.”

“Ponyville. That… makes sense, since the human was just- would you cut that out?” the alicorn demanded angrily, jerking her head away from the still licking manticore, making it whine like a puppy.

“Ah, I see a manticore you have brought. It’s quite a creature to have caught.”

“Well, we didn’t exactly catch it,” Lyra explained. “It kind of charged at us and Twilight shot mayonnaise all over it. Like, it got everywhere, so the manticore licked it up. It was just a white, slimy mess all over the forest and it's fur because of her.”

“Hehe, the manticore licked up her mayonnaise,” Rainbow Dashed chuckled, Applejack smiling and Pinkie Pie snickering along at the joke as Twilight and Lyra gave them an oblivious and confused look.

“I see, and for that, I must give praise. Everypony knows manticores like mayonnaise.”

“It also makes unicorn magic stronger,” the cyan pony added, standing unsteadily as she tried to balance on her new appendages. “Guess we’re lucky it wasn’t miracle whip.”

“Miracle whip is not the way, although I must ask what this creature is you say?”

“A human. It’s a creature with long lanky legs and long arms, and hands like a centaur, and very tall. Oh, and it’s afraid of chickens and is resistant to magic, so…”

“Such a creature I’ve heard of I believe. Come back to my cottage and we shall see. As well, I cannot let you all stew. A cure for poison joke I will brew.”

“Yes! That sounds perfect! Real knowledge about the human sounds wonderful! If we had that, we might not have run into poison joke.”

"It was your fault that happened though," Lyra mumbled, rolling her eyes.

“Okay, but before we go,” Rainbow Dash asked as her head bobbled wildly, “what are we going to do about that?”

She pointed to the manticore who was sitting on its haunches, pawing at the ground as its stomach rumbled loudly. As it did, it looked up at the group and made the saddest puppy dog eyes it could muster, looking almost adorable as it did so.

“Ugh, does anypony have any more mayonnaise?”

Author's Note

Fun fact! If you support me on patreon, you can get early access to new (unedited) chapters of The Human Incident and Beyond Me, if you're interested in that kind of thing.

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Strange Times

“Why isn’t this working?” Twilight asked, frustrated as she furiously scrubbed the mixture of water and herbs on her whoopie cushion hooves, trying to change them back to normal. “This should’ve cured us by now! It didn’t take this long the last time we ran into poison joke. What’s going on?”

“Perhaps I should run a bath, for a tougher strain you might have,” Zecora replied.

“A tougher strain? We didn’t run into any different type of poison joke, did we? Oh, what are we going to do? We can't stay like this!”

“Hmmmm… let me see what I can do. Perhaps I should make a stronger brew.”

“How long is it going to take? We have to find that human soon! Who knows what it’s doing? This is all its fault! It probably wanted this to happen.”

“On the bright side,” Pinkie jumped in, “at least I can be a balloon longer! Plus, if we wouldn’t have gone into the Everfree, we wouldn’t have made a new friend! Isn’t that right, Snowy Bumblebees?” Snowy nodded his head excitedly in response, getting drool on the floor of the zebra’s cottage.

“She is right, Twilight, it’s not all bad, considering there is much information to be had. About the human that you know, I have many things I wish to show.”

“Yes! That sounds perfect! An actual source on humans and what they’re capable of.” As she said it, she glared at Lyra, who only frowned back at her, thinking to herself about how she was being told off just a few hours ago about how they didn't exist. “What can you tell us? Do you know where it’s going?”

“The place it’s at, I cannot say where, but do not fret! I’ve more to share. The creature you’ve summoned here today, it can grant wishes, that I say.”

“What? It can grant wishes?” Twilight asked with obvious concern. “Are you sure about that? Because if that’s true, then that’s… that’s dangerous! We have to find it right now!”

“This I was told, but I am not sure. Humans are but legends in zebra lore.”

“I think I heard about that!” Lyra said. “I read about that in zebra mythology. If I remember correctly, they grant one wish per creature. I wrote that in my book.”

“Yes, yes, that is true, but wishing on a human you should not do.”

“Why not?”

“You may wish for something to be, but all is never what it seems. Instead of glee, you will shriek, for only havoc the human will wreak.”

“If I remember correctly, humans are like genies. You’ll wish for something, and you’ll get what you wanted but not in the way you expected. Basically, it’s gonna trick you if you make a wish.”

“I… I think I remember reading about that in your book, Lyra! You wrote that in and now this human is just out there…. somewhere… and if somepony reads your book and sees it, they could end up getting hurt! Not to mention its kind eats ponies! We have-”

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Twilight Sparkle and her friends,” somepony, Discord, suddenly said, interrupting the conversation as he appeared out of thin air. He stood before them holding a cup of tea on a small plate, taking a sip before continuing, “You know, I would think you’d be on top of this whole ‘human incident’ you have going on. Seems awfully irresponsible of somepony of your status to just lose track of it like that. Frankly, I’m disappointed. What would Princess Celestia think?”

“Discord! You know about the human?” Twilight asked.

“Of course I know about the human, Twilight,” Discord told her matter-of-factly. “Something as chaotic as that being has no chance of slipping past me. Although I must admit, Archard is rather impressive, but don’t tell him I said that. He makes me jealous.”

“Wait, you know who he is? How did you find that out? Did you see him? Where is he? Is he-”

“I’m not sure I should be divulging that information to you, Twilight. After all, you are a princess. This is something you should be able to take care of, especially since it’s your fault he’s here. He and Spike ruined an almost perfect tea party I was having with Fluttershy because of you, and you know how I like my tea time.”

“Wait a minute, that thing’s with Fluttershy?” Rainbow Dash asked. “What’s it doing with her?”

“Ah don’t know, but Ah guess if anypony can handle it, it’s Flutters, that’s fer sure.”

“We need to get to her right now! If she’s alone with it, it could-”

“She’s not with it anymore,” the draconequus said simply, loudly flipping open the newspaper he summoned to read.

“What?”

“She’s not with it anymore, Twilight. I believe it’s your hooves that are whoopie cushions, not your ears. It scampered off someplace else after I let it have a tour of Chaosville. That should have taught it for declining an invitation to hang out with me of all creatures. Bah humbug.”

“Where did it go? Is it wandering around Ponyville? You have to tell us!”

“Don’t get your mane all twisted into a knot Twilight, my dear. It’s not like it’s dangerous or something. Although I will admit it was rather annoying to hear it talk about how I was going to learn the ‘true meaning of friendship’ soon. As if I don’t already know. Who does he think he is? Plus, he tried to steal me away from my dear, sweet Fluttershy! The nerve of some creatures, I tell you!”

“But where is it, Discord? You have to tell us!”

“Well, actually, for your information, I don’t have to do anything. As I said before, this is all your fault, and as the pony at fault, it should be up to you to handle it. Celestia and Luna may have no problem delegating their work to other creatures, but I’ll be beside myself before I see it from you, Twilight. It’s for your own good really that I don’t tell you where he’s at, trust me.”

“Discord!”

“Hey, are ya really gonna act like that now? What do ya think Flutters would think?” Applejack asked.

“You ponies are always holding her against me like that. I swear, you’re no better than that human. You're just doing what he was trying to do. But since you’ve threatened me, I will admit to you that it is in Ponyville.”

“Where at, specifically?”

“I can’t say, seeing as I haven’t made it my job to play private investigator. Do I look like a character out of one of those repulsive detective books Rarity seems fond of? No.”

“Well, in Ponyville should be a good enough starting point… I wish we hadn’t have come all the way out here though,” Lyra complained. “I still say this is your fault.”

“Oh no, you can’t put this on me. This is its fault. It was the one that said it was going into the Everfree forest, not me. Plus, you said it liked being around trees, so-”

“Okay, can y’all stop arguin’ ‘bout who’s fault this is? It’s hard enough tryin’ ta find this thing without you two bickerin’ all the time.”

“I gotta say, AJ’s right. It is getting kind of annoying listening to.”

“Plus, you’re gonna make Snowy upset!”

"Baaaawk!" bawked the chicken who was still with them, strutting around the cottage.

“Ugh, fine,” Twilight rolled her eyes, mumbling, “Even though it is her fault.”

“It’s not a surprise it lied about where it will roam. Tricksters in Zebra folklore humans are known.”

“Okay, so then that proves that it definitely did this on purpose. It’s a trickster, plus it’s probably psychic, so it knew this was going to happen when it lied and said it was coming here. It knew poison joke was going to affect us.”

“Oh, I’d say it suits you lot, honestly,” Discord chimed in. “Especially you, Twilight. Maybe with whoopie cushions for hooves you’ll stop being so stuck up and taking everything so seriously. It would be good for you. You’ll have a grey mane by the time you turn twenty-five at this rate.”

“I’m not stuck up! And change us back! We have to find this thing, and we can’t do it like this!”

“Hmmmm I don’t think I want to. At least not without a picture0 of this. This is a moment I hope to cherish for a long time. Now say cheese!” Suddenly, he had a camera in claw and was snapping a photo, the bright flash lighting up the room much to the annoyance of the ponies in it.

“Awww, look! You’re all just so cute!” Discord continued with a wide smile plastered on his face as the photo printed out. “This one’s definitely going on the wall. It’s just too good. Your angry expressions make it that much better. Well, angry expressions from some of you anyway.”

“I’m not angry! I’m glad!” Pinkie Pie told him. “I wanna cherish this moment forever! After all, it’s not every day I can say I was a balloon, not even on my birthday or the Summer Sun Celebration or Hearth's Warming or Nightmare Night! This is amazing and the best, most amazingly fun thing ever! You don’t even know how much I’ve always wanted to be a balloon, and now I am one! All my dreams have come true!”

“I can see that, based on you and Lyra’s smiling in the photo. Which actually gives me a much better idea than fixing all of you. I’m only going to fix you and Lyra. After all, the zebra of your group apparently has a cure for Twilight and company, so why should I get myself involved in that? She needs to learn from her mistakes and face the consequences of her actions.” Before she could protest, he snapped his fingers, changing back the pink and mint colored pony exclusively, much to their dismay.

“And now all is right in Equestria once again. For now though, as much as I know that I’ve graced you with my presence, I must be off. The Foal Free Press should have a field day with these photos once they’re developed. Tata.”

With that, the draconequus a little wave and vanished, leaving Twilight mumbling to herself angrily in the bath Zecora had made for them as she, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash did their best to wash away the poison joke’s effects.

“Awwww…. I liked being a balloon…” Pinkie Pie whispered sadly, the manticore licking her cheek when it saw how disappointed she was.

“Yeah… And even though they were waaaay too big for me, having hands was nice…”

“Ugh, of course he only changes you two back, because you two actually like being affected by poison joke. Sweet Celestia, this day is turning out horribly.”

“Ah think our mixture is startin’ ta work, Twi,” Applejack broke in hopefully. Sure enough, she turned to see that the mare was starting to change back, the sand breaking away and revealing normal pony fur underneath it. As well, Rainbow Dash’s head looked like it was getting smaller again and changing back to its normal more fleshy look rather than hard plastic. Twilight’s hooves, however, seemed as though they weren’t changing in the slightest, remaining the awful flatulence-sounding devices the poison joke had turned them into.

“Why isn’t this working?” the alicorn demanded as she practically started rubbing the fur off of her coat, desperately trying to get Zecora’s cure to work its magic. “This should be working! What’s going on?”

“Although my brew has cured the rest, it seems for you more time in the bath would be best. However, it would be unwise to sit and stare, for you might not have time to spare.”

“What do you mean? What could happen?”

“This might be something already mentioned, but humans are known for their destructive penchant. Capturing it is not something to forego, for it has the potential to bring great woe.”

“Ugh, we know that already! But how am I supposed to do anything with my hooves like this?” She held up a limb for show, the floppy plastic whoopie cushion jiggling a bit on display. “I can’t do anything like this!”

“Ah think yer gonna have ta figure somethin’ out Twi, cause from what Ah’ve heard from you, Lyra, and now Zecora, we can’t be lettin’ this thing run around causin’ trouble.”

“Uuuggggghhhhh… Of course, this brew isn’t working yet and we have to go out to capture it. I am so gonna give that thing a piece of my mind when we find it.”

“That… that’s not the thing from that new book, is it?” somepony asked as they watched the strange creature walk by, looking dazed as it did so. “That can’t be it, can it?”

“I… I don’t know,” somepony else responded as they watched along with them, sitting on a park bench in Ponyville. “This has to be a trick by that crazy pony. What’s her name again? Lyra something?”

“It’s all she ever talks about…” the first one added, trailing off as the creature spotted them and changed its direction, heading towards them. “But umm… okay, this is a little creepy…”

“Should we, uh… get Princess Twilight?”

“I- I don’t know… is it wearing a Starswirl the Bearded outfit?”

“Hey, do you mind if I sit with you?” the creature, wearing his slightly inappropriate for the season outfit, asked, sounding tired and dazed. He didn’t even wait for an answer as he simply sat down in between them, leaning his head back against the bench and staring at the clouds.

“Thank you random background ponies that I don’t know the names to. You’re very kind… Celestia, that ice cream. Ice cream shouldn’t have such sharp teeth and scream so loudly, especially not mint ice cream.”

“Uh, yeah…” the first pony trailed off, both of them scooting farther away from him, slightly afraid. “We’re just gonna be heading off now though, so-”

“Can I have a hug?” Archard asked suddenly, catching both ponies off guard.

“Wh-what?”

“A hug,” he said flatly, sounding just a bit depressed. “I need one after that experience. That… man, I don’t think anyone should go through that. Those peaches just wouldn’t stop singing. They wouldn’t stop. I think I might have PTSD.”

“Um-”

“So I need a hug, and you ponies are all soft and cuddly. Do you think I could have one?”

“You know,” the second pony started, “we, um, we want to but uh…”

“We have a… prior engagement! One with uh…”

“Mayor Mare!”

“We’re going to Mayor Mare’s engagement, where, uh…”

“Where we’re going to hear about her fight against…”

“...parasprite...”

“Awareness!”

“Her fight against parasprite awareness. At her engagement. So uh, yeah…”

“We gotta go. Bye.”

With that, the two quickly scampered off, faster than Archard expected, so fast that had he blinked he would have missed it. In a moment, there was nothing but a small cloud of dust to prove the two were even there to begin with.

“That was incredibly strange.”

“What was strange, mister?” somepony asked, Archard recognizing the voice immediately and turning his head to see a yellow coated filly, along with her two friends, a white unicorn and orange pegasus.

“The fact that Mayor Mare is getting engaged and how she’s apparently speaking out about her fight against parasprite awareness.”

“Huh. That is strange. Ah ain’t heard nothin’ about that from my sister, Applejack.”

“Plus, aren’t parasprites bad?” Scootaloo asked. “I think I remember Rainbow Dash telling me about them before.”

“That makes it even stranger. These are strange times we’re living in girls.”

With that, the group became quiet, Archard simply staring ahead at the scenery, letting his hat block his eyes from the sun as the group of fillies stared at him curiously, no strangers to the strangeness that seemed to surround and invade Ponyville at all times. It was a long moment that passed quietly before the silence was broken again.

“I have a question,” Sweetie Belle asked in a high pitched voice.

“What’s that?” Archard asked back, still staring ahead at nothing in particular.

“What in Equestria are you? I’ve never seen anything as weird as you before. Are you that thing that Lyra Heartstrings is always talking about?”

The human put a hand on his chin and thought on that question for a moment before responding, “You three are absolutely adorable. Can I pet you?”

Author's Note

JSYK, next chapter should be August 22nd because there are five Sundays in August

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Be Careful What You Wish For

“Mmmm what are those things called, mister?” Sweetie Belle asked as her neck was scratched before Apple Bloom pushed her away to take some scratching for herself.

“Metacarpals and phalanges, young unicorn,” Archard responded as he used both hands to pet the two fillies at the same time. “More popularly known as hands where I come from. Good for many things, from picking up sticks on the jungle floor fifty thousand years ago to playing video games like Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door with ease, among other things, including petting cute cats and dogs. Or ponies in this case.”

“Video games? That’s what Sweetie’s colt friend, Button Mash, does all the time.”

“Hey! He’s not my boyfriend!”

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Scootaloo said, rolling her eyes and crossing her hooves as she tried not to blush. “It didn’t feel that good. I don’t know why you guys like it so much.”

“Okay, little miss “I'm-embarrassed-because-I-was-purring”. I guess that means more for Sweetie Belle and Applebloom. Although I’m pretty sure Rainbow Dash would purr too. These hands were made for petting, and pet is just what they’ll do.”

“Whatever… how do you know what our names are anyway?” she asked accusingly. “What’s a weird creature like you doing in Ponyville? Twilight would have a freakout if she saw you.”

“I bet she would, since she’s probably looking for me,” he admitted, not letting up on the other two crusaders, petting under their chins and scratching behind their ears. "But it’s her fault for trying to do some Hostel shit- stuff! Little fillies like you don’t say that word- on me. She wanted to take my blood and tie me up and dissect me.”

“Um, what does dissect somepony mean?”

“It’s when they cut you open and take out all your organs and put them in jars and stuff.”

“Yeah, right. It doesn’t mean that. You’re just trying to scare us,” Scootaloo protested. “Besides, she would never do something like that to somepony, even if they looked as strange and as gross as you.”

“You know, words do hurt…” Archard replied simply. “Although I guess she probably wouldn’t. I might have overreacted a tiny little bit. But still, she started it, and I wouldn’t put it past her.”

“What are y’all doin’ in Ponyville anyhow?” Apple Bloom asked again as she and Sweetie Belle finally moved away from him, curious about his origins. “Where does some creature as weird as you come from?”

“From a land far away, one with overpriced houses, semi-decent restaurants, and horrible, awful managers named Reggie who tell me I do, in fact, have to go into work on time. Bleh.”

“Hmmmm, that sounds like that one place my sister, Rarity, is always talking about, Canterlot. Is that where you’re from? Ponies there do look pretty weird...”

“Nope, but now that you mention it, I definitely want to visit there. Hmmm… I wonder if Blueblood acts more like he did during the Grand Galloping Gala or like in the stories I read about him… But anyway, I’m here to see the sights and meet the ponies and try the food.”

“Oh! You can meet lots of ponies at Sugarcube Corner. Scootaloo, Apple Bloom and I were just about to go over there for ice cream! Wanna come?”

“No way! That thing can’t come with us! It said Twilight is looking for it, and Rainbow Dash is probably with her! I’m not gonna help some creature that’s trying to run away from her.”

“I mean, I don’t know who’s all with her, but I don’t think I want to go there right now anyway,” Archard added. “They probably have ice cream there, and I don’t think I’m ready to deal with that after what happened in Chaosville… god, that mint ice cream…”

“Aww, they have more than that, mister strange creature. Chocolate, rocky road, vanilla, cookie dough…”

“They even have apple flavored ice cream!” Apple Bloom said proudly. “Made with Apple family apples!”

“Hmmmm… well, as long as there’s no mint ice cream involved…” he trailed off, giving in. “Although I don’t really have any money, and I assume ponies don’t take MasterCard or American Express here.”

“It’s alright, the first time you visit, it’s free. The Cakes are nice ponies, trust me!”

“Plus, we can go crusading afterward, and you can come with us!”

The human made a face at that idea, asking, “Don’t you guys always somehow end up covered in tree sap at the end of it? Like, every single time?”

“No!” Sweetie Belle squeaked defensively. “Not every time! Well… sometimes, but always!”

“Besides, we can’t just let some random ugly monster join our club!” Scootaloo argued. “I mean, look at him! How is something like that supposed to get a cutie mark?”

“Once again, words do indeed hurt.”

“Well, who’s ta say only ponies can get cutie marks?” Apple Bloom asked. “Plus, maybe he can help us! Give some ideas or somethin’. Right, mister?”

“Ah, well, I know what cutie marks you guys are supposed to get,” Archard started, “but your real special calling is probably being tree sap collectors. I mean, after all, who would want a boring old cutie mark about helping other ponies? A tree sap cutie mark is probably much cooler.”

“That’s whatcha think our special talents are?” the yellow filly asked. “Helpin’ ponies?”

“Absolutely. Without a doubt. I know it.”

“Oh. Huh.”

“Are you sure this is the book?” the two ponies who’d seen Arcahrd, Sparky Showers and Mercure, discussed with each other. “This thing on the cover doesn’t look like it at all.”

“It says it was published by Lyra Heartstrings,” Mercure explained. “And, I mean, it looks a little bit like it. This has to be it.”

“This thing looks so… ugh.” Sparky replied. “I mean, I’m not a publisher, and far from it at that, but I can’t imagine somepony willingly buying this. It’s so… disorganized!”

“I hear you, Sparky, but that thing has to be what Lyra’s been ranting on about, and she did write this book, so-”

“Hey ladies! Do ya need some help?” a yellow blur suddenly asked.

“Finding something in the store? Learning how to read?”

“Need help picking out a new scooter or a bike to ride?”

“We can help ya with whatever ya need!”

“Uhhhh… shouldn’t you fillies be trying to get your cutie marks?” Mercure asked, she and Sparky knowing all about what those three got up to on a seemingly daily basis, knowing their reputation for somehow covering themselves in tree sap doing even the most mundane of tasks and wanting nothing to do with it. “You are the cutie mark crusaders after all, so…”

“We know! We’re gonna get our cutie marks in helping other ponies like that strange creature said!”

“I mean, I don’t believe that thing,” Scootaloo asserted, “but I have to admit, it’s a good idea, and we haven’t tried it.”

"This will be the time when we get them! I just know it!" Sweetie Belle proclaimed squeakily.

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS PONY HELPERS! YAY!” the three fillies cheered loudly. With the exclamation, the three hurried through the store looking for other ponies to offer their services to, Mercure giving the girls a nervous smile as they ran off.

“I’m really not looking to get drenched in tree sap a second time, Sparky,” Mercure explained. “The first time was enough. I don’t even understand how that happens simply washing dishes in my restaurant… Sparky?”

“Oh, sorry, I was just skimming through this,” the mare responded. “It’s almost unbearable to try to read through… but apparently humans can grant wishes? And it says here they have long limbs and pointed faces… but it also says they’re very dangerous.”

“That… thing, it didn’t seem dangerous. Just… creepy and weird… But, ah, I would like my wish granted…”

“I mean, it might not hurt to go take another look at that thing. Like you said, it didn’t seem dangerous… I mean, if it was, Twilight- err, Princess Twilight and her friends would be going after it, right?” At that comment, the two of them turned to look at it, Archard standing a dozen yards or so away from them, casually walking around the store as if debating whether or not to pick something out to buy. He looked up at them to give the two a wide, toothy smile and a quick wave before bending back over to pick up and scan a particularly interesting looking quill.

“It looks kind of dopey, honestly,” Sparky continued. “Not like a monster at all… maybe we were hasty running from it. I’m gonna talk to it.” With that, she and Mercure gingerly made their way up to the creature, who looked back up at them once they drew near.

“You know, I knew you were lying when you said you were going to see Mayor Mare speak at her engagement about her fight against parasprite awareness. I just went along with that because I thought it was funny to see you stutter. But that begs the question as to what you guys are doing here now when you were scared of me before. Is it my cool Star Swirl the Bearded costume?”

“Uhh, no. We, um… well, I don’t know if this is a rude thing to ask,” Sparky started, “but we wanted to know if you grant wishes…?”

“Only in the hearts and minds of the patients who eat in the hospital cafeteria I work at,” he answered, “although I like to believe my mere presence is a wish come true for some people. Certainly not “overbearing” like Reggie seems to think. I’m just courteous is all.”

“...what?” was all the two mares were able to say, not sure what he was talking about at all.

“The answer is probably not, but maybe, depending on how you look at it.”

“Oh. Huh. Well, can I wish for something?”

Arcahrd shrugged, noncommittal, responding, “I don’t see why not. Go ahead. I guess I’ll try as best I can to grant it.”

“Ahh, well…” she blushed a little bit before saying, “I… wish that more stallions would notice me. I mean, if that’s possible…”

“Oh, well that’s easy!” Archard replied before clearing his throat. Then, at the top of his lungs, yelled, “Attention everybody! Can I have your attention please?” He waited a few seconds for everypony to look his way, Sparky already feeling like she was dying of embarrassment before he continued, “This mare has a large flank!” With that comment, her ears flattened in anger and embarrassment, and she sent a scowl his way.

“That isn’t what I wanted and you know it,” she complained as Mercure hugged her, laughing to herself.

“I mean, you asked, and I delivered, sooooooo…”

“He’s right, Sparky,” Mercure said, still chuckling a bit. “You honestly brought that on yourself.” She then turned her attention back to him, asking, “But can you really grant wishes? I am curious to see whether what that crazy mint pony says is true.”

“Well, like I said, it depends, but I guess you can wish for something, too? If you want to.”

“Hmmmmm, I wish… to have an excuse to call in from work. Except I want it to be an actual excuse and not you just trying to embarrass me or something by yelling. I want a legitimate excuse.”

“Wooooooow, you think I was just gonna take the opportunity to embarrass you?” he said defensively. “That’s pretty rude of you to assume, even if I was. But anyway, I don’t know how- oh! Hi Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo!”

“Heya, Arching! We’re helpin’ mister Tall Oak try and sell some of these here jars of syrup. Made from real tree sap! Do ya wanna- whoops!”

Suddenly, the filly tripping and crashing into Mercure and Sparky, spilling sticky syrup all over herself and the two mares, the human himself being spared from getting hit by more than a few drops. The two ponies didn’t scream, only looked down at themselves in extreme frustration before looking back up at Archard with a glare in their eyes and a frown on their faces.

“I… don’t take responsibility for that, but, uh... look on the bright side! You can get out of work now, right?”

Author's Note

Human doing human things.

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Ice Cream And Cakey Cake

In a moment, five ponies, a zebra, and a manticore were standing in a park in Ponyville, carefully observing their surroundings on the lookout for the strange creature called a human.

“It seems the creature has not attacked, for Ponyville is still intact,” Zecora announced. “I would say that this is good; now finding it quickly, that we should.”

“I still think we should split up,” Rainbow Dash asserted. “I bet I could catch it in about five seconds flat if we did.”

“I don’t think we should,” Twilight told the group as a whole. “Honestly, our plan of attack should be meeting up with Fluttershy just to make sure it’s not still with her, and then searching throughout Ponyville for it.”

“Awww, but if we did spit up, I could check Sugarcube Corner and find some tasty treats for Snowy Bumblebees to eat while we found it. Hey! This could be like a game of hide and seek, and everypony knows I’m the hide and seek champion!”

“Yeah right, I bet a hundred bits I could catch it faster than you could, Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash replied confidently, a cocky smile forming.

“I don’t know, I doubt you know Ponyville as well as I do! I know all of the best hiding places! I’d totally beat you to it!”

“Oh yeah? You’re on!”

“Wait, you two better not-” Before Twilight could finish her sentence, the two mares were already gone, Rainbow Dash flying quickly away with a hoof on her forehead as she scanned the area, Pinkie Pie hopping like a rabbit, Snowy following her eagerly.

“Of course they just run off,” Twilight commented as she rolled her eyes before turning to the other two ponies with her. “Us three have to stick together. That way we can corner it when we find it. It’s the best plan.”

“Didn’t Discord say that thing was with Flutters?” AJ asked. “Ah’d say it’s best if we start there.”

“I agree with that,” Lyra added. “Didn’t you say something about her being good with animals? I mean, humans aren’t exactly animals in a traditional sense, but if she’s as good as I’ve heard she is, it might still be with her.”

“I guess that’s a good first place to check… I just hope we find it quickly before something bad happens. Who knows what it could be up to…”

“Wow, this place is much bigger than I imagined,” Archard commented as he stepped into the building. “Even bigger on the inside than the outside. I don’t know how they were able to do that.”

“That’s what everypony says about Sugarcube Corner,” Sweetie Belle said as the four of them sat down on the stools in front of the counter. “It’s so big because so many ponies eat here! It’s the best restaurant in Ponyville!”

“Yeah, they have all sorts of deserts here, and some of them are even made with Apple Family apples!” Applebloom announced happily.

“And they serve hay fries and soda here, too!” Scootaloo added, her wings buzzing.

“Haha, it sounds like someponies are trying to earn some free food with their kind words,” Mrs. Cake said jovially as she stood behind the counter to take their order. “What can I get for you three very sticky-looking Cutie Mark Crusaders and… ummm…”

Mrs. Cake was suddenly looking up at a very tall creature, taller than she was, almost as tall as the alicorn princess of Equestria if she gathered correctly. It had long lanky limbs and quite a round head sitting on its neck. Honestly, had it not been for its dopey looking smile as it gazed around the restaurant, she would have thought it was terrifying. Even still, it was very creepy to her.

“Uh, and um…” The mare swallowed nervously and asked, “And what might you be…?”

“Oh! That’s just Arching!” Apple Bloom explained. "He’s a strange creature that Princess Twilight’s lookin’ fer. Er, at least that’s what he told us, right mister?”

“Well, my name is Archard, and I said she’s probably looking for me, but that’s basically the truth. But I was told this is the greatest restaurant in all of Equestria, so naturally I couldn’t decline an invitation here. Plus, I was told first time customers eat for free, sooo… how can I pass up free food?”

“Well, um… I, uh, what- what does a creature like you even eat?”

“I eat lots of things, except mint ice cream. Not even mint chocolate chip, not after that experience. God, that mint ice cream…” He looked off in the distance with a thousand yard stare and shuddered before turning back to Mrs. Cake and asking, “But what do you guys have?”

“Well, why, uh, why don’t we get you started with some hay fries?” the mare suggested, half confused and half nervous about the lumbering creature. “And I already know you girls want ice cream,” she told the crusaders, “but what kind this time? It’ll be on the house for saying such nice things about Sugarcube Corner.”

“I want vanilla, please!” Sweetie Belle said automatically, the flavor she always got.

“Ah want… apple flavor!” Apple Bloom announced.

“And I’ll take lime!” Scootaloo got out eagerly as Archard made a face and stuck his tongue out. “What, you don’t like lime ice cream?” the pegasus filly asked.

“Not that,” he explained. “I’m just suddenly thinking about how gross apple flavored ice cream probably is. Like, it’s probably something that shouldn’t be turned into ice cream.”

“Blasphemy!” Apple Bloom suddenly yelled, causing both Archard and the ponies around her to jump in surprise by the suddenness of her declaration. She had the eyes of Mrs. Cake, her friends, and the human on her as she pointed an accusing hoof at him, glaring threateningly his way.

“You can’t disrespect apples like that!” she told him with authority. “That’s disrepectin’ the great Apple Family name! Apple Family apples are the greatest food!”

“Uh… aggressive…” Archard commented, just a little bit fearful. “I only said apple ice cream sounds gross. I’m sure the apples themselves are good, but apples don’t belong in ice cream. It creepy and unnatural. Maybe even somewhat evil. It sounds disgusting.”

“It honestly does,” Scootaloo told him. “That's why I’ve never tried it.”

“Hey! No it doesn’t!”

“I mean… it kind of is, AB,” Sweetie Belle agreed. “I just want to be truthful to you. I’ve tried it, and it’s not that good…”

“See? It’s probably super disgusting and tastes worse than moldy lemons covered in dirt. It might even be worse than Arby’s.”

“No! Yer probably mind controlling them to hate apple ice cream, aren’t ya!” Apple Bloom accused. “Yer a strange creature and usin’ yer mind powers on them, aren’t you!”

“I’m pretty sure I’m not being mind controlled, AB,” Scootaloo told her. “Have you ever even tried it?”

“Well, no, but it’s probably very good! Anything with Apple Family apples is gonna be great! That’s a fact!”

“I doubt Arby’s would be,” the human said as he was served his food. “That restaurant is gross. But you try it if you think it’ll be good. For now I’m just gonna…” He looked down at his paper tray to see what Mrs. Cake and Scootaloo called hay fries, which turned out to just be a pile of steaming hay. He carefully inspected it, taking a whiff of the food and noticed that not only did it look like hay, it smelled like it too.

“This smells… not appealing.”

“What do you mean?” one of the fillies, Sweetie Belle, asked. “It smells fine to me. Looks good, too.”

“Well then you can have it,” he told her, pushing the tray over to her, “and even though I really don’t want ice cream right now, I guess I’ll take a few bites of yours, if that’s okay… as long as it doesn’t scream at me…”

“Hehe, I don’t think it will,” Sweetie Belle giggled as she pushed a hoof filled with hay fries into her mouth.

“I guess hay fries aren’t your thing,” Mrs. Cake commented as she came back with three bowls of ice cream. “But that’s okay, I know a few other creatures who don’t- whoa!”

Suddenly, the bowls she carried were on the ground in pieces as the human slapped them out of the mare’s hooves, screaming as he did so. He and everypony else in the restaurant stared at it for a long moment, wondering what in Equestria was going on as he breathed heavily, body tense in anticipation of an attack. After a few moments, seeing that none came, he breathed a sigh of relief, seemingly oblivious to the fact that just about everypony in the restaurant was looking his way.

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Cake,” he apologized. “It’s just I saw you had mint ice cream there, and… I just realized that was the lime ice cream Scootaloo ordered. Uh, oops.”

“Yeah, could you maybe not do that, please?” the pegasus asked, slightly annoyed.

“I’m sorry, but if I see mint ice cream again, I’ll be obligated to. It told me it was gonna take over Equestria and try to kill everypony. I can’t just let that happen, can I? Plus, it had teeth and wouldn’t stop screaming. It didn’t stop. It was awful. I don’t want to relive that experience.”

“Uh, yeah… let me run back and get you girls more ice cream. I hope strawberry is okay instead, Scootaloo.”

“I guess it is, as long as he doesn’t slap it out of your hooves again.”

“I’m sure he’ll be better behaved, because if he does, he won’t be welcome in Sugarcube Corner anymore, even if ice cream did say it was trying to take over Equestria.”

“I mean, it did,” Archard said as the mare left, half to himself. “I’m scarred for life by that horrible, horrible mint ice cream.”

“What do you mean you don’t know where he is, Fluttershy?” Twilight asked, exasperated.

“I meant what I said, Twilight,” she responded. “I don’t know where he’s at. He just left after Discord did his usual Discord routine.”

“But you’re supposed to be good with animals! How were you not able to keep it here?”

“Well, Archard isn’t an animal,” she told her friend sternly, “and more importantly, the way you treated him is frankly rude and inappropriate.”

“The way I treated him?” Twilight asked in disbelief. “He led me on a wild goose chase through the Everfree Forest after he ran away! We ran into a manticore in there because of him!”

“Well, maybe he wouldn’t have run away if you didn’t tie him to a table and try to experiment on him, would he?” Fluttershy said, crossing her front legs. “You should know better than that, Twilight.”

“I wasn’t going to experiment on him! I was just gonna run a few tests and take some samples! I wasn’t going to dissect him or something!”

“Well, even still. Every creature deserves respect, even if they’re strange looking like him.”

“I’ll respect him when he- what are we doing? We’re supposed to be looking for him! He could destroy Ponyville if we don’t find him!”

“Well, I hardly think such a nice creature like him would do that. In fact, we had a lovely cup of tea just a little while ago. But I’ll help you find him, seeing as he had such nice, soft hands while he pet me. I hope Discord isn’t up to his tricks with that poor creature again. I’ll have to have a word with him if he is.”

"Wait, that strange creature really granted your wishes?" somepony asked. "You wished to be covered in syrup?"

"Well, we didn't wish for that exactly," Sparky Showers explained as she and Mercure still stood dripping with the sticky liquid as they made their way through Ponyville on their way back home to shower. "But it did answer our wishes in a way... kinda hated it though..."

"Hmmm... I think I'll have to take a look at it myself when I get the chance..." the pony said thoughtfully, a grin forming as he imagined what he was gonna wish for. "I have to tell my friends about this."

Author's Note

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The Secret To Happiness

The human picked up a small spoonful of apple-flavored ice cream tentatively, carefully observing it from different angles as though expecting it to jump out at him.

“Go on then,” Apple Bloom told him, smiling widely. “Try it! It’ll taste good!”

“Humph, says the pony telling me that they won’t try it until after I do. Are you sure this thing won’t jump out and try to kill me for eating it?”

“Ah don’t see why it would, unless Dis- err, somepony else were here,” the filly answered, being careful to not say his name, lest he show up because of it. “Besides, Mrs. Cake’s ice cream is the best in Ponyville! So combined with the best apples in Equestria, it’ll taste amazing!”

“Well… I guess it’s not mint, so I’ll trust you. But if it jumps out at me and tries to kill me, I’ll blame you.” With that, he looked around as though checking to make sure it was okay for him to take a bite before slowly placing the spoon in his mouth. He immediately made a face when the cold treat hit his tongue and almost spat it out until he remembered that both he and Apple Bloom were sharing the bowl.

“That…” he started as he swallowed, Apple Bloom looking at him hopefully. “That tastes… super duper ultra gross. It’s disgusting.”

“Nuh-uh! No way!” the filly protested. “Give that here!” she demanded, stealing the bowl from him and taking a bite for herself. A second passed before she made a face, too, having to avoid spitting it back into the bowl.

“See? It’s nasty, just like I said it would be. Told you.”

“No! It’s just… it’s…”

“It’s super duper gross,” Archard finished for her. “I told you it would be.”

“It’s not gross… it’s just…” She looked around at her friends who were looking back at her with their eyebrows up, waiting to see what she would say before she finally admitted, “Fine, it’s gross. But Ah’ll bet it’d taste worse with any other apple.”

“Bah wha?” Pinkie Pie suddenly said, appearing in the bakery out of nowhere. “Gross ice cream? I don’t believe it! Your taste buds must have been swapped with a dragon’s or an Ursa Major’s or some other strange creature, like that thing!” As she said it, she pointed a hoof in Archard’s direction as Snowy nodded along happily.

“How many times do I have to say it?” Archard asked aloud to nopony in particular. “Words hurt! I don’t want to be called a thing! If anything, I’m a monstrosity! Not a thing. That’s just rude, honestly.”

“Ummmmm… Pinkie Pie?” Scootaloo asked as the whole restaurant was turned nervously towards the manticore she had on a leash behind her. “Wh… whatcha got there?”

“Oh, this?” she asked, suddenly pulling something from behind her back. “A smoothie. It’s goooooood! Isn’t that right, Snowy?” As she said it, she let the manticore have a taste of her drink. “And also: how can you hate ice cream? All ice cream is amazing, especially mint chocolate chip! That one’s the best! Although vanilla and hot sauce is a close second!”

Archard shuddered at that and shook the memory of Chaosville from his head, replying, “Mint ice cream is the worst. It screams too loudly, and has such sharp teeth. It devoured that elephant like it was nothing…” At that, the pink mare gasped loudly.

“You must be that creature Twilight was searching for and said would destroy the town and Zecora said could grant wishes, cause only a super strange creature like you would hate mint ice cream! I found it, I found it, I found it! Take that, Rainbow Dash! I win!” She hopped around the restaurant happily as she cheered for her victory before Rainbow Dash suddenly flew in and crashed into her.

“Ouch… hey! There it is! I found it! Haha!”

“I’m a he, not a- whoa!” Archard tried to tell her before it was his turn to be knocked down as she wrapped her powerful wings around him. “What are you doing?”

“I got you!” she shouted happily. “See that, Pinkie? I told you I would catch it before you did!”

“No, that’s not fair, Rainbow! I found him first! You just followed me, didn’t you?”

“I did,” she admitted, “but we weren’t seeing who could find it first, it was who could catch it first, so that means- oh! Oh… that feels nice…”

“See, Scootaloo?” The human said as he pet the blue pegasus’s wings. “I told you even Rainbow would like it. I said it before, I’ll say it again. These hands were made for petting, and pet’s just what they’ll do. One of these days these hands are gonna walk all over you... err, something like that.”

“Oh, that- oh my gosh! Right there… that’s the perfect spot…”

“Awww, Rainbow you look so cute getting petted!” Pinkie Pie got out happily. "Adorable, almost as adorable as Snowy! Oh, Mrs. Cake! Do you have any mayonnaise?"

“I… I’m not cute…” she tried to say as her ears were scratched, completely failing to convince her friend. “It’s just… these hands feel so goooood…”

“No, Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo yelled. “Don’t give in to the petting no matter how good it feels! You’re stronger than him! I believe in you!"

“Oooo I wanna feel them! I wanna feel them!” Pinkie told him eagerly, bouncing up and down as she said it. “Snowy does, too! I bet they feel amazing!”

“Well, I don’t know about Snowy, but I do have two hands, so get over here and-”

“Stop right there!” somepony called as they pointed an accusing hoof in Archard’s direction. The entire room save for an annoyed looking Mrs. Cake who was rolling her eyes looked at the stallion curiously as he continued, “I know about you and what you do! You can’t hide from me!”

“Well, the only pony I’m trying to hide from is Twilight,” Archard responded casually as he made sure to keep rubbing Rainbow Dash’s mane, “and not even her really. She was just being mean to me. And I’m sure before long the whole world will know what great pets these hands can give. Would you like some?”

“What? No! I’m here for the wishes! I was told you grant wishes, and I want mine granted.”

“Oh? That? Wow, I didn’t think people would actually care about that, but um…” He considered the idea for a moment before telling the pony, “Fine, but you only get one wish, so you better make it good. Also, I’m not very good at granting wishes, so you’re not allowed to hate me forever when it doesn’t come true.”

“Wait, only one wish?” the stallion asked as he put a hoof under his chin. “I guess I’ll need to make it good then. Ummm….I wish… for true happiness!”

“Oh good! That’s something easy!” the human replied happily as he took his hands off of the blue pegasus, much to her annoyance. “Come here.”

“Ah don’t mean ta get up on ya, Twilight, but we can’t keep- whoa, what happened to you two mares?” Applejack asked as she came upon a very sticky Sparky Showers and Mercure heading home.

“Those three fillies happened,” Sparky said grumpily as she tried to move the mane that was stuck to her forehead with a hoof. “As usual.”

“Heh, that’s my sister fer ya, always gettin’ herself into trouble,” the mare laughed as lightbulb went off in Twilight’s head.

“Did you see where they went?” she asked as she stepped closer. “Were there any creatures with them? We have to know, this is important!”

“It was in the market center today with those three… wonderful fillies and made a complete fool of me. I mean, does my flank look fat to you?”

The four ponies and the zebra looked over Sparky’s flank for a moment before deciding it would be best to stay silent on the issue, Twilight instead saying, “Is it still there? Did you see where it went at all, or hear where it was going? We’re trying to capture it.”

“We don’t know and we don’t really care,” the mare answered. “Although I remember it complaining about how mint ice cream was the devil's food and how it should be destroyed on sight, along with pineapple pizza.”

“The creature is more strange than it would seem, seeing as it doesn’t like mint ice cream.”

“Yes it is, Zecora, but that leads me to believe it went to Sugarcube Corner. It seemed to know this town well, so I bet it’s going there to try and do something, something to destroy the building!”

“Hmmm, there’s nothing in my notes about ice cream,” Lyra said, “but speaking of which, we should probably go back and get that chicken. We left it in the Everfree Forest and it could be useful.”

“You didn’t keep your eyes on it?” Twilight asked angrily.

“You never told me to, and this is all your fault anyway, but I don’t think standing around talking about it is gonna do us any good.”

“Also Twilight, I don’t think it would do us any good to try to scare some creature into submission,” Fluttershy told her. “We should approach it with kindness and talk to it gently. From what I’ve seen from Archard, he’s a very lovely person, and I think you should give him a chance.”

“Fine, I’ll give him a chance when we catch him. For now though… Zecora, since you know the Everfree Forest the best, can you please go bring that chicken back for us? And make sure it’s not hurt?”

“I assure you, it won’t be trouble. I will head off on the double.”

“Good, now the rest of us- I’m pretty sure it’s at Sugarcube Corner, so our best plan of attack is to corner it and then-”

“No, Twilight, we should try talking to it first,” Fluttershy told her. “Like I said, I had a wonderful time drinking tea with him, and I say he deserves to be treated with respect, the same as any other pony. That was the reason he ran away in the first place remember?”

“I just wanted a tiny, tiny little bit of blood!” Twilight defended. “It wouldn’t have even been that much! Just enough to see what kind of DNA he has! Nothing more!”

“Twilight…” the pegasus said sternly, giving her friend a look that told her she didn’t approve of running tests on the human.

“Fine, I won’t run tests on it… but we still have to capture it, and if it looks like it’s gonna hurt somepony or get away, then we can’t just sit around talking to it. Now let’s please stop standing around talking and get to catching it!”

“Okay, but also, I could go for some mint ice cream,” Lyra added. “Mint ice cream sounds really good right now.”

“Or apple flavor,” AJ suggested. “Made with apple family apples! It’s my favorite one there. Ah can’t understand how anypony would say they don’t like it. They’re not right in the head if they don’t.”

“Fine, you can eat ice cream after we catch it, now can we please get going?” Twilight pleaded. She didn’t wait for their answer though as she teleported them to Sugarcube Corner.

Author's Note

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Also, the next chapter is already finished and on my Patreon. You can read ahead for 5 dollars. If you don't want to, that's fine, too! It should be uploaded here October 3rd.

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Appletastic Belly Rubs

“Mmmmmmm… wow, when I wished for true happiness, I was expecting something different,” the stallion told Archard as he purred and closed his eyes, practically laying in his lap. “But this is soooo much better… this is amazing…”

“That’s because these hands were made for petting,” the human responded happily. “You all have nice soft fur and make cute noises when you’re pet, and it’s adorable. In fact, every single creature I’ve seen here is the cutest thing ever, it’s unbelievable. Especially Spike and Fluttershy, and even including Snowy Bumblebees.”

“Here that, Snowy?” Pinkie Pie said happily as she gave the manticore pets of its own. “He thinks you're adorable!”

“Don’t hog him though,” Rainbow Dash said grumpily. “I was here first! Just because you made a wish doesn’t mean I don’t get first dibs on him.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure everypony here is satisfied. Although I didn’t expect to be so popular, I will ensure that, as a certain TV station that will not be named would say, you all get a fair and balanced amount of pets because you’re all very cute and as god damned adorable as possible. Even you two, Rainbow and Scootaloo.”

“We’re not cute!” the two of them protested immediately, speaking at the same time as they blushed and glanced at each other for a moment.

“You might as well accept it because ignoring it and pretending you’re not is only gonna make you cuter.” As he said it, he got behind the stallion he was petting’s ears and worked his hand on his belly, getting him to moan with pleasure.

“Oh, Celestia, this feels nice! This is what true happiness feels like! My wish is coming true!” As he said it, he had his tongue hanging out lazily and his eyes closed while several other ponies watched him, some with playful smiles and others with jealousy.

“I’m not one to say I’m cute, in fact, I’m probably far from it, but I’ll take being called cute if it means your hands rub all over me. It’s absolutely worth it.”

“I’m sure it is,” Archard replied. “Now turn over so I can rub your belly properly.”

“What’s going on in here?” Twilight suddenly yelled, appearing out of nowhere in the middle of the restaurant. She looked around at all the ponies around the human, sending a glare Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie’s way before taking a threatening step towards him.

“I’ve been roaming the Everfree Forest and looking all over Ponyville-” she told him angrily before quickly being cut off by what sounded like a wet fart coming from the mare. She yelled and stomped a hoof because of it, which was followed up with the sound of flatulence again, which caused most of the restaurant save for Archard to giggle.

“Umm… I don’t think I have to ask, but are those whoopie cushions on your hooves?” the human inquired, doing his very best to keep a straight face. “Or uh… do you just have really bad gas? Cause I mean, I might not have Tums for it, but I know a few at-home remedies for-”

“No! I- you- yes, there’s whoopie cushions on my hooves, but that’s your fault!” she yelled as she farted her way closer to him. “You had me on a wild goose chase for the last two hours! Running around Ponyville and heading into the most dangerous part of the Everfree- you know we could’ve been killed right? Is that what you were trying to do? We met a manticore in there!”

“I mean, you were the one who wanted to dissect me…” he mumbled as he rolled his eyes. “Besides, if you’re talking about this manticore, this has to be the most friendly manticore out there. I mean, look at it!” As he said it, both Snowy and Pinkie Pie turned their heads to Twilight and gave her the widest smile they could possibly give.

“That’s cute,” Archard finished. “The only way it would kill you is if you had a heart attack from all that cuteness, which, while a distinct possibility, doesn’t seem very likely to me.”

“That’s not the point!” she argued. “You can’t just come here and then-”

“Twilight?” somepony else, Fluttershy this time, called as she entered the restaurant herself, followed by Lyra and Applejack. “I hope you’re being nice to him. Oh, hello Archard. It’s lovely to see you again.”

“Awwww, you’re so nice! You’re super cute, too! But I don’t want to make Discord jealous… god, that mint ice cream…” he whispered to himself with a shiver before turning back to her. “But get over here! You haven’t gotten pet enough yet! I’m gonna pet you so hard, you won’t have any fur or feathers left. You’re just gonna be a hairless pony by the time I’m finished with you.”

“Oh, well, maybe don’t pet me quite that much, please,” she asked, “but being pet a little while longer shouldn’t hurt I think.”

“No, Fluttershy!” Lyra told her, putting a hoof on her shoulder. “That thing is dangerous. That’s why we were looking for it. You shouldn’t go near it.”

“Humph. Well, from what Archard told me, you and Twilight are the dangerous ones. Trying to experiment on him… honestly, you two should be ashamed of yourselves.”

“Um, actually, that was mostly Twilight,” Lyra said. “I told her not to, because he said he would run away if she tried to.”

“That’s right,” the creature confirmed as he completely flipped the stallion over to rub his stomach. “It was mostly Twilight who was trying to dissect me. Also,” he said, turning his attention to the stallion for a moment, “you have a very soft tummy. You’re fucking adorable. I’m gonna die.”

“It- I- I was only gonna take a little bit! Like, enough for one vial! Nurse Redheart would pull more if you needed to have blood tested! All I wanted was a few drops!”

“You did have me strapped to a table laying down against my will-”

“You didn’t say it was against your will! You willingly laid down and let yourself be tied up!”

“Yeah, well, it’s still not okay to try and take people’s blood when they respectfully decline to have their blood taken. I’m pretty sure that’s something you learn in Nursing 101… err… Experimenting On Me 101 in your case. Didn’t even let me pet Rarity for that long...”

“Applejack, please! Help me out here!”

“Well, Ah can’t say one way or the other if that thing’s dangerous,” the mare started. “It sure is weird looking and kinda ugly-”

“Words hurt! How come nopony seems to think words hurt? They do! I promise!”

“-but Ah don’t think it’s okay ta judge a creature by how it looks. Still though, Twilight is the smartest mare Ah know, and if she’s thinkin’ yer dangerous, then Ah’m inclined to believe her. Plus, Zecora and Lyra said the same things. So Ah think it’s best if ya stay away from him, Flutters. Actually, you, too, Apple Bloom. Ah don’t want ya gettin’ hurt by that thing.”

“Oh, come on!” the human pleaded. “Let me pet her! Is it because I think apple ice cream is the grossest food I’ve ever eaten and would rather eat vomit-covered Arby’s than that again?” He said it with a seriousness that surprised the mare and made her stop and think about the statement to herself in silence. The rest of the room cringed back in equal silence, knowing how she was prone to have an outburst over the mere mention that something apple related could possibly be anything but the best food in all of Equestria.

However, instead of an outburst, Applejack blinked a few times, processing what he said before turning to her friend and speaking in a calm, matter-of-fact tone.

“Welp, Twilight, Ah was wrong,” Applejack told the mare, shaking her head sadly. “It’s a monster through and through. Ah think we need ta put him down. It’s clearly not right in the head, and it’d be cruel to let it suffer and have wrong opinions. It might even be brained damaged. Ah think that's a distinct possibility.”

“Have you tried that shit?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “It’s nasty. No offense, Mrs. Cake, but apple-flavored ice cream was just a complete mistake. I would take it off the menu entirely. No one should have to suffer through even trying it once. It’s awful.”

“I have to be honest,” Scootaloo agreed nervously, “it’s… not bad, but it could be better… in my opinion. Not that there’s anything wrong with the apples of course! It’s just-”

“It’s not good, AJ,” Apple Bloom finished for her. “He convinced me ta try it, and… it don’t taste great.”

“Okay, Ah can take ya havin’ bad opinions and needin’ ta be put down,” Applejack started angrily, “but once you start infectin’ the rest of these good ponies with yer bad opinions-”

“Taste it if you don’t believe me!” Archard interrupted. “We still have the bowl! You can taste it and know it’s horrible! I bet it tastes worse than the bottom of Twilight’s gassy hooves!”

“Hey!”

“Like, it’s Arby’s level bad, and it’s very hard to be Arby’s level bad.”

“Ah don’t need ta taste it!” Applejack told him. “Ah’ve eaten it plenty of times! It’s my favorite flavor here!”

“Then how can you possibly with a straight face say it’s any good if you've tasted it?”

“Because it has Apple Family apples in there, and Apple Family apples are made with blood, sweat and tears! That’s what makes them the perfect food, and the perfect addition to any food.”

“Well if they’re so perfect and this is your favorite flavor, then eat this whole bowl. It should taste like nothing but happiness to you.”

“Ah- ya don’t- Ah don’t need to prove ta you that Ah like my favorite flavor of ice cream! Ah’m-”

“Aren’t you supposed to be the Element of Honesty?” Archard asked. “How can you lie and say that you like this gross shit and that it’s your favorite?”

“Ah’m not lyin’!” Applejack argued, now getting truly angry. “It is my favorite flavor, and Ah do like it! It’s the best-”

“What are we doing here?” Twilight suddenly interrupted, realizing how long this argument might go on if she didn’t put a stop to it. “Why are we arguing about ice cream? We should be capturing this thing, Fluttershy!”

“Ah agree with Twilight on this,” Applejack said firmly, scowling at the human. “Any heathen that don’t like apples is a monster in my book.”

“I like apples, I just don’t like this specific apple flavored product and can't comprehend how any profit-seeking entity would release this as a flavor of ice cream. Also, I’d rather not be experimented on, thank you very much. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.”

“I wasn’t- ugh! Just come with us, please! We can’t have you on the loose out here!”

“I don’t see why not, but if you try to-”

“Archard,” Fluttershy said kindly, flying up to him and putting a hoof on his cheek. “I promise I won’t let anything happen to you. As long as I’m there, you’ll be safe from both Applejack and Twilight. Okay?”

“What about Lyra?” Archard asked using a puppy dog voice. “You promise to protect me from her, too?”

“Oh, I don’t wanna experiment on you,” she explained. “I just wanna know everything there is to know about you! Where you come from, what your favorite food is, if you have any family, what your kind is like, when you go to sleep…”

“You sound a lot like my sister’s ex-boyfriend, but… since Fluttershy promised… okay! I’ll go with you and farty hooves over there. But you better not experiment on me or try to stick needles in me, cause if you do, I’ll be mad.”

“Wait, hold on!” the stallion on his lap complained as the human stood up. “You can’t leave yet! I still have my wish! I haven’t had enough true happiness yet!”

“I’ll finish granting your wish later, I promise. I need to go with Twilight and maybe not get experimented on probably.”

Author's Note

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Peanut Butter and Hot Sauce

“Has anyone ever told you guys that you smell like horses?” Archard asked. “Especially with all that running around. You all smell like sweaty horses. Which, although expected, is a bit weird.”

“Yeah, well, you smell like a gross monster,” Twilight countered, “so it’s not like you’re much better. Plus, I take pride in my appearance. I may not have the eye for fashion like some of my friends, but I do know that showering and taking care of your body is good for your health, and good health keeps your mind sharp.”

“Yeah, well, I’m gonna have to trust you on that because you smell not the greatest to me. Also, I shower every day and brush my teeth and I have an IQ of, like, twenty-six, so I’m not so sure that’s true.”

“Ah can’t see how it would be higher since ya hate apples so much,” AJ mumbled grumpily.

“Huh, I would've guessed your IQ was more in the ninety-sevenish range.” Pinkie Pie responded. “I bet eating more cake and pies would help boost brain power! It sure helps me!” With that statement, she took out a large cake from behind her back and downed it in one bite, surprising the human.

“You know, I didn’t think you were actually able to do things like that in real life,” he told the mare. “Are you a witch?”

“Nope, but that sounds like it would be pretty fun! I could have a black hat and everything! Oh, but Mrs. Cake sometimes tells me that a sugar demon and she doesn’t know how she puts up with me and that if I don’t stop being so loud while her foals are sleeping she’s gonna beat my-”

“Aaaaaand that’s enough of that, Pinkie Pie, thank you,” Twilight interrupted before she could finish. “Anyway, here we are at the library, so let’s get you back down to the basement so we can do some tests and-”

“No, Twilight, we’re not doing tests on him,” Fluttershy told her. “If he doesn’t want tests done on him, we can’t do them. He deserves respect just like everypony else.”

“Come on! He’s a dangerous creature, and we can’t even run tests on it?” Twilight complained.

“I haven’t seen him do anything dangerous at all, Twilight. Maybe if he starts to do something dangerous, it would be okay, but all I see is a lovely creature having a happy day.”

“You say that about every creature,” Twilight mumbled, rolling her eyes as she realized he had no way to argue against her. “What do you suggest we do then, since we basically can’t do anything?”

“Well I say we start by getting to know him better,” the mare suggested. “I’m sure he’ll let us know whatever we want, right Archard?”

“Absolutely positively!” he confirmed. “Isn’t that what we were doing at first anyway until you put your farty hooves all over me and tied me up?”

“Well… how do we know he’s not lying?” Twilight asked, upset that she wasn’t going to be able to run any more tests. “We can get all the correct information we need if you let me finish my physical examination of him!”

“Yeah, physical examination,” he said. “Do you mean like when you were trying to pull down my pants and expose me in front of everyone?”

“I- that wasn’t what was happening and you know it!” Twilight blushed furiously. “Whatever! I have enough to analyze anyway, but don’t think for a second we won’t stop you if you try to do something crazy!”

“I do crazy things all the time, like putting ketchup on my scrambled eggs or wearing mismatched socks or listening to “Baby” by Justin Bieber unironically, but I’m gonna assume you mean blowing up the city or something by ‘crazy’.”

“Lets just go inside and do this interview and hope he doesn’t lie to us.”

“I don’t think I’ve lied once, except to you when I said I was going to the Everfree Forest, but you started that.”

“Also, Twilight, my research says that humans are typically terrible liars. I think we’d be able to tell if he were.”

“We didn’t know that he was- whatever. Never mind. Let’s just go inside and talk to him before I have a brain aneurysm because of him.”

“Just like the Nirvana song!”

With that, group started inside the library. However, before they could close the door behind them, a group of several ponies ran up to them, bumping into them and causing all of them to tumble onto the ground.

“Ow! What do you guys think you're doing?” Twilight asked frustratedly as she rubbed her nose that hit the floor.

“Oh! Sorry! We were just wondering about that creature…” a stallion started as he stood up and shook himself off. “But um... did you just fart?” he asked, sniffing the air.

“Do you not see my whoopie cushion hooves?” Twilight asked grumpily as she sat on her haunches. “Obviously, I didn’t fart.”

“What she means to say is, what brought all of you out here and running into us?” Lyra started.

“Well, we just heard from Blaze who heard from Night Wing who heard from Sparky and Mercure that there was a creature who could grant wishes, and we… wanted to see… if our wishes…”

He trailed off as the human stood up, the group taking a step back at the creature’s height. It was something that Twilight and her friends had already gotten used to, but he stood almost twice as tall as the ponies around him and it intimidated them.

Archard took a step forward to the stallion and said flatly, “You are absolutely adorable. Also, I don’t know if I can grant wishes, but I’ve done three so far, so I can try for you, too if you want.”

“No he can’t!” Twilight and Lyra said at the same time, the former quickly running in front of him to block him from the group. “He can’t grant your wishes! Don’t ask him!”

“Yes I can!” the creature argued, now firmly believing that he could. “I mean, it turned out pretty awfully twice out of three times, but one of those times wasn’t even my fault I think, so… we’ll go with a fifty-fifty success rate? Or maybe a sixty two and a half percent chance of success or something? I’d say those are pretty good odds for wish granting.”

“No, those aren’t good odds!” Twilight told him, turning around to face him. “I know what you’re gonna do! You’re trying to trick them!”

“I am doing no such thing,” the human responded. “I haven’t tricked anypony, except for you, but you deserved it.”

“You literally just said-” Twilight started before one of the members of the group interrupted.

“I wish to be immortal!” he wished hurriedly. “Ha! No take backs!”

"What? I wish he wasn't immortal!" the second one said quickly.

"Why? Why did you do that?" the first one asked angrily.

“I wish for a sandwich!” somepony else said happily.

“I wish for one, too, but with no pickles, please.”

Twilight turned around to glare at all four of them before looking over her shoulder to tell him, “Don’t you even think about- where did he go?”

“I’m gonna go make some sandwiches,” he called, already in the kitchen and looking through her fridge and freezer for food.

“Don’t just- stay near me!” Twilight demanded as she farted after him. “Don’t you go out there and grant their wishes after you just said it could go horribly! You can’t do that! Also stop rummaging through my food!”

“Wow, there are a lot of hamburgers in here,” the human noted as her fridge. “Like, an unreasonably unhealthy amount. Also, if I didn’t that would be lying, and I can’t lie, because lying is bad, except for that one time I did it when you deserved it, and when I told my coworker Carissa that she’s pretty when I actually think she’s very, very ugly. But the latter is just being polite, so that doesn’t count. But uh, yeah. I’m gonna grant their wishes.”

“Do you really not care about how your actions affect other ponies… err, creatures?” the mare asked. “You just said that there’s a chance that-”

“Oh, I’m sure nothing bad will happen,” he assured her as he got out peanut butter, cheese, and pickles from her fridge. “Well, they might not like the sandwiches I’m making for them, but other than that- do you have any hot sauce? Anyway, it’s not like any of this is real.” As he said it, he found what he was looking for and quickly started assembling three sandwiches with them, one without pickles.

“What? What are you talking about?” the mares asked. “And stop that right now!” she demanded again, trying to float the food over to her but unable to because of the human’s hold on them.

“Well, I mean, I guess this is technically real, but it’s not like the consequences of my actions actually matter… anyway, let me go get them their sandwiches.”

“Wait, no! Your actions do matter! You can’t just-”

He ignored her as he went back to the group, giving the two who wished for sandwiches their respective meals. However, they turned up their noses at the sight and smell of them, frowning at the human.

“Are those- is that peanut butter and hot sauce?” one of them asked, looking at them in disgust.

“With no pickles, just like you asked for!” Archard smiled. "If you don’t take it, I’m gonna set it on the ground in front of you, so take it, because eating food off the ground is how you get germs.”

“I don’t want that! That’s not what I wished for!”

“Yes it is,” the human said, completely unfazed by the pony’s reaction. “You said a sandwich with no pickles, and this is indeed a sandwich with no pickles.”

“Yeah, but… you knew what I meant! I don’t want that!”

“Well, I mean, if you don’t want it, I’ll eat it. What about you, random other stallion?”

“Um, no, I don’t want that at all. That looks disgusting.”

“Well, then I’ll take them both, but let it be known that I granted both of your wishes, even if you didn’t like what the result was.”

“Oh! Oh! Me and Snowy Bumblebees will take one! Peanut butter and hot sauce with cheese and pickles is my favorite!”

“Hehe, you’re adorable, of course you can have them, but I’m keeping the third one for myself.”

“Wait, what about my wish?” the final stallion asked, looking at him expectantly. “I wanna be immortal!”

“Well, I like to think that everyone and every pony has a soul that lives on forever, and really, if we don’t, you can be immortalized through the actions you do and the friends you make, so… I feel like that would largely be the same thing honestly. Plus your friend already said he wishes you weren't immortal.”

“Humph,” the stallion grumbled, scratching a hoof against the ground. “You’re a cheat.”

“Cheating’s the name of the game,” the human responded, “especially when the wishes I gave you are free. Last chance for sandwiches? You two want them? No? Okay, then, Snowy, Pinkie and I will eat them.”

“Yeah, let’s get you interviewed now,” Twilight decided, using her magic to push the group of ponies that weren’t with her out as Archard fed Pinkie Pie and her pet manticore sandwiches. “I have to ask you about that little comment you made.”

Author's Note

Unfortunately, I do not know when the next chapter will be available for this, but hopefully, we can have it continue, because I do enjoy writing this c:

I Cannot Tell A Lie

“I was born in a log cabin in Illinois in the year eighteen-oh-nine,” Archard started sarcastically as he sat at one of the desks in the Library, eating his peanut butter and hot sauce sandwich, Pinkie and Snowy enjoying theirs as well. “The winter that year was quite cold, colder than I had ever remembered, seeing as I was just born. And then… um, a lot of stuff happened, and then there was the Kansas-Nebraska Act and an Illinois senate race and now-”

“Ah can tell yer lyin’,” Applejack interrupted with authority, glaring at him. “Ah’m the Element of Honesty, so Ah know when somepony’s lyin’.”

“It was a joke, but whatever,” he mumbled before turning to Twilight and Lyra. “What do you wanna know about me anyway? I can tell you anything you want to know, except for a whole list of things that I don’t know and the secret Ryan told me to never tell anybody, which probably includes ponies, I would think.”

“How many wishes can you grant in a day?” Lyra jumped in before Twilight could get her question out, notebook and quill in hand.

“In theory a million, but I didn’t know I could actually grant wishes until today, except in the hearts and minds of children and- wait, I might have already said this bit. But yeah. I really have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m sure if I try my best, it’ll all work out.”

“Interesting stuff… why don’t humans like chickens?”

“I wouldn’t say I’m a man who hates chickens per se,” the human explained, “but I do hate that specific monstrosity that came from the depths of hell itself. It pecked me on the nose, and it was mean, and I should eat it for its crimes against humanity, but it would probably taste super gross because it’s soul is filled with evil.”

“...souls… filled… with… evil…” Lyra wrote down, taking his word at face value. “How old are you? How old do humans live to be?”

“It’s not proper to ask a person their age,” Archard said, “especially not a scary monster like a whole heck of a lot of ponies think I am. But, I can say that I’m old enough to be able to contribute to a 401k but not old enough to actually care about putting money into a 401k. Although I’m pretty sure the oldest person I knew in my family was like eighty six. She’s still alive though.”

“What’s a 401k exactly?”

“A 401k is a thing you get so that way when you’re too old to work, you’ll have money so you don’t die.”

“I see… this is all very interesting!”

“How many ponies have you eaten?” Twilight asked bluntly, with a scowling expression on her face. The other ponies around her gasped at what she said, Lyra herself cringing and Fluttershy putting a shocked hoof over her mouth when she said it.

“That’s right,” the mare continued. “He said his kind eats ponies. Isn’t that right, Arching?”

“I’m not going to correct my name again,” the human replied, “and I said before that I wouldn’t eat a horse. No offense, but you probably taste super gross, and you’re too cute for me to eat. Wouldn’t ever do it, can confirm.”

“Yeah, well… Applejack, is he lying?”

“No, it doesn’t look like it,” the mare admitted. “He’s bein’ truthful.”

“See Twilight?” Fluttershy said. “He’s not an evil scary monster like you’re saying he is. Now please be nice to him. There’s no reason to attack him like that.”

“I’m only telling you what he said! He was the one who said that his kind- cows!”

“Cows?”

“Yes, cows!” Twilight announced, pointing an accusing hoof at him. “He said he eats cows!”

“Oh, yeah, I did say that, didn’t I?” he responded. “But beef is delicious! That’s not my fault! Have you ever tried beef jerky?”

There were several horrified looks sent his way, one that made him stop and pause. Even Snowy and Pinkie Pie stopped what they were doing, staring right at him as if they couldn’t believe what he was saying.

“What?” Fluttershy asked quietly, the whole room staring at him. They were all wearing a shocked expression except for the angry one Applejack had and the smug one Twilight had.

“You… you eat cows?” she asked, barely able to get the words out. “Wh… how could you?”

“Um, yeah?” he replied, now a bit confused. “It tastes great, and becomes hamburgers, which is confusingly named ‘ham’ after pigs. Really, it should be beef burgers, but I’m gonna call it just a little bit of trolling on the part of the beef industry. The McDonald's Corporation doesn’t want you to know the truth!”

“But how could you?” Fluttershy asked desperately. “What would Applejack think if you ate some creature like Bessie? She’s a good friend! You wouldn’t do that to her, would you?”

“Huh? Who the heck is… oh fuck.” He paused for a moment as he realized what he was saying, taking a second to shudder to himself and take a deep breath before he continued, “I would not eat Bessie. Beef is good, but I don’t eat living creatures. I hereby swear to a life of veganism… err, pescetarianism. I’m pretty sure fish don’t count, and you guys have cows so that means milk and cheese are okay. Any farther than that, and I’m gonna say no.”

“How do we know he’s not lying?” Twilight asked. “He could just be saying that to try and get out of-”

“I Pinkie Promise I will not eat one cow while I’m in Equestria,” Archard said, holding up a hand. “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”

Everypony in the room looked at AJ, who had a hard expression on her face, trying to judge if he was being truthful. Archard stared back at her dumbly with a blank expression, the moment lasting a long minute, before she said, “Well… he’s bein’ truthful.”

“Oh good,” Fluttershy sighed gratefully, wiping her forehead with a hoof. “See, Twilight? Archard is telling the truth. That means he’s not the monster you say he is, even if he does have… um… unique tastes.” She flinched as the words came off her tongue.

“Even with my unique tastes, I don’t eat things that can talk, so since cows can talk, that’s a hard no… but can pigs talk? Can I eat those?”

“No, ya can’t!” Applejack barked. “Ya can’t eat any of my farm animals, ya got that?”

“Okay, fine, jeez, I was just asking,” the human replied, sounding just a touch annoyed. “Anyway, I wanna answer more questions. Doing this interview is fun… actually, I have a question of my own. Where am I gonna sleep?” It got a bunch of looks his way as he continued, “I need somewhere to sleep eventually, and I’m honestly getting kind of tired. I was up all day before our game, and I’ve been up all day today. It’s way past my bedtime, and contrary to what you might think, being an adult doesn’t make you immune from having a bedtime.”

“Oh! Oh! Oh!” Pinkie Pie suddenly jumped up and down. “Can he stay with Snowy and I? Plllleeeeaaaassseeeee Twilight?”

“No, I think it’s best if he stay with m-”

“With me, Twilight,” Fluttershy interrupted. “I think he’d be the most comfortable saying with me, right, Archard?”

“Oh, absolutely, Flutters,” he replied happily, reaching over to scratch her ears and under her chin. “You’re just the gosh darned cutest pony who ever did live, aren’t you?” he said, speaking in an almost baby voice as she purred.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, but can we please talk about this later and get back to this interrogation?” Twilight asked. “We’re just wasting more time.”

“I prefer to think of it more as an interview,” the human commented. “Interrogation brings back bad memories of that time the police thought I was a burglary suspect when I was nineteen. But ask me whatever questions you want.”

“What did you mean when you said your actions don’t have consequences?” Twilight asked suspiciously.

“Oh, I just meant that none of this is actually happening,” he replied casually. “I mean, I’m pretty sure I was struck by lightning, which means that I’m in a hospital somewhere probably unconscious. Either that, or magic is real and everything in the universe is a lie and the world is flat and Santa Claus isn’t real, but what are the odds of that?”

“...what?”

“And this is the part where I’m like, ‘Oh no! It’s all real! What ever will I do?’ But that’s not gonna happen probably, and if it does, it just proves that this whole thing is scripted in my head.”

“Are… are you okay?” Lyra asked, sounding a tiny bit worried. “It doesn’t sound like you’re making sense.”

“Well, I feel okay, but I did get struck by lightning, so if I’m not, I wouldn’t be too surprised. But I’m perfectly okay, even if my mom says that she sometimes doesn’t understand how I can possibly be her child since I act so outrageous.”

“Well, you are perfectly something, alright,” Twilight muttered rolling her eyes. “But this is real. It’s not in your imagination, however ridiculous Lyra’s information about you is.”

"It's not ridiculous if it's true, Twilight."

“Oh yeah?” he asked. “Then how come I can do this?” He suddenly pinched himself hard in his hip, and yelped at the pain, a move that made everypony in the room raise their eyebrows. He looked around, and when he didn’t see what he was obviously expecting, he pinched himself again and yelped again.

“Why are you doing that?” Lyra asked, raising an eyebrow. “What do you think is gonna happen?”

“Well, pinching myself should make me wake up. It works in all the movies. Unless… oh no!” he suddenly screamed, putting his hands on his cheeks in surprise. “This is all real! How could this be?”

“Uh, because we summoned you?” Lyra suggested, confused, just like the rest of them were.

“How could this be happening?” he asked, throwing himself to the floor in a clearly exaggerated manner. “Oh, why? Why? I was too young!... well, not that young, but the point still stands! I had so much to do with my life, like watch the Cowboys lose like fifty more times! America’s team, my right buttcheek!”

“What in the world are ya goin’ on about?” Applejack asked, not amused in the slightest.

“Oh, well I needed to get to the ‘what will I ever do’ part of the imagination sequence to prove this was all in my imagination, and now that we’re there, we can move right past it firmly secure in the fact that none of this is real.”

“Yeah…” Lyra trailed off, not wanting to poke at the conversation anymore, almost a bit afraid of where it might go. “Anyway, have you ever fallen in love?”

“Oh, many a time,” he smiled, “although not with ponies. No offense, but ponies are gross and I would never date one… except for Soarin’, but he doesn’t count because he’s a stud. But yeah, my ex girlfriend once told me, ‘Archard, you fall in love too easily.’ I didn’t believe her at the time, but in hindsight, it was probably true, since it turned out she was a Cowboys fan. Boy, was that a revelation.”

“I see… what’s your favorite type of music?”

“Anything but nu metal,” he replied quickly. “God, I hate nu metal, except for Korn, but even they barely pass.”

“What’s ‘nu metal’?” Lyra had to ask.

“The worst genre of music you’ll ever listen to. It was all my older brother ever played, and I hate it now because of that. It turns out Linkin Park and Papa Roach are only good the first five hundred and sixty six times you listen to their songs. After that, it starts to get kind of stale. And don't ask me to play it, because I'm not gonna.” He crossed his arms over his chest in finality as he said it.

“Interesting. What’s your opinion on-”

Suddenly, the door to the library opened, and Zecora appeared, holding in her hooves Archard’s greatest enemy. He gasped in surprise as he stared the creature, who bawked at him with a great ferocity the world had never seen. It flapped it’s wings at the sight of him, seemingly trying to leave the zebra’s grasp and attack the alien in Equestria.

“Alas,” Zecora declared, “I have returned from where I roamed. Your chicken is once again safely home.”

“You!” he pointed accusingly. “You’re lucky Zecora’s holding you because I will turn you into fried chicken if I have my way.”

“Bawk!” bawked the chicken.

Author's Note

Aaaaand, we're back! Once a month again! Hurray!

Night Time Matters

Fluttershy stepped in front of the chicken before it could be released to attack the human, Archard glaring at it with a powerful expression. If looks could kill, it would’ve already been dead, plucked, and in the oven, baking at three hundred and seventy-five degrees into a delicious meal.

“You think you won our last fight?” Archard asked as the creature ruffled its feathers. “You attacked first. That means you fight dishonorably. Try and come at me when I’m prepared for it next time. See what happens.”

“Archard, please be nice,” Fluttershy asked softly, floating over to him. “I’m sure you two could get along if you tried. Maybe you could even be friends.”

“I didn’t start the war, Steven Bawking over there did,” he asserted. “If he wants me to be nice to him, he has to be nice first, and stop staring at me with those big ol’ mean eyes!” The chicken bawked a couple of times in response to that, and Archard threw his hands up in the air. “See? He just won’t listen! Can you believe the nerve of him?”

Fluttershy now turned to the chicken to see if it had anything to say, to which it only bawked some more, flapping its wings as if explaining its side of the story to the pegasus.

“That’s bullshit and you know it!” the human accused, pointing a finger at the animal.

“Wait, you can understand what he’s saying, Archard?”

“Well, no, but I’m a pretty good guesser,” he replied, “and my guess is what he said is bullshit.” Fluttershy opened her mouth to speak, but stopped, frowning when she realized the human wouldn’t like what she heard the creature say. “It was, wasn’t it?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Bawwk! Bawk, b-bawk!”

“Hey, be nice to him!” Fluttershy got out. “You know, the more you talk like that, the harder it will be to make friends

“Humph. Well, I’m not sure I’d want to make friends with him anymore, not after that little comment.” He crossed his arms and turned away, saying, “I bet it was something hurtful, too, like saying he didn’t like my shoes, as if he has any in the first place.” With that, he yawned and stretched his arms, continuing, “Anyway, I really am getting tired, and would like a place to sleep and end this day off. Not with Steven Bawking though. He's gonna pluck my eye out if he's near me.”

“Uh, okay, you can stay with me, Archard,” Fluttershy told him before Twilight could say anything, “but I don’t think, um… whatever you’re expecting to happen, I don’t think it’s gonna happen.”

“I don’t expect anything other than for you to keep being the most adorable thing in all of existence,” he told the pegasus kindly. “I’m gonna steal you away from Discord, just watch.”

“You most certainly will not!” the draconequus said, appearing for a second to say only that before leaving again.

Archard blinked at that, then said, “Never mind, I guess I won’t be… God, that ice cream. I never want to see that ice cream again…” Then he shook his head and continued, “Anyway, I’m tired, and as fun as this has been, I kind of want to go back home now, so I need to go to sleep.”

“Well, you’re certainly welcome to spend however long you need in my cottage,” Fluttershy said kindly. “It’s of no issue to me, and I certainly know I have the space for it.”

“Oh! Oh! Oh! What if he wants to stay with me?” Pinkie Pie asked enthusiastically. “Can he stay with Snowy and I, Twilight? Please?”

“That sounds like it would be the most fun ever,” Archard commented, “but I need to sleep, not stay up all night eating cupcakes. Maybe next time, when you throw me the most amazing “Welcome To Ponyville” party.”

“It’s gonna be the greatest party a super scary alien from another universe could ever hope for!” she cheered happily. “I’m gonna get to work planning on it right now!” With that, the pony raced out of the treehouse, Snowy Bumblebees hopping happily homeward to his companion.

“There they go,” Archard sighed wistfully. “When I’m not here tomorrow, make sure to apologize to her that she couldn’t throw that party for me. Unless you all fade out of existence because you’re all just a figment of my imagination. That’d be kind of gruesome, actually. I’m gonna pretend that’s not what’s gonna happen.”

“Why do you think that’s gonna happen?” Twilight asked, a bit nervously. “When do you think that’s gonna happen?”

“It’s gonna happen when I fall asleep because none of this is real,” he explained. “And since none of this is real, that means you’re all gonna fade out of existence. Or, at least, that’s the way my mind files it.”

That sent a jump through Twilight’s heart, but Fluttershy was already putting a hoof on her shoulder as she said, “I think you have some… interesting expectations for what’s going to happen, Archard. I think you might wake up confused if you think that’s what’s gonna happen.”

“I think it’s almost certain,” he responded. “I mean, what’s more likely: I got struck by lightning and went into a coma, or I got struck by lightning and got transported into a children’s TV show? Bear in mind, this is real life and not the universe you live in.”

That got Twilight’s look to change from worry to just plain confusion. “Um, we’re not in a… what in Celestia’s name is a TV show?”

“It’s basically a book, but like a play, kind of. The greatest medium of entertainment, one that surely will never die because everyone loves cable TV.”

“Uh, yeah… our lives aren’t a play, Arching. This is all really happening. We’re not a figment of your imagination.”

“See? Even Twilight-” Fluttershy started before she was interrupted.

“But we should probably be on safe side and keep him awake all night, just in case,” she continued. “If he’s being serious, this could have disastrous consequences for Equestria.”

“Well, humans are that powerful,” Lyra broke in, “but you’re not thinking straight. We summoned him here. There’s no way he’s right that we don’t exist or are in some sort of play… probably.”

“Yeah, probably. That’s why we need to keep him up! If he’s telling the truth… actually, speaking of which, Princess Celestia hasn’t gotten information on him yet! Spike, can you take a letter for me?”

Spike immediately ran to her ride, quill and parchment paper in claw. “Dear Princess Celestia,” the mare started, pacing around as her whoopie cushion hooves farted with every step. “Lyra Heartstrings and I have accidentally-"

"Not really an accident since I told you this would happen, Twilight," Lyra said.

"-managed to summon a dangerous creature, a human named Arching.”

“Archard.”

“He says he has the power to destroy cities and is likely plotting to take over Equestria.”

“Unlikely. That’d be way too much work.”

“And now he’s saying that if he falls asleep we’ll all disappear and that we’re a figment of his imagination and ponies in a play.”

“I said a TV show. A play was only a comparison to how-”

“Can you stop interrupting me, please?” Twilight suddenly snapped, turning his way. “It’s very distracting! This is Princess Celestia I’m trying to write to!”

“I’m just trying to make sure you’re painting an accurate picture of who I am,” he shrugged. “I won’t stand for you sending lies over to the best princess in Equestria.”

Twilight huffed and stomped out a fart as she continued, “What should we do, princess? Right now, we’re thinking the best option is to keep him awake so that way nothing can happen, just in case he’s really capable of such a thing. We’ll await your instructions. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.”

With that, Spike blew a green flame from his mouth, sending the letter directly over to Princess Celestia. The dragon burped out a response almost impossibly quick, and cleared his throat to read for everyone to hear.

“Dear Twilight Sparkle, I understand that you’re worried. Humans are indeed strange creatures, creatures that Equestria hasn’t seen in ages. However, I would appreciate it if you would treat whoever it was you summoned with the same respect as you would any other pony. In fact, you should consider them a guest to Equestria. We don’t want to give a bad impression to any creature who enters our territory. As for Lyra Heartstrings, I do believe she and I will be having a conversation later about her… habits.”

“Aw, come on, not again!” the mint colored unicorn complained. “That’ll be the third time this month!”

“In any case, please treat Arching–”

“Archard,” the human corrected, as though Princess Celestia herself were in front of him.

“–with respect and accommodate him as you would a friend. Your teacher, Princess Celestia.”

That made the human smile widely, and he turned to give Twilight a smirk, who only huffed and flicked her mane out of her face. “I guess that means you should be apologizing,” he said. “I mean, after all, the princess did say you should be accommodating me.”

She grunted in frustration and stomped a whoopie cushion hoof. “I’m sorry,” she muttered, looking away angrily.

“Thank you,” the human said smugly. “I appreciate it. Now if you don’t mind-”

“I’m finished!” someone suddenly yelled, rushing upstairs from the basement. It was Rarity, running up to Archard and holding her creation out in front of her with her magic. Everyone had largely forgotten that she'd chosen to stay behind to work on something for the human to wear.

“I’m finished with my latest creation!” she declared as she stepped up to him, holding a pair of pants and showing them off to him with a proud look in her eyes. “Isn’t it amazing?”

It was a pair of jeans, no different than any other that Archard had worn in his life, although it was a pair that looked like they fit just right. He had to admit though, from Rarity, he expected something fancier, more showy. He might have felt a bit surprised by what he saw.

“I spent all day working on them,” she said. “It took a while, but I think they’re the best they can possibly be. Not to mention, I sewed up a little something to cover your top half, as well," she added, holding up a plain white shirt. The human couldn’t say he’d see something much different if he checked his local Walmart. The two items looked quite generic for pants and a t-shirt.

“Well?” the unicorn asked, smiling brightly at him. “What do you think?”

“I think they look… absolutely amazing!” he said enthusiastically. “How’d you know that was what I always wore on Earth? This is great! But, of course, you’re Rarity, so I’d expect nothing but the best from you.”

“Awww, it’s no trouble, really. Try them on though! I’d greatly love to see how you look in them! After all, it is my first time designing clothes for a creature who’s not a pony, especially one as strange as you.”

“I’m gonna take your words as a compliment,” the human told her with a smile. “Thank you. But I’m not gonna try these on now. Instead, I’m gonna head on with Fluttershy to bed for the night so you all can fade out of existence, the way Celestia said. Fluttershy, shall we?”

At Home With Fluttershy

“Oh, we shouldn’t be letting those two go off on their own,” Twilight complained, pacing around on her whoopie cushion hooves. “Maybe we should go to Fluttershy’s place and spend the night there to make sure everything’s okay.”

“I know he’s a dangerous creature, Twilight,” Lyra started, “and trust me, he is. With all of my knowledge of humans, there’s no creature more dangerous, but–”

“If it’s so dangerous, that’s why we should go!” the alicorn announced. “We’re heading over there right now!” Before she could light up her horn though, the mint colored mare stopped, her putting a hoof on her shoulder.

“–but,” she continued, “I think this particular human isn’t too much of a concern, honestly. From what I’ve seen, it doesn’t seem as bright as most other humans I’ve read about. Either that, or it’s just being sarcastic and fooling around. Either way, I think Fluttershy can take care of it.”

“Ah hafta agree with Lyra on this one, Twi,” AJ agreed. "As awful as that creature is, Ah can’t say it was lying at all. Everything it said was the truth so far… except that mess about being born in a log cabin. Ah don’t know where it came up with that.”

“And Princess Celestia did say we should treat it like a guest to Equestria,” Rainbow Dash added. “And honestly, he seems kind of cool. I’d bet he’d like a few of my tricks.”

“And he certainly has an eye for fashion, since he said he wears the same clothing where he comes from as what was sewn for him,” Rarity said. “Even if that Starswirl the Bearded costume was quite tacky.”

“Hey!”

“It’s true, Twilight dear,” Rarity told her. “Even during Nightmare Night season, it’s really not the type of outfit somepony of your status should be wearing. Quite unbecoming, honestly, if I do say so myself.”

“Well, I don’t appreciate how nonchalant you’re all being about that thing,” Twilight said grumpily, crossing her whoopie cushions. “I mean, he said he could destroy an entire city for crying out loud!”

“Didn’t he say it would take him a month to do?” Lyra asked, glancing over her notes. “I’m pretty sure if he was doing something like that, we’d be able to stop him. Now don’t get me wrong, humans are dangerous. But like I said, this one seems a bit… brain damaged?”

“Well if it’s brain damaged, that should be more reason to keep track of it!” Twilight argued. “I know Princess Celestia thinks everything is fine, but she probably just doesn’t know what we’re up against! Heck, it said it eats cows! You’re with me on this, right, AJ?”

“Well, yeah, Twily, course’ I am,” she said. “Ah don’t want that thing anywhere near my cows, or my family!” Twilight smiled as her friend agreed with her, but before she could say anything, AJ continued, “But Ah hafta trust Fluttershy with this one. Ah mean, she’s good with animals and whatnot–”

“Humans aren’t animals. There sentient creatures like ponies and dragons,” Lyra said.

“–so Ah don’t see why she can’t handle him either. In fact, Ah think I’d trust her more than anypony. Ain’t no way she’s letting him have a party or somethin’ at her place, no way.”

“Oh, why, hello!” Discord greeted at the door to Fluttershy’s cottage, wearing a party hat and a silly grin. “What brings you here, my dear Fluttershy?” he asked. “And Arching, too! The guest of honor! I’m sure you’d quite enjoy being at my party I’m throwing!”

“What’s the special occasion?” the human asked, looking inside carefully to see if he could spot any mint ice cream. “This isn’t my “Welcome To Ponyville Super Freaky Alien” party, is it?”

"Oh, no, I’ll leave those sort of shenanigans to Pinkie Pie,” the draconequus told him. “This party is much better! It’s the “Discord is the Greatest Friend And Arching Should Recognize That” party. Rolls right off the tongue, doesn’t it?”

“My name is Archard,” Archard said, “and I’m already super tired after a long day of roleplaying and getting my laundry done and seeing my probation officer and meeting all of the Mane Six ponies. A jam packed day, some would say.”

“What’s a probation officer?” Fluttershy asked as she tilted her head.

“A probation officer is something you apparently get when you win against the driver next to you while drag racing. And you have to visit them every month for five years even though I’m not a twenty year old anymore and only ever did it once. Basically, it’s bullshit, but the options were that or a year in jail, sooo… luckily though, I only have seven months left!”

“Ah, so a devilish rascal is what you are! Well then I think we can be best friends! Although I will have to request you apologize to me for so rudely leaving our tea party like that, Arching.”

“Archard, and I don't think leaving a tea party is what many would consider rude.”

“It was indeed quite rude, not the kind of thing I would consider friendly. And trust me, I know about friendship, and that was not one of the things I learned about from Fluttershy.”

“Well, it’s rude to keep calling me Arching when I’ve said about fifty times that my name is Archard,” the human argued. “You know, you have to give respect to get respect? Or something?”

“Well you disrespected me first by so rudely interrupting Fluttershy and I’s tea party. Any other creature would never put up with such insolence, but here I am, offering you a second chance at the graces of my wonderful friendship. Honestly, you should be thanking me.”

“Well,” Archard yawned, “maybe tomorrow. This human needs to sleep for now.”

“Sleep? How can you think of sleep at a time like this?” Discord asked, tilting his head. “I mean, just look at this party! We can't stop dancing until the cows come home! Or perhaps until the foxes come home is more appropriate for Fluttershy’s cottage?”

Just as he said it, a group of foxes appeared over the horizon, glaring angrily ahead as they made their way over. The human couldn’t possibly guess what they were coming to Fluttershy’s cottage for, but it made Archard smile as much as it made Discord frown.

“Oh, of course, now the foxes have to come home,” the Lord of Chaos grumbled. “Typical.”

“Discord,” Fluttershy got out, taking a deep breath as she tried to contain her anger. “What did you do?”

“Me? Do something?” he asked, placing a paw on his chest to emphasize his surprise. “Perish the thought! I simply allowed those foxes to leave of their own accord. I certainly didn’t force them to go to take up residence elsewhere in the wake of this rambunctious party, if that’s what you’re thinking.” In defiance, the animals held up their tails as they made their way inside, noses pointed to the air as though they didn’t want to have anything to do with him.

“Okay, so maybe I might have perchance sent a few foxes away from the party,” he admitted. “However–”

Before he could say more, a larger wave of animals pulled up within the sightline of the three, the head of them being Angel Bunny, hopping up to Fluttershy. The mare herself glanced between her animals and Discord, looking absolutely furious with him.

“Perhaps it was a few more animals than I thought,” he admitted. “But you have to agree, having them at this spectacularly ravenous party would not be ideal, would it? I can’t have other creatures cramping my style, can I?”

“Discord, I’m very disappointed in you.”

“Oh, don’t give me that!” he pleaded. “I was doing all of this in the name of friendship! I mean, you want Arching and I to make friends, don’t you?” he asked as he wrapped a claw around the human’s shoulder. “What better way to make friends than a party? I’m sure Pinkie Pie would agree.”

“Well, as fun as this party looks,” Archard said, carefully moving the draconequus’s claw off of him, “I think I better hit the hay… ha! Get it? Hit the hay?”

“Oh, quite the hilarious, clever witticism, Arching! Perhaps it means you should stay up all night and dance with the party master, Discord!”

“Maybe tomorrow,” Archard yawned. “For now, I want to listen to Stone Temple Pilots while I sleep. And also eat macaroni, because I’ve barely eaten all day, but that’s a secondary objective. I can get some of that when I wake up back on Earth.”

“Humph, fine,” Discord grumbled, snapping his fingers, the party disappearing in a flash. “See if I ever try and do anything nice for you again. Because I shan’t.” With that, he snapped his fingers again, making a door to nowhere that he stepped through and disappeared into.

“Well that was something,” the human decided. “I can definitely steal you away from him, Flutters. Just watch.”

“Sorry about Discord,” she apologized. “He can be a bit… weird.”

“I’ve come to expect that watching the show, but I didn’t expect that mint ice cream. God, that ice cream… But yeah,” he yawned again, stretching his arms. “I need to sleep so all of you can fade out of existence and I can wake up in the hospital.”

“Um, do you, um, really think that’s going to happen, Archard?” the yellow mare asked nervously. “I mean, I wouldn’t want all my friends and I to disappear, please… not that you shouldn’t sleep, but–”

“I’m pretty sure you’ll be fine, Fluttershy,” Archard said, looking at his watch to choose an appropriate song for sleeping to. “I mean, if this is all in my head, then everything should be fine since you wouldn't actually exist. Either that, or a lightning strike really did take me to an alternate universe and into season four of My Little Pony, but that seems exceedingly unlikely. So basically, you have nothing to worry about.”

“Um, well, if you say so, but I think maybe you should try and–”

“Here it is! A song for sleeping!” Suddenly, a soft song was playing, softer than Fluttershy expected, given the tastes he had in music that he showed to Discord before. “It’s called Atlanta,” he explained, “and it was written in Atlanta. Probably the best song for sleeping out there, honestly.”

“Hmm. Well, it sounds very lovely. Um, do you have a place you want to sleep?” the mare asked. “I don’t really know about humans or what they prefer.”

“I’ll sleep anywhere, but a bed would be better. Sleeping on the floor is unsanitary, especially next to a bunch of animals.”

“Well, I do have a bed to put you in. Follow me.”

The two went up the stairs to the guest bedroom, one that looked more pink and girly than the human expected. It was also crowded, a hundred things crammed into the small space as a butterfly patterned bed stood in the middle of the room. The windows were open, letting in the cool night air, and a couple of lanterns lighted the room.

“Wow, this is bigger than my room on Earth,” Archard said. “And fuller. Mine just has a dresser, a bed, and a TV. I’m impressed.”

“Was there anything you needed?” the mare asked. “Any way I can make you more comfortable?”

“Hmm… not that I can think of… except for a bowl of tuna fish macaroni and boiled eggs, but that’s not something I’d expect you to have. Also a law that states that mint ice cream is banned from the whole of Equestria, but that’s probably not gonna happen either. Other than that, I’m fine.” He gave her a wide, toothy smile as he finished, wanting to assure her that he was.

“Well, if you need anything, you can ask,” she told him politely. “But, um, you promise nothing bad will happen to me and my friends if you go to sleep?”

He put a finger on his chin for a moment in thought before deciding, “I promise that nothing bad will happen to you or your friends. Pinkie Promise in fact!”

“Well, okay, I trust you. But, um, I really think you should be prepared for you to stay here. I mean, I don’t see how you’d be able to go anywhere else, and I’m a real pony, so this can’t be in your head. Not that I'm saying you're wrong, but, it just doesn't make sense to me.”

“It definitely does make sense,” he insisted. “But I guess that won’t matter in seven to nine hours.” With that, he yawned and flopped onto the bed, stretching out onto the thing. “But for now, I sleep. I will see you tomorrow on Netflix when I watch like twelve episodes in a row after work. Probably of season four. That was one of my favorite seasons.”

“Okay, Archard. Good night.”

Personality Flip

Fluttershy woke up the next morning with a start, hearing a hoof banging on her door, demanding the pony it was attached to be let in.

“Fluttershy!” a voice, Twilight’s, called. “Are you okay in there?” she asked. “Is everything alright? You’re not dead, are you? Or turned into some hideous monster? Or tied up and being tortured by that thing, right? Or worse, being forced to have whoopie cushions for hooves? Can you hear me? If you don’t answer in ten seconds, then I’m gonna–”

“I’m fine, Twilight,” the pegasus called, stretching her limbs as she yawned tiredly. “I’ve just been sleeping all night because... it was nighttime? So has Archard. Why are you–”

“Good, because Lyra was telling me last night about how humans can smell fear, and if you’re afraid of it, then it’ll pick up on that and attack! You have to be careful!”

“Well, I’m certainly not acting afraid,” Fluttershy replied as she floated down the stairs to let her friend in. “Maybe that means you should try and take a breath and calm down, Twilight.”

“You’re right. I can’t have him smelling my fear. I need to show that I won’t be losing a battle against him. Even if magic doesn’t really affect him the way it should. I’m sure I can think of something when the time comes. Maybe the Elements of Harmony will subdue him?”

Fluttershy giggled at that. “Or maybe we should just focus on waking up and making breakfast,” she offered. “Would you like to join us? Despite what you think, he’s quite lovely company to have. Discord sure seems to want to be friends with him, even if he doesn’t like admitting it.”

“Well, I think I will join you, but only because I think you’re being way too nonchalant about all of this. It’s openly said it’s a dangerous creature, so I don’t see how you can–”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?” the human suddenly yelled from the upstairs bedroom, sounding surprised and angry and upset all at the same time. It made Fluttershy and Twilight both jump at his voice, the latter getting defensive.

“See? He’s obviously about to go on the attack! We need to prepare!”

“I… you stay here and let me check on him, please, Twilight? He sounds spooked, and I don’t want him to be spooked more by you.”

“Fluttershy! I need you! Right now!” he called, his voice sounding a little shaky. “There’s a big problem!”

“I better go,” she said as she floated up the stairs again, making her way to the room Archard was staying in. She peeked her head past the door to see the human wrapped up in bed sheets, looking at the room around him, like it was the last place he expected to be. He blinked as he looked at Fluttershy’s head peeking in, shaking his head as though his vision was messed up.

“Are you okay, Archard?” the yellow pony asked as she stepped into the room. “I heard you scream, and I thought that–”

“What the fuck is going on?” he asked angrily. No, not angry, more shocked. Surprised and unnerved by what was happening. He wore a look that said he didn’t like whatever he thought was happening one bit.

“I shouldn’t still be here right now! This, like, shouldn’t be real! Nothing like this is supposed to be able to happen!”

“What are you talking about, Arching?” Twilight asked suspiciously. “Were you actually trying to get us all to disappear and fade out of existence? I knew you were evil! I better get Spike to write a letter to Princess Celestia about–”

“No, I’m not evil!” he told her. “It’s just none of this is supposed to actually exist! Things like this only happen in dumb fanfictions, not in real life! A lightning strike can’t actually take me to Equestria because Equestria only exists as a children’s cartoon owned by Hasbro!”

“I don’t know what any of that means, but a lightning strike didn’t take you to Equestria,” Twilight said. “Lyra Heartstrings and I summoned you here, and we–”

“Well then put me back!” he demanded. “I can’t stay here! I have work to go to and new episodes of Better Call Saul to watch! I can’t just be here! What if this happened two days ago and I missed meeting my probation officer?”

“I don’t know what a probation officer is, but if you don’t run off and try to grant wishes and destroy Ponyville and– wait, if you’re so upset about all of this, then how come you were doing all those things?”

“Cause I thought this wasn’t real! It doesn’t make sense for me to be here, just like it doesn’t make sense for you to have normal hooves when you’ve been farting all yesterday on whoopie cushions. I thought this was all just, like, pretend. So I was just messing around and stuff. This wasn't supposed to be an actual thing!”

“Well, that attitude certainly isn’t going to make me want to help you very much, but I’ll see what I can do,” Twilight decided. “Let me talk to Lyra Heartstrings and see about getting you sent back.” She rolled her eyes, muttering, “With as annoying and as much trouble as you are, I’m pretty sure you’re gonna talk me to death before I can.”

“I heard that! You’re honestly shaping up to be my least favorite character out of the Mane Six.”

Twilight glared at him, able to interpret what he meant. “Are you sure you’re gonna be able to deal with him, Fluttershy?” she asked. “He seems aggressive, and with as dangerous as Lyra says humans are, I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I’m certain I can handle him, Twilight,” she assured her. “He’s just a poor, scared creature who doesn’t know what’s going on.”

“And angry! Don’t wanna forget that part. If I really was summoned here, I’m gonna be very angry about it.”

“I’m certain I can make sure he’s being good,” Fluttershy finished.

“I’ll trust you on that. I need to head out to talk to Lyra though. I’ll be back.” She disappeared in a flash of light with the words, teleporting away, leaving the pony and human alone together.

“Would you like me to make you some breakfast?” the yellow mare asked kindly. “I can make you pancakes and eggs, if you’d like.”

“I’d rather have the sausage biscuit I normally get from McDonald’s for breakfast,” he said grumpily, crossing his arms as he stared at the wall. “This is so ridiculous. This shouldn’t be possible.”

“I’m sorry, Archard. If it means anything, I’m sure Twilight will think of something and get you out of here in a jiffy. She’s the smartest mare I know, and has a spell for any problem. In fact, I bet she’ll be back in a few minutes with a solution.”

“Yeah, right. That’s not how these stories go. Every time a human goes to Equestria, they’re always trapped there forever, and I won’t be surprised if this is the same way. Either way, if it takes too long, I’m gonna lose my job, or my apartment, or miss paying bills, or miss meeting with my probation officer. Basically, being here can fuck up my entire life.”

“I’m sure everything’s going to work out,” Fluttershy told him again, floating over to him and petting his hair with a wing. “Twilight will find a way to bring you back to your home, and everything’s going to be alright. Now, how about breakfast?”

He turned his head, not answering for a long minute before he asked, “Can you cook macaroni?”

“Of course, I can cook macaroni,” she said. “Any particular way you want it?”

“The normal way, except made with elbows. Not that nasty Kraft crap, like they serve at the gas station by my house. Also no milk in it. If you can, just melt the cheese with butter and nothing else.”

“I will make sure to make it exactly like that.” With the words, she began to float away, but Archard’s voice stopped her.

“Fluttershy?” She carefully stepped up to him, and a second later, she was arching her back and purring as he had his hands on her face and was rubbing her cheeks and scratching behind her ears.

“You’re a good pony,” he said, talking to her like she was puppy. “Such a good pony. You’re a good pony, and the best one of all time. You’re amazing.”

She couldn’t get out any words, she was purring too contentedly.

“Are you sure you can’t think of anything?” Twilight asked desperately. “He seemed extremely angry, and I worry about what he might do if we tell him we can’t do anything.”

“Well,” the mint colored unicorn replied tiredly, “I certainly can’t think of anything when you come banging on my door at seven in the morning when I’m trying to sleep. You have to give me and Bon Bon time to have our coffee first.”

“This isn’t time for coffee! We should be thinking of something right now! Doesn’t anything come to mind?”

“No, not right now,” she said grumpily. “That’s what I need sleep for. So I can refresh. Besides, I’ve never looked into sending a human back to where they came from. You’d have to give me some time to do some research… can’t Discord send him back though if he wanted to? Besides, I thought you wanted to do some experiments on him.”

“Well, of course, I can!” the draconequus exclaimed, suddenly appearing out of nowhere upon hearing his name. “However, I won’t for the simple fact that Archard is quite the rude individual. I’ve yet to forgive such uncivil behavior.”

“Huh? How was Archard being uncivil?” Lyra asked.

“Why, for starters, he interrupted me and Fluttershy’s tea party, and you know just how much I value our tea time. Afterwards, he played the most blaring, obnoxious music I had ever heard in my life, music certainly not fit for an event as fanciful as the one we host. And third, he brought that little egg of a dragon, Spike, along with him, further interrupting our get together.

“Now, even despite all of this, I graciously extended my paw to that creature to be its friend, just as I was taught by my dear sweet Twilight Sparkle here. But what does he do? He rejects my invitation and goes to look for friends elsewhere! Can you believe how inconsiderate that is? And even after all of that, just the audaciousness he had to think he could find a better friend than I, I threw myself out there to host a party for him, and he said no! The nerve of some creatures, I must say!”

“Uh, so, why can’t you send him back to wherever he came from?”

“Because he rejected my friendship, and I refuse to indulge ponies who think I’m the kind of creature to be rejected like that! Maybe if he apologizes, then I might reconsider. Might.” With the words, he snapped his fingers and vanished.

“Well, Discord’s gonna be out of the question for help because he’s acting like–”

“Like Discord?” Twilight finished.

“Yup.” Lyra stretched and yawned, saying, “I’ll see what I can do. But if it was up to me, I’d keep him here. I mean, I didn’t spend all this time researching humans just to get rid of the first one I’ve ever seen after a day.”

You Can't Always Get What You Want

“Oooo you made good macaroni, Fluttershy!” Archard proclaimed as he ate. “This is perfect! Way better than Kraft macaroni!”

“Hehe, I tried my best,” the pegasus giggled. “I hope this makes you feel a little bit better.”

“It makes me feel a lot better… but I still don’t want to be here.” He reached out a hand to pet her some more, and she instinctively stuck her head under it, letting his fingers dig into her mane.

“Although you are super duper adorable, and your cute face makes me almost enjoy the time I have to spend,” he said. Then he stopped, continuing, “But if we could talk to Twilight and Lyra and Discord and whoever else about getting me back home, that would be the very best.”

“I certainly will,” she assured him, “and I’m sure they’ll all try their very best to help you. And if they don’t, I’ll make sure they will.” She gave a wide, kind smile as he took another bite of macaroni.

“I’m sure you will,” Archard agreed, “because you’re just the nicest pony in all of Equestria, of course! I do wonder what episode it is though… hmmm.”

“What episode it is? What do you mean?”

“Well, I was telling you last night you were in a TV show, remember? I wonder what episode of Season Four this is. Have you turned into a bat yet?”

“A… a bat? Um, no?”

“So then it’s super duper early in Season Four. Got it. Have you gotten the seeds from the Everfree Forest that Discord planted then?”

“Hey!” The draconequus suddenly appeared out of nowhere, pointing a claw the human’s way. He had a grumpy looking expression, and caught Archard by surprise with it.

“Don’t go sowing seeds of mistrust about the seeds I planted in the Everfree Forest, Mr. ‘I’m-Too-Good-To-Be-Friends-With-Discord’! I’m warning you!” He crossed his arms and stared angrily at the human, who blinked at him in response.

“Okay, then I actually meant the seeds that were definitely not planted anywhere ever,” he said. “Also, can you send me back to Earth? Staying here is not in my MO, I won’t lie. Even as amazing as Fluttershy is.”

“Fluttershy is my pony, and no, I will not be sending you back to wherever you came from until you learn some manners! Why, back in my day, we respected our elders, and yet you just stroll around here all high strung like you’re better than everypony else!”

“Um, that’s literally what you do all the time every single episode of the show,” he said back. “And I promise to be super duper friends and worship you as my new god if you bring me back to Earth. How does that sound?”

“Nope. I already gave you an invitation to be my friend, and you declined it, even after that positively wicked party I threw, as the cool foals would say.”

“That’s just about as far from what I said as you could possibly get. Also, I'm pretty sure the cool foals don't say anything like that.”

“Now,” Discord continued, “you’ll have to earn my friendship, because a creature of my stature shan't be disrespected as I have been by you.”

Archard blinked again, and then turned to Fluttershy, saying, “Can you make him send me back? Pleeeaaassse?” He folded his hands together and gave her wide puppy dog eyes as he said it.

“No! Don’t cheat! Fluttershy, I will not be sending him back, so don’t even ask! In fact, I should get out of here before you even say something.” Fluttershy opened her mouth to speak, but the lord of chaos had already snapped his fingers and disappeared to somewhere else before any words came out.

“You’ll talk to him right?” the human asked. “Because, like, I’m trying to be happy, but this is actually pissing me off really, really badly. I do not want to be here.”

“I’ll talk to him, okay?” Fluttershy assured him. “But, um, are you from the future? Cause you were asking about things, and I wonder if you were expecting them to happen. I mean, if you’re comfortable telling.”

“For all intents and purposes, yes,” Archard told her. “Or maybe I’m just psychic and can see the future. I don’t really know how that works when you’re in a TV show. But it sounds like you didn’t find the–”

“Don’t say it!” The draconequus appeared out of nowhere to say only that, before hurriedly leaving again.

“The, um, the absolutely nothing because nothing ever happened ever, of course,” Archard finished, blinking in confusion. “I’ll take it as a ‘no’ though, which means we’re in the in between period of Season Three and Four.”

“I’m not sure what that means, but okay,” the pegasus said politely. “Did you want to find Lyra and Twilight again so we can talk to them? Or do something else? I have books to read, if you want them.”

“It’s fine. I really don’t want to do anything other than sit here and be depressed and anxious about the fact that this is all real, but instead of that, I’d rather… run around and make a complete fool of myself and be a super scary monster like I’m supposed to be. That sounds like it would be fun. Better to pretend nothing's wrong than to just get angry like I am getting. I'm probably a second away from punching a hole in a wall.”

“Um, please don't do that, but, um, what might be more fun is a nice walk in the park?”

“Yeah, that might be better. Would save energy anyway, along with little risk of breaking my hand.”

The two of them barely made it a few steps outside before they were confronted by several ponies, all of whom who saw him making their way up to Archard on sight.

“Hey, there he is! It’s Arching!” a group of stallions said as they ran up to him. “Hey, Arching! We heard you can grant wishes! Can you grant ours? Please?”

“I would, but I have no idea who Arching is,” Archard replied. “Sorry.” He shrugged his shoulders and stared at them for a long moment.

“Our friend told us you granted his wish, though! He said you showed him true happiness! We want to experience that!”

“Oh! True happiness? That’s easy! Come here!” He went up to the first stallion and put his hands behind his ears and did his thing, watching as the pony practically melted into a puddle.

“Hey, I want some true happiness!” another stallion said, pushing his way forward to get his head up to the hands of the human. He was only there for a second before another stallion pushed him out of the way too, explaining that he wanted some, too. Other ponies had taken notice, and within a few minutes, Archard had about a dozen ponies jostling back and forth for his affection.

“I asked first! Let me have him!”

“No, me!”

“You two already got some happiness! Save some for everypony else!”

“Guys, guys,” the human tried to say. “There’ll be enough happiness for everyone! I just need you to all kindly form a line, and–”

“Me next!” somepony said, rubbing their head under Archard’s hand. Another one brushed against his leg eagerly, a few more walking around him carefully, trying to make their way up to him.

“No, I want him!” somepony else got out, pushing the first one out of the way. Archard didn’t move his hand at all, but it seemed simply walking back and forth under it and letting it brush against their mane was enough to elicit a purr.

“It’s like I’m surrounded by a bunch of cats,” the human commented, giving a look to Fluttershy before turning his attention back to the ponies. “Can we at least form two lines?” he asked, receiving no answer other than jostling. “Please? I’m being polite, I don’t know what else I can do.” He thought for a second before adding, “What if I make it twenty bits a pop? To be pet, it costs twenty bits per session.”

“I have twenty bits!” the first one under his hand said quickly, pulling the money out of a pocket near his side. “That means you have to pet me now!”

“I didn’t know ponies wore clothes, and also, I don’t have to accept your money. Because, um, uh… you also have to… read every single book in Golden Oaks Library fifty times.”

“No! You can’t make us do that!”

“He’s just trying to drive us away!”

"You granted other ponies wishes!”

"Well, you know, a great philosopher once said, 'You can't always get what you want, but if you try, you might find just what you need.' So maybe you should take that advice to heart."

"Well what we need is happiness! Are you gonna deprive us?"

Many of them started yelling angrily at him, looking like they wouldn’t take no to being petted for an answer. It made more ponies stop to look at the commotion, and then join in once they saw the human.

Archard gave a look to the yellow pegasus next to him, silently asking her for help with the crowd, and she reluctantly sighed and floated above the growing group.

“Everypony, listen!” Fluttershy suddenly got out. She didn’t yell, but the tone of her voice was enough to make everypony be silent and pay attention to her. She gave them all a look that was a mixture between an angry school teacher and a disappointed mother. It was one that made everypony in her sightline shrink back a little bit.

“I don’t appreciate the way you’re all crowding around Archard and yelling at him,” Fluttershy said sternly. “He’s trying his very best, and politely asked you all to form a line, and yet you’re all pushing him around. I expect better from ponies who know better, like you all do.”

“He granted those other ponies’ wishes though! We want our wishes granted!”

“Yeah, and we wish for happiness like that other stallion did!”

“Well maybe you should ask nicely instead of rushing up on him when he’s just trying to head to the park with me,” the pegasus said. “Honestly, I expect better from you all.” She closed her eyes and crossed her hooves, shaking her head disappointedly. The whole group simultaneously hung their heads in shame, seeming like they regretted the way they were acting.

“But… I wanna experience happiness,” somepony said. “And that petting felt super nice.”

“I’m sure it did. In fact, I know it did. But that’s no way for somepony to act to some creature, especially not one who just came to Ponyville. You should be treating him with more respect. Now all of you go home and think about what you’ve done.”

They all sighed at the same time, each of them walking off in a separate direction, dispersing. In a minute, the human and pony were alone, Fluttershy letting out a breath she’d been holding in as she settled her hooves back onto the ground.

“Oooh, that was scary,” she said nervously, practically shaking where she stood. “I was so worried they’d all get angry and try and attack you. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, and thanks. I hope that’s not gonna be a thing being here. As nice and as pettable as you ponies are, I’m not in the business of being harassed like that. Also, you didn’t seem afraid. You looked completely confident to me.”

“Oh, I was super scared. Heck, I wonder if I should have even done that. Maybe there was a better way to tell them… I hope they won’t be angry with me.”

“I’m certain they’re not gonna be angry,” the human laughed reaching over to her and grabbing her face in his hands to scratch her ears. She shivered and her hoof thumped happily in response.

“Such a good pony. Such a good pony. You’re such a good pony, and always so nice and kind to everyone,” he told her quietly as he scratched, moving his fingers up to her mane. “You’re the cutest gosh darned thing this world has ever seen and deserve all the ear scritches.”

“Look! She’s trying to hog the happiness for herself!” somepony suddenly called out of the blue, pointing an accusing hoof the two’s way. “Get them!”

“Shit.”

The Chase

“Mmmm, this is some good coffee,” Lyra said as she blinked her sleepy eyes, sipping from the mug in her grasp. “Just what I needed to wake up. Nice and black, too.”

“Come on, come on, come on!” Twilight said, willing her to speed up. “There’s a monster on the loose and you’re sitting here drinking coffee? We should be out searching for the thing!”

“You were the one who woke me at flank o’clock in the morning, so you’re gonna have to deal with me being tired. And if you keep that attitude up, I’ll drink slower.”

“Ugh, well at least tell me more about humans in the mean time! How powerful are they truly? How can you tell if one’s angry? Are there different subtypes? Do you think Archard–”

“Twilight. No questions. Coffee.” Lyra took another sip and gave a satisfied ‘ah’ as she drank. “Now about the human. We could send him back–”

“We have to send him back,” Twilight interrupted. “I spent all day yesterday with whoopie cushion hooves because of him! Do you know how long I had to scrub to finally get Zecora’s potion to work? Not to mention, Pinkie Pie has a manticore for a pet, and that’s gonna be a whole thing now! He’s already screwing things up, and who knows what more he’s gonna screw up the longer he stays here? He said he knew the future!”

“I understand that, Twilight. If you’d let me finish, I was going to say we could send him back, or, before that, we could interview him and see exactly how much he knows about what’s going to happen. Humans can predict the future, you're right. It'd be good to see what he knows.”

“I was going to do that, but my experiment got interrupted by him running off before!”

“Well, I mean, he did say not to take his blood, and I did warn you he was gonna run off. But what I’m suggesting is a nice, sit down conversation with him over tea and sandwiches. Something casual, not like when you chained him up by the wrists and ankles like you were trying to torture him.”

“I wasn’t going to torture him! Why are you taking his side on that? This is him trying to divide us, isn’t it? When I find him, I’m gonna–”

“Humans are dangerous, but he really doesn’t seem like he’s going to be an issue. Like I said, he’s kind of dopey, so it’s not like he’s gonna know how to use any powers he has probably. Plus, he seems generally nice, so he won’t, like, torture ponies or something.”

“If he’s a dopey dangerous creature, then–”

“Twilight. Who between us is the expert on humans?” She raised an eyebrow, waiting for Twilight to answer.

“I just think that–”

“Twilight. Answer me. Who is the expert?” She took a long sip of coffee and made another satisfied ‘ah’ as she waited for the answer. Twilight stared back with a frustrated look. It was a long moment before she replied.

“You are, but–”

“Okay then, since I’m the expert, you’re just gonna have to take my word that I know what I’m talking about when it comes to humans. Besides, you were the one who was all, ‘none of your research is based in science’ and tried to tell me my portal wouldn’t work.”

“It wasn’t based on science! How that mess of a portal was able to bring that human here has to be some sort of mystical power! There’s no way something like that should’ve worked!”

“Well, it did, because I’m an expert on humans, so you just have to trust me on these things. Besides, didn’t Princess Celestia tell us that we should be treating him like a guest to Equestria? An interview would be part of being a guest, wouldn’t it?”

“No!... well, yes it would, but still! We should be getting rid of it as quickly as possible!”

“And we will! But the whole point of bringing a human here was to study it, and that’s what I wanna do. And I don’t mean chaining it up like some kind of slave. I mean actually studying it.”

“Lyra…”

“Come on, Twilight. All we have to do is send him back. If he’s at Fluttershy’s place, it should be easy to just research this stuff while we interview him, and then send him back when we need to. I mean, it’s not like he's running around the entire city or something and dragging everypony around.

“Give us your pets!” all the ponies behind Archard and Fluttershy demanded, frantically trying to catch up with the two of them. “We want our happiness! Don’t leave us!”

“And I want to not be harassed by a million ponies! So how about that?” he called behind him, not daring to slow down. He was getting tired though, and desperately wanted to stop and rest.

He stopped and leaned on a pole for a second to breathe, having a little bit of a lead on the crowd behind him. Fluttershy looked equally tired, although both knew they had to keep going in a second.

“Man, this is worse than that time I… eh, never mind. My brain is too tired to come up with a quick anecdote. We need to get out of here. Do you think you can talk to them again?”

“I don’t think so,” the yellow pegasus said tiredly. “They don’t seem like they’re going to be the talking type anymore. Look.”

She pointed a hoof at the crowd behind them, which had slowed down to a cat-like stalk. They were crouched low as they tried to corner the human and pegasus, looks of determination on all of their faces. The two of them tried to step back, only to turn and see the same scene behind them. It appeared that they were cornered.

“Wow, who would’ve guessed it would come to all of this for just a few pets?” the human asked. “I knew I was amazing, but I didn’t think I was that amazing.”

“Everypony, please!” the yellow pegasus tried to start. “If you all would just–”

“No!” somepony yelled, pointing an accusing hoof at her. “We all know you’re just in it to hog all the petting for yourself! We don’t want to hear any more or what you have to say! Just hand over the monster and all of this can end!”

“I’m not a monster! What the heck! Why does everyone say that?”

“I can’t do that, not if you all are gonna crowd him and hound him like before,” Fluttershy said defiantly. “I won’t be letting him out of my sight until you all prove you can be nice.”

“Have it your way then!” somepony else said. “Let it be known that we gave you the chance!” The two groups stalked even closer now, closing the space between them and making the two press closer together as they watched the seemingly hopeless scene.

“You know, if it comes down to it, Archard, we can just fly away,” Fluttershy said quietly.

“I know that,” he replied just as quietly, “but I want to see how far this goes. Plus, teach them a lesson if I can. Since I’m forced to be here against my will, I might as well have a little fun with them, right?”

The anger in his voice about his circumstances was still there, but Fluttershy didn’t comment on it. Instead she looked out at the scene before them, at a crowd that had to be a few hundred ponies. They looked so bloodthirsty– or, at least, they would’ve looked that way had it not been for the knowledge that they wanted something so simple and cute as being petted. Even now, there might have been a tinge of adorableness about the whole situation.

“You’ll learn not to mess with us again or deny us our wishes!” somepony else said as they moved to be slightly in front of everypony else. “We have a secret weapon to release on you! Bring it out, guys!”

The crowd parted to reveal the very last thing the human expected to see. It was a monsterish beast with bright white feathers and a pointed snout for a beak. Sharp claws it had at the end of its skinny legs, and long, wide wings that stretched out in anger at the sight of its nemesis. It gave a loud war cry as it took a few defiant steps up to him.

“Um, guys?” Archard said to the crowd. “I’m not actually afraid of chickens. I just made that up because I thought it would be funny.” Fluttershy gave him a quick look that told him to play along, and he quickly backtracked, saying, “I mean, ah! How could you do this to me! My one, uh, weakness! What ever will I do? Oh noes!” The words almost got a little giggle from Fluttershy.

It came off as extremely sarcastic, but wasn’t something the crowd could pick up. “That’s right!” one of them said, a satisfied smile on their face. “Now give us pets, or you’ll get it! That chicken means business, I swear!”

“Well, I guess you’re gonna have to pry my pets from my cold, dead hands because I’m not anyone’s slave. Or any pony’s slave either, for that matter. I turned Twilight’s hooves into whoopie cushions through inadvertent shenanigans, I’ll do the same to all of you!”

“Bring it on! Our chicken will fight for us! Fear it’s awesome power!” That almost got Archard to laugh this time, but he contained himself for now. He’d let this scenario play out.

“Oh, I’ve no idea what I can do in the face of the mighty power of this chicken!” He pretended to fall backward and made a show of desperately trying to squirm away. He almost wondered if the chicken was putting on a show, too.

“No, please don’t do this!” Archard pleaded as the bird strode closer. “I’ve no idea what you’ll do if you peck me! I won’t give in, but let’s not resort to violence!”

“Bawk! B-b-bawk! Bakawh!”

“And threats against my family, too! How could you do this?” He stretched out his hands as he said, “I don’t know what I’ll do if you peck my hands and I can’t pet anypony else for the rest of the week! Please don’t do this! I would never– ow. Ow! My hands idiot, peck my hands! I mean, no! Never! Haha.”

The bird pecked around his legs for a bit before finally following his instructions and giving one or two quick pecks to each hand. It looked up at Archard to receive a wink, before he let out a quick wail of pretend pain.

“Oh no! I’ve been defeated! And my hands are injured, so I guess that means I can’t pet you all anymore. What misfortune.”

“Wait, what? Your hands are injured from just two pecks?” somepony asked in disbelief. “How does that work? I think you’re just trying to get out of petting us!”

“I would never!” he smiled, having a very hard time containing his laughter against such a naïve crowd. “I, uh, only ran away to get some, uh, food from Sugarcube Corner again! But that chicken… whoo! It took it all out of me, I gotta say. My hands are completely useless now thanks to him.”

“Bawk!”

“Yeah, see? He agrees! Guess you all have to, I don’t know, go home or something?”

“If its hands are injured, then this is our chance!” somepony called out! “Capture him and lock him up so he can pet us when they’re better!”

“Uh, Fluttershy?” Archard asked as the crowd suddenly charged at them. “I think it’s time for us to do the thing and skedaddle on out of here.”

“Yeah, I’d say so,” she agreed, grabbing him and the chicken in her hooves before flying up into the clouds.

“Hey! You can’t do that! That’s not fair!”

“Life’s not fair!” he called back. “Get used to it!”

The three of them were lifted up into the clouds, Archard getting wet with every fluffy white vapor pile they passed through. A few pegasi tried to follow them, but eventually gave up, leaving the three to stop peacefully alone at the bleachers to the Wonderbolts stadium. Fluttershy was huffing and puffing by the time she gently set the human and chicken in the bleachers, watching for a second to make sure they didn’t fall down through the clouds because of their weight.

“You… are… heavier than my other animals…” she said as she sat down next to them. “But it was… no trouble…”

“Thank you for taking us up here, Flutters,” Archard said gratefully. Then he turned to the chicken and said, “And thank you, Steven Bawking, for going along with my plan. Truce?”

He extended a hand to shake, and the bird, as though considering it, looked away for a moment before gently touching his beak to the human’s hand. Archard took the opportunity to pet the bird’s head, running his hand down its neck. Steven bawked softly in contentment at the move, and Archard smiled widely.

“Wow, even chickens like pets. Who would’ve guessed?”

“Maybe you have magic hands,” Fluttershy giggled. “I wouldn’t be surprised with how nice they feel.”

“Maybe I do,” Archard shrugged, using his other hand to copy the move on Fluttershy for a minute. “So magical that it’ll be a struggle to get back down there and ever do anything ever again because they’ll all be after me.”

“We can try and come up with a plan to make sure you don’t get cornered like that again if you want. Or we can ask my friends for help. I know she doesn’t like you, but Twilight certainly doesn’t want other ponies chasing after you.”

“Yeah, that would be good. But first let me pet you, because you’re such a good pony, and deserve lots and lots of pets, cutie. And you, too, Steven.”

“Bawk.”

Plans

“Are they still down there?” Archard asked as he kept his eyes closed, having moved into a position to lay on Fluttershy’s back. “There’s no way they could still be huddling together down there. It’s been, like, two hours.”

“Ummm… yes, they’re still down there,” the yellow pony noted, carefully scanning the ground below. Despite being so high up, it seemed as though they could see right through the weather and were looking up at them, almost glaring at them. It made Fluttershy give a soft squeak in surprise when she saw it.

“I think they might be there for a good, long time,” she continued. “I don’t know what we’re going to do to get back down there. We might have to find somepony and spend the night up here if this keeps up.”

“Shouldn’t they disperse for lunch and stuff?” the human asked. “What time is it anyway? Noon has to be coming up at any minute.” He glanced down at his watch and frowned. “Never mind, I guess. It’s only nine forty-one. Ugh.”

“I’m sure they’ll leave eventually, but I don’t know when. Like I said, we might have to spend the night up here. And, um, I- I don’t really like heights all that much.”

“You don’t like heights?” That got Archard to raise his head off of the pegasus’s stomach to turn and look at her.

She shook her head in response, saying, “When I was a filly, there were a bunch of colts chasing me around and bullying me, and, well–”

“Oh, I know. You fell through the clouds and got your cutie mark when you were surrounded by all the cute animals,” he finished for her. “But I didn’t think that meant you were scared of heights. I just thought you wanted to be an earth pony in secret or something. Plus, you’ve been up to Cloudsdale a whole bunch of times since then, right?”

“Well, I have, but I only do it when my friends want me to come up here with them,” she said. “I’d really prefer not to stay up here longer than necessary though. I certainly don’t come up here on my own, that’s for sure.”

“Awww, I’m sorry,” Archard cooed, moving in to give her a tight hug. “I promise we won’t have to stay up here for too much longer if you don’t like it. I have a plan… and that plan is that we should make a plan.”

Fluttershy giggled at the little joke, and Steven bawked as she said, “What kind of plan should we make? I don’t think those ponies are going to be moving for just anything. I’m sure if it rained they would, but I don’t know where Rainbow Dash even is.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” the human assured her. “I have a better plan than that.” Then he turned to the chicken and said, “Alright, Steven Bawking. This is your time to shine! You’re gonna be the diversion!”

If a chicken could look confused, it absolutely did, and took a step back as Archard made an evil looking smile.

“Uhhh… why is everypony standing around out here, staring at the sky?” Twilight asked as she and Lyra Heartstrings approached the center of town. “Is Pinkie Pie throwing one of her parties again?”

“Nope!” the pink pony declared, appearing seemingly out of nowhere. “And trust me, I offered! But nopony seemed to even notice me! They’re all just standing there with big ol’ meanie pants looks on their faces, like this!” She made an angry glare to demonstrate what they looked like, then continued, “Snowy Bumblebees and I just can’t seem figure it out! I mean, nopony turns down a Pinkie Pie party!”

“Well, that’s true,” Twilight agreed, “but then what are all these ponies doing out here?” She looked up to try and find what they were staring at, but couldn’t see much through the clouds. It only made her more confused.

“What’s everypony doing out here?” she asked loudly, pushing a bit of her recently acquired Royal Canterlot voice into her words.

“We’re waiting for the monster to come down so we can tie him up and take our wishes!” somepony said. “He thought he could get away from us, but oh no! We’re gonna catch him and force him to pet us for the rest of his life!”

Twilight wanted to be shocked or upset or anything other than annoyed and frustrated, but she wasn’t. She only sent them an irritated look as another one explained how they were going to catch them with a butterfly net since the chicken they tried to use didn’t work.

“And I assume you read this out of Lyra’s book?” Twilight asked flatly.

“Of course!” the first pony said, holding up a copy of Humans: A Guide To Equestria’s Most Mysterious Race. “It was this wonderful book that taught us that humans can grant wishes! So now we’re gonna lock that thing up and turn it into our wish slave!”

“Really.” Twilight sent a glare Lyra’s way, who only smiled innocently and shrugged her shoulders.

“Uh huh. Think of all the good we could do for Equestria if we do! We could cure cancer! Create world peace!”

“We could be pet for hours and hours and hours and never have to be stopped!”

“We could create infinite money!”

“We could all wish to be alicorns and get eternal youth like Princess Celestia!”

“We could normalize stallions wearing pretty dresses and force everyone to dress up as maids!”

“Yeah, all those things! Except the last thing, but still! Think of it!”

“Um, sure, you could do all those things,” Lyra spoke up. “But be honest. How many of you are just gonna wish to be pet?” Every single hoof in the crowd went up at the same time, the pony holding the book even shamefully holding up his own.

“Yeah, that’s about what I thought,” Lyra said. “But you know, you can get pets without harassing a dangerous genie-like creature.”

“What? How?”

“Easy! Just take your own hoof and rub your neck with it, like this!” She gave a little demonstration as she rubbed her neck, and a few others gingerly copied her. However, when they did, they frowned.

“This doesn’t feel like petting!” someone said. “I remember what his hands felt like! It was pure happiness, and that’s what we want!”

“Just keep doing it, it’ll work!”

“We want the human!” someone yelled, beginning a chant. “We want the human! We want the human!”

Twilight rolled her eyes, then used her Royal Canterlot voice again. “Everypony, listen up!”

It got everypony to turn their heads the alicorn’s way, and she continued, “You can’t have the human. It dangerous. Maniacal. Evil. And most of all, dumb. It’s not gonna do what you say, and if you threaten it, it’s going to hurt you. Trust me.”

“How do you know that, Princess?” somepony asked. “Even if it’s dangerous, Lyra’s book says it grants wishes, so if we just wish for it to not be dangerous, it won’t be anymore!”

“Yeah, but that implies that you’re gonna be able to catch it,” Twilight said. “I wasn’t able to, and I’m an alicorn. Heck, I could’ve been hurt chasing it!”

“She’s right!” Pinkie Pie suddenly spoke up. “We were chasing it in the Everfree Forest, and it was super duper scary, and we found a giant manticore when we were there! But it turned out it was friendly, and I named him Snowy Bumblebees! But also, Twilight hooves turned into whoopie cushions because of some poison joke that we walked in, because she said the human said that was where it was going! Archard is super sneaky, and I wouldn’t trust him! Even if he makes super duper good peanut butter, pickle, and hot sauce sandwiches! Mmm!”

“Uh, yeah,” Twilight said, brushing her off. “But also, it said it could destroy all of Ponyville, so we have to be super careful with him.”

“Coughitwouldtakeafewmonthscough,” Lyra got out.

“The point is this,” Twilight finished. “Leave catching the human to us. It’s dangerous, and I don’t wanna see anypony get hurt. You should all stay in your homes until Lyra and I say it’s safe.”

“How do we know it’s not safe right now?” somepony asked. “He didn’t seem that dangerous! He gave out happiness after all! For free, too!”

“You know, I would trust you guys, but if I recall, a few months ago, you all were hiding in your homes because you saw a zebra. I don’t think your judgment on what’s dangerous or not can be trusted, really.”

“Well if we’re all supposed to be friendly with it, since you’re the Princess of Friendship, let us be friendly with it and… take it into our basements and harvest its power and pets.”

“Guys.”

“Yeah! And who says we haven’t learned from that? Maybe that’s why we want to talk to it and kidnap it! I mean, tie it up and bring it into our basements! I mean, be friendly with it! Because we learned about the power of friendship!... or something.”

“If you guys don’t–”

“Plus, what makes you the boss of us?” somepony else asked accusingly. “You only just became princess! You haven’t been ruling as long as Princess Celestia!”

“Well Princess Celestia made me–”

“And wasn’t it only because you–”

“Everypony, listen!” she yelled, using her full Royal Canterlot voice again. “I’m the princess here, not you, and what I say goes! Now everypony! Go back to your homes now! You’re not allowed out until I say so!”

“But we want–”

“No! I don’t care! Go home!”

She got about two hundred glares from the crowd of ponies, but she only glared back at them, staring long enough to eventually get the crowd to break and disperse. After a minute, it was only Twilight, Lyra, Pinkie Pie, and Snowy Bumblebees standing where everypony once was. The manticore whined at Twilight and put it’s paws on its ears.

“Awww, what’s that, Snowy?” Pinkie asked before turning to Twilight. “He says your Royal Canterlot voice hurt his ears! How could you?”

“Pinkie. I am really not in the mood right now,” Twilight said. “We need to find this human before it causes even more trouble. Now where–”

“This is our chance, Steven!” a familiar voice from above called. “Go on! Attack!”

Suddenly, Steven was falling from the sky, flapping his wings wildly before falling on Twilight’s head. He pecked at her as she closed her eyes and stumbled backward, trying to get him off of her.

“Ah! What the heck! Who in Equestria dropped you on top of me?” she asked as she finally pushed him off of her. He bawked in response, and she glared back at him, taking a threatening step closer to the chicken. She didn’t get any closer though when the voice from before appeared directly above her. She looked up in irritation to see a yellow pegasus carrying a lanky looking biped on her back, one that was smiling from ear to ear as the two descended.

“Dun dun dun dun!” Archard called from atop of Fluttershy’s back, hopping off as soon as she settled onto the ground. “Here I am again, to drive you all away! Now I declare… oh. Wow. Steven, you did better than I thought! You drove them all away on your own! Good job!”

“Bawk!”

“Why are you dropping chickens on top of me!” Twilight yelled angrily, making Snowy whine in pain again and forcing Archard to cover his ears. “That hurts when he pecks me!”

“Well, it was meant for everypony who was here before, but apparently they all left before they got here,” he explained. “Also, that’s how it felt when you and Lyra dropped Steven on me before. So what else?”

“Yeah, well, that was different because… ugh. Never mind. Just come with me. We’re going to interview you, and then–”

“I’m not gonna go with you,” he interrupted, crossing his arms. “Sorry.”

“What? Why not?” she asked. “It’s not a question. You have to come with us. What if those ponies come back out and harass you again?”

“Well then I’ll have Fluttershy here to protect me,” he answered. “Besides, honestly, I’d rather take my chances with them than with you.”

“Why?”

“Um, because the way you’ve been treating me is fucking horrible?” he said. “I’m not particularly interested in being treated like shit, I have to admit. So unless you’re gonna be better, no thank you.”

“Hey! Archard! Don’t curse around Snowy!”

“Sorry Snowy, sorry Pinkie,” he apologized before directing his attention back to Twilight. “But yeah. Unless you apologize and promise to not try and torture and kill me again, I’m saying right here… well, not right here, but with Fluttershy anyway. She’s gonna protect me.”

“Well like I said, it’s not a question. You have–”

“I don’t have to do anything,” he interrupted again. “I’ll sit right here until you apologize, because I'm still trying to keep up my carefree goofy demeanor, and I'm gonna fucking explode if I have to deal with you being so uptight to me. So there.” He sat down in the grass next to Fluttershy, and used one hand to pet her as he picked up the chicken with the other and set him in his lap. Twilight grumbled and copied his move, crossing her hooves as she sat down too. She wasn’t going to be giving in to him.

Petting And Scritching

“How in the world do you even make spaghettios?” Twilight asked frustratedly as she stood in the kitchen of Golden Oaks Library, Archard and a few of her friends with her. “What even is a spaghettio?”

“It’s little circles of pasta covered in sauce and served with meatballs,” Archard said happily with a smile, watching as the alicorn desperately tried to get the cooked spaghetti she made to form into a circle. “Sometimes those cans have hotdogs in them though, and that shit’s wacky. That’s not how I roll. It should be outlawed.”

“Well, this is completely impossible to make,” Twilight said, throwing her hooves in the air. “And I’m not using whatever animal a ‘meatball’ comes from. It’s inhumane.”

“If it’s inhumane, it’s the most delicious inhumane thing someone could possibly– hey, wait! How do you have the phrase ‘inhumane’ if there are no humans here?”

“Humans used to live here long ago, Archard,” Lyra said mystically from her position on the couch, writing down a whole list of notes on a piece of paper. “Ponies evolved from humans previously, which is why we say things like ‘inhumane’ or ‘give me a hand’. It’s part of our ancient culture.”

“Well, you should’ve kept spaghettios as part of human culture, too, if that’s true,” the human replied. “It’s a part of a balanced twelve year old’s diet.”

“Well, you’re ol’ pal Discord can make you some spaghettios, Archard,” the draconequus jumped in, appearing out of nowhere to enter the conversation. “But I don’t think I will, since you said you don’t want to be my friend. I might make some for myself and eat it in front of you just to prove how terrible you were for hanging me out to dry at that party I threw.”

“If that’s your prerogative, go right ahead,” Archard said casually. “I asked Twilight to make me spaghettios for a reason, and spaghettios are what she’s gonna make.”

“And you’re probably gonna have to wait until I learn a good cooking spell because these things are not coming together! Argh!”

“You know what? I’ll give you a pass since you apologized to me,” the human decided. He stretched his hand out to Twilight head and said, “We can move on to the second part of the agreement, which is–”

“Do you have to do this?” she asked, moving away before he could reach her ears. “I mean, come on! It’s unprofessional! And potentially sexual!”

“I don’t know what is going through your head that’s making you think that petting is some form of sexual activity. It’s not, and doubly so because horses are not attractive. Now get those disgusting lewd thoughts out of your head and bring your cute face over here for me to pet! Otherwise I’ll actually tie you up like we agreed to in the bet.”

She stared at Archard frustratedly, but the human said no more. He only stared back at her, extending his hand and waiting for her to bring her ears to it.

“Just do it, Twilight!” Lyra said. “Get it over with so we can get to interviewing him again. I have a whole list of questions to ask here!”

“Plus, it feels so amazing,” Fluttershy added gently. “You’re going to love it. Hopefully not enough to chase him around town like everypony else did earlier though.”

Her frustrated stare intensified, and she let out a little grumble of annoyance. “Look. I’ll let you pet me for one minute. One. After that, you have to stop immediately, and never ask to pet me again, okay? This is a one time thing!”

“Hehe, sure, if you say so. But don’t be surprised when you ask for more. Now get your stupid, dumb, cute muzzle over here right now.”

“Humph, rude.” She looked at his hand and lowered her ears, before carefully sticking her head under it and pressing against it. Just one second later, she gasped as Archard curled his fingers and gently began scratching her scalp. It took all her effort to not purr in response, but even still, she couldn’t help but arch her back and close her eyes. Still, she tried to contain herself as much as she could. She just knew that the human was enjoying her reaction.

“That feels good, doesn’t it?” Archard cooed like he would to a small foal. “You just sit there and enjoy it, you adorable little pony.”

“I– I’m not adorable… and you only have a minute.” She spoke breathlessly, breathing deeply as she let the wonderful sensation run over her. She was so into it that she didn’t hear Archard or Fluttershy giggling at her reaction. She tuned out everything except the sensation of his hands running through her mane, and then going down to her ears to scritch those, too. It was almost overwhelming when he brought his other hand to the other side of her head. She wasn’t ever going to admit that she wanted the feeling to last forever.

“I– I… okay,” she said, finally gathering the strength to pull away after a long minute. “Okay, that’s enough. I… wow. That… was okay. It wasn’t that great,” she lied. “Now let’s get down to business now that your minute is up.”

“Hehe, absolutely, although I bet that was the best fifteen minutes of your whole life, wasn’t it?”

“What? No, there’s no way that you pet me for fifteen minutes. Right Fluttershy? Lyra?”

Fluttershy giggled and nodded, and Lyra just shrugged, looking up for a second before turning her attention back to her pen and paper. Twilight looked to Pinkie Pie for an answer, who told her, “It wasn’t fifteen minutes, and I know that because I was keeping count in my head! It was actually seventeen minutes and thirty four seconds! And you were soooo cute the whole time! I didn’t think you’d like being pet that much, Twilight! But I guess even princesses need relief, don’t they?”

“She was absolutely adorable,” the human agreed. “I could tell she liked it a lot. But, uh, don't use the word relief to describe that ever again, thanks.”

Her ears flattened against her head again, her face going bright red as she stared at her hooves. “Yeah, well… I just lost track of time is all. It wasn’t that good.”

“Oh, of course it wasn’t, and that’s because I haven’t had time to scritch your wings and back and tummy yet. But I’ll let you go, since you fulfilled your obligation. Unless you want me to pet you more?”

“No!” she said quickly, blushing even more furiously. “Can we get on with interviewing you, please? I don’t want to waste all day.”

“Well, since you said please, sure.”

“I see. You’re going to spend time with Twilight Sparkle and not me?” Discord asked, putting a claw against his chest, appalled. “I’ll see myself out then. Don’t even consider asking me to send you home. Because I shan't be doing so.” Then he snapped a finger and vanished again.

“I didn’t expect you to,” Archard rolled his eyes. “Anyway, let’s get on with it, I guess. If I could get home sooner, that would be great. Don’t wanna be behind on bills and stuff if I can help it. And probation. Definitely can't skip seeing my probation officer.”

“We’re gonna try and send you back as soon as we can,” Lyra assured him as he sat down next to her. “I mean, it’d be nice to have you around forever so I can admire you and ask you questions and stare at your hands and stuff–”

“I am pretty admirable, and my hands are pretty great, according to the ladies and ponies.”

“–but you’re not a natural part of our ecosystem, so we can’t keep you here forever. Humans have very specific diets according to my studies.”

“We absolutely do. Chicken nuggets and macaroni, as good as they are, aren’t enough to sustain me. I need steak and potatoes and spinach and chocolate cake, too.” Twilight and Fluttershy made faces at the mention of steak and chicken nuggets, but Lyra kept her curious look on.

“Ooh, very interesting. I never imagined you’d like the same desserts as ponies do. Do you also eat hay?”

“I’m not really a hay man, but I’d say oatmeal is pretty–”

“I don’t mean to interrupt,” Twilight interrupted, “but can we actually start on what you know about our world instead of random dietary habits?”

“Hey, that’s right!” Lyra agreed. “If you’re from the past, then how can you have advanced knowledge of what’s gonna happen and know the things we did when none of it’s happened yet in the past?”

“Oh, that’s easy. I said it before. You’re all in a TV show… or, I thought you were. I guess this is an alternate universe based on a TV show? I don’t know how that would work, since it breaks basically all of the laws of physics that we know of, and is just a creation out of Lauren Faust’s brain, but… that’s how I know.”

“Mmm hmm, and what’s a TV again?”

“That would be a wonderful creation that delivers stories in play format, except with a much higher budget and higher quality, as well as motion picture illustrations. And also football.”

“Can you tell us what’s gonna happen in the future right now?” Twilight asked. “You said before that my library is gonna be destroyed. How is that gonna happen?”

“That… well, since I’m here and this isn’t all in my head, I’m wondering if it’s a good idea to tell you. It actually might not be, and when you throw in the fact that Discord seemed insistent on me not saying anything, it turns into an almost hard no on my part.”

“How is it not? If you can help us predict when disasters are going to strike, then–”

“Because it all works out in the end, so if I go and tell you what’s gonna happen, then it might change whether or not it works out. We can’t have that, because then we would never get my favorite episode ever, Yakkity Sax.”

“Well… do you promise it’s all gonna work out?” she asked. “I don’t want you to say this and then–”

“Twilight, it’s absolutely going to work out,” he said in assurance. “If it wasn’t going to, I’d let you know since I have to be here with you in Equestria right now. It’s all gonna be alright. Trust me.”

“But how can I trust you when–”

“Because that’s what friends do,” he told her. “And for us to be friends, there has to be some level of trust. It’s an important thing to have in any relationship.”

She let out a frustrated breath and opened her mouth to speak, but closed it a second later and sighed. She couldn’t beat that. It made sense, both what he said about trust and how, if he really did know the future, messing with it would bring nothing but chaos. But that didn’t mean it wasn’t going to drive her crazy to not know and make her paranoid and nervous.

“Okay. Okay, I’ll trust you. I don’t like it at all though, but I guess I can’t refute your advice.”

“I’m glad, because how you treated me yesterday was mean. Maybe by the end of this all, we can be friends and go out to eat some of that delicious macaroni Fluttershy cooked for me. Say, that makes me wonder: what kind of nutrition do ponies have?” Archard asked as a question of his own. “All I see Pinkie Pie eat is candy and sugar, and Applejack only eats apples, and yet they’re both healthy and fit. You wouldn’t be able to get away with that on Earth.”

“I don’t know, but it’s certainly not spaghettios,” Lyra answered. “Can you go into a little bit of an explanation about that? How does that fit into human culture? And how do you turn a string of spaghetti noodle into an O?”

Twilight rolled her eyes at the conversation. Yeah, he was still annoying. That hadn’t changed in the last twenty minutes. But maybe he wasn’t the worst thing in the entire world. After all, his hands did feel good.

Raining Up A Storm

Somehow, Twilight Sparkle’s perspective on Archard was changing.

Not that the human was acting any different– well, he might have been slightly different from yesterday. More serious and slightly more aggressive in his personality. He seemed to be less willing to take orders from ponies, and more upset when they were presented to him, but other than that, he was largely the same, dopey, annoying alien he was.

But somehow, after that talk he had with her about how he felt she was treating him, her perspective about him changed. He seemed more… likable somehow? Less frustrating and more fun? How this was happening, she didn’t know, but she could tell it was. It made her worried. Maybe this was its plan– to get into her head and make her think he was perfectly okay when he tried to do something evil.

But no evil from him came. He sat down in front of Lyra and Twilight and took more questions, just like he did the previous day, and didn’t utter even one complaint about it. He answered a range of questions, from whether or not he thought humans actually were the ancestors of ponies to whether or not he thought he would be good at juggling with hands that seemed to be perfectly shaped for it. After the two were completely satisfied, he guided the alicorn through the process of making spaghettios, which eventually devolved into him just telling her to make regular spaghetti and blaming the lack of the food being available to ponies not having had the ‘advents of can openers’.

He ate at the table, sitting weirdly in the chair like Lyra would as everypony in the room watched him.

“You know, you guys don’t have to stare at me,” he said. “If you want some food, you can just make some. It’s not like this is my house.”

“I was just thinking that you should sleep here for tonight, Arching– err, Archard,” Twilight started. “For practical purposes.”

The human chuckled at that. “If you want me to pet you some more, all you have to do is ask,” he told her with a little smile. “You don’t need to be coy about it, especially with nice, soft fur like yours.”

“I– I don’t have– I meant so we can get you back home!” she stammered embarrassedly. “Lyra and I are gonna work on finding a way to send you back tonight, so it’s best if you stay here so that we can just send you back the second we find it.”

“Oh, you know what? That makes a lot more sense. But I know you’d like it if I pet you anyway. The red cheeks you have right now say so.”

She grumbled to herself and stomped a foot in frustration lightly, but moved past it. “Do you know anything about teleportation?” she asked. “I assume not, but I want to be sure. How exactly did you get here?”

“I was in the forest–”

“The Everfree Forest?”

“No, the one in the park behind my house. Anyway, I was struck by lightning after rolling two nat twenties while casting Fulmenium on an ogre because Aaron and Lee were afraid of getting wet during our larp session.”

“There are ogres where you’re from?” Twilight asked. “And what’s Fulmenium?”

“Also, what’s a ‘larp session’?” Lyra added.

“A larp session is a session of live action roleplaying. Kind of like ogres and oubliettes. I’m pretty sure Spike would know what it is since he seems like a fantasy nerd.”

“Hey! Don’t make fun of him!”

“I’m not. It’s a term of endearment, cause I’m a fantasy nerd, too. But also, no, there aren’t any ogres, and Fulmenium is a spell that controls lightning, which makes it quite the coincidence that lightning struck me right after I cast it. Maybe I’m just too powerful for Earth, and so it chose to vomit me up in Equestria.”

“But I thought you said before where you’re from didn’t have any magic?”

“It doesn’t, which is why I said it was a coincidence. I was larping, remember?”

“That doesn’t sound like a coincidence to me,” Twilight said suspiciously. “I mean, you cast a lighting spell and then were struck by lightning? Maybe it wasn’t something we did after all. Maybe it was something you did!”

“I’m extremely certain it was a coincidence, because I’ve been in more than one rainstorm were I cast that spell, and nothing happened then. Plus, I’m pretty sure like a thousand people in the US get struck by lightning each year. It’s rare, but it’s not like it’s the most impossible thing in the world.”

“Plus, we went through my entire setup for how to bring humans to Equestria, and he only appeared after we did all that? I don’t think that's a coincidence.”

“Less of a coincidence than him being struck by lightning and appearing in Equestria in a flash of lightning after he said he cast a lightning spell?”

“Uh, yeah,” Archard interjected, “since Earth doesn’t have magic?”

“And he wasn’t affected by your magic before, Twilight. Why would that change if he does it? It seems to me like humans are naturally resistant.”

“Maybe, or maybe he just needs to cast that spell again, and a strike of lightning will appear and send him back home. We have to investigate all scenarios.”

“More than likely nothing’s gonna happen, but I guess I’ll give it a shot if you think it’s gonna work. Although if I die, then I’m gonna make sure Fluttershy gives you The Stare for doing this to me.”

“Um, but you don’t think you’ll actually get hurt, do you?” Fluttershy asked quietly. “I would hate it if you did something that got yourself injured.”

“Of course not, Flutters,” he smiled. “That’s just insurance for if it somehow works, which it won’t. Anyway, let me get this out of the way now.” Before either Lyra or Twilight could raise their voices and ask him to stop, he was striking the same pose he held when he cast the spell for the final time on Earth.

“Hey, smartwatch!” he called in the air as he pointed at nothing. “Roll two twenty sided dice for power and accuracy!”

“No internet connection,” the watch called back.

“Welp, I think that’s about as far as we’re gonna get with that plan,” he said, still holding the pose. “I’d offer to roll a regular die, but I left mine in my other pants back on Earth. Maybe Spike has some.”

“What does rolling a die have anything to do with casting a spell?” Twilight asked with a raised eyebrow.”

“Nothing, but you said you wanted me to cast the spell I did before, and this is how I did it. Now can you see if Spike has a die, please? My arms are getting tired.”

“Ugh, let me see if I can find one,” Twilight said, rolling her eyes as she trudged up the stairs to his bedroom.

Once again though, she got the feeling that Archard wasn’t all bad. Honestly, if he would stop acting as silly as he seemed to be, she could see her and the human being actual friends. She imagined they had a few things in common, minus most things. There was a serious personality beneath the surface, one he seemed like he was trying to hide, as well as the fact that he didn’t seem like he put up with too much of what some ponies might throw his way. It was like he was Pinkie Pie, except turned down several notches and more ironic about how he acted.

It was a few minutes of digging around the dragon’s room, messy as he’d left it before going to spend the night with Big Mac for their guy’s night, but eventually she’d found a die that was twenty sided. Then she went back to the living room every creature was in, looking at a sight of Archard’s body shaking as he tried to stay in position.

“Okay, roll for power and accuracy now before I fall over. My arms hurt.”

“Hold on… looks like… twenty for power, and.. twenty for accuracy? Isn’t that what you said happened last time?”

Before he could answer, the human was interrupted by dark rain clouds appearing in Twilight’s library and letting themselves loose in the building. They poured down heavily, soaking everything around them, and let out a few rumbles of threatening thunder and flashes of bright white lightning.

“There’s no way that worked,” Archard said. “You guys have to be tricking me, or Rainbow Dash or something. The odds of rolling four nat twenties in a row are, like, one in two hundred thousand. I’m lucky, but I’m not that lucky!”

“Oh, that’s not the spirit of things, is it?” a familiar voice announced, one that only made Archard sigh along with the rest of the library by this point when he heard it. A second later, the creature appeared with a snap of his fingers, saying, “I thought you’d go along with this little prank and believe that you were about to go back home! Perhaps you’d even say that you were brought here as the result of your own will, and then Twilight would be upset with you for creating this rainstorm.”

“Well, as I was explaining to Twilight before,” Archard said, the frustration in his voice clear, “I’m not the fucking idiot you make me out to be, so if you could kindly stop treating me that way, it would be appreciated.”

“I’m treating you no such way! I’ve given you nothing but love and respect since the moment I laid eyes upon you. Do you not remember that sweet shindig I threw for you? The one you so carelessly rejected attending?”

The human inhaled sharply and pinched the bridge of his nose. “You know, you’re much more annoying in real life than you are watching you on TV.”

“And now you’re bullying me,” Discord crossed his arms. “I knew this is what would come my way for trying to have an ounce of fun.”

“If you knew I was gonna be angry, then why on Earth did you do it?” he asked. “I at least had a reasonable excuse of not knowing this was all real yesterday.”

“And I would say that I have the excuse of being disregarded in favor of those ponies you stand with, and having my tea party interrupted so rudely. You and that little dragon showed up quite uninvited, and it’ll be another two weeks before I can have my alone time with my best friend in the whole world.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry and all, but can you–”

“Can you please stop the rain in my library, Discord?” Twilight asked, her body frozen and her eyes locked on to the bookshelves around her that were getting drenched. “These books can’t be damaged! Some of them are very old!”

“Well, I suppose for you, I can end this, but know that I’m not doing this for that creature who holds disdain for me.” He snapped his fingers, and suddenly the gray clouds and rain were gone, the books dried off and looking as perfect as ever. The ponies caught in the rainstorm were now dried off as well, although Archard remained drenched to the bone.

“You know, I could dry you off, too, Arching,” the draconequus said spitefully, “but I don’t think I shall, since your behavior to me has been nothing but rude after I’ve done my best to spread kindness your way.”

“Fine. Don’t dry me off. I honestly don’t care at this point. You kind of just ruined my night anyway.” Then the human sighed grumpily and stomped his way upstairs, heading into the bathroom and leaving the rest of the creatures in the living room alone. All of those remaining looked to Discord, who only shrugged.

“What can I say?” he asked as he sat down on a couch, snapping his fingers and putting on a pair of sunglasses and hoodie, like something a younger foal would wear. “That guy was cramping our style anyway.”

Party Hardy

“Come on, every creature,” Discord said in a jovial tone. “Party in Twilight’s library starting now! You’re all invited, so long as you always choose me over Arching. He must be made to feel the terror and gloom that comes with rejecting friendship, especially friendship so good as mine.”

“Ooh yeah, whoopie!” Pinkie Pie cheered. “I love a good party! But I’ll say, having Archard around is fun, so much fun that I’d never be able to last one second pretending I didn’t like him! After all, he helped me find Snowy Bumblebees! And what can a pony ask for after they have a manticore as a pet?”

“Choose me and I’ll give you ten manticore pets,” the draconequus offered, snapping his fingers and summoning ten to the library. The sight of them got a couple of panicked screams from the two researchers and a gasp from a gentle yellow pegasus, and he snapped his fingers again to send them back off from where they came. “Well, domesticated, of course.”

“That sounds like so much fun! But I already have Snowy, and he’s a lot to take care of! Plus, I need to throw Archard a ‘Welcome-To-Ponyville-Super-Scary-Alien-Monster-Creature’ party soon! Oh, maybe we could combine your party and mine, and make it super duper extra special!”

“Oh, sure, make it super special and reward that cretin for all that he’s done so far,” Discord said grumpily. “Crashing our tea party, and then rejecting an invitation of friendship I offered after he so rudely left in the middle of it. And now there’s this business where Twilight and Lyra are held up finding a way for him to get to where he belongs so he can stop causing such a ruckus. I am the Lord of Chaos, am I not? It’s my job to cause chaos, not his. Frankly, it’s very upsetting, and I won’t stand for it.”

“You should be nice to him, though,” Fluttershy told her friend, floating over to the draconequus and floating in the air near his head. “He’s very nice once you get to know him, right, Twilight?”

“Yeah, right,” she said, mostly sarcastic and only half paying attention. The silence that Fluttershy gave made her realize her mistake, and she quickly said, “I mean, yes! He’s not… that terrible? I mean, he’s kind of annoying, but he’s not that bad once you get used to him, I guess.”

“See, Fluttershy? Even the Princess of Friendship doesn’t like him. How can you expect me to put in effort to make friends with some creature who nopony likes, and especially one who disrespects me?”

“I didn’t say that specifically, but…”

“You could try talking to him,” the mare suggested. “He honestly seemed like he was angry. I think you should talk it out with him if you can.”

“Why should I do that? We’re in the middle of a party, are we not?” He snapped his fingers again, this time bringing forth loud pop music and colorful flashing lights, along with party decorations and snacks.

“Wow, I consider myself to be a master party planner, but I have to say, you’re good,” Pinkie Pie said in awe. “My record for getting a party going is seventeen minutes. One day I wanna be good enough to set one up in three seconds!”

“I really think it would be good if you did though,” Fluttershy insisted. “I could even be there with you, and we could–”

“I’d truly rather refrain from engaging in such things, my dear Fluttershy,” he insisted. “Now let’s get down to boogying instead of bringing down the mood with chat of that human. Pinkie Pie! Bring us into song!”

She did no such thing, the whole room staying silent for a long moment as music played and lights flashed. Discord moved his arms back and forth and tried to get the group into a dancing mood by dancing himself, but it did not work. He only went on for a minute before he stopped again, frowning just as deeply as the ponies looked confused.

“You know, I blame him for this. He’s truly ruined these last two days by simply existing in Equestria. I won’t stand for it.”

“You can fix things by sending me back to Earth!” the human called from upstairs, although didn’t head down. It got Discord to cross his arms and scowl deeply, his annoyance only growing.

“I will not be rewarding such insolent behavior,” he called back. “It might hurt me to have you here, but it’s quite against my principles to give you what you want after this.”

“Discord, please,” Fluttershy practically begged. “Can you talk to him and try to see his point of view? I don’t want you two to be upset with each other. I can–”

“I will not, Fluttershy, so please stop asking. I will not be speaking to him from this moment onward.”

The yellow pegasus sighed in disappointment, then floated on upstairs, explaining that she was going to talk to the human. The frustration on Discord’s face deepened, but then he smiled, deciding, “We should get this party on a roll, right Pinkie Pie?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I do like a good party to cheer up the mood, but if everypony isn’t gonna be here, it’s gonna be pretty hard to cheer them up. We should super duper invite Archard! After all, Princess Celestia said he was a guest according to Twilight, and that means we should throw the best party ever for him!”

“Why? What’s so special about him that every creature cares so much? I’d say, he’s used his mind powers to get into your head, if Lyra Heartstrings’s book is to be believed.”

“Oh, humans definitely have mind control, but you can tell if someone’s mind if being controlled,” the pony explained. “Plus, I’m pretty sure he hasn’t been using it since Twilight hates his guts.”

“I don’t hate him! I just– he caught me off guard is all! Our personalities don’t really click well.”

“And that’s exactly why he shan’t be here!” Discord finished. “He’ll ruin the mood of the guests. If Celestia has any issues, she can take them up with me directly. She knows where to find me.”

“Discord! Can you come up here, please?” Fluttershy called. “Archard has something to tell you!”

“I’m not going up there,” he said to nopony in particular, keeping his arms crossed. “I can’t be made to.” There was a long period of silence before the mare called again, and he sighed, finally giving in. He snapped his fingers and appeared in the room the human and pony were in, the former sending a death glare at him with his clothes soaked through.

“One time, one single time will I speak to him again, and after that, no more. Now what is it he would like to say to me?”

“He just wanted to say he’s sorry for any misunderstandings he caused, and for making you feel like you weren’t important. Right, Archard?”

“Yeah,” he agreed, although he sounded like he absolutely did not.

The human and chaos god gazed into each other’s eyes in a battle of wills before the latter spoke. “Good,” he told him. “You should be. You’ve been nothing but disrespectful since you’ve first entered Equestria. I’m glad you’ve seen how awful your actions have been.”

“Now Discord, that’s not–”

“How awful my actions have been?” Archrard asked, flabbergasted. “My biggest sin has been harmless jokes, and that was only because I thought none of this was real! If I knew I was really here and not in a coma, I would have acted differently!”

“Archard, this isn’t–”

“No. Sorry Fluttershy, but I’m gonna keep going! Yeah, I acted kind of like a shithead, but it’s not like that attitude hasn’t been reciprocated by multiple ponies. Hell, the entire town was chasing me down and planning to lock me up so I could be their slave! Granted, their version of slavery involved tying me up and using me to give them pets, but still! Half of the ponies here treat me like I’m an idiot when I’m not! I’ve been brought here against my will! Sorry that I wanna have a little fun so I don’t go crazy and snap like this. I know I’ve committed the grave sin of wanting to explore the town during your tea party and wanting to go to bed when you decided to throw a party. How could I have done that?”

“So then you do admit to your transgressions against me, is that correct, Arching?”

The human balled his fists and shut his eyes tightly, looking like he was about to scream. He didn’t though. Instead, he kept his frustration down and said, “I’m sorry that I’ve caused you trouble. I will make sure not to do so in the future. Do you forgive me?” He spoke slowly, forcing each word out.

“I’ll consider doing so,” Discord answered noncommittal. “Not yet though. I want to see genuine change from you before I decide it’s good enough. It’s particularly terrible that I had such good rapport before you ditched our tea party. We could’ve been the best of friends, Arching.”

“Well, we can’t be the ‘best of friends’ if you keep calling me Arching when my name is Archard. I’m trying to give you respect, but you’re not sending any back.”

“Well when you send a half hearted, sarcastic, forced apology that Fluttershy told you to say–”

“I apologized! I was sincere! Me declining an invitation to a party because I’m tired is not the same as you doing all this and just leaving me completely soaked like I am!”

“And how would one be able to tell it bothers you when you clearly play up your trip to Chaosville and make it out to be worse than it was?”

“Yeah, I intentionally play it up, but that ice cream really was fucking awful. Like, genuinely. I’m trying to make the best of a situation that’s not great, and being over the top is how I have fun. Forgive me if you don’t like that.”

“Oh, it wasn’t that bad. It was mint chocolate chip ice cream.”

“Ice cream isn’t supposed to bleed and scream!”

“Well, regardless, this is besides the point. Once I hear a genuine apology, I’ll perhaps start to consider whether or not I want to think about sending you back home.”

“I gave you a genuine apology,” he said through clenched teeth. “I can say it again if you want me to. It won’t be any less genuine if I do.”

“Well perhaps if you–”

“Discord, you can’t be like this,” Fluttershy interrupted. “You’re not being fair to him. Can you give him a chance? He’s trying his best, and feels sad and anxious that he’s not at home. Do you think you can start over with him?”

“Humph. Well, I certainly can’t say I want to, can I?” He put a claw to his chin, considering the idea, then decided, “Perhaps I could try, but only if Arching–”

“Archard. It’s Archard, and if you keep calling me Arching, I’m just gonna not respond and walk away. I’ve never gotten hassled this bad over my name until yesterday.”

“Well, I’d certainly appreciate it if you wouldn’t interrupt me when I’m speaking to other ponies,” Discord said. “It’s quite rude. Now, as I was saying, I will consider attempting to mend fences if you agree to stop being so… you.”

“Fine. You’re my best friend now. Can you send me back home, please?”

“Not quite yet. A certain pink pony told me that having a party would solve every issue we have, and so I’m curious to see if such words are true. Not to mention, you did skip on the party I tried to throw last night, so it’s only fitting.”

Archard let out another breath and closed his eyes for a long moment. A second later, he opened them and put on a wide smile, one that seemed genuine, declaring, “Alright then! Let’s have a party!”

Friendly Shenanigans

“I’m fairly certain I have much greater boogieing skills than you do, Archard,” Discord said, talking above the music that was playing. “You can’t even compete with a boogie king like I!”

“I think you’re just saying that because you’re intimidated by my moves, Discord,” the human replied, getting down low and shaking his butt. “I think with my skills, I could even compete against Steven Bawking over there. Watch this!”

“Baawk!” Steven said as he shook his tail feathers and plucked around the ground.

The room was lit up with bright, colorful, flashing lights and party streamers, balloons floating to the ceiling from the ground as Steven pecked at the strings. On the surface, it looked no different from any party that Pinkie Pie would have set up with her party cannon, although the finer details were different. Teacups were singing a song as they sat on a table, filled with punch, and ice cream floated around with what looked like angel wings, one particular set of mint flavored ice cream asking to be eaten. It floated up to Archard, who shooed it away carefully before continuing his dance.

“Check this out, Discord!” he said as he got down low and then used his hands to break down. The ponies watching him gasped, Lyra and Pinkie Pie applauding the moves, while Discord just rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. Then, then human stopped, laying on his side with an elbow on the ground, using his hand to support his head. He stuck a tongue out as he smiled at Discord.

“I bet you can’t do that, can you?” he said smugly.

“Humph. A true friend wouldn’t attempt to show up another friend,” Discord grumped. “Besides, those moves were mediocre anyhow.”

“A true friend would give compliments when compliments are due,” the human countered. “Besides, I thought this was a party! Doesn’t really seem like a party if you’re frowning like that, does it?”

Another little grump came from the draconequus, then he took in a deep breath and smiled widely. “Oh, of course, I can’t frown! You’re right! This is a party after all!”

“Now I didn’t mean for you to go all Cheshire Cat on me, but yeah, that’s right! It does take more muscles to frown, after all.”

“Indeed it does! Perhaps I should try and boogie just as hard as you have! Maybe I’ll even– oops!”

Suddenly, he snapped his fingers, and a second later, gravity was disappearing for the creatures and objects inside the treehouse library. All floated up into the air, the human mostly looking around confused while Pinkie Pie gave a happy squeal and began to move her hooves like she was swimming through the air. Twilight herself gave the lord of chaos a scathing glare.

“Discord! What are you doing? Fix this!”

“And honest mistake, truly, I must admit,” he said playfully. “Even a creature as powerful as me is bound to make mistakes, right? I was simply trying to show off my dancing skills to Arching here–”

“Archard.”

“–when I absentmindedly snapped my fingers. Can you give a creature a break?”

“Well fix it back now! My books are getting all disorganized! Look at them!” She pointed her hooves to the books that were now floating in random directions up to the ceiling.”

“Oh, but I can’t do that! Look at how much fun Pinkie Pie is having in the face of this turn of events. And see? Even Archard is smiling. Is friendship not about making other creatures smile? I believe a certain somepony told me that it was.”

“I mean, I can’t lie, it is pretty cool, even though you’re annoying Twilight. Hmmm… I wonder if Pinkie Pie and I can do a double swan dive off the bed. Wanna try it?”

“No! Don’t try that!” the purple princess barked. “Discord needs to fix this now!”

“Oh, I don’t think I can do that, as I previously explained… unless you’re suggesting that Arching is–”

“Archard! It’s Archard! Stop calling me Arching! For real, it’s fucking pissing me off!”

“Well, perhaps I’d stop calling you Arching if you stopped butting in and being a show off and stealing friends from me.”

“Just send me back to Earth if you think that’s happening! I don’t wanna be here! You don’t want me here! This problem should solve itself!”

“Guys, guys!” Twilight said, trying to swim through the air to the middle of them to separate them as the two glared at each other. “Come on, I’m sure there’s some way you two could be friends and for gravity to be restored! Isn’t there anything you both like? Like interests? Or we could try sitting down and talking about why you both feel–”

“No!” both creatures snapped at the same time, turning to Twilight Sparkle with the same frustrated glare they’d been giving each other up to then. It made Twilight take an uncomfortable step back before the two glanced at each other. The human put on a little smirk a second later.

“Okay, maybe we have one thing in common,” he acknowledged, Discord now sending a look of his own back. “Friendship lessons are kinda lame. I wished the show didn’t have them.”

“Oh, don’t tell me about it,” Discord agreed, waving a paw as he said it. “Princess Celestia and Twilight Sparkle here seem to constantly edge me on about how friendship is so important, and yet never seem to want to consider my point of view. Not like Fluttershy does.” He made little heart eyes at the mare as he said it, the pegasus giggling in return.

“Me, too. Except I guess in this case Princess Celestia would be my probation officer. He tries to act like he’s a therapist and tells me I need to make friends with ‘safe’ people to keep me on the right track. Like, dude. It was drag racing. I wasn’t selling drugs or burglarizing a place.”

“The very same with me, if you can imagine it! Well, of course you can, seeing as you’re from Earth and have preexisting knowledge of how events will turn out, but the same here! You rule over Equestria in a state of chaos for a thousand years, and all of a sudden, ponies treat you like you’re the villain. Ridiculous! I say!”

“Uh, yeah, uh, it’s exactly like that,” Archard chuckled, rubbing a hand behind his head. “Oh! Preexisting knowledge! It it cool if I spoil the whole series of what’s gonna happen for everyone? I know I said I didn’t want to before, but god damn, I really, really think it would be funny to spoil everything– I mean, so long as I go back to Earth eventually. Lauren Faust is gonna be so angry! It makes me wanna laugh to think about it.”

“Hmmm… well, it wouldn’t be very friendly, and you know I’m working with Celestia to make sure things go according to plan… but it sure would be delightfully chaotic, wouldn’t it?”

“No! No!” Twilight yelled immediately. “You said before you weren’t gonna say anything because you didn’t wanna mess anything up. I don’t know how you can possibly know anything if you’re from the past of Equestria, but don’t say anything!”

Twilight wiggled her hoof anxiously in the air as she spoke. Of course she wanted to know everything he had to say about the future. Any good pony would plan ahead for and prevent things that they possibly could. But she already listened to the logic he gave her before! If things were gonna be fine in the end, then learning about the future would be bad.

“Awww, come on,” Archard teased. “Don’t you wanna learn about how you and Starlight Glimmer– wait, you don’t know who she is yet. Well, all you need to know is that it’s amazing, and that I hold the unpopular opinion of Starlight being the best pony.”

“Eew. Yikes. Perhaps we truly aren’t meant to be friends, Archard.”

“Hey, you got the name right!”

“I mean, that pony is nothing but uptight. Especially since she’s going to–”

“No! No, no, no! I’m not listening! La la la la la!” She closed her eyes and covered her ears with her hooves to tune out the two. Both the human and draconequus laughed in response to the joke they played, and even Fluttershy giggled a little at the slight prank.

“Oh, you know, I knew you were just delightfully fun when I first met you. It’s a shame you decided to interrupt our tea party and then decline my party last night. Although I might forgive your transgressions against me so long as you acknowledge your mistakes.”

“I acknowledge my transgressions against you, and humbly ask for your merciful forgiveness, Discord,” Archard said, seeming a mixture between sarcastic and serious. It made the lord of chaos squint as he tried to determine which there was more of in his voice.

“I cannot tell if you’re mocking me…”

“Oh, no! I would never, ever do such a thing! Never! Promise. Cross my heart, hope to fly, and all the other words here!”

“If you’re mocking me, I’ll show you why you shouldn’t engage in such a thing,” Discord threatened, “but I guess this would be an appropriate place to make Fluttershy happier with me and apologize for the fact that my behavior might be jarring to some creature who’s not used to me. Not everyone is fit to bask in my presence, and I must recognize that.”

“Uh, yeah, that. I agree. Um, since we’re friends, can you send me home?”

“No, of course not!” Discord told him, putting a hand on his chest, almost appalled by the question. “We haven’t even finished our party yet! You can’t just leave in the middle of a party, can you?”

“Well, you can, since all parties have to end at some point, but I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t like it if I did, and I bet Pinkie Pie would disagree with me anyway.”

“That’s right!” the pink pony suddenly spoke up. “You haven’t even reached the minimum amount of fun required for a party! How can you leave before you get to that point?”

“Well, I guess that’s true enough. But do you think you can fix the gravity back at least? I’m not gonna be able to dance very good floating like this.”

“I don’t think I want to. You need the true Discord experience to truly appreciate the friendship I have to offer.”

“Well, then I’m gonna do a swan dive off the bed. Wanna go, Pinkie Pie?”

“Heck yeah!”

The two swam away for the bedroom after that, Trixie, Twilight, and Fluttershy staring at Discord while Steven floated around the air, trying unsuccessfully to pluck at things. Twilight still had her hooves crossed in the air, and Lyra seemed not to notice as she read a book that had floated near her. Fluttershy looked around awkwardly while Discord went back to scowling.

“You know, Pinkie Pie’s fun rules for parties applies to all of you, too.”

“Can you just send him back, please?” Twilight asked. “He really shouldn’t be here, especially not since he knows things about Equestria.”

“Not yet, Twilight,” Lyra spoke up in place of the draconequus. “We just got him here yesterday! We still have time to learn about him and study him! After all, he’s from Equestria’s past. He can tell us what it used to be like! What kinds of monsters they had back then and what ancient magic he knows. We’ve barely even scratched the surface!”

“Well, he’s–” She couldn’t say obnoxious. She knew she could be that way, too. And besides, she was just thinking before about how he wasn’t exactly the very worst ever, and might have been a little bit cool. He was just…

“He’s weird! I don’t know, but he seems like there’s more too him that we know about. Which is why we need to send him back.”

“It’s why we need to keep him here, Twilight! We need to learn about him more while we have the chance.”

“Well, I’m unsure why you ponies are bickering about it,” Discord spoke up now. “It’s my decision. And I say, since it’s my decision, that I… will be joining him for a swan dive off of Spike’s bed. Oh! Perhaps I could turn Pinkie Pie and the human into swans while I’m at it! Wouldn’t that be such delightful fun!”

“Ugh. Whatever.” Twilight let out a frustrated breath, and moved to sit on the couch before a floating book smacked her in the face.

“And fix the gravity, Discord!”

“Humph, if you say so, Twilight,” the lord of chaos agreed, reluctantly snapping his fingers.

“WHO IN EQUESTRIA SAW FIT TO STEAL GRAVITY FROM US?” Luna yelled at the top of her lungs as she awoke from her sleep to her head hitting the ceiling. “PAIN SHALL BE BROUGHT UPON THOSE WHO SOUGHT TO DISTURB US FROM OUR SLUMBER!”

“I’ll tell Discord to fix it,” Celestia called from across the room.

Capital Punishment

“I know I said I didn’t want to know the future,” the purple alicorn started to the draconequus as Archard and Pinkie Pie laughed and screamed the background. “But what did you mean by, ‘I’m working with Celestia to make sure things go according to plan’?”

“Sorry, Twilight, but I’m not at liberty to say,” he replied, shaking a claw like the human would a finger. “It wouldn’t be very wise of me to reveal information like that, especially since you just said you didn’t want to know the future. Wouldn’t want to go against your wishes, would I? That wouldn’t be very friendly.”

Twilight frowned and crossed her hooves, but then sighed. At least Discord and Archard weren’t fighting anymore– well, they weren’t to begin with, but at least they weren’t at odds. That was something. She didn’t know how long it would last, but for a moment at least was good.

“If you could send him back though,” the purple pony started, “I think you’d understand how I’d see that as the most friendly you could be. And so would everyone else here, right?”

“No, because I think we should–” A cough and a glare from Twilight stopped Lyra mid sentence, and made her change her tune. “I mean, uh, yeah!” she started again. “Sending Archard back home would, uh, mean that you’ve truly learned so much about friendship. But uh, only if you wait, like, a few days.”

“You know, I’m a god,” Discord started flatly. “A deity. A divine being. Lord of chaos and master of all that I wish to rule over. Your foalish mind games won’t work on me.”

“Oh, of course not, because you’re so smart,” Twilight said, wearing a little smile as she tried to build him up. “We just thought that such a smart creature like you would want to send Archard back as soon as you can.”

“Except perhaps you think that I can be manipulated by your mind games. I see. Just for that, I will delay any consideration on that creatures fate by a full day.”

“Discord, come on. Be reasonable.”

“Ah, yes. Reasonable. I believe reasonability will cost an extra day of consideration.”

“Discord!”

“And a third day it shall be for consideration, and if you speak up again, it’ll be a fourth.”

Twilight had to physically bite her tongue to avoid saying something else. Yes, Discord would always be Discord, it seemed. Never very friendly, even when he apparently knew all about it. The best he could manage was to not be completely ridiculous.

Not like Luna apparently was, a pony who suddenly appeared in Twilight Library, radiating power and anger as she stood in a pajama set that featured bright stars and crescent moons against a blue background. She had a terribly angry look on her face as she stood in the center of the room, looking quite tired.

“Who amongst ye was it who dared to steal gravity from us, the rulers of Equestria?” Luna asked in her royal Canterlot voice, looking around the room to see which creature would speak up first. The room remained silent for a long moment, Princess Luna remaining so as well, as she waited for somepony to speak up. To the surprise of the room– some’s surprise at least– Discord was the first to raise his hand.

“Okay, I’ll admit it,” the draconequus started, looking downcast at his feet. A second later, he spoke up louder, more enthusiastically, “Archard did it. I tried to tell him not to do it, but that human is a wild beast, I must say! Twilight Sparkle here has been talking about how terrible and dangerous he is, and how we need to stop him and control him immediatley, weren’t you, Twilight?”

It caught Twilight by surprise, enough that she couldn’t immediately respond. It was enough of a pause that Luna spoke up before she could get any words out.

“Show me to the vile beast who believes they may steal gravity from us! They shall feel the full force of our fury!”

“Well, he just so happens to be right here,” Discord said, snapping his fingers and calling the human forward. He was mid jump, and landed loudly on the ground, making a surprising thud and causing a mug on a table nearby to fall to the ground and shatter.

“Uh, oops, my bad.”

“And so it is you, vile beast!” Luna declared, pointing a hoof at Archard, who only stood and blinked at the blue alicorn. “You stand here accused of stealing gravity from us, the Princess of the Night, Luna, and disturbing us from our slumber, as well as breaking mugs in an attempt to cut our precious hooves! How do you plead, monster, the one currently known to us as 'Archard'?”

“Uhh…” He trailed off for a long moment as he considered his options. Then he shrugged, continuing, “You know what? Fuck it. Guilty. I stole gravity from you. Cause I’m definitely able to do that and Discord would never ever do such a thing. It was me.”

“Then you are hereby declared guilty of treason for your actions,” she said, still using her Canterlot voice. “Your sentence shall be ten thousand years imprisoned in Tartarus for your crimes, so that we make an example of you and showcase to all of Equestria that actions such as yours will not go without harsh punishment!”

“Ah, I should have known,” the human sighed, feigning sadness. “It’s what I deserve. Although, you know, a worse punishment would be sending me to a place called ‘Earth’. I mean what? How could I say such a thing out loud! I should have known! Dang it.”

“Uh, uh, yeah! That’s right!” Twilight pretended to agree. “I think you should send him to Earth, too, cause, uh, you know. Humans are such a nuisance. Who knows if he’ll try and steal gravity from you again in Tartarus? We wouldn’t want that, would we?”

“No, we shall not desire such a thing,” the princess confirmed, “and that is why he shall be executed instead! Such treasonous behavior cannot continue under our watch!”

“Wow, this TV show just got dark really fast,” the human commented. “I mean, um, of course. I think execution is a perfectly justified response for a mistake like this. That’ll show me, right?” Twilight blinked in surprise at the agreement, but he gave her a look in return that said he knew what he was doing.

“That is right, vile beast!” the alicorn agreed. “We are glad you agree and accept your fate! Now come hither, so that you might face your retribution!”

“No problems here, completely understandable,” the human said coolly as he stepped up to the alicorn. He kept his hands up to show that he was non-threatening, and as a result, the Princess of the Night was not expecting the sneak attack he had in store for her.

“Unhand me, heathen!” she declared as the fingers of the creature clawed at her mane, digging into her deeply and forcing her to keep from craning her neck. “This is a capital offense against a royal! If you continue, we shall.. We- we shall…”

“Oh yeah? You’ll what?” Archard teased as he cruelly used his other hand to dig gently into her neck and rub her fur. “Tell me what you’ll do to me.”

“You shall be put in the lowest dungeon in our castle! For ten thousands moons!” she declared, raising a hoof before shivering in the torture that was pleasurable scratching. “Yes, right there– we mean, no! Stop this at once, demon!”

“I’ll stop, but let me do this first.” Before she knew it, Luna was being flipped over onto her back, and her stomach was being scritched and scratched furiously, the human wearing a huge smile at the power he had over the creature. Like a puppy, she kicked her hoof in the air, and laughed at the terrible, wonderful sensation.

“St-stop– oh, right there! Yes! I mean, no! Let us… ooohhh, that’s wonderful…”

“Of course, you’re no match for some creature like me,” Archard said smugly. “I’ve had practice with these things, let me tell you! Might be the only reason I still get dates, honestly. Watch this!”

He slowed down the speed of his belly scratches, and Luna’s back hoof moved accordingly, thumping in the same rhythm of his hand’s movements. The human stuck his tongue out at Discord, and the draconequus rolled his eyes.

“Humph. Show off,” he said as he crossed his arms and turned away.

“You’re just jealous,” Archard replied instantly. “Wanna bet that I can put her to sleep?”

It was a bet that none took, and one the human would have quickly won if any of the ponies with him accepted. He manipulated his fingers to caress her stomach with a palm while she petted his mane, and within a few minutes, the alicorn was back to sleep as she once was.

“See that?” he said triumphantly. “I’m the master. I avoided my own execution with the power of belly scratches. Who knew?”

“Yes, yes, and we applaud you verily,” Discord said with annoyance in his voice. “I might as well snap her back to her bed, even though this is your mistake, Archard,” he said, doing exactly that as he spoke. “And before you ask, yes, it is your fault, because I only took away gravity because you were here. And no, I shan’t be sending you back to Earth yes for being a braggart.”

“Of course not,” Archard said expectantly. “But I guess that means there’s more things I get to mess up. I’m sure Twilight will agree that messing everything up is fun, especially since you’re gonna–”

“Not another word from you, young man,” Discord wagged his finger. He put on a dress and sunglasses and the hair of a stern mother as he did so, continuing, “I’ve had it up to here with you, and I must say, I’m getting tired of looking at you. I bid you a good day.”

And then he left, leaving the group alone in the home. Archard looked around for a moment and then sighed, slinking down to the ground on his back tiredly.

“Wow, it’s been such a long day already,” he commented. “I’m exhausted, and I haven’t had anything to eat all day except for cupcakes, and I think even Pinkie Pie will agree that cupcakes aren’t a good enough dinner. Right Pinkie? Oh wait, she’s still upstairs.”

“That’s right!” the pink mare called down, hopping like a bunny down the stairs. “Cupcakes are tasty! But every mare, stallion, and foal needs a well balanced diet of hay, grass, and vegetables! I’m not too sure about humans though, but oh! You know what? I could cook up the tastiest hayburger you’re ever gonna taste over at Sugarcube Corner! And oh! Oh! You can spend the night at my house, too! Like a sleepover, except with a super weird alien! Come on, Twilight! Can I stay with him? Please?”

It was almost all in one breath, and Twilight took a second to process what she was saying before answering. “Uh, um… well, I don’t see why not?” Twilight admitted. “I guess he can stay with you. It’ll give Lyra and I time to look up some information and try and get him back to the place where he belongs.”

“Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!” the mare cheered happily before grabbing the humans hand in a hoof and pulling him along. “Come on! There’s so much I need to show you! This is gonna be the best sleepover ever!”

The Fearsome Beast

Lyra Heartstrings was not feeling well.

That wasn’t that she was sick; physically, she felt fine. However, emotionally, she felt down, almost depressed. She expected her book to sell… better, to say the least. Maybe a few thousand sales at least. Or at least a few hundred on the low end, seeing as what she wrote was more of a niche topic. But she’d just gotten her earnings report, and learned that she’s sold a grand total of… three books. Not three thousand, not three hundred, not even thirty. Just three. Three ponies in all of Equestria thought her book was worth buying. It should have done better! Heck, even The Adventures of the Mailmare had done better, and that couldn’t have possibly been anywhere near as good as learning about humans. What was the problem?

“It’s alright, Lyra,” Bon Bon told the grumpy looking mare as the two of them sat in front of the park, the latter sitting oddly as usual, her back pressed against the bench in an uncomfortable position. “So it didn’t do well. Big deal. Lots of books don’t do well. You just have to try again next time.”

“Humph,” her marefriend responded, flicking her mane out of her face. “Only three ponies bought it. Three. And you and I were two of them. How could it have possibly done so bad?”

“Well, maybe it’s because-”

“Don’t you say it,” Lyra interrupted. “I know they’re real. I know it. I just have to prove it.” She paused for a moment and turned away from her, continuing, “I know you don’t even believe me.”

“I believe you,” she responded quickly. “I was only going to say that maybe it’s because nopony knows what that creature even is and has never heard of them.”

“Well, they would if they bought the book…”

She just couldn’t get over the fact that nopony bought her book, especially after all the work she went through to get her information. Sneaking into the Royal Library, walking through the Everfree forest to talk to that zebra, Zecora. Heck, she even went through the Great Cheese Incident and had to deal with those ravens! Sweet Celestia, those ravens…

And yet, despite all of that, her book went largely unsold, and she didn’t know why. Was it too confusing? She had to admit, getting into learning about humans was difficult, but that’s what the book was for! Maybe it was too scary. She could imagine that learning about a creature who was taller than a yak and could level a forest in the blink of an eye was scary, but the book also taught what you should do if you saw one! Buying the book could save somepony’s life should one happen to appear! Not that she had ever seen one, but strange things happened in Ponyville all the time! There was a chance!

“If it makes you feel better,” Bon Bon started sympathetically, using a hoof to rub the mare’s leg, “one pony bought it, so that’s one more pony who knows what those creatures are. And they’ll tell somepony, and that pony will tell somepony else, and before you know it, all of Equestria will be buying your book.”

“You’re just saying that…”

“I’m not. That’s what happened with my candy shop. At first, nopony went there, and now it’s busy practically every day. And also, I’m sure they enjoy it, the pony who bought your book. They wouldn’t buy it if they hated it.”

“You really think so?” Lyra asked, looking back up at Bon Bon.

“I know so,” she responded sweetly, leaning down to give her a kiss on the cheek. “I bet they’re reading it right now, and are glad they bought it.”

“This book is horrible!” Twilight Sparkle thought to herself as she read through. Coming from anypony else, it might have been something to shrug off, but the studious alicorn herself saying a book was horrible? There was a better chance of Celestia dropping dead before Twilight said such a thing about a book.

Not that it wasn’t an unfair statement to make as she read through Humans: A Guide to Equestria’s Most Mysterious Race. There were more than a few issues, the very first being the book’s setup. It looked more like a haphazard collection of notes than a book, and note taking was something Twilight took seriously. Notes should always be neat, tidy, and organized in her opinion, although this pony clearly disagreed. Some thoughts were ended and picked back up in other places, sometimes they were incomplete entirely. Factoids were sometimes added in the middle of long paragraphs about a different subject entirely, placed in a way that even a very careful reader like herself could miss. Some of the things in the book were just blatantly wrong (Princess Celestia clearly raised the sun each day. How could she possibly rotate all of Equus around to see it?). There wasn't even a table of contents to find information! It was a mish-mash of issues, and honestly, if it weren’t for Twilight’s attitude of reading books all the way through, she would have shelved it.

The one thing she had to admit that it had going for it was that it was interesting. She certainly couldn’t say it was boring, that much was clear. Although despite the intrigue it brought, she didn’t appreciate how it treated itself as factual. She certainly would have remembered learning about a country filled with the strange creatures in her History of Equestria class if it were true, or at least a legend. And really, how could some creature read somepony’s mind? Not even Princess Luna with her knowledge of dreams could do that. She found herself wondering if the pony who wrote this, Lyra Heartstring the book said, truly believed what they wrote or if they just wanted to sell their book. Regardless though, they clearly needed a lesson or three in history and mythology, as well as a few in book writing and formatting.

“Can you believe this, Spike?” she called from her spot in Golden Oaks Library, her wings outstretched as she sat at one of the tables. “Somepony really thought this was a marketable book. I’m surprised they were even able to get it published and sold in stores.”

“Is that the hoo-man book you bought the other day?” the dragon asked as he came into the room.

“Human, and yes, it is, although it clearly wasn’t a good investment. Just listen to this.” The alicorn cleared her throat and read, “‘Humans are the precursor race to ponies, and perhaps yaks as well, all having evolved from them. Because of this, we can infer that they have the ability to grant wishes, much like fae can.’ I mean, how can you even infer that? What is that claim based on? Not to mention, nopony even thinks fae exist! Can you believe this, Spike?”

“Well, I mean, if they grant wishes, I would want to meet one. I even know what I would wish for…” he trailed off, hearts in his eyes at the thought of Rarity.

“Forget it. They aren’t even real, and in the very small chance that they were, you wouldn’t want to wish for something because they might trick you, like genies are said to do in mythology.”

“Well, a dragon can hope, can’t he?” Spike replied, Twilight sticking her tongue out at him in response. The two shared a laugh at that before Twilight turned back to the book to continue. She had to admit to herself, even despite the book’s flaws and mistruths, it was pretty interesting to imagine such a creature existing. If it did exist, there’d be so many tests she could run and notes she could take and lists she could make… just the thought of it made her excited.

“Well, forget it,” the mare thought to herself. “As interesting as it would be if humans were real, this is clearly just Lyra’s fantasy. Once I finish this book, it’s going right on the shelf. I might also have to talk to her about responsible publishing because of the issues in here."

On the shelf is where it stayed for several weeks after she finished reading it, the alicorn largely forgetting about it as she went about her day, day after day. It wasn’t until she saw the author out near the candy shop while walking through Ponyville that she remembered her mental note to speak to her about the book.

“Lyra! Lyra Heartstrings!” Twilight called to the mare, quickly flying over and accidentally bumping into her, still getting used to her new wings.

“Ow…” the pony mumbled as she rubbed her nose. “What are you- oh! Twilight! I mean- Princess Twilight! What are you… oh, um…” She quickly bowed to her awkwardly, flustered by her sudden appearance.

“I keep telling ponies they don’t need to do that, Lyra,” Twilight explained embarrassedly. “Besides, I’ve known you forever. You don’t need to bow to me.”

“Okay, but um… what brings you here?”

“I wanted to talk to you about that book you wrote. The one about humans?”

“Oh! You bought Humans: A Guide to Equestria’s Most Mysterious Race? What did you think of it? Was it good? Did you read the part about how-”

“I read it all, Lyra,” Twilight interrupted, “and I have to say…”

“She’s going to say it’s the greatest book she’s ever read!” Lyra thought happily, an eager smile plastered on her face. "She's going to tell all her friends, and then they'll tell their friends, and everypony will know humans are real!"

“This book is terrible!”

“Awww, thank yo- wait, what?”

“I’m not going to even talk about how it’s structured, because far more concerning is the factual errors written in it. I mean, it said that those creatures lived all across Equestria and that we evolved from them! It’s completely ludicrous! Ponies could read that book and believe some of the statements in there are actually real! As an author, you have a responsibility to ponies to make sure they’re getting correct information when they read, or to label your work as fiction otherwise.”

“W-what?” the mare asked confused. “Everything in there is true! I researched it all myself! All of it is one hundred percent real!”

“I’ve been Celestia’s student for years, and I know that she doesn’t rotate the whole planet! I also know that she doesn’t keep a collection of human figurines like you say she does in the book. What you wrote is completely ridiculous, and it’s practically slander! I honestly can’t tell if you did this as a joke or if you really think all of what you wrote is true!”

“She definitely does do that! And humans did live in Equestria before! That’s why there aren’t that many forests anymore! Because humans destroyed them all before they evolved into ponies!”

“Humans aren’t real!” Twilight countered. “They’re mentioned nowhere in any history book and they aren’t even in pony mythology!”

“They’re in zebra mythology! And yaks! If they aren’t real, then why do we have doorknobs? They fit human hands better than ponies' hooves, like they were made for them!”

“Doorknobs are shaped to fit earth ponies’ hoof grip, Lyra,” the purple mare explained. “It’s easier to grip a round object than it is a square or triangle object, regardless of whether you use hooves, wings, magic, or hands like dragons have.”

“Even if that’s true, which it’s not, that doesn’t disprove the fact that humans are real,” Lyra argued.

“They’re not! I would know if they existed! Do you know how many different books I’ve read about the history of Equestria and Equestrian mythology?”

“Clearly not the right ones. I would tell you to try summoning a human, but I won’t just because they’re so dangerous, and you’d be unprepared for them.”

“Oh, you mean that ridiculous “list” at the back of the book? And if they’re so dangerous, why put it in the book for everypony to see? That’s what I was saying about being irresponsible!”

“It’s only dangerous if you’re somepony who doesn’t know what they’re doing because you didn’t read the book! You’d probably mess it up and hurt yourself summoning one!”

“Why don’t we try summoning one then, since you’re such an expert? And then when nothing happens, you can make sure everypony knows that this book is fictional.”

“We can try summoning one, as long as you’re not afraid of how dangerous it is.”

“Humph. I’m not afraid,” Twilight told her haughtily. “It’s not like anything is gonna happen.”

Archard was excited for the day. Every third Wednesday of the month was game day, where he and his friends played Ogres and Oubliettes, a ponified version of Dungeons and Dragons. It was a game based on the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, one of Archard’s favorite shows. Although the show had recently ended, he and his friends still got together to play the game, and they always had a good time.

They didn’t just play the game, either. They went all out, dressing up in costume while they played and occasionally going out to different areas of the country to play as well. They knew it was a stereotypical example of what a “brony” was considered to be, but they didn’t care. It was fun and they enjoyed it, even if they sometimes got weird looks.

Today though, it was storming outside, which they expected and planned for. Their battle today was supposed to be fought in the rain (Archard has cast a rain spell in their last session), so it made it more realistic that there was thunder and lighting. It made the experience that much better, even if it meant getting a bit wet.

“I cast Hyperus Trabem,” Archard called out from beneath his Star Swirl the Bearded cloak. As he said it, a flash of lightning shone in the distance, followed by a rumble of thunder as the rain pattered on his hat a bit harder than before, the storm starting to pick up.

“The ogre is armed with a reflector shield and sends the attack back to you,” his friend, Michael, replied, the host of the game. “You’ve only a few seconds to get out of the way.” As though he and his friend, Troy, were really about to be hit by something, they dove out of the way and into the mud.

“I want to try negotiating with it,” Troy got out before standing up. “Hey, ogre! We’ll give you a hundred bits if you let us through here!”

“Someone roll for persuasion?”

Archard pressed a button on his phone to roll a virtual die, and announced, “It’s um, nine!”

“Make it three hundred bits, and the ogre will let you through.”

“Alright, ogre, it’s your funeral. Come on, Archard, we’re going to cast Hyperus Trabem Duplex.”

“No, you cast Hyperus Trabem, I’ll cast Fulmineum before that. It should cut right through his reflector, and then you’ll be able to take him down.”

“It depends on how strong your Fulmineum is!” Mike called out.

“We’re in a thunderstorm,” Archard called back. “Even if I roll a five or something, it should still be pretty dang strong, I think.”

“This would be easier if Aaron and Lee were out here, but noooooo, they don’t wanna get a little wet… alright, let’s do this. Give me your phone so I can see your roll.”

Lightning struck a bit closer to the trio as Archard threw his phone over to his friend.

“The bulk of the storm is getting closer,” Mike said as the heavy rain quickly turned into a downpour. “You’re going to need to roll for accuracy too, since you might not be able to see the ogre through the rain.”

“Whatever, I cast Fulmineum!” Archard announced, striking a pose with his arms as though he really were shooting the spell from his fingertips.

“What’s the roll for power?” Mike asked as Troy pressed a button on his friend's phone.

“Uhhh… natural twenty!”

The clouds above Archard charged dangerously with electricity, causing his hair to start to stand up.

“What about accuracy?”

“It looks like… that’s natural twenty, too!”

The next instant, a powerful strike of lightning hit Archard, causing his friends to gasp as he was sent off to somewhere else.

“This is completely absurd,” Twilight mumbled to herself as she and Lyra stood in the Golden Oaks Library. The two were surrounded by an assortment of objects and things, namely a chicken running around leaving track marks in the floor, as well as an anchor that was covered in rust. There were other things as well, some Twilight guessed could have some magical use, like incense candles that lit up in the room and a pentagram drawn in chalk on the floor. Other things didn’t make any sense to her at all. I mean, what was the point of having an open jar of honey nearby and four stuffed animals sitting on a windowsill in the next room? The mare almost considered telling Lyra off, but she figured she might as well prove her wrong first.

“I mean, what’s the point of whether or not we had a glass of water beforehoof?" Twilight asked. "It doesn’t make any sense at all.”

“If you read the book, you’d know that humans are mostly water, so drinking water before we summon one will let it know we’re friendly.”

“Oh, I’m sure. I’m also sure we’ll summon one using this ridiculous setup that has absolutely no basis in any thaumatology class.”

“You’ll see, I promise. Just don’t scream when it shows up. That could make it angry. Now, do you have that net ready just in case it tries to escape?”

“Yes, I do,” Twilight sighed, thinking to herself, “The things I do for some of these ponies. Sometimes it seems like everypony is crazy except for me.”

“Okay, let’s... Wait! I almost forgot!” The mint-colored mane quickly ran off before coming back with a couple of aluminum foil hats, quickly placing one on Twilight’s head, causing her to scowl.

“We’ll need these just in case it tries to read our minds. Now we’re ready.”

“I’m sure we will,” Twilight remarked sarcastically. “I'm sure the creature will be so powerful that it'll be able to do things even Princess Celestia and Luna can't do. Can we get this over with so I can go back to telling you off?”

“It’ll work, you’ll see.” With that, the unicorn picked up the trumpet next to her and put it to her lips, asking, “Are you sure you’re ready for this? Dealing with humans is pretty dangerous. Take it from me.”

“Just do it,” Twilight responded, rolling her eyes as she huffed in annoyance.

“Okay, if you say so. I hope you’re ready.”

With that, Lyra blew a long horn blast of the trumpet, letting it sound for as long as she could, until she ran out of air in her lungs. She has her eyes closed as she did it, silently asking Celestia to let this work. She had to admit to herself that the process was very strange, and despite her research, she didn’t know if it would really work. She certainly hoped it would though, even despite how dangerous a human could be. She wanted to prove once and for all that they were real to Twilight, to Bon Bon, to ponykind, to herself.

The two stood quietly in the room once the blast was finished, Twilight staring at the spot the creature was supposed to appear in with an almost bored, slightly scowling look, Lyra having an anxious expression on her face. Except for the chicken in the room running around and occasionally bawking, it was silent.

“Hey Twilight, Lyra,” Spike the dragon called out as he walked into the room, stopping in his tracks as he saw the strangeness of what was in it. “Uhhh… what’s going on in here?” he asked, trying to sound casual as the chicken ran past him, squawking furiously.

“Well, Spike,” Twilight got out, the tone in her voice easy to hear, “Lyra here was just going to help me clean up the mess she made. Isn’t that right, Lyra?”

“Well, just- just give it a minute,” the unicorn stammered. “It- the human could show up at any time! Maybe- maybe we did something wrong! Are you sure you drew the pentagram perfectly? Or maybe our chicken was supposed to be-”

“No, stop. It didn’t work because humans aren’t real. Now help me clean up, and you should make sure that any of the ponies who bought that book know that it’s fiction.”

Lyra frowned at that, mumbling, “It’s not like anypony bought the book anyway since nopony believes me…”

And just as she said that, a bolt of lightning struck dead in the center of the pentagram, bringing a human with it in a flash of light.

Archard felt like he was falling. Or maybe swimming. Weightless? He couldn’t really tell. There was nothing around him to tell him what was happening. No wind, no people, no color at all. It was pitch dark all around him. Or maybe completely white? It was hard to gauge as he floated in space, with nothing to see all around him. But what was he doing here anyway? Maybe he was dead? He was struck by lightning after all.

“I guess I shouldn’t have cast Fulmineum after all. But what did Troy say? Two natural twenties in a row? I wonder what the odds of that were. Not very likely probably, and combined with being struck by lightning, it’s almost impossible. Guess I’m just lucky that way.”

With that thought out of the way, he sat falling or floating in place, staring ahead at the blankness in front of him. He wasn’t afraid, he didn’t feel afraid at all, although he did wonder what he was doing here. Maybe he fell unconscious after being hit and was being taken to the hospital by his friends. Or, more grimly, maybe he really was dead, and this is where he was going to spend the rest of eternity, floating all alone in a colorless void. Rather dull, if you asked him. There were better ways to spend time.

“If this is what it’s like to be dead, then being dead sucks,” he commented aloud.

He didn’t know how long he floated. It could have been a few seconds, or a few centuries, but eventually, he looked up to see… something. He didn’t know what it was. A circle with a star in it? Painted on a wall it looked like? He didn’t know, but it was certainly interesting, seeing as it was the only thing there was to see in this void. And it looked like it was getting closer. A bit ominous, but not really too concerning…

Until it started to approach faster, speeding up rapidly until he hit his head on the brown floor. He could tell it was the floor because gravity made his body flop against it at impact. At least though, he had his hat to protect him from the impact, as well as whatever dangers might await him now that he left the void.

And danger is what he saw upon his arrival, a terrible beast carefully approaching him. He stood kept as still as a statue where he lay, hoping that the creature would lose interest in him, but doing that seemed to only make it more curious, and before long he was staring eye to eye with the beast. Archard could only hope and pray the thing was friendly.

His prayers, however, went unanswered, and the next thing he knew, there was a loud screech filling his ears and a sharp beak painfully hitting the tip of his nose.

“Ow! Get away from me, chicken!” he told the fearsome creature. It, in response, gave another squawk before pecking him again.

“Shoo! Get out of here!” he demanded it, waving his arms and legs in an attempt to drive it off to annoy someone else.

“See, Twilight?” Lyra cried at the thing sprawled on the floor as the feathered beast ran away. “I told you humans are real!”

Author's Note

This is a commission. If you'd like your own commission, feel free to PM me, or support me on patreon.

A Brief Trip To Chaosville

Eventually, the five ponies were in the zebra’s cottage, taking much longer than they expected given the circumstances. Twilight muttered to herself the whole walk there as her whoopie cushion hooves farted every step of the way. Pinkie Pie couldn’t help but giggle at the sound, one that the purple mare couldn’t stop from happening no matter how carefully she walked. The fact that her friend had to giggle next to her made it even more annoying.

“Could you please cut that out, Pinkie?” she asked. “Poison joke is no laughing matter. I mean, look at you! You’re a balloon!”

“I know! It’s amazing, right?” she asked excitedly as she floated just above the ground next to her. “It’s so cool!”

“It’s so cool, you say? How do you plan on eating like that, Pinkie?”

“Eh, I’m sure I’ll figure it out! Besides, since when does a balloon need to eat? That would be silly! Oh! I wonder if Discord could come up with something like that at my next party! Edible balloons! It would be sooooo much fun!”

“That sounds cool and all,” Rainbow Dash broke in, “but I wish we would do a little less talking and a little more walking. I don’t want to be on the ground a second longer than I have to be because of this poison joke.”

“Well, at least ya weren’t turned into sand, Rainbow,” AJ commented. “Ah mean, look at me! What am Ah supposed ta do like this? Ah can’t buck apples or nothin’!”

“At least your hooves are these- ugh!- terrible whoopie cushions!” Twilight angrily said as she farted her way forward. “This is so undignified! I’m the princess’s student! I shouldn’t have to deal with this!

“I still think you’re lucky. At least you can still fly. How am I supposed to fly with my head like this?”

“Yeah, well, Ah think both of y’all are lucky,” Applejack told her. “The more Ah think about it, the more Ah realize that it did this on purpose.”

“Of course it did this on purpose! It’s poison joke!”

“Or maybe she means the human went into the Everfree on purpose,” Twilight suggested. “I mean, it said it was going into the Everfree, and Lyra said it was psychic, so it probably knew this would happen and wanted to mess with us. Given how it acted before, it wouldn’t surprise me at all.”

“That’s a good theory,” Lyra agreed. “Maybe it’s doing this as revenge for you tying it up and trying to take its blood.”

“That wasn’t my fault! I was doing that for science!”

“It said it would run if you did that, and I told you you shouldn’t, so it kind of is.”

“Why, when I get my hooves on that thing, it’s gonna wish it didn’t run off!" Rainbow growled.

“Well, at least we made a new friend along the way!” Pinkie Pie cheered happily. “Where would we be if we hadn’t met Snowy Bumblebees?”

“Snowy Bumb- who? What are y’all on about?”

“Snowy Bumblebees! That’s what I named the manticore! Isn’t that right, Snowy?” As she said it, the beast bent down to accept Pinkie Pie’s petting, purring happily despite only being rubbed by balloon limbs.

“You’re such a good boy, Snowy,” Pinkie cooed. “I’ll throw you the biggest party of all time, and make sure all the snacks and drinks are mayo. Doesn’t that sound fun?” It nodded at her in response, not really understanding much beyond the word mayo.

“Is Pinkie Pie secretly Fluttershy?” Twilight asked. “I can’t believe that thing is still following us. Are you sure you should be petting it, Pinkie?”

“Oh, Twilight, it’s just a nice creature that wants to eat mayonnaise slightly more than it wants to eat ponies. It’s not so bad!”

“It is bad, Pinkie. That thing can’t follow us.” With that, she turned around and waved her whoopie cushion hooves at the manticore, demanding, “Shoo! Go away!”

“Aww, come on Twilight! Just look at that face!” As she said it, both Pinkie Pie and Snowy Bumblebees made the saddest eyes they could possibly muster.

“Twilight, please, do not fret. Would a manticore not make a good pet? Before it into the forest you send, consider that against a human it could help defend.”

Twilight turned back to it to see it hadn’t changed its expression, and after a moment, rolled her eyes and declared, “Fiiiiine, it can stay with us, but only until we find that human.”

“Hurray! This is gonna be so much fun! I better start planning that party for when we get back to Ponyville! We can have two parties and combine them into one! A “Welcome to Equestria Strange Creature” slash “I Got a Pet Manticore” party! It’s gonna be great!”

“Sure, Pinkie, whatever you say,” Twilight told her sarcastically. “Now can you stop jabbering and keep an eye out for this thing? We’re gonna be so far behind in finding this thing by the time Zecora cures us.”

“I don’t know, Twilight,” Lyra started. “I’m kinda liking this whole having hands thing, even though they’re bigger than I imagined. I mean, I’m getting them all dirty, but I bet my grip on something will be super strong. They really only need to be smaller, and then they’ll be perfect!”

“Yeah, and I can stay as a balloon and float around and throw surprise parties for all kinds of ponies and strange creatures! I thought poison joke was supposed to be bad! This is the best!”

“Yeah, and what are you gonna do if you accidentally poke something sharp, Pinkie? Or what do you think Bon Bon would think, Lyra? You’re getting changed back to normal, whether you two like it or not.”

“Fine, be angry,” Lyra mumbled, rolling her eyes. “This is your fault anyway.”

“Yeah, well, at least I didn’t-”

“No need for anger, let me be clear,” Zecora interrupted. “You’ll get your cure soon, for we are here.”

“But yeah, it was nice meeting you all,” Archard told the group of three politely. “But it’s off to greener pastures for me now.”

“Wait, what? You’re leaving?” Fluttershy asked, confused. “Where are you going to go? I mean, not that it’s any of my business. I’m sorry.”

“Oh, you don’t need to be sorry,” the human told her happily, giving her a kind smile and moving up to pet her face and mane, feeling her purr softly as he did. “You’re so cute and shy, you’re even more adorable than Spike is!”

“Hey!”

“But I need to get going. There’s so much of Equestria out there for me to see, and I’m not gonna be able to see it all in this tiny cottage. Especially since I don’t know how long I’m gonna be here. I mean, after all, this could be a very vivid and lifelike dream. And if it’s not, then Twilight’s probably thinking of a way to send me back, which wouldn’t be cool until I saw everything. Like the Cutie Mark Crusaders! I mean, no trip to Equestria would be complete without them.”

“Oh, well, um, not to be rude, but I think you should stay here. I mean, my friends are looking for you after all, and I don’t want them to be worried about you. I mean, I’m not trying to be mean, but-”

“Of course, you’re not mean, Fluttershy!” he assured her, petting her more and watching as she purred. “I understand that you’re looking out for your friends. But it’s something I must do. I don’t know how long I’ll have this opportunity, and I certainly don’t want to waste it.”

“Oh, but Archard my man,” Discord started cooly, wearing a pair of sunglasses now and putting a paw on his shoulder. “Wouldn’t you rather hang out with me, your Uncle Discord? I’m sure we’d have a splendid time together! You could show me more of that wonderfully chaotic music, and tell me more about the creatures you call your friends. Plus, I could teach you about how to prank Twilight! Wouldn’t you like to know how?”

“Hmmmm… well… while that does sound like a lot of fun, I do want to meet other ponies first, soo…”

“Humph. I see. I guess I was wrong about you. Here I thought you were an interesting creature worthy of the title of “friend” that I was prepared to bestow upon you, but I’ve clearly had an error in judgment.”

“Oh, I’ll be back tomorrow Discord. You won’t need to wait long for me.”

“No, no. It’s quite alright. You clearly have things more important than I to attend to. I’ll just see if somecreature else wants to hang with good ol’ Discord here. It’s not like I need you in particular as a friend.”

“Of course you will! You’re the Lord of Chaos! Who wouldn’t want to be your friend?” The human gave Fluttershy a look, but the pegasus only looked back with confusion, not knowing where he was going.

“E-everypony would! As you said, I’m the Lord of Chaos! There’s not a pony in Ponyville who wouldn’t accept friendship from me!”

“I’m sure there’s not! Oh! I have an idea! What if you and I both tried to go out and meet other ponies? We can have a competition to see how many ponies you can meet versus me if you want?”

“Yes, well… just because I can doesn’t mean I want to. I’m in the middle of tea with Fluttershy, which, as you remember, you interrupted. So if you’re a decent fellow and a good friend, you’ll make it up to me by spending time with m- I mean, helping me plan to cause chaos in Ponyville.”

“Okay, but only if you make more friends than me. I bet you can’t, even someone like you, Discord.”

“I see what you’re doing, and it won’t work,” Discord told him, crossing his arms and turning his head. “Although I must say, your methods of manipulation are quite effective, if not brutal. You almost had me for a second. Honestly, I expect better from you.”

“Oh, he just wants your company while he makes friends, Discord,” the yellow pegasus told him gently. “I’m sure you two would have a lot of fun together making friends with other ponies.”

“I see. You clearly don’t want me here, Fluttershy. Obviously, you’d much rather have tea with Spike than with me, because you’re obviously trying to drive me away.”

“Now Discord-”

“What if all four of us went together?” Archard asked. “I’m sure you and Spike could introduce us to some of these ponies, and then you’d be able to hang out with me Discord!”

"Hmmm... well... perhaps we can- Ah ha! I see what you're doing!"

"What am I doing?" the human asked without concern, wearing a dopey smile.

"You're trying to steal Fluttershy away from me! That's what's going on here! I see your plan, little human!"

"What? No, I'm not. Although I have to admit, she's probably the cutest and most adorable pony of all time and I kind of just want to snuggle her and pet her until the end of time, but I'm not trying to steal her from you. I just wanna go out and meet other ponies and see if you can make more friends than me. I still think you can't."

“I have a much better idea! What if I sent you to see Chaosville, little human? Doesn’t that sound like a wonderful idea? Seeing as you must not think I'm chaotic enough to hang out with, seeing how crazy you are.”

“Ooooo that’s a much better idea! Yes, yes, yes! I wanna go!”

“And go you will, since you’re such a chaotic little creature! You deserve it. I’ll see you again soon!” With that, Discord snapped his figures and crossed his arms, smiling smugly as Archard suddenly disappeared.

“Discord! What did you do to him?”

“As I told him, I sent him to Chaosville. Seeing how chaotic he is, he should fit in just nicely, I believe.”

“Bring him back this instant!” the pegasus demanded, putting her hoof down on the table angrily.

“Oh, all right,” Discord responded, rolling his eyes. “You’re lucky every second here is over an hour there, otherwise I’d leave him there longer.”

Once again, the draconequus snapped his fingers, returning the human to Equestria. However, gone was the excited smiling look he wore just a second ago, and replaced with it was an expressionless thousand-yard stare.

“So how was it, Arching?” Discord asked. “Chaotic enough for a chaotic being such as yourself?”

“Never again,” he answered simply. “I’m never going again. That was the longest day of my life, dealing with those bats. And that ice cream. Sweet Celestia, that ice cream. I never would’ve imagined mint ice cream could scream so loudly.”

“It is Chaosville, nowhere in the universe can compare to it, although Las Pegasus might be a close second. Let this be a lesson to you thinking you could decline my invitation to hang out and try to trick me into leaving Fluttershy so you could steal her from me.”

“Um, maybe you should sit down for a while and, um, rest… is he going to be okay, Discord?”

“I’m sure he’ll be just fine. Chaosville isn’t that bad.”

“God, that ice cream,” Archard repeated, looking dazed as he stood up and slowly made his way to the door. “I’m just gonna go now. You two… have fun with your tea…”

Author's Note

Wanna join my discord? Or buy me a coffee? Do you have a commission request?

The Staring Contest

“Are we having a staring contest?” the human asked after a while, Lyra and Pinkie Pie sitting down in the grass, too, the latter petting Snowy Bumblebees the same way Archard pet Fluttershy.

“Cause if we are,” he continued, “I know I’m going to win. I was fourth runner up in my high school staring contest competition. You don’t have a thing on me.” He contorted his face to make a silly expression as he leaned forward and opened his eyes wider. Twilight only rolled her eyes in response and created a quick pop of magic in front of him, forcing him to blink.

“Hey! That’s cheating! Don’t be a sour puss because I won’t go with you to your hostel dungeon!”

“Yeah, well, this whole thing is ridiculous,” she muttered to herself. “Let’s just get back to the lab and–”

“No, I’m not going. Did you forget the whole reason why we’re sitting out here having a staring contest?” he asked. “I’m not moving.”

“Weren’t you just complaining about wanting to be sent home?” she asked suspiciously. “Why the sudden change in attitude? Are you just trying to make up excuses?”

“No, I just don’t like you specifically,” he said casually, laying down on his back in the grass. “Everypony else is fine, but I can’t say I very much like being around you.”

“Wait, really?” she asked, seeming a little hurt by the statement. She had a look of almost surprise on her face because of it, an expression that made Archard roll his eyes.

“Really really. I mean, what do you expect? You try to experiment on me, you act uptight and angry around me all the time, and you treat me like I’m dumb. I can hear everypony else calling me an idiot because you think I’m an idiot, and honestly, I can’t say I appreciate it.”

“I haven’t been treating you like an idiot!” she tried to protest. “I just think that–”

“The way you asked me to follow you to your lab yesterday? The tone of your voice made it seem like you thought I was just a small brained loser. I went along with it because I like to have fun, but I want you to know right now that I’m not the idiot you make me out to be, and I would appreciate you not doing that when I’m just trying to enjoy my time as I’m forced to be in Equestria. Now what were we doing? Oh, right, discussing how you cheated at our staring contest. Why was that, again?”

He he sat up and crossed his arms again, tilting his head. He fully expected an explanation from her on why she cheated. Instead, he got back a silent, blinking stare, one that looked like it was a cross between annoyed and ashamed of herself. She pointed her eyes down at her hooves and let out an annoyed huff of a breath, saying, “Yeah, well… I’m sorry.”

“Are you sorry?” the human asked skeptically.

“Yes!” she said loudly, exasperatedly, throwing her hooves in the air. “Can’t you understand that if a monster just randomly shows up in Ponyville, we can’t just let it loose and have to keep it contained? Especially after it said it could destroy the entire town!”

“Do you really not understand that that was a joke?” he asked her. “I said it would take a month because the implication was that I’d have to do it all by hand. Like how you tear a piece of paper? Except times a million for the thousands of homes that are here. That was such an obvious joke.”

“Yes, well–”

“And besides that, you were the one who tied me up before I even said anything. You already had every single opinion about me formed before you even met me. So don’t try to say it’s my fault for making jokes.”

“I said I was sorry, okay? Celestia, I don’t know what more you want from me!”

“Yeah, you said it, but it doesn’t sound like you mean it very much. Aren’t you supposed to be the Princess of Friendship? Cause you sure aren’t acting like you are.” He kept his arms crossed and stared at her with a scowl on his face. Twilight, in response, put her head in her hooves and screamed, the frustration she felt evident.

No creature said a word for a long minute until Lyra spoke up.

“Look, I’ll take the blame for it, okay?” she offered. “I was the one who wrote the book on humans, and everypony took that to mean that you were super scary when I was just trying to paint an accurate picture… even though humans are scary and should be regarded with fear and caution. But I mean, you’re not, so you’re okay. So maybe we can put this all behind us?”

“I’m willing to put this behind me,” Archard agreed, “so long as she gives me a proper apology. One that sounds sincere.”

“I already said I’m sorry once,” the mare shot back stubbornly. “I’m not gonna say it again.”

“I guess I’m not moving then.”

"Fine!”

And with that, there was more silence surrounding them, Twilight crossing her hooves as well as she stared back at the human, the competition seemingly resuming. The two of them stared right into each others eyes, and Archard went back to making the face he was before, his eyes wide open. Twilight squinted in irritation, and then copied his move a second later in an attempt to mock him. There was a look of focus on both the pony’s face and the human’s, the two leaning closer to each other as they stared. It was a long minute that no creature moved when Archard suddenly blew into the princess’s face, making her blink.

“Hey! Weren’t you just complaining about me cheating and making you blink? You’re doing the same thing now!”

“I thought you weren’t playing… but we can go if you want to,” he told her. “If you win, I’ll do whatever you tell me. And if you lose, you have to… leave me alone forever and make me a gigantic bowl of spaghettios before you leave.”

“No way, I’m not negotiating with you,” she said firmly. “You’re lucky I don’t just take you in my magic and drag you by the neck where I need you to go.”

“How am I lucky? Your magic doesn’t even work on me, so I guess that only leaves negotiating left to do. What do you say?”

“And then what if I win? What happens after that? I win and you say I also need to do ABC and XYZ and play and win fifty more games before I go with you?” She let out a humph with that and continued, “No way. I’m not gonna give into your dumb schemes.”

“Well I guess we could play the game of sitting here forever and ever and whoever stays the longest wins, but I already know for certain that that’s a game I’d win.”

Twilight frowned at that idea, turning her head away. After a while though, she said, “If I win at the staring contest, you have to come with me, okay? No trying to run off to the Everfree Forest or Fluttershy’s Cottage or anywhere else! You have to keep your word, and also let me do whatever tests on you that I want to do!”

“Well if you get to tie me up and do Hostel type experiments on me, then I get to tie you up and pet you and pet you and pet you until you give in and are never ever sad again, and you just have to lay there and deal with it.”

“Fine! It’s not like you’re gonna win anyway. I have practice with sitting and staring at things for hours. There’s no way you’re gonna come anywhere close to me.”

“If you say so. Whenever you’re ready, we can start. Or actually! Let’s get Fluttershy and Lyra to keep watch! And they can tell us when we blinked.”

“Fine by me. You’re still gonna lose.”

In a minute, Fluttershy was sitting next to Twilight to keep watch over her, and Lyra next to Archard to do the same thing. Both of them had their eyes closed, waiting for the signal from Lyra to start.

“Okay, on the count of three, you both have to open your eyes,” she explained. “Three, two, one… go!”

They both opened their eyes widely at the same time, Archard using his fingers to keep his eyes opened. A second later, Discord showed up, forcing Twilight to blink, the human just barely managing to avoid the urge.

“Why, hello everycreature,” the draconequus said with zeal in his voice. “How are all you wonderful ponies and humans doing?” he asked. “I hope Archard is doing well sitting here in Ponyville with us and not being back home where he belongs since he didn’t want to be friends with me.”

“I’m doing perfectly well, thank you,” he said with a smile. “You helped me win a staring contest with Twilight in about three seconds! That’s a new record!”

“That doesn’t count!” she protested. “You can’t count interruptions like that! We have to restart!”

“We can count it, because it wasn’t either of us that interrupted it. That means I win.”

“Come on, that can’t be fair! Lyra? Fluttershy? Guys? You agree with me, right?”

“It super duper extra does count, Twilight!” Pinkie Pie spoke up. “I know because I know every game! It’s even in the official rulebook for staring contests! See?” She grabbed a book out of thin air from behind her back for Twilight to read.

“I…” she said as she scanned through it, frowning at what she saw. “This can’t be official, can it?”

“Yup! It’s definitely official! It’s used by the official Staremaster’s Association of Equestria! Can’t get more official than that!”

“How does something like that even exist? Argh! Discord, this is all your fault!”

“Well, excuse me for wanting to pay visit to all of my best friends. Why look! Both Fluttershy and Archard are here! How convenient!”

“Hi, Discord,” Archard greeted again with a little wave. “Do you think you can send me back to Earth?”

“Well, I certainly can,” he told the human, “but as to whether I will, I certainly can’t say I’m feeling up to such a thing at this particular moment. I mean, after all, with the way you treated me yesterday, I can hardly say we’re acquaintances, let alone friends.”

“How exactly did I treat you yesterday that you think I basically hate you?” he asked. “I said we could be friends and that I didn’t want to party. I’m not exactly sure how unfriendly that is. Or maybe your understanding of friendship is just based off of faulty logic. I mean, with the way Twilight’s treating me–”

“I’m a good friend! Don’t make fun of my friendship skills!”

Archard shrugged, wearing a little smirk. “I honestly don’t see it, from either of you. But that’s a side point. I want my bowl of spaghettios for winning the staring contest before I say another thing to you.”

“You didn’t win! That was cheating! That doesn’t count!”

“The rulebook says so, Twilight!” Pinkie Pie told her. “You can’t just back out of an agreement like that! Especially not a bet! Bets are sacred, almost as sacred as a Pinkie Promise!”

“Yeah, well… I never said when I would make them, so I guess that means you need to come with me if you wanna have a chance at… whatever in Celestia’s name spaghettios are.”

“Nope, if you’re not gonna honor your agreement, I’m just gonna keep sitting here.” The mare opened her mouth to speak, but Archard interrupted her, continuing, “No. I’m not going with you. I was just explaining that you’ve been treating me like shit, and you’re still treating me like shit even after I told you that you were. You wouldn’t want anything to do with me if I acted like that to you, so don't act surprised that I don't wanna go with you.”

More silence came as the two sat there before Twilight finally spoke in a whisper, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that my actions have made you feel–”

“Don’t be sorry about how you made me feel. Be sorry about what you did.”

The mare closed her eyes and let out a breath before restarting, “I’m sorry that I did not treat you with the respect that you deserve, and I will try my best to do so in the future. Can you please come with us so I study you and try to find a way to get you home?”

“Sure,” he shrugged, getting up and brushing his pants off before stretching and yawning. “Which way is Golden Oaks Library again? I can’t remember where it’s supposed to be.”

“Wait, you’re gonna come with me?” Twilight blinked in confusion. “Just like that?”

“Yup, just like that,” he said with a little smile. “You apologized and sounded sincere and said you would try to be better about not treating me like I'm a big dumb idiot. That’s good enough for me… as long as you cook spaghettios since you lost. But yeah. I guess you could consider this a little lesson in friendship.”

She grumbled and rolled her eyes, but before she could snap, she let out a breath and said, “Sure, I’ll cook you spaghettios, I guess. Now let’s go.”

"Sure thing. But don't forget that I also get to tie you up and pet you until all your sadness and troubles melt away. You're gonna be in for it now."