Desperately Seeking an End

by AndwhatIseeisme

Rating: teen
Tags: Sad, Suicide / Self Harm, Sunburst, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 3810

After flunking out of magic school and watching his life spiral into an endless cycle of dissapointment, Sunburst finally decides he's had enough. Based on true events.

After years of being a failure, of watching his life spiral out of control, and of losing all hope of ever being happy with his life again, Sunburst comes to a decision. It's a decision that far too many ponies make in similar circumstances, but he's determined to go through with it all the same. Hopefully, Sunburst can realize the mistake he's making before it's too late.

A ponified telling of real events in my life. I decided to write this as a way to work through some of my own feelings and to possibly share some perspective on why a person might attempt to kill themselves, in light of certain recent events. Also to hopefully provide some perspective and warning for those who might be thinking of taking similar actions.

Warnings: Depictions of suicide attempts based on real events in the author's life, thoughts and idealizations of suicide by a suicidal pony, just a depressing topic all around.

IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW ARE HAVING THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE, PLEASE CALL THE SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE AT THIS NUMBER: 800-273-8255, OR IN CANADA: 1.833.456.4566. TALK TO SOMEONE. GET HELP. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Published 2021-06-30 18:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-06-30 18:20:01 UTC

Seriously, Don't Do It

Sunburst was tired. He was tired of telling lies, of pretending he was something he wasn't, of watching every attempt he made to do better end if failure and disappointment. This wasn't how his life was supposed to go. As a young colt, he had shown such promise, so much potential for greatness and happiness. He was smart, had parents who had loved, supported, and nurtured him growing up, and a grand delusions for his future life. What a joke it had all turned out to be.

When he had been accepted into Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, it had seemed to him like a dream come true. The first step toward becoming a famous sorcerer, or at least toward getting a solid job and securing his future. He remembered how happy his parents had been for him, the warm embrace of their hugs as they cheered their son on. The whole town had come out to see him off as he boarded the train to Canterlot, everypony so proud to see one of their own heading off to the most prestigious school in Equestria. A melancholy smile spread across his face as he recalled the sense of excitement as he headed away.

Sure, leaving all his friends and family, leaving Starlight, had seemed kind of scary. But this was the start of a new chapter of his life, he had thought at the time. Besides, he could always come back and visit. It wasn't like he'd never see any of them again, right?

That had been the last time Sunburst had seen any of them. The prestigious school had turned out to be a nightmare for the poor colt. It had quickly become clear to Sunburst how out of his element he was among his peers, and how undeveloped his skills at magic were when placed alongside them. Looking back on it all now, it should have been obvious to everypony that, while he possessed a certain skill for magical theory and lore, his actual magical powers were lacking. But then, Starlight had always been by his side back then covering up for his lack of skill with her own powers. Maybe she should have been the one who got shipped off to that damn school. He briefly wondered what had ever become of her, before turning back to wallowing in his own self-misery. He was sure where ever she was, she had probably grown up to be much happier and more successful than him.

He sighed as his mind recalled happier times with his little filly-friend. But that was all in the past now. He'd flunked out of school, hopped on a train to run as far away from his old life as he possible could, and now resided in the Crystal Empire. He was jobless, broke, and drowning in debt. He couldn't put off facing those problems anymore. As far as he could see, he was down to two last options if he didn't want to end up living in the streets.

Option one was to tuck his tail between his legs and return home, just another loser spending the rest of his life mooching off his mom. He had no doubt that she'd take him in, she'd been bombarding him with letters practically begging him to do so for a while now. Honestly, it was probably what he should do. Maybe he'd even be happy there. Never having to worry about jobs, or bills, or responsibilities. He could happily shut himself up in his room with his books and scrolls, and his mom would take care of everything else.

He couldn't bring himself to do that, though. Begging his mom for help, burdening her with his problems, worrying her about all his failures. He couldn't do that to her. No, that just seemed like giving up.

Option two was to just end it. To free himself of needing to worry about himself or anyone else ever again. No more lying awake at night unable to sleep, wondering about all could have and might have beens. An eternal rest, where all his failures would be unable to haunt him anymore. Suicide. It was a big, scary word that had been dancing through his mind for months now, always clawing at the back of he head, tempting him with its promise to end his pain. He smiled to himself as he thought of that word, and it was at that moment that he decided what he had to do.

It was the only real option left to him now.

Now he just had to figure out how to go about doing it.

A few hours later, Sunburst was pushing his way through a tangle of branches, heading toward the train tracks. He'd settled on his plan, and now he just needed to get into position. Surely jumping in front of a speeding train would present a quick and relatively painless end to his miserable life. A few hundred tons of speeding steel hitting him head on wouldn't leave a lot to chance. It was a perfect solution.

He wasn't so foolish as to do it at the actual station. All it would take is one pony to catch on to what he was attempting, and it would be over. Or, even worse, what if somepony jumped down onto the track after him, attempting to save him. He didn't want to risk anypony else getting hurt for his mistakes. This was his burden to end, and he wouldn't drag anyone else down with him.

And so he'd followed the tracks down a ways south of the station, where they cut through a thicket of dense trees. No pony would be able to see him crouched down besides the tracks here, waiting for a train to come along. He could simply hide behind the tree line until he saw it approach, then gallop out in front once it was close enough. If he timed it right, the conductor wouldn't even have time to react, and he'd take the train head on at full speed. Even he couldn't fuck this one up.

He made his way through the thick brush, and took his position beside the track. If his timing was correct, there should be a train coming this way soon. He stared intently at the horizon, watching carefully for the telltale smoke pillar that would herald its approach. He felt a giddy excitement as he waited. For the first time in as long as he could remember, the stresses and fears of his daily life were lifted. It was almost over! Just a few more minutes and then he'd never have to worry about anything again! Waiting for the train's approach, hidden among the foliage, Sunburst felt the best he'd felt in a long, long time. He couldn't wait for it to come.

After what felt like both an eternity and an instant, Sunburst beheld the train's approach. This was it! He crouched into position and prepared to gallop into the train. A few more seconds and then... he ran forward. Time seemed to slow down as his legs carried him toward the tracks. The massive steel locomotive barreled relentlessly forward. Just a few more steps, and he'd be in perfect position. Another couple yards to go. Forward, forward to his release. Just a single yard now. The train looked massive, a giant beast of the land rushing toward him to claim his body and end his life. Three more steps, two more, one--

He skidded to a stop. The train passed in front of him.

A rush of air blew past him. He could feel the earth vibrating beneath his hooves. A deafening wail of it's horn bellowed between his ears, setting his teeth on edge as he stared helplessly as his promised deliverance raced by. As he stared up through the windows, he blushed at his own cowardice. For a single moment, the image of Starlight Glimmer flashed in front of him, a tear coming to his eye as he recalled those happier days. Then she was gone, and he was brought back to reality.

Why had he stopped? He wasn't supposed to stop, damn it! His timing had been perfect. He should be dead right now, but his stupid body had betrayed him at the last moment. He had been so close to the train that he'd practically felt it brush against his fur, but his legs failed to carry him those final few inches to his fate. It had all happened so fast, that Sunburst hadn't even processed what he was doing. One moment he was sprinting toward the end of his suffering, and then his body had ripped control from his mind and slammed on the brakes.

It was reflex, of course, Sunburst decided once he had time to think about his failure. One more to add to the pile. Some survival instinct baked into his DNA from way back in the days of his feral pony ancestors had prevented him from running in front of that train. Perhaps he should have expected it, in retrospect. He could have done something to prevent his intent from being overridden, but it was too late for that now.

He briefly considered waiting for the next train to come by and try again, but quickly decided against it. That conductor had seen him nearly run in front of his train, and Sunburst assumed he'd be contacting the guards or some sort of rail maintenance crew to come by and find out why some crazy orange stallion had played chicken with his train. Sunburst knew he had to get out of here quick, before he found himself having to answer a whole bunch of awkward questions.

It was time to go home.

Sunburst lay in his bed, crying into his pillow. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He wasn't even supposed to still be here. He shouldn't be anywhere right now, except dead. But no, he was such a fuck up and a failure that he couldn't even manage to kill himself correctly. How pathetic was that? Now he just had one more bit to add to the wall of shame that was his life.

So, what now? Was he just stuck living in the same hell he'd been earlier? No. He'd been so close to being free of all this nonsense. The memory of how wonderful he'd felt crouching in those trees, preparing to meet his end, was still fresh in his mind. It had felt so liberating. Besides, he was still up against a wall. If the train hadn't worked out, then he was just going to have to figure something to do. But what? Then he had an idea.

He headed into his apothecary and began to rifle through the potions. He knew he had it somewhere in... ah-ha! There it was. He pulled out the purple glass bottle and checked the label. Yep, this was the one. The triple-strength sleep potion that he'd bought from that zebrican vendor a few years ago. A sip or two would knock a pony out for eight hours. A full bottle... well, surely that would have a more permanent effect, right?

Hovering the bottle in his aura, he carried it back to his bedroom. Perhaps this was for the better. The train would have been fast, yes, but also left quite a mess and not much of him behind. This way he could die peacefully in his sleep, and his mom would at least have a body to bury. Maybe that could provide her with some closure, at least.

He sat on the edge of his bed, staring at the bottle for long minutes. This was it, all he had to do was chug it down and go to sleep. He spun the bottle around and watched the liquid slosh around inside the bottle. Such a pretty purple shade. He was once again reminded of Starlight. Such a shame he'd never see her again. He wondered if she would bother to attend his funeral. Probably not. He doubted she'd even remember him at this point. Knowing her, she'd probably moved on to do incredible things.

He sighed. Uncorking the bottle, he sniffed at the liquid. It wasn't a bad scent, perhaps a little minty. He shrugged and put the vial to his lips, raised it up, and chugged the whole thing down. Tossing the bottle to the floor, Sunburst climbed beneath his blankets and lay down, staring at the wall. This was it. Alea iacta est, as the saying went in old ponish. No going back and nothing to do now but to fall asleep and never wake up again. He closed his eyes and prepared to drift off into eternal rest.

Sleep didn't come instantly, however. He didn't know how long he lay there in bed, silently lost in his own thoughts. Remembering the old days of his foalhood, when life was still fun and full of promising. Remembering his mother, the way she'd fret and worry about him, trying her best to raise him into a fine stallion. What a disappointment he'd ended up being. He wished he could have apologized to her for being such a lousy son. Maybe he should have left a note before he'd downed that potion. Oh well, no sense worrying about it now.

Sunburst could feel his head growing heavy with the fog of sleep. It seemed like the potion was starting to take effect. All he had to do was let himself drift off and it would all be over. His breathing seemed to become more difficult, his heart seeming to slow down. Time itself seemed to slow, and he lost track of how long he was laying there. Just a little while longer and death would take him.

Death. He was going to die soon. That thought popped into the forefront of Sunburst's mind as he struggled to maintain his breathing. This didn't feel right. His head was feeling so foggy, his thoughts muddled and fuzzy. His eye lids were so heavy, and he struggled to keep them open. Why? Why was he fighting this? Wasn't this all what he wanted? To simply drift off and not have to worry about anything again?

His breaths were more labored now. He didn't trust his lungs to handle the process any longer. He drew in gasp of air through his mouth and forced it back out. In, out. In, out. Every breath a manual effort now as he desperately clung to life. Tears welled in his eyes. This wasn't how he'd imagined it would be. His throat started to burn as his forced, ragged gasps began to irritate it. He wanted to stop. Wanted the pain to stop. But he couldn't.

Sunburst was certain that if he left himself drift off now, if he stopped forcing his breathing, if he let his eyes stay shut, let his mind drift off and lose focus, then he'd be dead. He had no idea how long he stayed there, focusing on his breathing in order to stay awake and alert. To stay alive.

He wanted to stay alive now, he was sure of that. Only now that he was on the very edge of oblivion did he truly understand what death was. That complete cessation of self that loomed on the periphery of his vision, pressing down closer around him with each time his eyes blinked shut, only to take ever more energy to reopen. He was crying in earnest now, the tears flowing freely down his cheeks and through his fur.

Why? All he wanted was to find release from all the terrible mistakes he'd made in his life. To finally be free of the crushing weight of failure that bore down on him each day. He'd thought this would be the answer. It was supposed to be the answer! He just wanted to die and not have to worry about all that stupid stuff anymore. But suddenly, death no longer seemed like the solution to all that. As much as he wanted to escape from all his problems, his desire to live was pushing back, asserting its primacy in his mind. He had to keep fighting to stay awake. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to die.

He didn't want to die.

It was getting harder to resist falling asleep. He found he no longer had the energy to keep his eyes open. His breathing became more shallow and irregular. His pulse slowed as his body relaxed. He felt trapped there in his bed, unable to move his body even as his mind screamed at him to stay awake and alive. He was so tired. He resisted as best as he could, maybe for an hour maybe for a minute. In the end though, Sunburst was overwhelmed by the darkness of sleep.

Sunburst groaned as he opened his eyes. His head was pounding in his skull, his throat itched, and his stomach felt like it was doing flips inside his guts. Memories of the night prior came rushing back to him, and suddenly he found he was wide awake. He'd survived! Somehow, he'd made it through the night and managed to wake up to a fresh morning. For the first time in ages, Sunburst found that he was actually happy to be greeting a new day.

He crawled out of bed, feeling sluggish and sick as his body tried it's best to process that potion he'd ingested. That was alright. Those aches and pains were just proof that he was still alive. He had other things to concern himself with. He was still adrift in in all the same problems that he'd been drowning in yesterday morning, and yet somehow he didn't feel as lost in that sea of failures. It was distant and small, but somehow Sunburst felt that he was finally able to find a shore to swim toward.

Sunburst got himself cleaned up and prepared to do what he'd been dreading for so long. Pulling out parchment and quill, he prepared to write his mom a letter explaining everything that he'd done and asking for her help. Somehow, it no longer felt like giving up to him. Yesterday he'd given up, or at least tried to. Now... now it was time to start picking up pieces and figuring out a way to move forward with his life. And he knew he wouldn't be able to do that alone.

Just as he was sitting down to start writing, a knock came at the door. That was strange, no pony ever bothered to visit him, especially at this early hour. He trotted toward the door and pilled it open. He stared in confusion at the young dragon standing on his front steps. Beside him was a mare who seemed strangely familiar, though Sunburst couldn't quite place her.

"Sunburst?" the familiar looking mare asked.

"Yes? What can I do for you?" Sunburst replied. Why did this mare look so darn familiar to him? Come to think of it, she kind of looked like a grown up version of...

"It's... It's me, Starlight. We used to be friends?" Starlight Glimmer, his once upon a time filly-friend introduced herself.

Many moons later, Sunburst stood in the radiating light of Twilight's sun. Behind him was the prestigious School of Friendship, where he worked tirelessly every day to educate the youth of Equestria. Beside him, Starlight leaned lovingly against his shoulder, as the two watched their daughter Luster playing tag on the grass with Trixie. Sunburst sighed in contentment and nuzzled against Starlight's face.

It had been a long road for Sunburst to get yo where he was now. Several times in the past, he'd nearly stumbled back into his old ways and risked losing the happiness he'd fought so hard to claim for himself. But each time, memories of that night all those years ago came flooding back to him, reminding him of the commitment he'd made to continuing to live his life. Every day, he considered himself blessed to have survived the experience, and he was forever determined to make the best of his survival. To simply live on and try to make every day a little better than the last for himself and for those he loved.

In the end, that's all anypony can really do.

Author's Note

Sorry. I know this isn't my usual fare, and is a little more dramatic and far less porny than my readers are used to. But a recent blog post brought a lot of past feelings boiling up, and this was my way of addressing them. Most of this story is based on real life events, including both methods of attempted suicide and many of the thoughts surrounding the attempt. Sadly there were considerably fewer magical unicorns in the actual happenings, but such is life.

Now, joking aside, listen up because this is important. DO NOT KILL YOURSELF. If you are thinking about doing it, talk to someone. Call a suicide helpline, find a therapist, reach out to friends, family, or a teacher if you're of the younger crowd. Hell, PM me if you have no one else, I promise I'll do my best to help. But the important take aways from this fic are twofold.

First, when your lying there in the dark, alone and dying thanks to your own actions, it's not the freeing moment of release that you may be imagining in your head. It's scary, frightening, and miserable. You will spend the last moments of your life regretting the attempt. I was lucky enough to survive. You might not be.

Second, things can get better. You might not be able to see how they possibly could. I know at the time I certainly couldn't. But 14 years later, I am in a much happier place than I ever pictured myself being at the time. It takes work, it takes a lot of pain and personal suffering, and sometimes it can take losing everything you have. But if you keep pushing through it, determine to make every day at least a little better than the one that came before, and dedicate yourself to solving your problems, it is possible to come out on top. It can take years. It can take decades. But eventually, you will find the life you want to live. But only if you're still alive to seek it.

Sorry if this is sounding rambling or preachy. This story really came from an emotional place for me. Thanks for reading it, and I hope everyone finds the joy and happiness they deserve in life.

Here's a singing Pinkie Pie to lighten back up the mood.